SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep4 Peace Up, A-Town Down

Pretty sneaky, SYTYCD. Darlings, if not for a fortuitously placed electronic billboard on my way to work today, I would've missed Cat Deeley, looking lovely with her stick straight, Marcia Brady hair and flawlessly performing the stanky leg, shepherding our intrepid Nigel and increasingly crazily bewigged Mary Murphy through the dirty south. With a subdued Lil C in tow. Forgive a tired blogger for being caught all unawares. But we must press on, no? Let's get down to brass tacks because the ATL, though amusing, didn't serve up any real gems, noodles. I don't think there was a top 10er in the bunch.

Bring 'em out, bring em out - Day One

Billy Bell - Such a cutie. I want to hook him up with Curt from Glee and form the uber-teen gay power couple. And a gorgeous dancer to boot, kittens. Turn out for days. A glorious, deep plie. And for the first time with a male dancer on this show, I am swooning over the feet. The feet are killing me! I see Nigel's point about the sway back, but seriously, was there ever a doubt that this kid was going straight through to Vegas. This kid's got a shot to do well in Vegas.

Amber Jackson - Look, here's another cutie! Atlanta certainly represented with the beautiful black dancers, kiddies. And I heartily approve. This girl was lovely with great control. I really didn't see the lack of performance quality the judges noted, although I did see the unfortunate almost mushroom 'do she was sporting. With the puffy roots? Oh, no, no, no. I know they have good hairdresser down on Peach Street who can keep the press tight. Hie thee hence, immediately.

Travis Dennison - Oh, great googly moogly! This is what happens when you watch too much UDA Dance Champoinships, noodles. Please take heed. And I'll be darned if he didn't look exactly like a coked up, Bizarro world Shankdaddy. Darlings, if we must have bad auditions, may they all be as enjoyable as this one. Oh, Wade. The show clearly hates you now.

Jamal Jackson and Victor Smalley - Forget about it. Both of these kids are sublime. Mia is going to love them more than her bleach bottle. Lots of tough contempo competition this year, though. I think Victor has a slight advantage. He's more dynamic and he pops onscreen. Good hair, too.

Antony and Antoine Hart - Oh, the twins. Yay, twins! I remember them from S4. The judges were right. They've grown a lot. The routine was cute, if not overly complicated, and Antony is still better than his brother. I agreed with sending them to do choreo, with good reason, as it turned out. Antoine is not a strong enough dancer for this show. Anthony showed that he's certainly stepped it up. I'm still not sure that there is enough there to get through Vegas, but I'm glad he's making it back.

The opposite of moderate, immaculately polished - Day Two

Matthew "Boogie Links" Pollard - He was not a half bad dancer in his style, and while at first I was put off by his bravado, I realized that it was swagger deployed to cover up for the low self-esteem of the busted. Because on the real, his face was not aesthetically pleasing, y'all. It saddens me to have to call that out since a) he seemed so humble and willing and eager to learn after not making it through the choreo and b) he shows serious signs of being color struck and can't we move on from that in the '09, black men? But the truth must be told. He may break bones, but he'll never break hearts. Oh, and he'll never make it on this show, but you knew that, right kittens?

Jessica Jensen - Dammit. Do I have to go through this every season on every show? Listen up, all you handicapable people considering trying out for AI/SYTYCD/any other talent based reality show not named America's Got Talent. You will never be a professional . . . anything. Producers will not work with you. Directors will not hire you. Shows will not cast you. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles are the exceptions that prove this rule. And that rule is double true for dancers. The god damned nubby arm girl had no balance, couldn't hold her center. And of course not! Cause she only has one hand. Fuck. I don't know whether she could've been good enough to be a professional dancer had she not gotten ill, but I do know that she'll never be one now. Poor girl, poor partner. The judges were wrong for that. They were never going to put her through and they should've said so, not fed her delusion by putting her through to choreo and encouraging her to come back and try out again. Jessica, let me tell you the real. Don't come back again. Keep dancing for you since you seem to enjoy it, but you are not going to be a professional dancer. Accept that. You'll thank me later.

Why the show always have to make me be a bitch, noodles?

Jonathan Bryant - Was an exhausting drama factory just in the clips, darlings. You can tell that there is some good raw material there, but ewww. There is not enough no in the world. Stank attitude + smart mouth + cry on demand spoiled child complex = Go far, far away.

Thomas "Crack Baby" Hamilton - Kittens, I still remember the Crack Baby from AI and she was one of my favorite things ever. Primarily because she didn't whine about it or let the show turn her life into a sob story for mass consumption. And yeah, she didn't even make it out of Hollywood Week, and neither will this kid make it out of Vegas week. He's a good dancer with solid technique, but that's not enough to cut it . . . unless he gets a boost from his sob story, which is wrong and makes me have tons less respect for him. Praise dancing? As your audition solo? Really? Taking us to your sick aunt's hospital bed? And to the old crack denny home? Yuck. As Lady GaGa commands, Just Dance. It'll be OK.

All done. Quick and dirty just how you like it.

Deep breath, kiddies. Tomorrow we're off to the Big Easy and some cat daddy is going to break out the wop! Bring it, N'awlins.

SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep 3 Wicked Game

Kittens, when did this show turn into So You Think You Can Be Annoying? Did I miss the memo? Despite the lovely and adorable Cat Deeley being even lovelier and adorabler than usual (if such thing is even possible), the show found a way to work my every last nerve last night, starting off with having Tasty Oreo front and center on my judges panel. Noodles, you know I love this show more than many of my pairs of shoes, but I just can’t if they are now deciding that spending five minutes showing reaction shots to Tasty breaking wind counts as entertainment. And while Unca Nigel and Co. do better than Idol at keeping the bad contestant shenanigans to an acceptable minimum, did we really need to spend that much time with Grampy Smurf? If I wanted to watch delusional old people and farting, I’d switch over to Dancing with the Stars and catch Tom Delay. I watch SYTYCD to see good dancing and relevant critiques of same. Don’t make me hurt you, show, is what I’m trying to say.

But there was good along with the trying last night, no? I have hope for this season’s contestants. I’m especially encouraged by all the hip hop talent that’s been coming across the stage. After a couple of seasons of death by NappyTab and a severely underwhelming outing for ABDC this summer, it would be fabulous to enjoy hip hop on TV again. Let’s peruse the contenders and the confounders from our time in Beantown, shall we?

The Contenders

Cat Deeley – Always. I continue to be charmed by her crazy mad fashion. Such a lovely peach blouse paired with . . . a gold plated, Mr. T medallion. And then she got down on the ground in her 7 for All Mankind jeans and busted some crazy B-Boy pose. And then she tried out her best Boston Brahmin accent. And then, there she was giving the side eye to Gene, the wannabe sex machine. Fascinating creature. Don’t ever change!

Jean Loretz – Kiddies, rocking those Sean Paul braids, this dude had me from the jump. Y’all know my mysterious weakness for Sean Paul. And I’ll admit, I had a moment’s trepidation when he started out with the modified salsa steps. But once he started in on the B-Boy moves? This kid is insane. I don’t know how the round the world thing he did is even physically possible. He’s hype. No doubt. I was surprised that they passed him straight through to Vegas, given what happened to the rest of the hip hop dancers, but I will be happy to see him again because he is fine and he can dance his ass off in his style. Hope he can do other things as well.

Kimara Wood – We saw about two seconds of him and it was glorious, wasn’t it? In addition to displaying some impressive jumps and seemingly lovely technique, this kid is easy on the eyes. Heavenly.

Channing Cook – Noodles, marvel at all the learning and growing that I am doing. Last season, Kayla taught me the error of writing off the perky blonde girls as hair flinging nightmares. So when Channing came on my screen, I actually thought, “Cute. I hope her dancing lives up to her perky personality.” I know! Crazy. But then the best thing ever happened. She turned out to be a lovely, strong dancer. Great lines. Good control. She definitely lacks polish and I see why they sent her to choreography. I think she may be too immature as a dancer to make it all the way through Vegas this year, but she was more than pleasant to watch, and I’ll be interested to see her in the coming rounds.

Russell Ferguson – Is OMG amazing. My word, darlings! I must agree with Nigel that he is by far the best krumper they have ever had on the show. If they were going to pass a street dancer straight through to Vegas, why on earth wasn’t it him? Any dancer with the level of body control that this kid displayed in his routine will be able to pick up other styles. Trust that this is so. And he has charisma for days and a smile that lights up a room. If he can hold on to all that swagger through the demands of Vegas, I can see him in the Top 20 for sure.

The Confounders

Ryan Casey – Awkward on the top, party on the bottom. Once this kid learns what to do with his arms and his upper body, he will be a monster. He could be the next Tommy Tune (which I was expecting Tasty to point out since he’s the Broadway guy – oh, wait, Tommy Tune never did Chicago. Never mind). 6’8” is a lot of body, as Ryan himself pointed out. And 18 is very young. This kid has a ton of up side. That said, he won’t ever really be right for this show, darlings. Who would you partner him with?

Fabio “Breeze” Jenkins – He repped hard for the fatty dancers. He really moved well and I enjoyed his popping and agreed with the judges for putting him through to the choreo. It was a shame that his injury kept him from finishing it. I do think he needs more training, but he impressed. Is he right for the show? Maybe not, but I enjoyed him.

Karen and Matthew – Well, they are very pretty. And that counts for a lot, noodles, as you well know. And Karen is a bona fide sex bomb. But . . . well . . . they weren’t exactly burning up the dance floor. After the force of nature that was Janette, the bar’s been set insanely high for salsa dancers on this show. And they were lacking. They were clean, but the hip action wasn’t quite all the way there. The feet could’ve been sharper. The turns lacked a little snap. She has tons of charisma and is a performer’s performer and he has solid partnering skills. I’m unsure how they’ll fare in Vegas. She may get in under the Susy and Asuka Memorial Sexy Girl clause, but I really don’t see Matthew getting even a whiff of top 20. Hope they meant it about being OK with one of them making it further than the other one.

Mary and Nigel – They were better last night than they’ve been in a minute. Mary managed to skirt the edges of that slutty cougar look she rooks so viciously. And Good Nigel came out to play and brought the relevant critiques with him. He even managed to keep most of his sleaze in check. I think it was a reaction to how hideous Tasty was being. They were trying to balance the force or some shit.

Kevin Hunt – Tasty’s a bitch, but he was right about this kid. That was a lazy audition. Clearly, the kid can dance, but this was yet another case of good but not great. And if he can do contemporary, where that at? If you don’t come to show and prove in your one shot to make it to Vegas, then why are we wasting time with you? I’m on the fence on this one, noodles. On the one hand, he’s a beautiful chocolate specimen. On the other hand, his swag is out of all proportion to his ability. Lotta mouth and not much to back it up with. On the other, other hand, he was humble and took the critiques well from the judges and he clearly recognized his mistake. On the other, other, other hand, do we really need another sub-par hip hopper after a parade of Tonys and Cedrics and Alans stretching back through the years? Hasn’t hip hop on this show suffered enough? I don’t think this kid can bring it like it should be broughten in Vegas, but people shock the hell out of me on a daily basis, so who knows?

Gene Burdison(?) – Oh, baby. No. How tragic for this kid. When Cat Deeley, the sweetest woman in the world, the woman who will let sweaty contestants funk up her Prada and put someone’s gummy, spit soaked grillz in her mouth, can’t stand your ass and lets it show all over her face? Something is horribly, horribly wrong with you. And you know the worst thing about this fake ass faker, kittens? He’s really good. Take away the Jim Carey faces, and he was all kinds of spectacular. And also a teensy bit sexy for real. I sincerely hope he can ratchet it down, because I’d love to have another sexy latin ballroom specialist on the show. But not this one if he keeps bringing the ridiculous lothario shtick.

Sigh. I’ve been trying to put it off, noodles. But the time has come. We must, must deal with Teddy and his plaid pants. Mama’s tired already, y’all. Let me tell you what I can’t take about this kid:

Teddy Tedholme(?) – First of all, ain’t no grown ass man I know who goes by Teddy in his day-to-day life unless his name is Teddy Pendergrass and he sings panty dropping love music. And this kid hasn’t ever had a whiff of the panties, so the egregious use of the Teddy is flat out wrong. Second of all, whimsy ≠ bow tie. Bow tie = Chris Brown, Woman Beater and/or Orville Redenbacher, Popcorn Pimp. All of all, you and your whole plaid pants, quirky thing are played out. Please go away now. That said, I will concede, kiddies, that the boy can move it. He’s crazy musical and has a quality of movement which I enjoyed even though the whole piece felt way too frantic. He’s obviously well trained and talented, which makes it even worse that he seems like such a complete tool. What an attention hogging, energy creature! Such a waste, y’all. Oh, also, Travis Wall, Jeanine and Jason made that Mraz song their bitch last year, so please stop biting.

And we’re done. I know I’m looking forward to Atlanta where Lil C will continue his assault on English grammar, kittens. What about you?

SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep1 Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

Cat is wearing her formal toga tonight made with the good satin bed sheets, so you know shit is about to get real, darlings! Let’s get excited.

I was worried. After a brief late summer of apathy over ABDC, I wondered if I’d be up for the return of our beloved show for its sixth season. Noodles, I couldn’t even get motivated to write about last week’s Top 15 SYTYCDances of all time according to Nigel “I’m so awesome my show cures cancer!” Lythgoe and that with my outrage at no Blake from S1. Jigga what? Maybe my snark was all used up?

And then tonight, bam, Mary comes out dressed like the greeter at the Happy Hooker Retirement Village and oh, look! There it is! But there really wasn’t too much to snark about tonight, was there, kiddies? Lots of good talent on display. Nigel was on his best behavior, letting Shankdaddy do homophobia duty. (What? Gay on gay homophobia is still homophobia. You can’t fool me show) Anya and Pasha were choreographing for the lucky losers’ round. There was less Kasprzak pimping than I feared and fewer joke auditions in this lean, one hour season kick off. Care to join me in the shallow end of the dance pool? The water’s fine.

Day One

Cole – And just like that, we get to the laughable exception that proves the rule. Obviously, this idiot just wanted to get on TV. Which he did. Watching the judges openly mock this fool was mildly amusing, especially because he was so clearly in on the joke. Hell, he was the joke, no? But honestly, I could’ve seen more than a second of Daniel the ballet boy in lieu of this crap. Next.

Molly Gray – Pretty little girl. Very HSM. But darlings, in her intro clip, was she wearing a powder blue, off the shoulder, ruffled romper? Oh, Utah. Really? She had some really lovely moments in that audition. There was one particularly nice triple turn. But Nigel was on the money here. She lacks any depth to her dancing. Mary was right, too. She’s an immature dancer. But there is good raw material there. She could grow and she’s quite likeable, so she could go far if she actually winds up making top 20.

Montage ‘o Pretty Dancers, Part 1 – Two of these, I loved, noodles, and one appeared to be a hair flinging nightmare. Shall I let you guess who’s who? David H., Amanda Kirby, Brandon Dumlao. Give up yet? Sigh. Amanda Kirby, you may have some decent technique hiding under those competition tics and all that hair flinging, but I honestly couldn’t tell. David H. was gorgeous. I would like some more of that. Brandon showed some interesting movement from the three seconds or so we saw. I’ll be excited to see two of these three again.

Kittens, here’s where I confess that I don’t want to see either Ryan K. or Bianca on the show this year, and it’s not because I think either of them is a bad dancer. Let’s be real. That tap battle was ridiculous. It was, as Shankdaddy noted, the most fun audition of the night by a country mile. And while I didn’t like Ryan’s solo audition (Side note: I didn’t like it when Will did a semi-spoken word piece for his audition either. This is not So You Think You Can Be a Performance Artist), the boy can tap his behind off. And if memory serves and history teaches, he is a more versatile dancer than was his brother. That said, Ryan’s tenure on the show, should he make it, will just be an opportunity to re-fight the Evan wars, much as Lacey’s time on the show was Love It or Hate It: Benji Wars II, despite the fact that Lacey was a 100% better dancer than her brother. Just let Ryan choreograph already. He will turn it out. Now Bianca. Bianca, Bianca, Bianca. She thinks her shit doesn’t stink, kiddies. She oozes entitlement. Her call out of Ryan was too cute by half, and clearly they knew they were going to do it from the jump. And I still have a bad taste in my mouth from her exit from the show last season. The bitch has ugly ways, and that will tell over the course of a long season. She’s a great dancer, very talented, but she will not be America’s favorite dancer. Trust that this is so. Given that, I’d rather have someone new.

Delusional Small Asian Man – God love the gays. Christopher Aguilar, you are fabulous. I have no doubt that your entire life is a starring role in the Flower Drum Song in your mind. Normally, I deplore joke auditions, but I must, must love you as much as the judges did. Shankdaddy was so cute with him. They love musicals and dancing in a very similar way, I suspect, only Shankman is actually talented and Christopher here, well, check the lead in. Still, he was fun.

Day Two

Mary’s day two dress was much better. And is it just me, or is the weave a little less “LOOK AT ME” this season, kiddies? I miss the kankelon.

Amber Williams – I am sensing a theme for this season and I don’t like it. I don’t care about Brokeback Mama. She’s in a wheelchair and it’s hard and you had to stop dancing for a minute and let me wipe away the tears with my plastic hand, OK? Can you dance? Just show and prove. Show and prove. I will not be pleased if these sob stories continue apace. Oh, the girl, you say? The girl’s fine, I guess. Lovely turn with the drop to the floor, as Mary pointed out. And she was nicely light on her feet, not a heavy dancer. She just lacks oomph. Eh. I don’t quibble with the pass to Vegas, but I’d be surprised to see her among the top 10 girls.

Montage o’ Pretty Dancers, Part 2 – This one hit it out of the park, noodles. Alexie is a dynamo. I definitely will have my eye out for her. Very interesting movement vocabulary. And Paula van Oppen. Ye, gods! I will dream of Paula and her pretty yellow dress. That girl is a force. So grounded, really dancing down into the floor and yet her dancing had a light, effortless quality. Oh, this one is a find, kittens. Paula van Oppen. She is one to watch.

Christina Santana – Sexy girl. Spins like a top. Her body is en fuego. Nigel wants to do her. Therefore, she’s in. I guess it doesn’t matter that the hip hop flavor was insanely wrong. Wrong on every level. And that she’s not all that great as a salsa dancer. She had to come to a complete stop between some of her moves. No flow. Eh. We need our redshirts for Vegas, I guess.

Phillip Attamore – Now this is what I’m talking about. If we must have a tapper, let it be this one. This kid was dynamite. Such a smooth style. And he wasn’t aping other tappers; he was drawing on tap traditions to make something uniquely his own. Oh also, hot as hell, noodles. Yum.

Is that all? Awww. I want to see that screaming black kid right now. He looks like fun. Until next week, kittens. We’re off to a smashing start.

AI S8 Extra Sexyback

Darlings, the S8 AI-lettes are out there killing it. No doubt. For a glimpse of the sexiest South Asian geeky boy of all time, please click the link and observe the lovely and talented Anoop Desai.

The Hotness

I am loving the new haircut and the five o'clock shadow. The eyebrows are just on the edge of getting away from him, but still manageable. And did he just say he's moving to LA. What?

Anoop, if you need a saavy, slightly (well, lot-ly, but whatever, noodles) older woman to show you around and maybe make you her pretty boytoy, call me. I am totally down.

And OK, ABDC. I promise, kittens, I will write something about it soon. It's just so hard, though, when actual intersting stuff is going on with other shows that I love. But I need to do it. And I will do it. If only to get back to fighting trim for ABDC. September 9th. Bring it!

AI S8 Extra Shiny!!!

Kittens, I know I've been missing in action. I promised blogging about all things ABDC, but honestly, I've been paralyzed with all the not caring. Shane said a mouth full when he told some sad little crew that they hadn't done anything to "Wow" him yet this season. Take that truism and apply liberally to the whole show, no? "Bored now" would be an understatement. And so, I've been cocooning trying not to tear my hair out and rend my garments over the loss of Paula as a judge on AI.

And seriously, Simon Fuller, how could you? You can bring on all the Posh Spice's and Jonas Brothers that you like, but they will never bring 1/1,00,000,000,000 of the fabulous crazy that Paula can bring. And don't even get me started on Judge #4 because that way lies madness. And oh my goodness, I feel my blood pressure going haywire out of control even as I type. Deep, cleansing breaths, kiddies.

So why am I writing about, of all things, AI today? Noodles, it's the Lambert that calls me back. But of course. Our little alien, boy/girl, candy coated, sex god is turning it out. Have you seen the Social Life photos? Observe. Marvel.

I mean honestly, could he be any more scrumptious? Well, yes. Actually, he could. Feast your eyes!

The bitch is fierce, kittens! How could he not win AI? Lambert and Brandon both go down to ignominious defeat this year? Really, America?

Bitches.

What will take the bitterness away, darlings? Oh, I know!

There. All better.

(Side Note: And now that I've finally learned how to get photos into these here missives, it's on like Donkey Kong, kittens! I know, I know. Mama's slow sometimes)

SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep18 Goodbye Is All We Have

I’m fashionably late, kittens. Do forgive. I’ve been struggling with how to talk about the finale since it aired last Thursday because, really, what is there to say? A perfectly serviceable end to a workmanlike season, no? When the most exciting part of the finale is wondering whether Cat’s going to suffer a nip slip from her silken bath towel ensemble, then I think one can safely say that this season’s final episode lacked a little oomph. Darlings, I detest the move to the Kodak. The drunk camera monkeys cannot figure out how to effectively film the routines in this larger venue. The kids got swallowed up by the huge stage and the judges and Cat mugged endlessly and played to the rafters rather than to the sofa set. If they insist on going back next year, they should definitely make the move earlier, say at top 10, to give the kids and the camera monkeys time to get used to being on the big stage.

So anyway, there was a show, right? Shankdaddy, Ms. Debbie Allen and her out of control weave, Mia, Lil C and Tasty all joined Unca Nigel and Mary on the judges panel, so we’ll take the performances in bunches by judge. That’s the easiest. Yes, I think so. Oh, and Jeanine is your favorite dancer but Janette ruled the roost. Really. How could you, America? Bitches.

Shankman’s Selections

Chbeeb and Jeanine/Hip Hop (Mad) Week One/Top 20 – Oh, Shankdaddy. How you let me down on this one. NappyTab? Really? And this NappyTab? Not the one with the chains that was actually the better Chbeeb/Jeanine NappyTab if you just had to have one? Well, noodles, I didn’t get this choice at all. Jeanine and the Chbeeb came out and danced it reasonably well, I suppose. But it’s a crap number and one of the more forgettable of the season, so I was underwhelmed.

Randi and Evan/Contemporary (Koop Island Blues) Week Three/Top 16– But he redeemed himself a little bit here with the booty dance. This was great fun the first time and great fun again on finale night. Randi had a few little bobbles and balance breaks, but on the whole, it was nice to remember a time when I didn’t find Evan horribly outclassed on this show. When Mia is on, she’s really on. And it was surprisingly nice to see Fat Face again. She’s a good little dancer. I hope her exposure on the show leads to some work because she’s quite versatile and just an enjoyable presence up on that stage and who would’ve thought I’d ever say that about Fat Face and her unitard clad self at the beginning of this season? Live and learn, kiddies. Live and learn.

Ms. Debbie Allen’s Alternatives

Asuka and Vitolio/Waltz (Dreams Are More Precious) Week Two/Top 18– Hell if I know, kittens. The judges just served up some head scratchers. This was not a particularly memorable routine. Nor were this pair fan favorites. Both out before top 10 and with good reason on both Asuka (bitchface and not that versatile) and Vitolio’s (not as good as other contemporary boys) parts. I suppose they danced it just fine, as they had done the first time. But as we would see through the fifty million other pieces from his ouvre that got chosen, Louis did far better pieces this season. Yeah, I got nothing.

Top 16 Group Routine/Salsa-Hip Hop (I Know You Want Me/Calle Ocho) Week Three– And just like Shankman, Ms. Debbie Allen managed to redeem herself with this choice, not least because she finally, finally gave us the Fame quote! (Side note: I will not let Kherington ruin Fame for me. I will not let Kherington ruin Fame for me. I will not let Kherington ruin Fame for me.) Dmitry is a superstar who hasn’t taken a choreographic misstep on this show and he makes even NappyTab crazy sexy. That’s what’s up. Throw some water on it, honey! Indeed, Ms. Debbie Allen. Indeed. Janette shined like the sun in this number. Criminal, America. Criminal. Bitches.

Mia’s Matches

Max and Kayla/Samba (Jum Bah Day) Week One/Top 20– Why was the show jocking Louis so hard? As we’ve discussed, darlings, Louis was a great addition to their stable of choreographers, but really? Four routines worth of Louis? And what was up with almost all of the judges pick dances coming from the front half of the season? Only three dances came from top 10 week or higher, and two of those were from Mary. Really, what does that say about the quality of the back half of the show? Nothing from Wade. Nothing from Laurie Ann. Nothing from Mandy. Nothing from the new girls – Stacey Tookie or Joey Dowling. Each of them had at least an arguable shot. It was odd, no? I mean, I know I thought that the show lacked pizzazz this season, but is that really the message that they themselves want to be giving out? I think not, kiddies. At any rate, Kayla and Max danced this and it wasn’t nearly as good as week one, but what can you expect when week one was a million years ago and Max really wasn’t all that great to begin with? Also, the camera angles were for shit on this dance. By far the worst of the night.

Melissa and Ade/Contemporary (This Woman’s Work) Week Seven/Top 8 – It’s a gorgeous piece and it was beautifully danced again. But honestly, SYTYCD? Mighty full of ourselves all of a sudden, aren’t we? The dance didn’t actually cure Tasty’s friend of cancer. You don’t have a miracle at Lourdes on your hands. It was shocking that this was Ade and Melissa’s only partner dance since they were one of the couples of the season (or so I thought). Huh.

Lil C’s Catch

Why did Lil C and Tasty only get one choice each? I mean, I love Shankdaddy and Ms. Debbie Allen more than my luggage and I’m all for them bumping these two to second class status, but they actually choreograph for the show (and Tasty is even good and Emmy winning sometimes) so why the lack of respect? That’s cold, Simon Fuller. That’s cold.

Jason and Caitlin/Bollywood (Jai Ho) Week One/Top 20 – Awww. It was good to see the sparkle back. I do enjoy that girl. And this routine was fun. They were much more in synch than the first time they did it. And Jason sure got kissed a lot on this show, right? Noodles, do we really think it’s responsible adult behavior to cultivate a generation of teen hags who will spend years hung up on pretty boys who will never, ever want to do other than “play” kiss them at the end of a dance routine? Especially when a hallmark of Bollywood movies is that the characters don’t kiss or touch due to the conservative cultural and religious value system in Indian society. That’s just cruel.

Tyce’s Take

Janette and Brandon/Disco (Loving Is Really My Game) Week Two/Top 18 – It was so bittersweet seeing the lovely and talented Janette. This was a fun routine the first time around, and I’ve already gone on record as saying that Doriana did her best work since S1 this past season. That said, none of Doriana's routines were up to finale standards. But Brandon and Janette came out and sold it. They have so much chemistry together that they practically combust. And those two know how to own a stage. One of the few pairs that didn’t get swallowed by all that extra space. Janette is such a firecracker. And now I’m getting all choked up again about her completely unjustified ouster at top 8. Completely unjustified. Bitches.

Nigel’s Notions

Janette and Brandon/Tango (Libertango) Week Five/Top 12 – This was one of the best choices of the night. There have been some great tangos on this show, kittens. Danny and Sara and Mark and Chelsie both have brought lots of heat, passion and good technique to the task. But no other tango can match the intricacy of this choreography by Leonardo and Miriam or the crispness of Brandon and Janette’s execution. Janette’s ganchos are insane. Her legs look a million miles long in this dance. I loved it. Again, perhaps not quite as good as the first time, but really, I’ll not quibble, darlings. I loved seeing this again. And Nigel looooovvveeees Janette. As all right minded people do, noodles. And I loved seeing Janette featured in two partner dances plus the top 16 and top 8 group dances. She’s so fierce. It’s inconceivable that she didn’t at least have a chance to fight for the top spot. Inconceivable. Bitches.

Kayla and Kupono/Contemporary (Gravity) Week Five Top 12 – Nigel had by far the best choices of the night. And this routine was the only one that was better this time than the first time. Kayla was a study in total commitment to the dance and she lived and breathed this piece. She always has stunning technique and flawless lines, but sometimes she can be emotionally disconnected. Whether that is just from youth or stank-ness, I don’t know, kiddies, but it has plagued her from the start of the season and was a big reason she came 4th. But here, she really let go. I believed her suffering. And Kupono is love. He never quite became my Mark 2.0, but all the same I enjoy this Hawaii boy. He’s made to dance pieces like this, with a lot of dark and twisty turns, something a little quirky, a little kinky, a little twisted, with a character he can dig into and a story to tell. I could watch that piece over and over again.

Mary’s Marks

Jeanine and Jason/Contemporary (If It Kills Me) Week Six/Top 10 – Incredible piece. Maybe this was the best choice of the night, darlings. What? I can be indecisive if I so desire. Anyway, Travis put his foot in this choreography and Jeanine and Jason danced the hell out of it again. Sexy as all get out. I needed a cigarette after it was over. I look forward to seeing many more Travis Wall creations on the show in Season 6. And Travis should get his Emmy on. For sure.

Jeanine and Brandon/Paso Doble (Tetsujin) Week 9/Top 4 – Paso doesn’t work on this show. This is perhaps the best one that they’ve ever had precisely because it wasn’t really, technically speaking, a Paso. For straight up Paso, Chuy and Sara’s still comes closest, but, well, you know about the music. Damn you Marc and Jean France. Louis did a decent job choreographing a Latin mélange. The music choice was unfortunate, as it almost always is for Latin ballroom pieces on this show. Jeanine’s outfit – I still covet it. But kiddies, we just saw this the day before. Was this really the best piece to reprise? The question answers itself, kittens.

Cat’s Choice

Top 8 Group Dance/Broadway (One) Week 7/Top 8 - We can’t forget Cat’s choice, no? Even though technically it wasn’t her choice, she just introduced it. But she brought us a spectacle like no other, darlings. Miss Debbie Allen in a white tuxedo with the out of control weave and the bitch can still dance, y’all. She served! Diva! The judges were fly as hell, and shame on Lil C for not getting his A Chorus Line on. And Mia proved to be a much better Broadway choreographer than Tasty. Toma. Can we please, please take Tasty off Broadway duty now, Show? Haven’t we suffered enough?

Gone Tomorrow, Here Today

And that was the whole shebang. I mean, yes, Tasty’s Broadway piece opened the show but the less said about that the better. And yes, the SYTYCD Australia winner came out and did a Sonya piece that was quite interesting but she looked like a Bizarro-world Jeanine and we could’ve seen another routine from our SYTYCD in the time that piece took up which I would have preferred or in other words I could’ve had a V-8. Nigel got his girl winner and exactly the one that he’d been angling for since America threw a monkey wrench in his plans by ousting the fabulous Janette (Bitches) proving yet again that you don’t fuck with the master. And now Sabra doesn’t have to hold it down alone as the sole female winner of SYTYCD, though she does have to continue to struggle under the burden of being the least deserving winner in SYTYCD history, a title which I feel she will never shrug off. And we’re done.

Kittens, we’ve only got a month before the whole circus starts up again. (Side Note: How awesome would it be to have Brit Brit as a guest judge on the show? So, so awesome. Get on that, Simon Fuller!) In the meantime, I’m going to try to blog about ABDC, which I am ridiculously excited about, but honestly I don’t know whether I have the strength. After we march through Fall SYTYCD we’ll be ass over teakettle into AI and I don’t know how I’m going to survive that without Paula and having to swallow more inane bullshit from Judge #4 and then if they do SYTYCD immediately again in the summer . . . I’m exhausted just thinking about it. So ABDC until I get tired which may be tomorrow. See you on MTV, darlings.

SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep17 Moving On Up

Noodles, I need to do an in depth analysis of the relationship between Cat’s degree of cuteness and the show’s quality on any given night. Because last night, Cat’s hair and make up were kind of working in an early Farah kind of way, but the dress was seventeen dimensions of fugly. Likewise, parts of last night’s show were as smooth as Kate Jackson’s pageboy, but some spots (read anything with Evan), were like thinking you could maybe settle for Cheryl Ladd but then winding up with Shelley Hack instead. Don’t get me wrong, I thought this year’s finale had it all over S4, but it didn’t pop the way it should have given that there were some stellar routines and all the kids (Yes, even Mini-Gene) danced their hearts out and left it all on the stage. Perhaps it was the change of venue? AI is a big, sloppy, over exaggerated show and that over the topness feels tailor made for the Kodak Theater. But our little show is more intimate. Well, dance is more intimate. And the kids, well Evan, don’t yet know how to fill up a stage that size. Maybe if they moved to the Kodak earlier and let them get used to being in that big space? Here’s a thought. Let’s talk about what worked in the Kodak and what didn’t before we get to who is going to be taking the confetti shower this evening.

Fish Don’t Fry In the Kitchen/Beans Don’t Burn on the Grill

Judging - Kittens, you know I got nothing but love for the Shankdaddy; and his opinions on the performances last night were, as always, right on point. Mary is as she does and she gave what I expected. And Nigel reconnected with his inner perv, but really he’s been far worse in the past. But let’s be frank, the judges didn’t work in the new venue. Simon, Randy and Paula (I am studiously ignoring the spurious rumors that Paula will not be on next season’s AI. I know them to be false) are pros at working the AI crowd, at playing to them but not too much. They never forget that they are supposed to be talking to the kids, even when they are babbling inanities. But our SYTYCD triumvirate let the audience take over the show. They turned around. They shushed. They had whole, entire arguments with them and tried to justify their love (or lack thereof) with each critique that was given. Hell, Mary turned into a cheerleader and that was before Wade’s crappy piece. It just didn’t translate well.

Top 4 Group Routine/Pop(?) (BoysBoysBoys) – Didn’t you know it was going to be bad as soon as the word “cheerleader” came out? And then that was followed up by Lady GaGa. What the hell was Wade thinking? Look, I know cheerleaders. I love cheerleaders. I watch the UCA Cheer Championships from the Milkhouse at DisneyWorld Orlando, FL every year and it just keeps getting better and better. I don’t want to see cheerleading on my dance show. Nope, not even a little bit. I don’t want to see my dancers in cheerleading uniforms, especially not when they flash me wearing sparkly red panties. I don’t want to see my dancer boys all swallowed up by oversized letterman jackets. I never want to be reminded of that execrable Dan Karaty routine for Kam and Lacey. And yet all of that happened last night during this routine from the normally flawless Wade Robson. And even more criminal was that with four dancers, they still didn’t manage to fill up the stage. It felt small and not up to the occasion. They all danced it reasonably well and the business with the jackets was kind of cute. But really, kiddies, it kind of sucked ass. I don’t have much more to say about it.

Brandon Solo/Dies Irae – Adam and I were as one on this piece. It seemed frantic and kind of disjointed. Brandon never quite cracked the code on the whole subtlety question, did he? And the board shorts were distracting. He’s gorgeous and his technique always shines through, but that was far from his best. And you can’t dance to opera in board shorts. This cannot be emphasized enough.

Evan and Brandon/Pop Jazz (Nasty) – I would sell my children to have seen this danced by Brandon and Ade. Can you imagine? The mind reels, darlings. I frikkin’ love Boomkat and I hope they keep her around for next season. Because she serves, noodles. That choreography was fierce. Maybe a little too reminiscent of Mia’s Two Princes routine, no? And why choreographers feel like two men dancing together have to be fighting is beyond me. But all the elements were there for a great routine. And Brandon absolutely destroyed in that piece. He gave Laurie Ann every “boom” and “kat” she could have wanted. This dance also provided one of the best judge moments of the night, no? “What’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever done?” Oh, Mary. I am going to ask all of my friends that question from now on.

Evan Solo/The Best Is Yet To Come – Love the song choice. Well, he had a nice triple turn in there, darlings. Nigel was right, though. Evan had a Seinfeld season. No learning. No growing. Not as good as the other kids. He’s cute. He’s charming. He does what he does and what he does, you either get it and love it or you don’t. He could totally win.

Kayla and Evan/Jive (T.R.O.U.B.L.E.) – What is there to say, really, at this point? Noodles, a blind man could see this trend. Evan is probably more well suited to the Jive than many other smooth ballroom dances, especially when paired with someone like Kayla who towers over him. And I suppose he was fine, although I’ll agree with Mary that for this to be his second time around with Jive, I’d have wanted to see more snap in the retractions and the arms were horrid. He was dancing small. Again. Some more. Overall, the dance did not travel well and really cover the floor. And the final trick was sloppy, sloppy. They really lost steam there at the end. Sigh. At least the song was fitting, kittens.

Now We’re Up in the Big Leagues/Gettin’ Our Turn at Bat

Kayla Solo/Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) – Kittens, this was the best solo she’s ever done. Was it great? Well, no. But mad points for stepping up and being 90% less flail-y. That pencil turn she threw in was one of the prettiest things I’ve ever seen. No one will ever be as beautiful on this show as Danny was at his best, kiddies, but I agree that Kayla is up there. I had problems with the secret stank that peeked out in her attitude over the course of the season, but y’all I have loved this girl as a dancer on this show. She’s exquisite and she will work forever. Definitely one of the best girls they’ve ever had on the show.

Kayla and Brandon/Broadway (Bye Bye Love) – This is only here because Kayla and Brandon are monsters of dance. Why, why does the show continue to let Tasty do Broadway? I can’t even fathom it. And why does he continue to shamelessly rip off Bob Fosse? I mean, they even dressed Brandon and Kayla like Ben Vereen and Jessica Lange. If I wanted to see that scene, I’d just rent the movie All That Jazz. But no matter. Kayla and Brandon danced well. As Shankdaddy stated, they tore it up. And yes, noodles, the pirouettes a la seconde were AH-mazing. These two owned every inch of that stage.

Jeanine Solo/Por Una Cabeza – Fucking awesome. I don’t even have any words. She’s a beast. And I’ll admit that I never even saw her coming.

ABDC – Hell yeah! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. OK. Technically, this is not about the show, but I got really excited!

Kayla and Jeanine/Contemporary (The Four Sections: IV) – I was anticipating a great routine here. Mia’s Message in a Bottle piece for Melody and Ashley from S1 is still one of my favorite pieces of all time. And she had two thoroughbreds here. None of them disappointed. I got chills from this performance, kiddies. I know I’ve been saying it all season long, but there really is no substitute for solid technique. Some may be miffed that the entire final four is made up of extensively trained studio dancers, but I love it. Good is good. And straight up, someone like Heidi or Lacey could not have hung in that routine, good as they were both in their own genre and in stretch roles. It was great to see a piece like this at the end with two dancers who could handle it.

Brandon and Jeanine/Paso Doble (Tetsujin) – I love Louis and think he’s been a great addition to the show. And he worked these two until they popped. The routine was athletic and brawny and bold. The costuming was fabulous (Snaps, crack hos) and the Matrix music for once fit the style of the dance. Sadly, it wasn’t exactly, strictly speaking, entirely a Paso. But kittens, Paso has taken such a beating on this show that I’m willing to cut all three some slack here. The piece was gorgeous and it was marvelously danced. Whatever “it” was.

It’s You and Me, Baby/And There Ain’t Nothing Wrong with That

Brandon or Jeanine? Jeanine or Brandon? Maybe neither, noodles. I think Jeanine has the inside track to take it all. She had the most signs out there in the audience. She got the loudest cheers throughout the night. If this is a girl’s year, then she’s the girl. The only other person who has a shot, in my mind, is Evan. Everybody loves the personable underdog. And in this, the year of Kris Allen, America seems enthralled with “Aw shucks” winners. But I truly hope Jeanine pulls it off because the bitch worked like the rent was due. Only a few more hours now, kittens and then a scant few weeks until we’re back in Nigel’s loving arms. Someone’s finally got a piece of the pie.