SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep1 Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

Cat is wearing her formal toga tonight made with the good satin bed sheets, so you know shit is about to get real, darlings! Let’s get excited.

I was worried. After a brief late summer of apathy over ABDC, I wondered if I’d be up for the return of our beloved show for its sixth season. Noodles, I couldn’t even get motivated to write about last week’s Top 15 SYTYCDances of all time according to Nigel “I’m so awesome my show cures cancer!” Lythgoe and that with my outrage at no Blake from S1. Jigga what? Maybe my snark was all used up?

And then tonight, bam, Mary comes out dressed like the greeter at the Happy Hooker Retirement Village and oh, look! There it is! But there really wasn’t too much to snark about tonight, was there, kiddies? Lots of good talent on display. Nigel was on his best behavior, letting Shankdaddy do homophobia duty. (What? Gay on gay homophobia is still homophobia. You can’t fool me show) Anya and Pasha were choreographing for the lucky losers’ round. There was less Kasprzak pimping than I feared and fewer joke auditions in this lean, one hour season kick off. Care to join me in the shallow end of the dance pool? The water’s fine.

Day One

Cole – And just like that, we get to the laughable exception that proves the rule. Obviously, this idiot just wanted to get on TV. Which he did. Watching the judges openly mock this fool was mildly amusing, especially because he was so clearly in on the joke. Hell, he was the joke, no? But honestly, I could’ve seen more than a second of Daniel the ballet boy in lieu of this crap. Next.

Molly Gray – Pretty little girl. Very HSM. But darlings, in her intro clip, was she wearing a powder blue, off the shoulder, ruffled romper? Oh, Utah. Really? She had some really lovely moments in that audition. There was one particularly nice triple turn. But Nigel was on the money here. She lacks any depth to her dancing. Mary was right, too. She’s an immature dancer. But there is good raw material there. She could grow and she’s quite likeable, so she could go far if she actually winds up making top 20.

Montage ‘o Pretty Dancers, Part 1 – Two of these, I loved, noodles, and one appeared to be a hair flinging nightmare. Shall I let you guess who’s who? David H., Amanda Kirby, Brandon Dumlao. Give up yet? Sigh. Amanda Kirby, you may have some decent technique hiding under those competition tics and all that hair flinging, but I honestly couldn’t tell. David H. was gorgeous. I would like some more of that. Brandon showed some interesting movement from the three seconds or so we saw. I’ll be excited to see two of these three again.

Kittens, here’s where I confess that I don’t want to see either Ryan K. or Bianca on the show this year, and it’s not because I think either of them is a bad dancer. Let’s be real. That tap battle was ridiculous. It was, as Shankdaddy noted, the most fun audition of the night by a country mile. And while I didn’t like Ryan’s solo audition (Side note: I didn’t like it when Will did a semi-spoken word piece for his audition either. This is not So You Think You Can Be a Performance Artist), the boy can tap his behind off. And if memory serves and history teaches, he is a more versatile dancer than was his brother. That said, Ryan’s tenure on the show, should he make it, will just be an opportunity to re-fight the Evan wars, much as Lacey’s time on the show was Love It or Hate It: Benji Wars II, despite the fact that Lacey was a 100% better dancer than her brother. Just let Ryan choreograph already. He will turn it out. Now Bianca. Bianca, Bianca, Bianca. She thinks her shit doesn’t stink, kiddies. She oozes entitlement. Her call out of Ryan was too cute by half, and clearly they knew they were going to do it from the jump. And I still have a bad taste in my mouth from her exit from the show last season. The bitch has ugly ways, and that will tell over the course of a long season. She’s a great dancer, very talented, but she will not be America’s favorite dancer. Trust that this is so. Given that, I’d rather have someone new.

Delusional Small Asian Man – God love the gays. Christopher Aguilar, you are fabulous. I have no doubt that your entire life is a starring role in the Flower Drum Song in your mind. Normally, I deplore joke auditions, but I must, must love you as much as the judges did. Shankdaddy was so cute with him. They love musicals and dancing in a very similar way, I suspect, only Shankman is actually talented and Christopher here, well, check the lead in. Still, he was fun.

Day Two

Mary’s day two dress was much better. And is it just me, or is the weave a little less “LOOK AT ME” this season, kiddies? I miss the kankelon.

Amber Williams – I am sensing a theme for this season and I don’t like it. I don’t care about Brokeback Mama. She’s in a wheelchair and it’s hard and you had to stop dancing for a minute and let me wipe away the tears with my plastic hand, OK? Can you dance? Just show and prove. Show and prove. I will not be pleased if these sob stories continue apace. Oh, the girl, you say? The girl’s fine, I guess. Lovely turn with the drop to the floor, as Mary pointed out. And she was nicely light on her feet, not a heavy dancer. She just lacks oomph. Eh. I don’t quibble with the pass to Vegas, but I’d be surprised to see her among the top 10 girls.

Montage o’ Pretty Dancers, Part 2 – This one hit it out of the park, noodles. Alexie is a dynamo. I definitely will have my eye out for her. Very interesting movement vocabulary. And Paula van Oppen. Ye, gods! I will dream of Paula and her pretty yellow dress. That girl is a force. So grounded, really dancing down into the floor and yet her dancing had a light, effortless quality. Oh, this one is a find, kittens. Paula van Oppen. She is one to watch.

Christina Santana – Sexy girl. Spins like a top. Her body is en fuego. Nigel wants to do her. Therefore, she’s in. I guess it doesn’t matter that the hip hop flavor was insanely wrong. Wrong on every level. And that she’s not all that great as a salsa dancer. She had to come to a complete stop between some of her moves. No flow. Eh. We need our redshirts for Vegas, I guess.

Phillip Attamore – Now this is what I’m talking about. If we must have a tapper, let it be this one. This kid was dynamite. Such a smooth style. And he wasn’t aping other tappers; he was drawing on tap traditions to make something uniquely his own. Oh also, hot as hell, noodles. Yum.

Is that all? Awww. I want to see that screaming black kid right now. He looks like fun. Until next week, kittens. We’re off to a smashing start.