Noodles, Nashville was kind of uninspired, no? I mean, don’t get me wrong, there were a more than acceptable number of decent auditions. Steven Tyler continues to be delightful. JLo, in addition to the virgin blood, is on some serious Dorian Grey shit because the bitch looks better and better and better by the week. And the Dawg is still an ass. Sigh. And they were at the Ryman which is awesome. But it failed to movie me, kittens. Did the earth move for you? Before we dive into tonight’s new Idol-mania, let’s jump in our way back machine and see what we remember about last Wednesday. I damn sure remember that my Ry-Ry was still rocking the weekend casual and I cannot wait to get him back to the Kodak and into the bespoke suits because I miss my sleekly metrosexual pocket gay so, so much.
These People Need to Stop
Christina McCaffrey – Stop it. With your frosted green eye shadow and your Bonne Belle lipgloss and your all of all and your crazy. Just stop it. I Hope You Dance? How about I hope you stop singing? And Randy, you can’t just laugh and say “Really?” and then demand to be paid money for judging this show. Dammit, man, you are a professional. Thank heavens JLo is here now to call him on his shit.
Fat girl in Victoria’s Secret panties? No. Steven Tyler croaking like a velociraptor? No.
Male Tattoo Sleeve – I cannot. I mean, kittens, I cannot. Make it stop. And did everyone else notice that Steven Tyler was so not interested in Nashville. Did someone lower his meds?
Stormy Henley – Miss Teen USA? Seriously? See, I can say that, darlings, because I am just a humble recapper. Also, there’s more. She’s a beautiful girl, but is she gonna win a show where tween girls have to vote for her each week? We all now the answer to that one, don’t we? So she sang some Jesus song, Father Can You Hear Me, which neither I nor Mandisa know anything about and it was passable but nothing to write home about and can’t she just go sing praise music at her local church? I bet she’d be really good at that. Darlings, if I could’ve crawled into the TV and kissed that shiny, shiny punim, I’d have bussed JLo for saying no to this more than middle of the road singer. Her voice is just not good enough. Sigh. At least she wasn’t wearing a bikini? There’s that, I guess.
Kameela Merricks – Steven Tyler finally woke up and had something to say about this deluded girl murdering Chaka, so I’m gonna go ahead and let him take it. “ You know you really don’t have a good voice at all.” Thanks, Steven Tyler. We know.
Younique (Latoy Moore) – I refuse. But I will say that Randy’s lack of professionalism last week was out of control. Family, was he always like this? I don’t think so, no? He is a jackass. Someone needs to yank his chain because he is not right nearly often enough to rock the “Simon-I’m-a-dick-but-I’m-right-so-it’s-OK-that-I’m-a-dick” thing.
Matt Dillard – Was on my bad side from the jump. Don’t trot out the special needs kids. Sob story. That’s an automatic sob story. Besides, these hicks are probably running a welfare scam. So he sang You Raise Me Up, a bold and unexpected song choice to be sure, in a just so-so manner. I’ll grant him minimal points since he at least was able to diagnose what the problems with the song were, but JLo was right again. Some more. The audition was not strong enough. Clearly he has a seed of something, but this is not American Development Deal Candidate. It’s American Idol and we are supposed to be looking for a star which he is not.
These People May Carry On
Chelsee Oakes and Rob Bolin - Kittens, these two do not look like they go together at all. At all. The hotness differential between the two of them is off the charts. And you could tell that while he might enjoy getting back up in that, she most decidedly would not. Still, they sounded divine together,no? And as soloists? Rob is the shit, y’all. Love that husky timbre in his voice. Kittens, he tore up What’s Goin On. Chelsee sang the song that reminds me of Lacey (The Story) and her crazy red hair and terrible, nails on a chalkboard voice and that’s not a good thing but she had a quirky, interesting voice. Of the two of them, I’d bet folding money he goes farther than she does. As far as the love story goes, darlings, all I can say is whatever. This is not Flavor of Love.
Adrian Beasley – Noodles, let’s just start by acknowledging that the weave is tragic. But then we met Freddie and Carolyn and they are all over adorable but looking at them don’t we totally get the weave now? Alright, then. And in the grand scheme of things the weave doesn’t even matter. Bad hair can be fixed. Well, not by the trannys in hair and make up on this show, but by someone. And bottom line, she has a gorgeous voice. Pure country. I love how much Steven Tyler loves the kids who are good. And when she called her dad who was tickled? Aww. We love her. Love. That’s how you do a backstory as opposed to a sob story.
Side note: And here’s where Steven Tyler started taking in that crazy way that is the only way he has about how he was surely feeling like we’d have all the winners from right here in Nashville. All the winners? Oh, Steven Tyler. You do know there’s only one winner, right?
Jackie Wilson – That was cramazing. This girl can straight up blow. I want to see much more of her. Immediately. And yet, I worry, kiddies. The Target denim mini paired with that tragic t-shirt? The Supercuts hairdo? A style intervention is in order. The tween vote, especially in this, the year of Bieber Hunt, will be all important and I’m just not seeing how Jackie gets there. On a whole other note, noodles, I’m with Ryan in that I totally thought the old dude waiting outside the audition room was her father. Incest on Idol really would be a bridge too far.
I had mixed feelings on the audition three pack. Paul McDonald sounded a lot like Rod Stewart on his rendition of Maggie May but in a fresh and interesting way, not in a I will milk my aging voice for all it’s worth by making standards albums of exponentially diminishing returns way. I enjoy him. Jimmie Allen, I did not enjoy. He was cheesy and loud. And men? Skinny jeans. No. Danny Pate did a damn fine job with Papa was a rolling stone. Funky, funky white boy. We got a couple of ‘em this year, kittens.
Lauren Alaina – 15 year olds. Fuck. The show is trying to make me lose my mind. And darlings, why does this one look 30 while the parents look 15? And why is she so, so , so fake? The dramatic face grab whilst recounting the Saga of Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin? Bitch, please. I hate this girl intensely. And yet . . . and yet. There she was singing my favorite Faith and Tim song, Like we Never Loved At All, and knocking it out of the park. And then bringing in her baby faced family and Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin so that they all could be all cute with my favorite new toy, Steven Tyler and she could turn it out again on that horrible asteroid song from minion of Satan, Diane Warren. Noodles, She can really sing. Still hate her but this one is a comer.
And now we’re mercifully done with Nashville. I barely remember what happened and I just finished writing about it. Bleagh. But on to the next city, kittens. Each night begins the new day?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 3 You’re So Jaded, And I’m the One That Jaded You
Steven Tyler and I have been made supremely uncomfortable by Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I feel like I need one of those Silkwood showers. Noodles, Gokey 2.0 was foul. Did I cry? Of course I did. I’m not some heartless monster. (Really, I’m not. Just ask my mom) Who could not cry when watching Steven Tyler tenderly kiss the cheek of the palsied woman in the wheelchair while whispering to her about how she is the wind beneath her modestly talented fiance’s wings? No one, that’s who. But on the real? Gokey 2.0 had some serious pitch problems breaking off in that version of Breakeven (that was less fabulous than watching the Backbeats do it on The Sing Off and I didn’t even really like that performance). He also had tragic, Chris Sligh hair and an unfortunate, Andrew Garcia-like quality to his whole vibe. In other words, this kid will never be your next American Idol. And therefore, kiddies, what we were left with to close out our time in miserable Milwaukee was straight up tragedy porn. This awful, awful show took what is essentially a sweetly tragic and yet uplifting story and turned it into a crass amusement that will be buzzed about on the interwebs for a day or two and then forgotten. Dignity, privacy, respect? I guess all that takes a back seat to ratings. Damn you, SiNi. Although, in reality, can we really place all the blame on Cecile Frot-Coutaz and Co? I must now be forced to write words in praise of the Fivehead and y’all know how much that pains me. Fivehead’s brother was struggling with cancer his entire season. Whoops, make that his entire winning season. And yet, I never got a whiff of it except through fandom. He never brought it up on the show and he didn’t allow the producers to, I don’t know, film his brother while he was having chemo or some other shit that would’ve forced us to bear witness to what should be a private family struggle. Chris Medina could’ve just said no and tried to let his voice do all the work. Sigh. I blame all the badness on the presence of Frikkin’ Gokey. He ruins everything.
Aaah, now that’s done. So what did we think of the rest of the show? Well, it wasn’t good, no? Two hours of screen time and only 12 Golden Tickets that we saw get passed out (only 53 over the course of the entire two days)? And of those 12, kittens, how many of them have even an outside shot at making it to the Kodak theater? Uh huh. It was like that. The rest of the show was full up with shitty DJs who don’t want to be singers and Civil War reenactors who don’t want to move out of their dad’s basement. Did we really need to see another big girl maim Minnie Riperton’s Loving You? How many times have we seen it before? Bad Barak Obama impersonators. Has it really come to this? I mean, holy hell, noodles, they put Ryan in a modified Members Only jacket. Steven Tyler continues to rock and it’s lovely to see JLo growing a spine, but that’s not enough to sustain two hours worth of some of the most egregious reality TV bullshit I’ve seen in a while. The SiNi should’ve known that nothing good could come of Frikkin’ Gokey’s hometown and slotted this one in for an hour. Give the two hours to New Orleans where you had actual good singers and charming eccentrics.
Slap that baby on the ass and call me Christmas, noodles. Let’s do this.
Hellfire, Save Matches, Fuck a Duck and See What Hatches
Scotty Mcreary – 16 is already too old to be called Scotty unless you are the engineer on the Star Trek Enterprise. This kid has a beautiful, deep bass voice and he did a great job with Your Man by Josh Turner and a less good but still promising job with Put Some Drive in Your Country by Travis Tritt. He’s good. And thankfully seems to be mature for his age. But darlings, I still do not want this kid on my AI. Is he versatile enough to break it down on disco night? Are you salivating to hear him twang his way through a Bon Jovi classic during Rock Week? Do we really think he’s the next American Idol? Of course we don’t, because we are not crazy. I think this kid could be a country superstar, but not in the Underwood-ian country-pop mode that can win this show. He’s a throwback to a Randy Travis style country singer, as the Dawg so astutely pointed out in his contractually mandated 1.5 seconds of relevance per season. He’s a nice kid and I’ll be glad to see him leave on Top 7 week.
Naima Adedapo – Dear Ryan and show. Nobody knows what Summerfest is and Frikkin Gokey is not a star. Kisses, Me. Now, on to Naima. She’s gorgeous. Love her look and whole vibe. Lover her multi-culti, Arrested Development family. Love the shaggy, unshaven underarms. Work! She sang For All We Know by Donny Hathaway and it was pretty damn awesome. She could always go the way of quirky singers of seasons past, but I’m not getting a Tattoo Sleeve vibe from her. I’m tentatively interested. And the JLo/Steven Tyler snark-fest when Jenny from the Block tried to call him Steve? Aww, yeah. It’s Steven Tyler, JLo. Don’t get it twisted. Always the full name. Ha! And then JLo got salty. Kittens, I sense a JLo/Steven Tyler diva-off in the near future and I cannot wait. Steven Tyler may be the more obvious favorite due to his drug use and freakishly strong, skinny limbs, but my money’s on JLo. She will turn that Manolo heel into an ice pick and stab you through the eye. Then when you are down, sit on you with that big old booty. And she can always call in her ghoul husband to chow down on you zombie style if things get too out of control.
Jerome Bell – Was a cutie pie. He needs to lose the bucket hat. And his mom is fabulous! I see you, mama! And Ryan with mom cracking another joke about how he is such a wee pocket sprite? Love! So, Jerome here chose to sing Let’s Get It on and as you all know, kiddies, this song can’t not be cheesy, which I guess makes sense since he’s a wedding singer and they are cheesy by definition. Despite all that, he managed to make me fall a teensy bit in love with him. All the –isms, none of the was-isms. Indeed, Steven Tyler of my heart, indeed. Kittens, we like this one.
Molly DeWolf Swensen – Oh people are gonna hate on this girl so hard. Harvard grad. White House Intern. But darlings, I submit to you that we watched this poor creature get smacked in the face by Randy Jackson. Oh, the humanity! Hasn’t she earned a teensy bit of a break? Sittin’ on the Dock of Bay is fast becoming this year’s overworked audition song, no? She has a pretty voice, although I found the arrangement to be a little weird and off putting. I mean, that’s a nice lower register, but when she switched it up on the chorus it was almost like she was singing two different songs. For me for her, she’s OK but nothing special. Total cannon fodder. Therefore, I sincerely hope she’s a more talented civil servant, because she’s not got what it takes to be a pop star. I won’t remember her tomorrow. I will remember those red pumps, though. Fierce!
Fashion Side Note: While JLo’s treble clef shirt and mini-poodle skirt made her look like the mayor of Crazy Town, the bitch’s coat was fabulous! She is killing it with the array of natty trenches. And Steven Tyler showed up in yet another cracked out chapeau. It’s getting so I almost look fondly on the hate in my heart I harbor for every single one of those silly ass scarves he rocks.
Scott Dangerfield – He sang Amos Lee’s Dreaming, a song which I do not know at all and I don’t think I’m sad about that. But kittens, forget about the song choice and check the voice on this kid. Work it the hell on out, pasty white boy. What? He’s ridiculous. I’m with JLo in thinking he’s one of the best we’ve seen yet.
Whoop – Pow*
*That’s the sound Steven Tyler makes when he is shooting imaginary rubber bands at fools who can’t sing or are beneath him and are taking up his time with all their inability to become out next American Idol, just like this batch below.
Emma Henry – The skunk hair, faux Avril, wannabe the female Beiber, learners permit stank of entitlement coming off this one was almost more than I could bear from the jump. From the jump, noodles. And she’s 15. And the bitch can’t sing. Her rendition of True Colors sounded like me in the shower or like every other 15 year old in the world with a halfway decent voice who gets up and singes Cyndi Lauper at the neighborhood karaoke joint/sushi bar. That spot right there in the middle? Right around “Don’t be afraid to let them show.” Yeah, those notes were not of the lord. I mean she’s a cute girl and all and I’m sure it was really really sad to have to crush her dreams, but really? Sigh. Is this what it’s come to now, kittens? JLo is the tough one!?! Goddamn, judges panel. They know this girl won’t last one round in Hollywood. I’m accustomed to the Dawg being useless, but Steven Tyler really let me down on this one.
Thia Megia – Is not terrible. I think she has a nice voice, though she was desperately trying too hard to sound “funky”. She sand Chasing Pavements in this oddly affected way when I really just wanted her to sing it straight. And darlings, don’t you truly think she wouldn’t have made that mistake, that trying to take yourself too seriously and trying soo hard that the seams start showing, if she’d been just a teensy bit older and more sure of herself and sure of who she was as a performer? She should’ve waited, noodles . What’s worse, the SiNi continue to put through mad young kids in their ill guided attempt to find the next Bieber. As I said last week, I’m skeerid.
Haley Reinhardt – Eh, she’s fine. She got put through mainly because Steven Tyler would like to get in her pants, which should be gross and yet is somehow still charming when it’s coming from him which I guess is just part of the Steven Tyler magic. So this trick sang Oh, Darling in a very loud is the new good kind of way, and I suppose she can sing but why do all these kids have to oversing and throw every single run into a song just because they think they can? If I thought she could learn to tone it down and not be so loud is the new good, I might think she’s got a little something something. But she can’t and I don’t so what does it matter? Cannon fodder. Next.
Tyjuan (OK, it’s actually Tiwan, but I was close) – This kid has a good voice, but oh my stars, he is cheese on toast. We’ve finally started seeing some more authentic contenders for the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot and then this fool shows up and I see Big Mike, Part Deux. No. No. No. And his whole family outside rocking that Tyler Perry Madea shtick? Ewwwww. I hate this crew. Hate him. Hate the family. Please god, no.
Steve Beghun – It really could’ve gone either way with this CPA, couldn’t it? I mean, the vocals were OK, but not so great that they couldn’t have turned this into a joke audition if they’d wanted to. So Steven Tyler thought he was disturbingly great and weirdly compelling and I vehemently disagreed on the great and the compelling parts of those statements yet still I acknowledge that both of them were lovely turns of phrases from him, as always. This fool will never make it to the live shows. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s one of those types we just never see again, so I hoped he enjoyed his 15 minutes. Maybe it will add to his client list. Anyway, good luck at H&R Block because you’ll not win this show.
Alyson Jodas – Eww. I hate you already. Kittens, gather round for some home truths. If you have to announce to the world that you are an edgy, rocker girl, then you are not an edgy rocker girl. In fact, you are probably a tool who looks desperate in too tight, too cheap clothing with bad makeup and a Supercuts hairdo. Steven Tyler brought the real critique with this girl. Her Come Together was nothing more than passable and her Dream On was regrettable, but I blame Randy for that. And it did give Steven Tyler an opportunity to show us how a rock and roll screen is really done and help us wash away the nightmarish memories of the Gokey scream, so I take a little of the blame away from Randy. But I digress. Noodles, all the judges know that Alyson Jodas will not make anyone forget Manic Panic. She might not even make anyone forget Alexis Grace. I mean, you don’t really have to be a great singer to become a rock star, but this girl doesn’t have that what it is-ness. She got put through for being on Steven Tyler’s jock, which I get it. Who isn’t? She’ll be gone faster than Steve Beghun. They might even hop on a flight back to Milwaukee together after being summarily dismissed from Hollywood Week.
Chris Medina –Frikkin’ Gokey 2.0. So he sang Break Even by The Script and he was flat all over the place and then he was better in the falsetto but still nothing overwhelmingly great. And then the whole segment got so exploitative and nasty and just, eww. Seriously, family, I need a shower. This show makes me hate humanity.
I Liked It, But I’m Not Sure It’s right for American Idol
This is Steven Tyler code for “shit sucked like a Hoover.” And it’s also a perfect description of our Milwaukee episode. Kittens, I enjoyed it because I enjoy this show and I am above all reality TV’s bitch, but it wasn’t good. And it didn’t get us any closer to finding our next American Idol except for maybe a handful of cases (at least from what we saw). The show had been doing such a good job of balancing the crap with the substance, and here they just fell totally off the wagon. Please do better in Nashville, Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi. Steven Tyler can’t do this alone.
Aaah, now that’s done. So what did we think of the rest of the show? Well, it wasn’t good, no? Two hours of screen time and only 12 Golden Tickets that we saw get passed out (only 53 over the course of the entire two days)? And of those 12, kittens, how many of them have even an outside shot at making it to the Kodak theater? Uh huh. It was like that. The rest of the show was full up with shitty DJs who don’t want to be singers and Civil War reenactors who don’t want to move out of their dad’s basement. Did we really need to see another big girl maim Minnie Riperton’s Loving You? How many times have we seen it before? Bad Barak Obama impersonators. Has it really come to this? I mean, holy hell, noodles, they put Ryan in a modified Members Only jacket. Steven Tyler continues to rock and it’s lovely to see JLo growing a spine, but that’s not enough to sustain two hours worth of some of the most egregious reality TV bullshit I’ve seen in a while. The SiNi should’ve known that nothing good could come of Frikkin’ Gokey’s hometown and slotted this one in for an hour. Give the two hours to New Orleans where you had actual good singers and charming eccentrics.
Slap that baby on the ass and call me Christmas, noodles. Let’s do this.
Hellfire, Save Matches, Fuck a Duck and See What Hatches
Scotty Mcreary – 16 is already too old to be called Scotty unless you are the engineer on the Star Trek Enterprise. This kid has a beautiful, deep bass voice and he did a great job with Your Man by Josh Turner and a less good but still promising job with Put Some Drive in Your Country by Travis Tritt. He’s good. And thankfully seems to be mature for his age. But darlings, I still do not want this kid on my AI. Is he versatile enough to break it down on disco night? Are you salivating to hear him twang his way through a Bon Jovi classic during Rock Week? Do we really think he’s the next American Idol? Of course we don’t, because we are not crazy. I think this kid could be a country superstar, but not in the Underwood-ian country-pop mode that can win this show. He’s a throwback to a Randy Travis style country singer, as the Dawg so astutely pointed out in his contractually mandated 1.5 seconds of relevance per season. He’s a nice kid and I’ll be glad to see him leave on Top 7 week.
Naima Adedapo – Dear Ryan and show. Nobody knows what Summerfest is and Frikkin Gokey is not a star. Kisses, Me. Now, on to Naima. She’s gorgeous. Love her look and whole vibe. Lover her multi-culti, Arrested Development family. Love the shaggy, unshaven underarms. Work! She sang For All We Know by Donny Hathaway and it was pretty damn awesome. She could always go the way of quirky singers of seasons past, but I’m not getting a Tattoo Sleeve vibe from her. I’m tentatively interested. And the JLo/Steven Tyler snark-fest when Jenny from the Block tried to call him Steve? Aww, yeah. It’s Steven Tyler, JLo. Don’t get it twisted. Always the full name. Ha! And then JLo got salty. Kittens, I sense a JLo/Steven Tyler diva-off in the near future and I cannot wait. Steven Tyler may be the more obvious favorite due to his drug use and freakishly strong, skinny limbs, but my money’s on JLo. She will turn that Manolo heel into an ice pick and stab you through the eye. Then when you are down, sit on you with that big old booty. And she can always call in her ghoul husband to chow down on you zombie style if things get too out of control.
Jerome Bell – Was a cutie pie. He needs to lose the bucket hat. And his mom is fabulous! I see you, mama! And Ryan with mom cracking another joke about how he is such a wee pocket sprite? Love! So, Jerome here chose to sing Let’s Get It on and as you all know, kiddies, this song can’t not be cheesy, which I guess makes sense since he’s a wedding singer and they are cheesy by definition. Despite all that, he managed to make me fall a teensy bit in love with him. All the –isms, none of the was-isms. Indeed, Steven Tyler of my heart, indeed. Kittens, we like this one.
Molly DeWolf Swensen – Oh people are gonna hate on this girl so hard. Harvard grad. White House Intern. But darlings, I submit to you that we watched this poor creature get smacked in the face by Randy Jackson. Oh, the humanity! Hasn’t she earned a teensy bit of a break? Sittin’ on the Dock of Bay is fast becoming this year’s overworked audition song, no? She has a pretty voice, although I found the arrangement to be a little weird and off putting. I mean, that’s a nice lower register, but when she switched it up on the chorus it was almost like she was singing two different songs. For me for her, she’s OK but nothing special. Total cannon fodder. Therefore, I sincerely hope she’s a more talented civil servant, because she’s not got what it takes to be a pop star. I won’t remember her tomorrow. I will remember those red pumps, though. Fierce!
Fashion Side Note: While JLo’s treble clef shirt and mini-poodle skirt made her look like the mayor of Crazy Town, the bitch’s coat was fabulous! She is killing it with the array of natty trenches. And Steven Tyler showed up in yet another cracked out chapeau. It’s getting so I almost look fondly on the hate in my heart I harbor for every single one of those silly ass scarves he rocks.
Scott Dangerfield – He sang Amos Lee’s Dreaming, a song which I do not know at all and I don’t think I’m sad about that. But kittens, forget about the song choice and check the voice on this kid. Work it the hell on out, pasty white boy. What? He’s ridiculous. I’m with JLo in thinking he’s one of the best we’ve seen yet.
Whoop – Pow*
*That’s the sound Steven Tyler makes when he is shooting imaginary rubber bands at fools who can’t sing or are beneath him and are taking up his time with all their inability to become out next American Idol, just like this batch below.
Emma Henry – The skunk hair, faux Avril, wannabe the female Beiber, learners permit stank of entitlement coming off this one was almost more than I could bear from the jump. From the jump, noodles. And she’s 15. And the bitch can’t sing. Her rendition of True Colors sounded like me in the shower or like every other 15 year old in the world with a halfway decent voice who gets up and singes Cyndi Lauper at the neighborhood karaoke joint/sushi bar. That spot right there in the middle? Right around “Don’t be afraid to let them show.” Yeah, those notes were not of the lord. I mean she’s a cute girl and all and I’m sure it was really really sad to have to crush her dreams, but really? Sigh. Is this what it’s come to now, kittens? JLo is the tough one!?! Goddamn, judges panel. They know this girl won’t last one round in Hollywood. I’m accustomed to the Dawg being useless, but Steven Tyler really let me down on this one.
Thia Megia – Is not terrible. I think she has a nice voice, though she was desperately trying too hard to sound “funky”. She sand Chasing Pavements in this oddly affected way when I really just wanted her to sing it straight. And darlings, don’t you truly think she wouldn’t have made that mistake, that trying to take yourself too seriously and trying soo hard that the seams start showing, if she’d been just a teensy bit older and more sure of herself and sure of who she was as a performer? She should’ve waited, noodles . What’s worse, the SiNi continue to put through mad young kids in their ill guided attempt to find the next Bieber. As I said last week, I’m skeerid.
Haley Reinhardt – Eh, she’s fine. She got put through mainly because Steven Tyler would like to get in her pants, which should be gross and yet is somehow still charming when it’s coming from him which I guess is just part of the Steven Tyler magic. So this trick sang Oh, Darling in a very loud is the new good kind of way, and I suppose she can sing but why do all these kids have to oversing and throw every single run into a song just because they think they can? If I thought she could learn to tone it down and not be so loud is the new good, I might think she’s got a little something something. But she can’t and I don’t so what does it matter? Cannon fodder. Next.
Tyjuan (OK, it’s actually Tiwan, but I was close) – This kid has a good voice, but oh my stars, he is cheese on toast. We’ve finally started seeing some more authentic contenders for the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot and then this fool shows up and I see Big Mike, Part Deux. No. No. No. And his whole family outside rocking that Tyler Perry Madea shtick? Ewwwww. I hate this crew. Hate him. Hate the family. Please god, no.
Steve Beghun – It really could’ve gone either way with this CPA, couldn’t it? I mean, the vocals were OK, but not so great that they couldn’t have turned this into a joke audition if they’d wanted to. So Steven Tyler thought he was disturbingly great and weirdly compelling and I vehemently disagreed on the great and the compelling parts of those statements yet still I acknowledge that both of them were lovely turns of phrases from him, as always. This fool will never make it to the live shows. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s one of those types we just never see again, so I hoped he enjoyed his 15 minutes. Maybe it will add to his client list. Anyway, good luck at H&R Block because you’ll not win this show.
Alyson Jodas – Eww. I hate you already. Kittens, gather round for some home truths. If you have to announce to the world that you are an edgy, rocker girl, then you are not an edgy rocker girl. In fact, you are probably a tool who looks desperate in too tight, too cheap clothing with bad makeup and a Supercuts hairdo. Steven Tyler brought the real critique with this girl. Her Come Together was nothing more than passable and her Dream On was regrettable, but I blame Randy for that. And it did give Steven Tyler an opportunity to show us how a rock and roll screen is really done and help us wash away the nightmarish memories of the Gokey scream, so I take a little of the blame away from Randy. But I digress. Noodles, all the judges know that Alyson Jodas will not make anyone forget Manic Panic. She might not even make anyone forget Alexis Grace. I mean, you don’t really have to be a great singer to become a rock star, but this girl doesn’t have that what it is-ness. She got put through for being on Steven Tyler’s jock, which I get it. Who isn’t? She’ll be gone faster than Steve Beghun. They might even hop on a flight back to Milwaukee together after being summarily dismissed from Hollywood Week.
Chris Medina –Frikkin’ Gokey 2.0. So he sang Break Even by The Script and he was flat all over the place and then he was better in the falsetto but still nothing overwhelmingly great. And then the whole segment got so exploitative and nasty and just, eww. Seriously, family, I need a shower. This show makes me hate humanity.
I Liked It, But I’m Not Sure It’s right for American Idol
This is Steven Tyler code for “shit sucked like a Hoover.” And it’s also a perfect description of our Milwaukee episode. Kittens, I enjoyed it because I enjoy this show and I am above all reality TV’s bitch, but it wasn’t good. And it didn’t get us any closer to finding our next American Idol except for maybe a handful of cases (at least from what we saw). The show had been doing such a good job of balancing the crap with the substance, and here they just fell totally off the wagon. Please do better in Nashville, Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi. Steven Tyler can’t do this alone.
Friday, January 21, 2011
American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 2 We Ain’t Do What You Tell Us To Jockomo Feena Nay
As Ryan could so adorably not say at all last night, laissez les bon temps rouler, darlings. AI is on a roll right now. I know it’s only two episodes in and we’ve been burned before, but all props to Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi because they’ve managed this reboot masterfully thus far. Steven Tyler is a monument to crazy and debauched lechery and he can somehow make incest, BDSM, superstar blow jobs and narcissism endearing all while wearing a tiny, feather adorned top hat. Bless. JLo must be bathing in virgin blood every night the bitch looks so dewy and luminous. And the Dawg is . . . there. And substantially less annoying than he used to be? That’s something.
And the talent? Well, kittens, the talent on display last night was through the roof. I’m not in love with all seven Golden Ticket holders we saw. In fact, some of them are highly problematic. But those problems don’t stem from poor vocals and that’s a huge thing, no? Not one kid went through who couldn’t sing at least a little. Maybe the vocal stylings were not to my taste or the voice didn’t set the world on fire, but they were all pleasant, and a few of them were downright awesome.
And the production was on point. They kept the costumes and Mardi Gras shenanigans down to a minimum. They showed a baby faced, S4 Ryan at his absolute most adorable. They worked Amos Moses into the episode score which calls for major props. They only had one slave plantation reference, which showed major restraint. The train wreck auditions were mercifully few and far between.
Don’t let the smooth taste fool you, family. There was still lots to hate on in the Big Easy and we’ll get there. But for me for you, for now, I’m definitely feeling that old feeling again
Down in New Orleans, Land of Dreams
Jordan Dorsey – Is a music teacher. And he’s so sweet and well mannered and his family is love and full of full figured black women as only the south can make them who called Ryan out for the wee pocket sprite that he is and it was just all so cute and then they went and plopped an adorable child on top to sing Jordan’s praises and it could’ve all gone so very, very wrong, couldn’t it noodles? But then the best thing ever happened because it didn’t go wrong at all. Instead, it all went very, very right. This gorgeous creature stepped into the room and sang one of the most played out, cliché songs in the Idol catalogue, Over the Rainbow, and he did what? He made it his own. RIP, Pau-Pau. This kid is straight up gold. What’s not to love? Nothing? OK, then. Kittens, it’s been so long since a black man had even a whisper of a hint of a chance to come close to being your next American Idol. Could the long, post-Ruben dry spell finally be over? I don’t know. I’ve been born by smooth singing soul crooners before. But this kid seems like he could be legit. Jordan Dorsey has got the what it is-ness.
Sarah Sellers – Is gorgeous in an unexpected and understated way. Her mouth is gorgeous, although we did not need to ponder whether or not Steven Tyler was her illegitimate papa, Randy and the whole vibe made Steven Tyler hitting on her skeevy in a way that his normal pervy tendencies have not been to date. On the flip side, she’s a blogger. Hey, girl, hey. And her rendition of Make You Feel My Love was the hotness. You had me sold from the moment you laid eyes on me. Amen, Steven Tyler. Amen. She may not be pop enough to win this show. Kiddies, I think we may be looking at the Brooke or the Didi Benami of the season. But since I loved Brooke and Didi, I’m good with that.
Paris Tassin – Darlings, don’t you know how much mama wanted to hate all over this girl and her special needs baby? Sob story. Teen mom. Bored now. But then she forced me to kind of love her through the sheer force of her complete and total awesomeness during her audition right up to and including acknowledging that her nerves led her to slaughter the last notes of La Underwood’s Temporary Home all to hell even though the judges didn’t notice through their tears. I had no idea this girl would be that good. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice. Wow. She doesn’t even need the sob story. I’m mad at the sob story. If they keep it up, I’ll wind up hating Paris more than Frikkin’ Gokey and it won’t matter how often they trot out the cute little special needs daughter so that JLo can plant a loving kiss on her forehead while wearing a fetching trench coat. Let us fall in love with her voice and her (seemingly) sweet personality. Leave the sob story at home.
Gonna Set Your Flag on Fire
Jovany Barreto – Is very cute, but not nearly as cute as he thinks he is. And Mark Anthony is his personal idol? Oh, baby, no. He sang Contigo en la Distancia in a very specific, Latin Pop kind of way and I suppose he did alright. I can see him carving out a place for himself somewhere between Luis Mi and Chayenne. He’s probably not right for the English language pop market, though. And noodles, was it just me, or was this kid giving off a distinctly Loud PR Boy vibe? And of course he’s got a lot of making up to do for inflicting Randy Jackson belly on an unsuspecting world. My god, I’m blind. My eyes. My eyes!
Jacquelyn Dupree – So this girl was wholly unremarkable. She did Carrie’s version of I’ll Stand By You. (La Underwood had a banner evening, no?) She’s probably never heard of The Pretenders. She has a decent voice that she clearly has no idea what to do with. The only reason she got so much play is because Steven Tyler took her uncle to the paddle play place and forced us all to contemplate whether Randy’s ass is, in fact, so big that it would break a paddle like a toothpick. Thank you, Jacquelyn. Thank you. You’re dismissed. Although I will say that knowing Randy is from Baton Rouge explains a lot. A lot. Country ass.
Brett Loewenstern – Is such a special little snowflake and way too tragic to be on my TV right now. His Bohemian Rhapsody was lovely and his folks are my new favorite folks ever. The dad looks like a real life Burt Hummel. But seriously, y'all? He is way too It Gets Better to go on this show. He doesn't know mocking yet. Wait until Vote for the Worst gets hold of him. And he's so everything in your face all the time, which makes sense because he's 16, but I am exhausted just looking at him, kittens. I did enjoy him and Steven Tyler just being all freaky at each other and clucking like chickens. But in general? Nope. Don't want him on the show long enough that he'll get that John Stevens "get me out of this death camp please god no more Gloria Estefan night" glare. He should go somewhere and make whiny YouTube videos for a couple of years and then come back and see me. Fucking teens. Gah.
Jacee Badeaux – May be 15, but he looks 10. He sang Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and , you know, he has a beautiful voice, but when it changes once he starts puberty, he’s gonna be fucked. Kittens, we all know that Hollywood is going to mess him up as he's not, how do you say? A traditional looking pop idol. I mean, he’s so fat he couldn’t even jump for joy when they gave him his Golden Ticket. He seems like a such a sweet child and he has a voice like an angel. Why put him through the AI fame grinder? It’s grotesque.
I’m Glad to Be, Yesiree, In the Land of Reverie
37 Golden Tickets in just one day? Not bad Nawlins. There were other folks beside the golden seven, but really we can break them down into a few key lessons, many of which we’ve learned before. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, Mick Jagger mouth) Parents, don’t send your kids to Idol Camp unless you want them to turn out to be pathetic. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, too, Alex Attardo) If you come to your AI audition in an elaborate costume, you will be winding up in a loser’s montage. These are the eternal truths, kittens.
As is only right, let’s close with a Tylerism: “You know what they say about a little hat? It’s good for a little head.” What does that mean in this context, noodles? What does it ever mean? It’s a tale told by a fool, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It’s the what it is-ness. Jump in it.
And the talent? Well, kittens, the talent on display last night was through the roof. I’m not in love with all seven Golden Ticket holders we saw. In fact, some of them are highly problematic. But those problems don’t stem from poor vocals and that’s a huge thing, no? Not one kid went through who couldn’t sing at least a little. Maybe the vocal stylings were not to my taste or the voice didn’t set the world on fire, but they were all pleasant, and a few of them were downright awesome.
And the production was on point. They kept the costumes and Mardi Gras shenanigans down to a minimum. They showed a baby faced, S4 Ryan at his absolute most adorable. They worked Amos Moses into the episode score which calls for major props. They only had one slave plantation reference, which showed major restraint. The train wreck auditions were mercifully few and far between.
Don’t let the smooth taste fool you, family. There was still lots to hate on in the Big Easy and we’ll get there. But for me for you, for now, I’m definitely feeling that old feeling again
Down in New Orleans, Land of Dreams
Jordan Dorsey – Is a music teacher. And he’s so sweet and well mannered and his family is love and full of full figured black women as only the south can make them who called Ryan out for the wee pocket sprite that he is and it was just all so cute and then they went and plopped an adorable child on top to sing Jordan’s praises and it could’ve all gone so very, very wrong, couldn’t it noodles? But then the best thing ever happened because it didn’t go wrong at all. Instead, it all went very, very right. This gorgeous creature stepped into the room and sang one of the most played out, cliché songs in the Idol catalogue, Over the Rainbow, and he did what? He made it his own. RIP, Pau-Pau. This kid is straight up gold. What’s not to love? Nothing? OK, then. Kittens, it’s been so long since a black man had even a whisper of a hint of a chance to come close to being your next American Idol. Could the long, post-Ruben dry spell finally be over? I don’t know. I’ve been born by smooth singing soul crooners before. But this kid seems like he could be legit. Jordan Dorsey has got the what it is-ness.
Sarah Sellers – Is gorgeous in an unexpected and understated way. Her mouth is gorgeous, although we did not need to ponder whether or not Steven Tyler was her illegitimate papa, Randy and the whole vibe made Steven Tyler hitting on her skeevy in a way that his normal pervy tendencies have not been to date. On the flip side, she’s a blogger. Hey, girl, hey. And her rendition of Make You Feel My Love was the hotness. You had me sold from the moment you laid eyes on me. Amen, Steven Tyler. Amen. She may not be pop enough to win this show. Kiddies, I think we may be looking at the Brooke or the Didi Benami of the season. But since I loved Brooke and Didi, I’m good with that.
Paris Tassin – Darlings, don’t you know how much mama wanted to hate all over this girl and her special needs baby? Sob story. Teen mom. Bored now. But then she forced me to kind of love her through the sheer force of her complete and total awesomeness during her audition right up to and including acknowledging that her nerves led her to slaughter the last notes of La Underwood’s Temporary Home all to hell even though the judges didn’t notice through their tears. I had no idea this girl would be that good. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice. Wow. She doesn’t even need the sob story. I’m mad at the sob story. If they keep it up, I’ll wind up hating Paris more than Frikkin’ Gokey and it won’t matter how often they trot out the cute little special needs daughter so that JLo can plant a loving kiss on her forehead while wearing a fetching trench coat. Let us fall in love with her voice and her (seemingly) sweet personality. Leave the sob story at home.
Gonna Set Your Flag on Fire
Jovany Barreto – Is very cute, but not nearly as cute as he thinks he is. And Mark Anthony is his personal idol? Oh, baby, no. He sang Contigo en la Distancia in a very specific, Latin Pop kind of way and I suppose he did alright. I can see him carving out a place for himself somewhere between Luis Mi and Chayenne. He’s probably not right for the English language pop market, though. And noodles, was it just me, or was this kid giving off a distinctly Loud PR Boy vibe? And of course he’s got a lot of making up to do for inflicting Randy Jackson belly on an unsuspecting world. My god, I’m blind. My eyes. My eyes!
Jacquelyn Dupree – So this girl was wholly unremarkable. She did Carrie’s version of I’ll Stand By You. (La Underwood had a banner evening, no?) She’s probably never heard of The Pretenders. She has a decent voice that she clearly has no idea what to do with. The only reason she got so much play is because Steven Tyler took her uncle to the paddle play place and forced us all to contemplate whether Randy’s ass is, in fact, so big that it would break a paddle like a toothpick. Thank you, Jacquelyn. Thank you. You’re dismissed. Although I will say that knowing Randy is from Baton Rouge explains a lot. A lot. Country ass.
Brett Loewenstern – Is such a special little snowflake and way too tragic to be on my TV right now. His Bohemian Rhapsody was lovely and his folks are my new favorite folks ever. The dad looks like a real life Burt Hummel. But seriously, y'all? He is way too It Gets Better to go on this show. He doesn't know mocking yet. Wait until Vote for the Worst gets hold of him. And he's so everything in your face all the time, which makes sense because he's 16, but I am exhausted just looking at him, kittens. I did enjoy him and Steven Tyler just being all freaky at each other and clucking like chickens. But in general? Nope. Don't want him on the show long enough that he'll get that John Stevens "get me out of this death camp please god no more Gloria Estefan night" glare. He should go somewhere and make whiny YouTube videos for a couple of years and then come back and see me. Fucking teens. Gah.
Jacee Badeaux – May be 15, but he looks 10. He sang Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and , you know, he has a beautiful voice, but when it changes once he starts puberty, he’s gonna be fucked. Kittens, we all know that Hollywood is going to mess him up as he's not, how do you say? A traditional looking pop idol. I mean, he’s so fat he couldn’t even jump for joy when they gave him his Golden Ticket. He seems like a such a sweet child and he has a voice like an angel. Why put him through the AI fame grinder? It’s grotesque.
I’m Glad to Be, Yesiree, In the Land of Reverie
37 Golden Tickets in just one day? Not bad Nawlins. There were other folks beside the golden seven, but really we can break them down into a few key lessons, many of which we’ve learned before. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, Mick Jagger mouth) Parents, don’t send your kids to Idol Camp unless you want them to turn out to be pathetic. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, too, Alex Attardo) If you come to your AI audition in an elaborate costume, you will be winding up in a loser’s montage. These are the eternal truths, kittens.
As is only right, let’s close with a Tylerism: “You know what they say about a little hat? It’s good for a little head.” What does that mean in this context, noodles? What does it ever mean? It’s a tale told by a fool, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It’s the what it is-ness. Jump in it.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 1 Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
THE NEW AI CREDITS WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT AI IS BACK AND BIGGER AND BADDER THAN EVER (They had to put in Lee Dewyze. You made them do it. They didn’t want to and he’ll be gone real quick) AND THEY HAVE LEGITIMATE MUSIC SUPERSTARS. LOOK, IT’S STEVEN TYLER AND HIS ENORMOUS MOUTH (SOUL PATCH INCLUDED FREE OF CHARGE) AND HIS TIRED TIRED MICHAEL JOHNS-IAN SCARVES. JLO AND HER BIG BOOTY WRAPPED UP LIKE A SPARKLY BAKED POTATO. JIMMY IV – A REAL, RELEVANT MUSIC PRODUCER. AND RANDY’S THERE, TOO. SORRY ABOUT THAT ONE. BUT HEY, THEY ARE STILL TOTALLY AWESOME.
Kittens, despite the fact that AI started the night screaming at us and wildly overcompensating for the impending lack of Simon, the Season 10 premier was more enjoyable than it had any right to be and definitely greater than the sum of its parts. This was due largely to the fact that those parts included the fabulous Steven Tyler who washed away bad memories of years of Judge #4 and Ellen with a couple of patented scream-sing sessions and the coinage of classic Tyler-isms like “what it is-ness.” Kittens, we are going to looooove Steven Tyler (Full name always required. Bow down). Oh, yes. We are.
Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. JLo showed some potential to be a more coherent cream puff than Paula (while still rocking the egregiously bad fashion and glitter that we’ve come to miss so much since the rainbow loving/colors of your voice spouting space case went off to make the worst dance show in the history of creation). But seriously, darlings? Bitch has got to grow a tougher hide. Most of the kids they put through last night haven’t a chance in hell of being your next American Idol. JLo, we don’t want compassion. We want you to bring the Latina diva bitch like we know you can. Just pretend like the kids are Mark trying to get a little taste and do what comes naturally. We’ve all seen the ghoul you call a husband. We know you know how to say “No.”
And that brings us to the fact that the talent on display was very slim pickings and if this season turns into a teenage fantasy land while we search in vain for America’s next Bieber, I will cut somebody. It’s bad enough that the minimum age has been reduced to 15, but now we get lackluster “talent” like Kenzie Palmer (Follow your instincts, Steven Tyler. This girl has no pizazz) or straight up annoying, no talent kids like Victoria Huggins(?), who is nothing but a baby Tati D. waiting to explode with crazy all over the Hollywood stage. This is what we’re left with? Fuck that noise, noodles. For every Manic Panic or D’Archie, there are a hundred Chicken Littles and John Stevens. No 16 year olds on Idol. I refuse.
In reality, only two or three people got through who have any shot to make it to the show, kiddies. The rest was pure fodder. When you add that to the bad Jersey Shore parodies, the presence of Constantine (Ewwwwww), the continued uselessness of the Dawg (Although, I’ll admit he was a little better last night), my pretty orange Seacrest candy in jeans and a button down, no, no, no . . . well, it really shouldn’t have worked. But it did. Noodles, Steven Tyler is magic! Let me count the ways.
Steven Tyler Defines The What-it-is-ness
Tiffany Rios – Or as I like to call her, Jersey Shore Start Tits Girl. Y’all, I was all set to hate on this trick. Despite the adorableness of Ryan doing the Jersey fist pump, this loud PR girl had fail written all over her with her booty obssession (Steven Tyler checking the ass? Classic!) and her JLo tears and her original song, which has only ever been pulled off one time successfully (Natty! I still want that song in itunes). And then dammit, turned out the bitch can actually sing. Tiffany Rios, listen to JLo, darling, for she is wise if annoyingly spineless. Shut up and sing. Leave the carnival at the door. Oh and no more Celine Dion. I’m Your Lady? Really? With the kneeling on the ground and the running fingers through the hair and caressing yourself in ways that make us all uncomfortable? Yeah, stop that right now.
Devyn Rush – This 20 year old singing waitress can really sing. And she is cute as a button and has the likability factor in spades. Right now, she’s kinda too quirky for American Idol. JLo continued her streak of focusing on the image side of the business without being egregiously obnoxious like some former judges I could name but won’t because she’s gone and good riddance, Ptui, let us never speak of her again. Bottom line is that when Steven Tyler feels in a position to bust on your clothes, you’ve got some work to do on your image, darlings. Image aside, Devyn handled her business on God Bless the Child. She might have gotten a little inflection heavy towards the middle there and I think that threw off the pace of the song so she seemed out of time for a second, but all that aside, she can blow. I got my eye on this one.
Travis Orlando – Yes, he’s 16. And he brought a sob story and you know I so don’t care. And he was riding the singer/songwriter quirky voice thing for all it was worth and that whole pastiche was cliché 3 or 4 seasons ago let along today. And despite all that, I really, really liked this kid. He’s too damn young and I wish he’d waited maybe 3 more years before trying out. And he has a good, but not great voice. But he had savvy song choices. Eleanor Rigby and Mraz (I’m Yours is overused on this show, but he knew it and was sheepish about having to sing it) fit his vibe perfectly. And kittens, in a couple of years this kid is going to be insanely gorgeous. I mean, he’s beautiful. And I’m shallow like that, so I liked him. He has the what it is-ness.
Steven Tyler Is Not Sure Singing Is Your Forte
Rachel Zevita – Like JLo, I did remember this opera girl after a tick. Sadly, she’s 22 now and kind of annoying. And she sang Hallelujah which should never be sung again on this show as it is owned by Jason Castro not to mention played out. And she apparently can’t sing all that well these days. All of which the judges acknowledged before inexplicably putting her through anyway based on nostalgia. They shouldn’t have let this girl through. Her audition sucked ass. On to the next one, kiddies.
Caleb Holly – Looks like a scruffy child molester. Darlings, this kid had a fun audition and I did enjoy Steven Tyler getting his groove on to his funky white boy sound. And I’ll give him a little credit for singing a song that I haven’t heard eleven million times before. But he’ll never make it through an entire season of this show. He has modest talent at best. I guess every season needs its fodder, and if we have to have bar band singers, this kid is less offensive than most. Eh.
Kenzie Palmer – Steven Tyler thinks our first 15 year old has not pizazz. And Steven Tyler is right, as he so often is. This girl is cute, but boring. She has an OK voice. But there is nothing special about her at all. JLo put her through because she’s cute. Randy went along because he’s stupid. Steven Tyler went along because he’s high. (You know it’s true, y’all!) She’s about as captivating as your average 15 year old with no life experience, which is to say not very.
Ashley Sullivan – Kiddies, is this the most immature 25 year old you have ever seen or am I just crazy? She hops around like an ADHD kid without her Ritalin and she wants to model her Liza Minelli meets pop career on Brit Brit’s? Yeah, I’m gonna have to throw the flag on that one. This girl exhausts me and just . . . I can’t. She has a great Broadway Voice and Gimme Gimme was an inspired song choice. JLo had it right when she noted that hers is not a pop voice at all. She needs to be on Broadway Idol. Well, really she doesn’t need to be on any Idol because this girl is a trainwreck. A big old ball of need and exhibitionism and delusions and she makes Norman Gentle look understated and sadly the judges were swayed by her antics and put her through to Hollywood where her competitors will likely beat her to death in the group round. Kittens, our new judges should’ve listened to the Dawg. He knows crazy when he sees it. Did I just say that? I need to go somewhere and catch my breath.
Melinda Ademi – Is from Kosovo and has a sob story about which I do not care at all. She tried to get her Alicia Keys on. She has a pretty tone to her admittedly kinda thin voice and nice control. But she’s 16. I think she might be better in a couple of years. Wish she’d waited. Darlings, I’ll say it again, they are putting through a grip of teens. I’m skeerid.
Steven Tyler Thinks You Scared Everybody in the Room
There were lots of losers on the show last night, some of whom we were meant to laugh at and some of whom were inexplicably put through. We’re going to handle them all in a jumble because whack is whack.
Achille from the Ivory Coast – I got through this audition by pretending that this woman was really a performance artist named Latoya from West Elem, NJ and she was having a lark on all of us by playing this Achille character. Because if that’s not true, kiddies, then wow. It’s tight on the Ivory Coast. Madonna has done a lot of bad things since she decided to pretend to be British, but Dress You Up did not deserve this.
Melkia Wheatfell – Singing Home. See this is where I wanted to say, “Don’t feel bad, JLo. That shit was ridiculous.” Noodles, she’s gotta toughen up or she’s never going to make it through the season.
Robbie Rosen – Every season it’s the same old shit. Kittens, if you know me, then you can guess where this is going to go. Nobody cares that you were in a wheelchair. We don’t care that you had Pumps ‘n a Bump-it is. It’s sad for you that your parents have tried to erase part of your childhood. Can you sing? Then bring it. And he’s 16. Oh, hell to the no. I guess he’s a fine singer for his Nana’s birthday party, school talent shows, etc. But this fool is not a pop star. And he’s damn sure not your next American Idol, especially not with that schnozz, so why put him through? So far, the judges are grading on a serious curve.
Chris Cordeiro – Noodles, he was just the saddest thing I have ever seen. And a terrible advertisement for Scouting. And My Way? Wow. I . . . well . . . I mean . . . no words. And the mom clutching my Ryan in her death grip. Who? What? And here’s where Steven Tyler called out his man bangs and told him he scared everybody in the room. I Frikkin’ love this man.
Side Note: Kittens, I do believe the nervous burping dude was actually the same kid without the bangs and the bucket hat, right? Michael Perotto my tushie. It’s Chris Cordeiro with a five o’clock shadow. I refuse. Though I did love JLo’s whispered “Make it stop.” I know, JLo. I know.
Victoria Huggins – 16? Umm, no. Just no. She’s so annoying. I just want to kick her in the gut. And the air guitar thing. And she tried to sing a twangy version of Midnight Train to Georgia. Really? Gladys will cut you. Bitch, please. I hate this girl. Haaaattteee.
Brielle Von Hugel – Another 16 year old? WTF, Idol? And her stage dad is not cute. And the hair flower is ridiculous. And I obviously don’t care that her stage dad has cancer. Maybe he’ll die and she’ll be too distraught to continue on in hopes of becoming the America’s next top Idol. And she sang Endless Love. Hate sealed. And she can’t sing. Good times. She will not get a whiff of Top 10. Next.
Steven Tyler Wants to Know If You Ate Paint Chips as a Child
I really didn’t, darlings. I know that’s a huge imbalance between the good, the bad, and the ugly, but somehow it really did all work. The judges had way too much fun with the losers parade – singing, dancing, snarking. You almost wore those shorts. Oh, Steven Tyler! You card. The editors showed a big girl tumbling down the stairs and big girls falling is always funny. And there were only a couple of people (Yoji Pop, I’m looking at you) who made me extremely tired. They gave away 51 Golden Tickets in NJ which is damn. And there’s still plenty of time for things to fall completely off the rails. Hell, this time last year, I was still really enjoying Ellen on the panel. But all in all, this show made me kind of excited for the coming season, and I can’t really ask more of Cecile Frot-Coutaz, and the SiNi (Simon and Nigel). Just keep the Tyler-isms flowing and we should be in for one hell of a ride.
Kittens, despite the fact that AI started the night screaming at us and wildly overcompensating for the impending lack of Simon, the Season 10 premier was more enjoyable than it had any right to be and definitely greater than the sum of its parts. This was due largely to the fact that those parts included the fabulous Steven Tyler who washed away bad memories of years of Judge #4 and Ellen with a couple of patented scream-sing sessions and the coinage of classic Tyler-isms like “what it is-ness.” Kittens, we are going to looooove Steven Tyler (Full name always required. Bow down). Oh, yes. We are.
Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. JLo showed some potential to be a more coherent cream puff than Paula (while still rocking the egregiously bad fashion and glitter that we’ve come to miss so much since the rainbow loving/colors of your voice spouting space case went off to make the worst dance show in the history of creation). But seriously, darlings? Bitch has got to grow a tougher hide. Most of the kids they put through last night haven’t a chance in hell of being your next American Idol. JLo, we don’t want compassion. We want you to bring the Latina diva bitch like we know you can. Just pretend like the kids are Mark trying to get a little taste and do what comes naturally. We’ve all seen the ghoul you call a husband. We know you know how to say “No.”
And that brings us to the fact that the talent on display was very slim pickings and if this season turns into a teenage fantasy land while we search in vain for America’s next Bieber, I will cut somebody. It’s bad enough that the minimum age has been reduced to 15, but now we get lackluster “talent” like Kenzie Palmer (Follow your instincts, Steven Tyler. This girl has no pizazz) or straight up annoying, no talent kids like Victoria Huggins(?), who is nothing but a baby Tati D. waiting to explode with crazy all over the Hollywood stage. This is what we’re left with? Fuck that noise, noodles. For every Manic Panic or D’Archie, there are a hundred Chicken Littles and John Stevens. No 16 year olds on Idol. I refuse.
In reality, only two or three people got through who have any shot to make it to the show, kiddies. The rest was pure fodder. When you add that to the bad Jersey Shore parodies, the presence of Constantine (Ewwwwww), the continued uselessness of the Dawg (Although, I’ll admit he was a little better last night), my pretty orange Seacrest candy in jeans and a button down, no, no, no . . . well, it really shouldn’t have worked. But it did. Noodles, Steven Tyler is magic! Let me count the ways.
Steven Tyler Defines The What-it-is-ness
Tiffany Rios – Or as I like to call her, Jersey Shore Start Tits Girl. Y’all, I was all set to hate on this trick. Despite the adorableness of Ryan doing the Jersey fist pump, this loud PR girl had fail written all over her with her booty obssession (Steven Tyler checking the ass? Classic!) and her JLo tears and her original song, which has only ever been pulled off one time successfully (Natty! I still want that song in itunes). And then dammit, turned out the bitch can actually sing. Tiffany Rios, listen to JLo, darling, for she is wise if annoyingly spineless. Shut up and sing. Leave the carnival at the door. Oh and no more Celine Dion. I’m Your Lady? Really? With the kneeling on the ground and the running fingers through the hair and caressing yourself in ways that make us all uncomfortable? Yeah, stop that right now.
Devyn Rush – This 20 year old singing waitress can really sing. And she is cute as a button and has the likability factor in spades. Right now, she’s kinda too quirky for American Idol. JLo continued her streak of focusing on the image side of the business without being egregiously obnoxious like some former judges I could name but won’t because she’s gone and good riddance, Ptui, let us never speak of her again. Bottom line is that when Steven Tyler feels in a position to bust on your clothes, you’ve got some work to do on your image, darlings. Image aside, Devyn handled her business on God Bless the Child. She might have gotten a little inflection heavy towards the middle there and I think that threw off the pace of the song so she seemed out of time for a second, but all that aside, she can blow. I got my eye on this one.
Travis Orlando – Yes, he’s 16. And he brought a sob story and you know I so don’t care. And he was riding the singer/songwriter quirky voice thing for all it was worth and that whole pastiche was cliché 3 or 4 seasons ago let along today. And despite all that, I really, really liked this kid. He’s too damn young and I wish he’d waited maybe 3 more years before trying out. And he has a good, but not great voice. But he had savvy song choices. Eleanor Rigby and Mraz (I’m Yours is overused on this show, but he knew it and was sheepish about having to sing it) fit his vibe perfectly. And kittens, in a couple of years this kid is going to be insanely gorgeous. I mean, he’s beautiful. And I’m shallow like that, so I liked him. He has the what it is-ness.
Steven Tyler Is Not Sure Singing Is Your Forte
Rachel Zevita – Like JLo, I did remember this opera girl after a tick. Sadly, she’s 22 now and kind of annoying. And she sang Hallelujah which should never be sung again on this show as it is owned by Jason Castro not to mention played out. And she apparently can’t sing all that well these days. All of which the judges acknowledged before inexplicably putting her through anyway based on nostalgia. They shouldn’t have let this girl through. Her audition sucked ass. On to the next one, kiddies.
Caleb Holly – Looks like a scruffy child molester. Darlings, this kid had a fun audition and I did enjoy Steven Tyler getting his groove on to his funky white boy sound. And I’ll give him a little credit for singing a song that I haven’t heard eleven million times before. But he’ll never make it through an entire season of this show. He has modest talent at best. I guess every season needs its fodder, and if we have to have bar band singers, this kid is less offensive than most. Eh.
Kenzie Palmer – Steven Tyler thinks our first 15 year old has not pizazz. And Steven Tyler is right, as he so often is. This girl is cute, but boring. She has an OK voice. But there is nothing special about her at all. JLo put her through because she’s cute. Randy went along because he’s stupid. Steven Tyler went along because he’s high. (You know it’s true, y’all!) She’s about as captivating as your average 15 year old with no life experience, which is to say not very.
Ashley Sullivan – Kiddies, is this the most immature 25 year old you have ever seen or am I just crazy? She hops around like an ADHD kid without her Ritalin and she wants to model her Liza Minelli meets pop career on Brit Brit’s? Yeah, I’m gonna have to throw the flag on that one. This girl exhausts me and just . . . I can’t. She has a great Broadway Voice and Gimme Gimme was an inspired song choice. JLo had it right when she noted that hers is not a pop voice at all. She needs to be on Broadway Idol. Well, really she doesn’t need to be on any Idol because this girl is a trainwreck. A big old ball of need and exhibitionism and delusions and she makes Norman Gentle look understated and sadly the judges were swayed by her antics and put her through to Hollywood where her competitors will likely beat her to death in the group round. Kittens, our new judges should’ve listened to the Dawg. He knows crazy when he sees it. Did I just say that? I need to go somewhere and catch my breath.
Melinda Ademi – Is from Kosovo and has a sob story about which I do not care at all. She tried to get her Alicia Keys on. She has a pretty tone to her admittedly kinda thin voice and nice control. But she’s 16. I think she might be better in a couple of years. Wish she’d waited. Darlings, I’ll say it again, they are putting through a grip of teens. I’m skeerid.
Steven Tyler Thinks You Scared Everybody in the Room
There were lots of losers on the show last night, some of whom we were meant to laugh at and some of whom were inexplicably put through. We’re going to handle them all in a jumble because whack is whack.
Achille from the Ivory Coast – I got through this audition by pretending that this woman was really a performance artist named Latoya from West Elem, NJ and she was having a lark on all of us by playing this Achille character. Because if that’s not true, kiddies, then wow. It’s tight on the Ivory Coast. Madonna has done a lot of bad things since she decided to pretend to be British, but Dress You Up did not deserve this.
Melkia Wheatfell – Singing Home. See this is where I wanted to say, “Don’t feel bad, JLo. That shit was ridiculous.” Noodles, she’s gotta toughen up or she’s never going to make it through the season.
Robbie Rosen – Every season it’s the same old shit. Kittens, if you know me, then you can guess where this is going to go. Nobody cares that you were in a wheelchair. We don’t care that you had Pumps ‘n a Bump-it is. It’s sad for you that your parents have tried to erase part of your childhood. Can you sing? Then bring it. And he’s 16. Oh, hell to the no. I guess he’s a fine singer for his Nana’s birthday party, school talent shows, etc. But this fool is not a pop star. And he’s damn sure not your next American Idol, especially not with that schnozz, so why put him through? So far, the judges are grading on a serious curve.
Chris Cordeiro – Noodles, he was just the saddest thing I have ever seen. And a terrible advertisement for Scouting. And My Way? Wow. I . . . well . . . I mean . . . no words. And the mom clutching my Ryan in her death grip. Who? What? And here’s where Steven Tyler called out his man bangs and told him he scared everybody in the room. I Frikkin’ love this man.
Side Note: Kittens, I do believe the nervous burping dude was actually the same kid without the bangs and the bucket hat, right? Michael Perotto my tushie. It’s Chris Cordeiro with a five o’clock shadow. I refuse. Though I did love JLo’s whispered “Make it stop.” I know, JLo. I know.
Victoria Huggins – 16? Umm, no. Just no. She’s so annoying. I just want to kick her in the gut. And the air guitar thing. And she tried to sing a twangy version of Midnight Train to Georgia. Really? Gladys will cut you. Bitch, please. I hate this girl. Haaaattteee.
Brielle Von Hugel – Another 16 year old? WTF, Idol? And her stage dad is not cute. And the hair flower is ridiculous. And I obviously don’t care that her stage dad has cancer. Maybe he’ll die and she’ll be too distraught to continue on in hopes of becoming the America’s next top Idol. And she sang Endless Love. Hate sealed. And she can’t sing. Good times. She will not get a whiff of Top 10. Next.
Steven Tyler Wants to Know If You Ate Paint Chips as a Child
I really didn’t, darlings. I know that’s a huge imbalance between the good, the bad, and the ugly, but somehow it really did all work. The judges had way too much fun with the losers parade – singing, dancing, snarking. You almost wore those shorts. Oh, Steven Tyler! You card. The editors showed a big girl tumbling down the stairs and big girls falling is always funny. And there were only a couple of people (Yoji Pop, I’m looking at you) who made me extremely tired. They gave away 51 Golden Tickets in NJ which is damn. And there’s still plenty of time for things to fall completely off the rails. Hell, this time last year, I was still really enjoying Ellen on the panel. But all in all, this show made me kind of excited for the coming season, and I can’t really ask more of Cecile Frot-Coutaz, and the SiNi (Simon and Nigel). Just keep the Tyler-isms flowing and we should be in for one hell of a ride.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
SYTYCD S7 Ep9 On Front Street
Do you hear the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, noodles? They must be close because TBC has flipped the script and become my favorite dancer this season, Tyce produced a Broadway routine that was not complete and utter crap without even an ounce of redeeming value, Mandy Moore produced a better dance routine than Travis Wall, the trick happy ballroom choreographers made me long for the subtlety of Alex da Silva, the choreographers continue to attempt to murder this season’s contestants one by one like villains in an Agatha Christie novel, and Cat and her pulled from 1971 fishtail braid were kind of annoying last night. Kittens, it’s the end of the world as we know it. But do we feel fine? Let’s find out.
Many, many of these dancers got totally exposed last night. There was some blood on that dance floor. There were honestly only two dancers who survived both routines unscathed last night, and they’re the two who are the two who have any chance at winning the show this season, Kent and Lauren (still blonde but significantly less annoyingly toothy and cheerleader-ish).
Exposed – Lauren got a big ole butt (Oh, yeah)
I’m mad at the judges putting a Tahitian dance on the show. Yes, I realize that unlike “African jazz” or “Lyrical”, Polynesian dancing is an actual thing. But the point, darlings, is that no one on the show, not the judges, not the contestants, not the audience, knows what it should look like. So how can we judge the quality of the performance? TBC shook her moneymaker for all she was worth and to my mind, it looked more like the Beyonce booty shake from Crazy in Love than something I’d see at the Maui Hilton, but what do I know? Exactly, noodles. So there was a dance. There were a lot of hips and knees and shaking. Mark looked amazing all naked from the waist up and covered in tribal tattoos (Thanks, crackhos!). The judges didn’t know what to say about the performance which took Nigel right to the creepy perv place and it was just as ewwww and awkward as ever. The choreographer wore a flower in her hair and OK, Polynesian people we get it. You are a tropical people. Stop with the flowers. And then it was all over. I don’t know, kiddies, unless I’m watching The Brady Bunch episode where they all go to Hawaii, I really don’t need to see modified hula on my TV screen.
Luckily, Mandy rode to the rescue, with her tennis shoe props and laid it down. Best routine of the night, noodles! How can one not groove to Boogie Shoes? Family, TBC turned it out here. Funky, funky white girl. That bouncy, side by side groove she had going with Billy? So much fun. Surprise! I love this girl a really lot. She’s leapfrogged both Billy and Kent as my number one choice to win it all. Which of course means that she won’t. But a girl can dream, no?
Exposed – You can take the boy out of the bell tower, but you can’t take the Hunchback out of the boy.
So this is ostensibly about Kent, but due to the fatal flaw of the season, the inclusion of “all star” dancers, we must, must deal with the Neil situation. The Hunchback was back in full effect in that Tyce Broadway piece. (And at the very least, he didn’t go with Chicago. Probably only because Joey got there first, but still) The bad posture? Check. Lack of musicality? Check. Lack of transitions between tumbling passes? Check? Inability to not fall out of even simple double turns? Check. Nigel was right that Kent looked like the all star in that routine, but primarily because Neil looked so, so bad. The routine was not good. But it’s Tasty and it was Broadway, so what could one expect?
Kent danced well last night, but he was not well served by his choreographers. We did not enjoy the Dee Casprey contemporary, noodles. Too much business with the stupid chairs. Too much quirk and crimp with the movements. The boys barely had a chance to live and breathe through the moves before Dee’s mad choreo put them into another broken down doll position. Kent delivered as well as he could. He’s a marvelous technician. And he has been doing better at turning off the Wapokeneta Kid persona. I still like him and think he could win. And I’d be OK with that. But he’s definitely slipped to second for me.
Exposed – Billy Bell is a great contemporary dancer and that’s really about it.
Kittens, Billy was not made for this competition. Not that many could have rescued a jive choreographed to Paradise by the Dashboard Light. (Et tu, Louis?) But still, it wasn’t very good. As long as he and Anya were doing side by side work, he was passable, although what he was doing didn’t look very much like jive, but the closed hold work was excrable. Darlings, this boy is just not built for ballroom. Contrast the kind of fish out of water performance he turned in for that ballroom with his fine work in Mandy’s jazz piece. I never knew that little white boy had that much soul. Grooving through those bouncy steps, knees akimbo. Plucking out some groovy air guitar. There were even a few believably saucy pelvic thrusts. And as Shankdaddy pointed out, he looked like he was having fun and enjoying himself for one of the first times ever on this show. As much as I wanted Billy to make top 10, I now don’t believe that this format is the right way to showcase his abundance of gifts. Somehow, his particular brand of genius, so alien, so almost delicately twisted, doesn’t easily translate. I have no doubt he’ll be hugely successful in the real world of dance. But I highly doubt he’ll come close to sniffing the S7 crown. Nor should he, kiddies. I love him, but not for this show.
Exposed – Robert still dances like a competition kid and the judges fucking love dead or sick people
Sigh. I can’t anymore with Robert, kiddies. Yes, he’s taken the mugging down about 1000 notches. Yes, he’s got a solid foundation of technique and training. But he’s the most no there there dancer I’ve ever seen. Let’s start by acknowledging that Travis’ choreography, and his fine use of one of the only Coldplay songs I can stomach, Fix You, was lovely. Let’s also acknowledge, noodles, that the routine was far from the best of this or any other season. Hell, it wasn’t even the best of the night. But as ever since Mia unleashed the unholy Dead Daddy Dance on an unsuspecting world, it’s become illegal to critique a dance which deals with death, disease or illness in any way, the judges all decided to pretend that there hadn’t been someone named Alex Wong on the show not more than two short weeks ago. OK, judges. Not everyone has short term memory loss. Now let’s talk about Allison, who was divine in this piece. She is a wonder and a revelation and it still chaps my ass that she didn’t even make top 6 in her season. Not even top 6. Hang your heads, America! Bitches. Now, we can talk about Robert, who was more than competent in the piece, but disappeared when compared with the brilliance that was Allison. She pulled focus from him despite the fact that the Trannys in hair and make up gave her pickaninnie braids. The only part where Robert really stood out was at the end when he was walking with Allison on top of his feet. Lovely. Really lovely.
Kittens, weren’t you praying that we’d get through an entire season without Doriana? I know. I know. But there she was, with Robert and Ashley. Doing her same trick overload as ever. And this time, she actually managed to take one of the dancers out, which I’m amazed hasn’t happened before. The routine was crap, trick after trick after trick, leaving little time for the dancers to, you know, dance. I hated it, darlings. Haaaatttteeee. Not even Kathryn could save it. And Mia nailed it when she noted how light Robert was dancing. His center is so lacking. He’s not grounded enough, not dancing with his core engaged. And therefore, he just looks inconsequential in his dancing. I wish these studios would spend more time on barre work, on fundamentals with these kids. Yes, plie and up, releve and down does get boring after a while. It also helps you become the kind of dancer who doesn’t stumble through every single transition in a routine. About suffering, they were never wrong, the old masters.
Exposed – Retina burning fashion saps a dancer’s mojo
White mesh, long sleeve shirt cut down to the navel with lime green sequined trim on collar, cuffs and button plackets? Really, crackhos? Really? Poor Adechike. Not only did he funk up the place with that tired salsa, he looked insane. And the blue pants were a little too big, too loose. Kind of like those modern day baseball players who wear their uniforms so big that they kind of look like they are wearing PJs. Some things are just made to be tight, kittens. Baseball uniforms. Ballroom dance pants. The routine was difficult, the kind of nonsense choreography that is difficult and trick heavy purely for the sake of proving that the choreographer can throw in a lot of tricks with no thought given to how that will actually look on the dancers’ bodies even should they be able to pull all of the tricks off. So Adechike and Any were game, and they did, in fact, manage to throw all the tricks in the routine, thanks mainly to Anya who refused to miss on a couple of the dicier elements. But there was very little dance in that dance. It was all throw, lift, tricky turn with hand positions, trick, throw, trick, back bend. I hated the choreography a lot. Adechike was bad in it. That’s about the size of it. I think my salsa teacher at the local community college could’ve put together a better routine.
Back to another poorly choreographed routine. Like Kent, Adechike’s choreographers kind of let him down this week, although Kent was still able to put in two solid performances. Anyway, Adechike was there. Chairs were there. He did a gorgeous stag leap that rose for days and days. It was fine. He was fine. Boring as spit, which is something of a theme with this year’s contestants. The judges tripped over themselves to not come off like crazy racist haters, but this week, darlings? Adechike wasn’t good so the critique would’ve been warranted.
Exposed – Jose is a mediocre B-boy at best
Dom took that fool to school on that breaking routine that he and Legacy and the other real breaker in the room so clearly choreographed. There was no comparison between Dom’s freezes and other power moves and Jose’s. No comparison between Dom’s flares and Jose’s flares. Hell, not even any room to compare Dom’s uprocks and Jose’s. The kid is just not that great as a b-boy. And the judges all knew it. Adam and Mia tried to damn with very faint praise, but kiddies, don’t you wish they would stop treating Jose like a special needs breaker? He’s a big boy. He came on this show of his own free will, ostensibly to improve as a dancer and what has he gotten out of the experience? A whole lot of uncalled for tongue baths and sad faces when forced to say anything even remotely negative about him. And someone please get this kid away from Cat because she turns into someone completely creepy and spectacularly annoying whenever he’s around. He’s a kind of cute little latino boy who’s an alright dancer, not the Messiah in a doo rag. Damn.
I’m gonna give Joey a pass on the uninspiring Broadway because look at what she had to work with. Jose is just limited. If she’d given Courtney more to do than just walk around waving a big old fan, Jose’s technique would’ve been even more on blast than it already was. And let’s pause and contemplate, noodles, that this was, in my humble opinion, his best performance outside his genre on the show to date. Chew on that, kiddies. Right on schedule, the judges decided to de-pimp their former pet lest he grow into a monster who takes out one of their chosen favorites (Kent/Lauren). A day late and a dollar short as usual.
Exposed – Ashley is so nondescript I forgot her even on a performance show where she suffered a very dramatic accident and was possibly forced from the competition for good
Kittens, I sat for at least five minutes wracking my brain trying to remember who I was missing before it hit me. I hope Ashley’s not been waylaid by Doriana. As I said last week, most of the choreographers on this show need to learn that even though a dancer can do something doesn’t mean that they should. I wish the fallen injured from across all seasons would band together and file a class action suit against Unca Nigel and company, all “Larry Parker got me $2.5 million” on their asses. And I’d still probably forget that Ashley was part of the suit.
Exposed – This show may become TBC and her Manwhores after tonight’s elimination
And then there was one? Could be, kittens. Could be. Personally, I’m pulling for the Jose boot, although once again he may mystifyingly escape B3. If Adechike hits B3 again tonight, I doubt the judges will save him as they not so secretly hate him. They might not save Robert either, even though they adore him, if he hits B3. No one but me seems to still be on the Billy love train, so he could also wind up B3. If Ashley can go next week, I’ve no doubt the judges will save her because all male-male dances all the time will not be cool with Nigel. I’ll put my money on Adechike seeing the end of the road tonight, though by rights, it should be Jose
Many, many of these dancers got totally exposed last night. There was some blood on that dance floor. There were honestly only two dancers who survived both routines unscathed last night, and they’re the two who are the two who have any chance at winning the show this season, Kent and Lauren (still blonde but significantly less annoyingly toothy and cheerleader-ish).
Exposed – Lauren got a big ole butt (Oh, yeah)
I’m mad at the judges putting a Tahitian dance on the show. Yes, I realize that unlike “African jazz” or “Lyrical”, Polynesian dancing is an actual thing. But the point, darlings, is that no one on the show, not the judges, not the contestants, not the audience, knows what it should look like. So how can we judge the quality of the performance? TBC shook her moneymaker for all she was worth and to my mind, it looked more like the Beyonce booty shake from Crazy in Love than something I’d see at the Maui Hilton, but what do I know? Exactly, noodles. So there was a dance. There were a lot of hips and knees and shaking. Mark looked amazing all naked from the waist up and covered in tribal tattoos (Thanks, crackhos!). The judges didn’t know what to say about the performance which took Nigel right to the creepy perv place and it was just as ewwww and awkward as ever. The choreographer wore a flower in her hair and OK, Polynesian people we get it. You are a tropical people. Stop with the flowers. And then it was all over. I don’t know, kiddies, unless I’m watching The Brady Bunch episode where they all go to Hawaii, I really don’t need to see modified hula on my TV screen.
Luckily, Mandy rode to the rescue, with her tennis shoe props and laid it down. Best routine of the night, noodles! How can one not groove to Boogie Shoes? Family, TBC turned it out here. Funky, funky white girl. That bouncy, side by side groove she had going with Billy? So much fun. Surprise! I love this girl a really lot. She’s leapfrogged both Billy and Kent as my number one choice to win it all. Which of course means that she won’t. But a girl can dream, no?
Exposed – You can take the boy out of the bell tower, but you can’t take the Hunchback out of the boy.
So this is ostensibly about Kent, but due to the fatal flaw of the season, the inclusion of “all star” dancers, we must, must deal with the Neil situation. The Hunchback was back in full effect in that Tyce Broadway piece. (And at the very least, he didn’t go with Chicago. Probably only because Joey got there first, but still) The bad posture? Check. Lack of musicality? Check. Lack of transitions between tumbling passes? Check? Inability to not fall out of even simple double turns? Check. Nigel was right that Kent looked like the all star in that routine, but primarily because Neil looked so, so bad. The routine was not good. But it’s Tasty and it was Broadway, so what could one expect?
Kent danced well last night, but he was not well served by his choreographers. We did not enjoy the Dee Casprey contemporary, noodles. Too much business with the stupid chairs. Too much quirk and crimp with the movements. The boys barely had a chance to live and breathe through the moves before Dee’s mad choreo put them into another broken down doll position. Kent delivered as well as he could. He’s a marvelous technician. And he has been doing better at turning off the Wapokeneta Kid persona. I still like him and think he could win. And I’d be OK with that. But he’s definitely slipped to second for me.
Exposed – Billy Bell is a great contemporary dancer and that’s really about it.
Kittens, Billy was not made for this competition. Not that many could have rescued a jive choreographed to Paradise by the Dashboard Light. (Et tu, Louis?) But still, it wasn’t very good. As long as he and Anya were doing side by side work, he was passable, although what he was doing didn’t look very much like jive, but the closed hold work was excrable. Darlings, this boy is just not built for ballroom. Contrast the kind of fish out of water performance he turned in for that ballroom with his fine work in Mandy’s jazz piece. I never knew that little white boy had that much soul. Grooving through those bouncy steps, knees akimbo. Plucking out some groovy air guitar. There were even a few believably saucy pelvic thrusts. And as Shankdaddy pointed out, he looked like he was having fun and enjoying himself for one of the first times ever on this show. As much as I wanted Billy to make top 10, I now don’t believe that this format is the right way to showcase his abundance of gifts. Somehow, his particular brand of genius, so alien, so almost delicately twisted, doesn’t easily translate. I have no doubt he’ll be hugely successful in the real world of dance. But I highly doubt he’ll come close to sniffing the S7 crown. Nor should he, kiddies. I love him, but not for this show.
Exposed – Robert still dances like a competition kid and the judges fucking love dead or sick people
Sigh. I can’t anymore with Robert, kiddies. Yes, he’s taken the mugging down about 1000 notches. Yes, he’s got a solid foundation of technique and training. But he’s the most no there there dancer I’ve ever seen. Let’s start by acknowledging that Travis’ choreography, and his fine use of one of the only Coldplay songs I can stomach, Fix You, was lovely. Let’s also acknowledge, noodles, that the routine was far from the best of this or any other season. Hell, it wasn’t even the best of the night. But as ever since Mia unleashed the unholy Dead Daddy Dance on an unsuspecting world, it’s become illegal to critique a dance which deals with death, disease or illness in any way, the judges all decided to pretend that there hadn’t been someone named Alex Wong on the show not more than two short weeks ago. OK, judges. Not everyone has short term memory loss. Now let’s talk about Allison, who was divine in this piece. She is a wonder and a revelation and it still chaps my ass that she didn’t even make top 6 in her season. Not even top 6. Hang your heads, America! Bitches. Now, we can talk about Robert, who was more than competent in the piece, but disappeared when compared with the brilliance that was Allison. She pulled focus from him despite the fact that the Trannys in hair and make up gave her pickaninnie braids. The only part where Robert really stood out was at the end when he was walking with Allison on top of his feet. Lovely. Really lovely.
Kittens, weren’t you praying that we’d get through an entire season without Doriana? I know. I know. But there she was, with Robert and Ashley. Doing her same trick overload as ever. And this time, she actually managed to take one of the dancers out, which I’m amazed hasn’t happened before. The routine was crap, trick after trick after trick, leaving little time for the dancers to, you know, dance. I hated it, darlings. Haaaatttteeee. Not even Kathryn could save it. And Mia nailed it when she noted how light Robert was dancing. His center is so lacking. He’s not grounded enough, not dancing with his core engaged. And therefore, he just looks inconsequential in his dancing. I wish these studios would spend more time on barre work, on fundamentals with these kids. Yes, plie and up, releve and down does get boring after a while. It also helps you become the kind of dancer who doesn’t stumble through every single transition in a routine. About suffering, they were never wrong, the old masters.
Exposed – Retina burning fashion saps a dancer’s mojo
White mesh, long sleeve shirt cut down to the navel with lime green sequined trim on collar, cuffs and button plackets? Really, crackhos? Really? Poor Adechike. Not only did he funk up the place with that tired salsa, he looked insane. And the blue pants were a little too big, too loose. Kind of like those modern day baseball players who wear their uniforms so big that they kind of look like they are wearing PJs. Some things are just made to be tight, kittens. Baseball uniforms. Ballroom dance pants. The routine was difficult, the kind of nonsense choreography that is difficult and trick heavy purely for the sake of proving that the choreographer can throw in a lot of tricks with no thought given to how that will actually look on the dancers’ bodies even should they be able to pull all of the tricks off. So Adechike and Any were game, and they did, in fact, manage to throw all the tricks in the routine, thanks mainly to Anya who refused to miss on a couple of the dicier elements. But there was very little dance in that dance. It was all throw, lift, tricky turn with hand positions, trick, throw, trick, back bend. I hated the choreography a lot. Adechike was bad in it. That’s about the size of it. I think my salsa teacher at the local community college could’ve put together a better routine.
Back to another poorly choreographed routine. Like Kent, Adechike’s choreographers kind of let him down this week, although Kent was still able to put in two solid performances. Anyway, Adechike was there. Chairs were there. He did a gorgeous stag leap that rose for days and days. It was fine. He was fine. Boring as spit, which is something of a theme with this year’s contestants. The judges tripped over themselves to not come off like crazy racist haters, but this week, darlings? Adechike wasn’t good so the critique would’ve been warranted.
Exposed – Jose is a mediocre B-boy at best
Dom took that fool to school on that breaking routine that he and Legacy and the other real breaker in the room so clearly choreographed. There was no comparison between Dom’s freezes and other power moves and Jose’s. No comparison between Dom’s flares and Jose’s flares. Hell, not even any room to compare Dom’s uprocks and Jose’s. The kid is just not that great as a b-boy. And the judges all knew it. Adam and Mia tried to damn with very faint praise, but kiddies, don’t you wish they would stop treating Jose like a special needs breaker? He’s a big boy. He came on this show of his own free will, ostensibly to improve as a dancer and what has he gotten out of the experience? A whole lot of uncalled for tongue baths and sad faces when forced to say anything even remotely negative about him. And someone please get this kid away from Cat because she turns into someone completely creepy and spectacularly annoying whenever he’s around. He’s a kind of cute little latino boy who’s an alright dancer, not the Messiah in a doo rag. Damn.
I’m gonna give Joey a pass on the uninspiring Broadway because look at what she had to work with. Jose is just limited. If she’d given Courtney more to do than just walk around waving a big old fan, Jose’s technique would’ve been even more on blast than it already was. And let’s pause and contemplate, noodles, that this was, in my humble opinion, his best performance outside his genre on the show to date. Chew on that, kiddies. Right on schedule, the judges decided to de-pimp their former pet lest he grow into a monster who takes out one of their chosen favorites (Kent/Lauren). A day late and a dollar short as usual.
Exposed – Ashley is so nondescript I forgot her even on a performance show where she suffered a very dramatic accident and was possibly forced from the competition for good
Kittens, I sat for at least five minutes wracking my brain trying to remember who I was missing before it hit me. I hope Ashley’s not been waylaid by Doriana. As I said last week, most of the choreographers on this show need to learn that even though a dancer can do something doesn’t mean that they should. I wish the fallen injured from across all seasons would band together and file a class action suit against Unca Nigel and company, all “Larry Parker got me $2.5 million” on their asses. And I’d still probably forget that Ashley was part of the suit.
Exposed – This show may become TBC and her Manwhores after tonight’s elimination
And then there was one? Could be, kittens. Could be. Personally, I’m pulling for the Jose boot, although once again he may mystifyingly escape B3. If Adechike hits B3 again tonight, I doubt the judges will save him as they not so secretly hate him. They might not save Robert either, even though they adore him, if he hits B3. No one but me seems to still be on the Billy love train, so he could also wind up B3. If Ashley can go next week, I’ve no doubt the judges will save her because all male-male dances all the time will not be cool with Nigel. I’ll put my money on Adechike seeing the end of the road tonight, though by rights, it should be Jose
Thursday, July 8, 2010
SYTYCD S7 Ep7 Harsh Mistress
Kittens, I think the reality TV gods are trying to break your little blogger’s spirit. First, they give me my shiny Alex toy, and then they let some Indian fool break him and take him away from me. Here’s a note to all SYTYCD choreographers past, present and future. Just because you think a dancer can do something outrageously difficult and risky doesn’t mean that you should have him or her do that thing. Seventyeleven billion Russian split jumps with flexed feet in a row at the end of a demanding routine where the dancers have been hopping around like popinjays, Nakul? Really? You really thought this was a good idea? Idiot. I hope Edward Villella finds him and reminds him in the most intimate and personal way about his past as a boxer. A ruptured Achilles tendon can end a career. Noodles, the show must go on, but seriously, we all needed a minute to mourn Alex Frikkin’ Wong’s accident before letting the bitchery flow down like rain. And now we’re done.
Sparkle Cat was out in force with her “just got fucked” bedhead still in full effect. She seemed happy and bubbly in spite of the tragic loss of Alex, which just goes to show that she was blissfully unaware that she would be getting royally dissed in the Emmy nominations race for the sake of second rate blondes like Heidi Klum Seal, who hasn’t been really good on Project Runway since around season 2. Emmy Interlude: Kudos to both Stacey and Mia who scored well deserved Emmy nods for Stacey’s lovely piece for Kathryn and Legacy and Mia’s Addiction dance for Kayla/Kupono. Shrug for Mia’s Emmy nod for the Randee/Evan butt dance. It was cute and all, but hardly statue worthy. Side eye for an Emmy nod for Mia’s choreography in that Broadway group routine set to One from A Chorus Line. Category 5 Bianca level stank face for the Emmy nod for make up. Oh Trannys. Who did y’all have to blow for that one? Laughing all day long and high fiving the Emmy committee for snubbing Tasty’s overrated cancer dance for Melissa and Ade. Manipulative, sentimental schmaltz. You don’t win an Emmy for making a girl dance around in white granny panties and schmatta and get hoisted up into lifts every once in a while by a strapping, bare chested man, although some might argue that one should. Now, where were we, darlings? Oh, I know! Cat and her shiny gold mini came out; the six remaining kids danced in boringly; Mia broke out another one of her ill advised headbands; Alex was all gorgeous and smiling reminding us of happier days during the partner and style pulls and then we were off. Most of the choreographers and most of the kids had solid nights last night. And now that Alex is out of the running, someone’s got to rise to the top, no? So let’s examine the evidence on a night so topsy turvy, so disorienting that TBC was top dog. What? I know, kittens!
Tops of the Night
TBC - Well, fuck. TBC kind of turned it out again this week. Y’all, I don’t think Lauren can pull a Jeanine and win this whole season, but through her consistently solid dancing thus far, she has forced me to renounce the hating. I mean, cracking on Kent and his pre-teen, Justin Beiber fan base? That shit is just funny.
Lauren and Pasha/Cha Cha/Jean Marc and Franz/Telephone – Well that was sexy and fun. TBC’s body is sick! And I want that dress. The footwork was on point and the hip action was going. She also brought the sexy smolder and, just like last week, she didn’t play exclusively to the audience. In short, she worked, family.
Lauren and Kent/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Noodles, this dance was everything. And TBC was heaven in it. The sequence on the floor was so damn beautiful. And the connection between the two of them was a joy to behold. TBC was light and airy. She portrayed that first blush of young love and overcame the world’s ugliest poofy pink prom dress. She has gorgeous lines, great center. Her extension is fancy and she is a very musical dancer. On the real, kiddies, this girl is serious. She’s had more good routines on the show than Billy. True fact. And, darlings, who’d have thought that at the start of the season?
Kent - The Wapokeneta kid was second best of the night? Yep. You betcha. He dialed it down several notches and quietly put in work last night. He navigated hip hop admirably well (with a huge assist from Dave Scott, whom he owes a fruit basket or something) and as we just discussed, the contemporary was lovely. He’s a quick study, this one. And with Alex gone, he has a real shot to be America’s Next Top Favorite Dancer.
Kent and Comfort/Hip Hop/Dave Scott/You’re Not My Girl – First, let us give props to the smart choreography by Dave Scott. It was genius of him to cast Kent as a knock off Justin Timberlake and craft a piece which allowed Kent to hit that 90s Boy Band video, quasi-hip hop vibe. Kent could totally rock it as the lost Backstreet Boy, couldn’t he? He was cool as the other side of that pillow. Smoothed out and sassy. Sexy for the very first time ever on this show. And yeah, he could’ve hit the hard parts of the routine a little bit harder, but he surprised me. Comfort continues to be a breath of fresh air as the hip hop female all star on this season. She’s become not only a fire breathing monster of hip hop dance on her own right, but also a great partner, bringing the sexy and the playful with Kent and really matching his output with her own when you know that she could’ve come much harder than that. Well done all the way round.
Kent and Lauren/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Great choreography. And darlings, it must be said. Fuck you, Nigel. Travis is a great choreographer. Period. Not a great contemporary choreographer. Get over your jazz hissy fit already, please. It’s boring and we’re bored. Now, as for Kent, well he was lovely in this piece. He partnered Lauren really well in this piece, something he had struggled with mightily in his dance with Allison. And he managed to stay focused and connected with Lauren. There was minimal mugging for the camera. It’s best not to speak about my suspicion that he’s trying to grow a scraggly Billy beard. All I can say is no. And yuck. And no. He was good. TBC was better.
Billy - He had a solid if not spectacular night, which will not win him this show, but was enough to get him into my top group. The Billy beard is scraggly and seven ways out of control. Someone needs to introduce this child to Crest White Strips. The crackhos in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up continue to hate him and dress him up in hideous outfits. And still, his stellar dancing sees him through. I love this kid and hope that he can increase his bring it quotient over the course of these next weeks. I’d love to see a truly spectacular technical dancer win this show. For once. For the love of Cthulu.
Billy and Katee/Broadway/Spencer Liff/McCavity the Mystery Cat – Spencer Liff! Cats!! Smart, enjoyable and inventive Broadway choreographer that references a Broadway great not named Bob Fosse! Please, oh please, darlings, let this be the end of Tasty Broadway. It’s so good when it’s like this. Billy was amazing in this piece. The movement did indeed sit well on him. And I know people are always going on about this kid’s kicks and extensions, which are awe inspiring, but kiddies, check the feet. Toe point of the gods! He hung in there with Katee (And who else was glad to see her back? Everyone? Who wouldn’t have wanted her as a permanent All Star instead of Mischa Chan? No one? Alright then) and that is not an easy task. The two of them together were a little bit of magic.
Billy and Jose/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Darlings, do you think Sean Cheesman thought anyone on the panel was going to respond positively to a dance that at one point featured Billy squatting on top of Jose’s chest practically dry humping him? This is the least hoyay show of all time. That was never going to fly. And seriously, SYTYCD needs to stop trying to do African dance or pieces that have an African dance flavor. Their current group of choreographers doesn’t know how to create pieces. The judges don’t know what it looks like when they see it, and they certainly don’t know what good African technique looks like. But most importantly, African Jazz continues to be a thing which is not a thing. It’s a made up, baloney style like “lyrical jazz” that means the choreographer is going to throw in a few extra arm movements, some flexed feet, maybe a contraction or two, and call it a day. The routine was bad, but Billy was better in it then he ever should have been. Those deep plies in second position all contorted with legs and chest distended at odd angles was ridiculous. He was creating polariod moments with each and every pose. Damn. He was good in that, kiddies. I just wish he’d been given better material to work with. Aside from Russell’s Princess and the Frog dance, I’ve been disappointed by Mr. Cheesman’s choreography.
Middle of the Road
Ashley - As always, Ashley was neither offensive enough to make me wish for her eradication from Earth nor outstanding enough to make me notice. She was just there. She danced. In one routine, the wardrobe ‘hos took her to a very bad, Hammer pants wearing place, and that should not happen to anybody. That’s pretty much all I remember about her.
Ashley and Dominic/Hip Hop/NappyTab/How Low – Fun routine by NappyTab again. Kittens, did the apocalypse happen and nobody bothered to let me know? Hip hop ninjas? Awesome. Dom was sharp and hard hitting, totally in character and bringing it as a member of a fantastic crew like Qwest should be. Ashley proved herself to be a more than adequate booty popper (she could’ve gotten a little bit lower, but for a non-pole dancer, not bad at all) and she broke out an impressive stripper split. But kiddies, how could I focus on any of the good dancing when the Hammer pants were burning my retinas and destroying everything good in my soul? Wardrobe hos, you must get off the stuff immediately. That costuming was not of the lord.
Ashley and Robert/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Franz speaks! And I know, according to the show, her name is actually France. But would you take the word of the production monkeys on this show? Exactly. “Oops, my bad!” is their middle name. Plus, Franz is just more fun to say and type. So, anyway. Franz speaks! Kittens, I was almost as excited as when they started acknowledging the existence of Melanie. Sadly, finding out that Franz was not, in fact, mute was the highlight of this whole segment, no? Because the dancing was not good. Ashley did a better job of holding her frame and fighting through the footwork than did Robert, and she managed to follow a horrible lead, which is not easy for a ballroom dance novice, BUT the whole thing was kind of a train wreck. Between the Hammer pants, the kiss of death Quickstep, and Ashley’s crazy forehead full of acne, I’d almost say that someone in production is trying to get her out this week. I, for one, could be down with that. Forgettable is the perfect description for this girl.
Robert and Kathryn/Jazz/Sean Cheesman/Sinking Feeling – I loved the concept behind this dance. Definitely a stronger outing for the hombre de queso. And the part of the routine that took place inside the box was killer. Well choreographed and well executed by both Kathryn and Robert. The part where they climbed up and out of the box was mmmm mmmm good. Darlings, it’s hard to make that kind of movement look like dancing rather than like, well . . . like rock climbing. The rest of the routine was interesting if a little disjointed. Robert seemed to match Kathryn very well. He had great amplitude on his leaps. He committed fully to the character, which was probably kind of easy for him since the gist of it was to act plastic which he already does. And on that note, that fakey fake falseness, that cheesy plastic attitude, is what’s killing Robert, not the perception that he’s arrogant. As usual, Nigel was talking out of his ass.
Robert and Ashley/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Robert sucked ass in this. The frame was all wrong; hunched, shoulders way up around his ears, dropped elbows. Horrid. The lobster claw hands were killing me softly. But the worst, oh noodles, the worst was that sad little barely pointed foot just kind of hanging out there on those attitude turns. Heinous. The horrible, fakey fake plasticness was also still in full effect, though neither needed nor appreciated in this routine. And whoever put so much rouge on that boy’s cheeks that he’d put a Raggedy Ann doll to shame should be whipped with that gimmicky cane. Bad trannys. Kittens, it was not aesthetically pleasing. And despite all that, Robert’s one good routine and one crappy routine were still enough to boost him over our two bottom dwellers of the night.
Bottom Two
Jose – Kiddies, he may be cuter than a basket full of kittens and puppies, but he is so clearly out of his depth amongst the dancers left on this show that it’s not even funny. He’s a moderately talented b-boy whose power moves lack a certain amount of power and he’s pretty hopeless outside of his own style. The judge pimping on this one is out of control and they can’t even pretend that it’s about anything other than how cute and charming they find him. Feh. This is not The Bachelor. You don’t get a rose just because you can sweet talk the girl. Bring it or get to stepping.
Jose and Lauren/Contemporary/Mandy Moore/Never Tear Us Apart – Oh, Mandy. You came and you gave without taking. Sadly, darlings, not even INXS could save this piece. Mandy was off her game tonight. This was a perfect example of how not to choreograph around a dancer’s limitation. Mandy stole straight out of the Mia Michael’s Make ‘em walk around and then sit at the back of the stage and then bare their chest while the girl dances school of “choreographing” for breakers and other hip hop dancers. Cedric is somewhere shaking his damn head. So Jose walked around aimlessly, served as a post for Lauren to dance around and off of, hoisted her up a couple of times, threw up an ugly, flexed foot every time his heel came even an inch off the ground, and then got praised by the judges for his heart and connection. Baloney, darlings. Don’t give me shit and expect me to believe it’s shineola.
Jose and Billy/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Maybe it was all the hoyay and he just couldn’t handle it? Kittens, Jose looked completely lost and slightly terrified throughout this entire dance. For his sake, I just wanted it all to stop. And seriously, it’s cringeworthy, kiddies, the way that the judges are treating this kid the way that misguided mom on the class field trip treats the special needs kid when she thinks she’s trying to be helpful but really she’s just babying him outrageously and embarrassing him, herself, the teacher and all the other kids. Stop it, judges. Treat this kid like a dancer and not like a “Feed me for $5 a day” Sally Struthers orphan. He is funking it up every week. Let him know what’s up. Don’t be that mom. No.
AdeChike – He was aggressively bad pretty much all night. Were the judges harsh in their critiques? Yes. Unneccesarily so, especially in light of the pass that they gave to Jose? Yes. That doesn’t make what AdeChike served up any tastier. Both routines lacked everything. That’s just real talk.
AdeChike and Courtney/Jazz/Mandy Moore/Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby – Bad, bad night for Mandy. Even props couldn’t save her. I kept watching it and wondering when they were going to start dancing. Courtney writhing around on the bar in an fugly gold lame dress as AdeChike stared at her ass is not dancing. And when they finally did start dancing for what seemed like a measly 16 counts or so, it was neither particularly demanding nor particularly creative. And it was only passably danced. Courtney is a dancer who tends to dance up to the level of her partners, and here that didn’t serve her or AdeChike well. I was bored by this routine after the first four beats or so. Not a good effort.
AdeChike andAlex Marla/Bollywood/Nakul/Mourya Re – Oooh, bad judging. Unfair. Boohoo. Cry me a river, noodles. I don’t give a rip about the judges. Bitches crazy. Putting that aside, the dancing was ass. At certain points, it looked like AdeChike was trying to do the Running Man or the Roger Rabbit or something. He was very Kid ‘n Play in House Party and that is just not on. I didn’t enjoy him. I don’t pretend to be an expert on what Bollywood style dancing should look like, but I know it shouldn’t look like that. And Nakul Dev Mahjan is on the list. That last jump sequence was out of control and should never have been put into the routine. Way too dangerous, especially on the first week where the kids are doing two dances a night plus learning a group dance for the week. Somebody needs an ass whooping.
Going Home
Kittens, I’m nothing if not consistent. As much as it pains me to say it, Alex Frikkin’ Wong should be going home this week. Just as I argued last year with Fug Princess and all of the other fallen, if you can’t dance, you should go home. It’s not fair to the other contestants who came and competed and laid it on the line, whether they were magic or laid a total egg on stage. They were up there and the injured dancer wasn’t. They shouldn’t lose their spot to someone who couldn’t go. Those are the breaks.
Back in the land of reality, if both Jose and AdeChike wind up B3, I really think Jose should go home. He’s just not as good as any of the other kids left in the competition. I don’t think he will go home, however. In fact, I think he might not even hit B3. I wouldn’t be surprised if neither Jose nor AdeChike saw the B3 this week due to the two Ps: popularity and pity. It could very well be Robert and Ashley who hit B3. Quickstep has felled far more compelling dancers. If that happens, I think Robert will be going bye-bye. Much as the judges seem to love him, they love Alex and Ashley more, and it’s hard for me to believe they’d save him after so many consecutive weeks in the B3. Also hard to believe they’d voluntarily pared down to only one girl this season. So, if he’s in the B3, Robert’s toast. But who knows? And does it really even matter, kittens? Alex is gone and so is my investment in this season.
How’s that for a finish?
Sparkle Cat was out in force with her “just got fucked” bedhead still in full effect. She seemed happy and bubbly in spite of the tragic loss of Alex, which just goes to show that she was blissfully unaware that she would be getting royally dissed in the Emmy nominations race for the sake of second rate blondes like Heidi Klum Seal, who hasn’t been really good on Project Runway since around season 2. Emmy Interlude: Kudos to both Stacey and Mia who scored well deserved Emmy nods for Stacey’s lovely piece for Kathryn and Legacy and Mia’s Addiction dance for Kayla/Kupono. Shrug for Mia’s Emmy nod for the Randee/Evan butt dance. It was cute and all, but hardly statue worthy. Side eye for an Emmy nod for Mia’s choreography in that Broadway group routine set to One from A Chorus Line. Category 5 Bianca level stank face for the Emmy nod for make up. Oh Trannys. Who did y’all have to blow for that one? Laughing all day long and high fiving the Emmy committee for snubbing Tasty’s overrated cancer dance for Melissa and Ade. Manipulative, sentimental schmaltz. You don’t win an Emmy for making a girl dance around in white granny panties and schmatta and get hoisted up into lifts every once in a while by a strapping, bare chested man, although some might argue that one should. Now, where were we, darlings? Oh, I know! Cat and her shiny gold mini came out; the six remaining kids danced in boringly; Mia broke out another one of her ill advised headbands; Alex was all gorgeous and smiling reminding us of happier days during the partner and style pulls and then we were off. Most of the choreographers and most of the kids had solid nights last night. And now that Alex is out of the running, someone’s got to rise to the top, no? So let’s examine the evidence on a night so topsy turvy, so disorienting that TBC was top dog. What? I know, kittens!
Tops of the Night
TBC - Well, fuck. TBC kind of turned it out again this week. Y’all, I don’t think Lauren can pull a Jeanine and win this whole season, but through her consistently solid dancing thus far, she has forced me to renounce the hating. I mean, cracking on Kent and his pre-teen, Justin Beiber fan base? That shit is just funny.
Lauren and Pasha/Cha Cha/Jean Marc and Franz/Telephone – Well that was sexy and fun. TBC’s body is sick! And I want that dress. The footwork was on point and the hip action was going. She also brought the sexy smolder and, just like last week, she didn’t play exclusively to the audience. In short, she worked, family.
Lauren and Kent/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Noodles, this dance was everything. And TBC was heaven in it. The sequence on the floor was so damn beautiful. And the connection between the two of them was a joy to behold. TBC was light and airy. She portrayed that first blush of young love and overcame the world’s ugliest poofy pink prom dress. She has gorgeous lines, great center. Her extension is fancy and she is a very musical dancer. On the real, kiddies, this girl is serious. She’s had more good routines on the show than Billy. True fact. And, darlings, who’d have thought that at the start of the season?
Kent - The Wapokeneta kid was second best of the night? Yep. You betcha. He dialed it down several notches and quietly put in work last night. He navigated hip hop admirably well (with a huge assist from Dave Scott, whom he owes a fruit basket or something) and as we just discussed, the contemporary was lovely. He’s a quick study, this one. And with Alex gone, he has a real shot to be America’s Next Top Favorite Dancer.
Kent and Comfort/Hip Hop/Dave Scott/You’re Not My Girl – First, let us give props to the smart choreography by Dave Scott. It was genius of him to cast Kent as a knock off Justin Timberlake and craft a piece which allowed Kent to hit that 90s Boy Band video, quasi-hip hop vibe. Kent could totally rock it as the lost Backstreet Boy, couldn’t he? He was cool as the other side of that pillow. Smoothed out and sassy. Sexy for the very first time ever on this show. And yeah, he could’ve hit the hard parts of the routine a little bit harder, but he surprised me. Comfort continues to be a breath of fresh air as the hip hop female all star on this season. She’s become not only a fire breathing monster of hip hop dance on her own right, but also a great partner, bringing the sexy and the playful with Kent and really matching his output with her own when you know that she could’ve come much harder than that. Well done all the way round.
Kent and Lauren/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Great choreography. And darlings, it must be said. Fuck you, Nigel. Travis is a great choreographer. Period. Not a great contemporary choreographer. Get over your jazz hissy fit already, please. It’s boring and we’re bored. Now, as for Kent, well he was lovely in this piece. He partnered Lauren really well in this piece, something he had struggled with mightily in his dance with Allison. And he managed to stay focused and connected with Lauren. There was minimal mugging for the camera. It’s best not to speak about my suspicion that he’s trying to grow a scraggly Billy beard. All I can say is no. And yuck. And no. He was good. TBC was better.
Billy - He had a solid if not spectacular night, which will not win him this show, but was enough to get him into my top group. The Billy beard is scraggly and seven ways out of control. Someone needs to introduce this child to Crest White Strips. The crackhos in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up continue to hate him and dress him up in hideous outfits. And still, his stellar dancing sees him through. I love this kid and hope that he can increase his bring it quotient over the course of these next weeks. I’d love to see a truly spectacular technical dancer win this show. For once. For the love of Cthulu.
Billy and Katee/Broadway/Spencer Liff/McCavity the Mystery Cat – Spencer Liff! Cats!! Smart, enjoyable and inventive Broadway choreographer that references a Broadway great not named Bob Fosse! Please, oh please, darlings, let this be the end of Tasty Broadway. It’s so good when it’s like this. Billy was amazing in this piece. The movement did indeed sit well on him. And I know people are always going on about this kid’s kicks and extensions, which are awe inspiring, but kiddies, check the feet. Toe point of the gods! He hung in there with Katee (And who else was glad to see her back? Everyone? Who wouldn’t have wanted her as a permanent All Star instead of Mischa Chan? No one? Alright then) and that is not an easy task. The two of them together were a little bit of magic.
Billy and Jose/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Darlings, do you think Sean Cheesman thought anyone on the panel was going to respond positively to a dance that at one point featured Billy squatting on top of Jose’s chest practically dry humping him? This is the least hoyay show of all time. That was never going to fly. And seriously, SYTYCD needs to stop trying to do African dance or pieces that have an African dance flavor. Their current group of choreographers doesn’t know how to create pieces. The judges don’t know what it looks like when they see it, and they certainly don’t know what good African technique looks like. But most importantly, African Jazz continues to be a thing which is not a thing. It’s a made up, baloney style like “lyrical jazz” that means the choreographer is going to throw in a few extra arm movements, some flexed feet, maybe a contraction or two, and call it a day. The routine was bad, but Billy was better in it then he ever should have been. Those deep plies in second position all contorted with legs and chest distended at odd angles was ridiculous. He was creating polariod moments with each and every pose. Damn. He was good in that, kiddies. I just wish he’d been given better material to work with. Aside from Russell’s Princess and the Frog dance, I’ve been disappointed by Mr. Cheesman’s choreography.
Middle of the Road
Ashley - As always, Ashley was neither offensive enough to make me wish for her eradication from Earth nor outstanding enough to make me notice. She was just there. She danced. In one routine, the wardrobe ‘hos took her to a very bad, Hammer pants wearing place, and that should not happen to anybody. That’s pretty much all I remember about her.
Ashley and Dominic/Hip Hop/NappyTab/How Low – Fun routine by NappyTab again. Kittens, did the apocalypse happen and nobody bothered to let me know? Hip hop ninjas? Awesome. Dom was sharp and hard hitting, totally in character and bringing it as a member of a fantastic crew like Qwest should be. Ashley proved herself to be a more than adequate booty popper (she could’ve gotten a little bit lower, but for a non-pole dancer, not bad at all) and she broke out an impressive stripper split. But kiddies, how could I focus on any of the good dancing when the Hammer pants were burning my retinas and destroying everything good in my soul? Wardrobe hos, you must get off the stuff immediately. That costuming was not of the lord.
Ashley and Robert/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Franz speaks! And I know, according to the show, her name is actually France. But would you take the word of the production monkeys on this show? Exactly. “Oops, my bad!” is their middle name. Plus, Franz is just more fun to say and type. So, anyway. Franz speaks! Kittens, I was almost as excited as when they started acknowledging the existence of Melanie. Sadly, finding out that Franz was not, in fact, mute was the highlight of this whole segment, no? Because the dancing was not good. Ashley did a better job of holding her frame and fighting through the footwork than did Robert, and she managed to follow a horrible lead, which is not easy for a ballroom dance novice, BUT the whole thing was kind of a train wreck. Between the Hammer pants, the kiss of death Quickstep, and Ashley’s crazy forehead full of acne, I’d almost say that someone in production is trying to get her out this week. I, for one, could be down with that. Forgettable is the perfect description for this girl.
Robert and Kathryn/Jazz/Sean Cheesman/Sinking Feeling – I loved the concept behind this dance. Definitely a stronger outing for the hombre de queso. And the part of the routine that took place inside the box was killer. Well choreographed and well executed by both Kathryn and Robert. The part where they climbed up and out of the box was mmmm mmmm good. Darlings, it’s hard to make that kind of movement look like dancing rather than like, well . . . like rock climbing. The rest of the routine was interesting if a little disjointed. Robert seemed to match Kathryn very well. He had great amplitude on his leaps. He committed fully to the character, which was probably kind of easy for him since the gist of it was to act plastic which he already does. And on that note, that fakey fake falseness, that cheesy plastic attitude, is what’s killing Robert, not the perception that he’s arrogant. As usual, Nigel was talking out of his ass.
Robert and Ashley/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Robert sucked ass in this. The frame was all wrong; hunched, shoulders way up around his ears, dropped elbows. Horrid. The lobster claw hands were killing me softly. But the worst, oh noodles, the worst was that sad little barely pointed foot just kind of hanging out there on those attitude turns. Heinous. The horrible, fakey fake plasticness was also still in full effect, though neither needed nor appreciated in this routine. And whoever put so much rouge on that boy’s cheeks that he’d put a Raggedy Ann doll to shame should be whipped with that gimmicky cane. Bad trannys. Kittens, it was not aesthetically pleasing. And despite all that, Robert’s one good routine and one crappy routine were still enough to boost him over our two bottom dwellers of the night.
Bottom Two
Jose – Kiddies, he may be cuter than a basket full of kittens and puppies, but he is so clearly out of his depth amongst the dancers left on this show that it’s not even funny. He’s a moderately talented b-boy whose power moves lack a certain amount of power and he’s pretty hopeless outside of his own style. The judge pimping on this one is out of control and they can’t even pretend that it’s about anything other than how cute and charming they find him. Feh. This is not The Bachelor. You don’t get a rose just because you can sweet talk the girl. Bring it or get to stepping.
Jose and Lauren/Contemporary/Mandy Moore/Never Tear Us Apart – Oh, Mandy. You came and you gave without taking. Sadly, darlings, not even INXS could save this piece. Mandy was off her game tonight. This was a perfect example of how not to choreograph around a dancer’s limitation. Mandy stole straight out of the Mia Michael’s Make ‘em walk around and then sit at the back of the stage and then bare their chest while the girl dances school of “choreographing” for breakers and other hip hop dancers. Cedric is somewhere shaking his damn head. So Jose walked around aimlessly, served as a post for Lauren to dance around and off of, hoisted her up a couple of times, threw up an ugly, flexed foot every time his heel came even an inch off the ground, and then got praised by the judges for his heart and connection. Baloney, darlings. Don’t give me shit and expect me to believe it’s shineola.
Jose and Billy/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Maybe it was all the hoyay and he just couldn’t handle it? Kittens, Jose looked completely lost and slightly terrified throughout this entire dance. For his sake, I just wanted it all to stop. And seriously, it’s cringeworthy, kiddies, the way that the judges are treating this kid the way that misguided mom on the class field trip treats the special needs kid when she thinks she’s trying to be helpful but really she’s just babying him outrageously and embarrassing him, herself, the teacher and all the other kids. Stop it, judges. Treat this kid like a dancer and not like a “Feed me for $5 a day” Sally Struthers orphan. He is funking it up every week. Let him know what’s up. Don’t be that mom. No.
AdeChike – He was aggressively bad pretty much all night. Were the judges harsh in their critiques? Yes. Unneccesarily so, especially in light of the pass that they gave to Jose? Yes. That doesn’t make what AdeChike served up any tastier. Both routines lacked everything. That’s just real talk.
AdeChike and Courtney/Jazz/Mandy Moore/Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby – Bad, bad night for Mandy. Even props couldn’t save her. I kept watching it and wondering when they were going to start dancing. Courtney writhing around on the bar in an fugly gold lame dress as AdeChike stared at her ass is not dancing. And when they finally did start dancing for what seemed like a measly 16 counts or so, it was neither particularly demanding nor particularly creative. And it was only passably danced. Courtney is a dancer who tends to dance up to the level of her partners, and here that didn’t serve her or AdeChike well. I was bored by this routine after the first four beats or so. Not a good effort.
AdeChike and
Going Home
Kittens, I’m nothing if not consistent. As much as it pains me to say it, Alex Frikkin’ Wong should be going home this week. Just as I argued last year with Fug Princess and all of the other fallen, if you can’t dance, you should go home. It’s not fair to the other contestants who came and competed and laid it on the line, whether they were magic or laid a total egg on stage. They were up there and the injured dancer wasn’t. They shouldn’t lose their spot to someone who couldn’t go. Those are the breaks.
Back in the land of reality, if both Jose and AdeChike wind up B3, I really think Jose should go home. He’s just not as good as any of the other kids left in the competition. I don’t think he will go home, however. In fact, I think he might not even hit B3. I wouldn’t be surprised if neither Jose nor AdeChike saw the B3 this week due to the two Ps: popularity and pity. It could very well be Robert and Ashley who hit B3. Quickstep has felled far more compelling dancers. If that happens, I think Robert will be going bye-bye. Much as the judges seem to love him, they love Alex and Ashley more, and it’s hard for me to believe they’d save him after so many consecutive weeks in the B3. Also hard to believe they’d voluntarily pared down to only one girl this season. So, if he’s in the B3, Robert’s toast. But who knows? And does it really even matter, kittens? Alex is gone and so is my investment in this season.
How’s that for a finish?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
SYTYCD S7 Ep5 Don’t Call It a Comeback
Now that’s how you close a show, kittens! Almost 24 hours and I’m still trying to take the unfortunately clad yet still fabulous Cat Deeley’s advice to breathe, just breathe. Alex Motherfucking Wong, y’all! I just . . . it was . . . I mean . . . there are no words. And to think there were doubters and haters after last week’s Tyce induced lackluster performance where Alex only turned it halfway out rather than all the way out as he usually does. But darlings, that little Asian phenom was back with a vengeance last night, no? In fact, the whole show came roaring back from a sleepy second week show and produced some high quality reality teevee entertainment. I confess, kiddies, it’s been hard for me to sort out my feelings about this year’s top 10. All so talented, so closely matched, and save Alex and Billy Bell, none really stepping up to claim the mantle of “favorite”. But last night Shankdaddy clarified things for us all. It’s Alex Wong’s world. The rest of us are just living in it. So let’s deal with the man himself right up front and then rank order everyone else, shall we? They’re all playing for second at this point anyway. Could Alex be the first “best technical dancer” of the season to also wind up as America’s Favorite Dancer? Well, you bitches are fickle, but if you’ve got any sense, and Alex keeps serving it like he did last night, he may as well get ready for the confetti.
Your Presumptive Season 7 Champion
I enjoyed the introduction of the solos because most of the kids brought it, but what I’d really like to see is two dances per competitor from here on out. The group is small enough at this point and with two dances each week, we might get more same sex partners which would be amazing if all of the partnerships produced the high caliber of dance we got out of Alex and Twitch. Also, at the rate we’re going, we’ll have an all boys top 5 which might mean no more Mark from Hawai’i on my screen and the absence of Mark from my TV screen last night was my one great sadness of the episode. Whither Mark, noodles. Can you imagine a Mark/Alex contemporary piece? I KNOW!
Alex and Twitch/NappyTab/Hip Hop/Outta Your Mind - That was the shit. Alex Wong shut it down. He's so phenomenal, he even made sub par choreographers like NappyTab look like geniuses. I want Twitch and Alex to form a crew and compete on ABDC. I want Alex to join the League of Extraordinary Dancers and make that group even extraordinarier. Kiddies, Alex Wong is taking this show to a whole other level. He's just on another level so far above all these other kids it's kind of not fair. Alex Fucking Wong. There are no words.
Alex Solo/Rule of the Planet - Work, dammit! He is fierce.
Your Potential Season 7 Runners Up
But it wasn’t just all about Alex last night. Well, OK. Maybe it was all about Alex last night. But kittens, other kids were good, too. Unexpected kids were good. Of course, only a few have a reasonable chance to play second fiddle to Alex on this season’s finale extravaganza, and a couple of them weren’t even all that great last night. So let’s examine those lucky few, this band of brothers, who have the distinction of perhaps knowing what it feels like to be a heartbeat away from getting what you really, really want.
Billy and Kathryn/Stacey Tookey/Contemporary/Jar of Hearts – Billy was problematic last night, noodles. I wanted to like this routine so much more than I did. There were lovely moments in it. That one part where they were seated on the ground back to back and then they used each other's bodies and weight to roll up to a standing position? Magically delicious! But some of the lifts were shaky shaky. It's pretty clear that Billy hasn't done a lot of partnering. More than technique, as the judges pointed out, what lacked was connection. Connection to his partner. Connection to the story they were telling. The dance was technically proficient but kind of cold and clinical. So sad. I still love Billy, though. I mean, did you see his solo? Sadly, this is a show that focuses on dancing with a partner. And Billy has been slightly underwhelming at that aspect of things for three weeks running. I gave him a pass for week one because . . . Tyce. Enough said. Week two, another pass. Billy and Krump were never meant to live together harmoniously. But this week? After dancing in his own style with a phenomenal partner and still being slightly underwhelming and at the same time watching Alex destroy worlds while being just as far outside his comfort zone as Billy was last week? Darlings, I am running out of pitiful passes. Billy needs to come correct next week.
Billy Solo/Something Bigger, Something Better – I can’t front on the solo, though. Incredible. Ridiculous. Extension. Control. Passion. Abandon. Everything.
Kent and Allison/Mandy Moore/Jazz/Heartburn – First things first, kiddies. Mandy didn't use a cheesy 80's pop song? My world, it is all asunder. Just like last week, I didn't buy Kent at all in the piece. Hungry jazz face. Ha! I love Adam Shankman. Kent just came off very forced and false. His technique was on point, as usual, but the judges were right. It was very dance recital. On his part. Because Allison was serving. Sassy! Kent really needs to mature and fast. I think he’s working overtime to fill the mugging void left by Robert toning it down a couple of notches. Kent, no, baby! Some voids need to remain unfilled. On a side note, really TrannyHos? Last week, you put the baby in bondage gear. This week, he got a tux, OK, but the suspenders were on all crickywhackwhichaway making him look like the little ring bearer at his hot older brother’s fundie wedding to the Wapokeneta town virgin and the mom let the little ring bearer dress himself because she thought it was so cute and everyone smiles and “Awwws” and nods, but then the bride’s pictures come out looking ten ways busted because the kid’s suspenders are all out of whack and she has to spend the rest of her life with a fucked up wedding album even though that’s all she has to remember hot brother by after he’s left her for their pool boy because, much like Kent, don’t you just know that hot youth pastor brother is not so secretly gay? In other words, TrannyHos, step up your game.
Kent Solo/Down – When he lets go and does more dancing than mugging for the camera, he is joy. This kid just has a light inside him that's glorious. Even with the somewhat frenetic, floor routine style choreo in this solo.
Jose and Anya/Dmitri/Samba/Long Time – I kind of don’t believe at all that Jose has any chance in hell of copping the number two spot this season because honestly, kiddies, he is technically lacking in skills both inside and outside of his dance genre. However, Nigel does love him some street dancer vs. technical dancer drama, and this kid is another one who just has the “it” thing that people are always talking about. Charisma and charm for days. And in this routine, darlings, he was kind of “Wow.” I may have slightly loved it. Was it technically correct? Well, no. But Jose worked the shit out of it. He brought that Latin machismo and swagger to the table and he owned that dance. He connected with Anya. He was there for her. He was a strong, commanding lead. He was sexy as hell. I watched him as much as I watched her. So yeah, I loved it.
Jose Solo/Superbad – And here’s why he won’t make top 2. On the real, darlings, he's just not that great of a b-boy. When I think of the really awesome breakers they've had on the show . . . Dom and Gev and Legacy . . . Jose's nothing special compared to them.
Your Season 7 Dancers on the Come Up
This surprising group of dancers is really growing on me. After last night’s episode, I can say that I like them. I really, really like them. And for TBC, I must simply say strange. She’s turned me around faster than anyone ever on this show before. A little of that good old fashioned hating crept it’s way back in after viewing her technically proficient yet soullessly creepy solo, but mad props to her for turning it around in her last two partner dances. Since we’re already at it, let’s just start with her, shall we family?
Lauren and Neil/Joey Dowling/Jazz/Let Me Entertain You – Let the record show that was a great routine from Joey. Seriously, why do they let Tasty keep doing Broadway? It can be a lot of fun, witty and demanding and beautifully danced when it’s done correctly. Someone in production needs to just nut up and tell Tyce that he can’t do Broadway anymore. The bitch wasn’t even good enough to make it as second dancer to the left in the Broadway production of A Chorus Line so why do we think he’s good enough to choreograph in that style for this show for dancers of the caliber of the ones they have this season? Oh, we don’t? Well, then. Next, I gotta give it up to TBC for working it in spite of almost having a Janet level wardrobe malfunction. And overall? She kinda turned it out. Her technique was flawless as usual, and I feel like she continues to grow in her connection to her partners. I barely saw her playing to the audience or to the cameras at all. She was very there and present with Neil. And maybe she didn't 100% get there with the character, but I liked her more in this piece than I ever have.
Lauren Solo/Unchained Melody - Return of the hair flipping, inappropriately smiling TBC. Fantastic. So I can go back to hating on her now.
Adechike and Lauren/Dave Scott/Hip Hop/Hot 'n Fun – Kittens, you know I normally do not deal with the pre-dance interview packages, but I have to with Adechike because his idol is Desmond Richardson and he's the truth and I would do just about anything to have Desmond Richardson on my screen and be able to talk about Desmond Richardson. So Adechike’s dance inspiration is Desmond Richardson and that alone made him eligible for inclusion in this On the Come Up section. And lo and behold, the spirit of Desmond was with him last night because that's the best he's ever danced. It was a darling routine, noodles; intricate and fun. Adechike showed personality and spark for the first time ever. He hit hard when he needed to, smoothed it out as appropriate. He really got into the character, all Carlton Banks with a teeny bit of swag. Bonus points since he made me forget about Lauren almost completely. Good job.
Adechike Solo/Ruthless Gravity - Amazing. So grounded and fluid and powerful. That was a grown ass man dancing. Where has that dancer been all season? I think it was the best solo of the night, even better than Alex Fucking Wong. Adechike came to play, kiddies.
Your Season 7 Dancers Most Likely to Have Not Even Made the Tour in Any Other Normal Top 20 Season
Ashley and Ade/Dee Casperey/Contemporary/Cosmic Love – Noodles, enough with the contemporary for this girl. However, for a second, I thought they announced the choreographer as Diddy and had that been the case, this would've automatically been my favorite SYTYCD routine of all time. Alas, it wasn't Diddy. Still, decent routine. A little competition 101 hair flingy for me, but I thought it was danced beautifully. There were a couple of holds where Ashley had her legs held straight out in front of her or was on her belly with arched back that were crazy difficult and demanded great strength and control which she delivered. And the ending was gorgeous. She still doesn't really connect for me, but I can't deny she has a great quality of movement. It’s just that she’s so forgettable. For all that she has facility as a dancer, she has no personality or presence. Definitely a female Adechike before Adechike had his “Come to Jesus” moment. She either needs to get one of her own or get to stepping, no?
Ashley Solo/Royal T - She wasted the first 10 seconds standing around and the rest was a hair flinging, trick throwing nightmare.
Robert and Courtney/Sonya/Jazz/XXXO - Sonya has such a hard on for this kid, and I’ll admit that when the season started I wanted to love him, too. But as the weeks passed and he turned out to be a cheesy bastard who, while not a wholly unpleasant dancer, was revealed to have picked up some of the more unseemly traits of competition kids, well, I had to look at the evidence and give up on my early impressions. This kid is just not that good yet, which doesn’t mean he might not one day be good. He does know how to inhabit a character and really get the feel of a dance. (In that way and that way only is he akin to Mark. All other comparisons between this kid and Mark must cease and desist immediately, kittens. Like Mark? He only wishes he could bring the fabulous like that) However, when it comes to dance ability, Robert is just OK. I totally got what Mia and Shankdaddy were saying. He dances very light. Like lots of competition kids, he’s got flash and tricky dazzle, but there's not a lot of heft to him. The plié example, I thought, was kind of genius. Watch Robert's plié as opposed to Alex's plié. It's like Designer Imposters vs. Chanel No. 5. I was really impressed in that piece by Courtney, however. She tore it up.
Robert Solo/Hold You In My Arms - Now this? Darlings, this I loved. Talk about grounded! Just those few walks forward at the beginning? Heaven. That was really really good. He has potential this one. Just not all the way there yet.
Your Season 7 Cedric Memorial Shouldn’t Have Been Saved by the Judges Dancer
Do we have to, kiddies? Alright. Let’s deal with Not So Secret Stank. The bitch was bad and needs to go home. That’s all.
Melinda and Pasha/Fabian Sanchez/Salsa/Quimbara - Eewwwww. They do salsa the week after Cristina goes home? That’s foul. Shout out to the new choreographer. That was a difficult routine. He didn’t cut this couple much slack unlike some others who shall remain nameless but are often found shirtless and hot and Russian and may or may not at one time have been boy toys of one Miss Mary Murphy. Sadly, Melinda and Pasha didn’t rise to the challenge. That routine was sloppy from the jump. The last trick, the cartwheel flip, was labored and I believe they almost missed it. Sloppy feet. Sloppy arms. Hip action not great. Yick. A little heresy here? Pasha's not a great salsa dancer either. A little too stiff backed. Now that's not surprising as salsa is probably not a dance he does very often, let alone competes in. But it just made for a routine where I didn't really care to watch either one of them. Now Mia and Shankdaddy think they made a mistake keeping Not So Secret Stank over Cristina? Whatever. I hope Cristina meets up with both Mia and Shankdaddy some day in a dark alley and puts a foot in that ass.
Melinda Solo/Empire State of Mind - Best thing she's done on the show. That’s not saying much. I still want her gone.
Bottom Three
Melinda is a given. Every week until she goes home. I would like to see Kent hit B3 this week, though I don't think he will. It would be a good reality check for him. The third spot could go to Ashley for continuing to be aggressively nondescript. Could be Adechike despite his best week ever for performing early and being good but not great. Maybe even Billy for being underwhelming with a great partner and in his own style.
Noodles, every week it's crazy hard to choose a B3 because no one is really bad or out of their depth. In fact, they're all really freakin' good, even the stank ones and the boring ones. So it's anyone's ballgame. For my money, they're all playing for the chance to be runner up to Alex Frikkin' Wong. He's a beast.
Your Presumptive Season 7 Champion
I enjoyed the introduction of the solos because most of the kids brought it, but what I’d really like to see is two dances per competitor from here on out. The group is small enough at this point and with two dances each week, we might get more same sex partners which would be amazing if all of the partnerships produced the high caliber of dance we got out of Alex and Twitch. Also, at the rate we’re going, we’ll have an all boys top 5 which might mean no more Mark from Hawai’i on my screen and the absence of Mark from my TV screen last night was my one great sadness of the episode. Whither Mark, noodles. Can you imagine a Mark/Alex contemporary piece? I KNOW!
Alex and Twitch/NappyTab/Hip Hop/Outta Your Mind - That was the shit. Alex Wong shut it down. He's so phenomenal, he even made sub par choreographers like NappyTab look like geniuses. I want Twitch and Alex to form a crew and compete on ABDC. I want Alex to join the League of Extraordinary Dancers and make that group even extraordinarier. Kiddies, Alex Wong is taking this show to a whole other level. He's just on another level so far above all these other kids it's kind of not fair. Alex Fucking Wong. There are no words.
Alex Solo/Rule of the Planet - Work, dammit! He is fierce.
Your Potential Season 7 Runners Up
But it wasn’t just all about Alex last night. Well, OK. Maybe it was all about Alex last night. But kittens, other kids were good, too. Unexpected kids were good. Of course, only a few have a reasonable chance to play second fiddle to Alex on this season’s finale extravaganza, and a couple of them weren’t even all that great last night. So let’s examine those lucky few, this band of brothers, who have the distinction of perhaps knowing what it feels like to be a heartbeat away from getting what you really, really want.
Billy and Kathryn/Stacey Tookey/Contemporary/Jar of Hearts – Billy was problematic last night, noodles. I wanted to like this routine so much more than I did. There were lovely moments in it. That one part where they were seated on the ground back to back and then they used each other's bodies and weight to roll up to a standing position? Magically delicious! But some of the lifts were shaky shaky. It's pretty clear that Billy hasn't done a lot of partnering. More than technique, as the judges pointed out, what lacked was connection. Connection to his partner. Connection to the story they were telling. The dance was technically proficient but kind of cold and clinical. So sad. I still love Billy, though. I mean, did you see his solo? Sadly, this is a show that focuses on dancing with a partner. And Billy has been slightly underwhelming at that aspect of things for three weeks running. I gave him a pass for week one because . . . Tyce. Enough said. Week two, another pass. Billy and Krump were never meant to live together harmoniously. But this week? After dancing in his own style with a phenomenal partner and still being slightly underwhelming and at the same time watching Alex destroy worlds while being just as far outside his comfort zone as Billy was last week? Darlings, I am running out of pitiful passes. Billy needs to come correct next week.
Billy Solo/Something Bigger, Something Better – I can’t front on the solo, though. Incredible. Ridiculous. Extension. Control. Passion. Abandon. Everything.
Kent and Allison/Mandy Moore/Jazz/Heartburn – First things first, kiddies. Mandy didn't use a cheesy 80's pop song? My world, it is all asunder. Just like last week, I didn't buy Kent at all in the piece. Hungry jazz face. Ha! I love Adam Shankman. Kent just came off very forced and false. His technique was on point, as usual, but the judges were right. It was very dance recital. On his part. Because Allison was serving. Sassy! Kent really needs to mature and fast. I think he’s working overtime to fill the mugging void left by Robert toning it down a couple of notches. Kent, no, baby! Some voids need to remain unfilled. On a side note, really TrannyHos? Last week, you put the baby in bondage gear. This week, he got a tux, OK, but the suspenders were on all crickywhackwhichaway making him look like the little ring bearer at his hot older brother’s fundie wedding to the Wapokeneta town virgin and the mom let the little ring bearer dress himself because she thought it was so cute and everyone smiles and “Awwws” and nods, but then the bride’s pictures come out looking ten ways busted because the kid’s suspenders are all out of whack and she has to spend the rest of her life with a fucked up wedding album even though that’s all she has to remember hot brother by after he’s left her for their pool boy because, much like Kent, don’t you just know that hot youth pastor brother is not so secretly gay? In other words, TrannyHos, step up your game.
Kent Solo/Down – When he lets go and does more dancing than mugging for the camera, he is joy. This kid just has a light inside him that's glorious. Even with the somewhat frenetic, floor routine style choreo in this solo.
Jose and Anya/Dmitri/Samba/Long Time – I kind of don’t believe at all that Jose has any chance in hell of copping the number two spot this season because honestly, kiddies, he is technically lacking in skills both inside and outside of his dance genre. However, Nigel does love him some street dancer vs. technical dancer drama, and this kid is another one who just has the “it” thing that people are always talking about. Charisma and charm for days. And in this routine, darlings, he was kind of “Wow.” I may have slightly loved it. Was it technically correct? Well, no. But Jose worked the shit out of it. He brought that Latin machismo and swagger to the table and he owned that dance. He connected with Anya. He was there for her. He was a strong, commanding lead. He was sexy as hell. I watched him as much as I watched her. So yeah, I loved it.
Jose Solo/Superbad – And here’s why he won’t make top 2. On the real, darlings, he's just not that great of a b-boy. When I think of the really awesome breakers they've had on the show . . . Dom and Gev and Legacy . . . Jose's nothing special compared to them.
Your Season 7 Dancers on the Come Up
This surprising group of dancers is really growing on me. After last night’s episode, I can say that I like them. I really, really like them. And for TBC, I must simply say strange. She’s turned me around faster than anyone ever on this show before. A little of that good old fashioned hating crept it’s way back in after viewing her technically proficient yet soullessly creepy solo, but mad props to her for turning it around in her last two partner dances. Since we’re already at it, let’s just start with her, shall we family?
Lauren and Neil/Joey Dowling/Jazz/Let Me Entertain You – Let the record show that was a great routine from Joey. Seriously, why do they let Tasty keep doing Broadway? It can be a lot of fun, witty and demanding and beautifully danced when it’s done correctly. Someone in production needs to just nut up and tell Tyce that he can’t do Broadway anymore. The bitch wasn’t even good enough to make it as second dancer to the left in the Broadway production of A Chorus Line so why do we think he’s good enough to choreograph in that style for this show for dancers of the caliber of the ones they have this season? Oh, we don’t? Well, then. Next, I gotta give it up to TBC for working it in spite of almost having a Janet level wardrobe malfunction. And overall? She kinda turned it out. Her technique was flawless as usual, and I feel like she continues to grow in her connection to her partners. I barely saw her playing to the audience or to the cameras at all. She was very there and present with Neil. And maybe she didn't 100% get there with the character, but I liked her more in this piece than I ever have.
Lauren Solo/Unchained Melody - Return of the hair flipping, inappropriately smiling TBC. Fantastic. So I can go back to hating on her now.
Adechike and Lauren/Dave Scott/Hip Hop/Hot 'n Fun – Kittens, you know I normally do not deal with the pre-dance interview packages, but I have to with Adechike because his idol is Desmond Richardson and he's the truth and I would do just about anything to have Desmond Richardson on my screen and be able to talk about Desmond Richardson. So Adechike’s dance inspiration is Desmond Richardson and that alone made him eligible for inclusion in this On the Come Up section. And lo and behold, the spirit of Desmond was with him last night because that's the best he's ever danced. It was a darling routine, noodles; intricate and fun. Adechike showed personality and spark for the first time ever. He hit hard when he needed to, smoothed it out as appropriate. He really got into the character, all Carlton Banks with a teeny bit of swag. Bonus points since he made me forget about Lauren almost completely. Good job.
Adechike Solo/Ruthless Gravity - Amazing. So grounded and fluid and powerful. That was a grown ass man dancing. Where has that dancer been all season? I think it was the best solo of the night, even better than Alex Fucking Wong. Adechike came to play, kiddies.
Your Season 7 Dancers Most Likely to Have Not Even Made the Tour in Any Other Normal Top 20 Season
Ashley and Ade/Dee Casperey/Contemporary/Cosmic Love – Noodles, enough with the contemporary for this girl. However, for a second, I thought they announced the choreographer as Diddy and had that been the case, this would've automatically been my favorite SYTYCD routine of all time. Alas, it wasn't Diddy. Still, decent routine. A little competition 101 hair flingy for me, but I thought it was danced beautifully. There were a couple of holds where Ashley had her legs held straight out in front of her or was on her belly with arched back that were crazy difficult and demanded great strength and control which she delivered. And the ending was gorgeous. She still doesn't really connect for me, but I can't deny she has a great quality of movement. It’s just that she’s so forgettable. For all that she has facility as a dancer, she has no personality or presence. Definitely a female Adechike before Adechike had his “Come to Jesus” moment. She either needs to get one of her own or get to stepping, no?
Ashley Solo/Royal T - She wasted the first 10 seconds standing around and the rest was a hair flinging, trick throwing nightmare.
Robert and Courtney/Sonya/Jazz/XXXO - Sonya has such a hard on for this kid, and I’ll admit that when the season started I wanted to love him, too. But as the weeks passed and he turned out to be a cheesy bastard who, while not a wholly unpleasant dancer, was revealed to have picked up some of the more unseemly traits of competition kids, well, I had to look at the evidence and give up on my early impressions. This kid is just not that good yet, which doesn’t mean he might not one day be good. He does know how to inhabit a character and really get the feel of a dance. (In that way and that way only is he akin to Mark. All other comparisons between this kid and Mark must cease and desist immediately, kittens. Like Mark? He only wishes he could bring the fabulous like that) However, when it comes to dance ability, Robert is just OK. I totally got what Mia and Shankdaddy were saying. He dances very light. Like lots of competition kids, he’s got flash and tricky dazzle, but there's not a lot of heft to him. The plié example, I thought, was kind of genius. Watch Robert's plié as opposed to Alex's plié. It's like Designer Imposters vs. Chanel No. 5. I was really impressed in that piece by Courtney, however. She tore it up.
Robert Solo/Hold You In My Arms - Now this? Darlings, this I loved. Talk about grounded! Just those few walks forward at the beginning? Heaven. That was really really good. He has potential this one. Just not all the way there yet.
Your Season 7 Cedric Memorial Shouldn’t Have Been Saved by the Judges Dancer
Do we have to, kiddies? Alright. Let’s deal with Not So Secret Stank. The bitch was bad and needs to go home. That’s all.
Melinda and Pasha/Fabian Sanchez/Salsa/Quimbara - Eewwwww. They do salsa the week after Cristina goes home? That’s foul. Shout out to the new choreographer. That was a difficult routine. He didn’t cut this couple much slack unlike some others who shall remain nameless but are often found shirtless and hot and Russian and may or may not at one time have been boy toys of one Miss Mary Murphy. Sadly, Melinda and Pasha didn’t rise to the challenge. That routine was sloppy from the jump. The last trick, the cartwheel flip, was labored and I believe they almost missed it. Sloppy feet. Sloppy arms. Hip action not great. Yick. A little heresy here? Pasha's not a great salsa dancer either. A little too stiff backed. Now that's not surprising as salsa is probably not a dance he does very often, let alone competes in. But it just made for a routine where I didn't really care to watch either one of them. Now Mia and Shankdaddy think they made a mistake keeping Not So Secret Stank over Cristina? Whatever. I hope Cristina meets up with both Mia and Shankdaddy some day in a dark alley and puts a foot in that ass.
Melinda Solo/Empire State of Mind - Best thing she's done on the show. That’s not saying much. I still want her gone.
Bottom Three
Melinda is a given. Every week until she goes home. I would like to see Kent hit B3 this week, though I don't think he will. It would be a good reality check for him. The third spot could go to Ashley for continuing to be aggressively nondescript. Could be Adechike despite his best week ever for performing early and being good but not great. Maybe even Billy for being underwhelming with a great partner and in his own style.
Noodles, every week it's crazy hard to choose a B3 because no one is really bad or out of their depth. In fact, they're all really freakin' good, even the stank ones and the boring ones. So it's anyone's ballgame. For my money, they're all playing for the chance to be runner up to Alex Frikkin' Wong. He's a beast.
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