THE NEW AI CREDITS WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT AI IS BACK AND BIGGER AND BADDER THAN EVER (They had to put in Lee Dewyze. You made them do it. They didn’t want to and he’ll be gone real quick) AND THEY HAVE LEGITIMATE MUSIC SUPERSTARS. LOOK, IT’S STEVEN TYLER AND HIS ENORMOUS MOUTH (SOUL PATCH INCLUDED FREE OF CHARGE) AND HIS TIRED TIRED MICHAEL JOHNS-IAN SCARVES. JLO AND HER BIG BOOTY WRAPPED UP LIKE A SPARKLY BAKED POTATO. JIMMY IV – A REAL, RELEVANT MUSIC PRODUCER. AND RANDY’S THERE, TOO. SORRY ABOUT THAT ONE. BUT HEY, THEY ARE STILL TOTALLY AWESOME.
Kittens, despite the fact that AI started the night screaming at us and wildly overcompensating for the impending lack of Simon, the Season 10 premier was more enjoyable than it had any right to be and definitely greater than the sum of its parts. This was due largely to the fact that those parts included the fabulous Steven Tyler who washed away bad memories of years of Judge #4 and Ellen with a couple of patented scream-sing sessions and the coinage of classic Tyler-isms like “what it is-ness.” Kittens, we are going to looooove Steven Tyler (Full name always required. Bow down). Oh, yes. We are.
Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. JLo showed some potential to be a more coherent cream puff than Paula (while still rocking the egregiously bad fashion and glitter that we’ve come to miss so much since the rainbow loving/colors of your voice spouting space case went off to make the worst dance show in the history of creation). But seriously, darlings? Bitch has got to grow a tougher hide. Most of the kids they put through last night haven’t a chance in hell of being your next American Idol. JLo, we don’t want compassion. We want you to bring the Latina diva bitch like we know you can. Just pretend like the kids are Mark trying to get a little taste and do what comes naturally. We’ve all seen the ghoul you call a husband. We know you know how to say “No.”
And that brings us to the fact that the talent on display was very slim pickings and if this season turns into a teenage fantasy land while we search in vain for America’s next Bieber, I will cut somebody. It’s bad enough that the minimum age has been reduced to 15, but now we get lackluster “talent” like Kenzie Palmer (Follow your instincts, Steven Tyler. This girl has no pizazz) or straight up annoying, no talent kids like Victoria Huggins(?), who is nothing but a baby Tati D. waiting to explode with crazy all over the Hollywood stage. This is what we’re left with? Fuck that noise, noodles. For every Manic Panic or D’Archie, there are a hundred Chicken Littles and John Stevens. No 16 year olds on Idol. I refuse.
In reality, only two or three people got through who have any shot to make it to the show, kiddies. The rest was pure fodder. When you add that to the bad Jersey Shore parodies, the presence of Constantine (Ewwwwww), the continued uselessness of the Dawg (Although, I’ll admit he was a little better last night), my pretty orange Seacrest candy in jeans and a button down, no, no, no . . . well, it really shouldn’t have worked. But it did. Noodles, Steven Tyler is magic! Let me count the ways.
Steven Tyler Defines The What-it-is-ness
Tiffany Rios – Or as I like to call her, Jersey Shore Start Tits Girl. Y’all, I was all set to hate on this trick. Despite the adorableness of Ryan doing the Jersey fist pump, this loud PR girl had fail written all over her with her booty obssession (Steven Tyler checking the ass? Classic!) and her JLo tears and her original song, which has only ever been pulled off one time successfully (Natty! I still want that song in itunes). And then dammit, turned out the bitch can actually sing. Tiffany Rios, listen to JLo, darling, for she is wise if annoyingly spineless. Shut up and sing. Leave the carnival at the door. Oh and no more Celine Dion. I’m Your Lady? Really? With the kneeling on the ground and the running fingers through the hair and caressing yourself in ways that make us all uncomfortable? Yeah, stop that right now.
Devyn Rush – This 20 year old singing waitress can really sing. And she is cute as a button and has the likability factor in spades. Right now, she’s kinda too quirky for American Idol. JLo continued her streak of focusing on the image side of the business without being egregiously obnoxious like some former judges I could name but won’t because she’s gone and good riddance, Ptui, let us never speak of her again. Bottom line is that when Steven Tyler feels in a position to bust on your clothes, you’ve got some work to do on your image, darlings. Image aside, Devyn handled her business on God Bless the Child. She might have gotten a little inflection heavy towards the middle there and I think that threw off the pace of the song so she seemed out of time for a second, but all that aside, she can blow. I got my eye on this one.
Travis Orlando – Yes, he’s 16. And he brought a sob story and you know I so don’t care. And he was riding the singer/songwriter quirky voice thing for all it was worth and that whole pastiche was cliché 3 or 4 seasons ago let along today. And despite all that, I really, really liked this kid. He’s too damn young and I wish he’d waited maybe 3 more years before trying out. And he has a good, but not great voice. But he had savvy song choices. Eleanor Rigby and Mraz (I’m Yours is overused on this show, but he knew it and was sheepish about having to sing it) fit his vibe perfectly. And kittens, in a couple of years this kid is going to be insanely gorgeous. I mean, he’s beautiful. And I’m shallow like that, so I liked him. He has the what it is-ness.
Steven Tyler Is Not Sure Singing Is Your Forte
Rachel Zevita – Like JLo, I did remember this opera girl after a tick. Sadly, she’s 22 now and kind of annoying. And she sang Hallelujah which should never be sung again on this show as it is owned by Jason Castro not to mention played out. And she apparently can’t sing all that well these days. All of which the judges acknowledged before inexplicably putting her through anyway based on nostalgia. They shouldn’t have let this girl through. Her audition sucked ass. On to the next one, kiddies.
Caleb Holly – Looks like a scruffy child molester. Darlings, this kid had a fun audition and I did enjoy Steven Tyler getting his groove on to his funky white boy sound. And I’ll give him a little credit for singing a song that I haven’t heard eleven million times before. But he’ll never make it through an entire season of this show. He has modest talent at best. I guess every season needs its fodder, and if we have to have bar band singers, this kid is less offensive than most. Eh.
Kenzie Palmer – Steven Tyler thinks our first 15 year old has not pizazz. And Steven Tyler is right, as he so often is. This girl is cute, but boring. She has an OK voice. But there is nothing special about her at all. JLo put her through because she’s cute. Randy went along because he’s stupid. Steven Tyler went along because he’s high. (You know it’s true, y’all!) She’s about as captivating as your average 15 year old with no life experience, which is to say not very.
Ashley Sullivan – Kiddies, is this the most immature 25 year old you have ever seen or am I just crazy? She hops around like an ADHD kid without her Ritalin and she wants to model her Liza Minelli meets pop career on Brit Brit’s? Yeah, I’m gonna have to throw the flag on that one. This girl exhausts me and just . . . I can’t. She has a great Broadway Voice and Gimme Gimme was an inspired song choice. JLo had it right when she noted that hers is not a pop voice at all. She needs to be on Broadway Idol. Well, really she doesn’t need to be on any Idol because this girl is a trainwreck. A big old ball of need and exhibitionism and delusions and she makes Norman Gentle look understated and sadly the judges were swayed by her antics and put her through to Hollywood where her competitors will likely beat her to death in the group round. Kittens, our new judges should’ve listened to the Dawg. He knows crazy when he sees it. Did I just say that? I need to go somewhere and catch my breath.
Melinda Ademi – Is from Kosovo and has a sob story about which I do not care at all. She tried to get her Alicia Keys on. She has a pretty tone to her admittedly kinda thin voice and nice control. But she’s 16. I think she might be better in a couple of years. Wish she’d waited. Darlings, I’ll say it again, they are putting through a grip of teens. I’m skeerid.
Steven Tyler Thinks You Scared Everybody in the Room
There were lots of losers on the show last night, some of whom we were meant to laugh at and some of whom were inexplicably put through. We’re going to handle them all in a jumble because whack is whack.
Achille from the Ivory Coast – I got through this audition by pretending that this woman was really a performance artist named Latoya from West Elem, NJ and she was having a lark on all of us by playing this Achille character. Because if that’s not true, kiddies, then wow. It’s tight on the Ivory Coast. Madonna has done a lot of bad things since she decided to pretend to be British, but Dress You Up did not deserve this.
Melkia Wheatfell – Singing Home. See this is where I wanted to say, “Don’t feel bad, JLo. That shit was ridiculous.” Noodles, she’s gotta toughen up or she’s never going to make it through the season.
Robbie Rosen – Every season it’s the same old shit. Kittens, if you know me, then you can guess where this is going to go. Nobody cares that you were in a wheelchair. We don’t care that you had Pumps ‘n a Bump-it is. It’s sad for you that your parents have tried to erase part of your childhood. Can you sing? Then bring it. And he’s 16. Oh, hell to the no. I guess he’s a fine singer for his Nana’s birthday party, school talent shows, etc. But this fool is not a pop star. And he’s damn sure not your next American Idol, especially not with that schnozz, so why put him through? So far, the judges are grading on a serious curve.
Chris Cordeiro – Noodles, he was just the saddest thing I have ever seen. And a terrible advertisement for Scouting. And My Way? Wow. I . . . well . . . I mean . . . no words. And the mom clutching my Ryan in her death grip. Who? What? And here’s where Steven Tyler called out his man bangs and told him he scared everybody in the room. I Frikkin’ love this man.
Side Note: Kittens, I do believe the nervous burping dude was actually the same kid without the bangs and the bucket hat, right? Michael Perotto my tushie. It’s Chris Cordeiro with a five o’clock shadow. I refuse. Though I did love JLo’s whispered “Make it stop.” I know, JLo. I know.
Victoria Huggins – 16? Umm, no. Just no. She’s so annoying. I just want to kick her in the gut. And the air guitar thing. And she tried to sing a twangy version of Midnight Train to Georgia. Really? Gladys will cut you. Bitch, please. I hate this girl. Haaaattteee.
Brielle Von Hugel – Another 16 year old? WTF, Idol? And her stage dad is not cute. And the hair flower is ridiculous. And I obviously don’t care that her stage dad has cancer. Maybe he’ll die and she’ll be too distraught to continue on in hopes of becoming the America’s next top Idol. And she sang Endless Love. Hate sealed. And she can’t sing. Good times. She will not get a whiff of Top 10. Next.
Steven Tyler Wants to Know If You Ate Paint Chips as a Child
I really didn’t, darlings. I know that’s a huge imbalance between the good, the bad, and the ugly, but somehow it really did all work. The judges had way too much fun with the losers parade – singing, dancing, snarking. You almost wore those shorts. Oh, Steven Tyler! You card. The editors showed a big girl tumbling down the stairs and big girls falling is always funny. And there were only a couple of people (Yoji Pop, I’m looking at you) who made me extremely tired. They gave away 51 Golden Tickets in NJ which is damn. And there’s still plenty of time for things to fall completely off the rails. Hell, this time last year, I was still really enjoying Ellen on the panel. But all in all, this show made me kind of excited for the coming season, and I can’t really ask more of Cecile Frot-Coutaz, and the SiNi (Simon and Nigel). Just keep the Tyler-isms flowing and we should be in for one hell of a ride.
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