My kind of town? Chicago most definitely is not, Kittens. Chi-town turned out to be one humongous vat of suck, with a horrid to good audition ratio of all of them :: 1. Noodles, thank all the gods for Angela Martin and her pretty purple dress because otherwise, Oprah’s backyard was rolling snake eyes. Blame the Obama administration, no? Seems to be the thing to do. Lost a practically un-loseable election through sheer hubris and lack of moxie? Obama. Didn’t make Idol due to the fact that you are massively untalented and delusional? Obama. Make a sudden and ill advised decision that you make any kind of sense and attempt to insert your unwanted babbling into every occasion, Judge #4? Obama. Him and his negro dialect. Anyway, Chicago auditions were horrible and it’s barely worth our time, but I’m a completist, darlings, so let’s get it over with because the whole thing stinks like day old fish.
A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'
Barak Obama
Angela Martin – "Huh. It works. It makes sense." Thank you, Mr. President. See, noodles? It’s really not that hard. Well, I mean, poor Angela’s life is hard. A baby who is some kind of afflicted with something, tragic father’s death, and of course she’s apparently a criminal with warrants so serious that they forced her to leave the competition. (And I’m sorry, but how many people get warrants that bad for a simple speeding ticket? Exactly? Angela looks like she knows what’s what. I’m not buying it) But alright, fine, the girl is a tragedy magnet. I don’t need to care about all that. You know why, kiddies? Of course you do. Your mamas didn’t raise no fools. Nobody gives a shit about all that because the girl can flat out blow. She’s pretty enough to put in Judge #4’s package and she has enough talent to make Simon get the dollar sign eyes and give her the Fantasia flirt. As Mr. Cowell said, she’s just good. And Ryan was so incredibly cute with her family. Sister girl does love his black queens. Sad that it took us almost half the show’s running time to get to the only truly good audition of the night, right?
The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.
Barak Obama
There was so much bad on display, kiddies. And not even interesting bad. Just ass out, ugly bad. Fat girl splits bad. White pants and suspenders wearing, no tears having bad. Delusional girls comparing themselves to JHud bad. More clueless losers than at a Michael Steele/Harold Ford, Jr. press junket bad. WTF, Chicago? Holy hell. The Dawg just about summed it up when he noted ruefully, “You shouldn’t even be doing that.” That goes for most of you, Chicago. I see you and I heartily disapprove.
Amy Lang – Not every Broadway kid can be Adam Lambert. I was exhausted by this girl just from watching her do the splits. And by the way, what is the fascination with contestants doing the splits this season? Must we see someone do the splits every episode? Once we make it to the Kodak, will they just have random audience members come up and do the splits each week if no one in the cast can pull it off or if the designated splitter gets sent home early? Seriously. No more splits. But I digress. The request at the end to get a second chance so that she could be serious? It was too late for that when she got up in the morning and put on that outfit. Next, please.
Curly Newburn – This Woman’s Work. I refuse to deal with any black man wearing that much white linen not named Billy Ocean.
Alannah Halbert – Someone should’ve bought Shania a clue on how to deal with the crap, fake auditioner. You don’t provide context clues. You cut, quick, hard and to the bone.
Brian Krause – Looked insane. War? What is it good for, darlings? Oh also, he’s a total bullshitter and I refuse.
Harold Davis – I don’t think so. Kittens, He was a joke before he even opened his mouth. Dressed like the good humor man. Wow. He was working with a lot.
Chicago, what the holy hell?
We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent
Barak Obama
Family, this is season 9 and I’m getting worried. I know, I say this every year. I remember KC from last early round auditions. But seriously, this is the best of the best in a big city like Chicago? This warmed over pabulum? This barely not bad enough to be mediocre is supposed to provide enough talent to fill up a top 24? Honestly. Half of these kids, if they worked at it a little bit, could be tons better than they are. What happened for striving for excellence? Darlings, this bunch is turning me crotchety. Well, crotchety-er. Get offa my lawn, Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. And take these dogs with you.
Katelyn Epperly – I was bored by this girl and thus, needed to distract myself with some amusing questions and asides. Kittens, why does she have a growth in the middle of her forehead? Is she related to the goat-voiced vibrato boy? And were they trying to drum up sympathy because that girl’s parents got divorced? What is this, a 1973 after school special? And oh my god, she can’t sing. It was like an atonal nightmare. Yes, Shania, unique if by that you mean atonal. Ewww.
Charity Vance – Let’s see. 16. Blonde. Country. I hate her already. Noodles, was there ever any doubt she’d get in. This one is another Colonel in the making. . Summertime as sung by the Chipmunks? Lady Day should come back and bitch slap her into the middle of next week. And then Nina Simone should bury her 6 feet under. Small voice? Better qualities? What better qualities, Shania? On record, they could auto-tune the hell out of her voice, so of course she’d sound great on a record. Tell that to anyone who’s ever wasted money on Katy Perry live. This whole audition would’ve been garbage except for the fact that the production minions busted out the Family Ties theme song. Well played, minions. Well played.
John Park – Oh great, it’s the affirmative action Idol. Kittens, let’s not pretend that he made Hollywood week for any other reason than that they never have Asians on Idol. And here they finally have an Asian; he’s hot; he can kind of carry a tune. This fool was making it at least to Hollywood. Shame he doesn’t really sing well.
Paige Dechausse – Out of this whole sorry lot, I suppose she’s the one with a glimmer of a hint of potential to not be abysmal. Good tone to her voice, even if she was a tad over-ornamented. And seriously, darlings, what is with the kids not knowing the words to their auditions songs this early in the season. It’s your audition song. You’ve had your entire life to practice it. It’s A Change Is Gonna Come. That’s an iconic song. Sung on the Idol stage as recently as last season. Learn the damn words. But I love Grandma Roxy and her peroxide cloud. I wanna hang with Gramma Roxy and eat at some diner of the turnpike. We could do some damage.
Justin Ray was just screaming. Keith Sample was kind of turning it out on Richard Marx’ Heaven but he looked like a crazy tool. And Marcus Jones was way too ornamented on I’ll Be, AKA that song Played Out Idol Anthem #5. And all of them got through. Damn.
Why can't I just eat my waffle?
Barak Obama
The Chicago auditions were terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. I can see why they only made it an hour. And next stop is Orlando, boy band capital of the world. Joy. Noodles, is it just me? Have I lost that loving feeling when it comes to our favorite pop culture obsession? Or have the audition rounds really been just that barren of real talent? Time will tell, and we didn’t see even half of the golden tickets given out in the Windy City, so there’s always a chance that the show is just secreting all the good ones away for Hollywood Week and Ellen. But really, all I want is a few more good ones to make the bad ones go down more easily. I don’t want to endure the show. I want to enjoy it. Is that to much to ask, kittens? I think you know the answer to that.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
American Idol S9 Ep2 Like a Cat Barking
I forgive all. Ryan Seacrest in lumberjack plaid. Photos of pudgy, teen Ryan. Not one, not two, not three, but four loser montages. Girls dressed like guitars that make it through to Hollywood. Elder abuse. I can even get over the 4-1-1, Hot-lanta. Because you have given a gift with a price above rubies. The gift of Mary J. Best guest judge ever? Kittens, who could dare doubt it? She did what all of us long to do . . . laugh in these delusional fools’ faces. Noodles, her giggle fits were things of beauty. The way she wrinkled her nose and hated all over Pickle 2.0. Just the general stank face as only a down sister can deliver it. Being ready to duck when crazy pops off. Mary J was everything last night. Can we please keep her? I’ll give up Simon and two Ellens. (Though, Kittens how cute was Simon with Mary J? So, so cute!)
Also, there were some auditions. Let’s chat about that, shall we?
Dewone Robinson – Whose ‘fro is not of the lord. Darlings, did we even need to know that he was going to be singing an original composition to be certain that he would be terrible? The high waisted pants were a dead giveaway. So anyway, Dewone, whose parents cursed him from birth to be ridiculous by yoking him to that horrific moniker, graced the judges panel with his rendition of Lady, We’re Not Together Anymore in three rounds all sung by Dewone. And it was horrific from the very first “lay-t”. But we did get the very first of many Mary J “What the fuck?” faces of the night, so some good came of it all.
Keia Johnson – Should have been disqualified just for those pants alone. Also, for not knowing the name of the Titanic song. Really, Keia? You didn’t learn it the billion and seven times it was on the radio for years and years on end nor have you learned it any of the five million times candidates have sung the song on Idol over the past nine seasons? OK. So, she had a good voice. And she took it like a champ as Simon basically called her ugly. I’m glad she got through. I hope she went home and burned those pants, though.
Miriam Lemounoni – I love The Climb and believe it may be the only good thing to ever come out of Clan Cyrus and I suppose this girl sang it well. She either needs to get kicked off on day one of Hollywood Week or hang around long enough to make me care about learning how to spell her last name. I’ll just be annoyed with anything else.
Sophia Missed the Last Name – Was ugly as sin, but she can sing. What can I say, kiddies? I know this is thin gruel, but I think at this time I was still blinded by Keia’s neon yellow leggings.
Jermaine Sellers – Is a cutie patootie. Darlings, he served on that rendition of One of Us. It was inspired. Sanctified. Anointed, as Mary J noted. I really enjoyed this kid. He can blow. He may fall into the trap of going riff happy, but if he can deliver on those runs as well as he did on this song, I might be able to stand it. And he’s got a back story that America will eat up with a spoon. This skinny choirboy could go far.
Christie Marie Agronow is a narcissistic psycho and I refuse. And that’s the 4-1-1, noodles.
Vanessa Wolf – Good lord, how I loved this little Deliverance girl. If the whole her of her weren’t so horrible that no one could even dream it up, I’d swear that she was a phony or a plant. And I loved how sweet the judges were with her, especially Simon. Her rendition of Wagon Wheel was so good that I now want to go and listen to this song which I had never heard of before last night. Kittens, I fear that Hollywood, and most specifically this wicked machine we call AI, will break this girl in ways that even someone as mean spirited as I am not ready for. I almost don’t even want her to make the show. Maybe it will be enough that she gets to ride for the first time in an aero plane.
Jesse Hamilton – Darlings, I fucking love this show’s black, evil heart. The dramatic re-enactment of the life and times of Mr. Unlucky? The fact that Mary J could not hold her shit together here and straight up broke down in tears laughing in this country bumpkin’s face. The spectacle of the Dawg feeding If Tomorrow Never Comes to this kid when the judges knew full well that he couldn’t sing and he would never get through. Family, it was all so wrong . . . and yet so, so right. Now that’s the kind of bad audition that satisfies.
Holly the Human Guitar – Mary J haaaattteeed her. Because, of course, Mary J is a truly talented singer and she could smell the Pickle style bullshit coming off this girl in desperate waves. No amount of chicanery can mask the fact that her version of You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man was just a notch above adequate and the other three put her through because they understand and buy in to the myth that this show is pushing that you or I or other karaoke warriors might be the next American Idol, which we all know will never, ever happen but we don’t say in order to keep in tact the unspoken compact we have going to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. But Mary J is better than that. So she said no. The others, who long ago sold their souls for 8 pieces of silver, said yes, and voila. Pickle 2.0 is born. We get the contestants we deserve, kiddies.
Mallory Hale – I automatically hate anyone who sings Piece of My Heart on this show. I don’t care that Mary J thinks she’s dope. Nothing will convince me that blonde and big boobs didn’t land her a spot in Hollywood Week. Noodles, where would I be if I actually agreed with any judge, even one as fabulous as the Queen of R&B Soul, on everything? Perish the thought.
Antonio AKA Skiblowski – I hate him and everything about him except on the real? This fool can blow. His rendition of Heard It Through the Grapevine was fire. After all the bad singing and bad acting cretins the judges have put through over the years for sheer spectacle, Simon ought to be ashamed that he wanted to cut this kid, who can actually flat out sing, just for being an obnoxious asshat. No one will ever vote for this clown, so he’ll never make the show, but kittens, he should. And much like Lamar, who will lose his ever loving mind in a minute, this kid will never understand why people hate him.
Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders are scary, grown up JonBenet’s and Carmen is a loud is the new good. Neither of these girls will ever make this show, just as Simon noted, and I refuse.
Bryan Walker – A singing everyman. OK. Kittens, I guess we need one ever season, don’t we? He’s fine, if you like that sort of thing. And if you can get past the fact that he looks like a grown up Chicken Little. He’s surely not your next American Idol, but that’s not what this round’s all about, no? He has a good voice with a nice tone. He can’t do everything with it that he thinks he can, which he’ll find out soon enough, but he’s good early round fodder.
Lamar Royal showed his whole entire ass to a salivating nation and I refuse.
Larry Platt – Whoops, I mean General Larry Platt. Sigh. Noodles, we’ll now spend the next six months Reliving Pants on the Ground, which was not nearly amusing as either Mary J or the show thinks it was.
And we were out. Bye, Mary J. Loved you, girl. Please come back real soon.
Next up it’s that toddlin’ town. After two rounds of audition cities, I still only really love Katie, who’s bound to break my heart. On the bright side, there are only a few on to Hollywood that I actively hate. So on balance, we’re off to a good start, family. Next stop, Shania.
Also, there were some auditions. Let’s chat about that, shall we?
Dewone Robinson – Whose ‘fro is not of the lord. Darlings, did we even need to know that he was going to be singing an original composition to be certain that he would be terrible? The high waisted pants were a dead giveaway. So anyway, Dewone, whose parents cursed him from birth to be ridiculous by yoking him to that horrific moniker, graced the judges panel with his rendition of Lady, We’re Not Together Anymore in three rounds all sung by Dewone. And it was horrific from the very first “lay-t”. But we did get the very first of many Mary J “What the fuck?” faces of the night, so some good came of it all.
Keia Johnson – Should have been disqualified just for those pants alone. Also, for not knowing the name of the Titanic song. Really, Keia? You didn’t learn it the billion and seven times it was on the radio for years and years on end nor have you learned it any of the five million times candidates have sung the song on Idol over the past nine seasons? OK. So, she had a good voice. And she took it like a champ as Simon basically called her ugly. I’m glad she got through. I hope she went home and burned those pants, though.
Miriam Lemounoni – I love The Climb and believe it may be the only good thing to ever come out of Clan Cyrus and I suppose this girl sang it well. She either needs to get kicked off on day one of Hollywood Week or hang around long enough to make me care about learning how to spell her last name. I’ll just be annoyed with anything else.
Sophia Missed the Last Name – Was ugly as sin, but she can sing. What can I say, kiddies? I know this is thin gruel, but I think at this time I was still blinded by Keia’s neon yellow leggings.
Jermaine Sellers – Is a cutie patootie. Darlings, he served on that rendition of One of Us. It was inspired. Sanctified. Anointed, as Mary J noted. I really enjoyed this kid. He can blow. He may fall into the trap of going riff happy, but if he can deliver on those runs as well as he did on this song, I might be able to stand it. And he’s got a back story that America will eat up with a spoon. This skinny choirboy could go far.
Christie Marie Agronow is a narcissistic psycho and I refuse. And that’s the 4-1-1, noodles.
Vanessa Wolf – Good lord, how I loved this little Deliverance girl. If the whole her of her weren’t so horrible that no one could even dream it up, I’d swear that she was a phony or a plant. And I loved how sweet the judges were with her, especially Simon. Her rendition of Wagon Wheel was so good that I now want to go and listen to this song which I had never heard of before last night. Kittens, I fear that Hollywood, and most specifically this wicked machine we call AI, will break this girl in ways that even someone as mean spirited as I am not ready for. I almost don’t even want her to make the show. Maybe it will be enough that she gets to ride for the first time in an aero plane.
Jesse Hamilton – Darlings, I fucking love this show’s black, evil heart. The dramatic re-enactment of the life and times of Mr. Unlucky? The fact that Mary J could not hold her shit together here and straight up broke down in tears laughing in this country bumpkin’s face. The spectacle of the Dawg feeding If Tomorrow Never Comes to this kid when the judges knew full well that he couldn’t sing and he would never get through. Family, it was all so wrong . . . and yet so, so right. Now that’s the kind of bad audition that satisfies.
Holly the Human Guitar – Mary J haaaattteeed her. Because, of course, Mary J is a truly talented singer and she could smell the Pickle style bullshit coming off this girl in desperate waves. No amount of chicanery can mask the fact that her version of You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man was just a notch above adequate and the other three put her through because they understand and buy in to the myth that this show is pushing that you or I or other karaoke warriors might be the next American Idol, which we all know will never, ever happen but we don’t say in order to keep in tact the unspoken compact we have going to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. But Mary J is better than that. So she said no. The others, who long ago sold their souls for 8 pieces of silver, said yes, and voila. Pickle 2.0 is born. We get the contestants we deserve, kiddies.
Mallory Hale – I automatically hate anyone who sings Piece of My Heart on this show. I don’t care that Mary J thinks she’s dope. Nothing will convince me that blonde and big boobs didn’t land her a spot in Hollywood Week. Noodles, where would I be if I actually agreed with any judge, even one as fabulous as the Queen of R&B Soul, on everything? Perish the thought.
Antonio AKA Skiblowski – I hate him and everything about him except on the real? This fool can blow. His rendition of Heard It Through the Grapevine was fire. After all the bad singing and bad acting cretins the judges have put through over the years for sheer spectacle, Simon ought to be ashamed that he wanted to cut this kid, who can actually flat out sing, just for being an obnoxious asshat. No one will ever vote for this clown, so he’ll never make the show, but kittens, he should. And much like Lamar, who will lose his ever loving mind in a minute, this kid will never understand why people hate him.
Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders are scary, grown up JonBenet’s and Carmen is a loud is the new good. Neither of these girls will ever make this show, just as Simon noted, and I refuse.
Bryan Walker – A singing everyman. OK. Kittens, I guess we need one ever season, don’t we? He’s fine, if you like that sort of thing. And if you can get past the fact that he looks like a grown up Chicken Little. He’s surely not your next American Idol, but that’s not what this round’s all about, no? He has a good voice with a nice tone. He can’t do everything with it that he thinks he can, which he’ll find out soon enough, but he’s good early round fodder.
Lamar Royal showed his whole entire ass to a salivating nation and I refuse.
Larry Platt – Whoops, I mean General Larry Platt. Sigh. Noodles, we’ll now spend the next six months Reliving Pants on the Ground, which was not nearly amusing as either Mary J or the show thinks it was.
And we were out. Bye, Mary J. Loved you, girl. Please come back real soon.
Next up it’s that toddlin’ town. After two rounds of audition cities, I still only really love Katie, who’s bound to break my heart. On the bright side, there are only a few on to Hollywood that I actively hate. So on balance, we’re off to a good start, family. Next stop, Shania.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
American Idol S9 Ep1 Farewell to All That
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Kittens, so it begins. No Paula. Soon to be no Simon. Ryan is dressed like the worlds most tidily groomed homeless person. (Whither the bespoke suits?) And for some inexplicable reason, Judge #4 is still alive and kicking. But hey, Randy is useless and Posh looked twelve different flavors of emaciated and crazy, so it’s good to know that some things never change. I’ve wailed and gnashed my teeth with the best of them as Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz have attempted to destroy everything good and decent about this show, but you know what, noodles? The bitches got me again. How can I hold out against the Portuguese speaking, Alzheimer’s granny who looks like a frailer Sophia Petrillo and just wants to see her granddaughter sing on the Kodak Theater stage before she loses her whole entire mind and turns into a drooling, tapioca pooping shadow of her former self, especially when the girl in question can flat out blow and turns in a rendition of At Last that was better than Beyonce’s Inauguration Ball performance by several clicks and said girl made me plum forget how much I abhor 16 year olds on AI? I KNOW! How do they do it, noodles? It’s elementary. No matter what drama is going on As the Judges Turn, this show is, at its root, about the kids. (If only Judge #4 could get that through all the peanut butter between her ears she’d be so much less heinous than she is) And as soon as the kids start making it do what it do, this show is magic, kiddies. Magic. Sit back, relax and prepare to have your heart stomped for the next several weeks. Our favorite dysfunctional family is doing it to it. And doing it like it should be done. Let’s saddle up.
Boston, Massachusetts
I’m going to blame everyone’s bad fashion on the hated Boston Celtics. Kara DioIstillsucktremendousamountsofass being the first judge on my TV? Fail. Simon’s man boobs clinging to that tight white t-shirt? Fail. Ryan Seacrest in jeans and a t-shirt? Epic fail. Posh weighing in at half a pound with water wings on her hips and a crazy lace schmatta tied around her head? Well, that was kind of awesome, but in the abstract? Fail. Who else to blame but the Celtics? Oh, and they made it rain, too.
Janet McNamara is a famewhore and a fake ass faker and I refuse. Her only redeeming quality is that she had no idea who Judge #4 was and kept calling her Paula. Whee!
Maddy Curtis – Is 16 and is trailing three Down’s syndrome brothers behind her which is unfortunate and pretty much marks her as exactly the kind of contestant that I will hate on site. And yet, she did a decent job with Hallelujah. She has a pleasant voice, I suppose. Nothing to write home about. And heaven knows she needs styling more than any person on the planet. The Downs boys dressed her, don’t you think? How else to explain the camel toe shorts and the Birkenstocks and the ratty-tatty hair? I kind of hope she makes the show just so the trannyhos can get their hands on her. They can hardly do worse, no? Eh, she’s not your next American Idol, but she’ll make decent cannon fodder.
Pat Ford – Was the best thing ever on this show. Famewhores, take note. That is how it’s motherfucking done. If he’d been able to sing even a little bit at all, he’d have won this whole show. Darlings, he broke it the hell on down on Womanizer. Did you check the choreography? I love this kid. I want him to come to my home and watch Idol with me. We will snark and be fabulous together and he can teach me that better than Brittany combo. Seriously, Pat Ford. Hit me up. I want to get to know ya.
Jennifer Hirsch, some girl in Blue, and Jesse Wolf – One of these things is not like the others, no? Jennifer can sing her butt off and her audition choice of Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead was inspired. Love her. Blue girl and Jesse Wolf could not really sing. And in the case of Jesse, make that could not sing even a little bit. Jesse, you’re just that good that you can riff all over People Get Ready? Because you’ve got it like that? Bitch, please. Find the melody first and then come back and talk to me. Yick. That’s another Tattoo Sleeve in the making right there.
Amadeo DiRicco – Hoochie Coochie Man? What? That Italian white boy blew the doors off on that song. Muddy Waters rose up out of his grave to give him some dap. I suspect that this one is going to break my heart, much like He Man Oilman did last year, by being that guy that everyone thinks can really sing, but can’t really sing. He can only sing in relation to how well everyone else you know can sing. But for now, I enjoyed the hell out of this dude. Noodles, I love when contestants surprise me this deep into this predictable show. Simon also dug this dude and I love it when Mr. Cowell’s cynicism cracks just a little bit and he gets excited about an auditioner. And though I fear the Sopranos clichés and I fear for my poor pocket gays continued health and safety around all those big burly men, on the whole, I’m happy to see Amadeo move on. I hope he can bring it like that on other songs.
Derek Hilton – Is in desperate need of some Pro-Activ. Call JSimp. She can hook you up and she’s not too busy just lately. And “I hit really loud notes”? Dammit, kids. Loud is not the new good, all evidence from AI to the contrary. No wonder top 40 radio is unadulterated crap. Hitting notes really loud does not equal good singing. Please trust that this is so. Kiddies, must we learn this lesson anew every single season. Also, never, never reference Chris Brown and his ability to “touch people”. Seriously. Ever. I mean, really? This child has no home training.
Mary Doyle is a famewhore and a fake ass faker who can’t even muster some crocodile tears for the cameras and I refuse.
Luke Shaffer – And Paula just came on her couch, darlings. Was there ever any doubt that this kid was gonna get through despite his somewhat mediocre vocal stylings? Judge #4 wanted to do him on the judges’ table. I’m sure Posh would’ve joined in if her bones weren’t so brittle. Eh, whatever. He’s pretty wallpaper at this stage.
Benjamin Bright – On the other hand, kittens, this kid has a really pretty voice. Too bad he’s pudgy and kind of blah. Maybe with different hair? Nah. I wish him the best, but I don’t see him going very far, do you? I mean, I’ve already forgotten what he sang.
Andrew Fenlon is another fake ass faker which came back to bite him in the ass when it turned out that he had an incredibly beautiful voice. Family, he shut it down with that version of House of the Rising Sun. He was killing it. And because he came in talking all that yang, he wound up getting dissed and dismissed by Posh and Judge #4. Oh, the humanity!
Bill Bloom, Michael Ryan, what the fuck is wrong with y’all? Adam Lambert is not every gay theater boy and not every gay theater boy is Adam Lambert.
Ashley Rodriguez – Was definitely going to get through due to Judge #4 and her love affair with “package artists” AKA pretty people who can’t really sing but that’s OK because their voices can be autotuned beyond recognition and then their albums can be sold because they are pretty. And of course Posh loved her because she was her 10 years and 100 pounds ago. So anyway, she’s not terrible. If I Ain’t Got You was way too big for her. She could reach top 12 where she’d get promptly Scarnato’ed or she could be out day one during Hollywood Week. Time will tell.
Tyler Brady – Has that whole skinny, white rocker boy sexy thing going on. I was grooving on it. And he can sing, though he chose the absolutely wrong song for him. Unless your first name is Marvin and your last name is Gaye, you can’t sing Let’s Get It On. It just comes of cheesy. As it did here with this kid. But he’s got a nice voice and an ass load of charisma, so he could go far. Also, tree climbing? What is he? 5? White people are such a mystery to me.
Lisa Olivero and Ryan Keane are delusional in almost exactly the same way except that Lisa Olivero at least has a tremendo culo. Discuss.
Mike Davis – Made me agree with Randy and y’all know how much I hate to agree with Randy. But the Dawg was right. This kid has a good, not great voice. And he’s not really all that charismatic or all that cute. (In desperate need of a shave. Dammit, white boys, let the goatee go. I’m begging you) Did you remember what he sang? That’s OK, kittens. Neither did I. I had to go back to my notes and look it up and it was Yesterday. Who forgets Yesterday? It’s iconic. Although, not in this kid’s hands because he’s the epitome of milquetoast. Next.
Katie Stevens – Cutest grandma ever. Voice is no joke. 16. Bah. Get older, faster. It’s too much to ask for another Manic Panic so soon after the last one.
Joshua Blaylock – Is cross-eyed and his voice is too nasally all up in his nasal. (I miss you, Pau Pau!) He will never make this show and I’m already tired of all the daily affirmations. Why put him through? Just so Simon can fuck with him. He hates every single person left on this show, y’all. It’s so sad. How many times did he get up and just walk away from the table. No wonder he’s leaving at the end of the season. I think he really might murder Judge #4 before the season’s done. To which I say a hearty, “Hell, yeah!”
Justin Williams – He’s a cancer survivor, a missionary, cute as a button and he can blow in a very Buble kind of way? This kid is so money. I certainly hope he can get beyond the throw back, hipster vibe. I think he can, because he destroyed Feelin’ Good. I like this kid. A lot.
Norberto Guerrero – Sings like a 3 year old. Dresses like Latoya Jackson . . . with a beard. I love you, Simon Cowell. Don’t ever change.
Bosa – I missed the last name but does it even matter? He’s not that great a singer and he’s kind of fugly. They just put him through so that they could use The Lion King music and make fun of his mom’s head wraps. Stay classy, show.
Leah Lorenti – She has a lovely voice and she did a nice rendition of Blue Skies. Now she can skip off the melody and still stay in tune and have a little fun with the song (even though she flubbed the lyrics a skoosh). It was all to the good with this one except . . . well, she’s a little narigona, no, kittens? But so was Babs. It could totally work. Anyway, she wasn’t exactly a show closer (I’d have gone with Katie or Justin, maybe Tyler) but she was solid.
Is that it? Are we done? Time flies, noodles. As does that fat boy doing that Russian split jump, what? That was fire. There’s no one I love from this first show, save Katie. And even that love is tainted by her 16-ness. But I do like a couple: Leah, Justin, Tyler. And since we didn’t see half of the ones who made it through, as is the show’s custom, who knows how many I really like from this evening?
Bring on the dirty south tomorrow. I see you, ATL.
Boston, Massachusetts
I’m going to blame everyone’s bad fashion on the hated Boston Celtics. Kara DioIstillsucktremendousamountsofass being the first judge on my TV? Fail. Simon’s man boobs clinging to that tight white t-shirt? Fail. Ryan Seacrest in jeans and a t-shirt? Epic fail. Posh weighing in at half a pound with water wings on her hips and a crazy lace schmatta tied around her head? Well, that was kind of awesome, but in the abstract? Fail. Who else to blame but the Celtics? Oh, and they made it rain, too.
Janet McNamara is a famewhore and a fake ass faker and I refuse. Her only redeeming quality is that she had no idea who Judge #4 was and kept calling her Paula. Whee!
Maddy Curtis – Is 16 and is trailing three Down’s syndrome brothers behind her which is unfortunate and pretty much marks her as exactly the kind of contestant that I will hate on site. And yet, she did a decent job with Hallelujah. She has a pleasant voice, I suppose. Nothing to write home about. And heaven knows she needs styling more than any person on the planet. The Downs boys dressed her, don’t you think? How else to explain the camel toe shorts and the Birkenstocks and the ratty-tatty hair? I kind of hope she makes the show just so the trannyhos can get their hands on her. They can hardly do worse, no? Eh, she’s not your next American Idol, but she’ll make decent cannon fodder.
Pat Ford – Was the best thing ever on this show. Famewhores, take note. That is how it’s motherfucking done. If he’d been able to sing even a little bit at all, he’d have won this whole show. Darlings, he broke it the hell on down on Womanizer. Did you check the choreography? I love this kid. I want him to come to my home and watch Idol with me. We will snark and be fabulous together and he can teach me that better than Brittany combo. Seriously, Pat Ford. Hit me up. I want to get to know ya.
Jennifer Hirsch, some girl in Blue, and Jesse Wolf – One of these things is not like the others, no? Jennifer can sing her butt off and her audition choice of Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead was inspired. Love her. Blue girl and Jesse Wolf could not really sing. And in the case of Jesse, make that could not sing even a little bit. Jesse, you’re just that good that you can riff all over People Get Ready? Because you’ve got it like that? Bitch, please. Find the melody first and then come back and talk to me. Yick. That’s another Tattoo Sleeve in the making right there.
Amadeo DiRicco – Hoochie Coochie Man? What? That Italian white boy blew the doors off on that song. Muddy Waters rose up out of his grave to give him some dap. I suspect that this one is going to break my heart, much like He Man Oilman did last year, by being that guy that everyone thinks can really sing, but can’t really sing. He can only sing in relation to how well everyone else you know can sing. But for now, I enjoyed the hell out of this dude. Noodles, I love when contestants surprise me this deep into this predictable show. Simon also dug this dude and I love it when Mr. Cowell’s cynicism cracks just a little bit and he gets excited about an auditioner. And though I fear the Sopranos clichés and I fear for my poor pocket gays continued health and safety around all those big burly men, on the whole, I’m happy to see Amadeo move on. I hope he can bring it like that on other songs.
Derek Hilton – Is in desperate need of some Pro-Activ. Call JSimp. She can hook you up and she’s not too busy just lately. And “I hit really loud notes”? Dammit, kids. Loud is not the new good, all evidence from AI to the contrary. No wonder top 40 radio is unadulterated crap. Hitting notes really loud does not equal good singing. Please trust that this is so. Kiddies, must we learn this lesson anew every single season. Also, never, never reference Chris Brown and his ability to “touch people”. Seriously. Ever. I mean, really? This child has no home training.
Mary Doyle is a famewhore and a fake ass faker who can’t even muster some crocodile tears for the cameras and I refuse.
Luke Shaffer – And Paula just came on her couch, darlings. Was there ever any doubt that this kid was gonna get through despite his somewhat mediocre vocal stylings? Judge #4 wanted to do him on the judges’ table. I’m sure Posh would’ve joined in if her bones weren’t so brittle. Eh, whatever. He’s pretty wallpaper at this stage.
Benjamin Bright – On the other hand, kittens, this kid has a really pretty voice. Too bad he’s pudgy and kind of blah. Maybe with different hair? Nah. I wish him the best, but I don’t see him going very far, do you? I mean, I’ve already forgotten what he sang.
Andrew Fenlon is another fake ass faker which came back to bite him in the ass when it turned out that he had an incredibly beautiful voice. Family, he shut it down with that version of House of the Rising Sun. He was killing it. And because he came in talking all that yang, he wound up getting dissed and dismissed by Posh and Judge #4. Oh, the humanity!
Bill Bloom, Michael Ryan, what the fuck is wrong with y’all? Adam Lambert is not every gay theater boy and not every gay theater boy is Adam Lambert.
Ashley Rodriguez – Was definitely going to get through due to Judge #4 and her love affair with “package artists” AKA pretty people who can’t really sing but that’s OK because their voices can be autotuned beyond recognition and then their albums can be sold because they are pretty. And of course Posh loved her because she was her 10 years and 100 pounds ago. So anyway, she’s not terrible. If I Ain’t Got You was way too big for her. She could reach top 12 where she’d get promptly Scarnato’ed or she could be out day one during Hollywood Week. Time will tell.
Tyler Brady – Has that whole skinny, white rocker boy sexy thing going on. I was grooving on it. And he can sing, though he chose the absolutely wrong song for him. Unless your first name is Marvin and your last name is Gaye, you can’t sing Let’s Get It On. It just comes of cheesy. As it did here with this kid. But he’s got a nice voice and an ass load of charisma, so he could go far. Also, tree climbing? What is he? 5? White people are such a mystery to me.
Lisa Olivero and Ryan Keane are delusional in almost exactly the same way except that Lisa Olivero at least has a tremendo culo. Discuss.
Mike Davis – Made me agree with Randy and y’all know how much I hate to agree with Randy. But the Dawg was right. This kid has a good, not great voice. And he’s not really all that charismatic or all that cute. (In desperate need of a shave. Dammit, white boys, let the goatee go. I’m begging you) Did you remember what he sang? That’s OK, kittens. Neither did I. I had to go back to my notes and look it up and it was Yesterday. Who forgets Yesterday? It’s iconic. Although, not in this kid’s hands because he’s the epitome of milquetoast. Next.
Katie Stevens – Cutest grandma ever. Voice is no joke. 16. Bah. Get older, faster. It’s too much to ask for another Manic Panic so soon after the last one.
Joshua Blaylock – Is cross-eyed and his voice is too nasally all up in his nasal. (I miss you, Pau Pau!) He will never make this show and I’m already tired of all the daily affirmations. Why put him through? Just so Simon can fuck with him. He hates every single person left on this show, y’all. It’s so sad. How many times did he get up and just walk away from the table. No wonder he’s leaving at the end of the season. I think he really might murder Judge #4 before the season’s done. To which I say a hearty, “Hell, yeah!”
Justin Williams – He’s a cancer survivor, a missionary, cute as a button and he can blow in a very Buble kind of way? This kid is so money. I certainly hope he can get beyond the throw back, hipster vibe. I think he can, because he destroyed Feelin’ Good. I like this kid. A lot.
Norberto Guerrero – Sings like a 3 year old. Dresses like Latoya Jackson . . . with a beard. I love you, Simon Cowell. Don’t ever change.
Bosa – I missed the last name but does it even matter? He’s not that great a singer and he’s kind of fugly. They just put him through so that they could use The Lion King music and make fun of his mom’s head wraps. Stay classy, show.
Leah Lorenti – She has a lovely voice and she did a nice rendition of Blue Skies. Now she can skip off the melody and still stay in tune and have a little fun with the song (even though she flubbed the lyrics a skoosh). It was all to the good with this one except . . . well, she’s a little narigona, no, kittens? But so was Babs. It could totally work. Anyway, she wasn’t exactly a show closer (I’d have gone with Katie or Justin, maybe Tyler) but she was solid.
Is that it? Are we done? Time flies, noodles. As does that fat boy doing that Russian split jump, what? That was fire. There’s no one I love from this first show, save Katie. And even that love is tainted by her 16-ness. But I do like a couple: Leah, Justin, Tyler. And since we didn’t see half of the ones who made it through, as is the show’s custom, who knows how many I really like from this evening?
Bring on the dirty south tomorrow. I see you, ATL.
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