Open on a scene of sartorial devastation, a blasted stage where girls in high waisted shorts with gold buttons down the front roam free; where boys - boys!- cavort in Dirty Dancing style cut off jeans with rolled cuffs; where the lovely and talented Cat Deeley is done up like a high priced feather duster. Noodles, the TrannyHos in make up and wardrobe are back on the crack hard core. Alert your local 12 step program. And that fashion tragedy was just the beginning of an extremely underwhelming evening of dance entertainment. Kittens, half the kids gave good technique and so-so performances. Half the kids gave good performances but missed on the technique. And half the kids just completely missed the mark, while the other half (which was really only just the one couple, but work with me) gave the sole complete performance of the night with high performance quality and great technique on display but it was wasted on a made up nonsense style choreographed to the single worst Beyonce song of all time (and that's saying something) and danced by the least appealing contestant/all-star pairing in the universe. Sigh. How can the kids be so talented, the all stars so freakishly beautiful, and the judging for the most part on point and all that still combine into a spectacularly dull hour of television? Well, let's just chat about that and figure it out, shall we?
Half a Loaf
So these were the kids whose spirit was willing, but their flesh was weak. Good sports to the last drop, but not a one of them really captured the essence of the dances they were being asked to portray. Part of that can be attributed to them and part of that can be attributed to the fact that the choreography for the most part last night sucked ass or was just OK. Still and all, I had more fun watching this group than the group who brought technique but no artistry to their work, didn't you, kiddies?
Cristina and Pasha/Paso Doble/Jean Marc and Franz/The same classical song they always use – I love Jean Marc and Franz and Franz' radioactive hair. And Cristina is a real cutie. I tried to pay attention to her, but I was distracted by all the Shirtless Pasha. The lifts at the beginning were a little tentative, but that’s understandable. And really, the choreographers went a little lift crazy last night, no? I woudl like more dance in my dance, kittens. Pasha was everything in this dance, despite the heinous brown pants he was rocking. (TrannyHos-Stink Eye-Forever) Pasha's carriage is just insane. I thought Cristina did well, too, but she can’t hang with him. It’s kind of not at all fair. Paso is already the most man-centric of all the Latin dances and on top of it, Cristina had to compete with Pasha and yeah, she lost. On another note, "Mucho caliente"? Oh, Shankdaddy. Don’t try to speak Spanish. I’m embarrassed for you.
Alex and Lauren/Broadway/Tyce/Summertime – Oh my stars! Alex Wong was an adorable baby. So, so cute. But why stick him with Tasty? Tasty Broadway? Tasty Broadway inspired by the Fosse style? The hell you say. Good lord, Bob Fosse should rise up from his grave and slap this fool into the middle of next week. In the abstract, Alex was amazing, obvi, but this style of movement is so different for a ballet dancer. All the hips and the hunched shoulders. And his performance as an example of that style was not perfect. He was still a little too pulled up, not quite grimy enough. But he did well with the leaps and the kicks and the turns and the whole all of all. That was fantastic. As is so often the case, kiddies, Nigel didn't really know what he was talking about when it comes to the demands of the style. Hunched shoulders are a Fosse trademark. Nigel’s full of shit. I got what Mia and Shankdaddy meant, however. The movement did need to be smaller. I think the thing with Fosse was actually that he wasn’t an extravagantly talented dancer so he created this whole style of movement that played off of hunched shoulders and sunken hips and the smallest of movements, a snap, a flick of the foot, a quarter turn having meaning. He also played with a lot of bump ‘n grind vaudeville movement which is not as elegant or as refined as ballet movement tends to be. So I think it’s fair to say that while I loved it because I loved watching Alex move, it wasn’t Fosse. Oh, and the choreo was ass. But that’s a given with Tasty Broadway, soooooo . . .
Robert and Anya/Argentine Tango/Jean Marc and Franz/Libertango – I’ll agre with all the Buffistas that I’m not feeling blonde Anya. And Robert is so cheesy. I wish he weren’t, noodles. He’s like Jim Carrey levels of cheesy. But that just seems to be a character flaw, and really he was killing it in terms of the look and the attitude. Holy hell. And I know many, many dancers who would die for that plie in second position. It wasn’t as good as some of the best tangos on the show – Brandon/Janette or Danny/Sarah. But it was good from a performance standpoint. He was a good lead. Strong and in command. There was passion. His ganchos were good, although the rest of the footwork was a little bit sloppy. It must've been challenging, too, since his pro, Anya, is not a tango expert either. I agreed with Shankdaddy that the style didn’t sit entirely comfortably on him, but I thought he was better than what they gave him credit for. I was really liking him until he went right back to cheesing through his numbers. Sigh. He makes me tired.
Jose/Kathryn/Bollywood/Nakul/Won’t even pretend with the song – I guess they were hoping for some of that Kathryn/Legacy lightning to strike twice. But you can't always get what you want, darlings. Jose really gave it the old college try. And no, it was not perfect. He kind of lost steam about halfway through the routine and there were a few too many b-boy moves, freezes and such, thrown in for good measure. But that was fun. He looked like he had fun. Some of the turns were excellent. Kathryn is gorgeous and was gorgeous and will be gorgeous. It was ever thus. Overall, good performance quality. So-so dance quality. Why, it's almost like a theme, kittens.
Better Than None
The kids in this group brought their bags of tricks with them, but they forgot to put their personalitites in the bags. Something is missing with these contestants, no? There's no there there. Darlings, had I not been taking notes, I'd have forgotten what half of them did almost immediately.
Adechike and Allison/Contemporary/Mandy Moore/Listen to Your Heart – Oh, Mandy. Don’t ever change. I love how much she loves cheesy 80’s and early 90’s pop. Who else would use Roxette? Kittens, Adechike’s just a charisma chasm. But Allison. Oh, my word! Allison is so gorgeous. Just a beautiful, breathtaking dancer. And once again, she was giving it. She was dancing with him and he was doing steps. He’s got great technique. And he tried to bring more, but emoting and feeling the movement is not the same as just smiling. The judges actually gave good critique. He needs to get lost in his dances. You can see the wheels turning and see him thinking through the steps and not living and breathing them. The judges were right on. Sadly, I don’t know that he has that thing that they are asking him for.
Ashley and Mark/Lyrical Jazz/Travis Wall/Wonderful – Kittens, didn't finding out that Ashley was a competition kid from early on explain soooo much? She’s like the female Adechike. Technically proficient, but emotionally vacant. But who cares about that, kiddies. There was Mark. Shirtless Mark! Smoking hot, sexy Mark! Holy shit. I thought the choreo from Travis was fine. And OK, it wasn't jazz. I'll give you that. But it was better than half the crap put out there on that stage last night, so Nigel can bite me. And going back to it after Tasty's choreo? Yeah, not cool at all. Travis looked ready to cut a bitch. Anyway, kittens, Mark was everything. Ashley was beautiful technically, but reall brought no connection, no heat, nothing. It wound up being just two people doing steps. Beautiful steps, but steps nonetheless. And ummm, shirtless Mark. God DAMN! During their critiques, the judges were trying to get away from saying that Ashley’s boring but fuck that noise. She’s proficient and boring.
Kent and Courtney/Jazz/Tasty/Amy Amy Amy – Oh my. When I heard the theme, I figured Kent would do well with this in terms of movement quality, but sexual tension? Yikes. And a cunniliftus? Has Tasty been spending time with Doriana? Yuck. Kent in bondage gear blew my mind, family. It was gorgeously danced. This boy moves like a dream. But the sexy face? With the open mouth? Yeah, It was kind of laughable. But my stars, that barrel turn, almost kind of like a rotating stag leap? Thing of beauty. And the toe point on this kid is insane. Insane. He’s a gorgeous thing. And he’s so sweet he could cause sugar shock. Once again, like with Adechike and Ashley, technique on point. Performance, not so much. And not because he lacks personality, just that he’s not believable as a sexual beast. It actually might’ve worked better if he had danced it with Mark.
No Loaf
These pairs had a miss on the performance quality and a miss on technique. Bad dancers! No biscuits for you.
Melinda and Ade/Contemporary/Stacy Tookey/Squander – Dammit, TrannyHos! What was Melinda wearing? Crack is whack, kittens. Words to live by. Melinda needs tons more extension. She needed to reach through the tippy tips of her fingers and toes. Right now, she always looks very contained. She needs to let go more. That part where she was pushing Ade with her head on his stomach needed so much more. More tension. More push/pull. More energy. Just more everything. She just lacked intention for me. Darlings, I was much less impressed with her than the judges were. She doesn’t get the “Oh, you’re just a X" pass. Almost all the kids were dancing out of their style/comfort zone last night and that’s what this show is all about. If you didn’t come to party, take your broke broke home. I’d be happy to let her go this week.
Billy and Comfort/Krump/Lil C/So U Think U Can Krump – Billy in pleather with flames? That’s like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds! Billy saying “Boosh” was kind of the best thing about Billy's entire section, noodles. And the buck face? Awww, baby, you’re not buck. He looked like he was on puppet strings. And the running leaps with the pointed feet? And the miles of turn out? Baby. No. There’s no pointed feet in Krump. Well, he was really trying. That’s . . . something. And Comfort was killing it and yet still trying to keep it matched up with Billy. But, for real? It wasn’t good. Worst of the night by a long shot.
Whole Loaf
Lauren and Dom/Lyrical Hip Hop/Tessandra Chavez/If I Were a Boy – Oh perfect, my two least favorite dancers of the season together. Thanks, Nigel. But hey, new hip hop choreographer blood. And OK. Toothy Blonde Cheerleader was kind of tearing it up. I still dislike the whole concept of lyrical hip hop. It's not a thing. But this choreo was better than NappyTab in this style. And TBC was good. Much more connected than last week. And she’s just a good dancer. Good like “whoa!” And Dom is a great, great b-boy, and he’s gotten so much better since dancing with Qwest. He’s ridiculous. Yeah, she was good. Better this week. I still don’t care for her. Keep hating alive.
Bottom Three
So this was a weird night. Nobody put it all together. Either the kids had the performance quality but lacked in embodying the style/technique of the dance they were given or they had the technique but something in the performance/feel of the dance was missing. The bottom two in terms of performance for me were clearly Melinda and Billy. That said, I would never want to see Billy hit B3, kiddies, because I love him, but I do think he was objectively the worst on that stage tonight. The clear best of the night, the one who came closest to giving both solid technique and good performance was TBC (and I think I lost my lunch just having to type that). I’ve no idea who B3 will be, but I think and hope Adechike will hit B3 this week and maybe even go home because he’s just like dance wallpaper. I think Melinda may go B3 again, even though the judges tried to prop her up. She wasn’t great. The third spot is hard. I think it could be Ashley, though she was technically gorgeous in the dance and that may save her. Could be Cristina again. She went first and she was OK, but not outstanding. People may forget about her. I think Billy and Alex have enough of a fan base to keep them out of B3, even though you could make a case for both of them to be there (Billy more so than Alex). Yeah, I don’t know. This was a very mixed bag kind of a night. No one hit it out of the park, so anyone could be in danger.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
SYTYCD S7 Finals Ep2 He-Man Woman Haters Club
It’s still only 6:45 on the West Coast, Kittens, so I’m technically getting this recap of last week’s results show in under the wire. Let me pause to have a little Kevin Spacey in American Beauty “Yes, I rule!” moment. And . . . now I’m done. And really, there wasn’t much to last week’s show, was there? I mean, some choreographer who I didn’t know set a piece on the kids that was one quarter Sonya Tayeh, one half Tasty in his contemporary incarnation (complete with inexplicably bad costuming and staging), a smidge of Mandy Moore-ian nostalgic feeling 80’s video moves along with some really bad, vaguely synth pop music, and then the requisite horrible camera work from the crack monkeys. Your group routine, kiddies. And I hate that the all stars are in every. damn. thing. Can’t the new kids have one thing that’s just for them? Are the all stars getting dance intros next? Make it stop.
As for the rest of the special guest appearances on the night, I’d just seen that Twyla Tharp piece on the Tony awards and the producers of that show sprung to have the rest of the backup dancers plus sets onstage, so this just seemed like a cheap retread. Loosen the purse strings, Mr. Fuller. Usher sang the same crap ass song he sang on Idol like 30 million years ago. And just as poorly and autotuned all to hell. They might’ve even done the same choreography. And then he tried to get me to watch the Beiber creature’s new video but not even for former ABDC contestants because that little man/woman concoction is creepy as all get out and I refuse. And that was about the size of it, noodles.
And then we wound up being reminded once again of just how hard Nigel and Co. had to pimp and manipulate the audience to bring about the Sabra win and how Jeanine had to be more awesome than the most awesome thing you can think of and pull off one of the single best turn sequences in SYTYCD history while clutching a rose between her teeth to beat someone as limited and one-dimensional as Evan for fuck’s sake because the B3 wound up being all girls despite the fact that Adechike sucked all the air out of the room on performance show night and if there were a stronger term than outclassed to describe what Kathryn did to him on that stage, I’d use it but bottom line is bitch should’ve been in the bottom three but wasn’t because America hates girls. Cooties and all, don’t you know, darlings?
So we got Melinda, Alexie, and Cristina in the B3, with Alexie going home for being generically cute and having the misfortune of pulling a NappyTab routine right out the gate. And for not having a penis, of course, but what was she going to do about that? Maybe she should’ve sought advice from Mark’s boss, Lady Gaga? All three girls gave underwhelming solos and all 3 will be gone soon, especially with this format. I wouldn’t be surprised if all the boys outlast every single girl save TBC.
So farewell to Alexie. I hope Kent can recover by tonight because he seemed awfully broken up. Robert still needs to stop mugging excessively. Alex is still the most beautiful thing on the planet. Billy is still a freaky alien but somehow it works for him. Everyone else needs to grow a personality. Or in the girls’ case, a personality and a pair. With a quickness.
As for the rest of the special guest appearances on the night, I’d just seen that Twyla Tharp piece on the Tony awards and the producers of that show sprung to have the rest of the backup dancers plus sets onstage, so this just seemed like a cheap retread. Loosen the purse strings, Mr. Fuller. Usher sang the same crap ass song he sang on Idol like 30 million years ago. And just as poorly and autotuned all to hell. They might’ve even done the same choreography. And then he tried to get me to watch the Beiber creature’s new video but not even for former ABDC contestants because that little man/woman concoction is creepy as all get out and I refuse. And that was about the size of it, noodles.
And then we wound up being reminded once again of just how hard Nigel and Co. had to pimp and manipulate the audience to bring about the Sabra win and how Jeanine had to be more awesome than the most awesome thing you can think of and pull off one of the single best turn sequences in SYTYCD history while clutching a rose between her teeth to beat someone as limited and one-dimensional as Evan for fuck’s sake because the B3 wound up being all girls despite the fact that Adechike sucked all the air out of the room on performance show night and if there were a stronger term than outclassed to describe what Kathryn did to him on that stage, I’d use it but bottom line is bitch should’ve been in the bottom three but wasn’t because America hates girls. Cooties and all, don’t you know, darlings?
So we got Melinda, Alexie, and Cristina in the B3, with Alexie going home for being generically cute and having the misfortune of pulling a NappyTab routine right out the gate. And for not having a penis, of course, but what was she going to do about that? Maybe she should’ve sought advice from Mark’s boss, Lady Gaga? All three girls gave underwhelming solos and all 3 will be gone soon, especially with this format. I wouldn’t be surprised if all the boys outlast every single girl save TBC.
So farewell to Alexie. I hope Kent can recover by tonight because he seemed awfully broken up. Robert still needs to stop mugging excessively. Alex is still the most beautiful thing on the planet. Billy is still a freaky alien but somehow it works for him. Everyone else needs to grow a personality. Or in the girls’ case, a personality and a pair. With a quickness.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
SYTYCD S7 Finals Ep1 Tan, Rested and Ready
Kittens, did you miss me? I’m just climbing up out of the deep dark hole I was thrust into by the last season of AI. Cecile Frot-Coutaz and her minions finally succeeded in breaking me, darlings, with their talentless contestants, the addition of yet another completely useless judge, the continued existence of Judge #4 on this planet, the impending loss of Simon, the deconstruction of Ryan’s sleek manscaping (Plaid button down and jeans? On my favorite wee pocket gay? Oh, the humanity!). Really, the whole thing was too much. I’m still fragile, noodles. I get twitchy every time I hear the words, “Lee DeWyze, your next American Idol.” Ptui. Let us never speak of it again.
So anyway, I’d decided I was done. Oh not watching, mind you. What else would I do while sitting on my couch eating Cracker Jacks. No, no. Done with caring. Done with investing. Done with recapping. And then Unca Nigel came around with his big ideas to destroy my other favorite show with his top 10 and his dubious labeling of the Hunchback and Mischa Chan as all stars of anything save being horrible people. And don’t even get me started on Dom. Kiddies, all seemed lost. But it seems there’s a spark of life left in my tiny, shriveled up blackened lump of a soul. And that spark was set on fire by one Alex Wong. So with the promise of one dancer to love to distraction and a gentle push from momo (Holla!), I’m back and ready to share all my most intimate thoughts on Cat Deeley and her whacked out fashions. (TrannyHos in the hizz-ouse) On the crack monkeys they have manning the cameras. I truly didn’t believe it could get any worse, but they’ve outdone themselves, haven’t they, kiddies? I have to think now they’re just fucking with us. On our intrepid panel, still relevant only about half the time which makes them 100% more relevant than the AI panel and that’s a thing. And of course, the kids. The kids are fire, y’all! And they might just make this all star thing happen in spite of itself. So let’s dig in. Just pretend that you know everything I’ve been thinking up through Meet the top 11, because really? Don’t you? I knew that you did. First performance episode, bitches. Bring it.
I know all is right with the world whenever Cat wears the re-inforced bump-it bun. And in my imagination, the kids dance ins were all superb since that’s all I have to go on, crack monkeys. And then it was time to get our dance on. All the kids were really good last night, but only a few managed to pull focus from their all-star partners, so we will divide into Caught the Eye vs. Faded Away. Although some caught the eye in a bad way (Kent) but we’ll get to that.
Caught the Eye
Alex and Allison/Sonya/Lyrical/Hallelujah - Alex now. Alex forever. Kittens, this boy is everything. There are no words. I loved everything about that piece. There was not one moment I didn't love. He doesn’t leap, he floats. He doesn’t turn, he whirls, he doesn’t extend, he expands beyond the realm of what’s even possible. He’s up there in the pantheon for me with Danny and Blake and it’s only episode one. I’m waiting to see him in other styles, since up until now, we’ve only seen him in lyrical and more lyrical. But what a delight, no? And the business with Cat while she gave out his numbers? Genius. Amazing dancer and adorable goofball. What does this kid not do? And on the all star front, the fact that Allison didn't even make top six on her season continues to boggle the mind. She and Alex were a dream together. Alex Wong, y'all. I give up. I'm already out of superlatives. And yes, it's week one. Honestly.
Robert and Courtney/Sean Cheesman/African/Some Cirque du Soleil song - Mr. Cheesman was a welcome addition to the SYTYCD stable ‘o choreographers last year when he set that amazing princess and the frog piece on Noelle and Russel. Sadly, that was far better than what he served up last night. There was precious little African in this African jazz, I'll tell you what. And Robert was way too pulled up doing what little African there was. Contrary to what the judges said, it was far from the best African infused piece they have had on the show in terms of either choreography or execution. That would still be Tasty's Lion King group dance with Danny and Sabra crushing it. Robert was good here, though. The boy has skills. And he's awfully pretty. Noodles, you know that goes a long way with me. He managed to outshine Courtney, which I think will happen often as she is a solid dancer, but not really a star.
Ashley and Neil/Tasty/Contemporary/Some Donny Hathaway cut – This was a fine piece, though nothing to write home about. Tasty does so much better in this style. Why won't the show recognize? And it was danced well. Ashley has great technique, gorgeous lines, she’s very light on her feet, good solid center. And the Hunchback, well, I’d hesitate to say he was a revelation, but he certainly has improved by leaps and bounds from the bad old days of S3, hasn’t he darlings? There was some actual dance content there, not just stomping around from trick to trick. And he learned how to pull up. Strangé, Dancer Formerly Known as Hunchback. But there was no there there. There were steps but no feeling. Ashley's just such a non-entity, noodles. It’s like she’s aggressively boring. I don’t know who she’s in love with, but I hope that person tells her to grow a personality soon. Still, she danced up to Neil’s level and they made a well matched pair. I watched her just as much as I watched him. And on a night like tonight? Darlings, that spells victory.
Kent and Anya/Tony and Melanie/Cha Cha/Lady Marmalade – Way to throw Kent into the deep end without a life preserver and see if he floats, Nigel. I love Kent. He's cuter than a basket of kittens and puppies. But can I keep it real with y'all? Anya drank that fool's milkshake. It was like watching a full grown woman dance with her pre-pubescent nephew at some family wedding. She's inappropriate and he's a teensy bit watch from the hall but it works because they're both trying soooo hard. His footwork in many places was not good. The hip action was kind of there in some sections, but other times not. He handled the lifts beautifully. And he did make a game attempt to lead. Oh, I know what it was like! It was like watching a really talented junior dancer do an exhibition with his teacher. You could tell that he has all the potential and the tools to be crazy amazing (Cramazing? Yes, I like it!), but he's not quite there yet. Still, he's adorable and not going anywhere anytime soon and everybody knows it, Kittens. And his ridiculous mugging ensured that he didn’t get overshadowed by Anya, who is a force and don’t you forget it. So good work, Kent. Be less cheesy next time, mkay? Love you. Mean it.
Faded Away
Billy and Lauren/Tasty/Broadway/Footloose – Kittens, I don’t think Billy got outdanced by Mischa Chan because that is against the laws of physics and the natural world. Instead, I think the whole piece was so underwhelming that both of them just got lost. To pull Mischa Chan, Broadway and Tyce all in the same week and get stuck going first? Someone in production hates Billy. Given what little he had to do, he killed it technically, but really? Really? First dance fail. I thought Shankdaddy's critiques would’ve been on point if there’d been some nuance available to be danced. But you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, darlings. And Tasty served up about 100 pounds of pork with that mess of a routine. All gesticulating wildly and arms and jumping around doing herkies. You can’t ask him to become a Mark-style performer while emulating that SNL Will Farrell cheerleader skit. On a separate note, while I refuse, on general principle, to address most of the revealed secrets, I loved seeing Tool Time with Billy and Billy's dad. Awwww. I love these dads who love their not dead gay sons. I will attribute it to the fine model put forth by Kurt’s dad Burt on Glee. Because all good things come from Glee.
Lauren and Ade/Mandy Moore/Jazz/Oh Yeah - Oh, Mandy. How I adore your obsession with cheesy bad 80s pop. Kittens, here’s another one where it wasn’t exactly that the newbie got outdanced by the all star. I found Ade and Lauren to be fairly well matched. But they had no chemistry and no connection between them. From either side. This was the least sexy “sexy” dance I’ve ever seen. It just felt like neither Ade nor Lauren got it. Each of them might as well have been alone up on that stage. And someone needs to smack that smile off of Toothy Blonde Cheerleader's face because for real? It's just not on. I think Adam might actually do it before the season is out. Did you catch his face when she interrupted his “You don’t get it” critique? He was ready to cut a bitch. I kind of hate her a lot. Technically, she’s very solid but I think she might be a fembot.
Jose and Comfort/NappyTab/Hip Hop/ Some Ne-Yo song about monsters – Family, NappyTab are so booty. Why are they still here? That choreography did no one any favors. Neither the song nor the steps were hip hop under any definition of the genre I've ever known. Jose danced what he was asked, so in that sense it was OK, I suppose. I still want more power and dynamism from his b-boying. His tricks always look so slow and labored. Comfort is a phenomenal hip hop dancer. Too bad she was handcuffed by all the lack of hip hop.
Alexie and Twitch/NappyTab/Hip Hop/Butterfly - Another lyrical hip hop mash up of suckiness. It was overly twee from the jump, but Alexie made it even more twee. I agree with the judges, no swag. She had anti-swag. Not that she had a lot to work with. On top of the bad choreography, she danced like she was on a UDA dance team, which makes sense coming from a former Laker Girl. She’s cute as a button, though.
Melinda and Pasha/Tony and Melanie/Jive/Song? Who knows? - Awwwww. I love Tony and Melanie. That was a fun routine. And packed. They did not go easy. I thought Melinda started off relatively well. The character and performance were there from the jump, and the technique was not all bad. The flicks and high kicks were good. She was fast and light on her feet. Nice arm placement and extension. Then she got tired, which makes sense because jive is no joke. It will kick your ass. About half way through, her form totally fell apart and that's when the pigeon toed thing started happening. And how can you not get completely outclassed by Pasha? Damn! Just hot damn, noodles. It’s not right to be that fine.
And now to my two favorite all stars. Get rid of their partners and just have them dance together every week because they tore it up in Travis’ Meet the Top 11 routine!
Cristina and Mark/Sonya/Jazz/Missed the song - Mark! That said, I did not enjoy the routine. Kiddies, Sonya has done much better. THAT said, Mark turned it out. He's a beast. I think he's gotten even better since he was on the show. I kind of have to join the judges in giving it up to Cristina. That style of movement had to sit so strangely on her body, and while Mark did blow her away, she had some nice moments. The attitude that Mia pointed out was also an "Alright, then" moment for me. And Noodles, can we take a moment to give a hell to the naw to Mia’s use of the term “Mamá”? Are we all agreed that she can’t rock it like that? Lovely. Moving along. The toe point on Cristina was not at all bad for someone used to dancing shod all the time. She handled the sinuous motion very well. All in all, I enjoyed her more than I enjoyed the piece. And Mark! Mark licking Cristina’s leg! I died, kittens. I died. The bitch never broke character, even when walking off stage. Watch and learn, newbies. Watch and learn. I hope GaGa is handling that correctly, or making sure he gets handled often and by someone who knows how if she's not his thing. He’s so pretty.
Adechike and Kathryn/Travis Wall/Lyrical/Addicted to Love - Kathryn was everything in that routine. She was serving. Exquisite. And Ade was just . . . there. Darlings, I have never missed Anthony Burrell more. That dance called for a man, grown and sexy, and Ade just did not deliver. Points off to Travis for going back to the naughty secretary well and because the dance was practically a love letter to Kathryn. She’s a gorgeous dancer and I love her, too, but poor Adechike just had to stand around and lift an awful lot, or catch, or just sit in a chair and get pushed around. Definite bottom 3 bait.
Bottom Three
Who knows, kittens? And isn’t that delicious? Adechike has got to be one. Beyond that? It’s anyone’s guess. Why? Because this tope 11 is just that good. Well done, show. I’d be sad to lose anyone because I kind of want to see what else they can all do. Except TBC. Yeah, she can go anytime now, but she won’t, because tweens hate me and this is their world. I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut. I’ll predict a B3 of Adechike, for being the worst of a really good lot, Melinda for being buried in the middle and kind of ill suited to the style, and Ashley for being so forgettable. I’ll go with Melinda for the boot, but I wouldn’t bank on it.
Awww. It's good to be home, noodles.
So anyway, I’d decided I was done. Oh not watching, mind you. What else would I do while sitting on my couch eating Cracker Jacks. No, no. Done with caring. Done with investing. Done with recapping. And then Unca Nigel came around with his big ideas to destroy my other favorite show with his top 10 and his dubious labeling of the Hunchback and Mischa Chan as all stars of anything save being horrible people. And don’t even get me started on Dom. Kiddies, all seemed lost. But it seems there’s a spark of life left in my tiny, shriveled up blackened lump of a soul. And that spark was set on fire by one Alex Wong. So with the promise of one dancer to love to distraction and a gentle push from momo (Holla!), I’m back and ready to share all my most intimate thoughts on Cat Deeley and her whacked out fashions. (TrannyHos in the hizz-ouse) On the crack monkeys they have manning the cameras. I truly didn’t believe it could get any worse, but they’ve outdone themselves, haven’t they, kiddies? I have to think now they’re just fucking with us. On our intrepid panel, still relevant only about half the time which makes them 100% more relevant than the AI panel and that’s a thing. And of course, the kids. The kids are fire, y’all! And they might just make this all star thing happen in spite of itself. So let’s dig in. Just pretend that you know everything I’ve been thinking up through Meet the top 11, because really? Don’t you? I knew that you did. First performance episode, bitches. Bring it.
I know all is right with the world whenever Cat wears the re-inforced bump-it bun. And in my imagination, the kids dance ins were all superb since that’s all I have to go on, crack monkeys. And then it was time to get our dance on. All the kids were really good last night, but only a few managed to pull focus from their all-star partners, so we will divide into Caught the Eye vs. Faded Away. Although some caught the eye in a bad way (Kent) but we’ll get to that.
Caught the Eye
Alex and Allison/Sonya/Lyrical/Hallelujah - Alex now. Alex forever. Kittens, this boy is everything. There are no words. I loved everything about that piece. There was not one moment I didn't love. He doesn’t leap, he floats. He doesn’t turn, he whirls, he doesn’t extend, he expands beyond the realm of what’s even possible. He’s up there in the pantheon for me with Danny and Blake and it’s only episode one. I’m waiting to see him in other styles, since up until now, we’ve only seen him in lyrical and more lyrical. But what a delight, no? And the business with Cat while she gave out his numbers? Genius. Amazing dancer and adorable goofball. What does this kid not do? And on the all star front, the fact that Allison didn't even make top six on her season continues to boggle the mind. She and Alex were a dream together. Alex Wong, y'all. I give up. I'm already out of superlatives. And yes, it's week one. Honestly.
Robert and Courtney/Sean Cheesman/African/Some Cirque du Soleil song - Mr. Cheesman was a welcome addition to the SYTYCD stable ‘o choreographers last year when he set that amazing princess and the frog piece on Noelle and Russel. Sadly, that was far better than what he served up last night. There was precious little African in this African jazz, I'll tell you what. And Robert was way too pulled up doing what little African there was. Contrary to what the judges said, it was far from the best African infused piece they have had on the show in terms of either choreography or execution. That would still be Tasty's Lion King group dance with Danny and Sabra crushing it. Robert was good here, though. The boy has skills. And he's awfully pretty. Noodles, you know that goes a long way with me. He managed to outshine Courtney, which I think will happen often as she is a solid dancer, but not really a star.
Ashley and Neil/Tasty/Contemporary/Some Donny Hathaway cut – This was a fine piece, though nothing to write home about. Tasty does so much better in this style. Why won't the show recognize? And it was danced well. Ashley has great technique, gorgeous lines, she’s very light on her feet, good solid center. And the Hunchback, well, I’d hesitate to say he was a revelation, but he certainly has improved by leaps and bounds from the bad old days of S3, hasn’t he darlings? There was some actual dance content there, not just stomping around from trick to trick. And he learned how to pull up. Strangé, Dancer Formerly Known as Hunchback. But there was no there there. There were steps but no feeling. Ashley's just such a non-entity, noodles. It’s like she’s aggressively boring. I don’t know who she’s in love with, but I hope that person tells her to grow a personality soon. Still, she danced up to Neil’s level and they made a well matched pair. I watched her just as much as I watched him. And on a night like tonight? Darlings, that spells victory.
Kent and Anya/Tony and Melanie/Cha Cha/Lady Marmalade – Way to throw Kent into the deep end without a life preserver and see if he floats, Nigel. I love Kent. He's cuter than a basket of kittens and puppies. But can I keep it real with y'all? Anya drank that fool's milkshake. It was like watching a full grown woman dance with her pre-pubescent nephew at some family wedding. She's inappropriate and he's a teensy bit watch from the hall but it works because they're both trying soooo hard. His footwork in many places was not good. The hip action was kind of there in some sections, but other times not. He handled the lifts beautifully. And he did make a game attempt to lead. Oh, I know what it was like! It was like watching a really talented junior dancer do an exhibition with his teacher. You could tell that he has all the potential and the tools to be crazy amazing (Cramazing? Yes, I like it!), but he's not quite there yet. Still, he's adorable and not going anywhere anytime soon and everybody knows it, Kittens. And his ridiculous mugging ensured that he didn’t get overshadowed by Anya, who is a force and don’t you forget it. So good work, Kent. Be less cheesy next time, mkay? Love you. Mean it.
Faded Away
Billy and Lauren/Tasty/Broadway/Footloose – Kittens, I don’t think Billy got outdanced by Mischa Chan because that is against the laws of physics and the natural world. Instead, I think the whole piece was so underwhelming that both of them just got lost. To pull Mischa Chan, Broadway and Tyce all in the same week and get stuck going first? Someone in production hates Billy. Given what little he had to do, he killed it technically, but really? Really? First dance fail. I thought Shankdaddy's critiques would’ve been on point if there’d been some nuance available to be danced. But you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, darlings. And Tasty served up about 100 pounds of pork with that mess of a routine. All gesticulating wildly and arms and jumping around doing herkies. You can’t ask him to become a Mark-style performer while emulating that SNL Will Farrell cheerleader skit. On a separate note, while I refuse, on general principle, to address most of the revealed secrets, I loved seeing Tool Time with Billy and Billy's dad. Awwww. I love these dads who love their not dead gay sons. I will attribute it to the fine model put forth by Kurt’s dad Burt on Glee. Because all good things come from Glee.
Lauren and Ade/Mandy Moore/Jazz/Oh Yeah - Oh, Mandy. How I adore your obsession with cheesy bad 80s pop. Kittens, here’s another one where it wasn’t exactly that the newbie got outdanced by the all star. I found Ade and Lauren to be fairly well matched. But they had no chemistry and no connection between them. From either side. This was the least sexy “sexy” dance I’ve ever seen. It just felt like neither Ade nor Lauren got it. Each of them might as well have been alone up on that stage. And someone needs to smack that smile off of Toothy Blonde Cheerleader's face because for real? It's just not on. I think Adam might actually do it before the season is out. Did you catch his face when she interrupted his “You don’t get it” critique? He was ready to cut a bitch. I kind of hate her a lot. Technically, she’s very solid but I think she might be a fembot.
Jose and Comfort/NappyTab/Hip Hop/ Some Ne-Yo song about monsters – Family, NappyTab are so booty. Why are they still here? That choreography did no one any favors. Neither the song nor the steps were hip hop under any definition of the genre I've ever known. Jose danced what he was asked, so in that sense it was OK, I suppose. I still want more power and dynamism from his b-boying. His tricks always look so slow and labored. Comfort is a phenomenal hip hop dancer. Too bad she was handcuffed by all the lack of hip hop.
Alexie and Twitch/NappyTab/Hip Hop/Butterfly - Another lyrical hip hop mash up of suckiness. It was overly twee from the jump, but Alexie made it even more twee. I agree with the judges, no swag. She had anti-swag. Not that she had a lot to work with. On top of the bad choreography, she danced like she was on a UDA dance team, which makes sense coming from a former Laker Girl. She’s cute as a button, though.
Melinda and Pasha/Tony and Melanie/Jive/Song? Who knows? - Awwwww. I love Tony and Melanie. That was a fun routine. And packed. They did not go easy. I thought Melinda started off relatively well. The character and performance were there from the jump, and the technique was not all bad. The flicks and high kicks were good. She was fast and light on her feet. Nice arm placement and extension. Then she got tired, which makes sense because jive is no joke. It will kick your ass. About half way through, her form totally fell apart and that's when the pigeon toed thing started happening. And how can you not get completely outclassed by Pasha? Damn! Just hot damn, noodles. It’s not right to be that fine.
And now to my two favorite all stars. Get rid of their partners and just have them dance together every week because they tore it up in Travis’ Meet the Top 11 routine!
Cristina and Mark/Sonya/Jazz/Missed the song - Mark! That said, I did not enjoy the routine. Kiddies, Sonya has done much better. THAT said, Mark turned it out. He's a beast. I think he's gotten even better since he was on the show. I kind of have to join the judges in giving it up to Cristina. That style of movement had to sit so strangely on her body, and while Mark did blow her away, she had some nice moments. The attitude that Mia pointed out was also an "Alright, then" moment for me. And Noodles, can we take a moment to give a hell to the naw to Mia’s use of the term “Mamá”? Are we all agreed that she can’t rock it like that? Lovely. Moving along. The toe point on Cristina was not at all bad for someone used to dancing shod all the time. She handled the sinuous motion very well. All in all, I enjoyed her more than I enjoyed the piece. And Mark! Mark licking Cristina’s leg! I died, kittens. I died. The bitch never broke character, even when walking off stage. Watch and learn, newbies. Watch and learn. I hope GaGa is handling that correctly, or making sure he gets handled often and by someone who knows how if she's not his thing. He’s so pretty.
Adechike and Kathryn/Travis Wall/Lyrical/Addicted to Love - Kathryn was everything in that routine. She was serving. Exquisite. And Ade was just . . . there. Darlings, I have never missed Anthony Burrell more. That dance called for a man, grown and sexy, and Ade just did not deliver. Points off to Travis for going back to the naughty secretary well and because the dance was practically a love letter to Kathryn. She’s a gorgeous dancer and I love her, too, but poor Adechike just had to stand around and lift an awful lot, or catch, or just sit in a chair and get pushed around. Definite bottom 3 bait.
Bottom Three
Who knows, kittens? And isn’t that delicious? Adechike has got to be one. Beyond that? It’s anyone’s guess. Why? Because this tope 11 is just that good. Well done, show. I’d be sad to lose anyone because I kind of want to see what else they can all do. Except TBC. Yeah, she can go anytime now, but she won’t, because tweens hate me and this is their world. I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut. I’ll predict a B3 of Adechike, for being the worst of a really good lot, Melinda for being buried in the middle and kind of ill suited to the style, and Ashley for being so forgettable. I’ll go with Melinda for the boot, but I wouldn’t bank on it.
Awww. It's good to be home, noodles.
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