Kittens, as we head out of a hella crazy Grammy weekend (and seriously, Chris Brown, WTF?) I am reminded of how very much I like this little show called American Idol because, dammit, it delivers! I’ll admit, I’ve been hard on the audition rounds. They’ve driven me to malign contestants’ hygiene, berate white people as a class, talk about folks’ kids, and denigrate dead spouses and parents with impunity. All stuff that I loooove to do, y’all, don’t get me wrong. But I’m realizing that all my hating might give the impression that I don’t think this show produces greatness. But this past weekend made me proud to be an Idol lover since S1. The old school Idols were out in force showing these new whippersnappers how it should be done. And really, this has been a great fall/winter season for our AI-lettes. So, as we head into the final dose of Hollywood Week when our Top 36 for this year will be revealed, let’s pause and acknowledge the greatness of Idol. Behold what your voting power and tiny, sparkly Seacrest dust hath wrought.
Let’s start at the very beginning, noodles. Ms. Kelly Clarkson is back with a vengeance! Not that I ever thought she was gone but there were doubts, rumors, reports of her demise even during her fight against the undead husk of Clive Davis. And OK, so maybe she’s let the dark lord stuff her back into her box a little bit with this new single, but hello! From #97 to #1 in the wink of an eye, bitches. And she looks fabulous to boot, though some are trying to give her the Jessica Simpson treatment.
(And sidebar: Where I come down on that, kittens, since your dying to know is that fool got fat. Yup, I said it. Now, does she look bad? Not really. Well, I mean, yes, she looks bad but that’s just because she’s tacky, not because she’s packed on the pounds. But to deny that she is significantly heavier than she once was is to lead Miss Jess down the path to where she’s having nervous breakdowns in front of fans before Rascal Flatts concerts. You’re fat now, Jess. If Tony Romo doesn’t like that, fuck him. He hasn’t won anything in Dallas in . . . well, ever, and country music is a lot more forgiving than pop)
Anyway, in happier and decidedly less fat news, anytime I feel down about Idol, anytime I hear scoffing by haters and non-believers. I think of the original EEEEEEEEeeeeee, Ms. Kelly Clarkson, and I know that there is a god and the he/she/it frikkin’ loves American Idol.
Some people argue that ‘Tasia is a second tier Idol winner. Then again, some people are idiots. I submit to you, ‘Tasia tearing it down at the UNCF celebration for Patty Labelle. She destroyed Lady Marmalade to the point where there is no need for anyone to perform this song again in any venue at any time anywhere because they will never, never, never do it better than this version right here. Say what you want about ‘Tasia and her repossessed home and her never quite reaching the top of the pops (or heck even the top of the R&Bs). Homegirl can blow the doors off.
Definitely not second tier, but never a particular favorite of mine, is Carrie Underwood. Sure, I liked Jesus Take the Wheel and rock it on my ipod with great frequency, but I was a Bo lover in S4 and I just never warmed up to Carrie. I’ve also been disturbed by her transformation from thin but healthy looking woman to bobblehead doll. And I also didn’t love Last Name the first time I heard on AI last year. I thought it was a little bit too much like Before He Cheats, no? Kinda rocker vibe, kinda country, dirtying up that perfect small town country girl image. But on Grammy night? Y’all, I loved me some Carrie Underwood! This vocal was not pristine, but it sure was fun. She really let loose and just went for it. And she looked amazing – skinny, but amazing. By far the most interested I’ve ever been in one of her performances (and that despite the fact that she killed Praying for Time on Idol Gives Back and was one of the few good things about last year’s IGB, which, thankfully, is going the way of the Dodo this year because it sucks and puts a hurting on the poor AI-lettes when they are getting down to the wire and already strung out). So good on ya, Carrie. She is doing the Idol brand proud.
Do we even need to talk about J-Hud turning it out at every opportunity? Oscar winner, Grammy winner. And, kiddies, the way that she has struggled through the adversity she’s faced this past year has been tremendous. Enough that I won’t even tell y’all how I really feel about her pledging her life to Punk from I Love New York. And who didn’t shed a tear last night during her big performance on the Grammy stage? (What? I’m not made of stone) But for my money, J-Hud at the Super Bowl is the defining moment of her come back to date. And yes, I know that it’s been reported that she lip synched on that day, but you know what? It was cold as a witch’s tit on that day and we all know that J-Hud can turn it out, so I am so much with the not caring. That anthem is right up there with Whitney. (And can we have a moment, kiddies, to yet again mourn the fact that Whitney, as tremendous as she looked in that gown, seemed to be drunk and/or drugged out her damn mind at the Grammy’s? Crack is whack, Whit. Crack is whack)
Another one who’s not, nor will she ever be, a personal favorite of mine is Jordin Sparks. In a year that contained Mindy doo (and we’ll get to that one in a minute) this child should never have even had a whiff of the AI crown. That said, Jordin was nominated for a Grammy last night for No Air, a song which takes on a whole new meaning given Chris Brown’s current predicament. And yes, she looked a hot mess last night, but I give it up to the young ‘un. Many artists will never get that coveted spot as a Grammy nominee and she has somehow managed to resist the bobbleheading that Carrie got. And I have hope that like a fine wine or Ricky Schroeder, she’ll get better with age.
Mindy Doo! Oh, Mindy Doo! She shut it down on Idolatry with Michael Slezak – another blogger you should definitely be peeping on the regular. And her new album will go right into my Amazon wish list queue the minute it drops. She is made of awesome and looking fiercer than ever. I fully expect her to take her rightful place in the pantheon of “I’m a winner, baby!” past Idol also-rans.
I guess I should also mention D’archie’s single, Crush , which I didn’t care for, but it got a decent amount of airplay and pretty steady rotation on VH1 this year, so yay for that. I do love me some D’archie, but he’s another one that needs some years of hard living on him to make him more interesting. And Fivehead has been everywhere, whether it’s landing his crap ass AI single on my favorite show, SYTYCD, and in the Olympics and on Oprah’s salute to Olympians special and every damn place else or dating and dumping Kimberly Caldwell (the only time Fivehead will ever get an “Amen” from me – although she did look spectacular at the Grammy’s last night).
And BTW, noodles, what was Kim Caldwell doing at the Grammy’s last night? And don’t even get me started on Guarini. Why will he not just go away? But as usual, when I think of Idol, I’m most thankful for the gift that is Paula Abdul. I mean, kittens, does it get any better than this? That’s how the motherfuckin’ crazy is done. She looks like an alien warrior princess going to her high school prom in 1964 . . . on crack. And I love every minute of it!
See? AI is controlling the house. Be proud of our little show, kittens. Let’s mount up and unleash another deserving winner (along with a whole truck load of crazy who will take up waaaayyy more than their 15 minutes of fame) on an unsuspecting populace.
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