Turn and face the strange, kittens. Cat may be trying to distract us in her lovely red mini-cheongsam, but that doesn’t change the fact that we have a ton of the weird and the wonderful right here in the first episode of our beloved show. The lovely and talented Billy Bell is out. H1N1? Mono? Gone into a soap opera style coma? We don’t know, and the show ain’t telling, because faster than you can say c-o-n-spiracy related rumors, Brandon Dumlao is on our screens doing his intro dance in. BTW, Jakob, Russell, Nathan, and Victor in the dance ins? Killing it. That’s how it’s done, kiddies. And was that Nathan giving us a little pop, lock and drop it action? I see you baby. Shaking that ass.
And as we’re contemplating the prospect of no guest judges ever this season, just endlessly waiting for Paula, let’s all keep in mind that Shankdaddy got off perhaps the best line of the night (in and amongst some very snappy judge patter) by riffing on the mellifluous Lil C. I hope they do have guest judges this season, don’t you? They will be missed otherwise. That said, give me some Paula, dammit! You know she’s just sitting around drinking wine in a box and poking pins in her Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz voodoo dolls.
I thought long and hard . . . well, hard but not too long ‘cause, you know, I wanted to get something up for you, darlings. All for you. But anyway, I thought hard about how to approach tonight’s performances. Because they were all, for the most part, decent, no? There was nothing that really stood out as horrible. But there were also very few that leapt off the screen, only three by my count. So let’s just take them in order, shall we, and see what’s what.
Partner Dances
Channing/Philip/Jive/Jason Gilkison (Rockin’ Robin/Jackson Five) – Well, this song has been destroyed for me by frikkin’ Tattoo Sleeve, so this pair was already starting out in a hole. But in general, I like this pairing and think these two should do well together. And they were super cute in rehearsals. For the most part, they danced it well. Philip started off very strongly, great posture and nicely down into the floor. His style of tap, I think, lends itself to this smooth, old school ballroom Jive that Jason churned out. He did flag past the half way mark, as Unca Nigel noted, but overall, I thought he showed some solid technique. Channing was tentative from the start. She pulled it off, but there was a lot of hesitation in her movements. The foot on the back flip and pull through the legs was unfortunate and did cause them to “hunker down” as Adam noted. (And can I just say that Shankdaddy was on fire tonight. Loving him on the panel, noodles!) Overall, it was fun and forgettable. I had completely forgotten what they’d danced by the time we reached the recap. To end on a good note, kiddies, the costumes were gorgeous and appropriate. Well done, crack whores. Let’s enjoy while we can, though, because it’s about to get really bad.
Ashleigh/Jakob/Broadway/Tyce (Hit Me With A High Note [And Watch Me Bounce]) – Noooooooo. Dear dog, stop letting Tasty do Broadway. And my beautiful, beautiful Jakob paired up with Ashleigh? Again, I say “Noooooooooo.” I hate you sometimes, Show. I hate you so very much. And nobody cares about Ashleigh’s sob story. And really, kittens, I hadn’t quite processed it, but old girl is a total Monet. Her face is twelve ways busted. And TMI on all of your relationship business. THANK you, Cat Deeley. Bah, I just hate this tramp. She cannot leave soon enough. This was one of Tasty’s better Broadway efforts, not quite as overtly a Fosse rip off as other routines have been. The routine was elevated beyond where it naturally would have been because, as Mr. Shankman shared with the class, Jakob is a dance god walking among us. I mean, come on. That Illusion turn? The clean jetes with the air time for hours? He gets up higher than Jordan. Holy smokes, darlings. His every movement has intention behind it. Did Ashleigh even dance? We know that she didn’t help at all in the lifts, just kind of lay their like a sack of potatoes. But Jakob? He’s riveting. Moving forward, Ashleigh has got to step it up. If she can. Finish her lines. Extend through the fingertips. Mary is selling a bill of goods on this girl. She’s really on the bottom end of the remaining female dancers. And she will be saved week after week by the brilliance of her partner. Jakob Karr is the truth.
Ariana/Peter/Hip Hop/NappyTab (Black & Gold/Sam Sparro) - Sigh. So, they are supposed to be horny robots? Really? I didn’t have high hopes for this concept, but this routine actually turned out to be some of NappyTab’s best work in a really long time. Sadly, for them, these two didn’t give it all that they could have. And then Dave Scott came with his A game and blew them out of the water. But this had things to like. I really did like the beginning. The slow work was nice. Very crisp. And Peter actually impressed. That kid has some b-boy moves. I was not knowing. Both of them started off doing really well, but it all fell apart when the tempo picked up. They got out of synch, and Peter was hitting much harder than Ariana. The crack whores in wardrobe also took this moment to lose their damn minds, which didn’t help things at all. This was a pleasant and wholly forgettable routine. I wish they had done better, because they are both quite likeable.
Noelle/Russell/Foxtrot/Tony and Melanie (Vagabond Shoes/Vic Damone) – And here is another couple tailor made for hating. The rehearsal footage revealed that Noelle is truly an idiot and just as annoying as first impressions augured. And what’s worse, the bitch put my Russell at risk. Hell to the naw. Why the show just didn’t send this trick home (especially if the rumors are true and she had a pre-existing knee condition that she chose not to reveal to the producers) is beyond me. But she couldn’t dance, so Russell got lucky and pulled Melanie, whose hair looked absolutely insane. He was fortunate to be able to dance with such a strong partner. And Tony and Melanie were very smart with their choreography. That said, they young sir more than held his own. He really had a feel for the mood of the dance; and as the judges pointed out, the character work was superb and he stayed in character throughout. And did you check the battement he unleashed with full extension and a lovely pointed foot? This kid is a star. The technique was, as Mary noted, respectable. Yes, the steps in hold got a little bit sloppy, and sure the rise and fall wasn’t all the way there. But he more than held his own. The fact that this performance landed Russell in the B2 while Noelle sat on her ass in the audience and gets a free pass to next week is bullshit. This kid’s a star, noodles. Please recognize.
Bianca/Victor/Contemporary/Travis Wall (Wasted Time/Me’Shell Ndegeocello) – I was all set to tee these two up as a throw away couple, but the more I see of Victor, the more I fall head over heels for this kid. And Travis Wall as a choreographer is just a monster. The piece was gorgeous. He turned it all the way out. It was sexy as hell and intricate, and demanding, and did I mention sexy, kiddies? Because damn! As for the dancing, well Victor is a revelation. There was a gorgeous passage with him just walking and Bianca rolling on the floor that he commanded with a majestic presence. And that triply pirouette that he threw and then just pulled it into a dead stop and walked out of it like nothing? That was sick. The control was amazing. And as much as I hate Bianca, I must give props where they are due. Darlings, she held her own. I saw where Shankman was going with the shoulders and the need to get a better toe point and to really finish her moves, but Bianca surprised me with her abandon. She gave herself up to the dance and matched Victor’s intensity, if not his artistry. And she had some moment in there that were really quite lovely. There was a very quite couple of counts where Victor was in a deep plie in second and she was lying in his arms facing him and she did a couple of deep body rolls and that little moment was smoldering. This was one of my faves of the nights, noodles. Impressive.
Karen/Kevin/Cha Cha/Tony and Melanie (Push It/Glee Cast Recording) – Kittens, I love Glee as much as the next fag hag, but Push It is not appropriate music for Cha Cha. Mmmkay? Alright-y then. Kevin’s career as a model is the cutest thing ever. I am loving this kid. And Karen is a firecracker. Another good pairing in the works. Karen worked that stage. She was sex on a stick and Mary put her on the damn train as she should have. Let’s just get this out of the way. Kevin also did a really good job. He had nice hip action. He got down into the floor. He really embraced the flavor of the dance, including the black mesh shirt with open chest! And he showcased his lady, which is what a good ballroom lead does. Was the pretzel unfortunate? Is Dick Cheney evil? But on the whole, well done.
Ellenore/Ryan/Contemporary/Sonya (Arcadia/Apparat) – Ryan is a sexy beast, kiddies. God damn, that man is fine! How inconvenient. How can I hate him properly when he’s so, so pretty? You know how shallow I am. I enjoyed this piece. It was challenging. There was an interesting movement quality. It was conceptual but it was also beautiful. And they danced it well for the most part. Ryan, in particular, had a couple of really nice moments, like that turn sequence. I do think that they could have let go a little more and the piece would’ve been even better. I can’t help but imagine what say Jeanine and Brandon might have done with this piece last season. With a touch more abandon to the movement, they could’ve really had something. As it was, the choreography was more interesting than the dancers. I think they will get better as they come to now each other. I can see this developing into a solid pairing. They are well suited to each other. And Ryan? The man is fine. Let’s keep him shirtless as much as we possibly can, crack whores. And in eyeliner, trannys. I know how much you like that. And I do, too.
Brandon/Pauline/Smooth Waltz/Jason Gilkison (You Light Up My Life/Whitney Houston) – The only thing I was thinking during this dance was how much I miss Billy. And there’s Brandon’s problem in a nutshell. He’s not Billy. Billy would have killed in this Smooth Waltz. Or at least, he would have had a better chance to kill than Brandon did. And he would’ve been a stronger partner for Pauline. Unfortunately, Billy is not here this season, and Brandon and Pauline drew the short end of the stick with a style far outside of their comfort zone. The side by side work at the beginning was quite nice. But the partner work in hold? Oof. Brandon was really lacking here. Adam gave him great advice about the port de bras, and just more generally about engaging his back and core more. You could see he was trying to pull up and to bring the right carriage to the piece. But he’s just not quite there yet. I know, sometimes I question the wisdom of the judges, kiddies, but I totally see what the thinking was here. He needs a little more seasoning before he’s ready for the big stage. Pauline was fine, I guess, but she did lack a little sparkle. I would, too, I suppose, if I’d just lost Billy as my partner.
Kathryn/Legacy/Hip Hop/Dave Scott (On & On/Missy Elliot) – Dave Scott really brought it tonight. I hope this is the start of a move away from two NappyTab hip hop routines per week. Kittens, that’s how it’s done. Cool concept and really great choreography. And surprise, surprise, surprise, the high talker put her foot in this routine. She shocked the hell out of me. Not only was she better than I thought she would be, but she was also just flat out good. Hard hitting and rhythmical. Playful and fully committed. She more than held her own with Legacy, who was also fantastic in this piece. I loved the freeze he hit where she looked like she was holding him up by the foot. On the whole, these two put it down. So much so that Mary lost her whole entire mind. Well, even more than usual. But back to Dave Scott, did Nigel say 6’2”, darlings? I could do some damage with that. Dave Scott needs to call me. For real.
Mollee/Nathan/Disco/Doriana (Turn the Beat Around/Gloria Estefan) – The routine sucked ass. It was a trick festival, as all Doriana routines are. And it featured the unfortunate return of the cunniliftus. Nonetheless, Mollee and Nathan danced what they were given with abandon and youthful élan. And the non-cunnilingus lifts were quite good. I can’t even really comment because there wasn’t a lot of actual dance content in that dance. What they did, they did well. Oh, and I hate the pairing. I know they are trying to sell this couple as the teen dreams, but should I ever find out what overpriced apartment complex they have these kids sequestered in, I suspect that I will go there and do violence on Mollee. She works my every last nerve and I would like to make her cry. Good dancer, though, kittens. At least there’s that. That was certainly no way to end the performance show. And Shankdaddy hates disco, too! My love for him grows and grows.
B4
Russell in B4 was bullshit. I truly think the judges put him there just because they wanted to see him dance. And I get that. Who wouldn’t want to see him dance? He’s magnificent. And his DOD was one of the best ever on the show in any style, and definitely the best first results show DOD ever. Brandon’s DOD was a head scratcher. I will never understand why he chose to spend copious amounts of time rolling around on the floor when he was supposed to be dancing for his life, not that I think it would have ever mattered because who didn’t know that he was going home? But still. Neither Ariana nor Pauline made very good impressions in their DODs, and Pauline’s choice of music made absolutely no sense. Unless you are going to dance samba, don’t ever choose Magalenha. The more you know.
Out
Bye bye Brandon. I sincerely hope they do let him come back next year because I think he’s’ very talented and he kind of got the shaft. They should’ve just let Pauline dance with Tony and put her with whichever boy was left without a partner this week from girls' elimination. That by rights should have been Russell. It’s completely unfair that Noelle has a shot to come back next week after sitting out the first performance show. Sadly, Pauline’s new partner next week will be Peter because Ariana’s gone. I would’ve kept Pauline over Ariana, too, because I think Pauline has more potential, but damn, noodles. What a way to go. When you know there’s someone undeserving waiting in the wings to take your spot. If Noelle's knee looks as bad as it seemed to be (and if it really is the result of a pre-existing injury), what are the odds that she’ll be ready to go by next week? And if she’s not, do they bring Ariana back? And if they do, do they then break up Peter/Pauline (which seems like a horrible couple) to put Ariana back with her original partner and make Pauline switch yet again to Russell? Do they keep Peter with Pauline and bring Ariana back and pair her with Russell? Do they do an all shuffle like in the good old S1 days? It’s a clusterfuck, kittens. And it was completely avoidable. Just off Billy and Noelle this week and move on. Why do we have to think of everything?
On the whole, a satisfying evening of TV. I don’t have any love them to death couples yet, but I do have some love them to death contestants (all men). See you next week. Rassen frassin baseball. Remember when the Fall Classic actually happened during the fall, not stretched into damn near early winter? Good times. Good times.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Finals Ep 1 So Let Me Introduce to You the One and Only . . .
This is directly from my notes last night, kittens. No filtering other than small formatting sleight of hand. You are getting mama’s pure, unadulterated thoughts because she is a huge slacker and must get something in under the gun before tonight’s performance show. Lucky you!
Love the new credits!
Oh, and new set. Cat Deeley looked gorgeous in that dress. I wanted to rip it off her back and put it on mine immediately.
Shankdaddy on the panel. What, what! And the promise of Paula. Bring it on! Take that AI.
Group Routine by Wade. Love Wade. I’m so glad he’s back, kiddies. So the dance is like Beat It? Alright, Wade. Get over MJ. That was a really long time ago.
Here we go. They all looked gorge. Wade is a genius. And who was that boy front and center turning it out? And the two hip hoppers? Forget about it. The ladies in green were also tearing it up. Was that Pauline and one of the unknown black girls? That routine was fire, darlings. Strangé, Wade Robson, sir. Strangé.
NappyTab. Ugh. Why?
Russell/Kevin/Legacy/Hip Hop/NappyTab(Beggin/District 78 Remix) – Um, hi, Show. You have had a krumper on before. Comfort? Remember her? Little black girl? Didn’t dance as big as her personality? These three were infinitely better than the choreography that they were given. That choreo sucked tremendous amounts of ASSS. Dammit, NappyTab. They really can’t do other than the interpretive, mime style of choreography.
Tasty? Ugh. Well, at least it was contemporary, which he can do well usually. Just keep him away from the Broadway, for the love of all that’s holy.
Ariana/Jakob/Channing/Nathan/Contemporary/Tyce (Crying/KD Lang)– Awesome. Jakob. Jakob Karr is a wonder. He’s so real, so authentic. And his lines are out of this world. I told y’all. He is the truth. Nathan. And that leap by Ariana. Oh my damn. That was beautiful. Just breathtaking. Nathan’s turn sequence – I just . . . there are no words. I loved that piece beyond reason. Why can’t Tyce be that good all the time? It is a puzzle, kiddies.
A tap dancer has made it to top 20 before. They really just want to pretend like S1 never existed. You lie, Cat! (Quick, somebody make a t-shirt)
Bianca/Philip/Peter/Tap/Derick K. Grant (Take the A Train) – Derick seems like a funky dude. And those three make a cute crew. I still don’t like Bianca. What was she wearing? Oh, crack whores. The camera monkeys don’t know how to film tap. Dear Coked Up Camera Monkeys, Please watch some old Fred Astaire and/or Gene Kelly movies and learn how to effectively film tap. Thank you. Love, Me. That was a nice set for Peter. And Philip is so smooth. I think the boys are much better tappers than the girl. Nigel, you sure are right about not being able to teach tap in a week.
Mollee/Pauline/Ellanore/Jazz/Sonya (Ona Cloud/IPPPO) – So this is the first time they are letting jazz be a separate category. I wonder how they made the distinction. Probably just asked the kids what they preferred, I guess, because I seem to remember that Mollee, at least, was classified as “contemporary” during the audition rounds. I was loving this routine in the rehearsals, darlings, but the performance fell flat. The girls all displayed solid technique. Nice, centered doubles turns. And that turn into a held extension that Ellanore did? So hard. So much control. And yet, the whole thing lacked oomph. I feel like these three girls are all better dancers than what was shown. That was kind of a theme of the night. They could’ve done much, much more than what they were asked to do. Kittens, I often think I like Sonya herself more than I like her choreography. And the whole thing was done no favors by the horrible, hideous costumes. Wardrobe whores? Still on crack.
Victor/Noelle/Kathryn/Billy/ Contemporary/Mandy (Viva La Vida/Coldplay) – So this is the annoying and irrelevant group + Billy, no? At least the high talker was less high tonight, darlings. I LOVE BILLY. He is exquisite. There was some really nice partner work in that piece from him, too, which surprised me. And the body control on that kid is insane. Insane. Look at the toe point. The extension. Kittens, I was not even watching anyone else. He’s just so fucking beautiful.
Karen/Ashleigh/Ryan/ Latin Ballroom/Jason Gilickson (Everything I Can’t Have/Robin Thicke) – That was cute rehearsal footage. And it was a cute routine. Sexy Time is still a hot tamale. And she has gorgeous feet. And Ryan really is that good. Dammit. Because I’m all set not to like him. Ashleigh is just a cipher. It’s tight on you when you can’t generate more heat with your husband than an almost complete stranger. Well, that was fun, but lacked the punch to close the show, no, noodles?
On to performance night. I’m gutted to be losing one of the two folks we’ll lose. And if that’s a spoiler to anyone, then y’all really need to get out more.
Love the new credits!
Oh, and new set. Cat Deeley looked gorgeous in that dress. I wanted to rip it off her back and put it on mine immediately.
Shankdaddy on the panel. What, what! And the promise of Paula. Bring it on! Take that AI.
Group Routine by Wade. Love Wade. I’m so glad he’s back, kiddies. So the dance is like Beat It? Alright, Wade. Get over MJ. That was a really long time ago.
Here we go. They all looked gorge. Wade is a genius. And who was that boy front and center turning it out? And the two hip hoppers? Forget about it. The ladies in green were also tearing it up. Was that Pauline and one of the unknown black girls? That routine was fire, darlings. Strangé, Wade Robson, sir. Strangé.
NappyTab. Ugh. Why?
Russell/Kevin/Legacy/Hip Hop/NappyTab(Beggin/District 78 Remix) – Um, hi, Show. You have had a krumper on before. Comfort? Remember her? Little black girl? Didn’t dance as big as her personality? These three were infinitely better than the choreography that they were given. That choreo sucked tremendous amounts of ASSS. Dammit, NappyTab. They really can’t do other than the interpretive, mime style of choreography.
Tasty? Ugh. Well, at least it was contemporary, which he can do well usually. Just keep him away from the Broadway, for the love of all that’s holy.
Ariana/Jakob/Channing/Nathan/Contemporary/Tyce (Crying/KD Lang)– Awesome. Jakob. Jakob Karr is a wonder. He’s so real, so authentic. And his lines are out of this world. I told y’all. He is the truth. Nathan. And that leap by Ariana. Oh my damn. That was beautiful. Just breathtaking. Nathan’s turn sequence – I just . . . there are no words. I loved that piece beyond reason. Why can’t Tyce be that good all the time? It is a puzzle, kiddies.
A tap dancer has made it to top 20 before. They really just want to pretend like S1 never existed. You lie, Cat! (Quick, somebody make a t-shirt)
Bianca/Philip/Peter/Tap/Derick K. Grant (Take the A Train) – Derick seems like a funky dude. And those three make a cute crew. I still don’t like Bianca. What was she wearing? Oh, crack whores. The camera monkeys don’t know how to film tap. Dear Coked Up Camera Monkeys, Please watch some old Fred Astaire and/or Gene Kelly movies and learn how to effectively film tap. Thank you. Love, Me. That was a nice set for Peter. And Philip is so smooth. I think the boys are much better tappers than the girl. Nigel, you sure are right about not being able to teach tap in a week.
Mollee/Pauline/Ellanore/Jazz/Sonya (Ona Cloud/IPPPO) – So this is the first time they are letting jazz be a separate category. I wonder how they made the distinction. Probably just asked the kids what they preferred, I guess, because I seem to remember that Mollee, at least, was classified as “contemporary” during the audition rounds. I was loving this routine in the rehearsals, darlings, but the performance fell flat. The girls all displayed solid technique. Nice, centered doubles turns. And that turn into a held extension that Ellanore did? So hard. So much control. And yet, the whole thing lacked oomph. I feel like these three girls are all better dancers than what was shown. That was kind of a theme of the night. They could’ve done much, much more than what they were asked to do. Kittens, I often think I like Sonya herself more than I like her choreography. And the whole thing was done no favors by the horrible, hideous costumes. Wardrobe whores? Still on crack.
Victor/Noelle/Kathryn/Billy/ Contemporary/Mandy (Viva La Vida/Coldplay) – So this is the annoying and irrelevant group + Billy, no? At least the high talker was less high tonight, darlings. I LOVE BILLY. He is exquisite. There was some really nice partner work in that piece from him, too, which surprised me. And the body control on that kid is insane. Insane. Look at the toe point. The extension. Kittens, I was not even watching anyone else. He’s just so fucking beautiful.
Karen/Ashleigh/Ryan/ Latin Ballroom/Jason Gilickson (Everything I Can’t Have/Robin Thicke) – That was cute rehearsal footage. And it was a cute routine. Sexy Time is still a hot tamale. And she has gorgeous feet. And Ryan really is that good. Dammit. Because I’m all set not to like him. Ashleigh is just a cipher. It’s tight on you when you can’t generate more heat with your husband than an almost complete stranger. Well, that was fun, but lacked the punch to close the show, no, noodles?
On to performance night. I’m gutted to be losing one of the two folks we’ll lose. And if that’s a spoiler to anyone, then y’all really need to get out more.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Top 20 Reveal EP Dance Floor Pro
And away we go, kittens. Can I say that I’m relieved that I’m not more appalled by the composition of your top 20? Because darlings, let’s face it. It could’ve been much, much worse. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a whole lot of WTF to go around, and I will proceed to get my bitch on below. But on the whole, I’m more than satisfied. There was minimal judgery last night; we moved through the chaff expeditiously; and I got my krumper, my Harry Belafonte look alike tapper, and my three beautiful contempo boys, along with golf ball ankle Pauline Mata, two little adorable black girls who I don’t remember ever even seeing before, the sex bomb ballroom chick, and cute as a button Channing Cooke, so I’m all set with my top 10 and the season hasn't even started.
Getting Jiggy With It
Nathan Trasoras – This one was obvious, noodles. The show has had a hard on for this kid since last year’s audition rounds. Make that the show and I have had a hard on for this kid since last year’s audition rounds. Much like Brandon in S5, this kid was the best dancer on the show from the wings last season, and I expect him to be an absolute monster this season. Of course, he won’t win because the best technical dancer will never, ever win on this show. But he will be heartbreakingly beautiful to watch so long as he remains on the scene. He’s like S4 Matt without the stick up his butt!
Channing Cooke – I want to like this girl, kiddies. I really, really do. She’s a spunky, precocious blonde who can actually dance. She’s the anti-Molly. I expect I will enjoy her run on the SYTYCD stage and I have her in my presumptive top 5 girls. But ye gods! I hate her black satin romper and black secretary pumps. That outfit makes the baby Jesus cry tears of molten hot lava. It’s beyond hideous. I will not be able to continue to like her if she keeps displaying such egregiously bad fashion. And that’s without the interference of the crack whores in wardrobe. When will our long national romper nightmare be over, kittens? When will the lambs stop screaming?
Arianna Dubose and Eleanor Scott – Wow, they were cuties. The first one with the wild hair was the one who was so good that she made Mia throw a pen at her. Hee! Too bad that in the hundreds of hours of Vegas footage, they couldn’t find a way to give us more than a snippet of either one of these ladies. I guess we just really, really needed to spend time with that delusional crying boy or have that bikini montage of the girls at the Planet Hollywood swimming pool. Because it’s a dance show after all. Heaven forbid that we’d fill the time up with actual dancing.
Billy Bell – Sublime. Oh this kid is heaven, darlings. Julliard’s loss is surely our gain. I predict many more Shankdaddy tears as a result of watching this boy move. This kid, noodles, this kid is the reason that I am hating losing Mia this season. Show me a dancer that’s more perfectly built to do her choreography. I defy you. Maybe Travis Wall. I’m putting this kid in that category right now. I would kill to see him do a Mia piece. Or Wade. Sigh. That bitch will be missed.
Russell Ferguson – He’s better than great. He’s great great! Kittens, was there ever a doubt that he must be on this show? And did you see him with the tears and the break down and the jiggly excitement? Awwwww. He’s sooo cute. I am loving me some Russell Ferguson.
Kevin Hunt – Oh, he’s so good too. Yes. We love. We love! Please let them have some decent hip hop choreographers on the show this season. Shane’s so far over this show, it’s not even funny. And Dave Scott is brilliant, but neither he nor Lil C. have ever done their best work for SYTYCD. I would love to see them start bringing back past contestants here. Any of the guys from Qwest would turn it out – Ryan, Hawk, even Dominic (although the mugging might kill me). I’d bet Twitch would be a good choreographer. I’d love to se Donyelle come back and do some choreo. Or how about stealing some other folks from ABDC. Have Jabba come on and set a piece on the kids. That would be amazing. And they have kids with the chops to do it justice this season. Please all the saints above, no more weeks of two NappyTab mime routines.
Phillip Attmore – Hey, it’s the pretty Harry Belafonte clone. The one who’s seen Kasprzak Sr’s ass. I had forgotten all about him once they offed poor old KHoof. But now he’s back. He’s here. He’s in the top 20. And bringing a whole truck load of pretty with him, too. Yummy, noodles. And he’s done a ton of cross training, if memory serves. A real gypsy. This should be good. And, ewww. Was the judges panel trying to give him the “arrogant/won’t listen/ journey” crap? Honestly. What is it about light skinned black boys and this panel?
Jakob Karr – We haven’t seen nearly as much of this kid as I would like, so just believe me when I tell you , kiddies, this kids is amazing. Amaaazzzzing. He’s the truth.
Pauline Mata – She’s another amazing dancer. I’m so glad they took her, bum foot and all. She can represent for the Pinoy Power. We haven’t had a great one since Melody in S1. And Shankman was so sweet with her. I heart Shankdaddy.
Ryan De Lillo – Well, he beat out Sexy Time Gene. Thank heavens for small favors, no? Here’s the thing. Unca Nigel can try to sell me on this kid all day long and I am just not buying. Oh, he’s pretty enough and a fine return to shirtless form for the ballroom boys after a couple of rather down seasons. But no one who would marry a creature like that wife of his can be all hunky dory. There is something rotten in the state of New Jersey, and it goes by the last name of De Lillo. I’ll enjoy the chest while I can, but I am hoping for an early exit for both him and his wife. Preferrably on the same week. So that they don’t have too miss each other too much. Because I’m compassionate like that.
Jigga What?
Bianca Revels – Liar, liar pants on fire. Kittens, you know she would have been nasty and stank if she hadn’t made it this season. I will not forget the stankitude that came out last season. Nay. I will keep the hate fires burning hot and bright. Because this girl really, really thinks she is the shit. Did you see, kiddies, the way she shoved herself into the middle of every group hug for every contestant coming out of the green mile, win or lose? More camera time for Bianca. Did you see how she always checked that she was on screen, on the good side, looking appropriately saddened or overjoyed? Bitch can’t fool me. And breeding will tell. I predict ugly from this one. I just don’t like her.
Peter Sabasino – So he’s the Cedric this year? OK.
Legacy Perez – OK, so he’s the Cedric? There are too many Cedrics, noodles.
Molly Gray – They are pushing her way too hard. She is good, but I’m already over her. So, so tired of her face. And she and that best friend are unbearable. I cannot stomach the two of them. Bleagh. Too cute by half. I’ll be glad to see the back of her.
Ashleigh De Lillo – Is a joke, kiddies. She and her elastic plastic face, and her fakey fake smile. And she’s not even that great of a dancer. Better girls were cut so that her husband wouldn’t miss out on his nightly nookie. Hell to the naw. She’s another one who can’t leave fast enough.
Jigga Who?
Kathryn – Completely unknown to me before today. Kittens, I didn’t even catch her last name. Well Done, Show. And my first impression of her is that she’s a whiny crybaby. Yuck. She’s actually a very pretty dancer, though. Maybe if she cries less? Oh, who am I kidding, darlings? She might as well be wearing a red shirt. I suppose every season needs it’s cannon fodder.
Victor Smalley – Goodie, more cannon fodder. Hmm. And the hair really was a problem. The hair was bad. He’s pretty enough now that he’s been trimmed, and seems to be a fine dancer. But there’s so much talent at the top among the boys. And he seems a step down from the big three among the contempo boys. I don’t see much of a future for this kid, so I hope he enjoys his 15 minutes.
Noelle – I hate this girl with everything in me. I don’t even know her at all, and yet, I hate her. You’ve wanted this since you were three? To be on this show? SYTYCD? Which hasn’t even been in existence since you were three unless you are some freak ass SORAS baby? Umm, OK, genius. Did I mention how much I hate her? I don’t remember her at all, but I hate her all the same. And of course, she’s BFF with the other annoying crumpet. Perfect. Those two together are sapping my will to live.
Karen – Ah yes, the Sexy Time girl. Well, they always need cute ballroom girls to get the hip hoppers through those first, difficult weeks of partnering. So here’s hoping that she gets paired up with either Kevin or Legacy and gives them a teensy leg up. She might even squeak into the top 10 if the cards lay right for her. I’m slightly inclined to like this one, kiddies.
The Jig Is Up
David – I cannot believe the judges cut my yellow shorts ballet boy. They were seriously smoking that bad monkey crack. Oh, I loved him. Cute accent, too. Well that was unexpected, noodles. Badly done, judges. Badly done.
Amber Jackson – We liked bad performance quality girl, didn’t we? What happened? Again, I was kind of shocked. Maybe the judges felt we had reached our black girl quota for the season? I think three might be the most they’ve ever had. Add that in with the three black boys and yeah. OK. Now it’s all becoming clear to me.
Paula Van Oppen - Love her. She is a superstar. I hope she didn’t drop out to be in Fame because it was a piece of trash and a big old flop to boot. Maybe she’ll be in Step Up 3D? Because that would be awesome!
Monday, Monday, Monday! Kittens, I’m feeling that old feeling. And I’m not mad that the judges get to make the calls for the first couple of weeks while the baseball playoffs are winding down, because that’s pretty much they way it was before except America got to put some parameters around the judges choices by picking the B3. Besides, you bitches can’t be trusted anyway. I hope these kids are ready for their close ups.
Getting Jiggy With It
Nathan Trasoras – This one was obvious, noodles. The show has had a hard on for this kid since last year’s audition rounds. Make that the show and I have had a hard on for this kid since last year’s audition rounds. Much like Brandon in S5, this kid was the best dancer on the show from the wings last season, and I expect him to be an absolute monster this season. Of course, he won’t win because the best technical dancer will never, ever win on this show. But he will be heartbreakingly beautiful to watch so long as he remains on the scene. He’s like S4 Matt without the stick up his butt!
Channing Cooke – I want to like this girl, kiddies. I really, really do. She’s a spunky, precocious blonde who can actually dance. She’s the anti-Molly. I expect I will enjoy her run on the SYTYCD stage and I have her in my presumptive top 5 girls. But ye gods! I hate her black satin romper and black secretary pumps. That outfit makes the baby Jesus cry tears of molten hot lava. It’s beyond hideous. I will not be able to continue to like her if she keeps displaying such egregiously bad fashion. And that’s without the interference of the crack whores in wardrobe. When will our long national romper nightmare be over, kittens? When will the lambs stop screaming?
Arianna Dubose and Eleanor Scott – Wow, they were cuties. The first one with the wild hair was the one who was so good that she made Mia throw a pen at her. Hee! Too bad that in the hundreds of hours of Vegas footage, they couldn’t find a way to give us more than a snippet of either one of these ladies. I guess we just really, really needed to spend time with that delusional crying boy or have that bikini montage of the girls at the Planet Hollywood swimming pool. Because it’s a dance show after all. Heaven forbid that we’d fill the time up with actual dancing.
Billy Bell – Sublime. Oh this kid is heaven, darlings. Julliard’s loss is surely our gain. I predict many more Shankdaddy tears as a result of watching this boy move. This kid, noodles, this kid is the reason that I am hating losing Mia this season. Show me a dancer that’s more perfectly built to do her choreography. I defy you. Maybe Travis Wall. I’m putting this kid in that category right now. I would kill to see him do a Mia piece. Or Wade. Sigh. That bitch will be missed.
Russell Ferguson – He’s better than great. He’s great great! Kittens, was there ever a doubt that he must be on this show? And did you see him with the tears and the break down and the jiggly excitement? Awwwww. He’s sooo cute. I am loving me some Russell Ferguson.
Kevin Hunt – Oh, he’s so good too. Yes. We love. We love! Please let them have some decent hip hop choreographers on the show this season. Shane’s so far over this show, it’s not even funny. And Dave Scott is brilliant, but neither he nor Lil C. have ever done their best work for SYTYCD. I would love to see them start bringing back past contestants here. Any of the guys from Qwest would turn it out – Ryan, Hawk, even Dominic (although the mugging might kill me). I’d bet Twitch would be a good choreographer. I’d love to se Donyelle come back and do some choreo. Or how about stealing some other folks from ABDC. Have Jabba come on and set a piece on the kids. That would be amazing. And they have kids with the chops to do it justice this season. Please all the saints above, no more weeks of two NappyTab mime routines.
Phillip Attmore – Hey, it’s the pretty Harry Belafonte clone. The one who’s seen Kasprzak Sr’s ass. I had forgotten all about him once they offed poor old KHoof. But now he’s back. He’s here. He’s in the top 20. And bringing a whole truck load of pretty with him, too. Yummy, noodles. And he’s done a ton of cross training, if memory serves. A real gypsy. This should be good. And, ewww. Was the judges panel trying to give him the “arrogant/won’t listen/ journey” crap? Honestly. What is it about light skinned black boys and this panel?
Jakob Karr – We haven’t seen nearly as much of this kid as I would like, so just believe me when I tell you , kiddies, this kids is amazing. Amaaazzzzing. He’s the truth.
Pauline Mata – She’s another amazing dancer. I’m so glad they took her, bum foot and all. She can represent for the Pinoy Power. We haven’t had a great one since Melody in S1. And Shankman was so sweet with her. I heart Shankdaddy.
Ryan De Lillo – Well, he beat out Sexy Time Gene. Thank heavens for small favors, no? Here’s the thing. Unca Nigel can try to sell me on this kid all day long and I am just not buying. Oh, he’s pretty enough and a fine return to shirtless form for the ballroom boys after a couple of rather down seasons. But no one who would marry a creature like that wife of his can be all hunky dory. There is something rotten in the state of New Jersey, and it goes by the last name of De Lillo. I’ll enjoy the chest while I can, but I am hoping for an early exit for both him and his wife. Preferrably on the same week. So that they don’t have too miss each other too much. Because I’m compassionate like that.
Jigga What?
Bianca Revels – Liar, liar pants on fire. Kittens, you know she would have been nasty and stank if she hadn’t made it this season. I will not forget the stankitude that came out last season. Nay. I will keep the hate fires burning hot and bright. Because this girl really, really thinks she is the shit. Did you see, kiddies, the way she shoved herself into the middle of every group hug for every contestant coming out of the green mile, win or lose? More camera time for Bianca. Did you see how she always checked that she was on screen, on the good side, looking appropriately saddened or overjoyed? Bitch can’t fool me. And breeding will tell. I predict ugly from this one. I just don’t like her.
Peter Sabasino – So he’s the Cedric this year? OK.
Legacy Perez – OK, so he’s the Cedric? There are too many Cedrics, noodles.
Molly Gray – They are pushing her way too hard. She is good, but I’m already over her. So, so tired of her face. And she and that best friend are unbearable. I cannot stomach the two of them. Bleagh. Too cute by half. I’ll be glad to see the back of her.
Ashleigh De Lillo – Is a joke, kiddies. She and her elastic plastic face, and her fakey fake smile. And she’s not even that great of a dancer. Better girls were cut so that her husband wouldn’t miss out on his nightly nookie. Hell to the naw. She’s another one who can’t leave fast enough.
Jigga Who?
Kathryn – Completely unknown to me before today. Kittens, I didn’t even catch her last name. Well Done, Show. And my first impression of her is that she’s a whiny crybaby. Yuck. She’s actually a very pretty dancer, though. Maybe if she cries less? Oh, who am I kidding, darlings? She might as well be wearing a red shirt. I suppose every season needs it’s cannon fodder.
Victor Smalley – Goodie, more cannon fodder. Hmm. And the hair really was a problem. The hair was bad. He’s pretty enough now that he’s been trimmed, and seems to be a fine dancer. But there’s so much talent at the top among the boys. And he seems a step down from the big three among the contempo boys. I don’t see much of a future for this kid, so I hope he enjoys his 15 minutes.
Noelle – I hate this girl with everything in me. I don’t even know her at all, and yet, I hate her. You’ve wanted this since you were three? To be on this show? SYTYCD? Which hasn’t even been in existence since you were three unless you are some freak ass SORAS baby? Umm, OK, genius. Did I mention how much I hate her? I don’t remember her at all, but I hate her all the same. And of course, she’s BFF with the other annoying crumpet. Perfect. Those two together are sapping my will to live.
Karen – Ah yes, the Sexy Time girl. Well, they always need cute ballroom girls to get the hip hoppers through those first, difficult weeks of partnering. So here’s hoping that she gets paired up with either Kevin or Legacy and gives them a teensy leg up. She might even squeak into the top 10 if the cards lay right for her. I’m slightly inclined to like this one, kiddies.
The Jig Is Up
David – I cannot believe the judges cut my yellow shorts ballet boy. They were seriously smoking that bad monkey crack. Oh, I loved him. Cute accent, too. Well that was unexpected, noodles. Badly done, judges. Badly done.
Amber Jackson – We liked bad performance quality girl, didn’t we? What happened? Again, I was kind of shocked. Maybe the judges felt we had reached our black girl quota for the season? I think three might be the most they’ve ever had. Add that in with the three black boys and yeah. OK. Now it’s all becoming clear to me.
Paula Van Oppen - Love her. She is a superstar. I hope she didn’t drop out to be in Fame because it was a piece of trash and a big old flop to boot. Maybe she’ll be in Step Up 3D? Because that would be awesome!
Monday, Monday, Monday! Kittens, I’m feeling that old feeling. And I’m not mad that the judges get to make the calls for the first couple of weeks while the baseball playoffs are winding down, because that’s pretty much they way it was before except America got to put some parameters around the judges choices by picking the B3. Besides, you bitches can’t be trusted anyway. I hope these kids are ready for their close ups.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep8 What A Town Without Pity Can Do
Darlings, I've been hanging out with the 'Quils, Day and Ny, trying my darnedest to recover from the H1N1, so perhaps I'm a tad bit cranky and emotional. Yes, more than usual. But I swear it's not just the fever from the Swine Flu forcing me to confess to you, kiddies, that I'm worried about our little show. It's Vegas Week. It's pre-top 20 mania. Miss Debbie Allen is in the house giving the concern eyebrows. Shankdaddy is there being the fabulous queen bitch that he is. Mia has her chief gremlin acolyte, Tasty, by her side to be her own personal amen chorus. And Cat has hundreds of sleep deprived, over worked and under fed dancers who wake up every morning halfway to total melt down while they are scratching to compete on the one venue that tosses gypsies a crumb from the fame feast table where no talent poplets and reality TV "stars" gorge themselves every day; a table those dancers usually just get to sit and stare longingly at while the likes of Jessica Simpson and Brit Brit scooch down to make space for Jon Gosselin after he becomes a foster dad for the balloon boy and starts his new TLC show Three Famewhores and a Baby with that Heene father and Michael Lohan. Where was I? Oh, the show. Yeah. Not even Boomkat could drum up an eyedropper's worth of drama this week. No group dance meltdowns? (Seriously, AI has been on for eleven million years and Ryan still manages to gin a battle from some red weave wearing contestant) No character assassinations of contestants who we actually care about and have a real shot at making the show? (Because that crying boy is no "Danny is arrogant" or "Mia and Lil C vs. Miss Debbie Allen and Mary Brandon Bryant throwdown") No inexplicable bootings of contestants who could flat out turn it out? (Nobody wanted the balder, less attractive Kasprzak on the show. Nope. Nobody) Has it really come to this, noodles? At first, I was ready to chalk it up to show fatigue. Marilyn once accused her fickle fans in song with the devestating refrain of "After you get what you want, you don't want it." And I'll admit, I thought that might apply, no? I always say that given my druthers, I'd watch all AI/SYTYCD all the time. I never want the shows to go on hiatus, but maybe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing? Maybe it wasn't the show? Maybe it was just me? But watching Wednesday's sad, sad excuse for a top 20 primer, I feel confident that it's not me. The show is not giving good show.
Sure, they have me hooked on a few storylines. After all, kittens, I'm only human. How can I not fall in love with Russell the Krumper who is absolutely killing it? But in the very next breath, Unca Nigel tries to sell me on the saga of the untrained street dancer. And this after they showed Russell acknowledging that he has trained in other styles. He can do other styles. He has been preparing for just this occurrence, which is what I think the show would want and want to promote. So why, why go back to the untrained dancer well? Especially when we know it's bullshit? Gah. But anyway, loving on Russell. And obvi, I've fallen for Pauline Mata, she of the golf ball sized ankle. She is amazing. Will they let her through? Hmmm. Well, considering that the girls' ranks are mighty thin when "Not as Good as my Husband" DeLillo passes for a compelling Vegas week story, I'm guessing the answer to that question is a yes. And I think Shankdaddy's tears said it all for all of us about the magnificent Billy Bell. Full stop. But really? We're how many weeks in, and I can't even work up a good head of steam for the coming top 20 reveal.
And after that lies the long, Mia-less season stretched out before us. Noodles, it's almost too much. Losing Paula from AI has almost broken me. I still don't know how I'm going to go on with frikkin' Judge #4 and Ellen. But to lose Mia from SYTYCD? My whole world's been torn asunder. You all know I came close to cutting the her last year, and lord knows some of her work is ridiculously overpraised. Dead. Daddy. Dance. But bitch can choreograph. Even when I don't like it, I respect it. She is challenging for both the audience and the dancers. We all grow from having her push our buttons. The show will be infinitely diminished without her. Add no Mia to the drastically reduced amounts of Wade we got last season, and who do you have left who really pushes the envelope, who brings artistry to the stage in a major way? They let B.Free do two highly controversial pieces last year, but he's not on the same level as Mia and Wade. I love Brian Friedman, but that's just what's true. Tyce has done a couple of truly brilliant contemporary pieces, but even a stopped watch is going to be right twice a day. Tasty can always be counted on to serve up more misses than hits. Sonya is quirky, darlings, but her choreography can definitely be a tad too twee to really go to the emotional depths that even a middling Mia piece can get to. And you all know that I love Paula more than my luggage. And the woman can dance and choreograph. Period. But her whole vibe is so different from Mia's. You can't even compare. I actually would love for the show to land Paula as a choreographer and a guest judge, but she's no Mia substitute. Well, there is no Mia substitute. There's the rub.
Top 20 get revealed this week and I'm kind of paralyzed with all the not caring. Maybe once I get over H1N1, I'll get some enthusiasm back? It's got to get better, noodles. It can scarce get worse.
Sure, they have me hooked on a few storylines. After all, kittens, I'm only human. How can I not fall in love with Russell the Krumper who is absolutely killing it? But in the very next breath, Unca Nigel tries to sell me on the saga of the untrained street dancer. And this after they showed Russell acknowledging that he has trained in other styles. He can do other styles. He has been preparing for just this occurrence, which is what I think the show would want and want to promote. So why, why go back to the untrained dancer well? Especially when we know it's bullshit? Gah. But anyway, loving on Russell. And obvi, I've fallen for Pauline Mata, she of the golf ball sized ankle. She is amazing. Will they let her through? Hmmm. Well, considering that the girls' ranks are mighty thin when "Not as Good as my Husband" DeLillo passes for a compelling Vegas week story, I'm guessing the answer to that question is a yes. And I think Shankdaddy's tears said it all for all of us about the magnificent Billy Bell. Full stop. But really? We're how many weeks in, and I can't even work up a good head of steam for the coming top 20 reveal.
And after that lies the long, Mia-less season stretched out before us. Noodles, it's almost too much. Losing Paula from AI has almost broken me. I still don't know how I'm going to go on with frikkin' Judge #4 and Ellen. But to lose Mia from SYTYCD? My whole world's been torn asunder. You all know I came close to cutting the her last year, and lord knows some of her work is ridiculously overpraised. Dead. Daddy. Dance. But bitch can choreograph. Even when I don't like it, I respect it. She is challenging for both the audience and the dancers. We all grow from having her push our buttons. The show will be infinitely diminished without her. Add no Mia to the drastically reduced amounts of Wade we got last season, and who do you have left who really pushes the envelope, who brings artistry to the stage in a major way? They let B.Free do two highly controversial pieces last year, but he's not on the same level as Mia and Wade. I love Brian Friedman, but that's just what's true. Tyce has done a couple of truly brilliant contemporary pieces, but even a stopped watch is going to be right twice a day. Tasty can always be counted on to serve up more misses than hits. Sonya is quirky, darlings, but her choreography can definitely be a tad too twee to really go to the emotional depths that even a middling Mia piece can get to. And you all know that I love Paula more than my luggage. And the woman can dance and choreograph. Period. But her whole vibe is so different from Mia's. You can't even compare. I actually would love for the show to land Paula as a choreographer and a guest judge, but she's no Mia substitute. Well, there is no Mia substitute. There's the rub.
Top 20 get revealed this week and I'm kind of paralyzed with all the not caring. Maybe once I get over H1N1, I'll get some enthusiasm back? It's got to get better, noodles. It can scarce get worse.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep6 I'm On A Mission, You Better Just Listen
Ah, Utah. My old nemesis. We meet again. Kittens, how is that somehow I missed N’awlins because people refuse to pay me to sit around and look fabulous, and I come back to the “Dear god, put away the eye shadow!” capitol of the world? That ain’t right.
Noodles, Salt Lake may have opened up with the adorable Cat Deeley still rocking the Marcia Brady, super straight, center part hair, but it can’t fool me. It is a hot bed of white ‘n crazy. And since it’s late and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints always gets my dander up, let’s jump right in and discuss who was hot enough to require a pair of magic chastity panties and who was more unclean than Negroes and caffeinated beverages, shall we?
Day One
Nigel’s dressed like the Good Humor Man; Mary continues to pretend like she can still shop in the Juniors Section at Nordstrom; and Mia . . . well, bitch is still on my list. And away we go.
Brian Boyer - He needs new hair immediately. And damn, kiddies. When he slammed himself into the hard concrete for Cat? That shit looked like it hurt. He was ridiculous at his style. That one move that looked like he kind of pressed up into a planche with his legs in a vee? And then he turned it around? How did he do that? He’s a sick b-boy. And I loved that once he got put through to choreo, he went out into the hallway and grabbed someone to help him prep for Anya and Pasha. The judges were right to make him do choreography, and he was right for recognizing that he wasn’t ready for it. And vowing to do what? That’s right! Practice, y’all. Awww, good boy. Noodles, I hope he does come back. I like that little skunk hair kid.
Tristie/Bad Luck Magnet – She was very unfortunate looking. I sincerely hope that face is the result of extensive reconstructive surgery after her many accidents, because if she just looks like that . . . well, that’s just sad for her. Oy. She sucks as a dancer. I was embarrassed for her and her busted face. Why did we need to watch that? And on a side note, the judges were much nicer to her than she deserved. I mean, honestly. Half of those pictures looked like nothing more than fender benders. It’s not like they had to rescue her with the Jaws of Life.
Haley Cloud – Pretty girl, but kittens didn’t you know from the minute she came on the screen that she would be a hair flinging nightmare? There was way too much gymnastics in what was ostensibly a dance routine, but she just might have some decent technique and lovely lines hiding under all that competition crap. She’s surely a cutie. And she has a giant rack. That should take her far if she’s actually lucky enough to make the show. I predict that Vegas week will break her, but that might be just what she needs to get rid of some of the mannered Studio 101 dancing she’s put on display.
Megan Kinney – Oh, look. Haley has a partner in hair flinging nonsense. Darlings, did we really need to see Caitlin’s sister back again. I suppose she’s better this year than she was last year, but there’s still way too much hair flinging and reaching out to nowhere and leg extensions just because the leg is there and it extends, no? She’s boring. And the Muppet hair must go. Eh. She doesn’t sparkle like her sister did.
And then we had a montage of contemporary, cookie cutter female dancers, one of whom appeared to be a contortionist. Bland. Blah. Don’t care.
And then we had a stripper. Joy. Noodles, I just can’t. Arianna Rowley was a travesty with her big moon face made up like Bozo the Clown, and she wasn’t even good enough to make the 2:00 am – noon shift at your local Playa’s Club. Nigel put her through because he can’t not be a perv and Mia put her through just to fuck with her. And now I’m so terribly bored, and Arianna has made me have to deal with the fact that all the ladies in Salt Lake City appear to apply their make up with trowels and why, Utah? Just, why? Clown is not a good luck. Trust that this is so.
Ivetta Likushuko – She’s so Russian. She so Strictly Ballroom. Oh my god. I am in looooove with her. I would pay folding money to hear her call Nigel and Mary “Moose and Squirrel.” And look at that body, kittens. I mean, come on. She was marvelous, maybe not as magical as Mary and Mia made out, but pretty damn good. But she’s 29 and looks every inch of it, no? I’m not really seeing her on the show. Are you, noodles?
Day Two
Pascal – Is this what passes for entertainment now on this show? Darlings, I’m so disappointed. The only redeeming factor of this entire “audition” was seeing Mary imitating this kid’s praise dancing foolywangery. That and the fact that Mary used the phrase “conniption fit”, which phrase I had only ever heard my grandmother say prior to last night and only serves to reconfirm that Mary is a million years old.
Ashley and Ryan Di Lello – He was amazing and she was just OK. As the judges noted, she didn’t pop at all. I would say that was true in both their audition piece and in the snippet we saw of her choreography round performance. And btw, that was the most useless put through to choreography ever. They are Latin Ballroom specialists so let’s make them do the choreo round which is . . . Latin Ballroom. Jigga what? The clearly were high on him and not sold on her, so at the very least, I expected the judges to put him straight through to Vegas and send her to choreo. But nope. I think Mia and Marry just wanted to ogle Ryan some more, which I heartily approve of. I think he has a decent chance to make the show, and I’d be quite happy if he did because . . . pretty. She’s iffy. Maybe she has more to offer than what was on display.
Leigh Asay and Josh Murillo – Tom Delay performed with a stress facture in both feet, so just suck it up, Mia and Mary. You can’t tell me that they’ve never seen a dancer whose toenail has come off. Hell my toenails have come off from dancing and I’m not even a professional. Darlings, ain’t no way that this girl should’ve gone through to Vegas. You know it and I know it and the judges know it and Brigham Young knows it. This was a pure pity ticket. Toenail girl and her partner looked like highly skilled amateurs. They have the basic steps down, but they lack fluidity. They would get destroyed in an open level ballroom competition. But, eh. As I often say, kiddies, Vegas Week needs her red shirts, and she should fit the bill nicely. Oh, and partner boy? Well, it sucks to be you. Next time, work up on some blood, I suppose.
I think that’s it. If that’s not it, well, that’s gonna be it, because mama is exhausted. Tomorrow, off to the desert paradise. And Boomkat! Yay, Boomkat! I love Laurie Anne Gibson more than life. And Laurie Anne and Debbie Allen in the same theater? Awww, yeah. So close to the start of the show. Thank the gods they don’t drag this shit out AI style. I doubt I’d make it.
Noodles, Salt Lake may have opened up with the adorable Cat Deeley still rocking the Marcia Brady, super straight, center part hair, but it can’t fool me. It is a hot bed of white ‘n crazy. And since it’s late and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints always gets my dander up, let’s jump right in and discuss who was hot enough to require a pair of magic chastity panties and who was more unclean than Negroes and caffeinated beverages, shall we?
Day One
Nigel’s dressed like the Good Humor Man; Mary continues to pretend like she can still shop in the Juniors Section at Nordstrom; and Mia . . . well, bitch is still on my list. And away we go.
Brian Boyer - He needs new hair immediately. And damn, kiddies. When he slammed himself into the hard concrete for Cat? That shit looked like it hurt. He was ridiculous at his style. That one move that looked like he kind of pressed up into a planche with his legs in a vee? And then he turned it around? How did he do that? He’s a sick b-boy. And I loved that once he got put through to choreo, he went out into the hallway and grabbed someone to help him prep for Anya and Pasha. The judges were right to make him do choreography, and he was right for recognizing that he wasn’t ready for it. And vowing to do what? That’s right! Practice, y’all. Awww, good boy. Noodles, I hope he does come back. I like that little skunk hair kid.
Tristie/Bad Luck Magnet – She was very unfortunate looking. I sincerely hope that face is the result of extensive reconstructive surgery after her many accidents, because if she just looks like that . . . well, that’s just sad for her. Oy. She sucks as a dancer. I was embarrassed for her and her busted face. Why did we need to watch that? And on a side note, the judges were much nicer to her than she deserved. I mean, honestly. Half of those pictures looked like nothing more than fender benders. It’s not like they had to rescue her with the Jaws of Life.
Haley Cloud – Pretty girl, but kittens didn’t you know from the minute she came on the screen that she would be a hair flinging nightmare? There was way too much gymnastics in what was ostensibly a dance routine, but she just might have some decent technique and lovely lines hiding under all that competition crap. She’s surely a cutie. And she has a giant rack. That should take her far if she’s actually lucky enough to make the show. I predict that Vegas week will break her, but that might be just what she needs to get rid of some of the mannered Studio 101 dancing she’s put on display.
Megan Kinney – Oh, look. Haley has a partner in hair flinging nonsense. Darlings, did we really need to see Caitlin’s sister back again. I suppose she’s better this year than she was last year, but there’s still way too much hair flinging and reaching out to nowhere and leg extensions just because the leg is there and it extends, no? She’s boring. And the Muppet hair must go. Eh. She doesn’t sparkle like her sister did.
And then we had a montage of contemporary, cookie cutter female dancers, one of whom appeared to be a contortionist. Bland. Blah. Don’t care.
And then we had a stripper. Joy. Noodles, I just can’t. Arianna Rowley was a travesty with her big moon face made up like Bozo the Clown, and she wasn’t even good enough to make the 2:00 am – noon shift at your local Playa’s Club. Nigel put her through because he can’t not be a perv and Mia put her through just to fuck with her. And now I’m so terribly bored, and Arianna has made me have to deal with the fact that all the ladies in Salt Lake City appear to apply their make up with trowels and why, Utah? Just, why? Clown is not a good luck. Trust that this is so.
Ivetta Likushuko – She’s so Russian. She so Strictly Ballroom. Oh my god. I am in looooove with her. I would pay folding money to hear her call Nigel and Mary “Moose and Squirrel.” And look at that body, kittens. I mean, come on. She was marvelous, maybe not as magical as Mary and Mia made out, but pretty damn good. But she’s 29 and looks every inch of it, no? I’m not really seeing her on the show. Are you, noodles?
Day Two
Pascal – Is this what passes for entertainment now on this show? Darlings, I’m so disappointed. The only redeeming factor of this entire “audition” was seeing Mary imitating this kid’s praise dancing foolywangery. That and the fact that Mary used the phrase “conniption fit”, which phrase I had only ever heard my grandmother say prior to last night and only serves to reconfirm that Mary is a million years old.
Ashley and Ryan Di Lello – He was amazing and she was just OK. As the judges noted, she didn’t pop at all. I would say that was true in both their audition piece and in the snippet we saw of her choreography round performance. And btw, that was the most useless put through to choreography ever. They are Latin Ballroom specialists so let’s make them do the choreo round which is . . . Latin Ballroom. Jigga what? The clearly were high on him and not sold on her, so at the very least, I expected the judges to put him straight through to Vegas and send her to choreo. But nope. I think Mia and Marry just wanted to ogle Ryan some more, which I heartily approve of. I think he has a decent chance to make the show, and I’d be quite happy if he did because . . . pretty. She’s iffy. Maybe she has more to offer than what was on display.
Leigh Asay and Josh Murillo – Tom Delay performed with a stress facture in both feet, so just suck it up, Mia and Mary. You can’t tell me that they’ve never seen a dancer whose toenail has come off. Hell my toenails have come off from dancing and I’m not even a professional. Darlings, ain’t no way that this girl should’ve gone through to Vegas. You know it and I know it and the judges know it and Brigham Young knows it. This was a pure pity ticket. Toenail girl and her partner looked like highly skilled amateurs. They have the basic steps down, but they lack fluidity. They would get destroyed in an open level ballroom competition. But, eh. As I often say, kiddies, Vegas Week needs her red shirts, and she should fit the bill nicely. Oh, and partner boy? Well, it sucks to be you. Next time, work up on some blood, I suppose.
I think that’s it. If that’s not it, well, that’s gonna be it, because mama is exhausted. Tomorrow, off to the desert paradise. And Boomkat! Yay, Boomkat! I love Laurie Anne Gibson more than life. And Laurie Anne and Debbie Allen in the same theater? Awww, yeah. So close to the start of the show. Thank the gods they don’t drag this shit out AI style. I doubt I’d make it.
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