What can I say, noodles? The girls were better than the boys, yes. But that's damning with very faint praise indeed. Mamasox was the only one I could say that I liked. The rest either fell into the category of poor song choice, OK vocal; good song choice, crappy vocal; or just all over bad. So let’s break it down just like that and then cut some more chaff from the tiny kernels of wheat we have working.
Good Song Choice, Good Vocal
Mamasox/As Long As I See The Light/Creedence Clearwater Revival - This girl can definitely sing. She's the real deal. I don't know that I over the moon loved it, but I liked it a whole lot, which is more than enough in this, the season of suck.
Poor Song Choice, OK Vocal
Katelyn/The Scientist/Coldplay – Points for picking the only Coldplay song I love unreservedly. To bad she arranged it like this was a funeral dirge. It’s already a slow ass song. Did it really need to be any slower? I think the answer to that is self evident, isn’t it kittens? Arrangement aside, she laid down one of the best vocals of the night. Same as she did last week. This girl might be a comer.
Katie/Girl, Put Your Records On/Corinne Bailey Rae - How is this a younger song than last week? This is a VH1, lite FM staple. As Ellen noted, it's Muzak to drill teeth by. I think she may really be a 90 year old woman with some Dorian Grey stuff popping off. Darlings, what 17 year old can’t name one singer under 20 that she’s into? Again here, she sang the song just fine, I guess. The verse was a little too low. But who cares, no? I couldn’t remember what she sang by the end of the night. Down with teenagers on this show, kittens. For real.
Good Song Choice, Crappy Vocal
Siobahn/Think/Aretha Franklin – The way she screeched her way through this song was not of the lord. Kiddies, I don't know what the judges were smoking while they listened to that performance, but I heard that Cypress Hill would like a word with them to find out who their dealer is. It was bad. And that big note they were dying over? That's the sound my cat makes when I accidentally step on her tail. Ewww. Dear Siobahn, here is a little note from me to you. You're not Aretha, but I like you. Go sit in the corner and consider what you've done. Oh, and don’t wear a strapless dress with a striped t-shirt under it which looked like, from the placement of the zipper in the back, it might actually have been all one piece! Like a short sleeved, strapless, t-shirt dress. Great googly moogly. Where does one even buy such a garment? That ain’t right.
Lily/A Change Gone Come/Sam Cooke – Who wants to hear a folksy, Lilith Faire version of this song? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Exactly, noodles. She wasn't nearly as good as Crystal. The judges, except Simon, over praised. It was an OK version of a song that was done much better just last season by Adam. That’s all.
Paige/Walk Away/Kelly Clarkson – Oh, look, kiddies. It’s the last black girl in the free world rocking the colored contact lenses. She's not even fit to wear Kelly Clarkson's hand me down caftans, and certainly not to sing this song. No breath control whatsoever. And I'm not the most down black girl around, but even I found myself marveling at how whitewashed she is. My dear mother, who graced me with her presence and stopped me from putting a fist through my shiny new flat screen upon which the lovely image of Ryan Seacrest prowled in his fabulous black fitted suit finally, paused to ponder why every friend we see of hers is some goofy looking white kid. And then we mourned for a second about the colored contacts and the Barbie hair weave. We both would like for her to go home soon. Won’t you make our wish come true?
Didi “Afghan” Benami/Lean on Me/The Staples Singers - Oh, as usual, dear. These kids need some themes, stat. They cannot be trusted with free choice days. She started out way too low and overcompensated once she got up into her head voice so that it got a little screechy in spots. Darlings, it might not have been as bad as the judges said, but it wasn't good. I did feel badly for her, though, and since everyone knows I'm heartless, that probably goes double for the rest of America, so I'm guessing she's good. You know, noodles, I was kind of liking her last week, even with the afghan incident. But the lousy vocal combined with an egregiously bad use of paisley and grommets (two tastes that never taste great together) have forced me to drop her. So sad when the love dies.
All Over Bad
Haeley/The Climb/Miley Cyrus - So Judge #4 made me so mad (like that's new). I agree that this girl could've done with more seasoning before being thrust into the gaping maw of 30 million viewers a week because half the time she's delicious and half the time she couldn't find the pitch with a shovel and a flashing neon sign pointing to a half unearthed hole in the ground where the pitch resides and stating "Dig here to find pitch." But since the judges knew this, why did they put her on the show this year? Bleagh. Anyway, she was horrible. And she looked like a black Mayim Bialik circa Blossom which . . . is a look, I guess. Bored now, darlings. We’re so very, very bored.
Lacey/Kiss Me/Sixpence None the Richer – Dawson’s Creek, kiddies. She did a pale imitation of a non-song song that's all quirk and bells and whistles anyway. From Dawson’s Creek! Oh, the humanity. Never listen to Judge #4, family. That's a recipe for disaster.
Michelle/With Arms Wide Open/Creed - There's never a good reason to sing a Creed song. Trust that this is so. And this girl has such a thin, reedy voice, there's no way she could bring the kind of power necessary to plow through this cheese. I suppose the first part of the song was passable for a drunken bachelorette party. But the back half of the song was tragic. And the final glory note was absolute booty. And she was dressed like a cupcake. And the black finger only gloves? Can they even be called gloves? Just wrong on every level. Bad fashion sense aside, she’s a very pretty girl. And close almost always counts for pretty girls on this show, so she might actually survive the week thanks to shallowness.
Going Home
Even black cowgirls get the blues, noodles. We should be seeing the back end of Haeley tonight. The other boot-ee? Hell if I know. Lacey? Michelle? Paige? Katie? It could be any of them or all of them. Put together, they’re worth as much as one second tier wannabe from season’s past – some Nikki McKibbin/Syesha Mercado leftovers.
Kittens, I’m so over this season of AI. In my travels around the net, I’m seeing a lot of Stockholm Syndrome. Folks are starting to love their captors. But I refuse Fuller and Frot-Coutaz. You can’t feed me shit and make me believe it’s caviar. Your little season is sucking ass. I would suggest you start praying or investing in intensive voice lessons for fully three quarters of your contestants very, very soon.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
American Idol S9 Semi-Finals Ep4 I Do Not Want What I have Not Got
Kittens, you see before you a broken woman. Or the words typed on a computer screen of a broken woman. Or something like that. My beautiful, beautiful show is killing me softly. I am going to give this little blog of mine that old college try, but seriously, I don’t get paid for this shit, so it’s gonna be hard unless they grow a whole crop of new contestants real, real fast. AI is killing me softly.
So anyway, previously on this show, lots of stuff happened. Most of it was bad or boring or both. Now we are at top 10 week of the semi-finals and the thing that really pulled me back in, Noodles. Irritation. Inchoate rage at Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. Darlings, why were we watching men last night? I railed against FP getting a medical pass on last season’s SYTYCD, so as much as I love Mamasox, I gotta say the same thing here. Play or go home. I dislike the flipping of boys for girls. I'm sorry Crystal Bowersox is so sick. Diabetes is a terrible thing. Ptui. Let us never speak it again. The show should have absolutely let her come back in next year at the top 12. But flipping the performance order for her was a dick move for every other contestant on this show not sporting white girl dreads. That’s a true fact, family.
We could all pretend that the dramatic shift caused the boys to have less rehearsal time, and thus more stress which in turn had an impact on last night’s performances, but kiddies, don’t we know better? Didn’t they suck just as much ass last week as this? They’re just straight up bad. (Do you think if we straight up enough, Ellen and Judge #4 will give it a rest with Andrew already?) So let’s get into it. In order of appearance, since no one was actually good.
Big Mike/This Is a Man's World/James Brown – I hated this song choice. This is the most non-song song of all times. He sounded good on it, but I hated, hated, hated this choice in every way I possibly could. You shouldn't sing this unless you are X-Tina, dressed in a blindingly white suit with platinum blonde hair at the Grammys smacking it up, flipping it, and rubbing it down. That was just boringly competent (like always with this one). The judges were way, way, way over the top in their praise. It was fine for what it was . . . a second rate impersonation of a second tier JB cut.
John Park/Gravity/John Mayer – Noodles, my first thought was honestly, “Can it be worse than last week?” Well, singing John Mayer was not a great start. Do you really want to bring up the Playboy interview controversy? I don't think so. And yick, this kid was flat, always a couple of ticks under the pitch, no? Not totally off, which was even worse because you could hear the note he was supposed to be hitting except not. And he doesn't have as much soul in his voice as John Mayer. And that is saying a lot about how much soul he lacks. Kittens, this fool is pretty, but he can go any time now. It's bad when the best the judges can say is that it was way better than last week since last week was abysmal.
Cowboy Casey/I Don't Want to Be/Gavin DeGraw - I enjoy this kid. I dislike this song. Oooh. Dilemma. Initially, I thought he'd do well with it, for what it's worth. But ewww. He started out all nasally up in his nasal. And then it just got worse and worse. The chorus on this song is so tricky. It's deceptively rangy and he was way off the pitch in the low notes. This song kicked his ass. Well, that was unexpected, kittens. And the Dawg wasted his judgery trying to sound edumacated about the music industry. I agreed with Ellen that he was stiff behind that guitar. And to top it all off, Judge #4 gave some real and relevant critiques (as she would do several times throughout the night). My world, it is all asunder.
Boy Unworthy to Wear the Last Name "Lambert"/Everybody Knows/John Legend – Darlings, he still can't sing. He still believes he has a great falsetto which he demonstrably does not. Please, take your ugly mullet and your white Keds and your too tight, too shiny pants with plaid jacket and just what the fuck and go. So much hate. I don't think I could hate him any more than I do. And to think we lost the cutie rocker for this fool. And is “unique style” some kind of code for got dressed in the dark? Because I just sincerely do not get it with this fool. Judge #4 should know that I'm not rooting for this kid. At all.
Il Divo/What's Love Got to Do With It/Tina Turner -Aww, poor, misguided Divo. You really think Paula "sang" while she was dancing? You hold up Paula as an artist to emulate? Oh no, baby! No. And this kid has listened to waaayyy too much 99.8 KKBT, the Beat. Let this be a lesson, darlings. Not every song should be a run filled, R&B fiesta. But the really sad thing is that this kid does not have a bad voice. In fact, he has a very good voice. Why he feels the need to cram every single vocal trick into a song is anyone’s guess. Noodles, it was so bad that this fool made me agree with the Dawg. When is the last time that happened? Exactly. How I wish he’d just get up and sing a song straight. Wait. Scratch that, kiddies. Simon's right. Il Divo needs to go back to back up dancing for ‘Tasia on Broadway because he's wrong for this show on every level.
Jermaine Sellers/What's Going On/Marvin Gaye - OK, you want to sound current so you pick a 70's soul protest song? And then you sing it flat and under the pitch? Hmmm. Let me see. Young, current, hip, radio ready? Hell to the naw. And the voice is nails on a chalk board, darlings. He never found the notes. And way too many vocal gymnastics. Again. Some more. And he gave Judge #4 the chance to say something else relevant. What the hell? Kittens, I fear this kid just doesn't get it. Here are a few home truths for him. Truth #1: God is in the tub. Truth #2: Church singers can actually blow. You can't. Despite what your podunk, corner church might have told you. Truth #3: Every black church has that kid who grew up in the choir and had a lovely instrument before puberty hit and the voice changed and now he has some of the tools and tricks he learned from the choir director and he can kind of sing and the old ladies cluck cluck over him, "Baaabbbyy. You just have such a beautiful voice. Beautiful. Gawd has touched you, for sure." Don't believe it. That is true only within the confines of said podunk corner church. The more you know, kiddies.
Andrew Garcia/You Give Me Something/James Morrison - Oh my heavens. Kiddies, I didn't think I could love this little cholo kid any more than I do, but now that I know he can bust a move? I love him even more! Maybe after this show, he can go join Heavy Impact from ABDC. That would be awesome. Kittens, this cholo ex-banger is magic. He must lose the Michael Johns-ian scarf, though. That is a no-no. And truth? Kid can blow. The first part of the song was hot. He kind of fell apart on the chorus, there. Got off the note and he never really found it again. The back half of that song was a hot mess. And still, like Ellen, I love this kid. He's one of the few with natural charisma and star power.
D'Archie 2.0/My Girl/The Temptations - OK, why would you do a Temptations song before Motown Week? It's a guaranteed cheese fest. And he did the vibrato filled, country fried version? Sigh. Well, he was on pitch, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of tonight's contestants. So there's that, right? Sigh. But now what's he gonna do during Motown Week? (Cause, darlings, this kid is so making top 12) Simon was once again the only one telling the truth. Dewdrop was corny last night, but he's got a decent voice and he could be better than he is.
Crappy Replacement Boy/Come On Get Higher/Matt Nathanson – Another VH1 easy listening slow jam. Another quasi-mullet, bowl cut dude. White boys of America, what the fuck on the haircuts? Was there a fire sale on Flowbees and James Blunt sheet music somewhere? This kid is the most milquetoast, bland kid I've ever seen. Does anything about him say star? Does anything about him even say high school talent show contest winner? Rachel and Kurt on Glee would gut this chump like a fish and feast on his liver. Good grief. Darlings, he's a non-entity.
Lee Dewyze/Lips of an Angel/Hinder - Take off that hat, Mr. Nice Guy. Immediately. Or I can no longer kind of, sort of, just a teensy bit be starting to like you. He seems genuine and like he might have a lick of talent. But the song choice. Oh, noodles, the song choice. What happened? Nickelback couldn't clear? I hate this frikkin' song. And kiddies why was he under the pitch? Again! Was there something going on with the audio in the studio? Because almost every single contestant last night was under. And let me just state for the record, not being on pitch does, in fact, matter, AI judges. It matters a lot in a singing competition to be on pitch.
Going Home
Who knows, kittens? Who cares? They could all go except Andrew, Cowboy Casey and Lee, who’s sliding in on potential more than anything else. I’ll lay odds that at least one of the two black boys sticks around. Which one? Does it matter? The other one will go. And I’ll lay odds that at least one of the two mulleted white boys will stick around. Which one? Does it matter? The other one will go. John Park might also slide in as the other boot-ee. (He’s thisclose to rocking a mullet his damn self, so should he be gone, I’ll count that in my “win” column)
I’ll let the words of Sinead be my guide. I have to forget about last season. I have to forget that there were the highest highs (the Honeydip and Manic Panic and my Glitterbomb Boy/Girl Alien Sex God) and the lowest lows (Tattoo Sleeve and Frikkin’ Gokey). I must leave them to the past in order for my love for the show that bore them to survive. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, darlings, but I'll try to soldier on. Cue the world's tiniest violin.
So anyway, previously on this show, lots of stuff happened. Most of it was bad or boring or both. Now we are at top 10 week of the semi-finals and the thing that really pulled me back in, Noodles. Irritation. Inchoate rage at Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. Darlings, why were we watching men last night? I railed against FP getting a medical pass on last season’s SYTYCD, so as much as I love Mamasox, I gotta say the same thing here. Play or go home. I dislike the flipping of boys for girls. I'm sorry Crystal Bowersox is so sick. Diabetes is a terrible thing. Ptui. Let us never speak it again. The show should have absolutely let her come back in next year at the top 12. But flipping the performance order for her was a dick move for every other contestant on this show not sporting white girl dreads. That’s a true fact, family.
We could all pretend that the dramatic shift caused the boys to have less rehearsal time, and thus more stress which in turn had an impact on last night’s performances, but kiddies, don’t we know better? Didn’t they suck just as much ass last week as this? They’re just straight up bad. (Do you think if we straight up enough, Ellen and Judge #4 will give it a rest with Andrew already?) So let’s get into it. In order of appearance, since no one was actually good.
Big Mike/This Is a Man's World/James Brown – I hated this song choice. This is the most non-song song of all times. He sounded good on it, but I hated, hated, hated this choice in every way I possibly could. You shouldn't sing this unless you are X-Tina, dressed in a blindingly white suit with platinum blonde hair at the Grammys smacking it up, flipping it, and rubbing it down. That was just boringly competent (like always with this one). The judges were way, way, way over the top in their praise. It was fine for what it was . . . a second rate impersonation of a second tier JB cut.
John Park/Gravity/John Mayer – Noodles, my first thought was honestly, “Can it be worse than last week?” Well, singing John Mayer was not a great start. Do you really want to bring up the Playboy interview controversy? I don't think so. And yick, this kid was flat, always a couple of ticks under the pitch, no? Not totally off, which was even worse because you could hear the note he was supposed to be hitting except not. And he doesn't have as much soul in his voice as John Mayer. And that is saying a lot about how much soul he lacks. Kittens, this fool is pretty, but he can go any time now. It's bad when the best the judges can say is that it was way better than last week since last week was abysmal.
Cowboy Casey/I Don't Want to Be/Gavin DeGraw - I enjoy this kid. I dislike this song. Oooh. Dilemma. Initially, I thought he'd do well with it, for what it's worth. But ewww. He started out all nasally up in his nasal. And then it just got worse and worse. The chorus on this song is so tricky. It's deceptively rangy and he was way off the pitch in the low notes. This song kicked his ass. Well, that was unexpected, kittens. And the Dawg wasted his judgery trying to sound edumacated about the music industry. I agreed with Ellen that he was stiff behind that guitar. And to top it all off, Judge #4 gave some real and relevant critiques (as she would do several times throughout the night). My world, it is all asunder.
Boy Unworthy to Wear the Last Name "Lambert"/Everybody Knows/John Legend – Darlings, he still can't sing. He still believes he has a great falsetto which he demonstrably does not. Please, take your ugly mullet and your white Keds and your too tight, too shiny pants with plaid jacket and just what the fuck and go. So much hate. I don't think I could hate him any more than I do. And to think we lost the cutie rocker for this fool. And is “unique style” some kind of code for got dressed in the dark? Because I just sincerely do not get it with this fool. Judge #4 should know that I'm not rooting for this kid. At all.
Il Divo/What's Love Got to Do With It/Tina Turner -Aww, poor, misguided Divo. You really think Paula "sang" while she was dancing? You hold up Paula as an artist to emulate? Oh no, baby! No. And this kid has listened to waaayyy too much 99.8 KKBT, the Beat. Let this be a lesson, darlings. Not every song should be a run filled, R&B fiesta. But the really sad thing is that this kid does not have a bad voice. In fact, he has a very good voice. Why he feels the need to cram every single vocal trick into a song is anyone’s guess. Noodles, it was so bad that this fool made me agree with the Dawg. When is the last time that happened? Exactly. How I wish he’d just get up and sing a song straight. Wait. Scratch that, kiddies. Simon's right. Il Divo needs to go back to back up dancing for ‘Tasia on Broadway because he's wrong for this show on every level.
Jermaine Sellers/What's Going On/Marvin Gaye - OK, you want to sound current so you pick a 70's soul protest song? And then you sing it flat and under the pitch? Hmmm. Let me see. Young, current, hip, radio ready? Hell to the naw. And the voice is nails on a chalk board, darlings. He never found the notes. And way too many vocal gymnastics. Again. Some more. And he gave Judge #4 the chance to say something else relevant. What the hell? Kittens, I fear this kid just doesn't get it. Here are a few home truths for him. Truth #1: God is in the tub. Truth #2: Church singers can actually blow. You can't. Despite what your podunk, corner church might have told you. Truth #3: Every black church has that kid who grew up in the choir and had a lovely instrument before puberty hit and the voice changed and now he has some of the tools and tricks he learned from the choir director and he can kind of sing and the old ladies cluck cluck over him, "Baaabbbyy. You just have such a beautiful voice. Beautiful. Gawd has touched you, for sure." Don't believe it. That is true only within the confines of said podunk corner church. The more you know, kiddies.
Andrew Garcia/You Give Me Something/James Morrison - Oh my heavens. Kiddies, I didn't think I could love this little cholo kid any more than I do, but now that I know he can bust a move? I love him even more! Maybe after this show, he can go join Heavy Impact from ABDC. That would be awesome. Kittens, this cholo ex-banger is magic. He must lose the Michael Johns-ian scarf, though. That is a no-no. And truth? Kid can blow. The first part of the song was hot. He kind of fell apart on the chorus, there. Got off the note and he never really found it again. The back half of that song was a hot mess. And still, like Ellen, I love this kid. He's one of the few with natural charisma and star power.
D'Archie 2.0/My Girl/The Temptations - OK, why would you do a Temptations song before Motown Week? It's a guaranteed cheese fest. And he did the vibrato filled, country fried version? Sigh. Well, he was on pitch, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of tonight's contestants. So there's that, right? Sigh. But now what's he gonna do during Motown Week? (Cause, darlings, this kid is so making top 12) Simon was once again the only one telling the truth. Dewdrop was corny last night, but he's got a decent voice and he could be better than he is.
Crappy Replacement Boy/Come On Get Higher/Matt Nathanson – Another VH1 easy listening slow jam. Another quasi-mullet, bowl cut dude. White boys of America, what the fuck on the haircuts? Was there a fire sale on Flowbees and James Blunt sheet music somewhere? This kid is the most milquetoast, bland kid I've ever seen. Does anything about him say star? Does anything about him even say high school talent show contest winner? Rachel and Kurt on Glee would gut this chump like a fish and feast on his liver. Good grief. Darlings, he's a non-entity.
Lee Dewyze/Lips of an Angel/Hinder - Take off that hat, Mr. Nice Guy. Immediately. Or I can no longer kind of, sort of, just a teensy bit be starting to like you. He seems genuine and like he might have a lick of talent. But the song choice. Oh, noodles, the song choice. What happened? Nickelback couldn't clear? I hate this frikkin' song. And kiddies why was he under the pitch? Again! Was there something going on with the audio in the studio? Because almost every single contestant last night was under. And let me just state for the record, not being on pitch does, in fact, matter, AI judges. It matters a lot in a singing competition to be on pitch.
Going Home
Who knows, kittens? Who cares? They could all go except Andrew, Cowboy Casey and Lee, who’s sliding in on potential more than anything else. I’ll lay odds that at least one of the two black boys sticks around. Which one? Does it matter? The other one will go. And I’ll lay odds that at least one of the two mulleted white boys will stick around. Which one? Does it matter? The other one will go. John Park might also slide in as the other boot-ee. (He’s thisclose to rocking a mullet his damn self, so should he be gone, I’ll count that in my “win” column)
I’ll let the words of Sinead be my guide. I have to forget about last season. I have to forget that there were the highest highs (the Honeydip and Manic Panic and my Glitterbomb Boy/Girl Alien Sex God) and the lowest lows (Tattoo Sleeve and Frikkin’ Gokey). I must leave them to the past in order for my love for the show that bore them to survive. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, darlings, but I'll try to soldier on. Cue the world's tiniest violin.
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