SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep18 Goodbye Is All We Have

I’m fashionably late, kittens. Do forgive. I’ve been struggling with how to talk about the finale since it aired last Thursday because, really, what is there to say? A perfectly serviceable end to a workmanlike season, no? When the most exciting part of the finale is wondering whether Cat’s going to suffer a nip slip from her silken bath towel ensemble, then I think one can safely say that this season’s final episode lacked a little oomph. Darlings, I detest the move to the Kodak. The drunk camera monkeys cannot figure out how to effectively film the routines in this larger venue. The kids got swallowed up by the huge stage and the judges and Cat mugged endlessly and played to the rafters rather than to the sofa set. If they insist on going back next year, they should definitely make the move earlier, say at top 10, to give the kids and the camera monkeys time to get used to being on the big stage.

So anyway, there was a show, right? Shankdaddy, Ms. Debbie Allen and her out of control weave, Mia, Lil C and Tasty all joined Unca Nigel and Mary on the judges panel, so we’ll take the performances in bunches by judge. That’s the easiest. Yes, I think so. Oh, and Jeanine is your favorite dancer but Janette ruled the roost. Really. How could you, America? Bitches.

Shankman’s Selections

Chbeeb and Jeanine/Hip Hop (Mad) Week One/Top 20 – Oh, Shankdaddy. How you let me down on this one. NappyTab? Really? And this NappyTab? Not the one with the chains that was actually the better Chbeeb/Jeanine NappyTab if you just had to have one? Well, noodles, I didn’t get this choice at all. Jeanine and the Chbeeb came out and danced it reasonably well, I suppose. But it’s a crap number and one of the more forgettable of the season, so I was underwhelmed.

Randi and Evan/Contemporary (Koop Island Blues) Week Three/Top 16– But he redeemed himself a little bit here with the booty dance. This was great fun the first time and great fun again on finale night. Randi had a few little bobbles and balance breaks, but on the whole, it was nice to remember a time when I didn’t find Evan horribly outclassed on this show. When Mia is on, she’s really on. And it was surprisingly nice to see Fat Face again. She’s a good little dancer. I hope her exposure on the show leads to some work because she’s quite versatile and just an enjoyable presence up on that stage and who would’ve thought I’d ever say that about Fat Face and her unitard clad self at the beginning of this season? Live and learn, kiddies. Live and learn.

Ms. Debbie Allen’s Alternatives

Asuka and Vitolio/Waltz (Dreams Are More Precious) Week Two/Top 18– Hell if I know, kittens. The judges just served up some head scratchers. This was not a particularly memorable routine. Nor were this pair fan favorites. Both out before top 10 and with good reason on both Asuka (bitchface and not that versatile) and Vitolio’s (not as good as other contemporary boys) parts. I suppose they danced it just fine, as they had done the first time. But as we would see through the fifty million other pieces from his ouvre that got chosen, Louis did far better pieces this season. Yeah, I got nothing.

Top 16 Group Routine/Salsa-Hip Hop (I Know You Want Me/Calle Ocho) Week Three– And just like Shankman, Ms. Debbie Allen managed to redeem herself with this choice, not least because she finally, finally gave us the Fame quote! (Side note: I will not let Kherington ruin Fame for me. I will not let Kherington ruin Fame for me. I will not let Kherington ruin Fame for me.) Dmitry is a superstar who hasn’t taken a choreographic misstep on this show and he makes even NappyTab crazy sexy. That’s what’s up. Throw some water on it, honey! Indeed, Ms. Debbie Allen. Indeed. Janette shined like the sun in this number. Criminal, America. Criminal. Bitches.

Mia’s Matches

Max and Kayla/Samba (Jum Bah Day) Week One/Top 20– Why was the show jocking Louis so hard? As we’ve discussed, darlings, Louis was a great addition to their stable of choreographers, but really? Four routines worth of Louis? And what was up with almost all of the judges pick dances coming from the front half of the season? Only three dances came from top 10 week or higher, and two of those were from Mary. Really, what does that say about the quality of the back half of the show? Nothing from Wade. Nothing from Laurie Ann. Nothing from Mandy. Nothing from the new girls – Stacey Tookie or Joey Dowling. Each of them had at least an arguable shot. It was odd, no? I mean, I know I thought that the show lacked pizzazz this season, but is that really the message that they themselves want to be giving out? I think not, kiddies. At any rate, Kayla and Max danced this and it wasn’t nearly as good as week one, but what can you expect when week one was a million years ago and Max really wasn’t all that great to begin with? Also, the camera angles were for shit on this dance. By far the worst of the night.

Melissa and Ade/Contemporary (This Woman’s Work) Week Seven/Top 8 – It’s a gorgeous piece and it was beautifully danced again. But honestly, SYTYCD? Mighty full of ourselves all of a sudden, aren’t we? The dance didn’t actually cure Tasty’s friend of cancer. You don’t have a miracle at Lourdes on your hands. It was shocking that this was Ade and Melissa’s only partner dance since they were one of the couples of the season (or so I thought). Huh.

Lil C’s Catch

Why did Lil C and Tasty only get one choice each? I mean, I love Shankdaddy and Ms. Debbie Allen more than my luggage and I’m all for them bumping these two to second class status, but they actually choreograph for the show (and Tasty is even good and Emmy winning sometimes) so why the lack of respect? That’s cold, Simon Fuller. That’s cold.

Jason and Caitlin/Bollywood (Jai Ho) Week One/Top 20 – Awww. It was good to see the sparkle back. I do enjoy that girl. And this routine was fun. They were much more in synch than the first time they did it. And Jason sure got kissed a lot on this show, right? Noodles, do we really think it’s responsible adult behavior to cultivate a generation of teen hags who will spend years hung up on pretty boys who will never, ever want to do other than “play” kiss them at the end of a dance routine? Especially when a hallmark of Bollywood movies is that the characters don’t kiss or touch due to the conservative cultural and religious value system in Indian society. That’s just cruel.

Tyce’s Take

Janette and Brandon/Disco (Loving Is Really My Game) Week Two/Top 18 – It was so bittersweet seeing the lovely and talented Janette. This was a fun routine the first time around, and I’ve already gone on record as saying that Doriana did her best work since S1 this past season. That said, none of Doriana's routines were up to finale standards. But Brandon and Janette came out and sold it. They have so much chemistry together that they practically combust. And those two know how to own a stage. One of the few pairs that didn’t get swallowed by all that extra space. Janette is such a firecracker. And now I’m getting all choked up again about her completely unjustified ouster at top 8. Completely unjustified. Bitches.

Nigel’s Notions

Janette and Brandon/Tango (Libertango) Week Five/Top 12 – This was one of the best choices of the night. There have been some great tangos on this show, kittens. Danny and Sara and Mark and Chelsie both have brought lots of heat, passion and good technique to the task. But no other tango can match the intricacy of this choreography by Leonardo and Miriam or the crispness of Brandon and Janette’s execution. Janette’s ganchos are insane. Her legs look a million miles long in this dance. I loved it. Again, perhaps not quite as good as the first time, but really, I’ll not quibble, darlings. I loved seeing this again. And Nigel looooovvveeees Janette. As all right minded people do, noodles. And I loved seeing Janette featured in two partner dances plus the top 16 and top 8 group dances. She’s so fierce. It’s inconceivable that she didn’t at least have a chance to fight for the top spot. Inconceivable. Bitches.

Kayla and Kupono/Contemporary (Gravity) Week Five Top 12 – Nigel had by far the best choices of the night. And this routine was the only one that was better this time than the first time. Kayla was a study in total commitment to the dance and she lived and breathed this piece. She always has stunning technique and flawless lines, but sometimes she can be emotionally disconnected. Whether that is just from youth or stank-ness, I don’t know, kiddies, but it has plagued her from the start of the season and was a big reason she came 4th. But here, she really let go. I believed her suffering. And Kupono is love. He never quite became my Mark 2.0, but all the same I enjoy this Hawaii boy. He’s made to dance pieces like this, with a lot of dark and twisty turns, something a little quirky, a little kinky, a little twisted, with a character he can dig into and a story to tell. I could watch that piece over and over again.

Mary’s Marks

Jeanine and Jason/Contemporary (If It Kills Me) Week Six/Top 10 – Incredible piece. Maybe this was the best choice of the night, darlings. What? I can be indecisive if I so desire. Anyway, Travis put his foot in this choreography and Jeanine and Jason danced the hell out of it again. Sexy as all get out. I needed a cigarette after it was over. I look forward to seeing many more Travis Wall creations on the show in Season 6. And Travis should get his Emmy on. For sure.

Jeanine and Brandon/Paso Doble (Tetsujin) Week 9/Top 4 – Paso doesn’t work on this show. This is perhaps the best one that they’ve ever had precisely because it wasn’t really, technically speaking, a Paso. For straight up Paso, Chuy and Sara’s still comes closest, but, well, you know about the music. Damn you Marc and Jean France. Louis did a decent job choreographing a Latin mélange. The music choice was unfortunate, as it almost always is for Latin ballroom pieces on this show. Jeanine’s outfit – I still covet it. But kiddies, we just saw this the day before. Was this really the best piece to reprise? The question answers itself, kittens.

Cat’s Choice

Top 8 Group Dance/Broadway (One) Week 7/Top 8 - We can’t forget Cat’s choice, no? Even though technically it wasn’t her choice, she just introduced it. But she brought us a spectacle like no other, darlings. Miss Debbie Allen in a white tuxedo with the out of control weave and the bitch can still dance, y’all. She served! Diva! The judges were fly as hell, and shame on Lil C for not getting his A Chorus Line on. And Mia proved to be a much better Broadway choreographer than Tasty. Toma. Can we please, please take Tasty off Broadway duty now, Show? Haven’t we suffered enough?

Gone Tomorrow, Here Today

And that was the whole shebang. I mean, yes, Tasty’s Broadway piece opened the show but the less said about that the better. And yes, the SYTYCD Australia winner came out and did a Sonya piece that was quite interesting but she looked like a Bizarro-world Jeanine and we could’ve seen another routine from our SYTYCD in the time that piece took up which I would have preferred or in other words I could’ve had a V-8. Nigel got his girl winner and exactly the one that he’d been angling for since America threw a monkey wrench in his plans by ousting the fabulous Janette (Bitches) proving yet again that you don’t fuck with the master. And now Sabra doesn’t have to hold it down alone as the sole female winner of SYTYCD, though she does have to continue to struggle under the burden of being the least deserving winner in SYTYCD history, a title which I feel she will never shrug off. And we’re done.

Kittens, we’ve only got a month before the whole circus starts up again. (Side Note: How awesome would it be to have Brit Brit as a guest judge on the show? So, so awesome. Get on that, Simon Fuller!) In the meantime, I’m going to try to blog about ABDC, which I am ridiculously excited about, but honestly I don’t know whether I have the strength. After we march through Fall SYTYCD we’ll be ass over teakettle into AI and I don’t know how I’m going to survive that without Paula and having to swallow more inane bullshit from Judge #4 and then if they do SYTYCD immediately again in the summer . . . I’m exhausted just thinking about it. So ABDC until I get tired which may be tomorrow. See you on MTV, darlings.