Kittens, I’m gonna get this recap done today come hell or high water! I know I’m cutting it beyond close, but if you think back to Simon’s expression just after Kara Diobadtouch, Paula and Randy got done putting through Sharon Wilbur (and her little dog, too) then you will know my level of disdain for Jacksonville and all things Jacksonvillian. Darlings, we have hit a new low when even our ever intrepid Ryan is traumatized by having his nipples fondled on national TV by some halfwit neverwas. Bleagh. Stop the madness, show.
Well, let’s get down with the get down because Salt Lake will be upon us momentarily.
Josh Ulloa – Can’t sing. I think that about says it all.
Dana Moreno – Needs a good ass whupping for what she did to “Through the Fire.” You do not want to play with Chaka Khan.
Keneswa Taylor – Poor baby couldn’t hold a note, was dressed in a picnic blanket, and had a mom consistently feeding her delusions of fierceness (which should totally be the subject of the next Tyra Banks show). Moms of America, do not puff up your kids' egos with lies about how special and talented they are. Some kids are just ugly and stupid and not all that gifted. It happens. Accept that.
Julissa Veloz – She was not entirely terrible and I had completely given her up for lost when she came in with her big old horse face, bad, bad bangs, $19.99 quincenara dress and $1.99 Beauty Show sash. That said, she’s nothing more than cut bait during Hollywood Week so exactly why did we waste our time on her, kiddies? T’is a puzzle.
But oh, oh . . . I know why. For the best moment of this whole show (other than Ryan getting lost in the jungle in a golf cart – while being artistically lit from the side). Nobody puts Paula in the corner, bitches!! I can’t wait for the day Paula takes Randy out with a cubic zirconia and a leather fingerless glove. We love you, Pau-pau!
Darren Darnell – Is a psychopath. I think that about says it all.
Naomi Sykes – Hold me, kittens. I’m traumatized. I don’t know what was more horrifying. Randy and his Randette spooning in the corner. (It was like a chubby chasers wildest dream over there, y’all!) Paula and Simon renewing their sick sex shenanigans. This poor girl murdering that Minnie Riperton classic. (And note to all AI contestants past, present and future: No one but Minnie can sing this song. No one. No, not you. No, no, not you either. Hell to the naw) Or could it have been . . . was it maybe . . . Ryan may need some crisis counseling, y’all. What that girl done to him? That ain’t right.
Jasmine Murray – So noodles, I’m torn. Jasmine was a big ball of beautiful. Can’t you see her on TRL? Oh, sorry, you can’t because that show doesn’t come on anymore. Let’s try that again. Can’t you see her on FNMTV? But the truth is besides her questionable taste in music (Fergie? Really?), she didn’t have that great of a voice. Still she was cute, and her family was adorable. And I guess in the season of blind and talentless contestants, the one eyed, kinda talented girl is king, so float on, Jasmine.
George Ramirez – I kind of hated him until I realized that he was totally straight up serious as a heart attack with his whole persona and then I kind of totally fell in love with him. Call me, George. You, me and the Rubik’s cube man will hang out. We’ll talk loud and draw a crowd. Or you know, speak very quietly so as not to disturb the crazy.
Anne Marie Boskovic – In which we reaffirm that time tested truth from that classic of the American cinema Grease that if you want to get ahead in life, turn yourself into a whore. She’s a fun girl and she has a lovely voice. She will get pimped up, out, inside out and down and then wind up more twisted up in the game than Brooke White last season. She is not for this show, but she’s fab nonetheless. I liked.
TK Hash – Every nice thing I said above, flip it and reverse it and you have my feelings about TK Hash. Much like Grease II took all that was good and pure about Grease and ground it under Adrian Zmed’s dirty boot heel, TK is the oversung, over-hyped, antithesis of Anne Marie Boskovic, a byproduct of watching too much AI. He took everything that’s horrible about some very good singers and turned that into his raison d’etre. Bleagh. Of course, he’ll probably make the show.
Michael Perrelli – Tool. Pretentious, entitled tool. Tool that the judges would put through at least to Hollywood Week 99.9% of the time. And yet, they resisted somehow. And gave this fool a righteous smackdown to boot. Well played, panel. You’ve saved us from Fivehead II: Revenge of Fivehead, and for that, at least, I am grateful.
Thus ends our time in J-ville. And just under the wire too. Let’s all enjoy even more Idol a couple of hours from now, shall we? Who’s excited?
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