SYTYCD S10 Top 20 Reveal: X Marks the Spot

Darlings, the X sign all the little Season 10ers are doing is better than the S4 shoulder thing but not by much. Why do you need a hand signal, children? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Think on it.

In brighter news, it’s Hollywood. And Cat Deeley, is dressed in a sparkly, three quarter length sleeve romper? Uh oh. Cat is dressed like a crazy person. I have a bad feeling about tonight. We did get a Boogie Nights reference out of it, though, so it’s not all bad.

Mary, Nigel and Shankdaddy on tonight’s judges panel. Eh, you could do worse, except for Nigel is already full of shit spouting off about how this is the first time that you are bringing folks who maybe can’t cut it into the top 20 *cough*Cedric*cough*

Reveals and Opening Performances

And away we go . . .

Fik Shun – Obviously, he’s in. They never start with a boot. He’s still such a cutie in his short sleeved striped hoodie. He looks like he’s 9. Woah. What is up with Mia’s hair? And why is she on the top 20 panel when she wasn’t in Vegas at all? That’s odd.

Mini-Chbeeb (Emilio?) - In. I didn’t even know he had a name and now he’s gone. He’ll always be Mini-Chbeeb to me. That’s two dancers lost to car accidents this season (if you count Hampton/Exorcist). Not to dancers – learn how to take the bus.

Markus Shields – I don’t even remember him from the first time he tried out. That doesn’t bode well. Side note: Mary is way too blonde. Back on topic: And like I thought, he’s cut. Again. That’s gotta be tough. Poor noodle.

Mariah Spears – Utah Krumper. Dear show, we did not first meet Mariah in Austin. Liars. Some of us remember how you should have put her in your top 20 last year. Thank you, me. Y’all, she’s nuts. I am gonna pull for her like nobody’s business. And what was Twitch on about? Um, Comfort, Donyelle and Sarah would beg to differ from you, Twitch, on the fact that there haven’t been many successful female hip hoppers on SYTYCD. Damn.

Fik Shun/ Mariah/Hip Hop/Ball/TI – Luther Brown is the choreographer. Thank heavens for no NappyTab. And they’ve got Fik Shun in as hip hop even though earlier they’d been billing him as yet another animator. OK. That means they’re definitely going to take both Jade and Blueprint. As for the routine, OMG, I’ve watched it three times already. Sick. Let me tell ya that Utah Krumper at nothing to fuck with. She’s so serious. These two brought oceans of attitude and swag. I loved that put my make up on bounce with it move. And the little booty pops into the “Where they at?” moves. And just the slow walk and then down to the floor and then shooting baskets while dropping on the knees. That was wild. I want to watch this routine a million times more and learn this routine. And then do this routine. And then watch it again. What I’m saying is that this routine was everything and, I swear, Mariah was fire. She’s got the attitude and the swagger and all that. I agreed with Nigel here that Mariah outdanced Fik Shun I watched her more than I was watching him. He’s good but he needs to step more out of his shell. In addition to being way too blonde, Mary looks like she got lost on the way to the Once Upon a Time set. It’s so distracting. I agree with Adam that the routine wasn’t busy busy overstuffed like so many hip hop numbers on this show are. I think that had a lot to do with the fact that these two can actually dance hip hop so they didn’t need a lot of distractions. But that meant a lot of the good stuff in the routine rested on the style each dancer brought to it and Mariah was just giving it to me more. Still, good start to the night and to hip hop this season. If I can get it like that all season, I’ll be a happy camper.

Mackenzie – Don’t remember her at all. She seems kinda generic and a little Gumby legged. Reminds me of Ryan and that is not a good thing. But she seems to have been a favorite, so I guess she’s in? Yep. OK, there are always a couple red shirts that pop up.

Jasmine Harper – Clearly in. And no mention of Cyrus. Nice

Ryan Johnson – Never saw him so he must be gone. And the hair is nothing nice. I’m sure that didn’t help.

Lots of no name contempo girls. Won’t miss ‘em.

Tucker and Nico – I was not a fan of Nico after we saw his very first audition. So frantic. Hope he did better in Vegas. Tucker, I still love. The hair is killing me, though. Killing me. He’s heaven as a dancer but the look is tragic. Seems like they’ll take both and then set them up against each other throughout the season. They do enjoy that.

Jasmine/Mackenzie/Tucker/Nico/Contemporary/Goes On and On – Stacey is very hit or miss for me and of these four I only am really in love with Tucker so far, so let’s see if they can bring it like it should be brought. So the first 16 counts or so of this dance really were not grabbing me. It felt kind of slumpy, grabby muddled contemporary and then all of a sudden with Jasmine’s first lift these fools all started turning it out. And then it was amazing. They were really well synchronized for the amount of time I know they have to work on their routines. Nico is still frantic for me. Throwing his energy everywhere. In one of the lifts, Jasmine had a weird foot thing where I wasn’t sure if she was supposed to be flexed or not and if it’s intentional, I should know. But overall, they all had lovely technique. Good turns, good centers. Nice grounded plies. Solid partnering from all four. As Mary said, there were beautiful transitions in this routine. I didn’t disagree with Shankdaddy’s critiques and I’m so glad he gave some. Even great performers can get better. I loved his admonition to Nico to dance more from his back. I think it’s partly because he throws his moves away. More control would be nice. They all made impressions. I already love Tucker a little bit more now that he’s had a haircut. And no mention of Cyrus again with Jasmine. Well done, show.

Wow. I feel like we are two for two on routines so far. That bodes well.

Alexis – I enjoyed this tap girl. She was the one with weird upper body stiffness during her initial audition, but I remember seeing a teensy snippet of her in Vegas and she seemed to be coping quite well. Twitch is a terrible psych out practitioner.

Curtis – Such a cutie pie and he had the emotional break through with Stacey so he’s in. For real for real. Ah. I could just eat him up.

Aaron – He is also adorable. Wish we’d seen more of him. I love that he wants to be an All Star. Dream big, baby. You gotta make the show first, though. Ouch. Ouch. It’s gotta sting to get cut like that twice in a row.

And now he’s back. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Joy throughout the land! Mini-Chbeeb’folly is Aaron’s fortune. Well, now I’m smiling even before the routine starts.

Aaron/Alexis/Curtis/Tap/You Really Did It/Jason Mraz - Anthony Marjorato(?) is the choreographer. Don’t know him but as long as it’s not Nigel, I’m good. So, wow. I really liked that. I know next to nothing about tap technique, but it was loads of fun. And Alexis had beautiful turns and she was doing triples in tap shoes so props to that. In fact, I found her to be drawing my eye the most in both the fluid and the more staccato moments. Loved whatever the gliding stuff was that they did on those little wooden mats on the floor. That was super cool. Aaron’s solo reminded me of Gregory Hines. And Curtis remains adorable, although to me his work looked the most unfinished and juvenile of the group. On the whole, I was wildly entertained.  Three for three. I’m getting excited. Ha! The choreographer was the Pugsley looking dude sitting between Stacey and Christopher Scott. Never would have guessed. The judges were totally useless here except Nigel. I know you don’t know much about the style, Mary, but “Tap on”? Really?

Jade and Blueprint – I just don’t think that someone who has been shown to struggle in other styles as much as Jade seemed to in Vegas should go through. And I’m on record as saying that Blueprint just is missing a little bit of that spark for me. Aaaaaannnddd, there’s the Cyrus reference. Blech. See? The judges see what I see. There’s some performance quality missing in Blueprint. He’s very talented, but there’s a quality I want to see that I’m not seeing yet. And wow, Jade is a teeny man. I was not knowing. Much better fake out effort from Twitch this time around. Quick learner.

Blueprint/Jade/Hip Hop/Trigger/Kezwik -. Christopher Scott. Yes! Still no NappyTab. Awesome. So, I really got into the routine. As Mary mentioned, the hat thing was amazeballs. I really think Blueprint is a lot better animator than is Jade. I don’t want to sound height-ist, but the movement just sits better on his longer limbs. Jade looked a little bit frenetic in his one solo section before he tossed back to Blueprint. I think both of them have severe limitations. Despite what Mia says, Jade’s height will be an issue when it comes to partnering. They’re going to have to choreograph around him and that’s never fun. I think he may be the shortest contestant that they’ve ever had. Even teenier than Evan. And Blueprint continues to be dead in the face which suits his style of hip hop where you are trying to be robotic and kind of like a mannequin or a statue come to life. It’s not going to be fine in a contemporary or a Broadway piece, for example, which are very much about inhabiting the emotions of the dance. Or a ballroom piece where pulling faces is de riguer. Or really any piece which is not animator style hip hop. Huh. We’ll see. Just on its own as a piece of dance, though, I enjoyed the routine and we are now four for four on the night with Mia up to bat next. Awww, sookie sookie now.

Carlos Garlan – I don’t remember this kid. He looks like a busted Cheon. And busted Cheon is in. He seemed good in the two seconds I saw of him, but his personality is wearing me out already. Don’t offer up a massage and a scratch. That’s just weird.

David Lorenzo – Don’t know you, squeaky voice. Bye bye.

Haley Erbert – The girl they tried to sell as overly sexy who was actually just good during the city auditions. Ah, yes. I recall. They didn’t show her at all in Vegas. Oh, little mouse. Timid will not cut it on this show. Embrace the fierce. At least, she’s gorgeous. Wow.

Malece Miller – Oh, please. She was in the minute she stepped on the stage the very first time. Yuck. What is she wearing? I dislike her so, so much. Stop crying, you pixie fool. You’re going down early like many a Chosen One before you.

Hayley/Carlos/Malece/Contemporary/Stay/Rihanna – Mia Michaels. Well, I’m kind of over this song and the Mad Men style costumes and I’m already annoyed with two of these three dancers so these kids have a lot to overcome if they are going to win me over. Let’s see what they got. Oh for pity’s sake! I could not have hated that routine more. I can’t even comment on the dancing, such as it was, because it was mainly a lot of flail-y over emoting and messing about on living room furniture. I just…eww. No. I don’t understand what they were doing. I saw Carlos do a few accro tricks on the Twister style rug and pick both girls up a few times. Hayley seems like she has good toe point? Yeah, I got nothing. I’d have to watch it again to tell if there was any detectable dancing in that dancing and I don’t wanna watch it again. And clearly, Nigel is trying to de-pimp Malece after the ridiculous fluffing she’s gotten thus far. Won’t work though because she’s not good enough. Shankdaddy hates all of them. Ha! I guess every season needs its sacrificial lambs. Now I’m gonna drop some math on ya. Prop Mia < prop Mandy. Stick with what you know, Mia. And cut your hair. It looks like a bad weave.

Britney and Serge – Did we see them in LA? I don’t think so. Serge has auditioned before, no? She’s in, he’s out. Huh. I would’ve guessed the flip. She seems like a Jenna clone and Jenna is better.

Jenna Johnson – Firecracker. Gotta be in. So crazy that there were three sisters. If she makes the finale, they could do a trio.

Paul Kamyria – He was the winner of some other SYTYCD, no? What if he just goes around the world entering local versions of SYTYCD? Watch out, SYTYCD Canada. You’re next.

Gene and Alan Bersten – Ugh, the brother vs. brother Even and Gene Kasparzak situation again? Give it a rest. Cat is seriously the best in the business. So sweet with those boys. I would do a lot for a hug from her. Awww, both of these kids were really good. I’d take either one over Jade. And they take what appears to be the younger one. Gene has auditioned a couple times already and now he’s married with a kid. I wonder if he’ll come back.

Alan/Britney/Jenna/Paul/Samba/Wings/Little Mix - Louis Van Amstel. Well, the show is really pulling out the big choreographer guns tonight. Samba rolls, beeyotches. I thought the choreo here was really tough. Louis did not hold back. Alan was a stronger presence than Paul. He looked more masculine. He was a more commanding lead. It was odd because for the girls, even though I prefer Jenna, I felt like she was a step behind the beat pretty much the whole routine which threw a lot of the side by side partner work off because it wasn’t perfectly synchronized, but I don’t know, maybe Paul and Britney were just fast? Either way, somebody was like a half step off. That said, they all had great hip action, good, fast feet. The ladies had nice legs and nice extension. Very supple backs on all four in the samba rolls. I enjoyed it. None of them blew me away, but it served to wipe the bad taste out of my mouth after that Mia routine.

Six girls and two spots left. Really? That was cruel. Yikes.

Amy Yakima – I love her. In, in, in. All the way live, this one.

Marisa/Tessa/Gabby – Don’t know you. Don’t care. Bye, now.

Meghan Branch vs. Jasmine Mason for the final slot – Hmmm. Curly haired girl they’ve been teasing all audition season and who was featured in the most loved group routine from Vegas week or no name, blonde contempo girl. Who will get in? Who will get in? This isn’t even worth my typing time.

Amy/Jasmine/Contemporary/Enjoy/Bjork – Sonya. And these two get a duet. Oh you fancy, huh? Alright, bring it ladies. Fierce as hell! I love me some dance warrior princesses. (Why Mary gotta copy me?)From the first little walk forward into the plies I was in. And then the arm motions, the little kick back and then the leg extension? So lovely. Everything was sharp as a knife. I adored turning stag leap down to the floor. I thought Jasmine brought more attack to the piece but Amy had that icy control which felt more . . . right. OK, so there is one moment of this routine that absolutely slayed me. Just after the girls did some assisted jumps and fun stuff, Amy did a cartwheel over Jasmine’s back and then they are both standing, looking off stage right. They pick one foot up, twist it around, plant that foot, hips swing around, torso swings around and they look stage left, hands on hips, deep contraction, shoulders raised. Kittens, just that little move was everything. I died. Ran it back and watched it like seventeen times. I am living for that move. I agree that when they went into the turn and jump sequence right after that Amy’s technique was stronger than Jasmine’s, but they were both great. I don’t know if the final moves in plié in second downstage were supposed to be synchronized but I kinda liked that they were not and they seemed like they were each doing variations on a theme. And the ending pose in that strong fourth position? Yup. That’s good stuff. Love both of them.

Group Routines

Boys Top 10 Group Routine/LXD Style/Christopher Scott/Sand/Nathan Lanier – Good choice of choreographer given the composition of this particular boys top 10. OK, so I loved, loved that routine. It was really creative and there was just a gorgeous flow to the whole thing. Christopher Scott only has one thing and it’s the LXD style thing but it’s a great thing so who’s complaining? Balanchine only had one thing, too, and look how well that worked out. Special shout outs to Nico and Tucker for turning it out in that contempo trio break out section (and totally outshining Carlos – sorry, booboo); to Gene for hanging in with those hip hop kids on some choreography that I imagine has got to feel completely outside his wheelhouse. He blended in a very good way but stood out enough for me to notice him. Hard to do. Props also to Aaron. In the Vegas snippets, he seemed to be handling himself in the hip hop choreo round, so I wasn’t surprised, but it was nice to see him work in this piece. Surprisingly, the three hip hop kids, Fik Shun, Jade and Blueprint, made the least impression on me during this performance. (Well, Paul and Curtis actually made the least impression on me. Were they even dancing? I feel like I didn’t see them at all) which leads me to believe that some of my worries about each of their limitations are more than well founded. I’m quite sure the show brought in Christopher Scott for this opening group number just to accommodate them and make sure that at least at first, they were shown to their best advantage and they didn’t deliver strong outings here. I did like the piece, although it’s not my favorite Christopher Scott piece ever on the show. Ha! They made Shankdaddy stand in between cut aways to the panel. He knows it wasn’t the best ever, either.

Girls Top 10 Group Routine/Jazz/Ray Leeper/Let’s Have a Kiki/Fanny Pack and District 78 - Oh, god. I guess they felt they needed someone new to ape Fosse since Tasty’s not choreographing tonight? Give me a break. Mmmph. I’m sorry. That looked like a Dance Team routine from some UDA National Dance Team Championships. Are we at the Milk House at Disneyworld in beautiful Orlando, FL? You’ve got a lot of good girls here and they can flat out work and this is what you do with them? Give them a lot of snapping and jazzy walks with hips jutted forward and awkward stripper moves? There was maybe one turn sequence towards the end which they pulled off rather well I must say (and Jasmine, other Jasmine, not Jasmine Mason, was ruling that center) but other than that, there was nothing especially challenging about that routine. Way too much posing and booty shaking. And the song was ridonk. It was like something Ru would make the queens lip synch to on Drag Race. Ugh. No. Ray Leeper, go sit over in the corner with Mia and think about what you’ve done.

Top 20 Group Routine/Jazz/Sonya/Ghost of Sky/Steed Lord – Oh, my. There was a lot of Cedric-ing in that routine, including entire eight counts where many dancers just flat out left the stage while others stayed and put in work. Gotta say, I’m not a fan of that strategy. Were Jade, Blueprint and Fik Shun even in the routine besides the beginning where they were all standing on stage practicing their The Matrix poses engulfed in smoke? (And WTF with all the smoke? When watching dance, you really need to be able to see people’s feet and legs. It’s kind of essential) And I could ask the same question about Paul and Curtis – I saw Aaron and Alan out there more than the others as they seem to have had some cross training. Most of the girls had moments in the actual choreographed pieces of the dance but girls tend to cross train more in a variety of styles anyway. I wasn’t feeling Sonya’s plan to basically choreograph a jazz piece for the “trained” dancers and sideline anyone who didn’t yet have the technique to keep up. Boo. Other choreographers have found a way to craft much more inclusive top 20 routines. But, you know, bravo ladies and contempo boys. Way to work.

I’m OK with this top 20, but there are definitely people I could happily lose.

Boys I’m excited about

Tucker

Fik Shun

Alan

Boys I could do without

Jade

Blueprint

Paul

Messy Middle

Aaron

Carlos

Nico

Curtis

Girls I’m excited About

Jasmine M.

Amy

Jenna

Mariah

Girls I could do without

Britney

Haley

Malece

Messy Middle

Other Jasmine

Alexis

Mackenzie

That seemed like a long two hours and I don’t usually say that about this show. Still, I’m excited for next week.

SYTYCD S10 Vegas Week The Realness

Vegas Week!! And welcome to the drama factory, some of which was real but most of which was really? My notes were totally scattered and I didn’t know half these kids, but here’s what came to me:

No Miss Debbie Allen on my Vegas Judges Panel – Not only no Miss Debbie Allen but also Jason Derulo, who last I checked was a singer not a dancer and…Hannah Simone. Dance Enthusiast? Oh, hell no! The quality of the judgery was greatly diminished and I blame a lot of the more egregious shenanigans, like sending home that gorgeous boy with the unfortunate stank face both while standing and dancing, on the absence of people like Miss Debbie Allen and even Mia and Tasty Oreo, who may be cliquish bitches, but they know their dance. Twitch is still too much of a fan right now to be a really effective judge. Shankdaddy ceased to give relevant critiques long ago. Mary only really cares about ballroom kids and untrained, street dancers and their stories and Nigel, well, we all know what he really cares about. Drama: Real or Really? Oh, all too real.

No Peanut choreographing my Contemporary round – I’m sorry, but Stacey Tookie is no Peanut. And Bow Wow Wow is no Mia no matter how much of a hard ass she tries to be – and we’ll get to the ridiculous dance all night debacle later. And I had Nappy Tab choreographing the hip hop round again despite the fact that they had Twitch right there doing not much more than cheerleading on the judges panel. Though I’ll give it to them that this routine looked more like actual hip hop than soggy, storytelling lyrical hop. Really, only Dmitri and Chelsea choreographing the ballroom round made me happy tonight. Drama: Real or Really? Real and sad. Come back, Peanut. Come back.

No Hampton/Exorcist and half the pretty Ailey type boys either just never showed up or got cut before the Green Mile – I hope Exorcist is alright and that he comes back yet again next season with lots of insider knowledge gleaned from his wife’s one day in Vegas. I am hot that of the 4 or 5 gorgeous boys we saw during audition rounds, many of whom looked like they could’ve given a young Desmond Richardson a run for his money, it looks like not one of them even made it to the contemporary round, let alone to the Green Mile. Mmmph. Drama: Real or Really? That’s real, real, real. We are not amused.

No sleep ‘til Jazz round – It is not a good idea to take lots of kids who, no matter how talented, are probably not accustomed to partnering and then set a piece on them with lots of partnering and then insist that they work on said piece into the wee hours of the night and then perform it in a high stakes audition the next morning powered by nothing but Coke and desperation. It’s even worse than to try to use an accident that occurs to one of Nigel’s pampered pet blondes as a result of DWF (dancing while fatigued) to smear what seemed to be a perfectly fine specimen of Eastern European ballroom man candy. Clearly, Armin didn’t drop blonde pixie cut on her head on purpose, but Mary acted like he was a villain of the highest order. Poor Armin. No wonder he looked so confused. Also, when dancers are learning new routines, especially with lifts, sometimes they fall. Sometimes they fall on their heads. Then they shake that shit off and get back to 5,6,7,8. Seriously, that pixie girl didn’t even fall that hard. And for that she needed a neck brace, a ride on a gurney and an overnight stay in the hospital? Please. Sack up, Pixie. I’ve seen kids on this show lose an entire toe and just keep dancing. Drama: Real or Really? Really? No, seriously. Really?

No shit talking during jazz rounds – Umm, Sydney? Is that your name? Come over here and let me holler at you. No. And ewww. And stank is not a good look on anybody. Buh-bye. Drama: Real or really? Well, real for her, I don’t know about anybody else.

Dance for your life Vegas rounds is stupid and pointless – So let’s see. You have a kid and he or she royally screws up choreo in a style not his or her own. In order to prove that he or she should stay you ask that person to dance for his or her life in his or her own style. Not, you know, to go away and practice and do that same choreo again in order to show that you can take critique and make corrections quickly and that you can actually master styles not your own. Has anyone ever been kicked out of Vegas after being given the opportunity to dance for his or her life? It’s in your own style! Of course, it’s going to be phenomenal! That’s why you’re there in the first place! For crying out loud. And then to add insult to injury, they decide to fulfill their You Got Served fantasies by having a dance battle where two animators enter and one animator leaves, except, oh, never mind. You know what? They both stay. Fucking Stacey Tookie, man. Definitely no Mia. Drama: Real or Really? Oh, it’s really alright. Really stupid.

The show is still not called So You Think You Can Choreograph – Group round, why do you exist? For no other reason than to cause manufactured drama as these kids will never, ever be asked to choreograph a group number should they make the show? OK. Drama: Real or Really? Do I even need to say it? Really? Whoops, there I said it.

And now to the kids. I’ll go in order of rounds since we had to see all of them last night. (Drama: Damn skippy real!)

Solo Rounds

It seemed like the only person they really focused on during this quest for the key round was Malece Miller. This would become a theme of the night. Anyway, blonde pixie cut worked my nerves all night long. I don’t know what the judges think they are seeing in her, but I see a whole lot of nothing all that special. The best part of her dancing appeared to be the tricks that she can do but since doing a back flip is not equivalent to dancing, eh. I was underwhelmed. It certainly wasn’t worth throwing Armin under the bus for this heifer. But Nigel does love a blonde and he also loves his pixie sprites so I fully expect her to make the show.

Of the other featured guests, Fik Shun turned it out, as we knew he would. The good thing about that is he seemingly continued to turn it out in every subsequent round but the group round (and really how much of that was his fault vs. how much was the fault of the dreckitude that was that choreography, but we’ll get to that) serving up fierceness in the hip hop and the jazz (I was super impressed!) and seeming to more than hold his own in contempo and not completely embarrass himself in ballroom. Well done, young man. You may be more of a Legacy than a Cedric and that’s a good thing.

Jeanine Mason was also in there tantalizing me as she montaged on by with her curly locks and her fierceness. I feel like we have yet to be given a really good eyeful of this girl and I can’t figure out why not. Maybe they are trying to do an Eliana style slow build, but apart from watching her destroy worlds in that first group number, she was hardly featured at all. And yet clearly, she’s phenomenal and stuck around long enough to make the Green Mile unlike, say, Jennifer Beals clone Jennifer Jones who was never all that to begin with. Bah.

The only other notable dancer featured during solos was Donovan Gibbs, who had been quite charming battling his studio owner dance dad during the early audition rounds but brought nothing to the stage but really unfortunate hair and Justin Bieber diaper pants (nee Hammer pants) and was swiftly sent packing. And deservedly so. Go cry into your diaper, sweetums, and bring it hard or stay home next time.

Hip Hop Round

Ugh. No one says “hype” anymore NappyTab. Not for a long, long time. Sigh. Those two make me tired. Soooo, the hip hop round happened and for the most part it was just used to show us that all these untrained street dancers, like Jade, can at least pick up choreography when said choreo is style adjacent to what they do on their own. I guess this was important in establishing some kind of reason for keeping Jade around after he kept fucking up round after round of choreo in other styles? I don’t know. As I mentioned, this did seem like more demanding than normal, harder hitting choreography from NappyTab, so there’s that.

And the round did produce one sheer delight by showcasing the mad swagger of two dancers who I wouldn’t have expected had much swag to give: Jenna Johnson and one Shan Shan Qiao Rothlisberger. What? These two were shutting it down in the best possible way. Shan Shan was shaky on some of the steps but she was giving me face and attitude and still vibing with the music even when it was clear she’d lost the steps and I was living for her. From dancing with bowls on your head to that? You go, Glen Coco. And Jenna was booty poppin’ like a pro. She should make a twerk video with all that ass. And she would continue to turn it out all night. This ballroom kid is a comer y’all. She could be another Janette with the right partner. Mini-Chbeeb, Fik Shun, and Mariah Spears (Utah krump girl) were also throwing down on this routine, but they should have done, so it was slightly less delightful)

Jazz round

Did I mention Fik Shun ate this routine’s lunch? And then drank its milkshake? Drank it up.  Amy Yakima was also there dominating your face. Like Shankdaddy, I have this girl firmly in my top 20. Gorgeous, gorgeous and legs for days. Extension out the wazoo has this one. Utah krumper and Jenna also put in work here. I’ll be shocked if all there of these ladies don’t make your girls top 10. So that’s seven spots up for grabs for these other hungry ladies to snap up and I can’t really call it other than that Malece will be there, though I continued to be spectacularly unimpressed with her in this jazz piece, so make that six spots open. Going fast, kittens. Get ‘em while they are hot. Armin was kind of a hot mess here and I could’ve understood losing him at this point, but not later after basically seeing him kill it in every other style. That’s some bullshit right there. And speaking of bullshit, Jade was tasked to do the first of what seemed like his 11 million dances for his life here, but honestly, we could’ve lost him to. The bitch can only do one style, his style, and I don’t want that on my TV screen week to week. We did lose some of my favorite dancers here, though, including Shan Shan and the Ailey boy with the unfortunate stank dance face. I hope she gets some training and comes back. And I hope he becomes a principal dancer with Ailey and rubs Nigel’s nose in it every day sending pictures and videos of himself performing at Lincoln Center and other famous venues along the way just to remind him of what he missed out on.

Ballroom

I love how much the ballroom alumni of this show stay on the grind. I think they are the most successful former contestants not named Twitch by far. All that to say, I was happy to see Dmitri and Chelsie taking a break from DwtS to choreograph this round. Jenna was fabulous here, of course, but I caught a fleeting glimpse of Blueprint from Dragon House in the montage and he looked like he was doing it to it, which I sincerely hope is true because I have a sneaking suspicion that Nigel and Co want all three animators (Blueprint, Jade and Fik Shun) to make the show this year so that they can crassly capitalize on Cyrus’ popularity. They really didn’t dwell on the ballroom round this year, which probably means that most people handled their business, so we will follow suit and keep it moving.

Group Round

Alan, Gene, Kayla, Jenna and Jeanine – AKA the super group. I didn’t find the Boston stuff all that compelling but the dance itself was beautifully choreographed and danced. I didn’t realize Gene had a brother (were they twins?) so that was a nice, if confusing, surprise. They can both shake a tail feather. Good genes (no pun intended).

Jasmine, Derek, Chritiane, Jarvis, Viktoria and Fik Shun (Facts with a Little Fik Shun) – So clearly, they blew their whole creative load on the name. The dance was a HAM. They were sloppy, never in sink, ugly, bad, ugh, wrong, eww, just go away now. As much as I enjoy Fik Shun, I probably wouldn’t have kept any of them around after that nightmare. It wasn’t so much the bad choreography as the fact that it was also really poorly executed. It’s sad when the answer to the title of this show’s question turns out to be a resounding, “No, you can’t.”

Jennifer (Jennifer Beals clone), Tucker (with yet more bad hair) Amy Yakima (the divine), Mariia (of Mariia and Misha) and Markus (whom I don’t know at all) – Oh my god. Russians. Maria was being a total whiny baby. Letting the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics down in a major way. The dance itself actually turned out rather well, all things considered. I thought Mariia looked like she was having a little meltdown during her one moment in the sun solo, but given what they were working with, strangé, kids.

Makenzie, Carlos, Carley, Sarah and Vitaly – So a whole bunch of no names we’ve barely even seen? Gee, I wonder how this will go. They were not even dancing on the same beats. I didn’t much enjoy Hannah on the panel, but just here she was giving the most perfect hot mess face. This was another send ‘em all home group for me, but since I don’t really know what the three who got saved can do, I’ll give the judges the benefit of the doubt.

Contemporary Round

Darlings, I’m tired. There is a reason why it’s a horrible idea to do all of Vegas week in just one night. Producers be trippin', yo.

This choreography was a little bit all over the place for me. I am not a fan of just having the kids free style the last 8 counts or so. That said, I found tapper Curtis charming and delightful and surprisingly supple and lithe in his extensions and his tearful breakdown post-dance was touching up to and including the Stacey Tookie embrace. Neither the Jennifer Beals clone nor Misha and Mariia were raising any hell here, so I can see why they all got sent home. Although I really will miss Moose and Squirrel. They were astonishingly good ballroom dancers. Know who I wouldn’t have missed? Jade? He’s not as charismatic as the show seems to think he is. And Blueprint was competent enough in this routine that you could smell the producer manipulated bullshit when he got asked to dance for his life in a dance off with Jade. Said dance off was all kinds of magic, but I couldn’t even enjoy it with my eyes rolled so far back into my head. If we saw more than a second of anybody else during this round, then I don’t remember it.

Beg for Your Life Round

I refuse. Sending Armin home right here was criminal, but you already knew that. They were clearly overstocked on the ballroom boys at this point anyway.

Based on who I saw left to go to the Green Mile, here’s who I’m expecting to see make the show and who amongst them gets a Real or a Really?

Girls Top 10 Predictions

Malece (Really?)

Jenna (Real)

Amy (Real)

Jeanine (Real)

Jasmine (Really? This will be pure Cyrus porn if she makes it)

Mariah (Real)

The other five spots are kind of a blur for me. I didn’t know enough about the rest of the girls to form a solid opinion. Was the tapper girl still in it? I caught a few seconds of her here and there where it looked like she might have been turning it out just a little, in which case, Nigel will not miss an occasion to get a tap kid into top 10.

Boys Top 10 Predictions

Fik Shun (Real)

Jade (Really?)

Blueprint (Really? Not that I don’t like him, it’s just – he lacks spark)

Tucker (Real)

Gene (Real. He’d have made it last time if not for all the cheese)

Curtis (Real)

And once again, for the remaining four spots, I really have no idea. Maybe Mini-Chbeeb? He seemed to be steaming through the choreo rounds quite nicely, although if he did make it and all the animators also got in, that would be 4 hip hop kids in the boys top 10. That’s more than they’ve ever had, I believe. And maybe more than the traffic can bear? I don’t know. I’d kind of like to see a season not completely dominated by contempo boys. And what about that light skinned tapper? I don’t really see how Nigel could resist.

That’s it. I’m done. I hope they never, never, ever turn Vegas Week into Vegas Two Hours ever again. And that’s 100% Real.

 

American Idol S10 Finals Ep1 Triskaidekaphobia

So clearly the hos and trannys decided to celebrate the start of the S10 Finals by going back on the pipe, no? JLo. Ay, mami. The lipstick? That shade of red? Perhaps a tad too bright? And Ryan? The suit? A little too short, tight, shiny? After all, we’re not Frau Klum-Seal, are we? Let’s think about that. And Steven Tyler? No sheer, see through anything. No. Noodles, in that blouse and those drugstore bifocals, I wouldn’t put it past Steven Tyler to be going through menopause and really have a need for that fan. Lauren A. still looks like 100 year old trailer trash and all the rest of the girls wore their prom dresses. Fashion carnage up on that stage. But enough of that, because these little famewhores were here to sing for our amusement. And were we amused, kittens? Well, given the non-theme theme of “Sing a song by your own personal Idol”, it could have been worse. Let’s see who shone and who succumbed to a bad case of triskaidekaphobia.


Liked the Song Choice, Liked the Performance:

Casey Abrams/With a Little Help From My Friends/Joe Cocker – Hmmm, I’m not sure I believe Joe Cocker is one of Casey’s personal Idols, but The Wonder Years story was very cute. Darlings, this was kind of an expected choice for him. I was pretty sure that he could turn this out. And damn. This kid just has a sweet, sweet tone to his voice. And he got the first pimp choir of the season. (It was more special before we know there’d be another one along in a few minutes, no? But we take the little victories where we can, noodles) He did a really nice job with that song. Not too shouty over the top. A few notes off key here and there, but much more controlled than his last outing. And he’s just got it. The what-it-is-ness. He’s the business, this kid. He’s the business. A rainbow of talent and a plethora of passion. Oh, Steven Tyler. Never ever change. And, kiddies, was that RyRy getting a dig in on Jenny? Guess there’s only room for one diva on this block.

Pia Toscano/All By Myself/Celine Dion – Getting the Coca Cola stools of pimp-dom interview? Darlings, she must’ve really gotten up there in the votes last week. And this girl really wants to establish herself as a belter, no? This song is no joke. Girly really believes she can bring it. (Side note: Why did the tranny’s staple that sad piece of cream fabric to her back?) She sounded really good here. She’s no Celine. Let’s be honest. But she has a pleasing tone. The first “anymore” kind of got away from her, but that gets away from everyone who is not Celine. And she did much, much better with the last “anymore”. All around, that was a good showing on a song that has swallowed lesser AI contestants whole. I’m impressed. Two weeks in a row she brings really solid vocals. I want her to not sing a ballad now. Don’t you, kiddies? And Steven Tyler totally busted out the show’s dirty little secret that they are not doing the show live this year by giving her props on International Women’s Day. Ha! (I hate that development, btw. Hate. Hate. Haaaattteeee! I’m so glad it will be gone next week)

James Durbin/Maybe I’m Amazed/Paul McCartney – I love this song but I loathe this kid. Caught on the horns of a dilemma, noodles. Truism: Wallet chain = Douche. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Other than that, he sounded not terrible. I find I enjoy him more when I don’t have to look at him. And the scream worked when he unleashed it strategically. That was lovely. I must give credit where it’s due. He was even less squinty this week. Of course, he ruined it all with the ridiculous audience antics. He has not earned the right to any of that yet. Such a douche. But a really pretty voice. Family, he’s truly a worthy successor to the Gokey throne.

Scotty McCreery/The River/Garth Brooks – Now here’s what you call a great song choice! Oh, my word, do I love this song. And I thought he would destroy it. And y’all, he did an OK job with this song. Nonetheless, I thought he’d actually crush it more than he did. He definitely got into the performance more when the band dropped out, but his voice lacked a little support. He couldn’t really get up there and power it through. It was good but not great. And absent continued amounts of crazy producer manipulation of the weekly themes, this is going to be the last week he can kind of rest in his comfort zone like he’s been doing. He’s going to have to do something different, so Randy’s whole don’t change it rant is ridiculous. Also, kiddies? I don’t even know what Steven Tyler said right here. Not even gonna front. It must’ve been stupid because it got a “Yeah, yeah, yeah” from the Dawg.

Performance Fine, Song Choice Questionable:

Lauren Alaina/Any Man of Mine/Shania Twain – I can believe that Shania is her personal Idol because she is 1700 years old but this was not the best song choice for her. This girl has a great voice and Shania doesn’t and all Shania songs are built around the fact that she can’t really sing. Especially the upbeat ones. I mean, kittens, I get why Lauren A. wanted to do something fun and upbeat, but Man . . . I Feel Like a Woman would’ve been a better choice. JLo and Steven Tyler basically told her that it was a lazy performance. And it was so, so true. She should be thanking the Baby Jesus that she’s been so relentlessly pimped all these weeks because going first and doing a sleepy rendition of a not great song can get your ass sent home in the Most. Shocking. Elimination. Ever. before you even know it. And who couldn’t have guessed that the Dawg would drop names and bring up Mutt Lange, who is a dirty cheater and it was so awkward and he basically said what JLo and Steven Tyler said better than him a minute before and good lord, why is he still here and still talking? And Lauren needs to quit with the Peaches and the pouty, baby faces and little girl voice immediately. That shit is going to turn America right off. Not a great start to the show, kiddies. Given that, it’s kind of amazing it turned out as well as it did.

Haley Reinhart/Blue/LeAnn Rhimes – Huh. I Wouldn’t have pegged LeAnn Rhimes as her personal Idol. Would you, darlings? And would you really want to choose a song by a noted home wrecker as your first impression on the AI stage? And it’s such a stylized choice. And I don’t think anyone had this one pegged as country. Despite all that, Haley did a damn fine job with this song. Paradoxically, I feel like all the vocal tics built into this song really helped rein her in a little bit and made her less of a note killer. That was another absolutely gorgeous performance. Wow. I don’t think she’s ever sung that well. Randy’s full of shit, as per usual darlings. That wasn’t boring. It’s fine to just stand there and sing the hell out of a song provided you can deliver. And she delivered.

Stefano Langone/Lately/Stevie Wonder – Polow Da Don. Again, I say wow. Big producers. Big names. Love this song. I had $5.00 that this version would be more Jodeci than Stevie and I have never been so happy to be wrong. Polow Da Don gave him a genius arrangement of this song. He knew Stefano doesn’t have a round enough tone to carry this song off if he’d tried to sing it as a straight ballad. It was a great decision to bring the song up tempo because it helped to hide the fact that his voice is a little thin. He could just ride the dance groove and show off the fact that he was really on key. He avoided getting compared to Stevie or Jodeci who are obviously better singers than he is. He definitely justified his wildcard. I don’t think he has the voice to go all the way in this competition, darlings, but he certainly has enough to make the tour which would be a really good result for him.

Song Choice Questionable, Performance Also Questionable:

Jacob Lusk/I Believe I Can Fly/R. Kelly – So he got the Coca Cola pimp-terview treatment as well. It was cute until Ry Ry got uncomfy with the wet room. Sigh. Noodles, this song choice was so expected. Cue pimp chorus in 3, 2, 1. As soon as they revealed that he’d be singing this classic from Space Jam, I knew there was about to be a festival of oversinging and gospel hand throwing up on that stage. I’m so tired of this one. So, the verse was beautiful. The key change into the chorus was so, so off. It sounded like ass. It got better when he was able to play off the totally predictable pimp chorus and really get into those falsetto glory notes. And of course it ended with the gospel hand. Of course it did. Just no. There’s nothing current about this kid. Family, if this were the early 90’s and MJ were still making movies, then maybe he could become a star. But who do you hear on the radio right now who’s sing music like this? Even on Urban Contemporary radio? Exactly. And thank god for Randy for calling this fool out on falling completely off the melody when he attempted the key change into the chorus because that shit was foul and JLo and Steven Tyler acted like it didn’t even happen. Dammit. The show keeps making me agree with Randy. Kittens, you know how angry that makes me.

Naima Adedapo/Umbrella/Rhianna – I do not get this as a song choice for her and ain’t no way in hell I buy that Rhianna is her musical Idol. What producer is up Rhianna’s ass? For real. Did she just sign with Interscope or something? Is Randy getting’ it in? Because they have been on her jock this season and I just . . . I’m struggling with it. Autotune Idol? She was dancing around the notes but mostly on pitch at the beginning. And the reggae break was just weird. You know, kiddies, she was just trying to do a little too much with all the dance breaks. She doesn’t have the breath control for all that just yet. I appreciate what she was going for, but she has yet to establish herself as a good enough singer for all that. The crowd booed him, but Steven Tyler was right. She had terrible pitch problems once she got winded. And JLo might want to discount that, but this is still a singing competition. You have to sing well to win. She has an adorable personality and her interview with Ryan was super cute. (She can overstand y’all!) But this was not a pimp slot worthy performance.

Everything Just Ass:

Ashthon Jones/When You Tell Me that You Love Me/Diana Ross –This girl is still not Miss Ross. And with so many great Diana songs, this is the one they go with? This song? Alright then. Somebody must want her to go home. And she was off from note one. Note one. She got closer to the pitch as she went along but as soon as she went for the big, power notes, she got sharp once again. And where was the high note that was higher than she’d ever sung? Darlings, I can’t believe they dug Berry Gordy away from his Sisyphean quest to remain relevant for that. It was boring and I was bored and it was not all that well sung. The judgery did their level best to try to make the most of their booty wildcard choice. Alright, I’m over it. Kittens, I revoke the what-it-is-ness. JLo looked sooo disappointed. We are, too, JLo. We are too.

Paul McDonald/Come Pick Me Up/Ryan Adams – This was one of the few picks that made sense as an inspiration. Noodles, right off the bat you could tell this was in the wrong key for him, no? Way too low. He was really scraping along the bottom of his lower register which made the nasally quality to his voice unpleasant rather than quirky. And the herky jerky dancing and the smile just looked uncomfortable rather than endearing because it was clear that he knew he was fucking it up right royally. Steven Tyler nailed it, in his own inimitable way, by calling that fool out on not putting the song in the right key. That’s some basic, basic shit right there. And when he tried to bust on JLo for not knowing Ryan Adams? Bitch, please. I’m sorry JLo is not cool enough for your school. Eww. Kittens, he did not come off well right there. But who came along to save the day? Why only the best reality show host in the business bar none. I loved Ryan cracking on his spastic dance moves. A mood lightener was needed and he provided. Ryan’s so good at his job, y’all.

Thia Megia/Smile/Michael Jackson – I don’t believe that MJ is really her Idol. I smell the SiNi all over this pick. And darlings, it was a horrible pick for her. She’s been doing nothing but pageant girl songs and she really needs to stop. It’s creepy. This performance was so, so boring. I just do not get this girl at all. She’s such a cipher. Was there any excitement? Pizazz? Would anyone be motivated to pick up a phone for that? Where’s Simon with his cracks about lounge singers and cruise ships when you need him? And the judges just refuse to bring it to this girl like it should be broughten. Kittens, it was not good. And she’s so robotic. Family, is this girl on drugs? Is she just a little slow? What is it? Why is she so low energy? I hate her. No, you know what? I don’t even care enough about her to hate her. She can go home any time now.

Karen Rodriguez/I Could Fall In Love/Selena – I get and believe that Karen loves Selena, but wow, I thought this was a horrible song choice for her. Way too much opportunity to take it to the pageant place. On this night, though, pageant was not what laid this girl low. No, right out the box, she was off. She was the poster child for pitchy. She was searching for the right note and just not finding it at all. Is she sick? Because she was much, much better than this last week. The low notes were painful and she was just under the pitch in general. Crazy vibrato all over the place. And no. No power in the part of the song that needed power. And she had no breath support so it got all screechy. JLo took it to the patented Paula “You look so beautiful” place, so you knew shit was about to get real. And then she basically had to break it down for the wannabe Lati-diva and tell her she sang like ass. Off on the low notes and off on the high notes, too. So that’s just off then? Noodles, everybody knows she’s a heartbeat away from going home tomorrow, right?

That’s a Wrap

All in all, not a bad night. Based on what we saw on the live to tape broadcast, here’s how I expect things to shake out:

Totally Safe:

Lauren, Casey, Pia, James, Jacob, Scotty

Likely Safe, But Ryan Will Fuck With Them Tomorrow:

Haley, Stefano Naima

Should Be In More Trouble Than I Think They Will Be:

Paul, Thia,

Will Likely Be In Danger Of Going Home Tomorrow:

Karen, Ashthon

Will Go:

Ashthon

Glambert on results night tomorrow?  Kittens, I won't even care if my predictions are wrong. 

American Idol S10 Semifinals Ep 3 Take a Look at Me Now

Blood on the Idol floor, Noodles! This Semi-finals Results night was brutal. Cut after cut after cut from the nattily dressed Ryan with not even a Ford Pimpmercial or a group sing pointy pose to provide some much needed relief. And then a million forced sing for your life moments only broken up by JLo warbling over the theme music to Lambada: The Forbidden Dance. That was highly stressful! And yet not, no? I mean, darlings, were there any shocks from amongst those pairings about who got through and who didn’t? Haley was a mild surprise, but most of the rounds, it was clear from the moment Ryan called the kids out to center stage who was going through and who was going home. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s a long way to go and a lot of filler to wade through before we get to your Top 13, so let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.


Family, this show has gotten so, so pretty. In fact, the concentrated pretty in the Idoldome was perhaps not even legal when you take into account Ryan and JLo and Julie Z. and Ashthon and Stefano and Naima and just oh, my! There was a lot of pretty up on that stage. Pretty dressed in crackho craziness which became apparent as the kids and the judges came out and oh my gosh what was JLo wearing? Kittens, black capri leggings are always a bad choice unless you are in a production of Grease. And I don’t even know what to say about the bustier. It’s like she took the remnants of her green Grammy dress and wrapped them around her torso and said good enough.

(Note: I need to take a break from my fashion run down because did Lauren A. just make the fucking heart hands? Oh, no she di’in’t. Lauren A., do not make me have to put you down now that I’ve finally made my peace with liking you)

Back to fashion. Why did Steven Tyler steal one of JLo’s blouses to wear on the show tonight?

OK, now we’re done with fashion. But not done with Steven Tyler. Darlings, why did he refuse to pick a better set of performances? Dude, you are a judge. Why do you think the show is paying you? To pick shit! So give it up. This is the first time this season that I missed the hell out of Simon.

And now we entered out million miles of fluff. Kittens, did you all watch last night? I watched, too. So let’s not with the performance recaps. Suffice it to say that the boys clip package was cute. The girls clip package was tragic. And Brett is the burnt rainbow cookie with frosting on top of my soul. Awwww, I’m going to miss that little red apple, kiddies. It’s amazing how he tore down my wall of pre-hate. I’m actually kind of glad that he didn’t make it on the show where his slow burn breakdown would have forced me all the way back around to hating him again.

Cry and Cut

Family, getting down to the Top 10 was predictable yet brutal, no? There were tears. Some of them were even mine. And to make the rejects just keep sitting on the uncomfortable silver stools all night long? Diabolical. Let’s go round by round and say a fond farewell to the famewhores who we love so much right now but won’t remember in a couple of weeks.

Boys Top 5

Scotty v. Robbie in Round One

Was anyone worried that Scotty would not be in the Top 10? No? Alright then. That was a waste of five minutes. But that Scotty McCreery is such a well mannered young man. The big head muppet? Not so much.

Clint v. Jordan v. Jovany in Round 2

This one was a little bit harder, as I was surprised that any of these fools might go through. If I had to choose from this group, I’d have gone with Junbug, who was about to have a serious breakdown y’all. And Jordan did the one nice thing in his entire life by giving him a little hug. But nobody would’ve voted for any of them had they made it into the Top 10. Well done, America.

Tim vs. Casey vs. Jacob in Round Three

And the gentleman continued to be boring. Kiddies, as soon as this trio came up to bat with only Scotty sitting over on the stools of safety, it became obvious Tim was going home and the other two were going through. No suspense at all on that one.

Brett v. Paul in Round Four

At this point, I felt like it had been going on forever. Alas, kittens, Brett o’ my heart was going home. Stay gold, little cookie. Stay gold.

Stefano vs. James in Round Five

Hello, temporary loss of my mancandy. And in favor of Tourette’s. Bitches. One and all.

Girls Top 5

Pia v. Lauren A. in Round One

Huh. They tried to fake us out (poorly) but it was obvious they were both going through. The SiNi’s manipulations were showing here.

Ta-Tynisa vs. Julie Z. in Round Two

Huh. Let’s just replay the Clint/Jordan/Jovany round, shall we? And noodles, Julie clearly didn’t learn anything from last night because she said she’d sing Breakaway again if she had the chance and just add guitar. Stupid girl. Thank god, she’s pretty.

Kendra v. Ashthon v. Karen in Round Three

My money was on Karen here, but I couldn’t be sure. Kittens, I saw a lot of “old fashioneds” out there on the internets plus Kendra went in to the lion’s den against Xtina and came out alive and Ashthon, well, yeah I got nothing. But what do I know? Apparently, I know a lot because Karen went through.

Naima vs. Thia v. Lauren T. in Round Four

And now we come to the only barn burner of the night. I wanted two out of the three to go through, but as soon as Naima went out first, I realized that the worst was going to come to pass. Poor Naima. Song choice will bite you in the ass every time. And kittens, can anybody please explain to me what the fuck is it with Thia? I just don’t. I mean, I can’t . I’m . . . no. Bite me, America.

Haley v. Rachel in Round Five

Haley making it through on America’s vote was kind of a shocker. But honestly, kittens, by this point, I was too numb to care.

America’s Top 5

Girls: Lauren A., Karen, Pia, Thia, Haley

Boys: Casey, Jacob, James, Scotty, Paul

And how was my batting average on my predictions, darlings? Well, I nailed the girls except Haley, who stole Lauren T.’s spot. And the boys? Well, I nailed that one, too. I had Brett in Jacob’s place. Let my heart get the better of my head on that one. Still and all, not bad.

Wildcard Performances

The judges wildcard picks? Impenetrable. Ashthon over Lauren T.? Jovany over Brett? Sigh.

Ashthon Jones/And I Am Telling You – Sorry, babe. You don’t have the voice for this song. You are the Dina, not the Effie. That was shouty and still not very good. And that last “me”? Yeah, she’s no JHud.

Stefano Langone/I Need You Know – Aw, my cupcake did so well. Good song choice. Very smart. He can do the low key, R&B crooner. And this song didn’t ask his voice to do some things that he can’t do. It took me half the song to realize it was a Jesus song but whatever. He brought the goods. Wildcard, party of one? Yes! He did the damn thing.

Kendra Chantelle/Georgia on My Mind – Good song choice again. But babydolls, oooh, she started way too low. She was scraping along the bottom of her register and it was not pleasant. It got better once she got up into her head voice on the chorus. Truth? She has a beautiful voice, but no real presence on that stage. She’s not a star. Pretty. Good voice. Not a star. Do I think she should have gone through over Ashthon? Duh. But objectively, do I think she should have gone through? Eh. Not really.

Jovany Barretto/Angel – Dammit, JLo. Nobody else wants to fuck this kid but you. We didn’t need to play a game of “Let’s listen to this fool be boring some more.” Hasn’t he noticed that Jon Secada is not a star these days? There’s a reason for that. And he was so pitchy and off and Karen already did the bilingual thing better than him the night before. And kittens, what was with the five o’ clock shadow/no mustache combo? Eww? Ha! JLo hated it. She couldn’t even mount a defense. What a wasted choice.

Naima Adedapo/For All We Know – I’m still pulling for this one, noodles, but on this song she was just off. Maybe a little flat. Sliding into some of those notes. It was just OK. Again. Some more. I’m sorry, kittens. I am no longer impressed with Miss Adedapo.

Robbie Rosen/Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word – Fuck me. The big headed muppet? Pulled it off. Great song. And he sounded really good. Darlings, by the time he was done, I believed this fool was going to get through. He put his foot in that song and he earned his ticket to the finals. Luckily, Idol, much like life, isn’t fair and thus we’re all spared having to look at this fool for the next seven hundred months.

JLo’s new video? I refuse.

And so we wound up with Ashthon (eww), Naima (OK), and Stefano (Yay!) to round up our Top 13. And that’s where we stand, kittens. Dice are rolling. The knives are out. I can’t see any way this doesn’t wind up some kind of Casey/Lauren A. death match, but America surprises me every season.

American Idol S10 Semifinals Ep2 Sing Out, Sister

So I started out a little bit concerned last night because right off the bat JLo was flashing way too much thigh in that disco ball sheath. And we won’t even discuss the bootaloons. Sigh. At least the hair was fabulous. And damn, y’all, she’s so, so pretty. When did she get so pretty? However, it seems that the inverse relationship between show quality and the level of cracktastic craziness unleashed by the wardrobe hos and the trannys in hair and make up lives on. Because though all the judgery looked . . . well, Steven Tyler’s hair is getting quite interesting as well, isn’t it? And Ry Ry needs to stop the skiing trips during the season. Goggle marks? Not cute. And as for the kids. Noodles, what is there to say. What were these ladies wearing? Just what? Why? Borron y cuento nuevo. For real. And yet, aside from a few unfortunate incidents, the ladies came to play. Can it even be disputed that the girls put their feet in those boys’ boot-ays? I think not darlings. Top 5 out of this group? Your guess is as good as mine. Let’s start with the missteps and build momentum from there.


It’s a Cross Between a Shriek and a Quiver or a Squeak

Ta-Tynisa Wilson/Only Girl – As soon as you saw her, didn’t you know she was going home tonight, kiddies? Why were we even watching her? And she chose to sing Rhi Rhi? Who cannot sing at all? And she sounded like shit! Like absolute shit. And the boobs were this close to a wardrobe malfunction. I just don’t even know what to do with that, kittens. Worse than Jordan’s OMG? I think maybe yes. Steven Tyler liked it be he was clearly just captivated by the boobs. And did JLo just say that it was a little shaky in the beginning? Understatement of the millennium. Did she hit any note on the front end of this song? Why is JLo lying to this girl? That would only ever move the crowd to the exits.

Rachel Zevita/Criminal – That’s just too easy. Oh well, this is the best she’s ever looked. There’s that right? (Miss you, Paula!) Where was Jimmy IV? I don’t think he would’ve let it go down like that.

Ashthon Jones/Love All Over Me – Umm, this is not the Howard University Homecoming Talent Show. And it was so shouty and wannabe diva and just tremendously awful that if it had been the Howard University Homecoming Talent Show, she would’ve been booed for her bad fashion and diva affectations and then Sandman would’ve showed up and shooed her off the stage. That was some next level awful. The judges just let her bluff her way through that performance because the vocal was not good. At all. She does, indeed, have something. I could still kind of see the whatitisness. But noodles, that performance was ass.

Julie Zorilla/Breakaway – Family, she is so, so pretty. She’s JLo pretty. And up until now, she’s been very smartly wending her way through this competition. This girl doesn’t have a stellar, blow you away voice. It’s pleasant and she has a nice tone. But what she does have by the bucket load is star quality. She captivates. And she had been able to choose songs that fit her voice and style. Had been. Because last night’s song choice was the definition of a tragic mistake. Idol Rule #1: You do not sing Kelly Clarkson. And you definitely don’t sing her badly. This song ate her lunch, y’all. She is not a belter. Why? Why would she pick this song? What a horrible, horrible song choice. And darlings, she knew it, too. She knew it. The judges knew it. Everybody in the audience knew it. Astronauts living on the International Space station knew it based on the sudden black cloud that descended over Los Angeles at the close of that song. Did you see Randy’s face? Ouch. She screwed the pooch and now she’s going home. Sad.

What I Lack In Pitch, I Sure Make Up In Power

Naima Adedapo/Summertime – Oh, no. No, baby, no. ‘Tasia owns Summertime on the Idol stage. When will they ever learn, kittens? There are so many great songs out there in the world. Why sing one that has previously been laid out on the Idol stage by a beloved former contestant? And the dress was insane. A gold doily wrapped in a table cloth wrapped in napkins. Suffice it to say that I was annoyed before she even sang a note. And yet, she at least did a much jazzier version of the song. And she sounded fine. Actually, she sounded better than fine. She sounded really, really good. I liked the arrangement and I could’ve enjoyed the song with my eyes closed. Sadly, as soon as I opened them she was there dressed like an insane person and being cheesy. Overall, though, I agreed with the Dawg that it really picked up speed as it went along. By the end, she found a nice groove. It was a cheese festival in the beginning, though.

Kendra Chantelle/Impossible – I like this girl despite the fact that she’s kinda trashy. That said, Xtina is a beast. If you attempt to take on one of her songs, you’d best be prepared to throw down. The first part of the song? She was kind of doin’ it to it. For a minute there, I thought she might actually pull it off. I was surprised. And you know what, darlings? I think she was surprised as well. You could see the moment she realized that she might actually pull this song off. And just in that moment? She totally lost her nerve. All of a sudden, she just kind of lost it entirely. Those last notes and runs were a tad bit off key and definitely not delivered with the same verve and confidence as the front end of the song. Still and all, it was a valiant effort. I don’t think we’ve seen a better attempt at Xtina ever on this show. She came out of that mainly unscathed, so props for that because Ms. Aguilera is no joke.

Haley Reinhart/Fallin’ – Great. The granddaddy of the non-song song. And she has shown a penchant for being a note killer and oversinger par excellence. So imagine my concern, noodles. And yet, she was working it out on this song. She sounded really, really good. Great tone to her voice and the pitch was right in the pocket. The runs were crystal clear. Lots of power, did interesting things with the melody. She oozed confidence up there. Wow. She was great on a crappy song. The Dawg may disagree, but in my Steven Tyler-ism of the night, the man himself noted “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” Ha! Steven Tyler, I love you.

Thia Megia/Out Here on My Own – I just don’t get this girl. She’s such a big ball of nothing. And singing that Irene Cara classic from Fame, Out Here on My Own? That was so school pageant. Oh, that was tragic. What 15 year old even knows this song? I sang this song once during a summer camp concert at the Hollywood Boys and Girls Club, but I think this movie was out in the theaters at the time and I was like 12. I wouldn’t sing it if I were going on American Idol. It was like watching someone’s granddaughter perform at the family restaurant. Is this star material, kittens? I don’t know. I don’t think so. What do they see in this girl? I just don’t see it. I don’t get it.

Pia Toscano/I’ll Stand By You – In the pimp slot? Huh. And can we agree that I’ll Stand by You is another song that needs to go on Idol hiatus, darlings? Alright then. It was pretty at first. There was much less vibrato than I remember from earlier rounds and a much more pleasing tone. The end got away from her and into shouty, loud is the new good territory, but overall it was . . . competent. But after some of the previous performances that were serious highlights, was this really pimp slot worthy? Eh. It wasn’t a bad performance. But that’s no show closer, honey.

One Singular Sensation

Karen Rodriguez/Hero – I was so scared. I really thought this lady did not have the voice to take on Mariah. But you know what? She shocked the hell out of me. She kind of tore it up on this song. It wasn’t Mimi by any means, but that was a good thing. I liked the bilingual flava. Kiddies, she could work that latin pop thing. Half those Lati-divas can’t sing at all. Thalia? Paulina Rubio? Our very own JLo? Yeah, they don’t have voices like this girl. I kind of was not knowing about this one. She blew it out of the water. Again, perhaps the best attempt at Mimi we’ve seen.

Lauren Turner/Seven Day Fool – I was hoping she would do well ‘cause I like her. And she still needs a make over real, real bad. But as far as the voice goes? She is so, so serious, y’all. I love this girls voice! 7 Day Fool? Oh, yeah. She can do that whole Adele/Duffy/Amy Winehouse thing. What a cool song choice. Oh and she just let loose on the last part of that song. What? She’s crazy good. It was a perfect full complete sentence. (Note: I will use that as a compliment for someone deserving in my real life tomorrow) I don’t know what JLo was talking about. I thought the performance quality was just fine. And better than fine. Homegirl can just blow.

Lauren Alaina/Turn on the Radio – Noodles, I didn’t know this song at all, but I want to own this version of hers right now. I would buy it on itunes. Today. I got my ninety nine cents ready. This girl can just sing. And she’s fun. A little firecracker. Strangé, lady. I wanted to hate you. I tried to hate you. But much like Brett Lowenstern, you’ve broken down all my defenses and now I love your 700 million year old ass. JLo had the right of it, kiddies. This kid is a natural.

God, I Hope I Get It

Who the heck knows. Let’s go to our Steven Tyler-isms, kiddies. “After Monday and Tuesday, even a week says WTF.” Exactly. I think Lauren A. and Karen can breathe easy tonight because they’re definitely going to be battling it out in the finals. I’d personally put Lauren T. right up there, too, but she only had a teaspoonful of screen time prior to the one week of semifinals and her style might not be everyone’s huckleberry. Pia and Thia seem like locks although I don’t really care for them. And Naima had a lot of steam coming into the night, so I could easily see a top 5 girls of Lauren A., Karen, Thia, Pia and Naima with Lauren T. squeezed out. I feel like a case could even be made for Kendra or Haley. Really the only ones totally out of the running seem to be Julie, Rachel Ashthon and Ta-Tynisa. But I’m not gonna duck my responsibilities, darlings. My best guess for Top 5? Karen, Lauren A., Thia, Pia and Lauren T. And I think Naima gets in on the wildcard. We’ll soon find out.

American Idol S10 Semifinals Ep 1 Where The Boys Are

Kittens, let’s start with the quick fashion hits, shall we? JLo looks amazing and it’s live on tape. And she needs to give me that dress now. Also, no 40 year old woman should be rocking the half up/half down hair style. I miss Steven Tyler’s hats. On the other hand, he did have on a shirt with red lips all over it and the minute he sat down, he started doing the monkey scream. So, it’s a draw, Steven Tyler. You crazy bastard. Ryan needs to step away from the self tanner. Every now and again, especially during California winters when he can’t lay out for that natural, sun kissed look. Ryan goes to the orange, Michael Kors place and it’s never pretty.


There, all done. Now time to get our judge on and see who rocked it and who was all nasally up in his nasal. (We still love and miss you, Pau Pau) I hated the new Idol-dome. Half the kids sounded overwhelmed. And I’m still not bought in to the whole bloodbath to come as we cut from 24 to 10 + however many wild cards they gave the judges this year, but Cecile Frot-Coutaz’ will be done. So we’ll run down the performances in order and then we’ll chat about who we think will form our boys Top 10. Ready? Steady? Go, noodles, go!

Junbug/Superstitious – Well, he looked adorable. That’s something. Darlings, Junbug does not have the chops to take on Stevie. He clearly thinks he sings much better than he actually does. And oh, he was so far off the pitch right from the jump. Sharp, sharp all over. Kiddies, his attempt to funkify this already sufficiently funky R&B classic and do all the runs was just, no. His voice has a weird nasally thing. And the “hey, hey, hee-ey” scream, really the whole end of the song, was just yowl-y crap. I knew Steven Tyler would love it because he thinks screaming equals singing and he got distracted by his AI sign, but I was disappointed that JLo didn’t call him on all the screechy out of tune-ness. As she noted, he did seem nervous during the performance, but kittens, was that really the worst part? Of course not. Randy is and idiot, but I agree that the performance wasn’t karaoke. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t karaoke either.

Jovany Barretto/I’ll Be – Well, he needs to go home immediately. His clip package was ass. And he broke out one of the most overused Idol songs of all times. I’ll Be? What is this, Season 4? Kiddies, this is who he is. Nothing but muscles and cheese and a face not nearly as cute as he believes it is. His voice is so weak and non-descript. I think I’ve heard dockworkers singing in the bathroom on their break who sound better than this kid. Go home, you big headed fool. You can’t sing. JLo only put you through because you kissed Marc Antony’s ass and she kinda wants to fuck you. And only Randy brings the realness? What is going on? It was karaoke. Sounds like the original but not as good. Exactly.

Jordan Dorsey/OMG – He also needs to go home immediately. Hmmm. Seems like we have a couple of those in the mix. And to think, I used to really like this fool. Noodles, I’m so ashamed. Don’t judge me. I suppose I must give him mini-props for singing a current song. But he does know that Usher can’t really sing, right? And that this song, while a dance floor anthem, is not a singer’s song? No matter how he tries to jazz it up. And by going off the melody, he just made the song sound odd. So many key changes. Wait, make that so many unnecessary key changes. It was just a weird performance. Darlings, the look on Steven Tyler’s face was priceless. JLo also nailed it by calling this fool out on being fake. And then he agreed that the song was not him. So he acknowledges that he’s fake? Alright, then. You know what? I’m done with this one. Done. Darlings, please send him home this week, mkay? Thanks!

Tim Halperin/Come on Over – Why did Tim Halperin get the Coca Cola pimp spot interview? He’s about as interesting as watching paint dry. But, kiddies, I liked this one after his Vegas duet with Julie Z., so I was hoping he’d bring it. Alas, it was not broughten. I kind of have to doubt now whether he was ever in possession of an it to bring. The song itself is very low key and it sounded like he maybe arranged the song a little low for his voice and therefore he had to do a lot of sing-talking, which I don’t enjoy. He was consistently just a tick off the notes in some weird way that made me very uncomfortable. Yep, I just didn’t like it. Darn it. And I really wanted to like him. Steven Tyler tells me that the song did not do him any justice and I concur. And no, JLo, he didn’t do it well. (Side note: Doin’ It Well is JLo’s best song. Discuss) He has been better. He just didn’t nail it. Bad song choice. Bad arrangement. And no, Tim Halperin. Do not defend the shoe to me and America. Bad, Tim. Kittens, I hope he’s cute enough to pull himself through to next week.

Brett Lowenstern/Light My Fire – Oh, Brett of my heart! I wanted to hate him, darlings, I really did. But he made me love him. So once again, I found byself hoping he would bring it. And Light My Fire was actually a really good song choice for him. But as soon as he started performing, it went all the way off the rails, no? Family, the dancing was heinous. And the hair flipping? Look away. The voice was good but the performance quality was so, so uncomfortable. Oh, it was bad, kiddies. Watch from the hall bad. Clearly, this kid is not ready for prime time. Still, on vocals alone, I think he was probably the best of the night at this point in the competition. And did we love JLo calling him on all the hair tossing? Indeed, we did. It was great. I believe that he didn’t realize he was doing all the hair tossing and he was adorable with Ryan, but that whole performance was kind of a nightmare.

James Durbin/Some Judas Priest song – Oh, great. Family, I just do not get this kid at all. He’s not even a poor man’s GLambert. He’s just a poor man’s poor man. I suppose he sang whatever scream-y song he was singing well. I didn’t hear any egregiously bad notes. And y’all, Steven Tyler may not want to say it, but this kid needs to get more control. And is the blinky thing the Tourette’s? (BTW, one of his “fans” was in the audience with a Tourette’s Rocks poster already. Already! I refuse, yall!) I am a terrible person so I’m just gonna come out and say that the blinky thing is already old and I don’t enjoy. And this fool is just ugh . . . “Here with the best audience in the world” frikkin’ schmoozing personality and it just rubs me the wrong way and just no. This fool is going to hang around forever and be my worst nightmare. A sickening combo of white Stevie Wonder No Pity pandering, David Cook true artist bullshit that’s just gonna mean he sings covers of songs not normally done on this show (whether or not that’s done well) and Gokey 2.0 back story pimping now that Medina’s gone. He’s going to the finale, isn’t he? Sigh.

Robbie Rosen/Angel – And after the assault in my sense of morality like Tourette’s, the SiNi then serve up this kid? With the big muppet head and the nose? And suddenly I’m so very tired. Oh, god. I’m tired. This is only half of them? Darlings, so, so tired. How can I be this tired already? Oh, what’s that? You say Robbie “Big Face” Rosen is still singing Sarah and doing the most pitiful arrangement of Angel I’ve heard in a while? Noodles, what a strange, strange song choice. And putting all those weird runs in was a mistake, no? The beauty of this song lays in it’s purity. That melody is gorgeous. Just shut up and sing it straight. Sigh. Young kids. Just because you can do all those runs doesn’t mean that you should. He biffed a few notes but overall sang it OK and still I hated it. Know what else I hated, kittens? JLo taking it to the Paula, the notes don’t matter place. Sorry, JLo. All the notes really do need to be perfectly perfect. How is it that I found myself agreeing with the Dawg all night? How did that happen? Something is wrong with the universe. Very, very wrong. Dammit, show, do not make me agree with Randy.

Scotty McCreary/Letters from Home – As he is a grown ass man, he really needs to stop letting people call him Scotty. He really can be a huge, huge country star. Trust and believe. He can’t win this show, but it kind of doesn’t even matter. The Pickle, Josh Gracin, Bucky Covington. Shoot, lots of country singers from this show didn’t win and have still gone on to have solid country careers and he could do the same. Steven Tyler was right about this one. He just couldn’t have picked a better song and he sang it really well. And JLo was right, too. This kid was born to sing country music. And the Dawg was right, too. He is a throwback country kid. So riddle me this, noodles. Why did they put him on this show where there will be only one country theme week. This kid on R&B night? Disco night? Songs Gwen Stefani likes or whatever lame ass themes they pull out of their asses? Oh, it’s not going to be pretty.

Stefano Langone/Amazing – At least he is still a cutie patootie, kiddies. I wanted to just eat him up. Too bad his voice is just not really up to snuff. Again, props for picking an of the minute song. Sadly for him, the Glee kids did it better and when Finn can outsing you? You got troubles. His performance was not on point, even though he was really really trying to sell it. The judges may try to soft pedal the pitch problems and I agree that he makes you want to like him, but that’s not enough to win this showHe’s a total redshirt. He even dressed the part.

Paul McDonald/Maggie Mae – Singing Maggie May again? I liked the snippet of it that I saw during the audition rounds and I liked it here, too. But seriously? Have we ever had a group more likely to repeat songs? This does not bode well for the season, I fear. Back to this performance, yep, still liked it. A lot. He has such an interesting voice. It could be annoying, but miraculously, it’s not. I really, really enjoyed this fool. I enjoyed the herky-jerky dancing. I liked the skinny, man in black look. I loved the smile and he was totally engaging and seemed authentic up there. And most importantly, he sang so, so pretty. I was flabbergasted, kiddies. Flabbergasted at how well he’d done. He made me believe that he might actually be able to do something in this competition. Huh. Much like Ryan, though, Paul needs to leave the self tanner alone.

Jacob Lusk/A House Is Not a Home – So this kid is too much and not enough all at the same time. Kittens, didn’t you just know he’d sing Luther? And he was so far off the melody on the very first notes of A House Is not a Home that it wasn’t even funny. And I did not like this song all transposed to make it all tenor fabulous. It just didn’t sit well in that range. He was playing with the melody in ways I didn’t like. His church home would give him a sniff and polite applause after that one. They might stand up, but behind their fans they’d be talking about how off he was; and “Oh, wasn’t it so sad”; and “Usually that baby has a voice touched by god”; and “Maybe he’s sick”; and “You know, I heard he had AIDS”; and “What?”; and “Girl, yes”; and “No”; and “Yes”; and “Ummm, what a shame”; and “Well, he has sounded better, sister.” That’s what would happen. He needs to go back and listen to Jimmy IV again and remember what he said about simplicity and . . . I don’t know, try again. Judges were on that monkey crack with this one, y’all.

Casey Abrams/ I Put a Spell on You – Wow. I kind of love this kid in every way that one can love. He just makes me smile. This was not his best vocal ever, but I just didn’t care. Who would pick this song, noodles? This kid, that’s who! I am in love with this nerdy white kid doing this funky voodoo soul classic. And the “You’re mine” at the end? Stop it. Just stop it. He had pitch problems all up, down, over and around that song. Vocally, it wasn’t all that good. But man, was it entertaining. Good use of the pimp slot. I would vote for this kid if I voted.

So as far as overall ratings, kittens, what do we got? Let’s take a look:

Loved:

Paul – Best of the night, both vocally and performance wise

Casey – Great performance, only so-so vocal

Liked:

Brett – Clean vocal, really uncomfortable performance

Scotty – Great vocal, good performance, too one dimensional to win this show

Meh:

Junbug – Went first, vocal was only so-so, kind of bland peformance. All over forgettable

Tim – Absolutely dreadful song choice and bad vocal but he’s likeable so I think he’ll make it through

Stefano – Decent but not great vocal (which is kind of his thing) but again he’s likeable and cute as a button which at this stage should be enough

Hated:

Jovany – Boring, (not even all that) pretty boy who can’t sing well

Jordan – Terrible song choice, terrible vocal, laughably bad performance and the dancing. Also, he’s come off as a bitch this whole time, so yeah. He’s toast.

James – Vocally, he was good but I just straight up hate him

Robbie – Again, not the worst vocally. But far from the best. And I just straight up don’t like him

Jacob – So many missed notes, so much oversinging, so much ado over nothing

Top 5

First off, I hate going directly to the top 5. Haaaaatttteeee. But here we are, kiddies, so who will reign supreme? Well, I’m prett sure that Casey, Paul and James Durbin are locks. I think Brett probably has enough fans to make it through with Scotty in the same bucket, so that’s 5 and that’s enough. Judges will put Jacob through because they are contractually obligated to have at least one African American male in the top 10 due to the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp clause in Ais contract.

Everybody else is going home, some deservedly and some night. And with that, I’m going to bed. I’ll see you on the tail end of tomorrow to dissect the girls.