Pretty sneaky, SYTYCD. Darlings, if not for a fortuitously placed electronic billboard on my way to work today, I would've missed Cat Deeley, looking lovely with her stick straight, Marcia Brady hair and flawlessly performing the stanky leg, shepherding our intrepid Nigel and increasingly crazily bewigged Mary Murphy through the dirty south. With a subdued Lil C in tow. Forgive a tired blogger for being caught all unawares. But we must press on, no? Let's get down to brass tacks because the ATL, though amusing, didn't serve up any real gems, noodles. I don't think there was a top 10er in the bunch.
Bring 'em out, bring em out - Day One
Billy Bell - Such a cutie. I want to hook him up with Curt from Glee and form the uber-teen gay power couple. And a gorgeous dancer to boot, kittens. Turn out for days. A glorious, deep plie. And for the first time with a male dancer on this show, I am swooning over the feet. The feet are killing me! I see Nigel's point about the sway back, but seriously, was there ever a doubt that this kid was going straight through to Vegas. This kid's got a shot to do well in Vegas.
Amber Jackson - Look, here's another cutie! Atlanta certainly represented with the beautiful black dancers, kiddies. And I heartily approve. This girl was lovely with great control. I really didn't see the lack of performance quality the judges noted, although I did see the unfortunate almost mushroom 'do she was sporting. With the puffy roots? Oh, no, no, no. I know they have good hairdresser down on Peach Street who can keep the press tight. Hie thee hence, immediately.
Travis Dennison - Oh, great googly moogly! This is what happens when you watch too much UDA Dance Champoinships, noodles. Please take heed. And I'll be darned if he didn't look exactly like a coked up, Bizarro world Shankdaddy. Darlings, if we must have bad auditions, may they all be as enjoyable as this one. Oh, Wade. The show clearly hates you now.
Jamal Jackson and Victor Smalley - Forget about it. Both of these kids are sublime. Mia is going to love them more than her bleach bottle. Lots of tough contempo competition this year, though. I think Victor has a slight advantage. He's more dynamic and he pops onscreen. Good hair, too.
Antony and Antoine Hart - Oh, the twins. Yay, twins! I remember them from S4. The judges were right. They've grown a lot. The routine was cute, if not overly complicated, and Antony is still better than his brother. I agreed with sending them to do choreo, with good reason, as it turned out. Antoine is not a strong enough dancer for this show. Anthony showed that he's certainly stepped it up. I'm still not sure that there is enough there to get through Vegas, but I'm glad he's making it back.
The opposite of moderate, immaculately polished - Day Two
Matthew "Boogie Links" Pollard - He was not a half bad dancer in his style, and while at first I was put off by his bravado, I realized that it was swagger deployed to cover up for the low self-esteem of the busted. Because on the real, his face was not aesthetically pleasing, y'all. It saddens me to have to call that out since a) he seemed so humble and willing and eager to learn after not making it through the choreo and b) he shows serious signs of being color struck and can't we move on from that in the '09, black men? But the truth must be told. He may break bones, but he'll never break hearts. Oh, and he'll never make it on this show, but you knew that, right kittens?
Jessica Jensen - Dammit. Do I have to go through this every season on every show? Listen up, all you handicapable people considering trying out for AI/SYTYCD/any other talent based reality show not named America's Got Talent. You will never be a professional . . . anything. Producers will not work with you. Directors will not hire you. Shows will not cast you. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles are the exceptions that prove this rule. And that rule is double true for dancers. The god damned nubby arm girl had no balance, couldn't hold her center. And of course not! Cause she only has one hand. Fuck. I don't know whether she could've been good enough to be a professional dancer had she not gotten ill, but I do know that she'll never be one now. Poor girl, poor partner. The judges were wrong for that. They were never going to put her through and they should've said so, not fed her delusion by putting her through to choreo and encouraging her to come back and try out again. Jessica, let me tell you the real. Don't come back again. Keep dancing for you since you seem to enjoy it, but you are not going to be a professional dancer. Accept that. You'll thank me later.
Why the show always have to make me be a bitch, noodles?
Jonathan Bryant - Was an exhausting drama factory just in the clips, darlings. You can tell that there is some good raw material there, but ewww. There is not enough no in the world. Stank attitude + smart mouth + cry on demand spoiled child complex = Go far, far away.
Thomas "Crack Baby" Hamilton - Kittens, I still remember the Crack Baby from AI and she was one of my favorite things ever. Primarily because she didn't whine about it or let the show turn her life into a sob story for mass consumption. And yeah, she didn't even make it out of Hollywood Week, and neither will this kid make it out of Vegas week. He's a good dancer with solid technique, but that's not enough to cut it . . . unless he gets a boost from his sob story, which is wrong and makes me have tons less respect for him. Praise dancing? As your audition solo? Really? Taking us to your sick aunt's hospital bed? And to the old crack denny home? Yuck. As Lady GaGa commands, Just Dance. It'll be OK.
All done. Quick and dirty just how you like it.
Deep breath, kiddies. Tomorrow we're off to the Big Easy and some cat daddy is going to break out the wop! Bring it, N'awlins.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep 3 Wicked Game
Kittens, when did this show turn into So You Think You Can Be Annoying? Did I miss the memo? Despite the lovely and adorable Cat Deeley being even lovelier and adorabler than usual (if such thing is even possible), the show found a way to work my every last nerve last night, starting off with having Tasty Oreo front and center on my judges panel. Noodles, you know I love this show more than many of my pairs of shoes, but I just can’t if they are now deciding that spending five minutes showing reaction shots to Tasty breaking wind counts as entertainment. And while Unca Nigel and Co. do better than Idol at keeping the bad contestant shenanigans to an acceptable minimum, did we really need to spend that much time with Grampy Smurf? If I wanted to watch delusional old people and farting, I’d switch over to Dancing with the Stars and catch Tom Delay. I watch SYTYCD to see good dancing and relevant critiques of same. Don’t make me hurt you, show, is what I’m trying to say.
But there was good along with the trying last night, no? I have hope for this season’s contestants. I’m especially encouraged by all the hip hop talent that’s been coming across the stage. After a couple of seasons of death by NappyTab and a severely underwhelming outing for ABDC this summer, it would be fabulous to enjoy hip hop on TV again. Let’s peruse the contenders and the confounders from our time in Beantown, shall we?
The Contenders
Cat Deeley – Always. I continue to be charmed by her crazy mad fashion. Such a lovely peach blouse paired with . . . a gold plated, Mr. T medallion. And then she got down on the ground in her 7 for All Mankind jeans and busted some crazy B-Boy pose. And then she tried out her best Boston Brahmin accent. And then, there she was giving the side eye to Gene, the wannabe sex machine. Fascinating creature. Don’t ever change!
Jean Loretz – Kiddies, rocking those Sean Paul braids, this dude had me from the jump. Y’all know my mysterious weakness for Sean Paul. And I’ll admit, I had a moment’s trepidation when he started out with the modified salsa steps. But once he started in on the B-Boy moves? This kid is insane. I don’t know how the round the world thing he did is even physically possible. He’s hype. No doubt. I was surprised that they passed him straight through to Vegas, given what happened to the rest of the hip hop dancers, but I will be happy to see him again because he is fine and he can dance his ass off in his style. Hope he can do other things as well.
Kimara Wood – We saw about two seconds of him and it was glorious, wasn’t it? In addition to displaying some impressive jumps and seemingly lovely technique, this kid is easy on the eyes. Heavenly.
Channing Cook – Noodles, marvel at all the learning and growing that I am doing. Last season, Kayla taught me the error of writing off the perky blonde girls as hair flinging nightmares. So when Channing came on my screen, I actually thought, “Cute. I hope her dancing lives up to her perky personality.” I know! Crazy. But then the best thing ever happened. She turned out to be a lovely, strong dancer. Great lines. Good control. She definitely lacks polish and I see why they sent her to choreography. I think she may be too immature as a dancer to make it all the way through Vegas this year, but she was more than pleasant to watch, and I’ll be interested to see her in the coming rounds.
Russell Ferguson – Is OMG amazing. My word, darlings! I must agree with Nigel that he is by far the best krumper they have ever had on the show. If they were going to pass a street dancer straight through to Vegas, why on earth wasn’t it him? Any dancer with the level of body control that this kid displayed in his routine will be able to pick up other styles. Trust that this is so. And he has charisma for days and a smile that lights up a room. If he can hold on to all that swagger through the demands of Vegas, I can see him in the Top 20 for sure.
The Confounders
Ryan Casey – Awkward on the top, party on the bottom. Once this kid learns what to do with his arms and his upper body, he will be a monster. He could be the next Tommy Tune (which I was expecting Tasty to point out since he’s the Broadway guy – oh, wait, Tommy Tune never did Chicago. Never mind). 6’8” is a lot of body, as Ryan himself pointed out. And 18 is very young. This kid has a ton of up side. That said, he won’t ever really be right for this show, darlings. Who would you partner him with?
Fabio “Breeze” Jenkins – He repped hard for the fatty dancers. He really moved well and I enjoyed his popping and agreed with the judges for putting him through to the choreo. It was a shame that his injury kept him from finishing it. I do think he needs more training, but he impressed. Is he right for the show? Maybe not, but I enjoyed him.
Karen and Matthew – Well, they are very pretty. And that counts for a lot, noodles, as you well know. And Karen is a bona fide sex bomb. But . . . well . . . they weren’t exactly burning up the dance floor. After the force of nature that was Janette, the bar’s been set insanely high for salsa dancers on this show. And they were lacking. They were clean, but the hip action wasn’t quite all the way there. The feet could’ve been sharper. The turns lacked a little snap. She has tons of charisma and is a performer’s performer and he has solid partnering skills. I’m unsure how they’ll fare in Vegas. She may get in under the Susy and Asuka Memorial Sexy Girl clause, but I really don’t see Matthew getting even a whiff of top 20. Hope they meant it about being OK with one of them making it further than the other one.
Mary and Nigel – They were better last night than they’ve been in a minute. Mary managed to skirt the edges of that slutty cougar look she rooks so viciously. And Good Nigel came out to play and brought the relevant critiques with him. He even managed to keep most of his sleaze in check. I think it was a reaction to how hideous Tasty was being. They were trying to balance the force or some shit.
Kevin Hunt – Tasty’s a bitch, but he was right about this kid. That was a lazy audition. Clearly, the kid can dance, but this was yet another case of good but not great. And if he can do contemporary, where that at? If you don’t come to show and prove in your one shot to make it to Vegas, then why are we wasting time with you? I’m on the fence on this one, noodles. On the one hand, he’s a beautiful chocolate specimen. On the other hand, his swag is out of all proportion to his ability. Lotta mouth and not much to back it up with. On the other, other hand, he was humble and took the critiques well from the judges and he clearly recognized his mistake. On the other, other, other hand, do we really need another sub-par hip hopper after a parade of Tonys and Cedrics and Alans stretching back through the years? Hasn’t hip hop on this show suffered enough? I don’t think this kid can bring it like it should be broughten in Vegas, but people shock the hell out of me on a daily basis, so who knows?
Gene Burdison(?) – Oh, baby. No. How tragic for this kid. When Cat Deeley, the sweetest woman in the world, the woman who will let sweaty contestants funk up her Prada and put someone’s gummy, spit soaked grillz in her mouth, can’t stand your ass and lets it show all over her face? Something is horribly, horribly wrong with you. And you know the worst thing about this fake ass faker, kittens? He’s really good. Take away the Jim Carey faces, and he was all kinds of spectacular. And also a teensy bit sexy for real. I sincerely hope he can ratchet it down, because I’d love to have another sexy latin ballroom specialist on the show. But not this one if he keeps bringing the ridiculous lothario shtick.
Sigh. I’ve been trying to put it off, noodles. But the time has come. We must, must deal with Teddy and his plaid pants. Mama’s tired already, y’all. Let me tell you what I can’t take about this kid:
Teddy Tedholme(?) – First of all, ain’t no grown ass man I know who goes by Teddy in his day-to-day life unless his name is Teddy Pendergrass and he sings panty dropping love music. And this kid hasn’t ever had a whiff of the panties, so the egregious use of the Teddy is flat out wrong. Second of all, whimsy ≠ bow tie. Bow tie = Chris Brown, Woman Beater and/or Orville Redenbacher, Popcorn Pimp. All of all, you and your whole plaid pants, quirky thing are played out. Please go away now. That said, I will concede, kiddies, that the boy can move it. He’s crazy musical and has a quality of movement which I enjoyed even though the whole piece felt way too frantic. He’s obviously well trained and talented, which makes it even worse that he seems like such a complete tool. What an attention hogging, energy creature! Such a waste, y’all. Oh, also, Travis Wall, Jeanine and Jason made that Mraz song their bitch last year, so please stop biting.
And we’re done. I know I’m looking forward to Atlanta where Lil C will continue his assault on English grammar, kittens. What about you?
But there was good along with the trying last night, no? I have hope for this season’s contestants. I’m especially encouraged by all the hip hop talent that’s been coming across the stage. After a couple of seasons of death by NappyTab and a severely underwhelming outing for ABDC this summer, it would be fabulous to enjoy hip hop on TV again. Let’s peruse the contenders and the confounders from our time in Beantown, shall we?
The Contenders
Cat Deeley – Always. I continue to be charmed by her crazy mad fashion. Such a lovely peach blouse paired with . . . a gold plated, Mr. T medallion. And then she got down on the ground in her 7 for All Mankind jeans and busted some crazy B-Boy pose. And then she tried out her best Boston Brahmin accent. And then, there she was giving the side eye to Gene, the wannabe sex machine. Fascinating creature. Don’t ever change!
Jean Loretz – Kiddies, rocking those Sean Paul braids, this dude had me from the jump. Y’all know my mysterious weakness for Sean Paul. And I’ll admit, I had a moment’s trepidation when he started out with the modified salsa steps. But once he started in on the B-Boy moves? This kid is insane. I don’t know how the round the world thing he did is even physically possible. He’s hype. No doubt. I was surprised that they passed him straight through to Vegas, given what happened to the rest of the hip hop dancers, but I will be happy to see him again because he is fine and he can dance his ass off in his style. Hope he can do other things as well.
Kimara Wood – We saw about two seconds of him and it was glorious, wasn’t it? In addition to displaying some impressive jumps and seemingly lovely technique, this kid is easy on the eyes. Heavenly.
Channing Cook – Noodles, marvel at all the learning and growing that I am doing. Last season, Kayla taught me the error of writing off the perky blonde girls as hair flinging nightmares. So when Channing came on my screen, I actually thought, “Cute. I hope her dancing lives up to her perky personality.” I know! Crazy. But then the best thing ever happened. She turned out to be a lovely, strong dancer. Great lines. Good control. She definitely lacks polish and I see why they sent her to choreography. I think she may be too immature as a dancer to make it all the way through Vegas this year, but she was more than pleasant to watch, and I’ll be interested to see her in the coming rounds.
Russell Ferguson – Is OMG amazing. My word, darlings! I must agree with Nigel that he is by far the best krumper they have ever had on the show. If they were going to pass a street dancer straight through to Vegas, why on earth wasn’t it him? Any dancer with the level of body control that this kid displayed in his routine will be able to pick up other styles. Trust that this is so. And he has charisma for days and a smile that lights up a room. If he can hold on to all that swagger through the demands of Vegas, I can see him in the Top 20 for sure.
The Confounders
Ryan Casey – Awkward on the top, party on the bottom. Once this kid learns what to do with his arms and his upper body, he will be a monster. He could be the next Tommy Tune (which I was expecting Tasty to point out since he’s the Broadway guy – oh, wait, Tommy Tune never did Chicago. Never mind). 6’8” is a lot of body, as Ryan himself pointed out. And 18 is very young. This kid has a ton of up side. That said, he won’t ever really be right for this show, darlings. Who would you partner him with?
Fabio “Breeze” Jenkins – He repped hard for the fatty dancers. He really moved well and I enjoyed his popping and agreed with the judges for putting him through to the choreo. It was a shame that his injury kept him from finishing it. I do think he needs more training, but he impressed. Is he right for the show? Maybe not, but I enjoyed him.
Karen and Matthew – Well, they are very pretty. And that counts for a lot, noodles, as you well know. And Karen is a bona fide sex bomb. But . . . well . . . they weren’t exactly burning up the dance floor. After the force of nature that was Janette, the bar’s been set insanely high for salsa dancers on this show. And they were lacking. They were clean, but the hip action wasn’t quite all the way there. The feet could’ve been sharper. The turns lacked a little snap. She has tons of charisma and is a performer’s performer and he has solid partnering skills. I’m unsure how they’ll fare in Vegas. She may get in under the Susy and Asuka Memorial Sexy Girl clause, but I really don’t see Matthew getting even a whiff of top 20. Hope they meant it about being OK with one of them making it further than the other one.
Mary and Nigel – They were better last night than they’ve been in a minute. Mary managed to skirt the edges of that slutty cougar look she rooks so viciously. And Good Nigel came out to play and brought the relevant critiques with him. He even managed to keep most of his sleaze in check. I think it was a reaction to how hideous Tasty was being. They were trying to balance the force or some shit.
Kevin Hunt – Tasty’s a bitch, but he was right about this kid. That was a lazy audition. Clearly, the kid can dance, but this was yet another case of good but not great. And if he can do contemporary, where that at? If you don’t come to show and prove in your one shot to make it to Vegas, then why are we wasting time with you? I’m on the fence on this one, noodles. On the one hand, he’s a beautiful chocolate specimen. On the other hand, his swag is out of all proportion to his ability. Lotta mouth and not much to back it up with. On the other, other hand, he was humble and took the critiques well from the judges and he clearly recognized his mistake. On the other, other, other hand, do we really need another sub-par hip hopper after a parade of Tonys and Cedrics and Alans stretching back through the years? Hasn’t hip hop on this show suffered enough? I don’t think this kid can bring it like it should be broughten in Vegas, but people shock the hell out of me on a daily basis, so who knows?
Gene Burdison(?) – Oh, baby. No. How tragic for this kid. When Cat Deeley, the sweetest woman in the world, the woman who will let sweaty contestants funk up her Prada and put someone’s gummy, spit soaked grillz in her mouth, can’t stand your ass and lets it show all over her face? Something is horribly, horribly wrong with you. And you know the worst thing about this fake ass faker, kittens? He’s really good. Take away the Jim Carey faces, and he was all kinds of spectacular. And also a teensy bit sexy for real. I sincerely hope he can ratchet it down, because I’d love to have another sexy latin ballroom specialist on the show. But not this one if he keeps bringing the ridiculous lothario shtick.
Sigh. I’ve been trying to put it off, noodles. But the time has come. We must, must deal with Teddy and his plaid pants. Mama’s tired already, y’all. Let me tell you what I can’t take about this kid:
Teddy Tedholme(?) – First of all, ain’t no grown ass man I know who goes by Teddy in his day-to-day life unless his name is Teddy Pendergrass and he sings panty dropping love music. And this kid hasn’t ever had a whiff of the panties, so the egregious use of the Teddy is flat out wrong. Second of all, whimsy ≠ bow tie. Bow tie = Chris Brown, Woman Beater and/or Orville Redenbacher, Popcorn Pimp. All of all, you and your whole plaid pants, quirky thing are played out. Please go away now. That said, I will concede, kiddies, that the boy can move it. He’s crazy musical and has a quality of movement which I enjoyed even though the whole piece felt way too frantic. He’s obviously well trained and talented, which makes it even worse that he seems like such a complete tool. What an attention hogging, energy creature! Such a waste, y’all. Oh, also, Travis Wall, Jeanine and Jason made that Mraz song their bitch last year, so please stop biting.
And we’re done. I know I’m looking forward to Atlanta where Lil C will continue his assault on English grammar, kittens. What about you?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep1 Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back
Cat is wearing her formal toga tonight made with the good satin bed sheets, so you know shit is about to get real, darlings! Let’s get excited.
I was worried. After a brief late summer of apathy over ABDC, I wondered if I’d be up for the return of our beloved show for its sixth season. Noodles, I couldn’t even get motivated to write about last week’s Top 15 SYTYCDances of all time according to Nigel “I’m so awesome my show cures cancer!” Lythgoe and that with my outrage at no Blake from S1. Jigga what? Maybe my snark was all used up?
And then tonight, bam, Mary comes out dressed like the greeter at the Happy Hooker Retirement Village and oh, look! There it is! But there really wasn’t too much to snark about tonight, was there, kiddies? Lots of good talent on display. Nigel was on his best behavior, letting Shankdaddy do homophobia duty. (What? Gay on gay homophobia is still homophobia. You can’t fool me show) Anya and Pasha were choreographing for the lucky losers’ round. There was less Kasprzak pimping than I feared and fewer joke auditions in this lean, one hour season kick off. Care to join me in the shallow end of the dance pool? The water’s fine.
Day One
Cole – And just like that, we get to the laughable exception that proves the rule. Obviously, this idiot just wanted to get on TV. Which he did. Watching the judges openly mock this fool was mildly amusing, especially because he was so clearly in on the joke. Hell, he was the joke, no? But honestly, I could’ve seen more than a second of Daniel the ballet boy in lieu of this crap. Next.
Molly Gray – Pretty little girl. Very HSM. But darlings, in her intro clip, was she wearing a powder blue, off the shoulder, ruffled romper? Oh, Utah. Really? She had some really lovely moments in that audition. There was one particularly nice triple turn. But Nigel was on the money here. She lacks any depth to her dancing. Mary was right, too. She’s an immature dancer. But there is good raw material there. She could grow and she’s quite likeable, so she could go far if she actually winds up making top 20.
Montage ‘o Pretty Dancers, Part 1 – Two of these, I loved, noodles, and one appeared to be a hair flinging nightmare. Shall I let you guess who’s who? David H., Amanda Kirby, Brandon Dumlao. Give up yet? Sigh. Amanda Kirby, you may have some decent technique hiding under those competition tics and all that hair flinging, but I honestly couldn’t tell. David H. was gorgeous. I would like some more of that. Brandon showed some interesting movement from the three seconds or so we saw. I’ll be excited to see two of these three again.
Kittens, here’s where I confess that I don’t want to see either Ryan K. or Bianca on the show this year, and it’s not because I think either of them is a bad dancer. Let’s be real. That tap battle was ridiculous. It was, as Shankdaddy noted, the most fun audition of the night by a country mile. And while I didn’t like Ryan’s solo audition (Side note: I didn’t like it when Will did a semi-spoken word piece for his audition either. This is not So You Think You Can Be a Performance Artist), the boy can tap his behind off. And if memory serves and history teaches, he is a more versatile dancer than was his brother. That said, Ryan’s tenure on the show, should he make it, will just be an opportunity to re-fight the Evan wars, much as Lacey’s time on the show was Love It or Hate It: Benji Wars II, despite the fact that Lacey was a 100% better dancer than her brother. Just let Ryan choreograph already. He will turn it out. Now Bianca. Bianca, Bianca, Bianca. She thinks her shit doesn’t stink, kiddies. She oozes entitlement. Her call out of Ryan was too cute by half, and clearly they knew they were going to do it from the jump. And I still have a bad taste in my mouth from her exit from the show last season. The bitch has ugly ways, and that will tell over the course of a long season. She’s a great dancer, very talented, but she will not be America’s favorite dancer. Trust that this is so. Given that, I’d rather have someone new.
Delusional Small Asian Man – God love the gays. Christopher Aguilar, you are fabulous. I have no doubt that your entire life is a starring role in the Flower Drum Song in your mind. Normally, I deplore joke auditions, but I must, must love you as much as the judges did. Shankdaddy was so cute with him. They love musicals and dancing in a very similar way, I suspect, only Shankman is actually talented and Christopher here, well, check the lead in. Still, he was fun.
Day Two
Mary’s day two dress was much better. And is it just me, or is the weave a little less “LOOK AT ME” this season, kiddies? I miss the kankelon.
Amber Williams – I am sensing a theme for this season and I don’t like it. I don’t care about Brokeback Mama. She’s in a wheelchair and it’s hard and you had to stop dancing for a minute and let me wipe away the tears with my plastic hand, OK? Can you dance? Just show and prove. Show and prove. I will not be pleased if these sob stories continue apace. Oh, the girl, you say? The girl’s fine, I guess. Lovely turn with the drop to the floor, as Mary pointed out. And she was nicely light on her feet, not a heavy dancer. She just lacks oomph. Eh. I don’t quibble with the pass to Vegas, but I’d be surprised to see her among the top 10 girls.
Montage o’ Pretty Dancers, Part 2 – This one hit it out of the park, noodles. Alexie is a dynamo. I definitely will have my eye out for her. Very interesting movement vocabulary. And Paula van Oppen. Ye, gods! I will dream of Paula and her pretty yellow dress. That girl is a force. So grounded, really dancing down into the floor and yet her dancing had a light, effortless quality. Oh, this one is a find, kittens. Paula van Oppen. She is one to watch.
Christina Santana – Sexy girl. Spins like a top. Her body is en fuego. Nigel wants to do her. Therefore, she’s in. I guess it doesn’t matter that the hip hop flavor was insanely wrong. Wrong on every level. And that she’s not all that great as a salsa dancer. She had to come to a complete stop between some of her moves. No flow. Eh. We need our redshirts for Vegas, I guess.
Phillip Attamore – Now this is what I’m talking about. If we must have a tapper, let it be this one. This kid was dynamite. Such a smooth style. And he wasn’t aping other tappers; he was drawing on tap traditions to make something uniquely his own. Oh also, hot as hell, noodles. Yum.
Is that all? Awww. I want to see that screaming black kid right now. He looks like fun. Until next week, kittens. We’re off to a smashing start.
I was worried. After a brief late summer of apathy over ABDC, I wondered if I’d be up for the return of our beloved show for its sixth season. Noodles, I couldn’t even get motivated to write about last week’s Top 15 SYTYCDances of all time according to Nigel “I’m so awesome my show cures cancer!” Lythgoe and that with my outrage at no Blake from S1. Jigga what? Maybe my snark was all used up?
And then tonight, bam, Mary comes out dressed like the greeter at the Happy Hooker Retirement Village and oh, look! There it is! But there really wasn’t too much to snark about tonight, was there, kiddies? Lots of good talent on display. Nigel was on his best behavior, letting Shankdaddy do homophobia duty. (What? Gay on gay homophobia is still homophobia. You can’t fool me show) Anya and Pasha were choreographing for the lucky losers’ round. There was less Kasprzak pimping than I feared and fewer joke auditions in this lean, one hour season kick off. Care to join me in the shallow end of the dance pool? The water’s fine.
Day One
Cole – And just like that, we get to the laughable exception that proves the rule. Obviously, this idiot just wanted to get on TV. Which he did. Watching the judges openly mock this fool was mildly amusing, especially because he was so clearly in on the joke. Hell, he was the joke, no? But honestly, I could’ve seen more than a second of Daniel the ballet boy in lieu of this crap. Next.
Molly Gray – Pretty little girl. Very HSM. But darlings, in her intro clip, was she wearing a powder blue, off the shoulder, ruffled romper? Oh, Utah. Really? She had some really lovely moments in that audition. There was one particularly nice triple turn. But Nigel was on the money here. She lacks any depth to her dancing. Mary was right, too. She’s an immature dancer. But there is good raw material there. She could grow and she’s quite likeable, so she could go far if she actually winds up making top 20.
Montage ‘o Pretty Dancers, Part 1 – Two of these, I loved, noodles, and one appeared to be a hair flinging nightmare. Shall I let you guess who’s who? David H., Amanda Kirby, Brandon Dumlao. Give up yet? Sigh. Amanda Kirby, you may have some decent technique hiding under those competition tics and all that hair flinging, but I honestly couldn’t tell. David H. was gorgeous. I would like some more of that. Brandon showed some interesting movement from the three seconds or so we saw. I’ll be excited to see two of these three again.
Kittens, here’s where I confess that I don’t want to see either Ryan K. or Bianca on the show this year, and it’s not because I think either of them is a bad dancer. Let’s be real. That tap battle was ridiculous. It was, as Shankdaddy noted, the most fun audition of the night by a country mile. And while I didn’t like Ryan’s solo audition (Side note: I didn’t like it when Will did a semi-spoken word piece for his audition either. This is not So You Think You Can Be a Performance Artist), the boy can tap his behind off. And if memory serves and history teaches, he is a more versatile dancer than was his brother. That said, Ryan’s tenure on the show, should he make it, will just be an opportunity to re-fight the Evan wars, much as Lacey’s time on the show was Love It or Hate It: Benji Wars II, despite the fact that Lacey was a 100% better dancer than her brother. Just let Ryan choreograph already. He will turn it out. Now Bianca. Bianca, Bianca, Bianca. She thinks her shit doesn’t stink, kiddies. She oozes entitlement. Her call out of Ryan was too cute by half, and clearly they knew they were going to do it from the jump. And I still have a bad taste in my mouth from her exit from the show last season. The bitch has ugly ways, and that will tell over the course of a long season. She’s a great dancer, very talented, but she will not be America’s favorite dancer. Trust that this is so. Given that, I’d rather have someone new.
Delusional Small Asian Man – God love the gays. Christopher Aguilar, you are fabulous. I have no doubt that your entire life is a starring role in the Flower Drum Song in your mind. Normally, I deplore joke auditions, but I must, must love you as much as the judges did. Shankdaddy was so cute with him. They love musicals and dancing in a very similar way, I suspect, only Shankman is actually talented and Christopher here, well, check the lead in. Still, he was fun.
Day Two
Mary’s day two dress was much better. And is it just me, or is the weave a little less “LOOK AT ME” this season, kiddies? I miss the kankelon.
Amber Williams – I am sensing a theme for this season and I don’t like it. I don’t care about Brokeback Mama. She’s in a wheelchair and it’s hard and you had to stop dancing for a minute and let me wipe away the tears with my plastic hand, OK? Can you dance? Just show and prove. Show and prove. I will not be pleased if these sob stories continue apace. Oh, the girl, you say? The girl’s fine, I guess. Lovely turn with the drop to the floor, as Mary pointed out. And she was nicely light on her feet, not a heavy dancer. She just lacks oomph. Eh. I don’t quibble with the pass to Vegas, but I’d be surprised to see her among the top 10 girls.
Montage o’ Pretty Dancers, Part 2 – This one hit it out of the park, noodles. Alexie is a dynamo. I definitely will have my eye out for her. Very interesting movement vocabulary. And Paula van Oppen. Ye, gods! I will dream of Paula and her pretty yellow dress. That girl is a force. So grounded, really dancing down into the floor and yet her dancing had a light, effortless quality. Oh, this one is a find, kittens. Paula van Oppen. She is one to watch.
Christina Santana – Sexy girl. Spins like a top. Her body is en fuego. Nigel wants to do her. Therefore, she’s in. I guess it doesn’t matter that the hip hop flavor was insanely wrong. Wrong on every level. And that she’s not all that great as a salsa dancer. She had to come to a complete stop between some of her moves. No flow. Eh. We need our redshirts for Vegas, I guess.
Phillip Attamore – Now this is what I’m talking about. If we must have a tapper, let it be this one. This kid was dynamite. Such a smooth style. And he wasn’t aping other tappers; he was drawing on tap traditions to make something uniquely his own. Oh also, hot as hell, noodles. Yum.
Is that all? Awww. I want to see that screaming black kid right now. He looks like fun. Until next week, kittens. We’re off to a smashing start.
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