SYTYCD S7 Ep9 On Front Street

Do you hear the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, noodles? They must be close because TBC has flipped the script and become my favorite dancer this season, Tyce produced a Broadway routine that was not complete and utter crap without even an ounce of redeeming value, Mandy Moore produced a better dance routine than Travis Wall, the trick happy ballroom choreographers made me long for the subtlety of Alex da Silva, the choreographers continue to attempt to murder this season’s contestants one by one like villains in an Agatha Christie novel, and Cat and her pulled from 1971 fishtail braid were kind of annoying last night. Kittens, it’s the end of the world as we know it. But do we feel fine? Let’s find out.

Many, many of these dancers got totally exposed last night. There was some blood on that dance floor. There were honestly only two dancers who survived both routines unscathed last night, and they’re the two who are the two who have any chance at winning the show this season, Kent and Lauren (still blonde but significantly less annoyingly toothy and cheerleader-ish).

Exposed – Lauren got a big ole butt (Oh, yeah)

I’m mad at the judges putting a Tahitian dance on the show. Yes, I realize that unlike “African jazz” or “Lyrical”, Polynesian dancing is an actual thing. But the point, darlings, is that no one on the show, not the judges, not the contestants, not the audience, knows what it should look like. So how can we judge the quality of the performance? TBC shook her moneymaker for all she was worth and to my mind, it looked more like the Beyonce booty shake from Crazy in Love than something I’d see at the Maui Hilton, but what do I know? Exactly, noodles. So there was a dance. There were a lot of hips and knees and shaking. Mark looked amazing all naked from the waist up and covered in tribal tattoos (Thanks, crackhos!). The judges didn’t know what to say about the performance which took Nigel right to the creepy perv place and it was just as ewwww and awkward as ever. The choreographer wore a flower in her hair and OK, Polynesian people we get it. You are a tropical people. Stop with the flowers. And then it was all over. I don’t know, kiddies, unless I’m watching The Brady Bunch episode where they all go to Hawaii, I really don’t need to see modified hula on my TV screen.

Luckily, Mandy rode to the rescue, with her tennis shoe props and laid it down. Best routine of the night, noodles! How can one not groove to Boogie Shoes? Family, TBC turned it out here. Funky, funky white girl. That bouncy, side by side groove she had going with Billy? So much fun. Surprise! I love this girl a really lot. She’s leapfrogged both Billy and Kent as my number one choice to win it all. Which of course means that she won’t. But a girl can dream, no?

Exposed – You can take the boy out of the bell tower, but you can’t take the Hunchback out of the boy.

So this is ostensibly about Kent, but due to the fatal flaw of the season, the inclusion of “all star” dancers, we must, must deal with the Neil situation. The Hunchback was back in full effect in that Tyce Broadway piece. (And at the very least, he didn’t go with Chicago. Probably only because Joey got there first, but still) The bad posture? Check. Lack of musicality? Check. Lack of transitions between tumbling passes? Check? Inability to not fall out of even simple double turns? Check. Nigel was right that Kent looked like the all star in that routine, but primarily because Neil looked so, so bad. The routine was not good. But it’s Tasty and it was Broadway, so what could one expect?

Kent danced well last night, but he was not well served by his choreographers. We did not enjoy the Dee Casprey contemporary, noodles. Too much business with the stupid chairs. Too much quirk and crimp with the movements. The boys barely had a chance to live and breathe through the moves before Dee’s mad choreo put them into another broken down doll position. Kent delivered as well as he could. He’s a marvelous technician. And he has been doing better at turning off the Wapokeneta Kid persona. I still like him and think he could win. And I’d be OK with that. But he’s definitely slipped to second for me.

Exposed – Billy Bell is a great contemporary dancer and that’s really about it.

Kittens, Billy was not made for this competition. Not that many could have rescued a jive choreographed to Paradise by the Dashboard Light. (Et tu, Louis?) But still, it wasn’t very good. As long as he and Anya were doing side by side work, he was passable, although what he was doing didn’t look very much like jive, but the closed hold work was excrable. Darlings, this boy is just not built for ballroom. Contrast the kind of fish out of water performance he turned in for that ballroom with his fine work in Mandy’s jazz piece. I never knew that little white boy had that much soul. Grooving through those bouncy steps, knees akimbo. Plucking out some groovy air guitar. There were even a few believably saucy pelvic thrusts. And as Shankdaddy pointed out, he looked like he was having fun and enjoying himself for one of the first times ever on this show. As much as I wanted Billy to make top 10, I now don’t believe that this format is the right way to showcase his abundance of gifts. Somehow, his particular brand of genius, so alien, so almost delicately twisted, doesn’t easily translate. I have no doubt he’ll be hugely successful in the real world of dance. But I highly doubt he’ll come close to sniffing the S7 crown. Nor should he, kiddies. I love him, but not for this show.

Exposed – Robert still dances like a competition kid and the judges fucking love dead or sick people

Sigh. I can’t anymore with Robert, kiddies. Yes, he’s taken the mugging down about 1000 notches. Yes, he’s got a solid foundation of technique and training. But he’s the most no there there dancer I’ve ever seen. Let’s start by acknowledging that Travis’ choreography, and his fine use of one of the only Coldplay songs I can stomach, Fix You, was lovely. Let’s also acknowledge, noodles, that the routine was far from the best of this or any other season. Hell, it wasn’t even the best of the night. But as ever since Mia unleashed the unholy Dead Daddy Dance on an unsuspecting world, it’s become illegal to critique a dance which deals with death, disease or illness in any way, the judges all decided to pretend that there hadn’t been someone named Alex Wong on the show not more than two short weeks ago. OK, judges. Not everyone has short term memory loss. Now let’s talk about Allison, who was divine in this piece. She is a wonder and a revelation and it still chaps my ass that she didn’t even make top 6 in her season. Not even top 6. Hang your heads, America! Bitches. Now, we can talk about Robert, who was more than competent in the piece, but disappeared when compared with the brilliance that was Allison. She pulled focus from him despite the fact that the Trannys in hair and make up gave her pickaninnie braids. The only part where Robert really stood out was at the end when he was walking with Allison on top of his feet. Lovely. Really lovely.

Kittens, weren’t you praying that we’d get through an entire season without Doriana? I know. I know. But there she was, with Robert and Ashley. Doing her same trick overload as ever. And this time, she actually managed to take one of the dancers out, which I’m amazed hasn’t happened before. The routine was crap, trick after trick after trick, leaving little time for the dancers to, you know, dance. I hated it, darlings. Haaaatttteeee. Not even Kathryn could save it. And Mia nailed it when she noted how light Robert was dancing. His center is so lacking. He’s not grounded enough, not dancing with his core engaged. And therefore, he just looks inconsequential in his dancing. I wish these studios would spend more time on barre work, on fundamentals with these kids. Yes, plie and up, releve and down does get boring after a while. It also helps you become the kind of dancer who doesn’t stumble through every single transition in a routine. About suffering, they were never wrong, the old masters.

Exposed – Retina burning fashion saps a dancer’s mojo

White mesh, long sleeve shirt cut down to the navel with lime green sequined trim on collar, cuffs and button plackets? Really, crackhos? Really? Poor Adechike. Not only did he funk up the place with that tired salsa, he looked insane. And the blue pants were a little too big, too loose. Kind of like those modern day baseball players who wear their uniforms so big that they kind of look like they are wearing PJs. Some things are just made to be tight, kittens. Baseball uniforms. Ballroom dance pants. The routine was difficult, the kind of nonsense choreography that is difficult and trick heavy purely for the sake of proving that the choreographer can throw in a lot of tricks with no thought given to how that will actually look on the dancers’ bodies even should they be able to pull all of the tricks off. So Adechike and Any were game, and they did, in fact, manage to throw all the tricks in the routine, thanks mainly to Anya who refused to miss on a couple of the dicier elements. But there was very little dance in that dance. It was all throw, lift, tricky turn with hand positions, trick, throw, trick, back bend. I hated the choreography a lot. Adechike was bad in it. That’s about the size of it. I think my salsa teacher at the local community college could’ve put together a better routine.

Back to another poorly choreographed routine. Like Kent, Adechike’s choreographers kind of let him down this week, although Kent was still able to put in two solid performances. Anyway, Adechike was there. Chairs were there. He did a gorgeous stag leap that rose for days and days. It was fine. He was fine. Boring as spit, which is something of a theme with this year’s contestants. The judges tripped over themselves to not come off like crazy racist haters, but this week, darlings? Adechike wasn’t good so the critique would’ve been warranted.

Exposed – Jose is a mediocre B-boy at best

Dom took that fool to school on that breaking routine that he and Legacy and the other real breaker in the room so clearly choreographed. There was no comparison between Dom’s freezes and other power moves and Jose’s. No comparison between Dom’s flares and Jose’s flares. Hell, not even any room to compare Dom’s uprocks and Jose’s. The kid is just not that great as a b-boy. And the judges all knew it. Adam and Mia tried to damn with very faint praise, but kiddies, don’t you wish they would stop treating Jose like a special needs breaker? He’s a big boy. He came on this show of his own free will, ostensibly to improve as a dancer and what has he gotten out of the experience? A whole lot of uncalled for tongue baths and sad faces when forced to say anything even remotely negative about him. And someone please get this kid away from Cat because she turns into someone completely creepy and spectacularly annoying whenever he’s around. He’s a kind of cute little latino boy who’s an alright dancer, not the Messiah in a doo rag. Damn.

I’m gonna give Joey a pass on the uninspiring Broadway because look at what she had to work with. Jose is just limited. If she’d given Courtney more to do than just walk around waving a big old fan, Jose’s technique would’ve been even more on blast than it already was. And let’s pause and contemplate, noodles, that this was, in my humble opinion, his best performance outside his genre on the show to date. Chew on that, kiddies. Right on schedule, the judges decided to de-pimp their former pet lest he grow into a monster who takes out one of their chosen favorites (Kent/Lauren). A day late and a dollar short as usual.

Exposed – Ashley is so nondescript I forgot her even on a performance show where she suffered a very dramatic accident and was possibly forced from the competition for good

Kittens, I sat for at least five minutes wracking my brain trying to remember who I was missing before it hit me. I hope Ashley’s not been waylaid by Doriana. As I said last week, most of the choreographers on this show need to learn that even though a dancer can do something doesn’t mean that they should. I wish the fallen injured from across all seasons would band together and file a class action suit against Unca Nigel and company, all “Larry Parker got me $2.5 million” on their asses. And I’d still probably forget that Ashley was part of the suit.

Exposed – This show may become TBC and her Manwhores after tonight’s elimination

And then there was one? Could be, kittens. Could be. Personally, I’m pulling for the Jose boot, although once again he may mystifyingly escape B3. If Adechike hits B3 again tonight, I doubt the judges will save him as they not so secretly hate him. They might not save Robert either, even though they adore him, if he hits B3. No one but me seems to still be on the Billy love train, so he could also wind up B3. If Ashley can go next week, I’ve no doubt the judges will save her because all male-male dances all the time will not be cool with Nigel. I’ll put my money on Adechike seeing the end of the road tonight, though by rights, it should be Jose

SYTYCD S7 Ep7 Harsh Mistress

Kittens, I think the reality TV gods are trying to break your little blogger’s spirit. First, they give me my shiny Alex toy, and then they let some Indian fool break him and take him away from me. Here’s a note to all SYTYCD choreographers past, present and future. Just because you think a dancer can do something outrageously difficult and risky doesn’t mean that you should have him or her do that thing. Seventyeleven billion Russian split jumps with flexed feet in a row at the end of a demanding routine where the dancers have been hopping around like popinjays, Nakul? Really? You really thought this was a good idea? Idiot. I hope Edward Villella finds him and reminds him in the most intimate and personal way about his past as a boxer. A ruptured Achilles tendon can end a career. Noodles, the show must go on, but seriously, we all needed a minute to mourn Alex Frikkin’ Wong’s accident before letting the bitchery flow down like rain. And now we’re done.

Sparkle Cat was out in force with her “just got fucked” bedhead still in full effect. She seemed happy and bubbly in spite of the tragic loss of Alex, which just goes to show that she was blissfully unaware that she would be getting royally dissed in the Emmy nominations race for the sake of second rate blondes like Heidi Klum Seal, who hasn’t been really good on Project Runway since around season 2. Emmy Interlude: Kudos to both Stacey and Mia who scored well deserved Emmy nods for Stacey’s lovely piece for Kathryn and Legacy and Mia’s Addiction dance for Kayla/Kupono. Shrug for Mia’s Emmy nod for the Randee/Evan butt dance. It was cute and all, but hardly statue worthy. Side eye for an Emmy nod for Mia’s choreography in that Broadway group routine set to One from A Chorus Line. Category 5 Bianca level stank face for the Emmy nod for make up. Oh Trannys. Who did y’all have to blow for that one? Laughing all day long and high fiving the Emmy committee for snubbing Tasty’s overrated cancer dance for Melissa and Ade. Manipulative, sentimental schmaltz. You don’t win an Emmy for making a girl dance around in white granny panties and schmatta and get hoisted up into lifts every once in a while by a strapping, bare chested man, although some might argue that one should. Now, where were we, darlings? Oh, I know! Cat and her shiny gold mini came out; the six remaining kids danced in boringly; Mia broke out another one of her ill advised headbands; Alex was all gorgeous and smiling reminding us of happier days during the partner and style pulls and then we were off. Most of the choreographers and most of the kids had solid nights last night. And now that Alex is out of the running, someone’s got to rise to the top, no? So let’s examine the evidence on a night so topsy turvy, so disorienting that TBC was top dog. What? I know, kittens!

Tops of the Night

TBC - Well, fuck. TBC kind of turned it out again this week. Y’all, I don’t think Lauren can pull a Jeanine and win this whole season, but through her consistently solid dancing thus far, she has forced me to renounce the hating. I mean, cracking on Kent and his pre-teen, Justin Beiber fan base? That shit is just funny.

Lauren and Pasha/Cha Cha/Jean Marc and Franz/Telephone – Well that was sexy and fun. TBC’s body is sick! And I want that dress. The footwork was on point and the hip action was going. She also brought the sexy smolder and, just like last week, she didn’t play exclusively to the audience. In short, she worked, family.

Lauren and Kent/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Noodles, this dance was everything. And TBC was heaven in it. The sequence on the floor was so damn beautiful. And the connection between the two of them was a joy to behold. TBC was light and airy. She portrayed that first blush of young love and overcame the world’s ugliest poofy pink prom dress. She has gorgeous lines, great center. Her extension is fancy and she is a very musical dancer. On the real, kiddies, this girl is serious. She’s had more good routines on the show than Billy. True fact. And, darlings, who’d have thought that at the start of the season?

Kent - The Wapokeneta kid was second best of the night? Yep. You betcha. He dialed it down several notches and quietly put in work last night. He navigated hip hop admirably well (with a huge assist from Dave Scott, whom he owes a fruit basket or something) and as we just discussed, the contemporary was lovely. He’s a quick study, this one. And with Alex gone, he has a real shot to be America’s Next Top Favorite Dancer.

Kent and Comfort/Hip Hop/Dave Scott/You’re Not My Girl – First, let us give props to the smart choreography by Dave Scott. It was genius of him to cast Kent as a knock off Justin Timberlake and craft a piece which allowed Kent to hit that 90s Boy Band video, quasi-hip hop vibe. Kent could totally rock it as the lost Backstreet Boy, couldn’t he? He was cool as the other side of that pillow. Smoothed out and sassy. Sexy for the very first time ever on this show. And yeah, he could’ve hit the hard parts of the routine a little bit harder, but he surprised me. Comfort continues to be a breath of fresh air as the hip hop female all star on this season. She’s become not only a fire breathing monster of hip hop dance on her own right, but also a great partner, bringing the sexy and the playful with Kent and really matching his output with her own when you know that she could’ve come much harder than that. Well done all the way round.

Kent and Lauren/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Great choreography. And darlings, it must be said. Fuck you, Nigel. Travis is a great choreographer. Period. Not a great contemporary choreographer. Get over your jazz hissy fit already, please. It’s boring and we’re bored. Now, as for Kent, well he was lovely in this piece. He partnered Lauren really well in this piece, something he had struggled with mightily in his dance with Allison. And he managed to stay focused and connected with Lauren. There was minimal mugging for the camera. It’s best not to speak about my suspicion that he’s trying to grow a scraggly Billy beard. All I can say is no. And yuck. And no. He was good. TBC was better.

Billy - He had a solid if not spectacular night, which will not win him this show, but was enough to get him into my top group. The Billy beard is scraggly and seven ways out of control. Someone needs to introduce this child to Crest White Strips. The crackhos in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up continue to hate him and dress him up in hideous outfits. And still, his stellar dancing sees him through. I love this kid and hope that he can increase his bring it quotient over the course of these next weeks. I’d love to see a truly spectacular technical dancer win this show. For once. For the love of Cthulu.

Billy and Katee/Broadway/Spencer Liff/McCavity the Mystery Cat – Spencer Liff! Cats!! Smart, enjoyable and inventive Broadway choreographer that references a Broadway great not named Bob Fosse! Please, oh please, darlings, let this be the end of Tasty Broadway. It’s so good when it’s like this. Billy was amazing in this piece. The movement did indeed sit well on him. And I know people are always going on about this kid’s kicks and extensions, which are awe inspiring, but kiddies, check the feet. Toe point of the gods! He hung in there with Katee (And who else was glad to see her back? Everyone? Who wouldn’t have wanted her as a permanent All Star instead of Mischa Chan? No one? Alright then) and that is not an easy task. The two of them together were a little bit of magic.

Billy and Jose/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Darlings, do you think Sean Cheesman thought anyone on the panel was going to respond positively to a dance that at one point featured Billy squatting on top of Jose’s chest practically dry humping him? This is the least hoyay show of all time. That was never going to fly. And seriously, SYTYCD needs to stop trying to do African dance or pieces that have an African dance flavor. Their current group of choreographers doesn’t know how to create pieces. The judges don’t know what it looks like when they see it, and they certainly don’t know what good African technique looks like. But most importantly, African Jazz continues to be a thing which is not a thing. It’s a made up, baloney style like “lyrical jazz” that means the choreographer is going to throw in a few extra arm movements, some flexed feet, maybe a contraction or two, and call it a day. The routine was bad, but Billy was better in it then he ever should have been. Those deep plies in second position all contorted with legs and chest distended at odd angles was ridiculous. He was creating polariod moments with each and every pose. Damn. He was good in that, kiddies. I just wish he’d been given better material to work with. Aside from Russell’s Princess and the Frog dance, I’ve been disappointed by Mr. Cheesman’s choreography.

Middle of the Road

Ashley - As always, Ashley was neither offensive enough to make me wish for her eradication from Earth nor outstanding enough to make me notice. She was just there. She danced. In one routine, the wardrobe ‘hos took her to a very bad, Hammer pants wearing place, and that should not happen to anybody. That’s pretty much all I remember about her.

Ashley and Dominic/Hip Hop/NappyTab/How Low – Fun routine by NappyTab again. Kittens, did the apocalypse happen and nobody bothered to let me know? Hip hop ninjas? Awesome. Dom was sharp and hard hitting, totally in character and bringing it as a member of a fantastic crew like Qwest should be. Ashley proved herself to be a more than adequate booty popper (she could’ve gotten a little bit lower, but for a non-pole dancer, not bad at all) and she broke out an impressive stripper split. But kiddies, how could I focus on any of the good dancing when the Hammer pants were burning my retinas and destroying everything good in my soul? Wardrobe hos, you must get off the stuff immediately. That costuming was not of the lord.

Ashley and Robert/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Franz speaks! And I know, according to the show, her name is actually France. But would you take the word of the production monkeys on this show? Exactly. “Oops, my bad!” is their middle name. Plus, Franz is just more fun to say and type. So, anyway. Franz speaks! Kittens, I was almost as excited as when they started acknowledging the existence of Melanie. Sadly, finding out that Franz was not, in fact, mute was the highlight of this whole segment, no? Because the dancing was not good. Ashley did a better job of holding her frame and fighting through the footwork than did Robert, and she managed to follow a horrible lead, which is not easy for a ballroom dance novice, BUT the whole thing was kind of a train wreck. Between the Hammer pants, the kiss of death Quickstep, and Ashley’s crazy forehead full of acne, I’d almost say that someone in production is trying to get her out this week. I, for one, could be down with that. Forgettable is the perfect description for this girl.

Robert and Kathryn/Jazz/Sean Cheesman/Sinking Feeling – I loved the concept behind this dance. Definitely a stronger outing for the hombre de queso. And the part of the routine that took place inside the box was killer. Well choreographed and well executed by both Kathryn and Robert. The part where they climbed up and out of the box was mmmm mmmm good. Darlings, it’s hard to make that kind of movement look like dancing rather than like, well . . . like rock climbing. The rest of the routine was interesting if a little disjointed. Robert seemed to match Kathryn very well. He had great amplitude on his leaps. He committed fully to the character, which was probably kind of easy for him since the gist of it was to act plastic which he already does. And on that note, that fakey fake falseness, that cheesy plastic attitude, is what’s killing Robert, not the perception that he’s arrogant. As usual, Nigel was talking out of his ass.

Robert and Ashley/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Robert sucked ass in this. The frame was all wrong; hunched, shoulders way up around his ears, dropped elbows. Horrid. The lobster claw hands were killing me softly. But the worst, oh noodles, the worst was that sad little barely pointed foot just kind of hanging out there on those attitude turns. Heinous. The horrible, fakey fake plasticness was also still in full effect, though neither needed nor appreciated in this routine. And whoever put so much rouge on that boy’s cheeks that he’d put a Raggedy Ann doll to shame should be whipped with that gimmicky cane. Bad trannys. Kittens, it was not aesthetically pleasing. And despite all that, Robert’s one good routine and one crappy routine were still enough to boost him over our two bottom dwellers of the night.

Bottom Two

Jose – Kiddies, he may be cuter than a basket full of kittens and puppies, but he is so clearly out of his depth amongst the dancers left on this show that it’s not even funny. He’s a moderately talented b-boy whose power moves lack a certain amount of power and he’s pretty hopeless outside of his own style. The judge pimping on this one is out of control and they can’t even pretend that it’s about anything other than how cute and charming they find him. Feh. This is not The Bachelor. You don’t get a rose just because you can sweet talk the girl. Bring it or get to stepping.

Jose and Lauren/Contemporary/Mandy Moore/Never Tear Us Apart – Oh, Mandy. You came and you gave without taking. Sadly, darlings, not even INXS could save this piece. Mandy was off her game tonight. This was a perfect example of how not to choreograph around a dancer’s limitation. Mandy stole straight out of the Mia Michael’s Make ‘em walk around and then sit at the back of the stage and then bare their chest while the girl dances school of “choreographing” for breakers and other hip hop dancers. Cedric is somewhere shaking his damn head. So Jose walked around aimlessly, served as a post for Lauren to dance around and off of, hoisted her up a couple of times, threw up an ugly, flexed foot every time his heel came even an inch off the ground, and then got praised by the judges for his heart and connection. Baloney, darlings. Don’t give me shit and expect me to believe it’s shineola.

Jose and Billy/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Maybe it was all the hoyay and he just couldn’t handle it? Kittens, Jose looked completely lost and slightly terrified throughout this entire dance. For his sake, I just wanted it all to stop. And seriously, it’s cringeworthy, kiddies, the way that the judges are treating this kid the way that misguided mom on the class field trip treats the special needs kid when she thinks she’s trying to be helpful but really she’s just babying him outrageously and embarrassing him, herself, the teacher and all the other kids. Stop it, judges. Treat this kid like a dancer and not like a “Feed me for $5 a day” Sally Struthers orphan. He is funking it up every week. Let him know what’s up. Don’t be that mom. No.

AdeChike – He was aggressively bad pretty much all night. Were the judges harsh in their critiques? Yes. Unneccesarily so, especially in light of the pass that they gave to Jose? Yes. That doesn’t make what AdeChike served up any tastier. Both routines lacked everything. That’s just real talk.

AdeChike and Courtney/Jazz/Mandy Moore/Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby – Bad, bad night for Mandy. Even props couldn’t save her. I kept watching it and wondering when they were going to start dancing. Courtney writhing around on the bar in an fugly gold lame dress as AdeChike stared at her ass is not dancing. And when they finally did start dancing for what seemed like a measly 16 counts or so, it was neither particularly demanding nor particularly creative. And it was only passably danced. Courtney is a dancer who tends to dance up to the level of her partners, and here that didn’t serve her or AdeChike well. I was bored by this routine after the first four beats or so. Not a good effort.

AdeChike and Alex Marla/Bollywood/Nakul/Mourya Re – Oooh, bad judging. Unfair. Boohoo. Cry me a river, noodles. I don’t give a rip about the judges. Bitches crazy. Putting that aside, the dancing was ass. At certain points, it looked like AdeChike was trying to do the Running Man or the Roger Rabbit or something. He was very Kid ‘n Play in House Party and that is just not on. I didn’t enjoy him. I don’t pretend to be an expert on what Bollywood style dancing should look like, but I know it shouldn’t look like that. And Nakul Dev Mahjan is on the list. That last jump sequence was out of control and should never have been put into the routine. Way too dangerous, especially on the first week where the kids are doing two dances a night plus learning a group dance for the week. Somebody needs an ass whooping.

Going Home

Kittens, I’m nothing if not consistent. As much as it pains me to say it, Alex Frikkin’ Wong should be going home this week. Just as I argued last year with Fug Princess and all of the other fallen, if you can’t dance, you should go home. It’s not fair to the other contestants who came and competed and laid it on the line, whether they were magic or laid a total egg on stage. They were up there and the injured dancer wasn’t. They shouldn’t lose their spot to someone who couldn’t go. Those are the breaks.

Back in the land of reality, if both Jose and AdeChike wind up B3, I really think Jose should go home. He’s just not as good as any of the other kids left in the competition. I don’t think he will go home, however. In fact, I think he might not even hit B3. I wouldn’t be surprised if neither Jose nor AdeChike saw the B3 this week due to the two Ps: popularity and pity. It could very well be Robert and Ashley who hit B3. Quickstep has felled far more compelling dancers. If that happens, I think Robert will be going bye-bye. Much as the judges seem to love him, they love Alex and Ashley more, and it’s hard for me to believe they’d save him after so many consecutive weeks in the B3. Also hard to believe they’d voluntarily pared down to only one girl this season. So, if he’s in the B3, Robert’s toast. But who knows? And does it really even matter, kittens? Alex is gone and so is my investment in this season.

How’s that for a finish?

SYTYCD S7 Ep5 Don’t Call It a Comeback

Now that’s how you close a show, kittens! Almost 24 hours and I’m still trying to take the unfortunately clad yet still fabulous Cat Deeley’s advice to breathe, just breathe. Alex Motherfucking Wong, y’all! I just . . . it was . . . I mean . . . there are no words. And to think there were doubters and haters after last week’s Tyce induced lackluster performance where Alex only turned it halfway out rather than all the way out as he usually does. But darlings, that little Asian phenom was back with a vengeance last night, no? In fact, the whole show came roaring back from a sleepy second week show and produced some high quality reality teevee entertainment. I confess, kiddies, it’s been hard for me to sort out my feelings about this year’s top 10. All so talented, so closely matched, and save Alex and Billy Bell, none really stepping up to claim the mantle of “favorite”. But last night Shankdaddy clarified things for us all. It’s Alex Wong’s world. The rest of us are just living in it. So let’s deal with the man himself right up front and then rank order everyone else, shall we? They’re all playing for second at this point anyway. Could Alex be the first “best technical dancer” of the season to also wind up as America’s Favorite Dancer? Well, you bitches are fickle, but if you’ve got any sense, and Alex keeps serving it like he did last night, he may as well get ready for the confetti.

Your Presumptive Season 7 Champion

I enjoyed the introduction of the solos because most of the kids brought it, but what I’d really like to see is two dances per competitor from here on out. The group is small enough at this point and with two dances each week, we might get more same sex partners which would be amazing if all of the partnerships produced the high caliber of dance we got out of Alex and Twitch. Also, at the rate we’re going, we’ll have an all boys top 5 which might mean no more Mark from Hawai’i on my screen and the absence of Mark from my TV screen last night was my one great sadness of the episode. Whither Mark, noodles. Can you imagine a Mark/Alex contemporary piece? I KNOW!

Alex and Twitch/NappyTab/Hip Hop/Outta Your Mind - That was the shit. Alex Wong shut it down. He's so phenomenal, he even made sub par choreographers like NappyTab look like geniuses. I want Twitch and Alex to form a crew and compete on ABDC. I want Alex to join the League of Extraordinary Dancers and make that group even extraordinarier. Kiddies, Alex Wong is taking this show to a whole other level. He's just on another level so far above all these other kids it's kind of not fair. Alex Fucking Wong. There are no words.

Alex Solo/Rule of the Planet - Work, dammit! He is fierce.

Your Potential Season 7 Runners Up

But it wasn’t just all about Alex last night. Well, OK. Maybe it was all about Alex last night. But kittens, other kids were good, too. Unexpected kids were good. Of course, only a few have a reasonable chance to play second fiddle to Alex on this season’s finale extravaganza, and a couple of them weren’t even all that great last night. So let’s examine those lucky few, this band of brothers, who have the distinction of perhaps knowing what it feels like to be a heartbeat away from getting what you really, really want.

Billy and Kathryn/Stacey Tookey/Contemporary/Jar of Hearts – Billy was problematic last night, noodles. I wanted to like this routine so much more than I did. There were lovely moments in it. That one part where they were seated on the ground back to back and then they used each other's bodies and weight to roll up to a standing position? Magically delicious! But some of the lifts were shaky shaky. It's pretty clear that Billy hasn't done a lot of partnering. More than technique, as the judges pointed out, what lacked was connection. Connection to his partner. Connection to the story they were telling. The dance was technically proficient but kind of cold and clinical. So sad. I still love Billy, though. I mean, did you see his solo? Sadly, this is a show that focuses on dancing with a partner. And Billy has been slightly underwhelming at that aspect of things for three weeks running. I gave him a pass for week one because . . . Tyce. Enough said. Week two, another pass. Billy and Krump were never meant to live together harmoniously. But this week? After dancing in his own style with a phenomenal partner and still being slightly underwhelming and at the same time watching Alex destroy worlds while being just as far outside his comfort zone as Billy was last week? Darlings, I am running out of pitiful passes. Billy needs to come correct next week.

Billy Solo/Something Bigger, Something Better – I can’t front on the solo, though. Incredible. Ridiculous. Extension. Control. Passion. Abandon. Everything.

Kent and Allison/Mandy Moore/Jazz/Heartburn – First things first, kiddies. Mandy didn't use a cheesy 80's pop song? My world, it is all asunder. Just like last week, I didn't buy Kent at all in the piece. Hungry jazz face. Ha! I love Adam Shankman. Kent just came off very forced and false. His technique was on point, as usual, but the judges were right. It was very dance recital. On his part. Because Allison was serving. Sassy! Kent really needs to mature and fast. I think he’s working overtime to fill the mugging void left by Robert toning it down a couple of notches. Kent, no, baby! Some voids need to remain unfilled. On a side note, really TrannyHos? Last week, you put the baby in bondage gear. This week, he got a tux, OK, but the suspenders were on all crickywhackwhichaway making him look like the little ring bearer at his hot older brother’s fundie wedding to the Wapokeneta town virgin and the mom let the little ring bearer dress himself because she thought it was so cute and everyone smiles and “Awwws” and nods, but then the bride’s pictures come out looking ten ways busted because the kid’s suspenders are all out of whack and she has to spend the rest of her life with a fucked up wedding album even though that’s all she has to remember hot brother by after he’s left her for their pool boy because, much like Kent, don’t you just know that hot youth pastor brother is not so secretly gay? In other words, TrannyHos, step up your game.

Kent Solo/Down – When he lets go and does more dancing than mugging for the camera, he is joy. This kid just has a light inside him that's glorious. Even with the somewhat frenetic, floor routine style choreo in this solo.

Jose and Anya/Dmitri/Samba/Long Time – I kind of don’t believe at all that Jose has any chance in hell of copping the number two spot this season because honestly, kiddies, he is technically lacking in skills both inside and outside of his dance genre. However, Nigel does love him some street dancer vs. technical dancer drama, and this kid is another one who just has the “it” thing that people are always talking about. Charisma and charm for days. And in this routine, darlings, he was kind of “Wow.” I may have slightly loved it. Was it technically correct? Well, no. But Jose worked the shit out of it. He brought that Latin machismo and swagger to the table and he owned that dance. He connected with Anya. He was there for her. He was a strong, commanding lead. He was sexy as hell. I watched him as much as I watched her. So yeah, I loved it.

Jose Solo/Superbad – And here’s why he won’t make top 2. On the real, darlings, he's just not that great of a b-boy. When I think of the really awesome breakers they've had on the show . . . Dom and Gev and Legacy . . . Jose's nothing special compared to them.

Your Season 7 Dancers on the Come Up

This surprising group of dancers is really growing on me. After last night’s episode, I can say that I like them. I really, really like them. And for TBC, I must simply say strange. She’s turned me around faster than anyone ever on this show before. A little of that good old fashioned hating crept it’s way back in after viewing her technically proficient yet soullessly creepy solo, but mad props to her for turning it around in her last two partner dances. Since we’re already at it, let’s just start with her, shall we family?

Lauren and Neil/Joey Dowling/Jazz/Let Me Entertain You – Let the record show that was a great routine from Joey. Seriously, why do they let Tasty keep doing Broadway? It can be a lot of fun, witty and demanding and beautifully danced when it’s done correctly. Someone in production needs to just nut up and tell Tyce that he can’t do Broadway anymore. The bitch wasn’t even good enough to make it as second dancer to the left in the Broadway production of A Chorus Line so why do we think he’s good enough to choreograph in that style for this show for dancers of the caliber of the ones they have this season? Oh, we don’t? Well, then. Next, I gotta give it up to TBC for working it in spite of almost having a Janet level wardrobe malfunction. And overall? She kinda turned it out. Her technique was flawless as usual, and I feel like she continues to grow in her connection to her partners. I barely saw her playing to the audience or to the cameras at all. She was very there and present with Neil. And maybe she didn't 100% get there with the character, but I liked her more in this piece than I ever have.

Lauren Solo/Unchained Melody - Return of the hair flipping, inappropriately smiling TBC. Fantastic. So I can go back to hating on her now.

Adechike and Lauren/Dave Scott/Hip Hop/Hot 'n Fun – Kittens, you know I normally do not deal with the pre-dance interview packages, but I have to with Adechike because his idol is Desmond Richardson and he's the truth and I would do just about anything to have Desmond Richardson on my screen and be able to talk about Desmond Richardson. So Adechike’s dance inspiration is Desmond Richardson and that alone made him eligible for inclusion in this On the Come Up section. And lo and behold, the spirit of Desmond was with him last night because that's the best he's ever danced. It was a darling routine, noodles; intricate and fun. Adechike showed personality and spark for the first time ever. He hit hard when he needed to, smoothed it out as appropriate. He really got into the character, all Carlton Banks with a teeny bit of swag. Bonus points since he made me forget about Lauren almost completely. Good job.

Adechike Solo/Ruthless Gravity - Amazing. So grounded and fluid and powerful. That was a grown ass man dancing. Where has that dancer been all season? I think it was the best solo of the night, even better than Alex Fucking Wong. Adechike came to play, kiddies.

Your Season 7 Dancers Most Likely to Have Not Even Made the Tour in Any Other Normal Top 20 Season

Ashley and Ade/Dee Casperey/Contemporary/Cosmic Love – Noodles, enough with the contemporary for this girl. However, for a second, I thought they announced the choreographer as Diddy and had that been the case, this would've automatically been my favorite SYTYCD routine of all time. Alas, it wasn't Diddy. Still, decent routine. A little competition 101 hair flingy for me, but I thought it was danced beautifully. There were a couple of holds where Ashley had her legs held straight out in front of her or was on her belly with arched back that were crazy difficult and demanded great strength and control which she delivered. And the ending was gorgeous. She still doesn't really connect for me, but I can't deny she has a great quality of movement. It’s just that she’s so forgettable. For all that she has facility as a dancer, she has no personality or presence. Definitely a female Adechike before Adechike had his “Come to Jesus” moment. She either needs to get one of her own or get to stepping, no?

Ashley Solo/Royal T - She wasted the first 10 seconds standing around and the rest was a hair flinging, trick throwing nightmare.

Robert and Courtney/Sonya/Jazz/XXXO - Sonya has such a hard on for this kid, and I’ll admit that when the season started I wanted to love him, too. But as the weeks passed and he turned out to be a cheesy bastard who, while not a wholly unpleasant dancer, was revealed to have picked up some of the more unseemly traits of competition kids, well, I had to look at the evidence and give up on my early impressions. This kid is just not that good yet, which doesn’t mean he might not one day be good. He does know how to inhabit a character and really get the feel of a dance. (In that way and that way only is he akin to Mark. All other comparisons between this kid and Mark must cease and desist immediately, kittens. Like Mark? He only wishes he could bring the fabulous like that) However, when it comes to dance ability, Robert is just OK. I totally got what Mia and Shankdaddy were saying. He dances very light. Like lots of competition kids, he’s got flash and tricky dazzle, but there's not a lot of heft to him. The plié example, I thought, was kind of genius. Watch Robert's plié as opposed to Alex's plié. It's like Designer Imposters vs. Chanel No. 5. I was really impressed in that piece by Courtney, however. She tore it up.

Robert Solo/Hold You In My Arms - Now this? Darlings, this I loved. Talk about grounded! Just those few walks forward at the beginning? Heaven. That was really really good. He has potential this one. Just not all the way there yet.

Your Season 7 Cedric Memorial Shouldn’t Have Been Saved by the Judges Dancer

Do we have to, kiddies? Alright. Let’s deal with Not So Secret Stank. The bitch was bad and needs to go home. That’s all.

Melinda and Pasha/Fabian Sanchez/Salsa/Quimbara - Eewwwww. They do salsa the week after Cristina goes home? That’s foul. Shout out to the new choreographer. That was a difficult routine. He didn’t cut this couple much slack unlike some others who shall remain nameless but are often found shirtless and hot and Russian and may or may not at one time have been boy toys of one Miss Mary Murphy. Sadly, Melinda and Pasha didn’t rise to the challenge. That routine was sloppy from the jump. The last trick, the cartwheel flip, was labored and I believe they almost missed it. Sloppy feet. Sloppy arms. Hip action not great. Yick. A little heresy here? Pasha's not a great salsa dancer either. A little too stiff backed. Now that's not surprising as salsa is probably not a dance he does very often, let alone competes in. But it just made for a routine where I didn't really care to watch either one of them. Now Mia and Shankdaddy think they made a mistake keeping Not So Secret Stank over Cristina? Whatever. I hope Cristina meets up with both Mia and Shankdaddy some day in a dark alley and puts a foot in that ass.

Melinda Solo/Empire State of Mind - Best thing she's done on the show. That’s not saying much. I still want her gone.

Bottom Three

Melinda is a given. Every week until she goes home. I would like to see Kent hit B3 this week, though I don't think he will. It would be a good reality check for him. The third spot could go to Ashley for continuing to be aggressively nondescript. Could be Adechike despite his best week ever for performing early and being good but not great. Maybe even Billy for being underwhelming with a great partner and in his own style.

Noodles, every week it's crazy hard to choose a B3 because no one is really bad or out of their depth. In fact, they're all really freakin' good, even the stank ones and the boring ones. So it's anyone's ballgame. For my money, they're all playing for the chance to be runner up to Alex Frikkin' Wong. He's a beast.