I forgive all. Ryan Seacrest in lumberjack plaid. Photos of pudgy, teen Ryan. Not one, not two, not three, but four loser montages. Girls dressed like guitars that make it through to Hollywood. Elder abuse. I can even get over the 4-1-1, Hot-lanta. Because you have given a gift with a price above rubies. The gift of Mary J. Best guest judge ever? Kittens, who could dare doubt it? She did what all of us long to do . . . laugh in these delusional fools’ faces. Noodles, her giggle fits were things of beauty. The way she wrinkled her nose and hated all over Pickle 2.0. Just the general stank face as only a down sister can deliver it. Being ready to duck when crazy pops off. Mary J was everything last night. Can we please keep her? I’ll give up Simon and two Ellens. (Though, Kittens how cute was Simon with Mary J? So, so cute!)
Also, there were some auditions. Let’s chat about that, shall we?
Dewone Robinson – Whose ‘fro is not of the lord. Darlings, did we even need to know that he was going to be singing an original composition to be certain that he would be terrible? The high waisted pants were a dead giveaway. So anyway, Dewone, whose parents cursed him from birth to be ridiculous by yoking him to that horrific moniker, graced the judges panel with his rendition of Lady, We’re Not Together Anymore in three rounds all sung by Dewone. And it was horrific from the very first “lay-t”. But we did get the very first of many Mary J “What the fuck?” faces of the night, so some good came of it all.
Keia Johnson – Should have been disqualified just for those pants alone. Also, for not knowing the name of the Titanic song. Really, Keia? You didn’t learn it the billion and seven times it was on the radio for years and years on end nor have you learned it any of the five million times candidates have sung the song on Idol over the past nine seasons? OK. So, she had a good voice. And she took it like a champ as Simon basically called her ugly. I’m glad she got through. I hope she went home and burned those pants, though.
Miriam Lemounoni – I love The Climb and believe it may be the only good thing to ever come out of Clan Cyrus and I suppose this girl sang it well. She either needs to get kicked off on day one of Hollywood Week or hang around long enough to make me care about learning how to spell her last name. I’ll just be annoyed with anything else.
Sophia Missed the Last Name – Was ugly as sin, but she can sing. What can I say, kiddies? I know this is thin gruel, but I think at this time I was still blinded by Keia’s neon yellow leggings.
Jermaine Sellers – Is a cutie patootie. Darlings, he served on that rendition of One of Us. It was inspired. Sanctified. Anointed, as Mary J noted. I really enjoyed this kid. He can blow. He may fall into the trap of going riff happy, but if he can deliver on those runs as well as he did on this song, I might be able to stand it. And he’s got a back story that America will eat up with a spoon. This skinny choirboy could go far.
Christie Marie Agronow is a narcissistic psycho and I refuse. And that’s the 4-1-1, noodles.
Vanessa Wolf – Good lord, how I loved this little Deliverance girl. If the whole her of her weren’t so horrible that no one could even dream it up, I’d swear that she was a phony or a plant. And I loved how sweet the judges were with her, especially Simon. Her rendition of Wagon Wheel was so good that I now want to go and listen to this song which I had never heard of before last night. Kittens, I fear that Hollywood, and most specifically this wicked machine we call AI, will break this girl in ways that even someone as mean spirited as I am not ready for. I almost don’t even want her to make the show. Maybe it will be enough that she gets to ride for the first time in an aero plane.
Jesse Hamilton – Darlings, I fucking love this show’s black, evil heart. The dramatic re-enactment of the life and times of Mr. Unlucky? The fact that Mary J could not hold her shit together here and straight up broke down in tears laughing in this country bumpkin’s face. The spectacle of the Dawg feeding If Tomorrow Never Comes to this kid when the judges knew full well that he couldn’t sing and he would never get through. Family, it was all so wrong . . . and yet so, so right. Now that’s the kind of bad audition that satisfies.
Holly the Human Guitar – Mary J haaaattteeed her. Because, of course, Mary J is a truly talented singer and she could smell the Pickle style bullshit coming off this girl in desperate waves. No amount of chicanery can mask the fact that her version of You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man was just a notch above adequate and the other three put her through because they understand and buy in to the myth that this show is pushing that you or I or other karaoke warriors might be the next American Idol, which we all know will never, ever happen but we don’t say in order to keep in tact the unspoken compact we have going to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. But Mary J is better than that. So she said no. The others, who long ago sold their souls for 8 pieces of silver, said yes, and voila. Pickle 2.0 is born. We get the contestants we deserve, kiddies.
Mallory Hale – I automatically hate anyone who sings Piece of My Heart on this show. I don’t care that Mary J thinks she’s dope. Nothing will convince me that blonde and big boobs didn’t land her a spot in Hollywood Week. Noodles, where would I be if I actually agreed with any judge, even one as fabulous as the Queen of R&B Soul, on everything? Perish the thought.
Antonio AKA Skiblowski – I hate him and everything about him except on the real? This fool can blow. His rendition of Heard It Through the Grapevine was fire. After all the bad singing and bad acting cretins the judges have put through over the years for sheer spectacle, Simon ought to be ashamed that he wanted to cut this kid, who can actually flat out sing, just for being an obnoxious asshat. No one will ever vote for this clown, so he’ll never make the show, but kittens, he should. And much like Lamar, who will lose his ever loving mind in a minute, this kid will never understand why people hate him.
Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders are scary, grown up JonBenet’s and Carmen is a loud is the new good. Neither of these girls will ever make this show, just as Simon noted, and I refuse.
Bryan Walker – A singing everyman. OK. Kittens, I guess we need one ever season, don’t we? He’s fine, if you like that sort of thing. And if you can get past the fact that he looks like a grown up Chicken Little. He’s surely not your next American Idol, but that’s not what this round’s all about, no? He has a good voice with a nice tone. He can’t do everything with it that he thinks he can, which he’ll find out soon enough, but he’s good early round fodder.
Lamar Royal showed his whole entire ass to a salivating nation and I refuse.
Larry Platt – Whoops, I mean General Larry Platt. Sigh. Noodles, we’ll now spend the next six months Reliving Pants on the Ground, which was not nearly amusing as either Mary J or the show thinks it was.
And we were out. Bye, Mary J. Loved you, girl. Please come back real soon.
Next up it’s that toddlin’ town. After two rounds of audition cities, I still only really love Katie, who’s bound to break my heart. On the bright side, there are only a few on to Hollywood that I actively hate. So on balance, we’re off to a good start, family. Next stop, Shania.
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