SYTYCD S6 Finals Ep5 And Send Him On His Way

Poor hula girl and her sailor. Washed away in the tide. Bye, bye Peter. So much for the year of the tapper. Bye, bye Pauline. America is slowly carrying out its campaign of ethnic cleansing for the season. I expect Karen to be the only spot of color among the ladies by the time top 10 rolls around.

Darlings, that was a more entertaining episode than it had any right to be considering that there was little suspense as the two most likely suspects actually wound up going home, the solos were severely underwhelming, the frikkin’ heart hand made its much dreaded return, and the show was mostly filler. (Ailey dancers excepted. Ailey dancers are never filler, noodles) On the positive side, Dave Scott represented with his opening group routine; Nigel cinched up his cranky pants and delivered an ass whooping to the tween terrors; and Kevin lived to dance another day.

I have to take a moment to say something I never thought I’d say. Kittens, you know mama loves her whipping boys. The camera monkeys. Judge #4. Simon Fuller and Cecile Frout-Coutaz. Any member of the Daughtry/Fivehead/Frikkin’ Gokey Heart Hand Memorial Tool Academy. And normally, the crack whores in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up would be right in there with that motley crew. But I must, must at this juncture shout out the trannys and crack whores for a job mostly well done. I admit there have been a few wardrobe missteps this season. The skiing bank robbers from last night leap to mind. Sonya’s tutu number for the girls on the very first Meet the Top 20 show. But honestly, things have been soooo much worse. Time was when practically every costume was just Crispy Kreme crazy. This season I can only think of a few that have pinged me as Hell to the Naw and a bunch that I've thought were really appropriate for the dance. Even the Ryan/Ellenore good angel/bad angel costumes, while kind of WTF, were appropriate for the dance. Remember the bad old days of Lacey showing her goodies in a microscopic cheerleading skirt? Comfort trying to krump while dressed as a pan of Jiffy Pop? Donyelle decked out in a big bird yellow dress that made her look like one of those creepy doll shaped toilet paper roll covers in every grandmother's guest bathroom circa 1973? The hunchback and Mischa Chan in goggles and skull caps? Or we could go way back and talk about Ashley dressed as a doll while Dmitri was some kind of pimped out Svengali who'd been attacked by an evil, sleeve stealing gang of street toughs. How I don't miss those days at all! I give credit where credit is due, kiddies. Well done, ‘hos. Well done, trannys. I reserve the right to go back to excoriating you as soon as you get back on the junk.

Moving on, noodles, let’s recap the two minutes of actual dance content we got so I can go have wildly inappropriate dreams about Puck from Glee. Hot damn!

Top 16 Group Dance/Hip Hop/Dave Scott (Warrior, Part 2/Llyod Banks) – I love that Russell was featured so prominently in this routine. Honestly, I loved that dance, at least what I could see of it for the whacked out camera work. Russell and Legacy killed it. The ladies were very nice, especially the floor work. Jakob’s two seconds of duet with Legacy made me fear for the day that he pulls hip hop out of the hat. And it was hilarious how Dave kept Ryan off the stage until the bitter end of the routine, gave him exactly one and a half steps which he managed to execute terribly, and then made him just walk downstage while the rest of the kids closed ranks in front of him to shield the audience from the horrifying sight of him feebly attempting to dance hip hop. Good times.

Ailey – Gorgeous. Enough said. None of these girls could come close to that level of artistry. For the boys, maybe Jakob could get there. If Billy were around, he could also get there. No one else is even in the same solar system. It’s always good to check my enthusiasm for the show by measuring these kids against folks who really know how to dance. Danny Tidwell is the only dancer in the show’s history who wouldn’t suffer by comparison. Reality vs. Reality TV. Watch and learn, kittens. Watch and learn.

Solos

Ellenore (Missed the song) – She has such an interesting movement quality. There were some lovely moments in there as well as some hinky points. The leap was somewhat less than graceful, no? And the heart hands? Automatic party foul.

Ryan (Jump With My Baby/Big Bad Voodoo Daddy) – This was not a bad solo for a ballroom dancer right up until the back handspring back flip at the end. Whoops. Guard your grill, Pretty Boy. Right now it’s the main thing keeping you in this competition.

Pauline (Took the Night/Chelley) – Awful. Hair flinging, booty shaking nightmare. I’m so glad Shankdaddy called out the bad, advanced level, Convention 101 dancing, darlings. And Pauline has so much more than that. I wish she’d done hip hop instead. She might’ve survived.

Peter (The rhythm of his own sweet feet) – Aww, kiddies. You know, this kid is actually a really good tapper. He’s kind of got a Gregory Hines feel to his tap. That was a fun solo. But I agreed with the judges. He’s not a star. Too cheesy.

Karen (Celia Y Tito/Celia Cruz y Tito Puente) – So the score still stands at Ballroom Ladies: 0, SYTYCD Solos: Infinity. I’ve yet to see a ballroom girl do a really great solo on this show. I’m beginning to think it can’t be done.

Kevin (I Question Mark/Wade Robson) – The slow fall back to the floor was sick. But we’ve seen way better on this stage before. I enjoyed that he kind of went for the Michael homage, but overall, it was underwhelming, no?

And then they kicked off the hula girl and her GI. As it should be, kittens. As it should be. You know, I really think the judges were all set to give the “quirky” Ellenore the boot but Pauline danced herself right off of the show. Sad that. Got the girl right but missed the guy. Kevin got saved because Nigel got pissed off by Nathan’s stank attitude. In my wildest dreams, I couldn’t have come up with that. I’m claiming victory for this week, kittens. I know you won’t mind because you love me, right?