Kittens, there are things to be said about this mad mash up of SYTYCD Vegas round plus Group Night, Part Deux plus the Chair. So many things. Let me explain. No, no . . . it is too much. Let me sum up. We'll break down the episode tomorrow, but for tonight just mad respect. Mad respect to Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi for their diabolical genius inventing new ways to torture these kids. Hale and well met to Jimmy IV for bringing it raw like it should be broughten to those fools in his Beatles group night critiques. I look forward to his mentoring sessions each week which seem like they will mostly be Home Truths with Jimmy IV in which he takes it to the little famewhores on the regular. Byrd, the Bitchy Vocal Coach can be his trusty sidekick. Let the church say "Amen". Pure love to the judgery for . . . well, just for being. Family, I know there will come a time, not too far in the future, when I will call JLo a tone deaf cow. I will proclaim in the strongest terms that the Dawg is the most useless waste of a sweater in all of creation. I may even turn on my dementedly perfect Steven Tyler. But for this one, shining night, well they were damn near perfect, noodles. Sending Hollie Cavanagh and golden haired Deandre home because they were not ready? Oh my. Bagging Lakeisha (who we never even knew before tonight) because Idol does not like big girls? Say what now? Turning out singers who were never going to be power players like Molly the White House intern? Well, shut my mouth and call me a lady! And most of all, for closing the palace gates against Gokey 2.0. I just don't think I've ever. Family, I didn't think it was possible to love this show more than I already do.
It's a long way down, noodles, but right now I'm high on AI life. 5 up, 5 down, 30 to go. I'm not happy with everyone they put through tonight, but I get it. Even the ones I wouldn't have chosen, I get it. I'm spent and happy and just, no Gokey 2.0? Wow.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
AI S10 Hollywood Week Ep 3 Four Rooms
Noodles, I know Steven Tyler initially stole my heart this season and I still love his crazy ass like an ant loves a picnic, but JLo is everything. Not only does she continue to turn it out in a never ending parade of cute, covetable coats and sequined everything (Sequined tap pants! Oh, chica. You scamp!) but also the bitch is a fabulous judge. Talking about contestants who are a couple of years away and therefore should not move on? Fab. Being proven right again (Emma) and again (Hollie Cavanaugh) and again (Miss Teen USA) on who she would and would not let through? U. Bringing the on point advice by the bucketful even to Ugly Crazy (AKA Ashley) about getting through this thoroughly rigged game show and life in general by learning to master your emotions (a thing which Ashley was born ill equipped to ever ever do, but still good advice)? Lous. I bow before the booty. She’s not the new Paula or the new Simon. She’s her own kind of thing and darlings, it is (Steven Tyler-ism alert) delicious!
So Four Rooms is always boring because it is clear just by doing a quick scan of the rooms who will be going through and who will not. Are you in a room with the likes of Brett, Jun Bug, Jacee, Robbie Rosen, 1003 year old Lauren Alaina and horrible, horrible Tourette’s boy (Who seriously, family, is just a bad person and the fool can’t sing!)? Then why all the crying, Crazy Ugly? Clearly, you are going through. Same goes for the room housing Naima Adedapo, who is magic, Thia Megia, who I resolutely just do not get, Julie Zorilla, also magic and so damn pretty it hurts, and Jovany, who’s fifteen minutes are juuuuussst about up. Who did not know that everyone in that room was going through? So quit your crying, Scotty McCreary. You fucked up all week long but Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi have already invested too much time and money in you to let you go home this early. On the other hand, in the room with Corey Levoy and Brielle? Oh, you’re ass is going home. Chelsee, or redheaded harpie as Rob and I like to call her, and Frances Coontz who gave the worst sing for your life audition possibly of all time and that is saying something on this show are your roommates? Just turn around and leave as soon as you walk in and see who else is in there. So yeah, boring, despite JLo and her sparkly, sparkly bangles and tap pants. But then . . . oh, but then, kiddies. Then the best thing every happened. Nigel, that crafty white devil, grafted SYTYCD Vegas round onto the end of Hollywood Week and decided to force these sleep deprived famewhores to do a SECOND group night full of only Beatles songs in Sin City with a 24 hour turn around time, possibly in lieu of or in some randomly weird combination with the chair. God dammit this show, y’all! It has its hooks in me so deep. Evil genius is what that is. Give them a nuke, and they’re North Korea.
So anyway, lots of people went through who I won’t care about at all after this week ‘cause we’ll have our Top 24, but right now here’s how I’m feeling. Because I know how much you care, kittens.
These People Could Get Me Back to their Vegas Hotel Room
Julie Zorilla – Sang Love Song in a Julie Zorilla way which is a thing already while managing to bring JLo levels of pretty and yet still somehow be likeable. This girl has the, say it with me, noodles, whatitisness. Delicious
Caleb Hawley – Was tearing up Stevie Wonder and damn I would like some more of that. Yes.
Brett Lowenstern – And you know what? I give up y’all. I tried every way I knew how not to like this kid because there is no way possible that this much need on this show will end well, but he got me. I love this redheaded green apple in a red apple universe and it is going to sting like a bitch watching him implode and watching the world turn on him because AI is like every wretched day in high school ratcheted up to the power of 10 and only the cool kids or the alien babies like Glambert who’ve already come out the other side of where this boy is now make it out alive but right here, right now, I frikkin’ love this kid and at the same time I want it done because do we really need to learn this lesson every single season? Pimps up, hos down. Got it. Can we rest now?
Casey Abrams – Oh noodles, how we enjoy this one, no? I hope he continues to bring it. And an upright bass? OK, this kid wins at life. Georgia On My Mind and goddammit I don’t even care that he totally miffed the lyrics. This white boy has a bucketful of soul and I want me some. Hot diggity damn. That’s the shit right there y’all.
Jacob Lusk – Sang God Bless the Child and he’s way too black choir director to win this show but the fool can blow. He would’ve been huge in 80’s R&B when Luther was ruling the roost. Shut up! Huge. And Ryan kind of loves him which means I also must love him a little bit.
John Wayne Schulz – Kittens, I hadn’t thought about this fool in a month of Sundays. And he was lovely on Landslide. That’s the way to sing a country song, family. Oh, this fool could be huge. Like selling out arenas huge. That’s good stuff.
Also you can throw a couple of other folks up in there like Naima but we didn’t even get to hear her sing for your life solo so suck on that. Because we need to spend time with Jacqueline, or as Rob and I like to call her, blond harpie, and watch her fake an illness rather than get cut for her ass voice and crazy eyes and cheap and tacky dye job and whore chic bible fashion. Or something like that, right? Kittens, just now that I would’ve gone mattress surfing with other kids who have a fair to middling shot to reach top 24, but these are the ones we saw, so that’s what I’m serving.
These People I Might Let Buy Me a Drink, But I’d Be Busting Out My Own Key Card at the End of the Night
Ashthon Jones – Whose eyes were perhaps a wee bit too big for her stomach. She didn’t have quite the voice to go full on JHud on And I Am Telling You, but she brought some fierceness and gave it a good run. Furthermore, I suspect she might have the whatitisness somewhere trapped up in there yearning to break free. I’m gonna keep an eye out for this one.
Jun Bug – Kittens, did he just hit the Janet pose and whisper “Band”? Love! Look, he is living his own rainbow truth right now and he oversings everything all to hell and he’s way too gay for American Idol, but I like this kid. And I’m giving him extra points for how the SiNi are trying to paint him as a villain for kicking the crying, fat kid out of his group on a reality TV show. Please. Jun Bug’s mama didn’t raise no fool. Look, I’ll get to Jacee later, but suffice it to say that if he’d been less fat or less young, the SiNi would not give a fuck and I don’t either. The white glasses frames have got to go, though.
Kendra Chantelle and Sophie Shorai – Who both sang Georgia on My Mind better than Jun Bug, if we’re keeping it real, kiddies. Kendra has a nice, deep tone. And Sophie, well, she was a thrilling surprise. I think her take on this hoary song (that really needs to go to that great Idol closet in the sky) might have been the best of the night but her bare feet were giving me Rose Flack flashbacks so that must stop immediately. Still, these two ladies put it down and I want to see more of them.
Carson Higgins – Who is still funny looking in an unfortunate way but won the My Prerogative war hands down over Gokey 2.0 by bringing it Anoop style whereas Gokey Redux went the Andrew Garcia/Straight Up path and darlings don’t we know which style I prefer? And he turned it out. For a white boy. He’s no Anoop, but really who is?
Colton Dixon – Is like every emo boy on the radio now and completely forgettable and yet he’s innocuous enough and every season needs its Tim.
Lauren Alaina – Is really 93 years old, y’all. I swear. She’s got like a reverse Dorian Gray thing going on. Why is this trick still 15? Why does she dress like a Laughlin, NV hooker? Why can she sing so crazy good? I’m perplexed. Like all good Christians, I denounce Diane Warren and all her works, but she brought it once again on Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. I’m perplexed. I want to hate, but she’s such a freak show that I just. I’ve decided I’m just going to pretend like the bitch is not 15 because clearly, look at her. I’ve seen retired cocktail waitresses who only worked night shifts at Indian casinos that look younger than this girl. I can’t wait until her birth certificate shows up on Gawker mid-season and it’s revealed that she is 59 and then she has to drop out of the competition and escandalo! Until then, I will enjoy her for her beautiful, beautiful voice and seemingly fun personality.
I Would Cast These People Out of Their Rooms and Into the Dark, Desert Night Because They Don’t Deserve to Have Nice Things
Haley Reinhart – I did not know her at all and she went first. So at this stage of the game, that means she must be good, right? Sadly, darlings, not right. Quite wrong, in fact. Shout-y, loud is the new good crap. And Summertime does not need that. Billie would be spinning in her grave.
Thia Megia – I still just don’t get it. I mean, What a Wonderful World is the best she’s ever done and she’s still just manufactured Disney Channel Selena/Miley whatever. That girl in that wacky tacky alphabet sweater is not a star.
Chris Medina – Couldn’t you have guessed that Gokey 2.0 would pull some cheesy stuff like giving My Prerogative the Andrew Garcia treatment? Ewww. He is so gross in his entire being. I just can’t absorb all that bullshit and nappy hair. We only saw a snippet of Gokey 2.0 which means that the shit was foul and wrong and they still put him through anyway to see what nasty ass version of the frikkin’ heart hand will spew forth from him. Sigh. I tire already, noodles. I started out liking FG because say what you will about his stank personality, he has a gorgeous voice which he chooses to use for evil and the more evil he got, the hotter he got and I’m still trying to puzzle that one through. But this idiot I already hate. I hate him. I hate the handi-capable girlfriend. I hate the stupid Chris Sligh hair. I hate the mediocre voice and the whole package. Where else is there to go? Kittens, for my own sanity, I may have to do an I Refuse on this one until he leaves my screen which I pray will be very, very soon or I might have to hurt someone.
Robbie Rosen – I gave in on Brett Lowenstern. I’ve resorted to living in a fantasy world in my head where Lauren Alaina is a 537 year old Time Lord just so I can like her. But this on? No. I will not be won over, even though he sings so pretty and I liked him so much better on the piano. He has a muppet head y’all and his big, giant alien face all up in my face being 16 at me all the god damn time and I just know I’m gonna have to put up with some of the bullshit kids from the Mickey and Judy Put on a Show/Stage Mothers from Hell group and I just cannot. I can’t with this one. Sorry, Robbie Rosen. Something’s gotta motherfucking give.
Stefano Langone and Jovany Barreto – Are both still cute as buttons and both still cannot really sing. Poor Stefano. Stevie kicked his ass. And Jovany. Singing Marc Antony? Again? Unacceptable. Dismissed. The both of you. JLo will just have to get by without her man candy.
Jacee Badeaux and Scotty McCreary – Both sounded and looked so tired, kittens, and shit hasn’t even really begun yet. They both made terrible song choices. I Hope You Dance? Scotty, baby. No. Cookie Monster’s coronation song? Now I know Jacee has taken full leave of his senses. Please send these poor babies home. It’s time for them to go. I want to see neither the big eared, awkward one nor the fat crying kid on my TV screen crying and forgetting they lyrics and singing off key and just being generally not terribly but not that good for the next several weeks. And family, you know y’all will vote for them should they make it that far. Because voting for them is voting for America and apple pie and everybody gets a trophy and trying is just as good as doing and lots of bullshit that is just not true but is a part of the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel good about the fact that in this culture fat crying kids and big eared, awkward kids don’t win things because we are really vain and shallow 90% of the time and the other 10% we want the smart kid who is ugly but useful. So, yeah. No.
Ashley Sullivan – I just hope the show realizes that this girl is not Cute Crazy. She’s not Tati D., train wreck crazy. She’s not white trash, meth head on Jerry Springer crazy. She’s not self absorbed needy crazy like Norman Gentle. She’s not delusional Brittenum Twins crazy. She’s not any of those kinds of crazies which are gross and wrong to parade across the television landscape for our amusement but part of the devil’s bargain that all of us who watch this show enter into every season. Ashley Sullivan is Ugly Crazy. She’s the kind of crazy that will snap and kill them all. She is the kind of crazy that will fuck you up. And she has and Iraq vet boyfriend who probably has PTSD and easy access to military grade weapons. I just hope the show realizes that.
Vegas Beatles Group Night Number 2-pacalypse
Bring it! Kittens, I will be in my room salivating.
So Four Rooms is always boring because it is clear just by doing a quick scan of the rooms who will be going through and who will not. Are you in a room with the likes of Brett, Jun Bug, Jacee, Robbie Rosen, 1003 year old Lauren Alaina and horrible, horrible Tourette’s boy (Who seriously, family, is just a bad person and the fool can’t sing!)? Then why all the crying, Crazy Ugly? Clearly, you are going through. Same goes for the room housing Naima Adedapo, who is magic, Thia Megia, who I resolutely just do not get, Julie Zorilla, also magic and so damn pretty it hurts, and Jovany, who’s fifteen minutes are juuuuussst about up. Who did not know that everyone in that room was going through? So quit your crying, Scotty McCreary. You fucked up all week long but Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi have already invested too much time and money in you to let you go home this early. On the other hand, in the room with Corey Levoy and Brielle? Oh, you’re ass is going home. Chelsee, or redheaded harpie as Rob and I like to call her, and Frances Coontz who gave the worst sing for your life audition possibly of all time and that is saying something on this show are your roommates? Just turn around and leave as soon as you walk in and see who else is in there. So yeah, boring, despite JLo and her sparkly, sparkly bangles and tap pants. But then . . . oh, but then, kiddies. Then the best thing every happened. Nigel, that crafty white devil, grafted SYTYCD Vegas round onto the end of Hollywood Week and decided to force these sleep deprived famewhores to do a SECOND group night full of only Beatles songs in Sin City with a 24 hour turn around time, possibly in lieu of or in some randomly weird combination with the chair. God dammit this show, y’all! It has its hooks in me so deep. Evil genius is what that is. Give them a nuke, and they’re North Korea.
So anyway, lots of people went through who I won’t care about at all after this week ‘cause we’ll have our Top 24, but right now here’s how I’m feeling. Because I know how much you care, kittens.
These People Could Get Me Back to their Vegas Hotel Room
Julie Zorilla – Sang Love Song in a Julie Zorilla way which is a thing already while managing to bring JLo levels of pretty and yet still somehow be likeable. This girl has the, say it with me, noodles, whatitisness. Delicious
Caleb Hawley – Was tearing up Stevie Wonder and damn I would like some more of that. Yes.
Brett Lowenstern – And you know what? I give up y’all. I tried every way I knew how not to like this kid because there is no way possible that this much need on this show will end well, but he got me. I love this redheaded green apple in a red apple universe and it is going to sting like a bitch watching him implode and watching the world turn on him because AI is like every wretched day in high school ratcheted up to the power of 10 and only the cool kids or the alien babies like Glambert who’ve already come out the other side of where this boy is now make it out alive but right here, right now, I frikkin’ love this kid and at the same time I want it done because do we really need to learn this lesson every single season? Pimps up, hos down. Got it. Can we rest now?
Casey Abrams – Oh noodles, how we enjoy this one, no? I hope he continues to bring it. And an upright bass? OK, this kid wins at life. Georgia On My Mind and goddammit I don’t even care that he totally miffed the lyrics. This white boy has a bucketful of soul and I want me some. Hot diggity damn. That’s the shit right there y’all.
Jacob Lusk – Sang God Bless the Child and he’s way too black choir director to win this show but the fool can blow. He would’ve been huge in 80’s R&B when Luther was ruling the roost. Shut up! Huge. And Ryan kind of loves him which means I also must love him a little bit.
John Wayne Schulz – Kittens, I hadn’t thought about this fool in a month of Sundays. And he was lovely on Landslide. That’s the way to sing a country song, family. Oh, this fool could be huge. Like selling out arenas huge. That’s good stuff.
Also you can throw a couple of other folks up in there like Naima but we didn’t even get to hear her sing for your life solo so suck on that. Because we need to spend time with Jacqueline, or as Rob and I like to call her, blond harpie, and watch her fake an illness rather than get cut for her ass voice and crazy eyes and cheap and tacky dye job and whore chic bible fashion. Or something like that, right? Kittens, just now that I would’ve gone mattress surfing with other kids who have a fair to middling shot to reach top 24, but these are the ones we saw, so that’s what I’m serving.
These People I Might Let Buy Me a Drink, But I’d Be Busting Out My Own Key Card at the End of the Night
Ashthon Jones – Whose eyes were perhaps a wee bit too big for her stomach. She didn’t have quite the voice to go full on JHud on And I Am Telling You, but she brought some fierceness and gave it a good run. Furthermore, I suspect she might have the whatitisness somewhere trapped up in there yearning to break free. I’m gonna keep an eye out for this one.
Jun Bug – Kittens, did he just hit the Janet pose and whisper “Band”? Love! Look, he is living his own rainbow truth right now and he oversings everything all to hell and he’s way too gay for American Idol, but I like this kid. And I’m giving him extra points for how the SiNi are trying to paint him as a villain for kicking the crying, fat kid out of his group on a reality TV show. Please. Jun Bug’s mama didn’t raise no fool. Look, I’ll get to Jacee later, but suffice it to say that if he’d been less fat or less young, the SiNi would not give a fuck and I don’t either. The white glasses frames have got to go, though.
Kendra Chantelle and Sophie Shorai – Who both sang Georgia on My Mind better than Jun Bug, if we’re keeping it real, kiddies. Kendra has a nice, deep tone. And Sophie, well, she was a thrilling surprise. I think her take on this hoary song (that really needs to go to that great Idol closet in the sky) might have been the best of the night but her bare feet were giving me Rose Flack flashbacks so that must stop immediately. Still, these two ladies put it down and I want to see more of them.
Carson Higgins – Who is still funny looking in an unfortunate way but won the My Prerogative war hands down over Gokey 2.0 by bringing it Anoop style whereas Gokey Redux went the Andrew Garcia/Straight Up path and darlings don’t we know which style I prefer? And he turned it out. For a white boy. He’s no Anoop, but really who is?
Colton Dixon – Is like every emo boy on the radio now and completely forgettable and yet he’s innocuous enough and every season needs its Tim.
Lauren Alaina – Is really 93 years old, y’all. I swear. She’s got like a reverse Dorian Gray thing going on. Why is this trick still 15? Why does she dress like a Laughlin, NV hooker? Why can she sing so crazy good? I’m perplexed. Like all good Christians, I denounce Diane Warren and all her works, but she brought it once again on Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. I’m perplexed. I want to hate, but she’s such a freak show that I just. I’ve decided I’m just going to pretend like the bitch is not 15 because clearly, look at her. I’ve seen retired cocktail waitresses who only worked night shifts at Indian casinos that look younger than this girl. I can’t wait until her birth certificate shows up on Gawker mid-season and it’s revealed that she is 59 and then she has to drop out of the competition and escandalo! Until then, I will enjoy her for her beautiful, beautiful voice and seemingly fun personality.
I Would Cast These People Out of Their Rooms and Into the Dark, Desert Night Because They Don’t Deserve to Have Nice Things
Haley Reinhart – I did not know her at all and she went first. So at this stage of the game, that means she must be good, right? Sadly, darlings, not right. Quite wrong, in fact. Shout-y, loud is the new good crap. And Summertime does not need that. Billie would be spinning in her grave.
Thia Megia – I still just don’t get it. I mean, What a Wonderful World is the best she’s ever done and she’s still just manufactured Disney Channel Selena/Miley whatever. That girl in that wacky tacky alphabet sweater is not a star.
Chris Medina – Couldn’t you have guessed that Gokey 2.0 would pull some cheesy stuff like giving My Prerogative the Andrew Garcia treatment? Ewww. He is so gross in his entire being. I just can’t absorb all that bullshit and nappy hair. We only saw a snippet of Gokey 2.0 which means that the shit was foul and wrong and they still put him through anyway to see what nasty ass version of the frikkin’ heart hand will spew forth from him. Sigh. I tire already, noodles. I started out liking FG because say what you will about his stank personality, he has a gorgeous voice which he chooses to use for evil and the more evil he got, the hotter he got and I’m still trying to puzzle that one through. But this idiot I already hate. I hate him. I hate the handi-capable girlfriend. I hate the stupid Chris Sligh hair. I hate the mediocre voice and the whole package. Where else is there to go? Kittens, for my own sanity, I may have to do an I Refuse on this one until he leaves my screen which I pray will be very, very soon or I might have to hurt someone.
Robbie Rosen – I gave in on Brett Lowenstern. I’ve resorted to living in a fantasy world in my head where Lauren Alaina is a 537 year old Time Lord just so I can like her. But this on? No. I will not be won over, even though he sings so pretty and I liked him so much better on the piano. He has a muppet head y’all and his big, giant alien face all up in my face being 16 at me all the god damn time and I just know I’m gonna have to put up with some of the bullshit kids from the Mickey and Judy Put on a Show/Stage Mothers from Hell group and I just cannot. I can’t with this one. Sorry, Robbie Rosen. Something’s gotta motherfucking give.
Stefano Langone and Jovany Barreto – Are both still cute as buttons and both still cannot really sing. Poor Stefano. Stevie kicked his ass. And Jovany. Singing Marc Antony? Again? Unacceptable. Dismissed. The both of you. JLo will just have to get by without her man candy.
Jacee Badeaux and Scotty McCreary – Both sounded and looked so tired, kittens, and shit hasn’t even really begun yet. They both made terrible song choices. I Hope You Dance? Scotty, baby. No. Cookie Monster’s coronation song? Now I know Jacee has taken full leave of his senses. Please send these poor babies home. It’s time for them to go. I want to see neither the big eared, awkward one nor the fat crying kid on my TV screen crying and forgetting they lyrics and singing off key and just being generally not terribly but not that good for the next several weeks. And family, you know y’all will vote for them should they make it that far. Because voting for them is voting for America and apple pie and everybody gets a trophy and trying is just as good as doing and lots of bullshit that is just not true but is a part of the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel good about the fact that in this culture fat crying kids and big eared, awkward kids don’t win things because we are really vain and shallow 90% of the time and the other 10% we want the smart kid who is ugly but useful. So, yeah. No.
Ashley Sullivan – I just hope the show realizes that this girl is not Cute Crazy. She’s not Tati D., train wreck crazy. She’s not white trash, meth head on Jerry Springer crazy. She’s not self absorbed needy crazy like Norman Gentle. She’s not delusional Brittenum Twins crazy. She’s not any of those kinds of crazies which are gross and wrong to parade across the television landscape for our amusement but part of the devil’s bargain that all of us who watch this show enter into every season. Ashley Sullivan is Ugly Crazy. She’s the kind of crazy that will snap and kill them all. She is the kind of crazy that will fuck you up. And she has and Iraq vet boyfriend who probably has PTSD and easy access to military grade weapons. I just hope the show realizes that.
Vegas Beatles Group Night Number 2-pacalypse
Bring it! Kittens, I will be in my room salivating.
Friday, February 4, 2011
American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 6 No
I respectfully decline to dignify the shit served up during last night's Los Angeles audition episode with a recap. Ms. Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi, please take JLo’s turban and Steven Tyler’s increasingly bad highlights and Randy’s gold tennis shoes and every single “contestant” you showed last night, even the ones you gave golden tickets to seeing as how none of them were worthy, and shove them right up your collective asses. It wasn’t cute and we are not amused.
I’m all done now, kittens. See you next week.
I’m all done now, kittens. See you next week.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 5 I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No
Noodles, we have a quality control problem brewing. Did they really let that hyperventilating Liverpool teen through after croaking out a version of The Climb even worse than Miley Cyrus, candidate for worst live performer in history, would’ve been embarrassed by? The chicken dancing girl who was fake in love with the most openly in the closet gay man in America? She gets a golden ticket? Braid Bang? You have got to be frikkin’ kidding me. Hollywood Week is gonna be a massacre.
That was a perfectly pleasant hour of reality TV. Steven Tyler showed up in yet another of his fetchingly zany hats and continued to freely use crazy as an adverb meaning “very” which y’all know I appreciate. JLo wore sparkly pants and was brilliant last night (though she almost ruined it all by letting Marc Anthony out of his coffin during daylight hours. Glass must be light tight. Hmmmph) And Ryan was much better turned out, rocking the sports coat with the jeans. And yet, like munching on a big bowl of ramen noodles, noodles, last night’s AI provided no real nutritional value. Sigh. I think I’ve reached the part of the early episodes where I’m just ready to get it on. It’s the same as it ever was. Good people, lousy people. Awesome people, awesomely delusional people. And through it all, the Dawg, the crack monkeys, the trannys and hos abide. And us, family. We go on. So let’s get to what Austin served up last night. I mean, aside from a heaping helping of cowboy cliches that were sad for us all.
Cowboys Ain’t Easy to Love
Day one and day two in Austin gave us plenty of losers to loathe. We got baby gays with tragic mohawks (Rodolfo Ochoa! Gays of Austin, please take this boy in hand. He’s so cute and so misguided) We got an almost naked Shauntel Campos whose song I cannot even recall as I was so worried about her and her certain to be on the way soon yeast infection. Put some clothes on young lady! We got some big faced boy named Caleb screaming at me in a vaguely DeWyze-ian way and I did not like it one little bit. (And PS, Cecile Frot-Coutaz. You will never, ever, ever, ever make that Lee version of Beautiful Day happen. Please stop trying. We’re embarrassed for you) We got a hatless Steven Tyler on day 2 which was somewhat disappointing but then he made fun of JLo and tried to pull his entire face off and that just showed that hattless or hatted he is one crazy motherfucker which makes me so, so happy and kittens, why can’t we just have a show of nothing but Steven Tyler’s non-sequiturs about his days as a druggie and then cursing about what a fucking great day it is? Wouldn’t it be nice? Oh also, they had crap auditions that we had to sit through from beginning to end. Let’s talk about those, shall we?
Hollie Cavanagh from Liverpool – Steven Tyler noted that she was all over the place with the melody. JLo worried about whether this girl was ready after listening to her butcher Etta’s At last. Even Randy noticed that she went through about eight different keys in that song. And then JLo had her sing again. Why, JLo? Why? Can we blame it on Marc? So this girl can’t sing and she’s not even really all that cute, just kind of pathetic and for a British person her British accent sucked ass and this is not I Feel Sorry for You Idol so I don’t want her on my show. And kiddies, she’ll be gone in 60 seconds once she gets to Hollywood, so let’s not waste any more time on her. Mkay?
Courtney Penry – At one point during this audition, JLo talked about laying in the cut for someone and watching the Bronx/On the 6 Jenny from the block peek out of her was the absolute best thing about this entire 5 minutes of this show. Because this girl? Is a carny freak. And she’s so fake and so “Look at me. Look at me! LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!! And family, I’m exhausted by just her whole existence. I’ll give her a small point for her appreciation of my Ryan (But really, girlfriend is barking up the wrong tree and it would be kind of sad if that whole crush hadn’t been manufactured in Miss Thing’s basement Get Me On TV Lair. She is not slick) And I suppose she sang Sugarland’s Stay just fine. She could work it out as a back up singer or in some honky tonk in the greater Austin metroplex. But she’s not your American Idol. And Randy, when have you ever known this show to help any singer break his or her bad habits? Alright then.
Jacqueline Dunford and Nick Fink – No. Just ugh. And no. Was it supposed to be tongue in cheek? Because it just came off as really annoying. And are we supposed to be charmed by these two whimsical, crazy kids now? Because, darlings, I just wanted to slap them really hard in the mouth kinda like when Sally Field gets invited to slap Shirley McClaine in that scene in Steel Magnolias where she has just buried her daughter Julia Roberts and she is in the graveyard completely losing her shit and acting her ass off while Olympia Dukakis and Darryl Hannah make with the funny and bring the pathos respectively and Dolly Parton is all kinds of amazing and where do you think she learned to act like that anyway? What? Oh yeah, I wanted to slap these annoying kids. And Jacqueline Dunford, what the hell with the side braid bang? And the flowered spandex mini? I think I had that same dress. In 1993. Stay out of your mama’s closet. Noodles, I don’t even really know if they can sing. I vaguely recall thinking her Mercy was just OK, with some distinctly wonky, too high for her notes thrown in there. Nick’s Sunday Morning was better. Not that I think he’s a great singer, but he had some panache. Both of them seem a perfect fit for the community college choir, but neither one’s a star. And together, they are the most saccharine and annoying two headed love beast on the planet. I’d be amazed if either one makes the show.
My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys
Sandwiched into the three pack of moon faced Caleb and the half naked girl, there was a boy singing Luther’s House Is not a Home. Tearing it down. He might have been my favorite of the night and I don’t even know his name, kittens! But I would like to see more of him. Wouldn’t you? And there were other good folks, too. Discuss.
Corey Levoy –So what about the long lost sister? You’ve just described every ghetto family in America. Who doesn’t have a secret sibling? Is she Oprah? No? Wrap it up then. Honestly, kiddies, this kid did not win me over with his voice. His I Can’t Make You Love Me was countrified all to hell and his tone had a nice country twang, but that nasally tone is gonna grate after a few weeks. And all the runs! Great googly moogly! Sing a note and hold it, just straight. I was on run overload. But then came the high voice conversation and the JLo booty and doing the Running Man and the whole Gay country singer and you know what? Let’s do this, America. With DADT and gay marriage wending it’s way up to the Supreme Court, it’s time for the gay agenda to catch up with AI and the country music heartland. And if Corey Levoy could cause a little crack in the country music homophobia wall, well then I could like this kid. A lot.
John Wayne Schulz – See what I mean, noodles? Year of the homo. Dad starts out busting on my beautiful pocket gay. And yet. And yet. He was won over by the fabulousness that is Ryan Seacrest. By the end of the audition, John Wayne here was picking Ryan up and twirling him around in his arms like the end of some romantic comedy and then Ryan was turning around and doing the same to dad leading to belt buckle damage to his dainty hands and while I’m sure that’s not the first time a belt buckle has left a mark on his delicate white skin, it probably wasn’t on the hand the last time it happened. I was Bored by all the salt of the earth, country bullshit backstory. But his Believe by Brooks and Dunn was sung really well. He’s still a big old bag of producer pimping and bullshit and I will be sick of him after Songs from the Year of Your Birth week. But he won me over the minute he picked up my Ryan.
Janelle Arthur – Was altogether pleasant. Her voice on Syrup and Honey had a purity and a lightness that was pleasing to the ear. And she’s very easy on the eyes, is she not? I would appreciate having a countrified female contestant that I could enjoy this season (see La Underwood or even the Pickle) rather than a rage inducing cliché monger who caterwauls and screeches her way through twangy renditions of pop classics (I still hate you Colonel Kristie Lee. So, so much). Could this girl be the one, noodles? I’m not convinced. She seems awfully low key and in a sea of 15 year old drama factories just waiting to claim the country spot and black country queens who can actually sing this time, well Janelle here might slip right through the cracks.
Casey Abrams – I Don’t Need No Doctor. So this kid is right up Steven Tyler’s alley and let me tell you, Steven Tyler was loving it! The kid was so good that Steven Tyler didn’t even start banging on the table and hooting along with the contestant like some in tune Howler monkey. And was that JLo lifting up the gospel hand? Oh, Lopez! I think you just made up for inlficting Marc Anthony on an unsuspecting world last night. So yeah, this kid Casey has got the goods. He even threw in a little scatting. What? Toss another funky, funky white boy in the barbie, kittens.
Did we really get through Austin with no 15 year olds? Kittens, I think that automatically makes Austin my favorite audition city to date. Can we possibly get that lucky two nights in a row? Most likely not, but hope springs eternal.
That was a perfectly pleasant hour of reality TV. Steven Tyler showed up in yet another of his fetchingly zany hats and continued to freely use crazy as an adverb meaning “very” which y’all know I appreciate. JLo wore sparkly pants and was brilliant last night (though she almost ruined it all by letting Marc Anthony out of his coffin during daylight hours. Glass must be light tight. Hmmmph) And Ryan was much better turned out, rocking the sports coat with the jeans. And yet, like munching on a big bowl of ramen noodles, noodles, last night’s AI provided no real nutritional value. Sigh. I think I’ve reached the part of the early episodes where I’m just ready to get it on. It’s the same as it ever was. Good people, lousy people. Awesome people, awesomely delusional people. And through it all, the Dawg, the crack monkeys, the trannys and hos abide. And us, family. We go on. So let’s get to what Austin served up last night. I mean, aside from a heaping helping of cowboy cliches that were sad for us all.
Cowboys Ain’t Easy to Love
Day one and day two in Austin gave us plenty of losers to loathe. We got baby gays with tragic mohawks (Rodolfo Ochoa! Gays of Austin, please take this boy in hand. He’s so cute and so misguided) We got an almost naked Shauntel Campos whose song I cannot even recall as I was so worried about her and her certain to be on the way soon yeast infection. Put some clothes on young lady! We got some big faced boy named Caleb screaming at me in a vaguely DeWyze-ian way and I did not like it one little bit. (And PS, Cecile Frot-Coutaz. You will never, ever, ever, ever make that Lee version of Beautiful Day happen. Please stop trying. We’re embarrassed for you) We got a hatless Steven Tyler on day 2 which was somewhat disappointing but then he made fun of JLo and tried to pull his entire face off and that just showed that hattless or hatted he is one crazy motherfucker which makes me so, so happy and kittens, why can’t we just have a show of nothing but Steven Tyler’s non-sequiturs about his days as a druggie and then cursing about what a fucking great day it is? Wouldn’t it be nice? Oh also, they had crap auditions that we had to sit through from beginning to end. Let’s talk about those, shall we?
Hollie Cavanagh from Liverpool – Steven Tyler noted that she was all over the place with the melody. JLo worried about whether this girl was ready after listening to her butcher Etta’s At last. Even Randy noticed that she went through about eight different keys in that song. And then JLo had her sing again. Why, JLo? Why? Can we blame it on Marc? So this girl can’t sing and she’s not even really all that cute, just kind of pathetic and for a British person her British accent sucked ass and this is not I Feel Sorry for You Idol so I don’t want her on my show. And kiddies, she’ll be gone in 60 seconds once she gets to Hollywood, so let’s not waste any more time on her. Mkay?
Courtney Penry – At one point during this audition, JLo talked about laying in the cut for someone and watching the Bronx/On the 6 Jenny from the block peek out of her was the absolute best thing about this entire 5 minutes of this show. Because this girl? Is a carny freak. And she’s so fake and so “Look at me. Look at me! LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!! And family, I’m exhausted by just her whole existence. I’ll give her a small point for her appreciation of my Ryan (But really, girlfriend is barking up the wrong tree and it would be kind of sad if that whole crush hadn’t been manufactured in Miss Thing’s basement Get Me On TV Lair. She is not slick) And I suppose she sang Sugarland’s Stay just fine. She could work it out as a back up singer or in some honky tonk in the greater Austin metroplex. But she’s not your American Idol. And Randy, when have you ever known this show to help any singer break his or her bad habits? Alright then.
Jacqueline Dunford and Nick Fink – No. Just ugh. And no. Was it supposed to be tongue in cheek? Because it just came off as really annoying. And are we supposed to be charmed by these two whimsical, crazy kids now? Because, darlings, I just wanted to slap them really hard in the mouth kinda like when Sally Field gets invited to slap Shirley McClaine in that scene in Steel Magnolias where she has just buried her daughter Julia Roberts and she is in the graveyard completely losing her shit and acting her ass off while Olympia Dukakis and Darryl Hannah make with the funny and bring the pathos respectively and Dolly Parton is all kinds of amazing and where do you think she learned to act like that anyway? What? Oh yeah, I wanted to slap these annoying kids. And Jacqueline Dunford, what the hell with the side braid bang? And the flowered spandex mini? I think I had that same dress. In 1993. Stay out of your mama’s closet. Noodles, I don’t even really know if they can sing. I vaguely recall thinking her Mercy was just OK, with some distinctly wonky, too high for her notes thrown in there. Nick’s Sunday Morning was better. Not that I think he’s a great singer, but he had some panache. Both of them seem a perfect fit for the community college choir, but neither one’s a star. And together, they are the most saccharine and annoying two headed love beast on the planet. I’d be amazed if either one makes the show.
My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys
Sandwiched into the three pack of moon faced Caleb and the half naked girl, there was a boy singing Luther’s House Is not a Home. Tearing it down. He might have been my favorite of the night and I don’t even know his name, kittens! But I would like to see more of him. Wouldn’t you? And there were other good folks, too. Discuss.
Corey Levoy –So what about the long lost sister? You’ve just described every ghetto family in America. Who doesn’t have a secret sibling? Is she Oprah? No? Wrap it up then. Honestly, kiddies, this kid did not win me over with his voice. His I Can’t Make You Love Me was countrified all to hell and his tone had a nice country twang, but that nasally tone is gonna grate after a few weeks. And all the runs! Great googly moogly! Sing a note and hold it, just straight. I was on run overload. But then came the high voice conversation and the JLo booty and doing the Running Man and the whole Gay country singer and you know what? Let’s do this, America. With DADT and gay marriage wending it’s way up to the Supreme Court, it’s time for the gay agenda to catch up with AI and the country music heartland. And if Corey Levoy could cause a little crack in the country music homophobia wall, well then I could like this kid. A lot.
John Wayne Schulz – See what I mean, noodles? Year of the homo. Dad starts out busting on my beautiful pocket gay. And yet. And yet. He was won over by the fabulousness that is Ryan Seacrest. By the end of the audition, John Wayne here was picking Ryan up and twirling him around in his arms like the end of some romantic comedy and then Ryan was turning around and doing the same to dad leading to belt buckle damage to his dainty hands and while I’m sure that’s not the first time a belt buckle has left a mark on his delicate white skin, it probably wasn’t on the hand the last time it happened. I was Bored by all the salt of the earth, country bullshit backstory. But his Believe by Brooks and Dunn was sung really well. He’s still a big old bag of producer pimping and bullshit and I will be sick of him after Songs from the Year of Your Birth week. But he won me over the minute he picked up my Ryan.
Janelle Arthur – Was altogether pleasant. Her voice on Syrup and Honey had a purity and a lightness that was pleasing to the ear. And she’s very easy on the eyes, is she not? I would appreciate having a countrified female contestant that I could enjoy this season (see La Underwood or even the Pickle) rather than a rage inducing cliché monger who caterwauls and screeches her way through twangy renditions of pop classics (I still hate you Colonel Kristie Lee. So, so much). Could this girl be the one, noodles? I’m not convinced. She seems awfully low key and in a sea of 15 year old drama factories just waiting to claim the country spot and black country queens who can actually sing this time, well Janelle here might slip right through the cracks.
Casey Abrams – I Don’t Need No Doctor. So this kid is right up Steven Tyler’s alley and let me tell you, Steven Tyler was loving it! The kid was so good that Steven Tyler didn’t even start banging on the table and hooting along with the contestant like some in tune Howler monkey. And was that JLo lifting up the gospel hand? Oh, Lopez! I think you just made up for inlficting Marc Anthony on an unsuspecting world last night. So yeah, this kid Casey has got the goods. He even threw in a little scatting. What? Toss another funky, funky white boy in the barbie, kittens.
Did we really get through Austin with no 15 year olds? Kittens, I think that automatically makes Austin my favorite audition city to date. Can we possibly get that lucky two nights in a row? Most likely not, but hope springs eternal.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 4 Wake Me When It’s Over
Noodles, Nashville was kind of uninspired, no? I mean, don’t get me wrong, there were a more than acceptable number of decent auditions. Steven Tyler continues to be delightful. JLo, in addition to the virgin blood, is on some serious Dorian Grey shit because the bitch looks better and better and better by the week. And the Dawg is still an ass. Sigh. And they were at the Ryman which is awesome. But it failed to movie me, kittens. Did the earth move for you? Before we dive into tonight’s new Idol-mania, let’s jump in our way back machine and see what we remember about last Wednesday. I damn sure remember that my Ry-Ry was still rocking the weekend casual and I cannot wait to get him back to the Kodak and into the bespoke suits because I miss my sleekly metrosexual pocket gay so, so much.
These People Need to Stop
Christina McCaffrey – Stop it. With your frosted green eye shadow and your Bonne Belle lipgloss and your all of all and your crazy. Just stop it. I Hope You Dance? How about I hope you stop singing? And Randy, you can’t just laugh and say “Really?” and then demand to be paid money for judging this show. Dammit, man, you are a professional. Thank heavens JLo is here now to call him on his shit.
Fat girl in Victoria’s Secret panties? No. Steven Tyler croaking like a velociraptor? No.
Male Tattoo Sleeve – I cannot. I mean, kittens, I cannot. Make it stop. And did everyone else notice that Steven Tyler was so not interested in Nashville. Did someone lower his meds?
Stormy Henley – Miss Teen USA? Seriously? See, I can say that, darlings, because I am just a humble recapper. Also, there’s more. She’s a beautiful girl, but is she gonna win a show where tween girls have to vote for her each week? We all now the answer to that one, don’t we? So she sang some Jesus song, Father Can You Hear Me, which neither I nor Mandisa know anything about and it was passable but nothing to write home about and can’t she just go sing praise music at her local church? I bet she’d be really good at that. Darlings, if I could’ve crawled into the TV and kissed that shiny, shiny punim, I’d have bussed JLo for saying no to this more than middle of the road singer. Her voice is just not good enough. Sigh. At least she wasn’t wearing a bikini? There’s that, I guess.
Kameela Merricks – Steven Tyler finally woke up and had something to say about this deluded girl murdering Chaka, so I’m gonna go ahead and let him take it. “ You know you really don’t have a good voice at all.” Thanks, Steven Tyler. We know.
Younique (Latoy Moore) – I refuse. But I will say that Randy’s lack of professionalism last week was out of control. Family, was he always like this? I don’t think so, no? He is a jackass. Someone needs to yank his chain because he is not right nearly often enough to rock the “Simon-I’m-a-dick-but-I’m-right-so-it’s-OK-that-I’m-a-dick” thing.
Matt Dillard – Was on my bad side from the jump. Don’t trot out the special needs kids. Sob story. That’s an automatic sob story. Besides, these hicks are probably running a welfare scam. So he sang You Raise Me Up, a bold and unexpected song choice to be sure, in a just so-so manner. I’ll grant him minimal points since he at least was able to diagnose what the problems with the song were, but JLo was right again. Some more. The audition was not strong enough. Clearly he has a seed of something, but this is not American Development Deal Candidate. It’s American Idol and we are supposed to be looking for a star which he is not.
These People May Carry On
Chelsee Oakes and Rob Bolin - Kittens, these two do not look like they go together at all. At all. The hotness differential between the two of them is off the charts. And you could tell that while he might enjoy getting back up in that, she most decidedly would not. Still, they sounded divine together,no? And as soloists? Rob is the shit, y’all. Love that husky timbre in his voice. Kittens, he tore up What’s Goin On. Chelsee sang the song that reminds me of Lacey (The Story) and her crazy red hair and terrible, nails on a chalkboard voice and that’s not a good thing but she had a quirky, interesting voice. Of the two of them, I’d bet folding money he goes farther than she does. As far as the love story goes, darlings, all I can say is whatever. This is not Flavor of Love.
Adrian Beasley – Noodles, let’s just start by acknowledging that the weave is tragic. But then we met Freddie and Carolyn and they are all over adorable but looking at them don’t we totally get the weave now? Alright, then. And in the grand scheme of things the weave doesn’t even matter. Bad hair can be fixed. Well, not by the trannys in hair and make up on this show, but by someone. And bottom line, she has a gorgeous voice. Pure country. I love how much Steven Tyler loves the kids who are good. And when she called her dad who was tickled? Aww. We love her. Love. That’s how you do a backstory as opposed to a sob story.
Side note: And here’s where Steven Tyler started taking in that crazy way that is the only way he has about how he was surely feeling like we’d have all the winners from right here in Nashville. All the winners? Oh, Steven Tyler. You do know there’s only one winner, right?
Jackie Wilson – That was cramazing. This girl can straight up blow. I want to see much more of her. Immediately. And yet, I worry, kiddies. The Target denim mini paired with that tragic t-shirt? The Supercuts hairdo? A style intervention is in order. The tween vote, especially in this, the year of Bieber Hunt, will be all important and I’m just not seeing how Jackie gets there. On a whole other note, noodles, I’m with Ryan in that I totally thought the old dude waiting outside the audition room was her father. Incest on Idol really would be a bridge too far.
I had mixed feelings on the audition three pack. Paul McDonald sounded a lot like Rod Stewart on his rendition of Maggie May but in a fresh and interesting way, not in a I will milk my aging voice for all it’s worth by making standards albums of exponentially diminishing returns way. I enjoy him. Jimmie Allen, I did not enjoy. He was cheesy and loud. And men? Skinny jeans. No. Danny Pate did a damn fine job with Papa was a rolling stone. Funky, funky white boy. We got a couple of ‘em this year, kittens.
Lauren Alaina – 15 year olds. Fuck. The show is trying to make me lose my mind. And darlings, why does this one look 30 while the parents look 15? And why is she so, so , so fake? The dramatic face grab whilst recounting the Saga of Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin? Bitch, please. I hate this girl intensely. And yet . . . and yet. There she was singing my favorite Faith and Tim song, Like we Never Loved At All, and knocking it out of the park. And then bringing in her baby faced family and Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin so that they all could be all cute with my favorite new toy, Steven Tyler and she could turn it out again on that horrible asteroid song from minion of Satan, Diane Warren. Noodles, She can really sing. Still hate her but this one is a comer.
And now we’re mercifully done with Nashville. I barely remember what happened and I just finished writing about it. Bleagh. But on to the next city, kittens. Each night begins the new day?
These People Need to Stop
Christina McCaffrey – Stop it. With your frosted green eye shadow and your Bonne Belle lipgloss and your all of all and your crazy. Just stop it. I Hope You Dance? How about I hope you stop singing? And Randy, you can’t just laugh and say “Really?” and then demand to be paid money for judging this show. Dammit, man, you are a professional. Thank heavens JLo is here now to call him on his shit.
Fat girl in Victoria’s Secret panties? No. Steven Tyler croaking like a velociraptor? No.
Male Tattoo Sleeve – I cannot. I mean, kittens, I cannot. Make it stop. And did everyone else notice that Steven Tyler was so not interested in Nashville. Did someone lower his meds?
Stormy Henley – Miss Teen USA? Seriously? See, I can say that, darlings, because I am just a humble recapper. Also, there’s more. She’s a beautiful girl, but is she gonna win a show where tween girls have to vote for her each week? We all now the answer to that one, don’t we? So she sang some Jesus song, Father Can You Hear Me, which neither I nor Mandisa know anything about and it was passable but nothing to write home about and can’t she just go sing praise music at her local church? I bet she’d be really good at that. Darlings, if I could’ve crawled into the TV and kissed that shiny, shiny punim, I’d have bussed JLo for saying no to this more than middle of the road singer. Her voice is just not good enough. Sigh. At least she wasn’t wearing a bikini? There’s that, I guess.
Kameela Merricks – Steven Tyler finally woke up and had something to say about this deluded girl murdering Chaka, so I’m gonna go ahead and let him take it. “ You know you really don’t have a good voice at all.” Thanks, Steven Tyler. We know.
Younique (Latoy Moore) – I refuse. But I will say that Randy’s lack of professionalism last week was out of control. Family, was he always like this? I don’t think so, no? He is a jackass. Someone needs to yank his chain because he is not right nearly often enough to rock the “Simon-I’m-a-dick-but-I’m-right-so-it’s-OK-that-I’m-a-dick” thing.
Matt Dillard – Was on my bad side from the jump. Don’t trot out the special needs kids. Sob story. That’s an automatic sob story. Besides, these hicks are probably running a welfare scam. So he sang You Raise Me Up, a bold and unexpected song choice to be sure, in a just so-so manner. I’ll grant him minimal points since he at least was able to diagnose what the problems with the song were, but JLo was right again. Some more. The audition was not strong enough. Clearly he has a seed of something, but this is not American Development Deal Candidate. It’s American Idol and we are supposed to be looking for a star which he is not.
These People May Carry On
Chelsee Oakes and Rob Bolin - Kittens, these two do not look like they go together at all. At all. The hotness differential between the two of them is off the charts. And you could tell that while he might enjoy getting back up in that, she most decidedly would not. Still, they sounded divine together,no? And as soloists? Rob is the shit, y’all. Love that husky timbre in his voice. Kittens, he tore up What’s Goin On. Chelsee sang the song that reminds me of Lacey (The Story) and her crazy red hair and terrible, nails on a chalkboard voice and that’s not a good thing but she had a quirky, interesting voice. Of the two of them, I’d bet folding money he goes farther than she does. As far as the love story goes, darlings, all I can say is whatever. This is not Flavor of Love.
Adrian Beasley – Noodles, let’s just start by acknowledging that the weave is tragic. But then we met Freddie and Carolyn and they are all over adorable but looking at them don’t we totally get the weave now? Alright, then. And in the grand scheme of things the weave doesn’t even matter. Bad hair can be fixed. Well, not by the trannys in hair and make up on this show, but by someone. And bottom line, she has a gorgeous voice. Pure country. I love how much Steven Tyler loves the kids who are good. And when she called her dad who was tickled? Aww. We love her. Love. That’s how you do a backstory as opposed to a sob story.
Side note: And here’s where Steven Tyler started taking in that crazy way that is the only way he has about how he was surely feeling like we’d have all the winners from right here in Nashville. All the winners? Oh, Steven Tyler. You do know there’s only one winner, right?
Jackie Wilson – That was cramazing. This girl can straight up blow. I want to see much more of her. Immediately. And yet, I worry, kiddies. The Target denim mini paired with that tragic t-shirt? The Supercuts hairdo? A style intervention is in order. The tween vote, especially in this, the year of Bieber Hunt, will be all important and I’m just not seeing how Jackie gets there. On a whole other note, noodles, I’m with Ryan in that I totally thought the old dude waiting outside the audition room was her father. Incest on Idol really would be a bridge too far.
I had mixed feelings on the audition three pack. Paul McDonald sounded a lot like Rod Stewart on his rendition of Maggie May but in a fresh and interesting way, not in a I will milk my aging voice for all it’s worth by making standards albums of exponentially diminishing returns way. I enjoy him. Jimmie Allen, I did not enjoy. He was cheesy and loud. And men? Skinny jeans. No. Danny Pate did a damn fine job with Papa was a rolling stone. Funky, funky white boy. We got a couple of ‘em this year, kittens.
Lauren Alaina – 15 year olds. Fuck. The show is trying to make me lose my mind. And darlings, why does this one look 30 while the parents look 15? And why is she so, so , so fake? The dramatic face grab whilst recounting the Saga of Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin? Bitch, please. I hate this girl intensely. And yet . . . and yet. There she was singing my favorite Faith and Tim song, Like we Never Loved At All, and knocking it out of the park. And then bringing in her baby faced family and Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin so that they all could be all cute with my favorite new toy, Steven Tyler and she could turn it out again on that horrible asteroid song from minion of Satan, Diane Warren. Noodles, She can really sing. Still hate her but this one is a comer.
And now we’re mercifully done with Nashville. I barely remember what happened and I just finished writing about it. Bleagh. But on to the next city, kittens. Each night begins the new day?
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