Saddle up, pardners and let Cowboy Ryan welcome you to Season 8 of your American Idol. Note to Ryan: We love you when you are all sparkly and shiny. Please leave plaid to the Rufus Humphrey's of the world. 'kay? Thx. Bye.
Alright, AIlettes, can we deal with the opening montage? Thank you show, for the gift of memories. You know we're scared. We fear the new, the unknown, what we don't understand. And so you give us an awesome, awesome dose of AI best ofs. To whit: It’s the Paula/Simon kiss. It’s that crazy white wing man! And tweety bird woman. The Pickle! Daughtry! Oh, they are bringing it. Bush Baby! And Clay’s doppelganger stalker. The Hoff. The Brittenum Twins. Carzy crying girl. The Ponyhawk. She Bangs! Michaela Gordon. ‘Tasia! Eww, Taylor. Kelly Clarkson. EEEEEE!!!! And then they ruin it with the fivehead. But I can't even be mad. The only thing that could've made it better was if they'd used "For the Good Times" but middle America may not be ready for Reverend Al.
Take it away, pocket host.
And what a way to start. What is Paula wearing? For the love of god. Is that gold lame woven into that ruffled black monstrosity? Why? Let's take it day by day, because ain't no worst to first during early round AI.
Day One
Tuan Ngyuen? Just, no. No. Wow. Not enough no in the world. Just. Wow. Kara Dioridiculous. You’ve never seen anything like that? You need to watch more American Idol.
That was weaksauce, Idol. Come hard or go home.
Emily Hughes. Quirky white girl. Singer mom with frustrated dreams of stardom of her own. We get to see a lot of backstory. Yeah, she’s going Hollywood. No doubt. Randy. “It’s about you in this life, yo?” Really? Why are you so useless? And yeah, she’s alright, but you and I both know, Idol fans, that she will never, never, never win. So, she just screwed her friends for what? Sleep well, sweet thing.
Old Ass Man. Ain’t no way this old ass man is 28. 38, maybe. And if he wants someone to tell him that he's great, I've got some advice for him. It goes like so: Stop wearing that ridiculous bandana. Stop acting like you're 15 years younger than you really are. And stop thinking you can be a musician. Karaoke. Live it. Learn it. Love it. Oh, PS, you are pathetic. Step off.
Sidebar: Simon capping on “Straight Up”? Priceless. Priceless. And it took Paula about five minutes to get it. And she’s flipping him off by faking scratching her head? Lame. Paula, are you five? Oh wait, never mind.
Back to the story – He was boring and nobody cares. That’s 5-7 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
Young dude. He was not even worth my time. I’m sure he's slaying ‘em in the aisles at his HS talent show. I was bored, JB. If he gets out of the Hollywood round, he won’t make it past top 24. Next.
Michael Grrrr? Punks jump up to get beat down. Next.
Montage o’ suck. Men don’t sing Celine Dion. Nope, not Dionne Warwick, either. Just man up, bitches.
X-Ray. Here's a personal message from me to you. Ready? You are a fool. And you need more curl activator. If you’re going to rock the jheri, keep it tight. The sad thing is, he doesn’t have an entirely horrible voice. Too bad he chose to act a damn fool rather than audition.
Arianna Plasticprincess. No more 16 year olds. For the love of all that’s holy. One Jordin Sparks is more than enough. And that local pay it forward program? Yeah, cry me a river, all right? This is a talent competition show. Eh, she doesn't have a terrible voice, but she's nothing special. It will be fun to watch this show grind her under its heel.
Final thought on day one. Lots of men made it through. Huh. Oh well, onward and upward, kittens.
Day Two
Fashion Police Note (And I can tell there will be many, many this season): Paula and Kara Dionovalueadd appear to have coordinated their outfits. Are they two? Seriously.
Elijah Scarlett. Deep ass voice. He should do voice over work. He’s the cutest thing ever!! Can’t sing a lick, bless his heart. But he is a cutie. He was so cute, he made Paula make a valid and useful suggestion. He is magic!
Leah Marie. Seriously, show. No. More. 16. Year. Olds. Hate. So much hate. Haaaaaatttteeeee. It burns. And she loves Kara Diodeathofthisshow. No wonder. Spawn of the devil. Frikkin’ new judge already bringing trouble. She was on some Tracy Flick trip.
Stevie Wright. Well, she was a big old horse face girl and she dressed like a cow. So I thought maybe she would sing like a nightengale? Keep the animal theme alive, Stevie. Well, she was no Etta James. She ain’t got the pipes for that song, sweeties. And what did I just say about 16 year olds? Just say no, show.
Michael Sarver. He-man Oilman. I will not be able to stand him for a whole season. Trust. Cute kids, though. Wait, I take that back. Homeslice can straight up blow. What? I apologize He-man Oilman. You rocked the party.
Bad audition medley. Again. Bored now.
Katrina Darrow. Ok, hype aside, bikini woman is not even cute. And Ryan, no one believed that you were thinking about making out with that girl. And no, she couldn’t sing. She sounded like me in the shower. Mimi will spank that ass and send her home crying on her stripper heels. Ryan has never looked as uncomfortable as he did during that kiss.
And BTW, Ryan, we have not accepted the new judge. Kisses.
Eric Thomas, AKA Sexual Chocolate. I think I love you. I would've loved him even more if he'd actually sung “Greatest Love of All” and then screamed “Sexshul Chocolate” when he was done. Oh my heavens. Paula capping on his tat was hilarious. And what’s up with P-dog's glasses? And Simon. ”Thank you, Sexshul.” Comedy gold, my friends. Sexshul Mom, please don’t give that fool a car. For real.
Brianna Quijada. Cute as a button. Can’t sing, though. But very cute. And Hollywood needs it’s deadweight redshirts.
At this point in the show, I was sick of white Stevie Wonder already.
Deanna Brown. Boring, bland, blonde. Generically decent voice. Whatever. Don’t care about you at all. Next.
Ryan is hilarious though. “Deanna, I love it when you baby sit me.” I love you, tiny, overly groomed man.
Tony Somebody. Oops, Cody Somebody. Weirdo. That’s alright. I like weirdos. I didn’t think he could really sing all that well, though. Sad for him.
Alex Wagner Trugman. Oh, my, how I love geeks. Love the geeks! And he fucking turned it out! He’s so cute. I don’t think he’ll get through Hollywood week, but if he does somehow wind up in the top 24, he could totally fill the Chicken Little/John Stevens/JPL slot. Every now and again, I love a good "Suck it, Simon" contestant, and this fool seems ripe for the Sanjaya-ing. Gooooo, geeks!
Why did Idol do that to that Bon Jovi classic? What did JBJ ever do to you, Simon Fuller? Didn't he come on and play the mentor? Let Jordin murder his song? And this is how you repay him. Hmmph. Fine friend you is.
Scott McIntyre. I hate you. I don’t care if you sing like frikkin’ Pavarotti. Next.
PS, you don’t sing like Pavarotti.
And we’re done. Well, it held my interest for almost the entire two hours. I didn’t switch over to The Biggest Loser even once. New judge sucks tremendous amounts of ass and if I have to hear her sing again, somebody will get cut. But all in all, there've been worse starts to AI. What say you kiddies? In for a penny, in for a pound or is it time for cutting and running? I know I'll be back. I'd even brave KC and the Fivehead for Idol. That's love, y'all.
Seacrest, Out. I miss that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment