SYTYCD S10 Top 20 Reveal: X Marks the Spot

Darlings, the X sign all the little Season 10ers are doing is better than the S4 shoulder thing but not by much. Why do you need a hand signal, children? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Think on it.

In brighter news, it’s Hollywood. And Cat Deeley, is dressed in a sparkly, three quarter length sleeve romper? Uh oh. Cat is dressed like a crazy person. I have a bad feeling about tonight. We did get a Boogie Nights reference out of it, though, so it’s not all bad.

Mary, Nigel and Shankdaddy on tonight’s judges panel. Eh, you could do worse, except for Nigel is already full of shit spouting off about how this is the first time that you are bringing folks who maybe can’t cut it into the top 20 *cough*Cedric*cough*

Reveals and Opening Performances

And away we go . . .

Fik Shun – Obviously, he’s in. They never start with a boot. He’s still such a cutie in his short sleeved striped hoodie. He looks like he’s 9. Woah. What is up with Mia’s hair? And why is she on the top 20 panel when she wasn’t in Vegas at all? That’s odd.

Mini-Chbeeb (Emilio?) - In. I didn’t even know he had a name and now he’s gone. He’ll always be Mini-Chbeeb to me. That’s two dancers lost to car accidents this season (if you count Hampton/Exorcist). Not to dancers – learn how to take the bus.

Markus Shields – I don’t even remember him from the first time he tried out. That doesn’t bode well. Side note: Mary is way too blonde. Back on topic: And like I thought, he’s cut. Again. That’s gotta be tough. Poor noodle.

Mariah Spears – Utah Krumper. Dear show, we did not first meet Mariah in Austin. Liars. Some of us remember how you should have put her in your top 20 last year. Thank you, me. Y’all, she’s nuts. I am gonna pull for her like nobody’s business. And what was Twitch on about? Um, Comfort, Donyelle and Sarah would beg to differ from you, Twitch, on the fact that there haven’t been many successful female hip hoppers on SYTYCD. Damn.

Fik Shun/ Mariah/Hip Hop/Ball/TI – Luther Brown is the choreographer. Thank heavens for no NappyTab. And they’ve got Fik Shun in as hip hop even though earlier they’d been billing him as yet another animator. OK. That means they’re definitely going to take both Jade and Blueprint. As for the routine, OMG, I’ve watched it three times already. Sick. Let me tell ya that Utah Krumper at nothing to fuck with. She’s so serious. These two brought oceans of attitude and swag. I loved that put my make up on bounce with it move. And the little booty pops into the “Where they at?” moves. And just the slow walk and then down to the floor and then shooting baskets while dropping on the knees. That was wild. I want to watch this routine a million times more and learn this routine. And then do this routine. And then watch it again. What I’m saying is that this routine was everything and, I swear, Mariah was fire. She’s got the attitude and the swagger and all that. I agreed with Nigel here that Mariah outdanced Fik Shun I watched her more than I was watching him. He’s good but he needs to step more out of his shell. In addition to being way too blonde, Mary looks like she got lost on the way to the Once Upon a Time set. It’s so distracting. I agree with Adam that the routine wasn’t busy busy overstuffed like so many hip hop numbers on this show are. I think that had a lot to do with the fact that these two can actually dance hip hop so they didn’t need a lot of distractions. But that meant a lot of the good stuff in the routine rested on the style each dancer brought to it and Mariah was just giving it to me more. Still, good start to the night and to hip hop this season. If I can get it like that all season, I’ll be a happy camper.

Mackenzie – Don’t remember her at all. She seems kinda generic and a little Gumby legged. Reminds me of Ryan and that is not a good thing. But she seems to have been a favorite, so I guess she’s in? Yep. OK, there are always a couple red shirts that pop up.

Jasmine Harper – Clearly in. And no mention of Cyrus. Nice

Ryan Johnson – Never saw him so he must be gone. And the hair is nothing nice. I’m sure that didn’t help.

Lots of no name contempo girls. Won’t miss ‘em.

Tucker and Nico – I was not a fan of Nico after we saw his very first audition. So frantic. Hope he did better in Vegas. Tucker, I still love. The hair is killing me, though. Killing me. He’s heaven as a dancer but the look is tragic. Seems like they’ll take both and then set them up against each other throughout the season. They do enjoy that.

Jasmine/Mackenzie/Tucker/Nico/Contemporary/Goes On and On – Stacey is very hit or miss for me and of these four I only am really in love with Tucker so far, so let’s see if they can bring it like it should be brought. So the first 16 counts or so of this dance really were not grabbing me. It felt kind of slumpy, grabby muddled contemporary and then all of a sudden with Jasmine’s first lift these fools all started turning it out. And then it was amazing. They were really well synchronized for the amount of time I know they have to work on their routines. Nico is still frantic for me. Throwing his energy everywhere. In one of the lifts, Jasmine had a weird foot thing where I wasn’t sure if she was supposed to be flexed or not and if it’s intentional, I should know. But overall, they all had lovely technique. Good turns, good centers. Nice grounded plies. Solid partnering from all four. As Mary said, there were beautiful transitions in this routine. I didn’t disagree with Shankdaddy’s critiques and I’m so glad he gave some. Even great performers can get better. I loved his admonition to Nico to dance more from his back. I think it’s partly because he throws his moves away. More control would be nice. They all made impressions. I already love Tucker a little bit more now that he’s had a haircut. And no mention of Cyrus again with Jasmine. Well done, show.

Wow. I feel like we are two for two on routines so far. That bodes well.

Alexis – I enjoyed this tap girl. She was the one with weird upper body stiffness during her initial audition, but I remember seeing a teensy snippet of her in Vegas and she seemed to be coping quite well. Twitch is a terrible psych out practitioner.

Curtis – Such a cutie pie and he had the emotional break through with Stacey so he’s in. For real for real. Ah. I could just eat him up.

Aaron – He is also adorable. Wish we’d seen more of him. I love that he wants to be an All Star. Dream big, baby. You gotta make the show first, though. Ouch. Ouch. It’s gotta sting to get cut like that twice in a row.

And now he’s back. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Joy throughout the land! Mini-Chbeeb’folly is Aaron’s fortune. Well, now I’m smiling even before the routine starts.

Aaron/Alexis/Curtis/Tap/You Really Did It/Jason Mraz - Anthony Marjorato(?) is the choreographer. Don’t know him but as long as it’s not Nigel, I’m good. So, wow. I really liked that. I know next to nothing about tap technique, but it was loads of fun. And Alexis had beautiful turns and she was doing triples in tap shoes so props to that. In fact, I found her to be drawing my eye the most in both the fluid and the more staccato moments. Loved whatever the gliding stuff was that they did on those little wooden mats on the floor. That was super cool. Aaron’s solo reminded me of Gregory Hines. And Curtis remains adorable, although to me his work looked the most unfinished and juvenile of the group. On the whole, I was wildly entertained.  Three for three. I’m getting excited. Ha! The choreographer was the Pugsley looking dude sitting between Stacey and Christopher Scott. Never would have guessed. The judges were totally useless here except Nigel. I know you don’t know much about the style, Mary, but “Tap on”? Really?

Jade and Blueprint – I just don’t think that someone who has been shown to struggle in other styles as much as Jade seemed to in Vegas should go through. And I’m on record as saying that Blueprint just is missing a little bit of that spark for me. Aaaaaannnddd, there’s the Cyrus reference. Blech. See? The judges see what I see. There’s some performance quality missing in Blueprint. He’s very talented, but there’s a quality I want to see that I’m not seeing yet. And wow, Jade is a teeny man. I was not knowing. Much better fake out effort from Twitch this time around. Quick learner.

Blueprint/Jade/Hip Hop/Trigger/Kezwik -. Christopher Scott. Yes! Still no NappyTab. Awesome. So, I really got into the routine. As Mary mentioned, the hat thing was amazeballs. I really think Blueprint is a lot better animator than is Jade. I don’t want to sound height-ist, but the movement just sits better on his longer limbs. Jade looked a little bit frenetic in his one solo section before he tossed back to Blueprint. I think both of them have severe limitations. Despite what Mia says, Jade’s height will be an issue when it comes to partnering. They’re going to have to choreograph around him and that’s never fun. I think he may be the shortest contestant that they’ve ever had. Even teenier than Evan. And Blueprint continues to be dead in the face which suits his style of hip hop where you are trying to be robotic and kind of like a mannequin or a statue come to life. It’s not going to be fine in a contemporary or a Broadway piece, for example, which are very much about inhabiting the emotions of the dance. Or a ballroom piece where pulling faces is de riguer. Or really any piece which is not animator style hip hop. Huh. We’ll see. Just on its own as a piece of dance, though, I enjoyed the routine and we are now four for four on the night with Mia up to bat next. Awww, sookie sookie now.

Carlos Garlan – I don’t remember this kid. He looks like a busted Cheon. And busted Cheon is in. He seemed good in the two seconds I saw of him, but his personality is wearing me out already. Don’t offer up a massage and a scratch. That’s just weird.

David Lorenzo – Don’t know you, squeaky voice. Bye bye.

Haley Erbert – The girl they tried to sell as overly sexy who was actually just good during the city auditions. Ah, yes. I recall. They didn’t show her at all in Vegas. Oh, little mouse. Timid will not cut it on this show. Embrace the fierce. At least, she’s gorgeous. Wow.

Malece Miller – Oh, please. She was in the minute she stepped on the stage the very first time. Yuck. What is she wearing? I dislike her so, so much. Stop crying, you pixie fool. You’re going down early like many a Chosen One before you.

Hayley/Carlos/Malece/Contemporary/Stay/Rihanna – Mia Michaels. Well, I’m kind of over this song and the Mad Men style costumes and I’m already annoyed with two of these three dancers so these kids have a lot to overcome if they are going to win me over. Let’s see what they got. Oh for pity’s sake! I could not have hated that routine more. I can’t even comment on the dancing, such as it was, because it was mainly a lot of flail-y over emoting and messing about on living room furniture. I just…eww. No. I don’t understand what they were doing. I saw Carlos do a few accro tricks on the Twister style rug and pick both girls up a few times. Hayley seems like she has good toe point? Yeah, I got nothing. I’d have to watch it again to tell if there was any detectable dancing in that dancing and I don’t wanna watch it again. And clearly, Nigel is trying to de-pimp Malece after the ridiculous fluffing she’s gotten thus far. Won’t work though because she’s not good enough. Shankdaddy hates all of them. Ha! I guess every season needs its sacrificial lambs. Now I’m gonna drop some math on ya. Prop Mia < prop Mandy. Stick with what you know, Mia. And cut your hair. It looks like a bad weave.

Britney and Serge – Did we see them in LA? I don’t think so. Serge has auditioned before, no? She’s in, he’s out. Huh. I would’ve guessed the flip. She seems like a Jenna clone and Jenna is better.

Jenna Johnson – Firecracker. Gotta be in. So crazy that there were three sisters. If she makes the finale, they could do a trio.

Paul Kamyria – He was the winner of some other SYTYCD, no? What if he just goes around the world entering local versions of SYTYCD? Watch out, SYTYCD Canada. You’re next.

Gene and Alan Bersten – Ugh, the brother vs. brother Even and Gene Kasparzak situation again? Give it a rest. Cat is seriously the best in the business. So sweet with those boys. I would do a lot for a hug from her. Awww, both of these kids were really good. I’d take either one over Jade. And they take what appears to be the younger one. Gene has auditioned a couple times already and now he’s married with a kid. I wonder if he’ll come back.

Alan/Britney/Jenna/Paul/Samba/Wings/Little Mix - Louis Van Amstel. Well, the show is really pulling out the big choreographer guns tonight. Samba rolls, beeyotches. I thought the choreo here was really tough. Louis did not hold back. Alan was a stronger presence than Paul. He looked more masculine. He was a more commanding lead. It was odd because for the girls, even though I prefer Jenna, I felt like she was a step behind the beat pretty much the whole routine which threw a lot of the side by side partner work off because it wasn’t perfectly synchronized, but I don’t know, maybe Paul and Britney were just fast? Either way, somebody was like a half step off. That said, they all had great hip action, good, fast feet. The ladies had nice legs and nice extension. Very supple backs on all four in the samba rolls. I enjoyed it. None of them blew me away, but it served to wipe the bad taste out of my mouth after that Mia routine.

Six girls and two spots left. Really? That was cruel. Yikes.

Amy Yakima – I love her. In, in, in. All the way live, this one.

Marisa/Tessa/Gabby – Don’t know you. Don’t care. Bye, now.

Meghan Branch vs. Jasmine Mason for the final slot – Hmmm. Curly haired girl they’ve been teasing all audition season and who was featured in the most loved group routine from Vegas week or no name, blonde contempo girl. Who will get in? Who will get in? This isn’t even worth my typing time.

Amy/Jasmine/Contemporary/Enjoy/Bjork – Sonya. And these two get a duet. Oh you fancy, huh? Alright, bring it ladies. Fierce as hell! I love me some dance warrior princesses. (Why Mary gotta copy me?)From the first little walk forward into the plies I was in. And then the arm motions, the little kick back and then the leg extension? So lovely. Everything was sharp as a knife. I adored turning stag leap down to the floor. I thought Jasmine brought more attack to the piece but Amy had that icy control which felt more . . . right. OK, so there is one moment of this routine that absolutely slayed me. Just after the girls did some assisted jumps and fun stuff, Amy did a cartwheel over Jasmine’s back and then they are both standing, looking off stage right. They pick one foot up, twist it around, plant that foot, hips swing around, torso swings around and they look stage left, hands on hips, deep contraction, shoulders raised. Kittens, just that little move was everything. I died. Ran it back and watched it like seventeen times. I am living for that move. I agree that when they went into the turn and jump sequence right after that Amy’s technique was stronger than Jasmine’s, but they were both great. I don’t know if the final moves in plié in second downstage were supposed to be synchronized but I kinda liked that they were not and they seemed like they were each doing variations on a theme. And the ending pose in that strong fourth position? Yup. That’s good stuff. Love both of them.

Group Routines

Boys Top 10 Group Routine/LXD Style/Christopher Scott/Sand/Nathan Lanier – Good choice of choreographer given the composition of this particular boys top 10. OK, so I loved, loved that routine. It was really creative and there was just a gorgeous flow to the whole thing. Christopher Scott only has one thing and it’s the LXD style thing but it’s a great thing so who’s complaining? Balanchine only had one thing, too, and look how well that worked out. Special shout outs to Nico and Tucker for turning it out in that contempo trio break out section (and totally outshining Carlos – sorry, booboo); to Gene for hanging in with those hip hop kids on some choreography that I imagine has got to feel completely outside his wheelhouse. He blended in a very good way but stood out enough for me to notice him. Hard to do. Props also to Aaron. In the Vegas snippets, he seemed to be handling himself in the hip hop choreo round, so I wasn’t surprised, but it was nice to see him work in this piece. Surprisingly, the three hip hop kids, Fik Shun, Jade and Blueprint, made the least impression on me during this performance. (Well, Paul and Curtis actually made the least impression on me. Were they even dancing? I feel like I didn’t see them at all) which leads me to believe that some of my worries about each of their limitations are more than well founded. I’m quite sure the show brought in Christopher Scott for this opening group number just to accommodate them and make sure that at least at first, they were shown to their best advantage and they didn’t deliver strong outings here. I did like the piece, although it’s not my favorite Christopher Scott piece ever on the show. Ha! They made Shankdaddy stand in between cut aways to the panel. He knows it wasn’t the best ever, either.

Girls Top 10 Group Routine/Jazz/Ray Leeper/Let’s Have a Kiki/Fanny Pack and District 78 - Oh, god. I guess they felt they needed someone new to ape Fosse since Tasty’s not choreographing tonight? Give me a break. Mmmph. I’m sorry. That looked like a Dance Team routine from some UDA National Dance Team Championships. Are we at the Milk House at Disneyworld in beautiful Orlando, FL? You’ve got a lot of good girls here and they can flat out work and this is what you do with them? Give them a lot of snapping and jazzy walks with hips jutted forward and awkward stripper moves? There was maybe one turn sequence towards the end which they pulled off rather well I must say (and Jasmine, other Jasmine, not Jasmine Mason, was ruling that center) but other than that, there was nothing especially challenging about that routine. Way too much posing and booty shaking. And the song was ridonk. It was like something Ru would make the queens lip synch to on Drag Race. Ugh. No. Ray Leeper, go sit over in the corner with Mia and think about what you’ve done.

Top 20 Group Routine/Jazz/Sonya/Ghost of Sky/Steed Lord – Oh, my. There was a lot of Cedric-ing in that routine, including entire eight counts where many dancers just flat out left the stage while others stayed and put in work. Gotta say, I’m not a fan of that strategy. Were Jade, Blueprint and Fik Shun even in the routine besides the beginning where they were all standing on stage practicing their The Matrix poses engulfed in smoke? (And WTF with all the smoke? When watching dance, you really need to be able to see people’s feet and legs. It’s kind of essential) And I could ask the same question about Paul and Curtis – I saw Aaron and Alan out there more than the others as they seem to have had some cross training. Most of the girls had moments in the actual choreographed pieces of the dance but girls tend to cross train more in a variety of styles anyway. I wasn’t feeling Sonya’s plan to basically choreograph a jazz piece for the “trained” dancers and sideline anyone who didn’t yet have the technique to keep up. Boo. Other choreographers have found a way to craft much more inclusive top 20 routines. But, you know, bravo ladies and contempo boys. Way to work.

I’m OK with this top 20, but there are definitely people I could happily lose.

Boys I’m excited about

Tucker

Fik Shun

Alan

Boys I could do without

Jade

Blueprint

Paul

Messy Middle

Aaron

Carlos

Nico

Curtis

Girls I’m excited About

Jasmine M.

Amy

Jenna

Mariah

Girls I could do without

Britney

Haley

Malece

Messy Middle

Other Jasmine

Alexis

Mackenzie

That seemed like a long two hours and I don’t usually say that about this show. Still, I’m excited for next week.

SYTYCD S10 Vegas Week The Realness

Vegas Week!! And welcome to the drama factory, some of which was real but most of which was really? My notes were totally scattered and I didn’t know half these kids, but here’s what came to me:

No Miss Debbie Allen on my Vegas Judges Panel – Not only no Miss Debbie Allen but also Jason Derulo, who last I checked was a singer not a dancer and…Hannah Simone. Dance Enthusiast? Oh, hell no! The quality of the judgery was greatly diminished and I blame a lot of the more egregious shenanigans, like sending home that gorgeous boy with the unfortunate stank face both while standing and dancing, on the absence of people like Miss Debbie Allen and even Mia and Tasty Oreo, who may be cliquish bitches, but they know their dance. Twitch is still too much of a fan right now to be a really effective judge. Shankdaddy ceased to give relevant critiques long ago. Mary only really cares about ballroom kids and untrained, street dancers and their stories and Nigel, well, we all know what he really cares about. Drama: Real or Really? Oh, all too real.

No Peanut choreographing my Contemporary round – I’m sorry, but Stacey Tookie is no Peanut. And Bow Wow Wow is no Mia no matter how much of a hard ass she tries to be – and we’ll get to the ridiculous dance all night debacle later. And I had Nappy Tab choreographing the hip hop round again despite the fact that they had Twitch right there doing not much more than cheerleading on the judges panel. Though I’ll give it to them that this routine looked more like actual hip hop than soggy, storytelling lyrical hop. Really, only Dmitri and Chelsea choreographing the ballroom round made me happy tonight. Drama: Real or Really? Real and sad. Come back, Peanut. Come back.

No Hampton/Exorcist and half the pretty Ailey type boys either just never showed up or got cut before the Green Mile – I hope Exorcist is alright and that he comes back yet again next season with lots of insider knowledge gleaned from his wife’s one day in Vegas. I am hot that of the 4 or 5 gorgeous boys we saw during audition rounds, many of whom looked like they could’ve given a young Desmond Richardson a run for his money, it looks like not one of them even made it to the contemporary round, let alone to the Green Mile. Mmmph. Drama: Real or Really? That’s real, real, real. We are not amused.

No sleep ‘til Jazz round – It is not a good idea to take lots of kids who, no matter how talented, are probably not accustomed to partnering and then set a piece on them with lots of partnering and then insist that they work on said piece into the wee hours of the night and then perform it in a high stakes audition the next morning powered by nothing but Coke and desperation. It’s even worse than to try to use an accident that occurs to one of Nigel’s pampered pet blondes as a result of DWF (dancing while fatigued) to smear what seemed to be a perfectly fine specimen of Eastern European ballroom man candy. Clearly, Armin didn’t drop blonde pixie cut on her head on purpose, but Mary acted like he was a villain of the highest order. Poor Armin. No wonder he looked so confused. Also, when dancers are learning new routines, especially with lifts, sometimes they fall. Sometimes they fall on their heads. Then they shake that shit off and get back to 5,6,7,8. Seriously, that pixie girl didn’t even fall that hard. And for that she needed a neck brace, a ride on a gurney and an overnight stay in the hospital? Please. Sack up, Pixie. I’ve seen kids on this show lose an entire toe and just keep dancing. Drama: Real or Really? Really? No, seriously. Really?

No shit talking during jazz rounds – Umm, Sydney? Is that your name? Come over here and let me holler at you. No. And ewww. And stank is not a good look on anybody. Buh-bye. Drama: Real or really? Well, real for her, I don’t know about anybody else.

Dance for your life Vegas rounds is stupid and pointless – So let’s see. You have a kid and he or she royally screws up choreo in a style not his or her own. In order to prove that he or she should stay you ask that person to dance for his or her life in his or her own style. Not, you know, to go away and practice and do that same choreo again in order to show that you can take critique and make corrections quickly and that you can actually master styles not your own. Has anyone ever been kicked out of Vegas after being given the opportunity to dance for his or her life? It’s in your own style! Of course, it’s going to be phenomenal! That’s why you’re there in the first place! For crying out loud. And then to add insult to injury, they decide to fulfill their You Got Served fantasies by having a dance battle where two animators enter and one animator leaves, except, oh, never mind. You know what? They both stay. Fucking Stacey Tookie, man. Definitely no Mia. Drama: Real or Really? Oh, it’s really alright. Really stupid.

The show is still not called So You Think You Can Choreograph – Group round, why do you exist? For no other reason than to cause manufactured drama as these kids will never, ever be asked to choreograph a group number should they make the show? OK. Drama: Real or Really? Do I even need to say it? Really? Whoops, there I said it.

And now to the kids. I’ll go in order of rounds since we had to see all of them last night. (Drama: Damn skippy real!)

Solo Rounds

It seemed like the only person they really focused on during this quest for the key round was Malece Miller. This would become a theme of the night. Anyway, blonde pixie cut worked my nerves all night long. I don’t know what the judges think they are seeing in her, but I see a whole lot of nothing all that special. The best part of her dancing appeared to be the tricks that she can do but since doing a back flip is not equivalent to dancing, eh. I was underwhelmed. It certainly wasn’t worth throwing Armin under the bus for this heifer. But Nigel does love a blonde and he also loves his pixie sprites so I fully expect her to make the show.

Of the other featured guests, Fik Shun turned it out, as we knew he would. The good thing about that is he seemingly continued to turn it out in every subsequent round but the group round (and really how much of that was his fault vs. how much was the fault of the dreckitude that was that choreography, but we’ll get to that) serving up fierceness in the hip hop and the jazz (I was super impressed!) and seeming to more than hold his own in contempo and not completely embarrass himself in ballroom. Well done, young man. You may be more of a Legacy than a Cedric and that’s a good thing.

Jeanine Mason was also in there tantalizing me as she montaged on by with her curly locks and her fierceness. I feel like we have yet to be given a really good eyeful of this girl and I can’t figure out why not. Maybe they are trying to do an Eliana style slow build, but apart from watching her destroy worlds in that first group number, she was hardly featured at all. And yet clearly, she’s phenomenal and stuck around long enough to make the Green Mile unlike, say, Jennifer Beals clone Jennifer Jones who was never all that to begin with. Bah.

The only other notable dancer featured during solos was Donovan Gibbs, who had been quite charming battling his studio owner dance dad during the early audition rounds but brought nothing to the stage but really unfortunate hair and Justin Bieber diaper pants (nee Hammer pants) and was swiftly sent packing. And deservedly so. Go cry into your diaper, sweetums, and bring it hard or stay home next time.

Hip Hop Round

Ugh. No one says “hype” anymore NappyTab. Not for a long, long time. Sigh. Those two make me tired. Soooo, the hip hop round happened and for the most part it was just used to show us that all these untrained street dancers, like Jade, can at least pick up choreography when said choreo is style adjacent to what they do on their own. I guess this was important in establishing some kind of reason for keeping Jade around after he kept fucking up round after round of choreo in other styles? I don’t know. As I mentioned, this did seem like more demanding than normal, harder hitting choreography from NappyTab, so there’s that.

And the round did produce one sheer delight by showcasing the mad swagger of two dancers who I wouldn’t have expected had much swag to give: Jenna Johnson and one Shan Shan Qiao Rothlisberger. What? These two were shutting it down in the best possible way. Shan Shan was shaky on some of the steps but she was giving me face and attitude and still vibing with the music even when it was clear she’d lost the steps and I was living for her. From dancing with bowls on your head to that? You go, Glen Coco. And Jenna was booty poppin’ like a pro. She should make a twerk video with all that ass. And she would continue to turn it out all night. This ballroom kid is a comer y’all. She could be another Janette with the right partner. Mini-Chbeeb, Fik Shun, and Mariah Spears (Utah krump girl) were also throwing down on this routine, but they should have done, so it was slightly less delightful)

Jazz round

Did I mention Fik Shun ate this routine’s lunch? And then drank its milkshake? Drank it up.  Amy Yakima was also there dominating your face. Like Shankdaddy, I have this girl firmly in my top 20. Gorgeous, gorgeous and legs for days. Extension out the wazoo has this one. Utah krumper and Jenna also put in work here. I’ll be shocked if all there of these ladies don’t make your girls top 10. So that’s seven spots up for grabs for these other hungry ladies to snap up and I can’t really call it other than that Malece will be there, though I continued to be spectacularly unimpressed with her in this jazz piece, so make that six spots open. Going fast, kittens. Get ‘em while they are hot. Armin was kind of a hot mess here and I could’ve understood losing him at this point, but not later after basically seeing him kill it in every other style. That’s some bullshit right there. And speaking of bullshit, Jade was tasked to do the first of what seemed like his 11 million dances for his life here, but honestly, we could’ve lost him to. The bitch can only do one style, his style, and I don’t want that on my TV screen week to week. We did lose some of my favorite dancers here, though, including Shan Shan and the Ailey boy with the unfortunate stank dance face. I hope she gets some training and comes back. And I hope he becomes a principal dancer with Ailey and rubs Nigel’s nose in it every day sending pictures and videos of himself performing at Lincoln Center and other famous venues along the way just to remind him of what he missed out on.

Ballroom

I love how much the ballroom alumni of this show stay on the grind. I think they are the most successful former contestants not named Twitch by far. All that to say, I was happy to see Dmitri and Chelsie taking a break from DwtS to choreograph this round. Jenna was fabulous here, of course, but I caught a fleeting glimpse of Blueprint from Dragon House in the montage and he looked like he was doing it to it, which I sincerely hope is true because I have a sneaking suspicion that Nigel and Co want all three animators (Blueprint, Jade and Fik Shun) to make the show this year so that they can crassly capitalize on Cyrus’ popularity. They really didn’t dwell on the ballroom round this year, which probably means that most people handled their business, so we will follow suit and keep it moving.

Group Round

Alan, Gene, Kayla, Jenna and Jeanine – AKA the super group. I didn’t find the Boston stuff all that compelling but the dance itself was beautifully choreographed and danced. I didn’t realize Gene had a brother (were they twins?) so that was a nice, if confusing, surprise. They can both shake a tail feather. Good genes (no pun intended).

Jasmine, Derek, Chritiane, Jarvis, Viktoria and Fik Shun (Facts with a Little Fik Shun) – So clearly, they blew their whole creative load on the name. The dance was a HAM. They were sloppy, never in sink, ugly, bad, ugh, wrong, eww, just go away now. As much as I enjoy Fik Shun, I probably wouldn’t have kept any of them around after that nightmare. It wasn’t so much the bad choreography as the fact that it was also really poorly executed. It’s sad when the answer to the title of this show’s question turns out to be a resounding, “No, you can’t.”

Jennifer (Jennifer Beals clone), Tucker (with yet more bad hair) Amy Yakima (the divine), Mariia (of Mariia and Misha) and Markus (whom I don’t know at all) – Oh my god. Russians. Maria was being a total whiny baby. Letting the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics down in a major way. The dance itself actually turned out rather well, all things considered. I thought Mariia looked like she was having a little meltdown during her one moment in the sun solo, but given what they were working with, strangé, kids.

Makenzie, Carlos, Carley, Sarah and Vitaly – So a whole bunch of no names we’ve barely even seen? Gee, I wonder how this will go. They were not even dancing on the same beats. I didn’t much enjoy Hannah on the panel, but just here she was giving the most perfect hot mess face. This was another send ‘em all home group for me, but since I don’t really know what the three who got saved can do, I’ll give the judges the benefit of the doubt.

Contemporary Round

Darlings, I’m tired. There is a reason why it’s a horrible idea to do all of Vegas week in just one night. Producers be trippin', yo.

This choreography was a little bit all over the place for me. I am not a fan of just having the kids free style the last 8 counts or so. That said, I found tapper Curtis charming and delightful and surprisingly supple and lithe in his extensions and his tearful breakdown post-dance was touching up to and including the Stacey Tookie embrace. Neither the Jennifer Beals clone nor Misha and Mariia were raising any hell here, so I can see why they all got sent home. Although I really will miss Moose and Squirrel. They were astonishingly good ballroom dancers. Know who I wouldn’t have missed? Jade? He’s not as charismatic as the show seems to think he is. And Blueprint was competent enough in this routine that you could smell the producer manipulated bullshit when he got asked to dance for his life in a dance off with Jade. Said dance off was all kinds of magic, but I couldn’t even enjoy it with my eyes rolled so far back into my head. If we saw more than a second of anybody else during this round, then I don’t remember it.

Beg for Your Life Round

I refuse. Sending Armin home right here was criminal, but you already knew that. They were clearly overstocked on the ballroom boys at this point anyway.

Based on who I saw left to go to the Green Mile, here’s who I’m expecting to see make the show and who amongst them gets a Real or a Really?

Girls Top 10 Predictions

Malece (Really?)

Jenna (Real)

Amy (Real)

Jeanine (Real)

Jasmine (Really? This will be pure Cyrus porn if she makes it)

Mariah (Real)

The other five spots are kind of a blur for me. I didn’t know enough about the rest of the girls to form a solid opinion. Was the tapper girl still in it? I caught a few seconds of her here and there where it looked like she might have been turning it out just a little, in which case, Nigel will not miss an occasion to get a tap kid into top 10.

Boys Top 10 Predictions

Fik Shun (Real)

Jade (Really?)

Blueprint (Really? Not that I don’t like him, it’s just – he lacks spark)

Tucker (Real)

Gene (Real. He’d have made it last time if not for all the cheese)

Curtis (Real)

And once again, for the remaining four spots, I really have no idea. Maybe Mini-Chbeeb? He seemed to be steaming through the choreo rounds quite nicely, although if he did make it and all the animators also got in, that would be 4 hip hop kids in the boys top 10. That’s more than they’ve ever had, I believe. And maybe more than the traffic can bear? I don’t know. I’d kind of like to see a season not completely dominated by contempo boys. And what about that light skinned tapper? I don’t really see how Nigel could resist.

That’s it. I’m done. I hope they never, never, ever turn Vegas Week into Vegas Two Hours ever again. And that’s 100% Real.