Kittens, when the best bad that the show can muster is a fifth rate Cuba Gooding, Jr. knock off "whoo"-ing his way through a horrible rendition of some CCR song and then hugging it out into the sunset with his red clad man friend, you know that the show is just not bringing it like it should be broughten. Louisville was better than SF, but hello, low bar. I have nothing to say about the bad auditioners from last night, especially considering that none of them were even 1/10 as embarassing as Kara Diodon't. There's so much. It is too much. Friends and fans, my new tactic is to ignore. I will just pretend that I live in a world where there is only Paula, Randy, and Simon. And my lovely, lovely pocket gay, Ryan Seacrest who was 15 different flavors of cute last night, each one more scrumptious than the last.
So we know that there were lots of bugs last night, darlings, but what of the Sluggers? Well, I think we had a few winners in the crop. Maybe even enough to go from first to worst among the contenders, what? Saddle up and let's take a turn around the track.
Win
Leneshe Young - Three things I hate about Idol: 1)teenage contestants; 2) sob stories; and 3) delusional contestants who try to sing their own original compositions. So why, oh why do I love, love, love Leneshe? Maybe it's because she is made of awesome. The cute mom? Love! The yellow top/skinny jeans combo? Love! The sassy attitude? Love! And the voice? Oh my, yes. Love! I even thought the song was hot, as the Dawg noted. (Althought I'm still trying to puzzle out the title. Natty? Nappy? What was it?) There'll be time for hating later, but for now. The girl is made of win.
Kris Allen - We got all of about a second of this dude singing "A Song for You", but it was enough to make me want to see much, much more. I really only ever want to hear two people sing this song, Donny Hathaway and Elliot Yamin (and we'll come back to how Simon took his name in vain later), but if he keeps going the way he did last night, I might add this dudes name to the list. And really, we so needed to see the delusional, Paris Hilton-esque nightmare of a first contestant that we had to shortchange this kid? Was it funny? Did it add any nutritional value? I didn't think so.
Place
Brent Keith Smith - Let me state for the record, kiddies, that I do not like this fool at all. Having said that, he's pretty much perfect for this show. He walked in and Paula started making plans for new and creative ways to incur scandals, lawsuits and tell all books. This kid better keep his booty call slots wide open, because she is about to be all over that. And he doesn't have a terrible voice, but that's not really the point with contestants like him anyway. Simon was right, as always, that the song choice sucked tremendous amounts of ass and did him no favors. And were I commenting on someone who I'm decidedly just not even acknowledging, then I'd have something to say about that right here. But I'm not. So I don't. So all that to say that this kid has a shot at going fairly deep - Top 10, Top 8 even, if he plays his cards right. And I will hate him every minute for doing so.
Joanna Pacitti - I'd say she's Carly 2.0, but that's giving her too much credit. She sang what may be my absolute all time favorite Pat Benatar song, which gives her at least one cool point for good taste. That said, the singing was wholly underwhelming and it's clear to me why she never became the next big thing. I'm not sure I'm down for the desparation tango again this season, and since Joanna was already as jumpy as a long tail cat in a room full of rockers and it's only round one, I don't think she'd hold up over the course of the entire season. Let's save ourselves weeks of meltdown now, shall we and just put this girl on a bus back to shaky town.
Show
Alex Grace - She's cute as a button and her baby is the most adorablest thing on this earth. (Note to Jesus is for the Kids: That's how it's done) And her rendition of Dr. Feelgood wasn't terrible. She's just so shouty, y'all. If you put her and Von in a room together, they'd bust eardrums for miles around. Please, please let's hope she unlearns that old Idol maxim that loud is the new good, 'cause I think underneath all that yelling, she might just have an OK voice and I'd love to hear it some time.
Matt Giraud - How Simon could compare this goat voiced, vibrato abuser to Elliot Yamin is beyond me. Heresy! This was another complete head scratcher from the judges. Everything about this fool was annoying, from his fake fun dueling pianos (which, if I were in a bar and some one were to present that to me as some form of "entertainment", heads would get busted and beer bottles smashed) to his faux adorably dorky geek schtick. Matt Giraud, we watched Elliot Yamin. We knew Elliot Yamin; Elliot Yamin was a friend of ours. Fool, you are no Elliot Yamin. Next.
Felicia Barton - I kind of wanted to like her, kittens, but then she went and sang that Corinne Bailey Ray song which is fast becoming this year's played out number of the audition cycle. So now I can't tell whether I dislike her or just am over the song. I'll have an eye out in Hollywood, because my gut says it was the song choice and that there's something to enjoy about this girl. On the real though, homegirl needs a lot of work. A LOT of work. Makeovers can't come soon enough.
Noodles, only three more hours of audition rounds before the extended crazy of Hollywood Week. Simon at his nastiest and most bitter! Group sings! The elevator! The chair! Time to look all these gift horses in the mouth.
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