Kittens, you see before you a broken woman. Or the words typed on a computer screen of a broken woman. Or something like that. My beautiful, beautiful show is killing me softly. I am going to give this little blog of mine that old college try, but seriously, I don’t get paid for this shit, so it’s gonna be hard unless they grow a whole crop of new contestants real, real fast. AI is killing me softly.
So anyway, previously on this show, lots of stuff happened. Most of it was bad or boring or both. Now we are at top 10 week of the semi-finals and the thing that really pulled me back in, Noodles. Irritation. Inchoate rage at Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. Darlings, why were we watching men last night? I railed against FP getting a medical pass on last season’s SYTYCD, so as much as I love Mamasox, I gotta say the same thing here. Play or go home. I dislike the flipping of boys for girls. I'm sorry Crystal Bowersox is so sick. Diabetes is a terrible thing. Ptui. Let us never speak it again. The show should have absolutely let her come back in next year at the top 12. But flipping the performance order for her was a dick move for every other contestant on this show not sporting white girl dreads. That’s a true fact, family.
We could all pretend that the dramatic shift caused the boys to have less rehearsal time, and thus more stress which in turn had an impact on last night’s performances, but kiddies, don’t we know better? Didn’t they suck just as much ass last week as this? They’re just straight up bad. (Do you think if we straight up enough, Ellen and Judge #4 will give it a rest with Andrew already?) So let’s get into it. In order of appearance, since no one was actually good.
Big Mike/This Is a Man's World/James Brown – I hated this song choice. This is the most non-song song of all times. He sounded good on it, but I hated, hated, hated this choice in every way I possibly could. You shouldn't sing this unless you are X-Tina, dressed in a blindingly white suit with platinum blonde hair at the Grammys smacking it up, flipping it, and rubbing it down. That was just boringly competent (like always with this one). The judges were way, way, way over the top in their praise. It was fine for what it was . . . a second rate impersonation of a second tier JB cut.
John Park/Gravity/John Mayer – Noodles, my first thought was honestly, “Can it be worse than last week?” Well, singing John Mayer was not a great start. Do you really want to bring up the Playboy interview controversy? I don't think so. And yick, this kid was flat, always a couple of ticks under the pitch, no? Not totally off, which was even worse because you could hear the note he was supposed to be hitting except not. And he doesn't have as much soul in his voice as John Mayer. And that is saying a lot about how much soul he lacks. Kittens, this fool is pretty, but he can go any time now. It's bad when the best the judges can say is that it was way better than last week since last week was abysmal.
Cowboy Casey/I Don't Want to Be/Gavin DeGraw - I enjoy this kid. I dislike this song. Oooh. Dilemma. Initially, I thought he'd do well with it, for what it's worth. But ewww. He started out all nasally up in his nasal. And then it just got worse and worse. The chorus on this song is so tricky. It's deceptively rangy and he was way off the pitch in the low notes. This song kicked his ass. Well, that was unexpected, kittens. And the Dawg wasted his judgery trying to sound edumacated about the music industry. I agreed with Ellen that he was stiff behind that guitar. And to top it all off, Judge #4 gave some real and relevant critiques (as she would do several times throughout the night). My world, it is all asunder.
Boy Unworthy to Wear the Last Name "Lambert"/Everybody Knows/John Legend – Darlings, he still can't sing. He still believes he has a great falsetto which he demonstrably does not. Please, take your ugly mullet and your white Keds and your too tight, too shiny pants with plaid jacket and just what the fuck and go. So much hate. I don't think I could hate him any more than I do. And to think we lost the cutie rocker for this fool. And is “unique style” some kind of code for got dressed in the dark? Because I just sincerely do not get it with this fool. Judge #4 should know that I'm not rooting for this kid. At all.
Il Divo/What's Love Got to Do With It/Tina Turner -Aww, poor, misguided Divo. You really think Paula "sang" while she was dancing? You hold up Paula as an artist to emulate? Oh no, baby! No. And this kid has listened to waaayyy too much 99.8 KKBT, the Beat. Let this be a lesson, darlings. Not every song should be a run filled, R&B fiesta. But the really sad thing is that this kid does not have a bad voice. In fact, he has a very good voice. Why he feels the need to cram every single vocal trick into a song is anyone’s guess. Noodles, it was so bad that this fool made me agree with the Dawg. When is the last time that happened? Exactly. How I wish he’d just get up and sing a song straight. Wait. Scratch that, kiddies. Simon's right. Il Divo needs to go back to back up dancing for ‘Tasia on Broadway because he's wrong for this show on every level.
Jermaine Sellers/What's Going On/Marvin Gaye - OK, you want to sound current so you pick a 70's soul protest song? And then you sing it flat and under the pitch? Hmmm. Let me see. Young, current, hip, radio ready? Hell to the naw. And the voice is nails on a chalk board, darlings. He never found the notes. And way too many vocal gymnastics. Again. Some more. And he gave Judge #4 the chance to say something else relevant. What the hell? Kittens, I fear this kid just doesn't get it. Here are a few home truths for him. Truth #1: God is in the tub. Truth #2: Church singers can actually blow. You can't. Despite what your podunk, corner church might have told you. Truth #3: Every black church has that kid who grew up in the choir and had a lovely instrument before puberty hit and the voice changed and now he has some of the tools and tricks he learned from the choir director and he can kind of sing and the old ladies cluck cluck over him, "Baaabbbyy. You just have such a beautiful voice. Beautiful. Gawd has touched you, for sure." Don't believe it. That is true only within the confines of said podunk corner church. The more you know, kiddies.
Andrew Garcia/You Give Me Something/James Morrison - Oh my heavens. Kiddies, I didn't think I could love this little cholo kid any more than I do, but now that I know he can bust a move? I love him even more! Maybe after this show, he can go join Heavy Impact from ABDC. That would be awesome. Kittens, this cholo ex-banger is magic. He must lose the Michael Johns-ian scarf, though. That is a no-no. And truth? Kid can blow. The first part of the song was hot. He kind of fell apart on the chorus, there. Got off the note and he never really found it again. The back half of that song was a hot mess. And still, like Ellen, I love this kid. He's one of the few with natural charisma and star power.
D'Archie 2.0/My Girl/The Temptations - OK, why would you do a Temptations song before Motown Week? It's a guaranteed cheese fest. And he did the vibrato filled, country fried version? Sigh. Well, he was on pitch, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of tonight's contestants. So there's that, right? Sigh. But now what's he gonna do during Motown Week? (Cause, darlings, this kid is so making top 12) Simon was once again the only one telling the truth. Dewdrop was corny last night, but he's got a decent voice and he could be better than he is.
Crappy Replacement Boy/Come On Get Higher/Matt Nathanson – Another VH1 easy listening slow jam. Another quasi-mullet, bowl cut dude. White boys of America, what the fuck on the haircuts? Was there a fire sale on Flowbees and James Blunt sheet music somewhere? This kid is the most milquetoast, bland kid I've ever seen. Does anything about him say star? Does anything about him even say high school talent show contest winner? Rachel and Kurt on Glee would gut this chump like a fish and feast on his liver. Good grief. Darlings, he's a non-entity.
Lee Dewyze/Lips of an Angel/Hinder - Take off that hat, Mr. Nice Guy. Immediately. Or I can no longer kind of, sort of, just a teensy bit be starting to like you. He seems genuine and like he might have a lick of talent. But the song choice. Oh, noodles, the song choice. What happened? Nickelback couldn't clear? I hate this frikkin' song. And kiddies why was he under the pitch? Again! Was there something going on with the audio in the studio? Because almost every single contestant last night was under. And let me just state for the record, not being on pitch does, in fact, matter, AI judges. It matters a lot in a singing competition to be on pitch.
Going Home
Who knows, kittens? Who cares? They could all go except Andrew, Cowboy Casey and Lee, who’s sliding in on potential more than anything else. I’ll lay odds that at least one of the two black boys sticks around. Which one? Does it matter? The other one will go. And I’ll lay odds that at least one of the two mulleted white boys will stick around. Which one? Does it matter? The other one will go. John Park might also slide in as the other boot-ee. (He’s thisclose to rocking a mullet his damn self, so should he be gone, I’ll count that in my “win” column)
I’ll let the words of Sinead be my guide. I have to forget about last season. I have to forget that there were the highest highs (the Honeydip and Manic Panic and my Glitterbomb Boy/Girl Alien Sex God) and the lowest lows (Tattoo Sleeve and Frikkin’ Gokey). I must leave them to the past in order for my love for the show that bore them to survive. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, darlings, but I'll try to soldier on. Cue the world's tiniest violin.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
American Idol S9 Ep3 The Obama Effect
My kind of town? Chicago most definitely is not, Kittens. Chi-town turned out to be one humongous vat of suck, with a horrid to good audition ratio of all of them :: 1. Noodles, thank all the gods for Angela Martin and her pretty purple dress because otherwise, Oprah’s backyard was rolling snake eyes. Blame the Obama administration, no? Seems to be the thing to do. Lost a practically un-loseable election through sheer hubris and lack of moxie? Obama. Didn’t make Idol due to the fact that you are massively untalented and delusional? Obama. Make a sudden and ill advised decision that you make any kind of sense and attempt to insert your unwanted babbling into every occasion, Judge #4? Obama. Him and his negro dialect. Anyway, Chicago auditions were horrible and it’s barely worth our time, but I’m a completist, darlings, so let’s get it over with because the whole thing stinks like day old fish.
A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'
Barak Obama
Angela Martin – "Huh. It works. It makes sense." Thank you, Mr. President. See, noodles? It’s really not that hard. Well, I mean, poor Angela’s life is hard. A baby who is some kind of afflicted with something, tragic father’s death, and of course she’s apparently a criminal with warrants so serious that they forced her to leave the competition. (And I’m sorry, but how many people get warrants that bad for a simple speeding ticket? Exactly? Angela looks like she knows what’s what. I’m not buying it) But alright, fine, the girl is a tragedy magnet. I don’t need to care about all that. You know why, kiddies? Of course you do. Your mamas didn’t raise no fools. Nobody gives a shit about all that because the girl can flat out blow. She’s pretty enough to put in Judge #4’s package and she has enough talent to make Simon get the dollar sign eyes and give her the Fantasia flirt. As Mr. Cowell said, she’s just good. And Ryan was so incredibly cute with her family. Sister girl does love his black queens. Sad that it took us almost half the show’s running time to get to the only truly good audition of the night, right?
The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.
Barak Obama
There was so much bad on display, kiddies. And not even interesting bad. Just ass out, ugly bad. Fat girl splits bad. White pants and suspenders wearing, no tears having bad. Delusional girls comparing themselves to JHud bad. More clueless losers than at a Michael Steele/Harold Ford, Jr. press junket bad. WTF, Chicago? Holy hell. The Dawg just about summed it up when he noted ruefully, “You shouldn’t even be doing that.” That goes for most of you, Chicago. I see you and I heartily disapprove.
Amy Lang – Not every Broadway kid can be Adam Lambert. I was exhausted by this girl just from watching her do the splits. And by the way, what is the fascination with contestants doing the splits this season? Must we see someone do the splits every episode? Once we make it to the Kodak, will they just have random audience members come up and do the splits each week if no one in the cast can pull it off or if the designated splitter gets sent home early? Seriously. No more splits. But I digress. The request at the end to get a second chance so that she could be serious? It was too late for that when she got up in the morning and put on that outfit. Next, please.
Curly Newburn – This Woman’s Work. I refuse to deal with any black man wearing that much white linen not named Billy Ocean.
Alannah Halbert – Someone should’ve bought Shania a clue on how to deal with the crap, fake auditioner. You don’t provide context clues. You cut, quick, hard and to the bone.
Brian Krause – Looked insane. War? What is it good for, darlings? Oh also, he’s a total bullshitter and I refuse.
Harold Davis – I don’t think so. Kittens, He was a joke before he even opened his mouth. Dressed like the good humor man. Wow. He was working with a lot.
Chicago, what the holy hell?
We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent
Barak Obama
Family, this is season 9 and I’m getting worried. I know, I say this every year. I remember KC from last early round auditions. But seriously, this is the best of the best in a big city like Chicago? This warmed over pabulum? This barely not bad enough to be mediocre is supposed to provide enough talent to fill up a top 24? Honestly. Half of these kids, if they worked at it a little bit, could be tons better than they are. What happened for striving for excellence? Darlings, this bunch is turning me crotchety. Well, crotchety-er. Get offa my lawn, Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. And take these dogs with you.
Katelyn Epperly – I was bored by this girl and thus, needed to distract myself with some amusing questions and asides. Kittens, why does she have a growth in the middle of her forehead? Is she related to the goat-voiced vibrato boy? And were they trying to drum up sympathy because that girl’s parents got divorced? What is this, a 1973 after school special? And oh my god, she can’t sing. It was like an atonal nightmare. Yes, Shania, unique if by that you mean atonal. Ewww.
Charity Vance – Let’s see. 16. Blonde. Country. I hate her already. Noodles, was there ever any doubt she’d get in. This one is another Colonel in the making. . Summertime as sung by the Chipmunks? Lady Day should come back and bitch slap her into the middle of next week. And then Nina Simone should bury her 6 feet under. Small voice? Better qualities? What better qualities, Shania? On record, they could auto-tune the hell out of her voice, so of course she’d sound great on a record. Tell that to anyone who’s ever wasted money on Katy Perry live. This whole audition would’ve been garbage except for the fact that the production minions busted out the Family Ties theme song. Well played, minions. Well played.
John Park – Oh great, it’s the affirmative action Idol. Kittens, let’s not pretend that he made Hollywood week for any other reason than that they never have Asians on Idol. And here they finally have an Asian; he’s hot; he can kind of carry a tune. This fool was making it at least to Hollywood. Shame he doesn’t really sing well.
Paige Dechausse – Out of this whole sorry lot, I suppose she’s the one with a glimmer of a hint of potential to not be abysmal. Good tone to her voice, even if she was a tad over-ornamented. And seriously, darlings, what is with the kids not knowing the words to their auditions songs this early in the season. It’s your audition song. You’ve had your entire life to practice it. It’s A Change Is Gonna Come. That’s an iconic song. Sung on the Idol stage as recently as last season. Learn the damn words. But I love Grandma Roxy and her peroxide cloud. I wanna hang with Gramma Roxy and eat at some diner of the turnpike. We could do some damage.
Justin Ray was just screaming. Keith Sample was kind of turning it out on Richard Marx’ Heaven but he looked like a crazy tool. And Marcus Jones was way too ornamented on I’ll Be, AKA that song Played Out Idol Anthem #5. And all of them got through. Damn.
Why can't I just eat my waffle?
Barak Obama
The Chicago auditions were terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. I can see why they only made it an hour. And next stop is Orlando, boy band capital of the world. Joy. Noodles, is it just me? Have I lost that loving feeling when it comes to our favorite pop culture obsession? Or have the audition rounds really been just that barren of real talent? Time will tell, and we didn’t see even half of the golden tickets given out in the Windy City, so there’s always a chance that the show is just secreting all the good ones away for Hollywood Week and Ellen. But really, all I want is a few more good ones to make the bad ones go down more easily. I don’t want to endure the show. I want to enjoy it. Is that to much to ask, kittens? I think you know the answer to that.
A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'
Barak Obama
Angela Martin – "Huh. It works. It makes sense." Thank you, Mr. President. See, noodles? It’s really not that hard. Well, I mean, poor Angela’s life is hard. A baby who is some kind of afflicted with something, tragic father’s death, and of course she’s apparently a criminal with warrants so serious that they forced her to leave the competition. (And I’m sorry, but how many people get warrants that bad for a simple speeding ticket? Exactly? Angela looks like she knows what’s what. I’m not buying it) But alright, fine, the girl is a tragedy magnet. I don’t need to care about all that. You know why, kiddies? Of course you do. Your mamas didn’t raise no fools. Nobody gives a shit about all that because the girl can flat out blow. She’s pretty enough to put in Judge #4’s package and she has enough talent to make Simon get the dollar sign eyes and give her the Fantasia flirt. As Mr. Cowell said, she’s just good. And Ryan was so incredibly cute with her family. Sister girl does love his black queens. Sad that it took us almost half the show’s running time to get to the only truly good audition of the night, right?
The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.
Barak Obama
There was so much bad on display, kiddies. And not even interesting bad. Just ass out, ugly bad. Fat girl splits bad. White pants and suspenders wearing, no tears having bad. Delusional girls comparing themselves to JHud bad. More clueless losers than at a Michael Steele/Harold Ford, Jr. press junket bad. WTF, Chicago? Holy hell. The Dawg just about summed it up when he noted ruefully, “You shouldn’t even be doing that.” That goes for most of you, Chicago. I see you and I heartily disapprove.
Amy Lang – Not every Broadway kid can be Adam Lambert. I was exhausted by this girl just from watching her do the splits. And by the way, what is the fascination with contestants doing the splits this season? Must we see someone do the splits every episode? Once we make it to the Kodak, will they just have random audience members come up and do the splits each week if no one in the cast can pull it off or if the designated splitter gets sent home early? Seriously. No more splits. But I digress. The request at the end to get a second chance so that she could be serious? It was too late for that when she got up in the morning and put on that outfit. Next, please.
Curly Newburn – This Woman’s Work. I refuse to deal with any black man wearing that much white linen not named Billy Ocean.
Alannah Halbert – Someone should’ve bought Shania a clue on how to deal with the crap, fake auditioner. You don’t provide context clues. You cut, quick, hard and to the bone.
Brian Krause – Looked insane. War? What is it good for, darlings? Oh also, he’s a total bullshitter and I refuse.
Harold Davis – I don’t think so. Kittens, He was a joke before he even opened his mouth. Dressed like the good humor man. Wow. He was working with a lot.
Chicago, what the holy hell?
We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent
Barak Obama
Family, this is season 9 and I’m getting worried. I know, I say this every year. I remember KC from last early round auditions. But seriously, this is the best of the best in a big city like Chicago? This warmed over pabulum? This barely not bad enough to be mediocre is supposed to provide enough talent to fill up a top 24? Honestly. Half of these kids, if they worked at it a little bit, could be tons better than they are. What happened for striving for excellence? Darlings, this bunch is turning me crotchety. Well, crotchety-er. Get offa my lawn, Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. And take these dogs with you.
Katelyn Epperly – I was bored by this girl and thus, needed to distract myself with some amusing questions and asides. Kittens, why does she have a growth in the middle of her forehead? Is she related to the goat-voiced vibrato boy? And were they trying to drum up sympathy because that girl’s parents got divorced? What is this, a 1973 after school special? And oh my god, she can’t sing. It was like an atonal nightmare. Yes, Shania, unique if by that you mean atonal. Ewww.
Charity Vance – Let’s see. 16. Blonde. Country. I hate her already. Noodles, was there ever any doubt she’d get in. This one is another Colonel in the making. . Summertime as sung by the Chipmunks? Lady Day should come back and bitch slap her into the middle of next week. And then Nina Simone should bury her 6 feet under. Small voice? Better qualities? What better qualities, Shania? On record, they could auto-tune the hell out of her voice, so of course she’d sound great on a record. Tell that to anyone who’s ever wasted money on Katy Perry live. This whole audition would’ve been garbage except for the fact that the production minions busted out the Family Ties theme song. Well played, minions. Well played.
John Park – Oh great, it’s the affirmative action Idol. Kittens, let’s not pretend that he made Hollywood week for any other reason than that they never have Asians on Idol. And here they finally have an Asian; he’s hot; he can kind of carry a tune. This fool was making it at least to Hollywood. Shame he doesn’t really sing well.
Paige Dechausse – Out of this whole sorry lot, I suppose she’s the one with a glimmer of a hint of potential to not be abysmal. Good tone to her voice, even if she was a tad over-ornamented. And seriously, darlings, what is with the kids not knowing the words to their auditions songs this early in the season. It’s your audition song. You’ve had your entire life to practice it. It’s A Change Is Gonna Come. That’s an iconic song. Sung on the Idol stage as recently as last season. Learn the damn words. But I love Grandma Roxy and her peroxide cloud. I wanna hang with Gramma Roxy and eat at some diner of the turnpike. We could do some damage.
Justin Ray was just screaming. Keith Sample was kind of turning it out on Richard Marx’ Heaven but he looked like a crazy tool. And Marcus Jones was way too ornamented on I’ll Be, AKA that song Played Out Idol Anthem #5. And all of them got through. Damn.
Why can't I just eat my waffle?
Barak Obama
The Chicago auditions were terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. I can see why they only made it an hour. And next stop is Orlando, boy band capital of the world. Joy. Noodles, is it just me? Have I lost that loving feeling when it comes to our favorite pop culture obsession? Or have the audition rounds really been just that barren of real talent? Time will tell, and we didn’t see even half of the golden tickets given out in the Windy City, so there’s always a chance that the show is just secreting all the good ones away for Hollywood Week and Ellen. But really, all I want is a few more good ones to make the bad ones go down more easily. I don’t want to endure the show. I want to enjoy it. Is that to much to ask, kittens? I think you know the answer to that.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
American Idol S9 Ep2 Like a Cat Barking
I forgive all. Ryan Seacrest in lumberjack plaid. Photos of pudgy, teen Ryan. Not one, not two, not three, but four loser montages. Girls dressed like guitars that make it through to Hollywood. Elder abuse. I can even get over the 4-1-1, Hot-lanta. Because you have given a gift with a price above rubies. The gift of Mary J. Best guest judge ever? Kittens, who could dare doubt it? She did what all of us long to do . . . laugh in these delusional fools’ faces. Noodles, her giggle fits were things of beauty. The way she wrinkled her nose and hated all over Pickle 2.0. Just the general stank face as only a down sister can deliver it. Being ready to duck when crazy pops off. Mary J was everything last night. Can we please keep her? I’ll give up Simon and two Ellens. (Though, Kittens how cute was Simon with Mary J? So, so cute!)
Also, there were some auditions. Let’s chat about that, shall we?
Dewone Robinson – Whose ‘fro is not of the lord. Darlings, did we even need to know that he was going to be singing an original composition to be certain that he would be terrible? The high waisted pants were a dead giveaway. So anyway, Dewone, whose parents cursed him from birth to be ridiculous by yoking him to that horrific moniker, graced the judges panel with his rendition of Lady, We’re Not Together Anymore in three rounds all sung by Dewone. And it was horrific from the very first “lay-t”. But we did get the very first of many Mary J “What the fuck?” faces of the night, so some good came of it all.
Keia Johnson – Should have been disqualified just for those pants alone. Also, for not knowing the name of the Titanic song. Really, Keia? You didn’t learn it the billion and seven times it was on the radio for years and years on end nor have you learned it any of the five million times candidates have sung the song on Idol over the past nine seasons? OK. So, she had a good voice. And she took it like a champ as Simon basically called her ugly. I’m glad she got through. I hope she went home and burned those pants, though.
Miriam Lemounoni – I love The Climb and believe it may be the only good thing to ever come out of Clan Cyrus and I suppose this girl sang it well. She either needs to get kicked off on day one of Hollywood Week or hang around long enough to make me care about learning how to spell her last name. I’ll just be annoyed with anything else.
Sophia Missed the Last Name – Was ugly as sin, but she can sing. What can I say, kiddies? I know this is thin gruel, but I think at this time I was still blinded by Keia’s neon yellow leggings.
Jermaine Sellers – Is a cutie patootie. Darlings, he served on that rendition of One of Us. It was inspired. Sanctified. Anointed, as Mary J noted. I really enjoyed this kid. He can blow. He may fall into the trap of going riff happy, but if he can deliver on those runs as well as he did on this song, I might be able to stand it. And he’s got a back story that America will eat up with a spoon. This skinny choirboy could go far.
Christie Marie Agronow is a narcissistic psycho and I refuse. And that’s the 4-1-1, noodles.
Vanessa Wolf – Good lord, how I loved this little Deliverance girl. If the whole her of her weren’t so horrible that no one could even dream it up, I’d swear that she was a phony or a plant. And I loved how sweet the judges were with her, especially Simon. Her rendition of Wagon Wheel was so good that I now want to go and listen to this song which I had never heard of before last night. Kittens, I fear that Hollywood, and most specifically this wicked machine we call AI, will break this girl in ways that even someone as mean spirited as I am not ready for. I almost don’t even want her to make the show. Maybe it will be enough that she gets to ride for the first time in an aero plane.
Jesse Hamilton – Darlings, I fucking love this show’s black, evil heart. The dramatic re-enactment of the life and times of Mr. Unlucky? The fact that Mary J could not hold her shit together here and straight up broke down in tears laughing in this country bumpkin’s face. The spectacle of the Dawg feeding If Tomorrow Never Comes to this kid when the judges knew full well that he couldn’t sing and he would never get through. Family, it was all so wrong . . . and yet so, so right. Now that’s the kind of bad audition that satisfies.
Holly the Human Guitar – Mary J haaaattteeed her. Because, of course, Mary J is a truly talented singer and she could smell the Pickle style bullshit coming off this girl in desperate waves. No amount of chicanery can mask the fact that her version of You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man was just a notch above adequate and the other three put her through because they understand and buy in to the myth that this show is pushing that you or I or other karaoke warriors might be the next American Idol, which we all know will never, ever happen but we don’t say in order to keep in tact the unspoken compact we have going to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. But Mary J is better than that. So she said no. The others, who long ago sold their souls for 8 pieces of silver, said yes, and voila. Pickle 2.0 is born. We get the contestants we deserve, kiddies.
Mallory Hale – I automatically hate anyone who sings Piece of My Heart on this show. I don’t care that Mary J thinks she’s dope. Nothing will convince me that blonde and big boobs didn’t land her a spot in Hollywood Week. Noodles, where would I be if I actually agreed with any judge, even one as fabulous as the Queen of R&B Soul, on everything? Perish the thought.
Antonio AKA Skiblowski – I hate him and everything about him except on the real? This fool can blow. His rendition of Heard It Through the Grapevine was fire. After all the bad singing and bad acting cretins the judges have put through over the years for sheer spectacle, Simon ought to be ashamed that he wanted to cut this kid, who can actually flat out sing, just for being an obnoxious asshat. No one will ever vote for this clown, so he’ll never make the show, but kittens, he should. And much like Lamar, who will lose his ever loving mind in a minute, this kid will never understand why people hate him.
Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders are scary, grown up JonBenet’s and Carmen is a loud is the new good. Neither of these girls will ever make this show, just as Simon noted, and I refuse.
Bryan Walker – A singing everyman. OK. Kittens, I guess we need one ever season, don’t we? He’s fine, if you like that sort of thing. And if you can get past the fact that he looks like a grown up Chicken Little. He’s surely not your next American Idol, but that’s not what this round’s all about, no? He has a good voice with a nice tone. He can’t do everything with it that he thinks he can, which he’ll find out soon enough, but he’s good early round fodder.
Lamar Royal showed his whole entire ass to a salivating nation and I refuse.
Larry Platt – Whoops, I mean General Larry Platt. Sigh. Noodles, we’ll now spend the next six months Reliving Pants on the Ground, which was not nearly amusing as either Mary J or the show thinks it was.
And we were out. Bye, Mary J. Loved you, girl. Please come back real soon.
Next up it’s that toddlin’ town. After two rounds of audition cities, I still only really love Katie, who’s bound to break my heart. On the bright side, there are only a few on to Hollywood that I actively hate. So on balance, we’re off to a good start, family. Next stop, Shania.
Also, there were some auditions. Let’s chat about that, shall we?
Dewone Robinson – Whose ‘fro is not of the lord. Darlings, did we even need to know that he was going to be singing an original composition to be certain that he would be terrible? The high waisted pants were a dead giveaway. So anyway, Dewone, whose parents cursed him from birth to be ridiculous by yoking him to that horrific moniker, graced the judges panel with his rendition of Lady, We’re Not Together Anymore in three rounds all sung by Dewone. And it was horrific from the very first “lay-t”. But we did get the very first of many Mary J “What the fuck?” faces of the night, so some good came of it all.
Keia Johnson – Should have been disqualified just for those pants alone. Also, for not knowing the name of the Titanic song. Really, Keia? You didn’t learn it the billion and seven times it was on the radio for years and years on end nor have you learned it any of the five million times candidates have sung the song on Idol over the past nine seasons? OK. So, she had a good voice. And she took it like a champ as Simon basically called her ugly. I’m glad she got through. I hope she went home and burned those pants, though.
Miriam Lemounoni – I love The Climb and believe it may be the only good thing to ever come out of Clan Cyrus and I suppose this girl sang it well. She either needs to get kicked off on day one of Hollywood Week or hang around long enough to make me care about learning how to spell her last name. I’ll just be annoyed with anything else.
Sophia Missed the Last Name – Was ugly as sin, but she can sing. What can I say, kiddies? I know this is thin gruel, but I think at this time I was still blinded by Keia’s neon yellow leggings.
Jermaine Sellers – Is a cutie patootie. Darlings, he served on that rendition of One of Us. It was inspired. Sanctified. Anointed, as Mary J noted. I really enjoyed this kid. He can blow. He may fall into the trap of going riff happy, but if he can deliver on those runs as well as he did on this song, I might be able to stand it. And he’s got a back story that America will eat up with a spoon. This skinny choirboy could go far.
Christie Marie Agronow is a narcissistic psycho and I refuse. And that’s the 4-1-1, noodles.
Vanessa Wolf – Good lord, how I loved this little Deliverance girl. If the whole her of her weren’t so horrible that no one could even dream it up, I’d swear that she was a phony or a plant. And I loved how sweet the judges were with her, especially Simon. Her rendition of Wagon Wheel was so good that I now want to go and listen to this song which I had never heard of before last night. Kittens, I fear that Hollywood, and most specifically this wicked machine we call AI, will break this girl in ways that even someone as mean spirited as I am not ready for. I almost don’t even want her to make the show. Maybe it will be enough that she gets to ride for the first time in an aero plane.
Jesse Hamilton – Darlings, I fucking love this show’s black, evil heart. The dramatic re-enactment of the life and times of Mr. Unlucky? The fact that Mary J could not hold her shit together here and straight up broke down in tears laughing in this country bumpkin’s face. The spectacle of the Dawg feeding If Tomorrow Never Comes to this kid when the judges knew full well that he couldn’t sing and he would never get through. Family, it was all so wrong . . . and yet so, so right. Now that’s the kind of bad audition that satisfies.
Holly the Human Guitar – Mary J haaaattteeed her. Because, of course, Mary J is a truly talented singer and she could smell the Pickle style bullshit coming off this girl in desperate waves. No amount of chicanery can mask the fact that her version of You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man was just a notch above adequate and the other three put her through because they understand and buy in to the myth that this show is pushing that you or I or other karaoke warriors might be the next American Idol, which we all know will never, ever happen but we don’t say in order to keep in tact the unspoken compact we have going to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. But Mary J is better than that. So she said no. The others, who long ago sold their souls for 8 pieces of silver, said yes, and voila. Pickle 2.0 is born. We get the contestants we deserve, kiddies.
Mallory Hale – I automatically hate anyone who sings Piece of My Heart on this show. I don’t care that Mary J thinks she’s dope. Nothing will convince me that blonde and big boobs didn’t land her a spot in Hollywood Week. Noodles, where would I be if I actually agreed with any judge, even one as fabulous as the Queen of R&B Soul, on everything? Perish the thought.
Antonio AKA Skiblowski – I hate him and everything about him except on the real? This fool can blow. His rendition of Heard It Through the Grapevine was fire. After all the bad singing and bad acting cretins the judges have put through over the years for sheer spectacle, Simon ought to be ashamed that he wanted to cut this kid, who can actually flat out sing, just for being an obnoxious asshat. No one will ever vote for this clown, so he’ll never make the show, but kittens, he should. And much like Lamar, who will lose his ever loving mind in a minute, this kid will never understand why people hate him.
Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders are scary, grown up JonBenet’s and Carmen is a loud is the new good. Neither of these girls will ever make this show, just as Simon noted, and I refuse.
Bryan Walker – A singing everyman. OK. Kittens, I guess we need one ever season, don’t we? He’s fine, if you like that sort of thing. And if you can get past the fact that he looks like a grown up Chicken Little. He’s surely not your next American Idol, but that’s not what this round’s all about, no? He has a good voice with a nice tone. He can’t do everything with it that he thinks he can, which he’ll find out soon enough, but he’s good early round fodder.
Lamar Royal showed his whole entire ass to a salivating nation and I refuse.
Larry Platt – Whoops, I mean General Larry Platt. Sigh. Noodles, we’ll now spend the next six months Reliving Pants on the Ground, which was not nearly amusing as either Mary J or the show thinks it was.
And we were out. Bye, Mary J. Loved you, girl. Please come back real soon.
Next up it’s that toddlin’ town. After two rounds of audition cities, I still only really love Katie, who’s bound to break my heart. On the bright side, there are only a few on to Hollywood that I actively hate. So on balance, we’re off to a good start, family. Next stop, Shania.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
American Idol S9 Ep1 Farewell to All That
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Kittens, so it begins. No Paula. Soon to be no Simon. Ryan is dressed like the worlds most tidily groomed homeless person. (Whither the bespoke suits?) And for some inexplicable reason, Judge #4 is still alive and kicking. But hey, Randy is useless and Posh looked twelve different flavors of emaciated and crazy, so it’s good to know that some things never change. I’ve wailed and gnashed my teeth with the best of them as Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz have attempted to destroy everything good and decent about this show, but you know what, noodles? The bitches got me again. How can I hold out against the Portuguese speaking, Alzheimer’s granny who looks like a frailer Sophia Petrillo and just wants to see her granddaughter sing on the Kodak Theater stage before she loses her whole entire mind and turns into a drooling, tapioca pooping shadow of her former self, especially when the girl in question can flat out blow and turns in a rendition of At Last that was better than Beyonce’s Inauguration Ball performance by several clicks and said girl made me plum forget how much I abhor 16 year olds on AI? I KNOW! How do they do it, noodles? It’s elementary. No matter what drama is going on As the Judges Turn, this show is, at its root, about the kids. (If only Judge #4 could get that through all the peanut butter between her ears she’d be so much less heinous than she is) And as soon as the kids start making it do what it do, this show is magic, kiddies. Magic. Sit back, relax and prepare to have your heart stomped for the next several weeks. Our favorite dysfunctional family is doing it to it. And doing it like it should be done. Let’s saddle up.
Boston, Massachusetts
I’m going to blame everyone’s bad fashion on the hated Boston Celtics. Kara DioIstillsucktremendousamountsofass being the first judge on my TV? Fail. Simon’s man boobs clinging to that tight white t-shirt? Fail. Ryan Seacrest in jeans and a t-shirt? Epic fail. Posh weighing in at half a pound with water wings on her hips and a crazy lace schmatta tied around her head? Well, that was kind of awesome, but in the abstract? Fail. Who else to blame but the Celtics? Oh, and they made it rain, too.
Janet McNamara is a famewhore and a fake ass faker and I refuse. Her only redeeming quality is that she had no idea who Judge #4 was and kept calling her Paula. Whee!
Maddy Curtis – Is 16 and is trailing three Down’s syndrome brothers behind her which is unfortunate and pretty much marks her as exactly the kind of contestant that I will hate on site. And yet, she did a decent job with Hallelujah. She has a pleasant voice, I suppose. Nothing to write home about. And heaven knows she needs styling more than any person on the planet. The Downs boys dressed her, don’t you think? How else to explain the camel toe shorts and the Birkenstocks and the ratty-tatty hair? I kind of hope she makes the show just so the trannyhos can get their hands on her. They can hardly do worse, no? Eh, she’s not your next American Idol, but she’ll make decent cannon fodder.
Pat Ford – Was the best thing ever on this show. Famewhores, take note. That is how it’s motherfucking done. If he’d been able to sing even a little bit at all, he’d have won this whole show. Darlings, he broke it the hell on down on Womanizer. Did you check the choreography? I love this kid. I want him to come to my home and watch Idol with me. We will snark and be fabulous together and he can teach me that better than Brittany combo. Seriously, Pat Ford. Hit me up. I want to get to know ya.
Jennifer Hirsch, some girl in Blue, and Jesse Wolf – One of these things is not like the others, no? Jennifer can sing her butt off and her audition choice of Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead was inspired. Love her. Blue girl and Jesse Wolf could not really sing. And in the case of Jesse, make that could not sing even a little bit. Jesse, you’re just that good that you can riff all over People Get Ready? Because you’ve got it like that? Bitch, please. Find the melody first and then come back and talk to me. Yick. That’s another Tattoo Sleeve in the making right there.
Amadeo DiRicco – Hoochie Coochie Man? What? That Italian white boy blew the doors off on that song. Muddy Waters rose up out of his grave to give him some dap. I suspect that this one is going to break my heart, much like He Man Oilman did last year, by being that guy that everyone thinks can really sing, but can’t really sing. He can only sing in relation to how well everyone else you know can sing. But for now, I enjoyed the hell out of this dude. Noodles, I love when contestants surprise me this deep into this predictable show. Simon also dug this dude and I love it when Mr. Cowell’s cynicism cracks just a little bit and he gets excited about an auditioner. And though I fear the Sopranos clichés and I fear for my poor pocket gays continued health and safety around all those big burly men, on the whole, I’m happy to see Amadeo move on. I hope he can bring it like that on other songs.
Derek Hilton – Is in desperate need of some Pro-Activ. Call JSimp. She can hook you up and she’s not too busy just lately. And “I hit really loud notes”? Dammit, kids. Loud is not the new good, all evidence from AI to the contrary. No wonder top 40 radio is unadulterated crap. Hitting notes really loud does not equal good singing. Please trust that this is so. Kiddies, must we learn this lesson anew every single season. Also, never, never reference Chris Brown and his ability to “touch people”. Seriously. Ever. I mean, really? This child has no home training.
Mary Doyle is a famewhore and a fake ass faker who can’t even muster some crocodile tears for the cameras and I refuse.
Luke Shaffer – And Paula just came on her couch, darlings. Was there ever any doubt that this kid was gonna get through despite his somewhat mediocre vocal stylings? Judge #4 wanted to do him on the judges’ table. I’m sure Posh would’ve joined in if her bones weren’t so brittle. Eh, whatever. He’s pretty wallpaper at this stage.
Benjamin Bright – On the other hand, kittens, this kid has a really pretty voice. Too bad he’s pudgy and kind of blah. Maybe with different hair? Nah. I wish him the best, but I don’t see him going very far, do you? I mean, I’ve already forgotten what he sang.
Andrew Fenlon is another fake ass faker which came back to bite him in the ass when it turned out that he had an incredibly beautiful voice. Family, he shut it down with that version of House of the Rising Sun. He was killing it. And because he came in talking all that yang, he wound up getting dissed and dismissed by Posh and Judge #4. Oh, the humanity!
Bill Bloom, Michael Ryan, what the fuck is wrong with y’all? Adam Lambert is not every gay theater boy and not every gay theater boy is Adam Lambert.
Ashley Rodriguez – Was definitely going to get through due to Judge #4 and her love affair with “package artists” AKA pretty people who can’t really sing but that’s OK because their voices can be autotuned beyond recognition and then their albums can be sold because they are pretty. And of course Posh loved her because she was her 10 years and 100 pounds ago. So anyway, she’s not terrible. If I Ain’t Got You was way too big for her. She could reach top 12 where she’d get promptly Scarnato’ed or she could be out day one during Hollywood Week. Time will tell.
Tyler Brady – Has that whole skinny, white rocker boy sexy thing going on. I was grooving on it. And he can sing, though he chose the absolutely wrong song for him. Unless your first name is Marvin and your last name is Gaye, you can’t sing Let’s Get It On. It just comes of cheesy. As it did here with this kid. But he’s got a nice voice and an ass load of charisma, so he could go far. Also, tree climbing? What is he? 5? White people are such a mystery to me.
Lisa Olivero and Ryan Keane are delusional in almost exactly the same way except that Lisa Olivero at least has a tremendo culo. Discuss.
Mike Davis – Made me agree with Randy and y’all know how much I hate to agree with Randy. But the Dawg was right. This kid has a good, not great voice. And he’s not really all that charismatic or all that cute. (In desperate need of a shave. Dammit, white boys, let the goatee go. I’m begging you) Did you remember what he sang? That’s OK, kittens. Neither did I. I had to go back to my notes and look it up and it was Yesterday. Who forgets Yesterday? It’s iconic. Although, not in this kid’s hands because he’s the epitome of milquetoast. Next.
Katie Stevens – Cutest grandma ever. Voice is no joke. 16. Bah. Get older, faster. It’s too much to ask for another Manic Panic so soon after the last one.
Joshua Blaylock – Is cross-eyed and his voice is too nasally all up in his nasal. (I miss you, Pau Pau!) He will never make this show and I’m already tired of all the daily affirmations. Why put him through? Just so Simon can fuck with him. He hates every single person left on this show, y’all. It’s so sad. How many times did he get up and just walk away from the table. No wonder he’s leaving at the end of the season. I think he really might murder Judge #4 before the season’s done. To which I say a hearty, “Hell, yeah!”
Justin Williams – He’s a cancer survivor, a missionary, cute as a button and he can blow in a very Buble kind of way? This kid is so money. I certainly hope he can get beyond the throw back, hipster vibe. I think he can, because he destroyed Feelin’ Good. I like this kid. A lot.
Norberto Guerrero – Sings like a 3 year old. Dresses like Latoya Jackson . . . with a beard. I love you, Simon Cowell. Don’t ever change.
Bosa – I missed the last name but does it even matter? He’s not that great a singer and he’s kind of fugly. They just put him through so that they could use The Lion King music and make fun of his mom’s head wraps. Stay classy, show.
Leah Lorenti – She has a lovely voice and she did a nice rendition of Blue Skies. Now she can skip off the melody and still stay in tune and have a little fun with the song (even though she flubbed the lyrics a skoosh). It was all to the good with this one except . . . well, she’s a little narigona, no, kittens? But so was Babs. It could totally work. Anyway, she wasn’t exactly a show closer (I’d have gone with Katie or Justin, maybe Tyler) but she was solid.
Is that it? Are we done? Time flies, noodles. As does that fat boy doing that Russian split jump, what? That was fire. There’s no one I love from this first show, save Katie. And even that love is tainted by her 16-ness. But I do like a couple: Leah, Justin, Tyler. And since we didn’t see half of the ones who made it through, as is the show’s custom, who knows how many I really like from this evening?
Bring on the dirty south tomorrow. I see you, ATL.
Boston, Massachusetts
I’m going to blame everyone’s bad fashion on the hated Boston Celtics. Kara DioIstillsucktremendousamountsofass being the first judge on my TV? Fail. Simon’s man boobs clinging to that tight white t-shirt? Fail. Ryan Seacrest in jeans and a t-shirt? Epic fail. Posh weighing in at half a pound with water wings on her hips and a crazy lace schmatta tied around her head? Well, that was kind of awesome, but in the abstract? Fail. Who else to blame but the Celtics? Oh, and they made it rain, too.
Janet McNamara is a famewhore and a fake ass faker and I refuse. Her only redeeming quality is that she had no idea who Judge #4 was and kept calling her Paula. Whee!
Maddy Curtis – Is 16 and is trailing three Down’s syndrome brothers behind her which is unfortunate and pretty much marks her as exactly the kind of contestant that I will hate on site. And yet, she did a decent job with Hallelujah. She has a pleasant voice, I suppose. Nothing to write home about. And heaven knows she needs styling more than any person on the planet. The Downs boys dressed her, don’t you think? How else to explain the camel toe shorts and the Birkenstocks and the ratty-tatty hair? I kind of hope she makes the show just so the trannyhos can get their hands on her. They can hardly do worse, no? Eh, she’s not your next American Idol, but she’ll make decent cannon fodder.
Pat Ford – Was the best thing ever on this show. Famewhores, take note. That is how it’s motherfucking done. If he’d been able to sing even a little bit at all, he’d have won this whole show. Darlings, he broke it the hell on down on Womanizer. Did you check the choreography? I love this kid. I want him to come to my home and watch Idol with me. We will snark and be fabulous together and he can teach me that better than Brittany combo. Seriously, Pat Ford. Hit me up. I want to get to know ya.
Jennifer Hirsch, some girl in Blue, and Jesse Wolf – One of these things is not like the others, no? Jennifer can sing her butt off and her audition choice of Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead was inspired. Love her. Blue girl and Jesse Wolf could not really sing. And in the case of Jesse, make that could not sing even a little bit. Jesse, you’re just that good that you can riff all over People Get Ready? Because you’ve got it like that? Bitch, please. Find the melody first and then come back and talk to me. Yick. That’s another Tattoo Sleeve in the making right there.
Amadeo DiRicco – Hoochie Coochie Man? What? That Italian white boy blew the doors off on that song. Muddy Waters rose up out of his grave to give him some dap. I suspect that this one is going to break my heart, much like He Man Oilman did last year, by being that guy that everyone thinks can really sing, but can’t really sing. He can only sing in relation to how well everyone else you know can sing. But for now, I enjoyed the hell out of this dude. Noodles, I love when contestants surprise me this deep into this predictable show. Simon also dug this dude and I love it when Mr. Cowell’s cynicism cracks just a little bit and he gets excited about an auditioner. And though I fear the Sopranos clichés and I fear for my poor pocket gays continued health and safety around all those big burly men, on the whole, I’m happy to see Amadeo move on. I hope he can bring it like that on other songs.
Derek Hilton – Is in desperate need of some Pro-Activ. Call JSimp. She can hook you up and she’s not too busy just lately. And “I hit really loud notes”? Dammit, kids. Loud is not the new good, all evidence from AI to the contrary. No wonder top 40 radio is unadulterated crap. Hitting notes really loud does not equal good singing. Please trust that this is so. Kiddies, must we learn this lesson anew every single season. Also, never, never reference Chris Brown and his ability to “touch people”. Seriously. Ever. I mean, really? This child has no home training.
Mary Doyle is a famewhore and a fake ass faker who can’t even muster some crocodile tears for the cameras and I refuse.
Luke Shaffer – And Paula just came on her couch, darlings. Was there ever any doubt that this kid was gonna get through despite his somewhat mediocre vocal stylings? Judge #4 wanted to do him on the judges’ table. I’m sure Posh would’ve joined in if her bones weren’t so brittle. Eh, whatever. He’s pretty wallpaper at this stage.
Benjamin Bright – On the other hand, kittens, this kid has a really pretty voice. Too bad he’s pudgy and kind of blah. Maybe with different hair? Nah. I wish him the best, but I don’t see him going very far, do you? I mean, I’ve already forgotten what he sang.
Andrew Fenlon is another fake ass faker which came back to bite him in the ass when it turned out that he had an incredibly beautiful voice. Family, he shut it down with that version of House of the Rising Sun. He was killing it. And because he came in talking all that yang, he wound up getting dissed and dismissed by Posh and Judge #4. Oh, the humanity!
Bill Bloom, Michael Ryan, what the fuck is wrong with y’all? Adam Lambert is not every gay theater boy and not every gay theater boy is Adam Lambert.
Ashley Rodriguez – Was definitely going to get through due to Judge #4 and her love affair with “package artists” AKA pretty people who can’t really sing but that’s OK because their voices can be autotuned beyond recognition and then their albums can be sold because they are pretty. And of course Posh loved her because she was her 10 years and 100 pounds ago. So anyway, she’s not terrible. If I Ain’t Got You was way too big for her. She could reach top 12 where she’d get promptly Scarnato’ed or she could be out day one during Hollywood Week. Time will tell.
Tyler Brady – Has that whole skinny, white rocker boy sexy thing going on. I was grooving on it. And he can sing, though he chose the absolutely wrong song for him. Unless your first name is Marvin and your last name is Gaye, you can’t sing Let’s Get It On. It just comes of cheesy. As it did here with this kid. But he’s got a nice voice and an ass load of charisma, so he could go far. Also, tree climbing? What is he? 5? White people are such a mystery to me.
Lisa Olivero and Ryan Keane are delusional in almost exactly the same way except that Lisa Olivero at least has a tremendo culo. Discuss.
Mike Davis – Made me agree with Randy and y’all know how much I hate to agree with Randy. But the Dawg was right. This kid has a good, not great voice. And he’s not really all that charismatic or all that cute. (In desperate need of a shave. Dammit, white boys, let the goatee go. I’m begging you) Did you remember what he sang? That’s OK, kittens. Neither did I. I had to go back to my notes and look it up and it was Yesterday. Who forgets Yesterday? It’s iconic. Although, not in this kid’s hands because he’s the epitome of milquetoast. Next.
Katie Stevens – Cutest grandma ever. Voice is no joke. 16. Bah. Get older, faster. It’s too much to ask for another Manic Panic so soon after the last one.
Joshua Blaylock – Is cross-eyed and his voice is too nasally all up in his nasal. (I miss you, Pau Pau!) He will never make this show and I’m already tired of all the daily affirmations. Why put him through? Just so Simon can fuck with him. He hates every single person left on this show, y’all. It’s so sad. How many times did he get up and just walk away from the table. No wonder he’s leaving at the end of the season. I think he really might murder Judge #4 before the season’s done. To which I say a hearty, “Hell, yeah!”
Justin Williams – He’s a cancer survivor, a missionary, cute as a button and he can blow in a very Buble kind of way? This kid is so money. I certainly hope he can get beyond the throw back, hipster vibe. I think he can, because he destroyed Feelin’ Good. I like this kid. A lot.
Norberto Guerrero – Sings like a 3 year old. Dresses like Latoya Jackson . . . with a beard. I love you, Simon Cowell. Don’t ever change.
Bosa – I missed the last name but does it even matter? He’s not that great a singer and he’s kind of fugly. They just put him through so that they could use The Lion King music and make fun of his mom’s head wraps. Stay classy, show.
Leah Lorenti – She has a lovely voice and she did a nice rendition of Blue Skies. Now she can skip off the melody and still stay in tune and have a little fun with the song (even though she flubbed the lyrics a skoosh). It was all to the good with this one except . . . well, she’s a little narigona, no, kittens? But so was Babs. It could totally work. Anyway, she wasn’t exactly a show closer (I’d have gone with Katie or Justin, maybe Tyler) but she was solid.
Is that it? Are we done? Time flies, noodles. As does that fat boy doing that Russian split jump, what? That was fire. There’s no one I love from this first show, save Katie. And even that love is tainted by her 16-ness. But I do like a couple: Leah, Justin, Tyler. And since we didn’t see half of the ones who made it through, as is the show’s custom, who knows how many I really like from this evening?
Bring on the dirty south tomorrow. I see you, ATL.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Finale Results Show Came Out Like “Aaaargh”
The Winner
Russell is your favorite dancer, America. You done good. Kittens, color me satisfied. FP and her man had their Jive-y moment and then went out 5-6 like good little cannon fodder. And the top 4 were lovely and amazing and from elimination to elimination, I was in agony and not knowing which ones I wanted to go home and which ones I wanted to move on. Ellenore out fourth? No! It’s unpossible. But if not there, then who? Kathryn? She’s too gorgeous. And she went out third anyway. (Cheeky camera monkeys with the cut to Legacy. I’m not buying what you’re selling, but good on ya for trying) And then the truly impossible choice. Jakob or Russell? Russell or Jakob? Forget Solomon, this was the true “split the baby in two” moment, darlings. And just standing there, couldn’t you tell by Jakob’s expression that he knew that he wouldn’t be winning the title of America’s Favorite Dancer? Because he knows what all of us students of the show know. The best technical dancer never wins. They never have won and, kiddies, I’m beginning to believe that they never will win. Because if not this year, then when? If not the divine Jakob Karr, then who? Young, gorgeous, kinda goofy, fun personality, able to do things with his body that leave you breathless, never took a false turn across the entire season. And he still couldn’t beat out the scrappy, up from the street (MY ASS!) feel good story. (On that note, kiddies, Russell is not a diamond in the rough. Nigel and his unexamined biases and his bullshit street dancer blind spots are on my last nerve) So let’s hear it for Russell. Until the moment Cat knelt down on the floor (Diva!) and coaxed an interview out of a sobbing and incoherent, shirtless man, I hadn’t realized how much I was secretly rooting for him to win. Kittens, Russell is love. And the cute parents. And the girlfriend with the 70’s black power ‘fro. And the Kevin man-love. Bless!
The Music
There were musical performances. Two of the people could actually sing and two of them could not. I refuse with the singing, but let me just state that Leona Lewis and her bad fashion sense and her unfortunate man face and her pitchy singing and horrendous song choice need to go somewhere and sit down. She is not now nor has she ever been Mimi. British people, no. Stop trying to make Leona Lewis happen. She’s not going to happen. One hit wonder, darlings, and I credit that mainly to Mark and Chelsie. Mary J. looked fierce rocking the short blonde hair and the strapless cocktail dress. And Adam Lambert. Oh, my stars and garters, kittens! Adam Lambert. He is a glitter bomb boy/girl alien sex god. The eyeliner, the black nail polish, the gelled hair, the skinny suit and tie with the balled up black pantyhose sewed onto one shoulder. And was he wearing spats, y’all? Work! Wouldn’t he and Jakob make the sparkliest, most extravagantly talented, most gorgeous couple ever? How can we make that happen?
The Dancing
I understood most of the judges picks, even if I myself wouldn’t have chosen them. Nigel threw in one head scratcher although I understood it coming from him. And honestly, kiddies, I was just so glad to see Lil C and Miss Debbie Allen (and her weave) up there on that judges panel, well, it was kind of perfect. They even made me accept Tasty, which just goes to show how much I missed the guest judges this season. I will not recap the dances because we’ve seen them before, literally for all of the Russell-centric dances save the first one. Let’s do the Top 20 group dance, though, just for the good times.
Top 20 Group Dance/Jazz/Kelley Abbey (Scared of Me/Feddy Le Grand) – Noodles, I disapprove of bringing in a brand new choreographer for the finale group dance. Not that I didn’t like this new girl, she of the two first names. It’s just that the finale night is a celebration of family, the family that has grown up amongst the dancers and the judges and the viewers of the show over the course of the season. And I don’t want some outsider, no matter how cute or talented, busting up into my family reunion. Also, they’ve had some great new choreographers this season as well as some iconic dances from their core stable of choreographers (NappyTab excluded). Especially on the jazz/contemporary side of the spectrum. Showcase the folks who’ve worked hard for you and your dancers all season and save Ms. Abbey for next season. All that said, it was a good dance, darlings. The top four were appropriately featured and turning it out. Jakob had on almost as much eye make up as Adam (We've already covered that) and was fierce. And the top 20 reminded me that this was perhaps the most extravagantly talented, completely likeable group of dancers we’ve had on the show ever. And the hos and trannys stayed on the wagon for the evening, so well done, y’all. Kudos all around.
The Groovaloos were a nice touch. Appropriately fun and old school. And the b-boys were fire. The poppers left a little something to be desired. I’ve seen better on SYTYCD. Overall enjoyable, but paled in comparison to the high bar set by LXD. Hip hop guest troops have a lot to live up to after that.
JLo/Louboutins – Because it sure as hell wasn’t a vocal performance, kittens. Family, you know it’s serious when she can’t even lip synch on key. That used to only be true for AI group sings. Whatever you think about her song stylings, the bitch can dance. She was kind of turning it out with her big old bedazzled booty. And we must give props to her for incorporating the SYTYCD girls into her performance, no? Never forget your Fly Girl roots, JLo. Perhaps one day these young girls can be man stealing homewreckers married to ghoulish man trolls with mansions in New Jersey and twins who look nothing like either them or their husbands.
Lil C’s Picks
The Kevin/Legacy/Russell Top 20 reveal show group dance made sense for him. Was it the best hip hop of the season? Hardly. But you know he wishes he could’ve gotten his hands on at least one of those boys to set a piece on them. What’s up with that, Simon Fuller? Honestly. When will you ever have a krumper as good as Russell again on the show? A b-boy as versatile and charismatic as Legacy? Exactly. So I see why he chose the way he did. I loved his second pick. That Jakob/Arianna/Channing/Nathan Top 20 number was magical. And it gave us such fantastic bits of Lil C babble. “Dance through every portal of their being.” “An orgy of majestic contemporary artistry.” Oh, Lil C. Don’t ever change. If anything, I think these four might’ve danced this even better than the first time. Arianna as first off the show was really a mistake, darlings, and it would lead us eventually to the FP Pity-a-thon and nobody wanted that, did they? Overall, solid picks by Lil C. He was missed this season.
Shankdaddy’s Picks
Oh, I’ll love him forever for picking that Jakob/Ellenore Sonya piece. This is what he should be pimping for an Emmy, kittens. So much gorgeous work by these two in this dance. I’ve been mulling it since the first time I saw it and I think it is the best piece Sonya’s done on this show. Even better than the Mark/Courtney Secret Garden routine, and you know how it pains me to put anyone above my beautiful boy from Hawai’i. But this was perfect marriage of music and movement and choreographer’s vision with dancers’ abilities and . . . it was perfection. And the second piece, hee! Shankdaddy loves Ellenore. We do, too, Adam! And that’s why we’ll always love you. Legacy and Ellenore are so committed in this dance. It’s not my favorite Travis Wall piece and the supersize executive table has been done before, and better, by Mandy, no? But this was a demanding, athletic number that showed both Ellenore and Legacy off to great advantage. Legacy’s flip over the table is still quite a move. Yes, Shankdaddy gets two thumbs up for his picks.
Nigel’s Picks
Well, one out of three ain’t bad, kiddies. Look, I dislike choosing routines from the finale for the results show recap. No matter how dynamic, we just saw it last night. We really, really don’t need to see it again. However, if we had to have a repeat, I guess this Kathryn/Jakob piece is as worthy as you’re going to find. And when you get the opportunity to showcase Desmond and Dwight to a national audience, you do it. So yay, Desmond and Dwight! If you live in NYC, go see Complexions, because they are awesome. And Dwight and Desmond, offer that fool Jakob a spot in your company already. I won’t quibble at all with choosing Wades Top 20 opening night group routine because it was fire and proved a phenomenal showcase for the kids. Well, I’ll quibble about the show continuing to give choreographer credits to Amanda Robson despite the fact that we’ve never seen the bitch dance or choreograph a step. Just because you are a muse, that does not make you a choreographer. Just no. But about the choice of routine, noodles, I’m all about it. This one, I would’ve liked to see danced again live and it’s a shame that so many quality dancers missed out on another shot to strut their stuff live for the studio audience because of Russell’s untimely accident. The Bianca/Peter/Philip tap routine from Top 20 night was a misstep, primarily because Peter and Philip are much better tappers than Bianca is and it shows here. She’s totally exposed as only a middling tapper. They are gorgeous in the piece though. And I guess picking it finally did force Nigel and the show to acknowledge that they have, in fact, had a tapper in the top 20 before and to just generally recognize the existence of S1, so it did some good to have it on my TV screen last night.
Mary’s Picks
I can’t hate on Mary for picking an original ballroom number for Ryan and the Fug Princess because seriously. That shit last night wasn’t right. And they turned it out, kiddies. One of the best jives I’ve seen on this show. I am seeing DWTS in Ryan’s future if he wants it. Sadly, I think FP may be just a little bit too fugly for the show, but she can make a lot of money teaching and choreographing. I am glad to see the end of the DiLello pimping. They grew on me like a fungus, but they really shouldn’t have gotten as far as they did on the show. When I think that we could’ve had Paula Van Oppen rather than FP? I weep, noodles! I weep. The Russell/Kathryn hip hop as a pick was so unworthy and can I just say that it’s no wonder that Russell came up lame last night. Look at the sheer number of dances he was slated to do last night. They were fixing to wear him out, kittens. Poor lamb.
Tasty’s Picks
It’s wrong that Miss Debbie Allen had to split her picks with this fool. And then he went and wasted his pick on the Tween Terrors. Bitch, please. Look, this was their one good routine amongst a sea of crap and I will give it to them that they did tear it up including the fact that Nathan fell and busted his ass worse than JLo on the AMAs and he turned that shit into a roll and kept it moving which is the mark of a true pro and he was serving it. Still, on finale night? Might as well have picked his tired little Can Can. Wasted space.
Miss Debbie Allen’s Picks
Of course, Miss Allen picked a winner. You know she loves her some Russell, don’t you? She was like a proud Mama Bear, kittens and I just loved it. Sadly, we didn’t get to see the man himself perform this Russell/Noelle African Jazz again, but that was an excellent, excellent pick by the diva. I truly hope Cheesman and his mysteriously missing “e” come back in S7 because this routine was fire.
The Aftermath
I’m spent, darlings. And I barely have a few weeks to get back in fighting trim for Idol. Fox needs to never, ever, ever do a fall season of SYTYCD ever again. I love this show. I loved these kids. Pound for pound, this may have been one of the best casts ever. But to everything there is a season, no? And fall damn sure ain’t it when it comes to SYTYCD. Keep it a summer trifle. Give us a season to lie fallow. And we will bear sweet fruit come AI harvest time and revel in the SYTYCD fields of gold all summer. That’s a little bit of poetry for your ass to close things out. Don’t say I never gave you anything, kiddies.
Russell is your favorite dancer, America. You done good. Kittens, color me satisfied. FP and her man had their Jive-y moment and then went out 5-6 like good little cannon fodder. And the top 4 were lovely and amazing and from elimination to elimination, I was in agony and not knowing which ones I wanted to go home and which ones I wanted to move on. Ellenore out fourth? No! It’s unpossible. But if not there, then who? Kathryn? She’s too gorgeous. And she went out third anyway. (Cheeky camera monkeys with the cut to Legacy. I’m not buying what you’re selling, but good on ya for trying) And then the truly impossible choice. Jakob or Russell? Russell or Jakob? Forget Solomon, this was the true “split the baby in two” moment, darlings. And just standing there, couldn’t you tell by Jakob’s expression that he knew that he wouldn’t be winning the title of America’s Favorite Dancer? Because he knows what all of us students of the show know. The best technical dancer never wins. They never have won and, kiddies, I’m beginning to believe that they never will win. Because if not this year, then when? If not the divine Jakob Karr, then who? Young, gorgeous, kinda goofy, fun personality, able to do things with his body that leave you breathless, never took a false turn across the entire season. And he still couldn’t beat out the scrappy, up from the street (MY ASS!) feel good story. (On that note, kiddies, Russell is not a diamond in the rough. Nigel and his unexamined biases and his bullshit street dancer blind spots are on my last nerve) So let’s hear it for Russell. Until the moment Cat knelt down on the floor (Diva!) and coaxed an interview out of a sobbing and incoherent, shirtless man, I hadn’t realized how much I was secretly rooting for him to win. Kittens, Russell is love. And the cute parents. And the girlfriend with the 70’s black power ‘fro. And the Kevin man-love. Bless!
The Music
There were musical performances. Two of the people could actually sing and two of them could not. I refuse with the singing, but let me just state that Leona Lewis and her bad fashion sense and her unfortunate man face and her pitchy singing and horrendous song choice need to go somewhere and sit down. She is not now nor has she ever been Mimi. British people, no. Stop trying to make Leona Lewis happen. She’s not going to happen. One hit wonder, darlings, and I credit that mainly to Mark and Chelsie. Mary J. looked fierce rocking the short blonde hair and the strapless cocktail dress. And Adam Lambert. Oh, my stars and garters, kittens! Adam Lambert. He is a glitter bomb boy/girl alien sex god. The eyeliner, the black nail polish, the gelled hair, the skinny suit and tie with the balled up black pantyhose sewed onto one shoulder. And was he wearing spats, y’all? Work! Wouldn’t he and Jakob make the sparkliest, most extravagantly talented, most gorgeous couple ever? How can we make that happen?
The Dancing
I understood most of the judges picks, even if I myself wouldn’t have chosen them. Nigel threw in one head scratcher although I understood it coming from him. And honestly, kiddies, I was just so glad to see Lil C and Miss Debbie Allen (and her weave) up there on that judges panel, well, it was kind of perfect. They even made me accept Tasty, which just goes to show how much I missed the guest judges this season. I will not recap the dances because we’ve seen them before, literally for all of the Russell-centric dances save the first one. Let’s do the Top 20 group dance, though, just for the good times.
Top 20 Group Dance/Jazz/Kelley Abbey (Scared of Me/Feddy Le Grand) – Noodles, I disapprove of bringing in a brand new choreographer for the finale group dance. Not that I didn’t like this new girl, she of the two first names. It’s just that the finale night is a celebration of family, the family that has grown up amongst the dancers and the judges and the viewers of the show over the course of the season. And I don’t want some outsider, no matter how cute or talented, busting up into my family reunion. Also, they’ve had some great new choreographers this season as well as some iconic dances from their core stable of choreographers (NappyTab excluded). Especially on the jazz/contemporary side of the spectrum. Showcase the folks who’ve worked hard for you and your dancers all season and save Ms. Abbey for next season. All that said, it was a good dance, darlings. The top four were appropriately featured and turning it out. Jakob had on almost as much eye make up as Adam (We've already covered that) and was fierce. And the top 20 reminded me that this was perhaps the most extravagantly talented, completely likeable group of dancers we’ve had on the show ever. And the hos and trannys stayed on the wagon for the evening, so well done, y’all. Kudos all around.
The Groovaloos were a nice touch. Appropriately fun and old school. And the b-boys were fire. The poppers left a little something to be desired. I’ve seen better on SYTYCD. Overall enjoyable, but paled in comparison to the high bar set by LXD. Hip hop guest troops have a lot to live up to after that.
JLo/Louboutins – Because it sure as hell wasn’t a vocal performance, kittens. Family, you know it’s serious when she can’t even lip synch on key. That used to only be true for AI group sings. Whatever you think about her song stylings, the bitch can dance. She was kind of turning it out with her big old bedazzled booty. And we must give props to her for incorporating the SYTYCD girls into her performance, no? Never forget your Fly Girl roots, JLo. Perhaps one day these young girls can be man stealing homewreckers married to ghoulish man trolls with mansions in New Jersey and twins who look nothing like either them or their husbands.
Lil C’s Picks
The Kevin/Legacy/Russell Top 20 reveal show group dance made sense for him. Was it the best hip hop of the season? Hardly. But you know he wishes he could’ve gotten his hands on at least one of those boys to set a piece on them. What’s up with that, Simon Fuller? Honestly. When will you ever have a krumper as good as Russell again on the show? A b-boy as versatile and charismatic as Legacy? Exactly. So I see why he chose the way he did. I loved his second pick. That Jakob/Arianna/Channing/Nathan Top 20 number was magical. And it gave us such fantastic bits of Lil C babble. “Dance through every portal of their being.” “An orgy of majestic contemporary artistry.” Oh, Lil C. Don’t ever change. If anything, I think these four might’ve danced this even better than the first time. Arianna as first off the show was really a mistake, darlings, and it would lead us eventually to the FP Pity-a-thon and nobody wanted that, did they? Overall, solid picks by Lil C. He was missed this season.
Shankdaddy’s Picks
Oh, I’ll love him forever for picking that Jakob/Ellenore Sonya piece. This is what he should be pimping for an Emmy, kittens. So much gorgeous work by these two in this dance. I’ve been mulling it since the first time I saw it and I think it is the best piece Sonya’s done on this show. Even better than the Mark/Courtney Secret Garden routine, and you know how it pains me to put anyone above my beautiful boy from Hawai’i. But this was perfect marriage of music and movement and choreographer’s vision with dancers’ abilities and . . . it was perfection. And the second piece, hee! Shankdaddy loves Ellenore. We do, too, Adam! And that’s why we’ll always love you. Legacy and Ellenore are so committed in this dance. It’s not my favorite Travis Wall piece and the supersize executive table has been done before, and better, by Mandy, no? But this was a demanding, athletic number that showed both Ellenore and Legacy off to great advantage. Legacy’s flip over the table is still quite a move. Yes, Shankdaddy gets two thumbs up for his picks.
Nigel’s Picks
Well, one out of three ain’t bad, kiddies. Look, I dislike choosing routines from the finale for the results show recap. No matter how dynamic, we just saw it last night. We really, really don’t need to see it again. However, if we had to have a repeat, I guess this Kathryn/Jakob piece is as worthy as you’re going to find. And when you get the opportunity to showcase Desmond and Dwight to a national audience, you do it. So yay, Desmond and Dwight! If you live in NYC, go see Complexions, because they are awesome. And Dwight and Desmond, offer that fool Jakob a spot in your company already. I won’t quibble at all with choosing Wades Top 20 opening night group routine because it was fire and proved a phenomenal showcase for the kids. Well, I’ll quibble about the show continuing to give choreographer credits to Amanda Robson despite the fact that we’ve never seen the bitch dance or choreograph a step. Just because you are a muse, that does not make you a choreographer. Just no. But about the choice of routine, noodles, I’m all about it. This one, I would’ve liked to see danced again live and it’s a shame that so many quality dancers missed out on another shot to strut their stuff live for the studio audience because of Russell’s untimely accident. The Bianca/Peter/Philip tap routine from Top 20 night was a misstep, primarily because Peter and Philip are much better tappers than Bianca is and it shows here. She’s totally exposed as only a middling tapper. They are gorgeous in the piece though. And I guess picking it finally did force Nigel and the show to acknowledge that they have, in fact, had a tapper in the top 20 before and to just generally recognize the existence of S1, so it did some good to have it on my TV screen last night.
Mary’s Picks
I can’t hate on Mary for picking an original ballroom number for Ryan and the Fug Princess because seriously. That shit last night wasn’t right. And they turned it out, kiddies. One of the best jives I’ve seen on this show. I am seeing DWTS in Ryan’s future if he wants it. Sadly, I think FP may be just a little bit too fugly for the show, but she can make a lot of money teaching and choreographing. I am glad to see the end of the DiLello pimping. They grew on me like a fungus, but they really shouldn’t have gotten as far as they did on the show. When I think that we could’ve had Paula Van Oppen rather than FP? I weep, noodles! I weep. The Russell/Kathryn hip hop as a pick was so unworthy and can I just say that it’s no wonder that Russell came up lame last night. Look at the sheer number of dances he was slated to do last night. They were fixing to wear him out, kittens. Poor lamb.
Tasty’s Picks
It’s wrong that Miss Debbie Allen had to split her picks with this fool. And then he went and wasted his pick on the Tween Terrors. Bitch, please. Look, this was their one good routine amongst a sea of crap and I will give it to them that they did tear it up including the fact that Nathan fell and busted his ass worse than JLo on the AMAs and he turned that shit into a roll and kept it moving which is the mark of a true pro and he was serving it. Still, on finale night? Might as well have picked his tired little Can Can. Wasted space.
Miss Debbie Allen’s Picks
Of course, Miss Allen picked a winner. You know she loves her some Russell, don’t you? She was like a proud Mama Bear, kittens and I just loved it. Sadly, we didn’t get to see the man himself perform this Russell/Noelle African Jazz again, but that was an excellent, excellent pick by the diva. I truly hope Cheesman and his mysteriously missing “e” come back in S7 because this routine was fire.
The Aftermath
I’m spent, darlings. And I barely have a few weeks to get back in fighting trim for Idol. Fox needs to never, ever, ever do a fall season of SYTYCD ever again. I love this show. I loved these kids. Pound for pound, this may have been one of the best casts ever. But to everything there is a season, no? And fall damn sure ain’t it when it comes to SYTYCD. Keep it a summer trifle. Give us a season to lie fallow. And we will bear sweet fruit come AI harvest time and revel in the SYTYCD fields of gold all summer. That’s a little bit of poetry for your ass to close things out. Don’t say I never gave you anything, kiddies.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Finale Performance Show Good ‘til the Last Drop
Kittens, I’m so tired. I’ve been up since 5:00 am. And yet, I toil and slave to get this recap up in prep for Wednesday’s finale. All for you, darlings. All for you. There’s no formatting and little editing to this here blog post because, well, 5:00 am, y’all! Maybe later. And we’re going in reverse order because why not? I wanted to own Cat’s dress in several shades including that smashing red, so you knew they were going to be sick with it, right? Take it away, Top 6.
Russell/Kathryn/Hip Hop/NappyTab (I Can Transform Ya/Chris Brown) – I cannot believe that NappyTab used a song by the woman beater. They disappoint on so many levels. The dance was a distant second in the NappyTab hard hitting hip hop catalog behind Mark/Comfort (best NappyTab EVER!). If they wanted Russell to krump, why in the world didn’t they bring back Lil C? Honestly. Russell did what he could with it. He was great because he’s great, but the choreography and, I’m sorry but I must say it, Kathryn let him down. She tried her little heart out but she can’t krump. It wasn’t not good, Noodles. (Oh, Real World Tammy. How I miss you so)
Ashleigh/Ryan/Contemporary/Travis Wall (I’m There Too/Missed the artist) – Kittens, let’s deal with first things first. I can’t believe they wasted a chance to have the married latin ballroom couple come on and finally, finally, show these fools how latin ballroom is done. And on a night where they had Jason Gilickson, too. Oh, the dance-manity! There. That’s done. Quiet as it’s kept, kiddies, FP has torn this season up. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate that the fugly one made the final after not dancing a step last week, but she once again served tonight. Never moreso than here. She and Ryan did have a lovely connection. A quiet comfort with each other and an emotional depth that was lovely to see. Was that the most technically demanding dance of the night? No. But dammit, I love me some Travis Wall. He knew his dancers and what they could deliver and he worked that routine for all it was worth. And he did push them for being two ballroom kids. There was some gorgeous work in there. The lifts were always going to be good because Ryan . . . best partner dancer ever on the show . . . blasé, blasé, whatever. But darlings, blessed assurance to see a lady who knows how to engage her core and help out her partner through a lift. Whippersnappers, take note. That is how it’s done. The lifts looked effortless. And they had some lovely side by side moments, a couple pretty leaps. Very good movement quality and they both were very grounded in their movement. Travis Frikkin’ Wall, family! For a moment, he made me stop hating and get right with the DiLellos.
Kathryn/Jakob/Contemporary/Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden (At this Moment/Michael Buble) – Bow down, bitches. The kings have just schooled you all. That choreography was gorgeous. Exquisite. So intricate. So much control required. And many interesting movements even during the transitions and in the connections between the real powerhouse, showpiece moves. And Jakob Karr. Kittens. Jakob Karr is a motherfucking rock star. He was born to dance. That’s all. There is really nothing he can’t do along the ballet/modern spectrum of the dance world, I don’t think. One of the best to ever dance on this show, in the pantheon with Blake, Danny and Will. (Brandon just a step behind this trio due to a certain lack of polish, which I think will come with time) I was blown away, too, by his partnering in this piece. Very solid. Very strong. Kathryn. Well, you know I love her, noodles. I do! And she had lovely moments in this piece. She demonstrated great flexibility. Good musicality. And her legs are a wonder. But . . . I have to throw a but up in there. Her dancing was a little bit light. Desmond and Dwight are straight out of that Ailey cum Graham technique and that is deeply centered and grounded in a way that requires so much core strength. Contrast Kathryn with Ellenore. Both lovely dancers in completely different ways. Ellenore’s movement is based around and flows from that engaged and solid core which allows for that patented “quirky” movement. You watch her and you think “strong”. A dance warrior, just as I labeled her last week. Kathryn’s movement is much more pulled up, as befits someone with more of a ballet background (which I’m guessing she has – most lyrical/contempo kids do). The word that comes to mind watching her is more like “ethereal”. And the piece required more strength. Not so light. She was lovely here. Lovely. It just didn’t wholly get there for me from her. And now I must stop talking because that last sentence sounded like the Dawg.
Ellenore/Russell/Paso Doble/Jason Gilickson (Village Attack/Blood Diamond Soundtrack) – Shirtless Russell blew my whole entire mind, darlings. That man’s back did things to my loins which are not discussed in polite company. And that ass in those pants was out of control. Sweet mother of god! I’m sorry, kittens, but I could barely even focus on the dancing. I think it was fine. Maybe? The carriage was right from both of them. Russell had good snap in his legs. The feet seemed a bit sloppy in places. But he was a commanding lead. He really did those lifts amazingly well. Oh yeah, Ellenore was there, too. I’m sure she looked fierce and danced well. I might have once thought that the little leap and then the wrapping the legs around the waist was a dynamite element of this routine. But mostly what I was thinking was that I wished those were my legs wrapped around that man’s waist. So, yeah. This dance was not about the dance is what I’m saying. Shirtless Russell Paso added onto the previous Shirtless Legacy Paso? SYTYCD likes me. It really, really likes me.
Ashleigh/Jakob/Foxtrot/Jean Marc – (Let the Good Times Roll/Butch somebody & Eva Cassidy) – It was cute and well danced. I wanted more refinement from the Fug Princess here. I went all the way back to one of her first smooth ballrooms, when one of the judges told her about needing more softness in her hands (too latin). That continued to be true. I also wanted more roundness in her frame. And really, I have to compare this Foxtrot to the Anya/Danny piece and, well, there is no comparison. I wanted more closed hold work. Jakob was fine. He’s really improved as a ballroom lead. But he really is kind of just too special to play the traditional male ballroom role, which is to frame and showcase the lady. He’s kind of like Cassie in A Chorus Line. So the leaps and the turns and the whole Jakob-ness worked because it always worked, but also didn’t work because the man’s role in ballroom is all about making you watch the woman and when he dances you can’t do other but watch him. They looked gorgeous, though. Snaps, tranny/hos.
Ellenore/Ryan/Jazz/Gary Stewart (Kontakt Me/Boys Noize) – See, noodles? See what I mean about Ellenore dancing more from her core and her movement quality being more grounded and more down into the floor? That routine made me glad that Gary Stewart stuck around after he and I had such a tough time with his first piece. Because that? I loved. Ellenore was riveting. She is so strong and so solid. Her movement is, dare I say it, very organic. We miss you, Mia!! I confess that I barely watched Ryan at all here, which is actually a good thing because that means that he held his own and didn’t distract from the overall quality of the piece. But this dance, for me, was the Ellenore show. She is a dance phenomenon, darlings. Trust that this is so. Wonderful, wonderful!
Ashleigh/Russell/Lyrical Jazz/Sonya (Angel Standing By/Jewel) – Beautiful, kittens. Gorgeous. Look at that fool's toe point and tell me that he has not had extensive training beyond Krump 101. I defy you. Check the traveling steps in deep plie in second. Check some of those leaps and spins. Just look at the arms, the posture. You can’t do that kind of work just by magic and wishing on your lucky street knowledge star. The bitch is trained. Can we now finally, finally put that madness to rest? And the Fug Princess was there doing her best early season Jakob’s shadow impression. Which is not a bad thing. She really is better than she has any right to be. But she disappeared from this dance almost completely, much as she did early in the season in her pieces with the talented Mr. Karr. Russell ruled that dance. He’s so, so serious, family. Please recognize. And that was a fabulous and unexpected piece from Sonya. She clearly got some of her normal, quirky moves in there, but her work is usually not in that tender, emotional, almost lyrical/contemporary vein. I loved seeing her stretch like that.
Ellenore/Jakob/Broadway/Tasty (I Gotcha/Fosse Original Broadway Cast Recording) – Tyce Broadway in the finale? And for these two? Really, Nigel? Really? And he’s just given up all pretense that he ever does anything other than copy Fosse now, hasn’t he? Well, own it, Tasty, I guess. He’s just lucky that these two bitches serve it every single time. Damn. They are so good. They are beyond good. Ellenore’s extensions rivaled Jakob in this piece and that is something which I did not even consider possible. Of course, thanks to Tasty’s unfortunate boy crush, the whole routine was really a paen to Jakob. There couldn’t have been even one more leap in that routine, could there darlings? And talk about bringing the Joel Grey! And then some. These two were sassy. And they brought the dirty, dirty vibe that’s so often missing from Faux Fosse on this show. They looked like sex and raunch and strippers in some upstate NY second class joint with pasties dangling. And the crack whores in wardrobe and trannys in hair and make up were on point again. What? The look was perfect, kittens. Just perfect. They could’ve been in the Broadway cast of Fosse and not looked out of place. That’s how good it was. If Tasty must do faux Fosse, let it always be thus please?
Kahryn/Ryan/Samba/Jason Gilikson (Magalhena/Sergio Mendes) – Ryan DiLello. Work! He was fire in that piece. So, so sexy. Holy smokes, noodles. I so wanted to see him dance that with Ashleigh. Kathryn was fine for a non-ballroom girl. And that was the problem, no? For all that the routine was smoking, it lacked some ballroom content. Not a lot of closed hold work. Not a samba roll in sight. As Ms. Debbie Allen once said, give it to me hard. Give it to me rough. This is the finals, no? I want to see greatness. With Kathryn here rather than, you know, the actual latin ballroom specialist they forced into the finals on pity and a prayer, the routine just gave goodness. Well, Ryan gave greatness. That man’s hips were moving just like mama likes it. And sincerely, crack hos, thank you for all the shirtlessness. Indeed. And what an ending! Jason G, you have brought it like it should be broughten this season. Hail and well met, sir. But it was a touch shy of mind blowing.
And the Winner Is . . .
Kittens, it sounds like I didn’t enjoy Kathryn tonight which could not be further from the truth. I enjoyed her and think she is a beautiful dancer. But of the four (because I do not consider the DiLellos serious contenders for the win), she’s in my #4 slot. She wasn’t shown off to her best advantage tonight. Coming third for me would be Ellenore. She had one two great routines, but she disappeared for me in that Paso, swallowed whole by the charisma and overall hotness of Russell. And between Russell and Jakob? Noodles, I couldn’t. Could you? Can’t we just have co-winners? If I had a gun to my head, I suppose I’d choose Jakob because, well, born to dance, no? But kittens, it’s much like last seasons Kris/Adam, Honey Dip/Glitter bomb Sex Baby, AI finale. If either one of them wins, I win. Well done, oddly truncated and overly rushed show.
PS: The fact that the bloated top 6 show robbed us of a top 2 boys’ dance and a top 2 girls’ dance from the Ellenore/Kathryn/Jakob/Russell quartet is a travesty. Fuck you Fox and Simon Fuller and the horse you rode in on. I don’t need a bloated two hour results show. I needed two hours for the performance show, which is true even when we are dealing with just 4 and even more so with 6. Bitches.
Russell/Kathryn/Hip Hop/NappyTab (I Can Transform Ya/Chris Brown) – I cannot believe that NappyTab used a song by the woman beater. They disappoint on so many levels. The dance was a distant second in the NappyTab hard hitting hip hop catalog behind Mark/Comfort (best NappyTab EVER!). If they wanted Russell to krump, why in the world didn’t they bring back Lil C? Honestly. Russell did what he could with it. He was great because he’s great, but the choreography and, I’m sorry but I must say it, Kathryn let him down. She tried her little heart out but she can’t krump. It wasn’t not good, Noodles. (Oh, Real World Tammy. How I miss you so)
Ashleigh/Ryan/Contemporary/Travis Wall (I’m There Too/Missed the artist) – Kittens, let’s deal with first things first. I can’t believe they wasted a chance to have the married latin ballroom couple come on and finally, finally, show these fools how latin ballroom is done. And on a night where they had Jason Gilickson, too. Oh, the dance-manity! There. That’s done. Quiet as it’s kept, kiddies, FP has torn this season up. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate that the fugly one made the final after not dancing a step last week, but she once again served tonight. Never moreso than here. She and Ryan did have a lovely connection. A quiet comfort with each other and an emotional depth that was lovely to see. Was that the most technically demanding dance of the night? No. But dammit, I love me some Travis Wall. He knew his dancers and what they could deliver and he worked that routine for all it was worth. And he did push them for being two ballroom kids. There was some gorgeous work in there. The lifts were always going to be good because Ryan . . . best partner dancer ever on the show . . . blasé, blasé, whatever. But darlings, blessed assurance to see a lady who knows how to engage her core and help out her partner through a lift. Whippersnappers, take note. That is how it’s done. The lifts looked effortless. And they had some lovely side by side moments, a couple pretty leaps. Very good movement quality and they both were very grounded in their movement. Travis Frikkin’ Wall, family! For a moment, he made me stop hating and get right with the DiLellos.
Kathryn/Jakob/Contemporary/Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden (At this Moment/Michael Buble) – Bow down, bitches. The kings have just schooled you all. That choreography was gorgeous. Exquisite. So intricate. So much control required. And many interesting movements even during the transitions and in the connections between the real powerhouse, showpiece moves. And Jakob Karr. Kittens. Jakob Karr is a motherfucking rock star. He was born to dance. That’s all. There is really nothing he can’t do along the ballet/modern spectrum of the dance world, I don’t think. One of the best to ever dance on this show, in the pantheon with Blake, Danny and Will. (Brandon just a step behind this trio due to a certain lack of polish, which I think will come with time) I was blown away, too, by his partnering in this piece. Very solid. Very strong. Kathryn. Well, you know I love her, noodles. I do! And she had lovely moments in this piece. She demonstrated great flexibility. Good musicality. And her legs are a wonder. But . . . I have to throw a but up in there. Her dancing was a little bit light. Desmond and Dwight are straight out of that Ailey cum Graham technique and that is deeply centered and grounded in a way that requires so much core strength. Contrast Kathryn with Ellenore. Both lovely dancers in completely different ways. Ellenore’s movement is based around and flows from that engaged and solid core which allows for that patented “quirky” movement. You watch her and you think “strong”. A dance warrior, just as I labeled her last week. Kathryn’s movement is much more pulled up, as befits someone with more of a ballet background (which I’m guessing she has – most lyrical/contempo kids do). The word that comes to mind watching her is more like “ethereal”. And the piece required more strength. Not so light. She was lovely here. Lovely. It just didn’t wholly get there for me from her. And now I must stop talking because that last sentence sounded like the Dawg.
Ellenore/Russell/Paso Doble/Jason Gilickson (Village Attack/Blood Diamond Soundtrack) – Shirtless Russell blew my whole entire mind, darlings. That man’s back did things to my loins which are not discussed in polite company. And that ass in those pants was out of control. Sweet mother of god! I’m sorry, kittens, but I could barely even focus on the dancing. I think it was fine. Maybe? The carriage was right from both of them. Russell had good snap in his legs. The feet seemed a bit sloppy in places. But he was a commanding lead. He really did those lifts amazingly well. Oh yeah, Ellenore was there, too. I’m sure she looked fierce and danced well. I might have once thought that the little leap and then the wrapping the legs around the waist was a dynamite element of this routine. But mostly what I was thinking was that I wished those were my legs wrapped around that man’s waist. So, yeah. This dance was not about the dance is what I’m saying. Shirtless Russell Paso added onto the previous Shirtless Legacy Paso? SYTYCD likes me. It really, really likes me.
Ashleigh/Jakob/Foxtrot/Jean Marc – (Let the Good Times Roll/Butch somebody & Eva Cassidy) – It was cute and well danced. I wanted more refinement from the Fug Princess here. I went all the way back to one of her first smooth ballrooms, when one of the judges told her about needing more softness in her hands (too latin). That continued to be true. I also wanted more roundness in her frame. And really, I have to compare this Foxtrot to the Anya/Danny piece and, well, there is no comparison. I wanted more closed hold work. Jakob was fine. He’s really improved as a ballroom lead. But he really is kind of just too special to play the traditional male ballroom role, which is to frame and showcase the lady. He’s kind of like Cassie in A Chorus Line. So the leaps and the turns and the whole Jakob-ness worked because it always worked, but also didn’t work because the man’s role in ballroom is all about making you watch the woman and when he dances you can’t do other but watch him. They looked gorgeous, though. Snaps, tranny/hos.
Ellenore/Ryan/Jazz/Gary Stewart (Kontakt Me/Boys Noize) – See, noodles? See what I mean about Ellenore dancing more from her core and her movement quality being more grounded and more down into the floor? That routine made me glad that Gary Stewart stuck around after he and I had such a tough time with his first piece. Because that? I loved. Ellenore was riveting. She is so strong and so solid. Her movement is, dare I say it, very organic. We miss you, Mia!! I confess that I barely watched Ryan at all here, which is actually a good thing because that means that he held his own and didn’t distract from the overall quality of the piece. But this dance, for me, was the Ellenore show. She is a dance phenomenon, darlings. Trust that this is so. Wonderful, wonderful!
Ashleigh/Russell/Lyrical Jazz/Sonya (Angel Standing By/Jewel) – Beautiful, kittens. Gorgeous. Look at that fool's toe point and tell me that he has not had extensive training beyond Krump 101. I defy you. Check the traveling steps in deep plie in second. Check some of those leaps and spins. Just look at the arms, the posture. You can’t do that kind of work just by magic and wishing on your lucky street knowledge star. The bitch is trained. Can we now finally, finally put that madness to rest? And the Fug Princess was there doing her best early season Jakob’s shadow impression. Which is not a bad thing. She really is better than she has any right to be. But she disappeared from this dance almost completely, much as she did early in the season in her pieces with the talented Mr. Karr. Russell ruled that dance. He’s so, so serious, family. Please recognize. And that was a fabulous and unexpected piece from Sonya. She clearly got some of her normal, quirky moves in there, but her work is usually not in that tender, emotional, almost lyrical/contemporary vein. I loved seeing her stretch like that.
Ellenore/Jakob/Broadway/Tasty (I Gotcha/Fosse Original Broadway Cast Recording) – Tyce Broadway in the finale? And for these two? Really, Nigel? Really? And he’s just given up all pretense that he ever does anything other than copy Fosse now, hasn’t he? Well, own it, Tasty, I guess. He’s just lucky that these two bitches serve it every single time. Damn. They are so good. They are beyond good. Ellenore’s extensions rivaled Jakob in this piece and that is something which I did not even consider possible. Of course, thanks to Tasty’s unfortunate boy crush, the whole routine was really a paen to Jakob. There couldn’t have been even one more leap in that routine, could there darlings? And talk about bringing the Joel Grey! And then some. These two were sassy. And they brought the dirty, dirty vibe that’s so often missing from Faux Fosse on this show. They looked like sex and raunch and strippers in some upstate NY second class joint with pasties dangling. And the crack whores in wardrobe and trannys in hair and make up were on point again. What? The look was perfect, kittens. Just perfect. They could’ve been in the Broadway cast of Fosse and not looked out of place. That’s how good it was. If Tasty must do faux Fosse, let it always be thus please?
Kahryn/Ryan/Samba/Jason Gilikson (Magalhena/Sergio Mendes) – Ryan DiLello. Work! He was fire in that piece. So, so sexy. Holy smokes, noodles. I so wanted to see him dance that with Ashleigh. Kathryn was fine for a non-ballroom girl. And that was the problem, no? For all that the routine was smoking, it lacked some ballroom content. Not a lot of closed hold work. Not a samba roll in sight. As Ms. Debbie Allen once said, give it to me hard. Give it to me rough. This is the finals, no? I want to see greatness. With Kathryn here rather than, you know, the actual latin ballroom specialist they forced into the finals on pity and a prayer, the routine just gave goodness. Well, Ryan gave greatness. That man’s hips were moving just like mama likes it. And sincerely, crack hos, thank you for all the shirtlessness. Indeed. And what an ending! Jason G, you have brought it like it should be broughten this season. Hail and well met, sir. But it was a touch shy of mind blowing.
And the Winner Is . . .
Kittens, it sounds like I didn’t enjoy Kathryn tonight which could not be further from the truth. I enjoyed her and think she is a beautiful dancer. But of the four (because I do not consider the DiLellos serious contenders for the win), she’s in my #4 slot. She wasn’t shown off to her best advantage tonight. Coming third for me would be Ellenore. She had one two great routines, but she disappeared for me in that Paso, swallowed whole by the charisma and overall hotness of Russell. And between Russell and Jakob? Noodles, I couldn’t. Could you? Can’t we just have co-winners? If I had a gun to my head, I suppose I’d choose Jakob because, well, born to dance, no? But kittens, it’s much like last seasons Kris/Adam, Honey Dip/Glitter bomb Sex Baby, AI finale. If either one of them wins, I win. Well done, oddly truncated and overly rushed show.
PS: The fact that the bloated top 6 show robbed us of a top 2 boys’ dance and a top 2 girls’ dance from the Ellenore/Kathryn/Jakob/Russell quartet is a travesty. Fuck you Fox and Simon Fuller and the horse you rode in on. I don’t need a bloated two hour results show. I needed two hours for the performance show, which is true even when we are dealing with just 4 and even more so with 6. Bitches.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
SYTYCD S6 Finals Ep13 The Right Thing for the Wrong Reasons
It would seem that America still has the ability to surprise. Who knew, noodles? Of all the results that could have come out of this particular Top 8, I suppose I got the one that I wanted. But why does it feel so empty? Legacy broke my heart leaving, but I knew that would happen. The biggest shocker of the night was Mollee, the Tween Terror, pulling a few tears out of me and touching my blackened, shriveled heart with her utter devastation upon being tossed from the competition. And wasn’t she a brave little toaster, darlings? Sucking back those tears for all she was worth while her whole face and body were the perfect illustration of shattered. Look it up in the dictionary. You’ll find her picture staring dolefully back at you. It’s a hollow victory I share with you this morning, kittens. The taste of my foes' flesh is like ashes in my mouth. (Whoops, did I just go way overboard? I blame watching The Lord of the Rings cycle on TNT over the weekend. I’ll just repeat “I am not an orc. I am not an orc. I am not an orc” until I feel human again. There. All better now)
There’s not a lot to say about last night’s show. Shankdaddy is turning ever more horrible the longer he stays on the permanent judges’ panel. Please for the love of all that’s holy, let him get a movie to direct sometime soon so that he can be unavoidably out of pocket for the permanent gig next summer. If we must have a three judge panel, let Ms. Debbie Allen do it. Her voice (and weave) has been sorely missed this season. Cat let us know that auditions for S7 are picking right up again. No rest for the wicked and all that and family, I’m happy that the SYTYCD production team has a strong Puritan work ethic, but take a break already. For real. The seams are showing, show.
Kittens, you know I don’t recap musical performances on this show. I refuse. That’s what I always say. But the Honey Dip was there. Oooh, y’all, he’s still so, so pretty. Hotter than the sun is our Mr. Kris Allen. And see, this is not about the performance at all. The less said about that the better. Poor Honey Dip. I see now why he’s only sold about three copies of his debut album. But he’s still beautiful, though. He’ll always have his looks to fall back on. The other performance, if one can call it that, was just so bizarre. I can’t call it, kiddies. I’ma have to let the good writers from Glee handle it. As the lovely 5th runner up Miss Ohio 2002 said, ''They weren't singing, they were, like, honking, and everyone was crying, and I was like, 'Get off the stage, you're terrible. And you're making me super uncomfortable.''' Yes, well said 5th runner up who will always be Sarah Newlin to me and I miss you, True Blood, more than you know, and if you were going to have someone from Bon Temps on your show, why wouldn’t you pick Jason who is sex on a stick, but maybe that’s not so good because he is contractually obligated to be naked at least once an episode and Glee is not that kind of show, well it is, but Fox is not HBO, so I guess Sarah Newlin is the next best thing and do you see how that Japanese pop girl group has broken my brain, why, Simon Fuller, why?
What else? Sonya’s piece was not all that special. Russell was ruling that center as usual. Jakob was fabulous some more. Ryan continued to surpass my expectations of what a ballroom boy can bring in contemporary and Legacy more than held his own and now I’m getting sad all over again because Mollee turned it out with Kathryn and Ellenore and that threesome could’ve brought some great dancing to the finale next week and FP, for all her growth, I do not believe can serve it up quite like those ladies did and dammit, what have you done, America? Then the bottom four, which included Ellenore and WTF on that as well, did their solos and with the exception of Ryan (who is doing the best that he can, poor baby) and Mollee (who we would soon see was on the verge of an epic meltdown), all of the solos were miles better than what was presented on performance night. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that had Legacy done that LXD style solo last night, he might’ve leapfrogged Ryan’s Sympathy Express and kept himself in the competition. And then we were eliminating fools. So thanks to the show’s bullshit injury rules, the Tween Terror is out, which I would’ve been more than happy with last week but this week is causing me to have a minor hissy fit. Legacy is also going home and even though I wanted it last night before the show, it still destroyed me when it happened. No more shirtless Legacy. Let’s have a moment of silence, kittens.
So here’s your final 6. The order reflects how I think the whole thing will shake out. Though this season’s been so topsy turvy, who knows:
Russell – I believe this pretty fool can take it all. He’s extravagantly talented, likeable, magnetic, and charismatic. And gorgeous. Gorgeous always helps. Unca Nigel would not be happy with this win. Russell is supposed to be the feel good growth story, not the winner, but he has enough juice to crash the party.
Ashleigh – Darlings, I confess. I’ve been sleeping on the Fug Princess this whole time. I don’t understand it, but I do think FP will outlast her hubby, Ellenore and at least one of the remaining three dancers. All of whom are far superior to FP. It’s a head scratcher, but there you go.
Jakob – Once again, I think the most talented dancer will not win this show. Maybe next year with Billy Bell?
Kathryn – She’s been building momentum, but I still think she’s not got the Jeanine factor. She might leapfrog FP, but I’ll be shocked if she gets past either of the two solid boy candidates.
Ellenore – Should be much, much higher than this but won’t be because America is apparently blind and crazy. Bitches.
Ryan – On the real, he made it in on the pity vote which will not carry him very far in the finale, I don’t think. Still one of the best partners that the show has ever had. And fine. He’d better be shirtless at several points during next week’s show, is what I’m saying.
Finale? Yes, please, darlings. And then we rest a few weeks and get ready for all the horrible, horrible things they’ve done to Idol in the span of a few short months. I need a drink and it hasn’t even begun yet.
There’s not a lot to say about last night’s show. Shankdaddy is turning ever more horrible the longer he stays on the permanent judges’ panel. Please for the love of all that’s holy, let him get a movie to direct sometime soon so that he can be unavoidably out of pocket for the permanent gig next summer. If we must have a three judge panel, let Ms. Debbie Allen do it. Her voice (and weave) has been sorely missed this season. Cat let us know that auditions for S7 are picking right up again. No rest for the wicked and all that and family, I’m happy that the SYTYCD production team has a strong Puritan work ethic, but take a break already. For real. The seams are showing, show.
Kittens, you know I don’t recap musical performances on this show. I refuse. That’s what I always say. But the Honey Dip was there. Oooh, y’all, he’s still so, so pretty. Hotter than the sun is our Mr. Kris Allen. And see, this is not about the performance at all. The less said about that the better. Poor Honey Dip. I see now why he’s only sold about three copies of his debut album. But he’s still beautiful, though. He’ll always have his looks to fall back on. The other performance, if one can call it that, was just so bizarre. I can’t call it, kiddies. I’ma have to let the good writers from Glee handle it. As the lovely 5th runner up Miss Ohio 2002 said, ''They weren't singing, they were, like, honking, and everyone was crying, and I was like, 'Get off the stage, you're terrible. And you're making me super uncomfortable.''' Yes, well said 5th runner up who will always be Sarah Newlin to me and I miss you, True Blood, more than you know, and if you were going to have someone from Bon Temps on your show, why wouldn’t you pick Jason who is sex on a stick, but maybe that’s not so good because he is contractually obligated to be naked at least once an episode and Glee is not that kind of show, well it is, but Fox is not HBO, so I guess Sarah Newlin is the next best thing and do you see how that Japanese pop girl group has broken my brain, why, Simon Fuller, why?
What else? Sonya’s piece was not all that special. Russell was ruling that center as usual. Jakob was fabulous some more. Ryan continued to surpass my expectations of what a ballroom boy can bring in contemporary and Legacy more than held his own and now I’m getting sad all over again because Mollee turned it out with Kathryn and Ellenore and that threesome could’ve brought some great dancing to the finale next week and FP, for all her growth, I do not believe can serve it up quite like those ladies did and dammit, what have you done, America? Then the bottom four, which included Ellenore and WTF on that as well, did their solos and with the exception of Ryan (who is doing the best that he can, poor baby) and Mollee (who we would soon see was on the verge of an epic meltdown), all of the solos were miles better than what was presented on performance night. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that had Legacy done that LXD style solo last night, he might’ve leapfrogged Ryan’s Sympathy Express and kept himself in the competition. And then we were eliminating fools. So thanks to the show’s bullshit injury rules, the Tween Terror is out, which I would’ve been more than happy with last week but this week is causing me to have a minor hissy fit. Legacy is also going home and even though I wanted it last night before the show, it still destroyed me when it happened. No more shirtless Legacy. Let’s have a moment of silence, kittens.
So here’s your final 6. The order reflects how I think the whole thing will shake out. Though this season’s been so topsy turvy, who knows:
Russell – I believe this pretty fool can take it all. He’s extravagantly talented, likeable, magnetic, and charismatic. And gorgeous. Gorgeous always helps. Unca Nigel would not be happy with this win. Russell is supposed to be the feel good growth story, not the winner, but he has enough juice to crash the party.
Ashleigh – Darlings, I confess. I’ve been sleeping on the Fug Princess this whole time. I don’t understand it, but I do think FP will outlast her hubby, Ellenore and at least one of the remaining three dancers. All of whom are far superior to FP. It’s a head scratcher, but there you go.
Jakob – Once again, I think the most talented dancer will not win this show. Maybe next year with Billy Bell?
Kathryn – She’s been building momentum, but I still think she’s not got the Jeanine factor. She might leapfrog FP, but I’ll be shocked if she gets past either of the two solid boy candidates.
Ellenore – Should be much, much higher than this but won’t be because America is apparently blind and crazy. Bitches.
Ryan – On the real, he made it in on the pity vote which will not carry him very far in the finale, I don’t think. Still one of the best partners that the show has ever had. And fine. He’d better be shirtless at several points during next week’s show, is what I’m saying.
Finale? Yes, please, darlings. And then we rest a few weeks and get ready for all the horrible, horrible things they’ve done to Idol in the span of a few short months. I need a drink and it hasn’t even begun yet.
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