Steven Tyler and I have been made supremely uncomfortable by Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I feel like I need one of those Silkwood showers. Noodles, Gokey 2.0 was foul. Did I cry? Of course I did. I’m not some heartless monster. (Really, I’m not. Just ask my mom) Who could not cry when watching Steven Tyler tenderly kiss the cheek of the palsied woman in the wheelchair while whispering to her about how she is the wind beneath her modestly talented fiance’s wings? No one, that’s who. But on the real? Gokey 2.0 had some serious pitch problems breaking off in that version of Breakeven (that was less fabulous than watching the Backbeats do it on The Sing Off and I didn’t even really like that performance). He also had tragic, Chris Sligh hair and an unfortunate, Andrew Garcia-like quality to his whole vibe. In other words, this kid will never be your next American Idol. And therefore, kiddies, what we were left with to close out our time in miserable Milwaukee was straight up tragedy porn. This awful, awful show took what is essentially a sweetly tragic and yet uplifting story and turned it into a crass amusement that will be buzzed about on the interwebs for a day or two and then forgotten. Dignity, privacy, respect? I guess all that takes a back seat to ratings. Damn you, SiNi. Although, in reality, can we really place all the blame on Cecile Frot-Coutaz and Co? I must now be forced to write words in praise of the Fivehead and y’all know how much that pains me. Fivehead’s brother was struggling with cancer his entire season. Whoops, make that his entire winning season. And yet, I never got a whiff of it except through fandom. He never brought it up on the show and he didn’t allow the producers to, I don’t know, film his brother while he was having chemo or some other shit that would’ve forced us to bear witness to what should be a private family struggle. Chris Medina could’ve just said no and tried to let his voice do all the work. Sigh. I blame all the badness on the presence of Frikkin’ Gokey. He ruins everything.
Aaah, now that’s done. So what did we think of the rest of the show? Well, it wasn’t good, no? Two hours of screen time and only 12 Golden Tickets that we saw get passed out (only 53 over the course of the entire two days)? And of those 12, kittens, how many of them have even an outside shot at making it to the Kodak theater? Uh huh. It was like that. The rest of the show was full up with shitty DJs who don’t want to be singers and Civil War reenactors who don’t want to move out of their dad’s basement. Did we really need to see another big girl maim Minnie Riperton’s Loving You? How many times have we seen it before? Bad Barak Obama impersonators. Has it really come to this? I mean, holy hell, noodles, they put Ryan in a modified Members Only jacket. Steven Tyler continues to rock and it’s lovely to see JLo growing a spine, but that’s not enough to sustain two hours worth of some of the most egregious reality TV bullshit I’ve seen in a while. The SiNi should’ve known that nothing good could come of Frikkin’ Gokey’s hometown and slotted this one in for an hour. Give the two hours to New Orleans where you had actual good singers and charming eccentrics.
Slap that baby on the ass and call me Christmas, noodles. Let’s do this.
Hellfire, Save Matches, Fuck a Duck and See What Hatches
Scotty Mcreary – 16 is already too old to be called Scotty unless you are the engineer on the Star Trek Enterprise. This kid has a beautiful, deep bass voice and he did a great job with Your Man by Josh Turner and a less good but still promising job with Put Some Drive in Your Country by Travis Tritt. He’s good. And thankfully seems to be mature for his age. But darlings, I still do not want this kid on my AI. Is he versatile enough to break it down on disco night? Are you salivating to hear him twang his way through a Bon Jovi classic during Rock Week? Do we really think he’s the next American Idol? Of course we don’t, because we are not crazy. I think this kid could be a country superstar, but not in the Underwood-ian country-pop mode that can win this show. He’s a throwback to a Randy Travis style country singer, as the Dawg so astutely pointed out in his contractually mandated 1.5 seconds of relevance per season. He’s a nice kid and I’ll be glad to see him leave on Top 7 week.
Naima Adedapo – Dear Ryan and show. Nobody knows what Summerfest is and Frikkin Gokey is not a star. Kisses, Me. Now, on to Naima. She’s gorgeous. Love her look and whole vibe. Lover her multi-culti, Arrested Development family. Love the shaggy, unshaven underarms. Work! She sang For All We Know by Donny Hathaway and it was pretty damn awesome. She could always go the way of quirky singers of seasons past, but I’m not getting a Tattoo Sleeve vibe from her. I’m tentatively interested. And the JLo/Steven Tyler snark-fest when Jenny from the Block tried to call him Steve? Aww, yeah. It’s Steven Tyler, JLo. Don’t get it twisted. Always the full name. Ha! And then JLo got salty. Kittens, I sense a JLo/Steven Tyler diva-off in the near future and I cannot wait. Steven Tyler may be the more obvious favorite due to his drug use and freakishly strong, skinny limbs, but my money’s on JLo. She will turn that Manolo heel into an ice pick and stab you through the eye. Then when you are down, sit on you with that big old booty. And she can always call in her ghoul husband to chow down on you zombie style if things get too out of control.
Jerome Bell – Was a cutie pie. He needs to lose the bucket hat. And his mom is fabulous! I see you, mama! And Ryan with mom cracking another joke about how he is such a wee pocket sprite? Love! So, Jerome here chose to sing Let’s Get It on and as you all know, kiddies, this song can’t not be cheesy, which I guess makes sense since he’s a wedding singer and they are cheesy by definition. Despite all that, he managed to make me fall a teensy bit in love with him. All the –isms, none of the was-isms. Indeed, Steven Tyler of my heart, indeed. Kittens, we like this one.
Molly DeWolf Swensen – Oh people are gonna hate on this girl so hard. Harvard grad. White House Intern. But darlings, I submit to you that we watched this poor creature get smacked in the face by Randy Jackson. Oh, the humanity! Hasn’t she earned a teensy bit of a break? Sittin’ on the Dock of Bay is fast becoming this year’s overworked audition song, no? She has a pretty voice, although I found the arrangement to be a little weird and off putting. I mean, that’s a nice lower register, but when she switched it up on the chorus it was almost like she was singing two different songs. For me for her, she’s OK but nothing special. Total cannon fodder. Therefore, I sincerely hope she’s a more talented civil servant, because she’s not got what it takes to be a pop star. I won’t remember her tomorrow. I will remember those red pumps, though. Fierce!
Fashion Side Note: While JLo’s treble clef shirt and mini-poodle skirt made her look like the mayor of Crazy Town, the bitch’s coat was fabulous! She is killing it with the array of natty trenches. And Steven Tyler showed up in yet another cracked out chapeau. It’s getting so I almost look fondly on the hate in my heart I harbor for every single one of those silly ass scarves he rocks.
Scott Dangerfield – He sang Amos Lee’s Dreaming, a song which I do not know at all and I don’t think I’m sad about that. But kittens, forget about the song choice and check the voice on this kid. Work it the hell on out, pasty white boy. What? He’s ridiculous. I’m with JLo in thinking he’s one of the best we’ve seen yet.
Whoop – Pow*
*That’s the sound Steven Tyler makes when he is shooting imaginary rubber bands at fools who can’t sing or are beneath him and are taking up his time with all their inability to become out next American Idol, just like this batch below.
Emma Henry – The skunk hair, faux Avril, wannabe the female Beiber, learners permit stank of entitlement coming off this one was almost more than I could bear from the jump. From the jump, noodles. And she’s 15. And the bitch can’t sing. Her rendition of True Colors sounded like me in the shower or like every other 15 year old in the world with a halfway decent voice who gets up and singes Cyndi Lauper at the neighborhood karaoke joint/sushi bar. That spot right there in the middle? Right around “Don’t be afraid to let them show.” Yeah, those notes were not of the lord. I mean she’s a cute girl and all and I’m sure it was really really sad to have to crush her dreams, but really? Sigh. Is this what it’s come to now, kittens? JLo is the tough one!?! Goddamn, judges panel. They know this girl won’t last one round in Hollywood. I’m accustomed to the Dawg being useless, but Steven Tyler really let me down on this one.
Thia Megia – Is not terrible. I think she has a nice voice, though she was desperately trying too hard to sound “funky”. She sand Chasing Pavements in this oddly affected way when I really just wanted her to sing it straight. And darlings, don’t you truly think she wouldn’t have made that mistake, that trying to take yourself too seriously and trying soo hard that the seams start showing, if she’d been just a teensy bit older and more sure of herself and sure of who she was as a performer? She should’ve waited, noodles . What’s worse, the SiNi continue to put through mad young kids in their ill guided attempt to find the next Bieber. As I said last week, I’m skeerid.
Haley Reinhardt – Eh, she’s fine. She got put through mainly because Steven Tyler would like to get in her pants, which should be gross and yet is somehow still charming when it’s coming from him which I guess is just part of the Steven Tyler magic. So this trick sang Oh, Darling in a very loud is the new good kind of way, and I suppose she can sing but why do all these kids have to oversing and throw every single run into a song just because they think they can? If I thought she could learn to tone it down and not be so loud is the new good, I might think she’s got a little something something. But she can’t and I don’t so what does it matter? Cannon fodder. Next.
Tyjuan (OK, it’s actually Tiwan, but I was close) – This kid has a good voice, but oh my stars, he is cheese on toast. We’ve finally started seeing some more authentic contenders for the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot and then this fool shows up and I see Big Mike, Part Deux. No. No. No. And his whole family outside rocking that Tyler Perry Madea shtick? Ewwwww. I hate this crew. Hate him. Hate the family. Please god, no.
Steve Beghun – It really could’ve gone either way with this CPA, couldn’t it? I mean, the vocals were OK, but not so great that they couldn’t have turned this into a joke audition if they’d wanted to. So Steven Tyler thought he was disturbingly great and weirdly compelling and I vehemently disagreed on the great and the compelling parts of those statements yet still I acknowledge that both of them were lovely turns of phrases from him, as always. This fool will never make it to the live shows. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s one of those types we just never see again, so I hoped he enjoyed his 15 minutes. Maybe it will add to his client list. Anyway, good luck at H&R Block because you’ll not win this show.
Alyson Jodas – Eww. I hate you already. Kittens, gather round for some home truths. If you have to announce to the world that you are an edgy, rocker girl, then you are not an edgy rocker girl. In fact, you are probably a tool who looks desperate in too tight, too cheap clothing with bad makeup and a Supercuts hairdo. Steven Tyler brought the real critique with this girl. Her Come Together was nothing more than passable and her Dream On was regrettable, but I blame Randy for that. And it did give Steven Tyler an opportunity to show us how a rock and roll screen is really done and help us wash away the nightmarish memories of the Gokey scream, so I take a little of the blame away from Randy. But I digress. Noodles, all the judges know that Alyson Jodas will not make anyone forget Manic Panic. She might not even make anyone forget Alexis Grace. I mean, you don’t really have to be a great singer to become a rock star, but this girl doesn’t have that what it is-ness. She got put through for being on Steven Tyler’s jock, which I get it. Who isn’t? She’ll be gone faster than Steve Beghun. They might even hop on a flight back to Milwaukee together after being summarily dismissed from Hollywood Week.
Chris Medina –Frikkin’ Gokey 2.0. So he sang Break Even by The Script and he was flat all over the place and then he was better in the falsetto but still nothing overwhelmingly great. And then the whole segment got so exploitative and nasty and just, eww. Seriously, family, I need a shower. This show makes me hate humanity.
I Liked It, But I’m Not Sure It’s right for American Idol
This is Steven Tyler code for “shit sucked like a Hoover.” And it’s also a perfect description of our Milwaukee episode. Kittens, I enjoyed it because I enjoy this show and I am above all reality TV’s bitch, but it wasn’t good. And it didn’t get us any closer to finding our next American Idol except for maybe a handful of cases (at least from what we saw). The show had been doing such a good job of balancing the crap with the substance, and here they just fell totally off the wagon. Please do better in Nashville, Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi. Steven Tyler can’t do this alone.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 2 We Ain’t Do What You Tell Us To Jockomo Feena Nay
As Ryan could so adorably not say at all last night, laissez les bon temps rouler, darlings. AI is on a roll right now. I know it’s only two episodes in and we’ve been burned before, but all props to Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi because they’ve managed this reboot masterfully thus far. Steven Tyler is a monument to crazy and debauched lechery and he can somehow make incest, BDSM, superstar blow jobs and narcissism endearing all while wearing a tiny, feather adorned top hat. Bless. JLo must be bathing in virgin blood every night the bitch looks so dewy and luminous. And the Dawg is . . . there. And substantially less annoying than he used to be? That’s something.
And the talent? Well, kittens, the talent on display last night was through the roof. I’m not in love with all seven Golden Ticket holders we saw. In fact, some of them are highly problematic. But those problems don’t stem from poor vocals and that’s a huge thing, no? Not one kid went through who couldn’t sing at least a little. Maybe the vocal stylings were not to my taste or the voice didn’t set the world on fire, but they were all pleasant, and a few of them were downright awesome.
And the production was on point. They kept the costumes and Mardi Gras shenanigans down to a minimum. They showed a baby faced, S4 Ryan at his absolute most adorable. They worked Amos Moses into the episode score which calls for major props. They only had one slave plantation reference, which showed major restraint. The train wreck auditions were mercifully few and far between.
Don’t let the smooth taste fool you, family. There was still lots to hate on in the Big Easy and we’ll get there. But for me for you, for now, I’m definitely feeling that old feeling again
Down in New Orleans, Land of Dreams
Jordan Dorsey – Is a music teacher. And he’s so sweet and well mannered and his family is love and full of full figured black women as only the south can make them who called Ryan out for the wee pocket sprite that he is and it was just all so cute and then they went and plopped an adorable child on top to sing Jordan’s praises and it could’ve all gone so very, very wrong, couldn’t it noodles? But then the best thing ever happened because it didn’t go wrong at all. Instead, it all went very, very right. This gorgeous creature stepped into the room and sang one of the most played out, cliché songs in the Idol catalogue, Over the Rainbow, and he did what? He made it his own. RIP, Pau-Pau. This kid is straight up gold. What’s not to love? Nothing? OK, then. Kittens, it’s been so long since a black man had even a whisper of a hint of a chance to come close to being your next American Idol. Could the long, post-Ruben dry spell finally be over? I don’t know. I’ve been born by smooth singing soul crooners before. But this kid seems like he could be legit. Jordan Dorsey has got the what it is-ness.
Sarah Sellers – Is gorgeous in an unexpected and understated way. Her mouth is gorgeous, although we did not need to ponder whether or not Steven Tyler was her illegitimate papa, Randy and the whole vibe made Steven Tyler hitting on her skeevy in a way that his normal pervy tendencies have not been to date. On the flip side, she’s a blogger. Hey, girl, hey. And her rendition of Make You Feel My Love was the hotness. You had me sold from the moment you laid eyes on me. Amen, Steven Tyler. Amen. She may not be pop enough to win this show. Kiddies, I think we may be looking at the Brooke or the Didi Benami of the season. But since I loved Brooke and Didi, I’m good with that.
Paris Tassin – Darlings, don’t you know how much mama wanted to hate all over this girl and her special needs baby? Sob story. Teen mom. Bored now. But then she forced me to kind of love her through the sheer force of her complete and total awesomeness during her audition right up to and including acknowledging that her nerves led her to slaughter the last notes of La Underwood’s Temporary Home all to hell even though the judges didn’t notice through their tears. I had no idea this girl would be that good. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice. Wow. She doesn’t even need the sob story. I’m mad at the sob story. If they keep it up, I’ll wind up hating Paris more than Frikkin’ Gokey and it won’t matter how often they trot out the cute little special needs daughter so that JLo can plant a loving kiss on her forehead while wearing a fetching trench coat. Let us fall in love with her voice and her (seemingly) sweet personality. Leave the sob story at home.
Gonna Set Your Flag on Fire
Jovany Barreto – Is very cute, but not nearly as cute as he thinks he is. And Mark Anthony is his personal idol? Oh, baby, no. He sang Contigo en la Distancia in a very specific, Latin Pop kind of way and I suppose he did alright. I can see him carving out a place for himself somewhere between Luis Mi and Chayenne. He’s probably not right for the English language pop market, though. And noodles, was it just me, or was this kid giving off a distinctly Loud PR Boy vibe? And of course he’s got a lot of making up to do for inflicting Randy Jackson belly on an unsuspecting world. My god, I’m blind. My eyes. My eyes!
Jacquelyn Dupree – So this girl was wholly unremarkable. She did Carrie’s version of I’ll Stand By You. (La Underwood had a banner evening, no?) She’s probably never heard of The Pretenders. She has a decent voice that she clearly has no idea what to do with. The only reason she got so much play is because Steven Tyler took her uncle to the paddle play place and forced us all to contemplate whether Randy’s ass is, in fact, so big that it would break a paddle like a toothpick. Thank you, Jacquelyn. Thank you. You’re dismissed. Although I will say that knowing Randy is from Baton Rouge explains a lot. A lot. Country ass.
Brett Loewenstern – Is such a special little snowflake and way too tragic to be on my TV right now. His Bohemian Rhapsody was lovely and his folks are my new favorite folks ever. The dad looks like a real life Burt Hummel. But seriously, y'all? He is way too It Gets Better to go on this show. He doesn't know mocking yet. Wait until Vote for the Worst gets hold of him. And he's so everything in your face all the time, which makes sense because he's 16, but I am exhausted just looking at him, kittens. I did enjoy him and Steven Tyler just being all freaky at each other and clucking like chickens. But in general? Nope. Don't want him on the show long enough that he'll get that John Stevens "get me out of this death camp please god no more Gloria Estefan night" glare. He should go somewhere and make whiny YouTube videos for a couple of years and then come back and see me. Fucking teens. Gah.
Jacee Badeaux – May be 15, but he looks 10. He sang Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and , you know, he has a beautiful voice, but when it changes once he starts puberty, he’s gonna be fucked. Kittens, we all know that Hollywood is going to mess him up as he's not, how do you say? A traditional looking pop idol. I mean, he’s so fat he couldn’t even jump for joy when they gave him his Golden Ticket. He seems like a such a sweet child and he has a voice like an angel. Why put him through the AI fame grinder? It’s grotesque.
I’m Glad to Be, Yesiree, In the Land of Reverie
37 Golden Tickets in just one day? Not bad Nawlins. There were other folks beside the golden seven, but really we can break them down into a few key lessons, many of which we’ve learned before. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, Mick Jagger mouth) Parents, don’t send your kids to Idol Camp unless you want them to turn out to be pathetic. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, too, Alex Attardo) If you come to your AI audition in an elaborate costume, you will be winding up in a loser’s montage. These are the eternal truths, kittens.
As is only right, let’s close with a Tylerism: “You know what they say about a little hat? It’s good for a little head.” What does that mean in this context, noodles? What does it ever mean? It’s a tale told by a fool, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It’s the what it is-ness. Jump in it.
And the talent? Well, kittens, the talent on display last night was through the roof. I’m not in love with all seven Golden Ticket holders we saw. In fact, some of them are highly problematic. But those problems don’t stem from poor vocals and that’s a huge thing, no? Not one kid went through who couldn’t sing at least a little. Maybe the vocal stylings were not to my taste or the voice didn’t set the world on fire, but they were all pleasant, and a few of them were downright awesome.
And the production was on point. They kept the costumes and Mardi Gras shenanigans down to a minimum. They showed a baby faced, S4 Ryan at his absolute most adorable. They worked Amos Moses into the episode score which calls for major props. They only had one slave plantation reference, which showed major restraint. The train wreck auditions were mercifully few and far between.
Don’t let the smooth taste fool you, family. There was still lots to hate on in the Big Easy and we’ll get there. But for me for you, for now, I’m definitely feeling that old feeling again
Down in New Orleans, Land of Dreams
Jordan Dorsey – Is a music teacher. And he’s so sweet and well mannered and his family is love and full of full figured black women as only the south can make them who called Ryan out for the wee pocket sprite that he is and it was just all so cute and then they went and plopped an adorable child on top to sing Jordan’s praises and it could’ve all gone so very, very wrong, couldn’t it noodles? But then the best thing ever happened because it didn’t go wrong at all. Instead, it all went very, very right. This gorgeous creature stepped into the room and sang one of the most played out, cliché songs in the Idol catalogue, Over the Rainbow, and he did what? He made it his own. RIP, Pau-Pau. This kid is straight up gold. What’s not to love? Nothing? OK, then. Kittens, it’s been so long since a black man had even a whisper of a hint of a chance to come close to being your next American Idol. Could the long, post-Ruben dry spell finally be over? I don’t know. I’ve been born by smooth singing soul crooners before. But this kid seems like he could be legit. Jordan Dorsey has got the what it is-ness.
Sarah Sellers – Is gorgeous in an unexpected and understated way. Her mouth is gorgeous, although we did not need to ponder whether or not Steven Tyler was her illegitimate papa, Randy and the whole vibe made Steven Tyler hitting on her skeevy in a way that his normal pervy tendencies have not been to date. On the flip side, she’s a blogger. Hey, girl, hey. And her rendition of Make You Feel My Love was the hotness. You had me sold from the moment you laid eyes on me. Amen, Steven Tyler. Amen. She may not be pop enough to win this show. Kiddies, I think we may be looking at the Brooke or the Didi Benami of the season. But since I loved Brooke and Didi, I’m good with that.
Paris Tassin – Darlings, don’t you know how much mama wanted to hate all over this girl and her special needs baby? Sob story. Teen mom. Bored now. But then she forced me to kind of love her through the sheer force of her complete and total awesomeness during her audition right up to and including acknowledging that her nerves led her to slaughter the last notes of La Underwood’s Temporary Home all to hell even though the judges didn’t notice through their tears. I had no idea this girl would be that good. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice. Wow. She doesn’t even need the sob story. I’m mad at the sob story. If they keep it up, I’ll wind up hating Paris more than Frikkin’ Gokey and it won’t matter how often they trot out the cute little special needs daughter so that JLo can plant a loving kiss on her forehead while wearing a fetching trench coat. Let us fall in love with her voice and her (seemingly) sweet personality. Leave the sob story at home.
Gonna Set Your Flag on Fire
Jovany Barreto – Is very cute, but not nearly as cute as he thinks he is. And Mark Anthony is his personal idol? Oh, baby, no. He sang Contigo en la Distancia in a very specific, Latin Pop kind of way and I suppose he did alright. I can see him carving out a place for himself somewhere between Luis Mi and Chayenne. He’s probably not right for the English language pop market, though. And noodles, was it just me, or was this kid giving off a distinctly Loud PR Boy vibe? And of course he’s got a lot of making up to do for inflicting Randy Jackson belly on an unsuspecting world. My god, I’m blind. My eyes. My eyes!
Jacquelyn Dupree – So this girl was wholly unremarkable. She did Carrie’s version of I’ll Stand By You. (La Underwood had a banner evening, no?) She’s probably never heard of The Pretenders. She has a decent voice that she clearly has no idea what to do with. The only reason she got so much play is because Steven Tyler took her uncle to the paddle play place and forced us all to contemplate whether Randy’s ass is, in fact, so big that it would break a paddle like a toothpick. Thank you, Jacquelyn. Thank you. You’re dismissed. Although I will say that knowing Randy is from Baton Rouge explains a lot. A lot. Country ass.
Brett Loewenstern – Is such a special little snowflake and way too tragic to be on my TV right now. His Bohemian Rhapsody was lovely and his folks are my new favorite folks ever. The dad looks like a real life Burt Hummel. But seriously, y'all? He is way too It Gets Better to go on this show. He doesn't know mocking yet. Wait until Vote for the Worst gets hold of him. And he's so everything in your face all the time, which makes sense because he's 16, but I am exhausted just looking at him, kittens. I did enjoy him and Steven Tyler just being all freaky at each other and clucking like chickens. But in general? Nope. Don't want him on the show long enough that he'll get that John Stevens "get me out of this death camp please god no more Gloria Estefan night" glare. He should go somewhere and make whiny YouTube videos for a couple of years and then come back and see me. Fucking teens. Gah.
Jacee Badeaux – May be 15, but he looks 10. He sang Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and , you know, he has a beautiful voice, but when it changes once he starts puberty, he’s gonna be fucked. Kittens, we all know that Hollywood is going to mess him up as he's not, how do you say? A traditional looking pop idol. I mean, he’s so fat he couldn’t even jump for joy when they gave him his Golden Ticket. He seems like a such a sweet child and he has a voice like an angel. Why put him through the AI fame grinder? It’s grotesque.
I’m Glad to Be, Yesiree, In the Land of Reverie
37 Golden Tickets in just one day? Not bad Nawlins. There were other folks beside the golden seven, but really we can break them down into a few key lessons, many of which we’ve learned before. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, Mick Jagger mouth) Parents, don’t send your kids to Idol Camp unless you want them to turn out to be pathetic. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, too, Alex Attardo) If you come to your AI audition in an elaborate costume, you will be winding up in a loser’s montage. These are the eternal truths, kittens.
As is only right, let’s close with a Tylerism: “You know what they say about a little hat? It’s good for a little head.” What does that mean in this context, noodles? What does it ever mean? It’s a tale told by a fool, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It’s the what it is-ness. Jump in it.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 1 Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
THE NEW AI CREDITS WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT AI IS BACK AND BIGGER AND BADDER THAN EVER (They had to put in Lee Dewyze. You made them do it. They didn’t want to and he’ll be gone real quick) AND THEY HAVE LEGITIMATE MUSIC SUPERSTARS. LOOK, IT’S STEVEN TYLER AND HIS ENORMOUS MOUTH (SOUL PATCH INCLUDED FREE OF CHARGE) AND HIS TIRED TIRED MICHAEL JOHNS-IAN SCARVES. JLO AND HER BIG BOOTY WRAPPED UP LIKE A SPARKLY BAKED POTATO. JIMMY IV – A REAL, RELEVANT MUSIC PRODUCER. AND RANDY’S THERE, TOO. SORRY ABOUT THAT ONE. BUT HEY, THEY ARE STILL TOTALLY AWESOME.
Kittens, despite the fact that AI started the night screaming at us and wildly overcompensating for the impending lack of Simon, the Season 10 premier was more enjoyable than it had any right to be and definitely greater than the sum of its parts. This was due largely to the fact that those parts included the fabulous Steven Tyler who washed away bad memories of years of Judge #4 and Ellen with a couple of patented scream-sing sessions and the coinage of classic Tyler-isms like “what it is-ness.” Kittens, we are going to looooove Steven Tyler (Full name always required. Bow down). Oh, yes. We are.
Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. JLo showed some potential to be a more coherent cream puff than Paula (while still rocking the egregiously bad fashion and glitter that we’ve come to miss so much since the rainbow loving/colors of your voice spouting space case went off to make the worst dance show in the history of creation). But seriously, darlings? Bitch has got to grow a tougher hide. Most of the kids they put through last night haven’t a chance in hell of being your next American Idol. JLo, we don’t want compassion. We want you to bring the Latina diva bitch like we know you can. Just pretend like the kids are Mark trying to get a little taste and do what comes naturally. We’ve all seen the ghoul you call a husband. We know you know how to say “No.”
And that brings us to the fact that the talent on display was very slim pickings and if this season turns into a teenage fantasy land while we search in vain for America’s next Bieber, I will cut somebody. It’s bad enough that the minimum age has been reduced to 15, but now we get lackluster “talent” like Kenzie Palmer (Follow your instincts, Steven Tyler. This girl has no pizazz) or straight up annoying, no talent kids like Victoria Huggins(?), who is nothing but a baby Tati D. waiting to explode with crazy all over the Hollywood stage. This is what we’re left with? Fuck that noise, noodles. For every Manic Panic or D’Archie, there are a hundred Chicken Littles and John Stevens. No 16 year olds on Idol. I refuse.
In reality, only two or three people got through who have any shot to make it to the show, kiddies. The rest was pure fodder. When you add that to the bad Jersey Shore parodies, the presence of Constantine (Ewwwwww), the continued uselessness of the Dawg (Although, I’ll admit he was a little better last night), my pretty orange Seacrest candy in jeans and a button down, no, no, no . . . well, it really shouldn’t have worked. But it did. Noodles, Steven Tyler is magic! Let me count the ways.
Steven Tyler Defines The What-it-is-ness
Tiffany Rios – Or as I like to call her, Jersey Shore Start Tits Girl. Y’all, I was all set to hate on this trick. Despite the adorableness of Ryan doing the Jersey fist pump, this loud PR girl had fail written all over her with her booty obssession (Steven Tyler checking the ass? Classic!) and her JLo tears and her original song, which has only ever been pulled off one time successfully (Natty! I still want that song in itunes). And then dammit, turned out the bitch can actually sing. Tiffany Rios, listen to JLo, darling, for she is wise if annoyingly spineless. Shut up and sing. Leave the carnival at the door. Oh and no more Celine Dion. I’m Your Lady? Really? With the kneeling on the ground and the running fingers through the hair and caressing yourself in ways that make us all uncomfortable? Yeah, stop that right now.
Devyn Rush – This 20 year old singing waitress can really sing. And she is cute as a button and has the likability factor in spades. Right now, she’s kinda too quirky for American Idol. JLo continued her streak of focusing on the image side of the business without being egregiously obnoxious like some former judges I could name but won’t because she’s gone and good riddance, Ptui, let us never speak of her again. Bottom line is that when Steven Tyler feels in a position to bust on your clothes, you’ve got some work to do on your image, darlings. Image aside, Devyn handled her business on God Bless the Child. She might have gotten a little inflection heavy towards the middle there and I think that threw off the pace of the song so she seemed out of time for a second, but all that aside, she can blow. I got my eye on this one.
Travis Orlando – Yes, he’s 16. And he brought a sob story and you know I so don’t care. And he was riding the singer/songwriter quirky voice thing for all it was worth and that whole pastiche was cliché 3 or 4 seasons ago let along today. And despite all that, I really, really liked this kid. He’s too damn young and I wish he’d waited maybe 3 more years before trying out. And he has a good, but not great voice. But he had savvy song choices. Eleanor Rigby and Mraz (I’m Yours is overused on this show, but he knew it and was sheepish about having to sing it) fit his vibe perfectly. And kittens, in a couple of years this kid is going to be insanely gorgeous. I mean, he’s beautiful. And I’m shallow like that, so I liked him. He has the what it is-ness.
Steven Tyler Is Not Sure Singing Is Your Forte
Rachel Zevita – Like JLo, I did remember this opera girl after a tick. Sadly, she’s 22 now and kind of annoying. And she sang Hallelujah which should never be sung again on this show as it is owned by Jason Castro not to mention played out. And she apparently can’t sing all that well these days. All of which the judges acknowledged before inexplicably putting her through anyway based on nostalgia. They shouldn’t have let this girl through. Her audition sucked ass. On to the next one, kiddies.
Caleb Holly – Looks like a scruffy child molester. Darlings, this kid had a fun audition and I did enjoy Steven Tyler getting his groove on to his funky white boy sound. And I’ll give him a little credit for singing a song that I haven’t heard eleven million times before. But he’ll never make it through an entire season of this show. He has modest talent at best. I guess every season needs its fodder, and if we have to have bar band singers, this kid is less offensive than most. Eh.
Kenzie Palmer – Steven Tyler thinks our first 15 year old has not pizazz. And Steven Tyler is right, as he so often is. This girl is cute, but boring. She has an OK voice. But there is nothing special about her at all. JLo put her through because she’s cute. Randy went along because he’s stupid. Steven Tyler went along because he’s high. (You know it’s true, y’all!) She’s about as captivating as your average 15 year old with no life experience, which is to say not very.
Ashley Sullivan – Kiddies, is this the most immature 25 year old you have ever seen or am I just crazy? She hops around like an ADHD kid without her Ritalin and she wants to model her Liza Minelli meets pop career on Brit Brit’s? Yeah, I’m gonna have to throw the flag on that one. This girl exhausts me and just . . . I can’t. She has a great Broadway Voice and Gimme Gimme was an inspired song choice. JLo had it right when she noted that hers is not a pop voice at all. She needs to be on Broadway Idol. Well, really she doesn’t need to be on any Idol because this girl is a trainwreck. A big old ball of need and exhibitionism and delusions and she makes Norman Gentle look understated and sadly the judges were swayed by her antics and put her through to Hollywood where her competitors will likely beat her to death in the group round. Kittens, our new judges should’ve listened to the Dawg. He knows crazy when he sees it. Did I just say that? I need to go somewhere and catch my breath.
Melinda Ademi – Is from Kosovo and has a sob story about which I do not care at all. She tried to get her Alicia Keys on. She has a pretty tone to her admittedly kinda thin voice and nice control. But she’s 16. I think she might be better in a couple of years. Wish she’d waited. Darlings, I’ll say it again, they are putting through a grip of teens. I’m skeerid.
Steven Tyler Thinks You Scared Everybody in the Room
There were lots of losers on the show last night, some of whom we were meant to laugh at and some of whom were inexplicably put through. We’re going to handle them all in a jumble because whack is whack.
Achille from the Ivory Coast – I got through this audition by pretending that this woman was really a performance artist named Latoya from West Elem, NJ and she was having a lark on all of us by playing this Achille character. Because if that’s not true, kiddies, then wow. It’s tight on the Ivory Coast. Madonna has done a lot of bad things since she decided to pretend to be British, but Dress You Up did not deserve this.
Melkia Wheatfell – Singing Home. See this is where I wanted to say, “Don’t feel bad, JLo. That shit was ridiculous.” Noodles, she’s gotta toughen up or she’s never going to make it through the season.
Robbie Rosen – Every season it’s the same old shit. Kittens, if you know me, then you can guess where this is going to go. Nobody cares that you were in a wheelchair. We don’t care that you had Pumps ‘n a Bump-it is. It’s sad for you that your parents have tried to erase part of your childhood. Can you sing? Then bring it. And he’s 16. Oh, hell to the no. I guess he’s a fine singer for his Nana’s birthday party, school talent shows, etc. But this fool is not a pop star. And he’s damn sure not your next American Idol, especially not with that schnozz, so why put him through? So far, the judges are grading on a serious curve.
Chris Cordeiro – Noodles, he was just the saddest thing I have ever seen. And a terrible advertisement for Scouting. And My Way? Wow. I . . . well . . . I mean . . . no words. And the mom clutching my Ryan in her death grip. Who? What? And here’s where Steven Tyler called out his man bangs and told him he scared everybody in the room. I Frikkin’ love this man.
Side Note: Kittens, I do believe the nervous burping dude was actually the same kid without the bangs and the bucket hat, right? Michael Perotto my tushie. It’s Chris Cordeiro with a five o’clock shadow. I refuse. Though I did love JLo’s whispered “Make it stop.” I know, JLo. I know.
Victoria Huggins – 16? Umm, no. Just no. She’s so annoying. I just want to kick her in the gut. And the air guitar thing. And she tried to sing a twangy version of Midnight Train to Georgia. Really? Gladys will cut you. Bitch, please. I hate this girl. Haaaattteee.
Brielle Von Hugel – Another 16 year old? WTF, Idol? And her stage dad is not cute. And the hair flower is ridiculous. And I obviously don’t care that her stage dad has cancer. Maybe he’ll die and she’ll be too distraught to continue on in hopes of becoming the America’s next top Idol. And she sang Endless Love. Hate sealed. And she can’t sing. Good times. She will not get a whiff of Top 10. Next.
Steven Tyler Wants to Know If You Ate Paint Chips as a Child
I really didn’t, darlings. I know that’s a huge imbalance between the good, the bad, and the ugly, but somehow it really did all work. The judges had way too much fun with the losers parade – singing, dancing, snarking. You almost wore those shorts. Oh, Steven Tyler! You card. The editors showed a big girl tumbling down the stairs and big girls falling is always funny. And there were only a couple of people (Yoji Pop, I’m looking at you) who made me extremely tired. They gave away 51 Golden Tickets in NJ which is damn. And there’s still plenty of time for things to fall completely off the rails. Hell, this time last year, I was still really enjoying Ellen on the panel. But all in all, this show made me kind of excited for the coming season, and I can’t really ask more of Cecile Frot-Coutaz, and the SiNi (Simon and Nigel). Just keep the Tyler-isms flowing and we should be in for one hell of a ride.
Kittens, despite the fact that AI started the night screaming at us and wildly overcompensating for the impending lack of Simon, the Season 10 premier was more enjoyable than it had any right to be and definitely greater than the sum of its parts. This was due largely to the fact that those parts included the fabulous Steven Tyler who washed away bad memories of years of Judge #4 and Ellen with a couple of patented scream-sing sessions and the coinage of classic Tyler-isms like “what it is-ness.” Kittens, we are going to looooove Steven Tyler (Full name always required. Bow down). Oh, yes. We are.
Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. JLo showed some potential to be a more coherent cream puff than Paula (while still rocking the egregiously bad fashion and glitter that we’ve come to miss so much since the rainbow loving/colors of your voice spouting space case went off to make the worst dance show in the history of creation). But seriously, darlings? Bitch has got to grow a tougher hide. Most of the kids they put through last night haven’t a chance in hell of being your next American Idol. JLo, we don’t want compassion. We want you to bring the Latina diva bitch like we know you can. Just pretend like the kids are Mark trying to get a little taste and do what comes naturally. We’ve all seen the ghoul you call a husband. We know you know how to say “No.”
And that brings us to the fact that the talent on display was very slim pickings and if this season turns into a teenage fantasy land while we search in vain for America’s next Bieber, I will cut somebody. It’s bad enough that the minimum age has been reduced to 15, but now we get lackluster “talent” like Kenzie Palmer (Follow your instincts, Steven Tyler. This girl has no pizazz) or straight up annoying, no talent kids like Victoria Huggins(?), who is nothing but a baby Tati D. waiting to explode with crazy all over the Hollywood stage. This is what we’re left with? Fuck that noise, noodles. For every Manic Panic or D’Archie, there are a hundred Chicken Littles and John Stevens. No 16 year olds on Idol. I refuse.
In reality, only two or three people got through who have any shot to make it to the show, kiddies. The rest was pure fodder. When you add that to the bad Jersey Shore parodies, the presence of Constantine (Ewwwwww), the continued uselessness of the Dawg (Although, I’ll admit he was a little better last night), my pretty orange Seacrest candy in jeans and a button down, no, no, no . . . well, it really shouldn’t have worked. But it did. Noodles, Steven Tyler is magic! Let me count the ways.
Steven Tyler Defines The What-it-is-ness
Tiffany Rios – Or as I like to call her, Jersey Shore Start Tits Girl. Y’all, I was all set to hate on this trick. Despite the adorableness of Ryan doing the Jersey fist pump, this loud PR girl had fail written all over her with her booty obssession (Steven Tyler checking the ass? Classic!) and her JLo tears and her original song, which has only ever been pulled off one time successfully (Natty! I still want that song in itunes). And then dammit, turned out the bitch can actually sing. Tiffany Rios, listen to JLo, darling, for she is wise if annoyingly spineless. Shut up and sing. Leave the carnival at the door. Oh and no more Celine Dion. I’m Your Lady? Really? With the kneeling on the ground and the running fingers through the hair and caressing yourself in ways that make us all uncomfortable? Yeah, stop that right now.
Devyn Rush – This 20 year old singing waitress can really sing. And she is cute as a button and has the likability factor in spades. Right now, she’s kinda too quirky for American Idol. JLo continued her streak of focusing on the image side of the business without being egregiously obnoxious like some former judges I could name but won’t because she’s gone and good riddance, Ptui, let us never speak of her again. Bottom line is that when Steven Tyler feels in a position to bust on your clothes, you’ve got some work to do on your image, darlings. Image aside, Devyn handled her business on God Bless the Child. She might have gotten a little inflection heavy towards the middle there and I think that threw off the pace of the song so she seemed out of time for a second, but all that aside, she can blow. I got my eye on this one.
Travis Orlando – Yes, he’s 16. And he brought a sob story and you know I so don’t care. And he was riding the singer/songwriter quirky voice thing for all it was worth and that whole pastiche was cliché 3 or 4 seasons ago let along today. And despite all that, I really, really liked this kid. He’s too damn young and I wish he’d waited maybe 3 more years before trying out. And he has a good, but not great voice. But he had savvy song choices. Eleanor Rigby and Mraz (I’m Yours is overused on this show, but he knew it and was sheepish about having to sing it) fit his vibe perfectly. And kittens, in a couple of years this kid is going to be insanely gorgeous. I mean, he’s beautiful. And I’m shallow like that, so I liked him. He has the what it is-ness.
Steven Tyler Is Not Sure Singing Is Your Forte
Rachel Zevita – Like JLo, I did remember this opera girl after a tick. Sadly, she’s 22 now and kind of annoying. And she sang Hallelujah which should never be sung again on this show as it is owned by Jason Castro not to mention played out. And she apparently can’t sing all that well these days. All of which the judges acknowledged before inexplicably putting her through anyway based on nostalgia. They shouldn’t have let this girl through. Her audition sucked ass. On to the next one, kiddies.
Caleb Holly – Looks like a scruffy child molester. Darlings, this kid had a fun audition and I did enjoy Steven Tyler getting his groove on to his funky white boy sound. And I’ll give him a little credit for singing a song that I haven’t heard eleven million times before. But he’ll never make it through an entire season of this show. He has modest talent at best. I guess every season needs its fodder, and if we have to have bar band singers, this kid is less offensive than most. Eh.
Kenzie Palmer – Steven Tyler thinks our first 15 year old has not pizazz. And Steven Tyler is right, as he so often is. This girl is cute, but boring. She has an OK voice. But there is nothing special about her at all. JLo put her through because she’s cute. Randy went along because he’s stupid. Steven Tyler went along because he’s high. (You know it’s true, y’all!) She’s about as captivating as your average 15 year old with no life experience, which is to say not very.
Ashley Sullivan – Kiddies, is this the most immature 25 year old you have ever seen or am I just crazy? She hops around like an ADHD kid without her Ritalin and she wants to model her Liza Minelli meets pop career on Brit Brit’s? Yeah, I’m gonna have to throw the flag on that one. This girl exhausts me and just . . . I can’t. She has a great Broadway Voice and Gimme Gimme was an inspired song choice. JLo had it right when she noted that hers is not a pop voice at all. She needs to be on Broadway Idol. Well, really she doesn’t need to be on any Idol because this girl is a trainwreck. A big old ball of need and exhibitionism and delusions and she makes Norman Gentle look understated and sadly the judges were swayed by her antics and put her through to Hollywood where her competitors will likely beat her to death in the group round. Kittens, our new judges should’ve listened to the Dawg. He knows crazy when he sees it. Did I just say that? I need to go somewhere and catch my breath.
Melinda Ademi – Is from Kosovo and has a sob story about which I do not care at all. She tried to get her Alicia Keys on. She has a pretty tone to her admittedly kinda thin voice and nice control. But she’s 16. I think she might be better in a couple of years. Wish she’d waited. Darlings, I’ll say it again, they are putting through a grip of teens. I’m skeerid.
Steven Tyler Thinks You Scared Everybody in the Room
There were lots of losers on the show last night, some of whom we were meant to laugh at and some of whom were inexplicably put through. We’re going to handle them all in a jumble because whack is whack.
Achille from the Ivory Coast – I got through this audition by pretending that this woman was really a performance artist named Latoya from West Elem, NJ and she was having a lark on all of us by playing this Achille character. Because if that’s not true, kiddies, then wow. It’s tight on the Ivory Coast. Madonna has done a lot of bad things since she decided to pretend to be British, but Dress You Up did not deserve this.
Melkia Wheatfell – Singing Home. See this is where I wanted to say, “Don’t feel bad, JLo. That shit was ridiculous.” Noodles, she’s gotta toughen up or she’s never going to make it through the season.
Robbie Rosen – Every season it’s the same old shit. Kittens, if you know me, then you can guess where this is going to go. Nobody cares that you were in a wheelchair. We don’t care that you had Pumps ‘n a Bump-it is. It’s sad for you that your parents have tried to erase part of your childhood. Can you sing? Then bring it. And he’s 16. Oh, hell to the no. I guess he’s a fine singer for his Nana’s birthday party, school talent shows, etc. But this fool is not a pop star. And he’s damn sure not your next American Idol, especially not with that schnozz, so why put him through? So far, the judges are grading on a serious curve.
Chris Cordeiro – Noodles, he was just the saddest thing I have ever seen. And a terrible advertisement for Scouting. And My Way? Wow. I . . . well . . . I mean . . . no words. And the mom clutching my Ryan in her death grip. Who? What? And here’s where Steven Tyler called out his man bangs and told him he scared everybody in the room. I Frikkin’ love this man.
Side Note: Kittens, I do believe the nervous burping dude was actually the same kid without the bangs and the bucket hat, right? Michael Perotto my tushie. It’s Chris Cordeiro with a five o’clock shadow. I refuse. Though I did love JLo’s whispered “Make it stop.” I know, JLo. I know.
Victoria Huggins – 16? Umm, no. Just no. She’s so annoying. I just want to kick her in the gut. And the air guitar thing. And she tried to sing a twangy version of Midnight Train to Georgia. Really? Gladys will cut you. Bitch, please. I hate this girl. Haaaattteee.
Brielle Von Hugel – Another 16 year old? WTF, Idol? And her stage dad is not cute. And the hair flower is ridiculous. And I obviously don’t care that her stage dad has cancer. Maybe he’ll die and she’ll be too distraught to continue on in hopes of becoming the America’s next top Idol. And she sang Endless Love. Hate sealed. And she can’t sing. Good times. She will not get a whiff of Top 10. Next.
Steven Tyler Wants to Know If You Ate Paint Chips as a Child
I really didn’t, darlings. I know that’s a huge imbalance between the good, the bad, and the ugly, but somehow it really did all work. The judges had way too much fun with the losers parade – singing, dancing, snarking. You almost wore those shorts. Oh, Steven Tyler! You card. The editors showed a big girl tumbling down the stairs and big girls falling is always funny. And there were only a couple of people (Yoji Pop, I’m looking at you) who made me extremely tired. They gave away 51 Golden Tickets in NJ which is damn. And there’s still plenty of time for things to fall completely off the rails. Hell, this time last year, I was still really enjoying Ellen on the panel. But all in all, this show made me kind of excited for the coming season, and I can’t really ask more of Cecile Frot-Coutaz, and the SiNi (Simon and Nigel). Just keep the Tyler-isms flowing and we should be in for one hell of a ride.
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