Diva. That is all. She can even make Mary Murphy kind of cute and enjoyable.
Debbie Allen is magic, kittens. And on top of all that, the kids gave good show last night. What more can a girl ask for?
Cat was killing it in the green strapless dress, continuing the trend of Simon Fuller produced shows having the best dressed hosts in creation. And the kids looked like they were ready to join Mischa Barton on the Cedars Sinai mental ward, which means that the crack hos were back in full effect. Debbie and Mary were both struggling with some rather unflattering hair, a trend which would also crop up for poor, bewigged Fat Face later. And with that, we were off to our first group dance of the night.
Does that hurt or is that ethnic?
Girl’s Group Dance/Bollywood – Nakul was back. Yay! We love Nakul, no darlings? What didn’t we love? Fat Face rocking the side French braid. Why? Luckily the other girls all looked yummy in the rehearsal footage. And they were gorgeous in that routine. I loved everything about it. I loved the costumes. I loved the use of the props. All the girls were working it. Kayla maybe working it a little too hard, right? Jeanine was owning that center and all in all, that group dance was oodles of fun. So much better than Mia’s dying angels from last year’s top 5 and I was all set to agree with Ms. Debbie Allen that this year’s top 5, in terms of technique, kicked the other seasons’ donkey, but when I really thought about it, the dancers are usually pretty fierce by the time top 5 rolls around. I mean maybe you can make a case that last season, with both Kherington and Comfort making the top 5, they fell down a skoosh, but in years past, kiddies? Who exactly would be the weak links? Martha? Sara? Mischa Chan? None of those ladies was a favorite of mine, but if pushed, I’ll grudgingly admit that all three of them could turn it out. Good enough to continue the solid trend of good dancers making the girls top 5 will have to be enough for these ladies.
About as Flamboyant as a Bagel
Kayla and Evan/Viennese Waltz (Kiss from a Rose) – Height differential high alert! And leave it up to Melanie to call that shit out. Ha! I frikkin’ love Melanie. The good: Kayla came off as so much more likeable with Evan than with either Maks or Pono. And she was in a gorgeous dress. Aaaand that was about it for the truly good, no? Noodles, they were OK. Kayla is always lovely to watch and Evan at least had decent carriage and he held his own in the lifts. But his footwork was a problem. Mary was exactly right in pointing out that there was no flow to the work in closed hold and they lacked glide and carriage across the dance space. Overall, it was not the train wreck I feared at all. But it was far from the great performance Evan needed to establish himself as a top 4 threat. The best part of this whole performance? “Darling, you handled your big woman.” I love Debbie Allen. I just enjoy her, honey. Chiiiillleee.
Kittens, follow along. I will not be commenting on each individual solo because, what is there to say? Brandon and Ade need to look up the word subtlety and commit the definition to memory and then try to bring some of it to their dancing. Ade might also want to brush up on the definition of musicality while he’s at it. Kupono needs to . . . learn how to do a solo. And never, ever wear clothes of his own creation ever again. For real. Evan was perfection and needs to write a huge thank you letter to his brother for reminding all of America why they used to love him. Randi was Convention 101. (Thank you, Shankdaddy!) Melissa was lovely but kind of just like she always is and now I want another gear from her. Janette and Jeanine are waging an all out war for control of my heart and right now, I can’t see a clear winner. They both embodied fierce. Well, I guess there was more to say than I thought. But not nearly enough to give each one individual attention. So now we can move on.
Young and Single and Loves to Mingle
Janette and Ade/Hip Hop (LoveSexMagic) – These two could’ve been good with anyone. Together, I thought they could be great. And then I saw they got NappyTab and that went out the window, so I was back to praying for good. Which it definitely was, kiddies. NappyTab are soo much better when they are not being 100% literal. And it was a cute concept. Hypnotized by the afro pick. Ade shut it down and Janette was good, although she did get thrown off her game a little bit right at the end when they really went into some harder hitting moves. But overall, I thought it was cute and flirty and fun. And it gave Debbie Allen a chance to call Ade a pimp which by definition means that she was also calling Janette a ho and that little peak into what her inside voice is probably saying like 90% of the time was my favorite TV moment of 2009 to date, so this routine automatically goes up about 1000 points in my estimation. On a serious note, darlings, there is obviously a severe shortage of hip hop choreographers in the greater LA basin which is why the show must use NappyTab every single week, right? I mean, even if they can’t get Dave Scott or Marty Kudelka to come back, they are in the video capital of the world, no? There are other people who know how to make the booty pop. A little variety, please.
You Wanna Accumulate Some Experience?
Jeanine and Jason/Contemporary (If It Kills Me) – Travis Wall, kittens. Travis Frikkin’ Wall! I have been waiting forever for this moment. And of course, they waste it on Jason. Ewww. At least Jeanine got to reap the rewards, no? Because Travis Wall represented for S3. I loved the routine and Jeanine was so gorgeous in it. I really have not got the words. It was so intricate. There was so much in it that I loved. I feel like I need to watch it another five or six . . . hundred times before I can adequately comment. Jason was like the dance equivalent of tastefully muted wallpaper here. He certainly didn’t distract from the routine and he might have even increased it’s value in his own unassuming way, but the boy has no sparkle. Jeanine, luckily, had enough for both of them. And Nigel and Mary and Debbie were so sweet. Proud Mamas and Papa. Darlings, sometimes this show does tug at the heart strings.
You Want Them Lauging With You Not at You
Randi and Kupono/Paso (Dies Irae) – This was another couple that had bad pairing written all over them from the start. For the life of me, I could not see them together at all. At all. And while I’m a fan of Paso, I’m hard pressed to think of when I’ve ever seen a good one on this show. Chuy and Sara probably came closest, but that was ruined by the uniquely horrendous choice by Jean Marc to set the piece to We Will Rock You. Kiddies, do you think it’s time to put this dance style to pasture along with the Quickstep and Russian Folk Dancing? Of course you do, because you’re not crazy! I guess we will have to talk about the dancing. Well it was bad. Bad technique from the jump. They needed more power just all over. And I’m sure that last lift was not supposed to look like that. And then they fell out of the final pose. Not good, kittens. Not good at all.
I Sing the Body Electric
Brandon and Melissa/Broadway (Aquarius) – I had faith that they could overcome their Tasty handicap and they did. At least he wasn’t doing Fosse, although Paula needs some of what Nigel’s smoking if he thought that was anywhere in the neighborhood of what Twyla Tharp can put down. These two were amazingly synchronized throughout. They’re both great dancers with a ton of technique and it showed. And that forward roll into splits in second and then pulling up into a standing position that Brandon did? Insane. That fool is ridiculous. And Melissa’s jetes across the stage? She’s so, so serious. It was overall groovy, but fell kind of flat as the final partner dance after the power and emotion of Travis’ piece.
Less Lip, More Sweat
Boys Group Dance/African –New choreographer, kittens. Yay! Jeffrey Page served on his first SYTYCD outing. That choreography was demanding and the best example of what African is really all about that they have had on the show to date. But noodles, I was disturbed by the way all of the boys, not just Evan, comported themselves during rehearsals. “There are no counts.” “It’s all just done to the rhythm of the music.” “My diamond shoes are too tight.” Cry me a fucking river, gentlemen. Thank heaven for Ms. Debbie Allen reminding us all that technique was not invented by the Bolshoi. I thought Ade, Kupono, and Brandon were fire in the piece. Jason just could not let go, you could see him dying to count in his head, and therefore he danced small and timid. He lacked the requisite abandon. And Evan. Oh, Evan. In addition to offensively chalking up his inability to master the style to his whiteness despite the fact that none of the other boys are actually from Africa and thus not actually African, even though they are colored as the good ole boys say, he also did not even half way bring it. He didn’t even show that he knows what “it” is. And that pasty chest and side view belly paunch have been seared into my retinas and there is just not enough “No” in the world, darlings. I was disappointed.
Never Being Happy Isn’t the Same as Being Unhappy
I won’t even pretend to know who’s going home tonight as I’ve been so off base it isn’t even funny. By rights, Randi and Kupono should be leaving us. Randi is by far the weakest of the girls left, as I pointed out last week, and she had a horrid night last night. Kupono would probably be a better choice to stay than Evan because he doesn’t present as many problems as a partner for the remaining girls. And he has shown some real talent and ability in his Mia and Sonya pieces and was not terrible in his smooth ballroom with Kayla, but I don’t think he did nearly enough last night to overcome Evan’s fan base. We shall see, noodles. I’ll hit y’all back tomorrow.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep10 Don’t Know Much
Well, well, well. Seems we like to keep ‘em guessing, don’t we America? Kayla and Kupono chilling in the safety pit while Melissa and Ade dance for their lives? Jigga what? Randi and Evan put their tiny boots all up in the Chbeeb’s ass and send him and Jeanine on a trip to the abyss? Jigga who? Y’all don’t play. You’re getting the keys to the kingdom next week, darlings, and I’m sure you got the judges skeerid of you.
Take away Kelly Rowland and her tired weave and the unforgivable lack of a dance guest, and you have a wholly satisfying results show, no? There was a shake up in the pecking order among the couples; the B3 kids finally, finally served in their “dance for your life” solos; and more or less the right dancers made it to the top 10. I could recap the solos, but they are like a half second long and all you really need to know is that Melissa was sublime; Caitlin was cute and showed off gorgeous technique; Jeanine seemed nervous and off her game and therefore had a few wobbles falling out of turns and such but still managed to be lovely and vulnerable; Chbeeb showed again that he is a great popper and made me sad all over that he never could do anything else; like his partner, Ade was sublime; and Jason was shirtless which is all to the good because the solo was frantic and desperate again. Most importantly, we got our top 10 noodles. Let’s run them down in the order that I think they will go home!
Top 5 Boys
5. Jason – He has yet to pop. He seems to have lovely technique and he is very pretty, but he lacks . . . something. A special quality. And that has led his dancing to be competent but not magnificent. And it has led the show to downplay his presence. I feel like I know nothing about him. We might as well be going into top 20 week with him just another face in the crowd from Vegas. Pretty can sometimes take you far, and if he gets the right partner, he could sneak through top 10 week. But my money is on him to go home first.
4. Kupono – He’s quirky and the Jasmine Trias rule states that one should never underestimate the Hawaii voting bloc. They are powerhouses, kiddies. That said, his solos have been atrocious and there are times where I want more from him technique wise. More flexibility in his kicks, more amplitude in his leaps, a more finished quality to his movement, to his arms, stronger core, better center. He is limited as a dancer and I think as soon as he gets farther from his comfort zone than he’s been of late (See: his hip hop routine) that will show and he’ll go home.
3. Ade – Let me be clear that I don’t believe Ade is the number 3 guy left in the competition. However, I got burned by Evan’s fan base tonight, so I will give them their due. As we saw with the Hunchback, a cute face and a large and vocal tween fan base can trump a better dancer. (Still miss you, Pasha!) Ade is lovely, but as I was saying yesterday, kittens, he lacks polish. In a couple of years, I believe he will be a beast. Now he’s kind of raw. You can tell he’s still forming who he’ll be as a dancer and it’s been a joy to watch, no? And if he starts to have some break out performances, I think he could leapfrog into the top 4. As it stands now, I think he’ll be the shocking top 6 bootee.
2. Evan – He has underperformed since about Top 16, but I still think Mini-Gene has enough juice to make it all the way to top 4 now that he’s away from the clutches of the judges. He could definitely be tripped up by the height differential and I’m kind of scratching my head at how the partnering is going to work with any other girl save Randi (who I predict will be first girl out). If he winds up in a Ricky/Ashley Tango situation, he could be gone as early this week. I mean, seriously, kittens, can you see him paired up with Kayla? The mind reels. But if the pairings are favorable and the dance styles are kind, he could definitely make it all the way to the finale.
1. Brandon – He was the number one boy last season and he wasn't even on the show. And the bitch hasn’t given an inch. He’s ridiculously talented. He’s versatile. He has a body that will not stop. He’s got a sunny smile and an awesome, funny personality. This kid’s got it all working. I don’t know if he’ll win, but I think he’s the only boy that has a legitimate shot.
Top 5 Girls
5. Randi – Had they hit B3, I thought she should’ve gone this week. Fat face has done far better in this competition than I ever thought she would, but she is just straight up outclassed by perhaps the strongest ladies top 5 in the history of the show. She doesn’t have Melissa’s technique. She can’t match Kayla’s lines, legs, and feet. She’s not the all around dancer that Jeanine is. And the gods all know that she will never be half as all around fierce as Janette even on her best day. I don’t hate Randi, but she is running with the thoroughbreds here and she just doesn’t measure up.
4. Kayla – She has the stench of a failed chosen one like Mischa Chan and Kherington before her. And I think she’s secretly stank. For real. There’s something about her, noodles, that just doesn’t sit right with me. I find her an empty vessel. She’s pretty enough. She has fantastic technique, exquisite lines, good musicality. And yet the whole is so much less than the sum of its parts. When you add her all up, you should get a super competitor, but really, she’s just a girl with a ton of potential. I wish I could see her with more years and wisdom and maturity under her belt. For now, she’s kind of a lightweight.
3. Jeanine – This girl will be killed by lack of exposure. If she had caught some PA’s fancy earlier in the season. If she’d had a better back story, one that could’ve stacked up against untrained salsa dancer and Oldest! Contestant! In the competition! Ever! If she’d lucked into a better partner in the early rounds. If wishes were horses, right? Truth is, none of that happened for Jeanine, and while she is a truly special dancer, I just don’t think there is enough time or show left for her to overtake the final two. Maybe if she pulls Ade/Brandon in successive weeks and gets two utterly stellar routines while the other girls falter. But as it now stands, I expect her to bow out in third place amongst the ladies, which will be a very respectable showing for a contestant who had less than a minute’s worth of screen time going into the top 20.
2. Melissa – The naughty ballerina is on track to making top 4 and who would’ve thunk it? I don’t think she’ll win. Too many tweens in the voting public and to them she’s ancient and her style is one that doesn’t hold much cache. But her technique is just too good to go out much earlier than top 4. She’s proven to be a chameleon able to pick up most of the styles, if not with Janette’s facility. And she’s a great story. 29 is not old in the real world, but in the dance world, it’s practically ancient. To have her come top 4 would be quite a feel good tale for the season, darlings, and it would also set up Mini-Gene’s brother for his run in S6. Think like a Simon, noodles. Always two steps ahead.
1. Janette – She could become the second female winner of this show. Easily. This one is a firecracker. And I hate to toot my own horn, kittens, except for how that’s totally one of my favorite things to do. So let’s look back at what I said about one Miss Manrara in my top 20 preview post:
Janette Manrara – The stars are aligned for this firecracker. She’s sassy; she’s beautiful; and she can dance her ass off. And if, like me, you troll the interwebs looking for film of these kids, then you know, as I do darlings, that this girl is serious. She’s much more than just a salsa specialist. If Nigel pushes hard this year for a girl winner (which I expect him to do) then this girl rises to the top of my list to take it all. She seems like she has the whole package.
So it was written. So it shall be, kittens. We’ll see if I’m right starting next week.
Take away Kelly Rowland and her tired weave and the unforgivable lack of a dance guest, and you have a wholly satisfying results show, no? There was a shake up in the pecking order among the couples; the B3 kids finally, finally served in their “dance for your life” solos; and more or less the right dancers made it to the top 10. I could recap the solos, but they are like a half second long and all you really need to know is that Melissa was sublime; Caitlin was cute and showed off gorgeous technique; Jeanine seemed nervous and off her game and therefore had a few wobbles falling out of turns and such but still managed to be lovely and vulnerable; Chbeeb showed again that he is a great popper and made me sad all over that he never could do anything else; like his partner, Ade was sublime; and Jason was shirtless which is all to the good because the solo was frantic and desperate again. Most importantly, we got our top 10 noodles. Let’s run them down in the order that I think they will go home!
Top 5 Boys
5. Jason – He has yet to pop. He seems to have lovely technique and he is very pretty, but he lacks . . . something. A special quality. And that has led his dancing to be competent but not magnificent. And it has led the show to downplay his presence. I feel like I know nothing about him. We might as well be going into top 20 week with him just another face in the crowd from Vegas. Pretty can sometimes take you far, and if he gets the right partner, he could sneak through top 10 week. But my money is on him to go home first.
4. Kupono – He’s quirky and the Jasmine Trias rule states that one should never underestimate the Hawaii voting bloc. They are powerhouses, kiddies. That said, his solos have been atrocious and there are times where I want more from him technique wise. More flexibility in his kicks, more amplitude in his leaps, a more finished quality to his movement, to his arms, stronger core, better center. He is limited as a dancer and I think as soon as he gets farther from his comfort zone than he’s been of late (See: his hip hop routine) that will show and he’ll go home.
3. Ade – Let me be clear that I don’t believe Ade is the number 3 guy left in the competition. However, I got burned by Evan’s fan base tonight, so I will give them their due. As we saw with the Hunchback, a cute face and a large and vocal tween fan base can trump a better dancer. (Still miss you, Pasha!) Ade is lovely, but as I was saying yesterday, kittens, he lacks polish. In a couple of years, I believe he will be a beast. Now he’s kind of raw. You can tell he’s still forming who he’ll be as a dancer and it’s been a joy to watch, no? And if he starts to have some break out performances, I think he could leapfrog into the top 4. As it stands now, I think he’ll be the shocking top 6 bootee.
2. Evan – He has underperformed since about Top 16, but I still think Mini-Gene has enough juice to make it all the way to top 4 now that he’s away from the clutches of the judges. He could definitely be tripped up by the height differential and I’m kind of scratching my head at how the partnering is going to work with any other girl save Randi (who I predict will be first girl out). If he winds up in a Ricky/Ashley Tango situation, he could be gone as early this week. I mean, seriously, kittens, can you see him paired up with Kayla? The mind reels. But if the pairings are favorable and the dance styles are kind, he could definitely make it all the way to the finale.
1. Brandon – He was the number one boy last season and he wasn't even on the show. And the bitch hasn’t given an inch. He’s ridiculously talented. He’s versatile. He has a body that will not stop. He’s got a sunny smile and an awesome, funny personality. This kid’s got it all working. I don’t know if he’ll win, but I think he’s the only boy that has a legitimate shot.
Top 5 Girls
5. Randi – Had they hit B3, I thought she should’ve gone this week. Fat face has done far better in this competition than I ever thought she would, but she is just straight up outclassed by perhaps the strongest ladies top 5 in the history of the show. She doesn’t have Melissa’s technique. She can’t match Kayla’s lines, legs, and feet. She’s not the all around dancer that Jeanine is. And the gods all know that she will never be half as all around fierce as Janette even on her best day. I don’t hate Randi, but she is running with the thoroughbreds here and she just doesn’t measure up.
4. Kayla – She has the stench of a failed chosen one like Mischa Chan and Kherington before her. And I think she’s secretly stank. For real. There’s something about her, noodles, that just doesn’t sit right with me. I find her an empty vessel. She’s pretty enough. She has fantastic technique, exquisite lines, good musicality. And yet the whole is so much less than the sum of its parts. When you add her all up, you should get a super competitor, but really, she’s just a girl with a ton of potential. I wish I could see her with more years and wisdom and maturity under her belt. For now, she’s kind of a lightweight.
3. Jeanine – This girl will be killed by lack of exposure. If she had caught some PA’s fancy earlier in the season. If she’d had a better back story, one that could’ve stacked up against untrained salsa dancer and Oldest! Contestant! In the competition! Ever! If she’d lucked into a better partner in the early rounds. If wishes were horses, right? Truth is, none of that happened for Jeanine, and while she is a truly special dancer, I just don’t think there is enough time or show left for her to overtake the final two. Maybe if she pulls Ade/Brandon in successive weeks and gets two utterly stellar routines while the other girls falter. But as it now stands, I expect her to bow out in third place amongst the ladies, which will be a very respectable showing for a contestant who had less than a minute’s worth of screen time going into the top 20.
2. Melissa – The naughty ballerina is on track to making top 4 and who would’ve thunk it? I don’t think she’ll win. Too many tweens in the voting public and to them she’s ancient and her style is one that doesn’t hold much cache. But her technique is just too good to go out much earlier than top 4. She’s proven to be a chameleon able to pick up most of the styles, if not with Janette’s facility. And she’s a great story. 29 is not old in the real world, but in the dance world, it’s practically ancient. To have her come top 4 would be quite a feel good tale for the season, darlings, and it would also set up Mini-Gene’s brother for his run in S6. Think like a Simon, noodles. Always two steps ahead.
1. Janette – She could become the second female winner of this show. Easily. This one is a firecracker. And I hate to toot my own horn, kittens, except for how that’s totally one of my favorite things to do. So let’s look back at what I said about one Miss Manrara in my top 20 preview post:
Janette Manrara – The stars are aligned for this firecracker. She’s sassy; she’s beautiful; and she can dance her ass off. And if, like me, you troll the interwebs looking for film of these kids, then you know, as I do darlings, that this girl is serious. She’s much more than just a salsa specialist. If Nigel pushes hard this year for a girl winner (which I expect him to do) then this girl rises to the top of my list to take it all. She seems like she has the whole package.
So it was written. So it shall be, kittens. We’ll see if I’m right starting next week.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
SYTYCD S5 Finals EP9 It Takes Two to Make a Thing Go Right
Cat looked like a goddess rocking the 40’s glam look and that meant we were in for a good night, kittens. Or so I thought. But much like the 40’s which were a time of great highs (like Casablanca!) and great lows (like the actual World War that provided the source material for Casablanca), our show last night was the best of times and the worst of times. The good was ah-mazing: everything Brandon and Janette related; Caitlin finally sparkling as she should have done throughout the competition; Kayla and Kupono’s first routine; the continued emergence of Jeanine as secretly all kinds of awesome; Anya and Pasha choreography; and the long awaited return of Melanie! The bad was indescribable: everything Randi and Evan danced; Chbeeb finally losing the last bit of sparkle that clung to him; Kayla and Kupono’s second routine; the continued realization that Tasty sucks monkey balls; random ass folk dance choreography; and the much dreaded return of NappyTab. On balance, the good outweighed the bad for me, noodles, because we finally got some memorable routines that I want to see on tour. “Which ones?” you might ask. Well, let’s just see, shall we?
Ade and Melissa
Normally, I adore these two, but they were really just kind of there for me tonight, neither great nor terrible. I think they are obviously a lock for top 10, but I’ll be interested to see how they do once they are separated. I have a sneaking suspicion that Melissa might actually fare better than Ade. There is still an unfinished quality to his dancing, which was especially apparent in the Waltz, that puts him a notch below my top guy, Brandon, and could really show him up with a less seasoned partner.
Disco (Move On Up) - Kittens, I said to myself that if Ade and Melissa could conquer a Doriana disco, then they would really prove themselves to be a super couple a la Janette and Brandon. Well, mission somewhat accomplished? Clearly, Doriana used up all of her halfway decent stuff (for she has no good stuff) on B&J, because this routine was out and out crap. I mean, they looked like they were doing aerobics there at the beginning, no? Usually Ade is so smooth with the lifts, but here, ugh. I don’t know if it was just the usual Doriana trick overload (recall how Danny struggled with his lifts in his disco with Lauren) because clearly Melissa knows how to hold her own weight and help her partner. But some of those lifts, darlings, it looked like Ade was hauling cement. And Melissa was so stiff. That routine looked like a parody of disco. In trying to not look cheesy, Melissa and Ade came off looking terribly cheesy. In order to do disco well, you must embrace the cheese. Become one with the cheese. They barely let the cheese get to first base. And then, of course, Melissa fell out of that final pose. Too sad. Nigel lied from the jump, as is his custom with couples he likes. They weren’t awful but they were far from good. Mary couldn’t really see because she was so high her eyes were closed into small slits. As for Tasty, well . . .“It’s not just store bought?” What does that even mean? Tasty is such a bad judge. Awful.
Waltz (You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman) – What a shock to see Ron Montez, kiddies. He hasn’t choreo’d since S1 maybe? These two are always pleasant to watch. And Melissa is lovely; her lines are always so impeccable; her position in that overhead lift and the center on that girl! Heavenly. Ade had a nice moment with the triple turn into the battement. But I had to agree with Mary that Ade lacked a little rise and fall and he could’ve been smoother across the floor. And she called Nigel an English Muffin. Ha! Overall, these two were something more dangerous than bad. They were forgettable. I like both of them immensely, so here’s hoping that getting new partners next week will put a little life back in them.
Kayla and Kupono
Now that I’ve accepted that Kupono is no Mark, I can groove on him without all of the expectations that I had been harboring, which is nice because I do greatly enjoy this Hawaii boy, drama over his druggie family aside. Kayla, on the other hand, is losing charm by the buckets. Technically, you can’t touch her. She’s a gorgeous creature out there on that floor. But she’s missing something, a quality that makes her real in the dance. As much as I hate Mia’s crunchy, Earth Mother speak, I’m going to have to go ahead and say that there is something almost inorganic about Kayla's dancing. She’s like paint by numbers. All of the stuff is there, but she’s lacking inspiration, magic, that intangible quality that makes a true artist. She doesn’t sparkle, and it’s a shame because she has talent to burn. She’s already flamed out with Maks, and Kupono, who has that organic quality in spades, couldn’t save her either. I once thought this little one could be a contender, noodles, but now I’ll be shocked if she reaches top 6 even.
Contemporary (Gravity) – Obviously, Nigel and Co. disagree with me about Kayla as they got Mia and she got a dance smack dab in her wheelhouse for the millionth time in a row. Just, wow. They are really trying to prop this couple up. That said, the dance was pretty. So, so pretty. Both of them showed an excellent quality of movement. Just look at those body rolls at the top of the piece. And that throw. . . uh, gorgeous. Those synchronized leaps? The same ones that Asuka and Vitolio tried to pull off but couldn’t? Gorgeous. Kupono was quite good here. I’m a cynical bitch, as we all know, and I did roll my eyes during his confessional, but I must admit that he was connected and present in that dance in a way that was powerful and lovely to see. Kayla, I wanted more from, as we’ve discussed. Unlike Nigel, I don’t think the hair has anything to do with it. She’s just kind of . . . plastic.
Broadway (The Dance at the Gym) – I want to like this Joey girl and at the very least she did give us a break from Faux!Fosse with some faux Jerome Robbins. I just am finding that Broadway isn’t working for me this year. And truth be told, it normally doesn’t work for me on this show. There have been a few exceptions (and those have mostly been group routines) but I’d put this genre barely above hip hop in terms of the success rate on SYTYCD. This routine was fun and as usual with these two, they showed some solid technique. Nice double turns on both of them. Pretty, clean lines. But just as with Randi and Evan last week, they need to give more. More character work, more expression, more everything. They needed to dance bigger. What did we learn last week, kiddies? Broadway dancing is all about over exaggeration and playing to the cheap seats. What Kayla and Kupono did was lovely and way too restrained to work in this type of piece.
Caitlin and Jason
Finally, finally this week Caitlin worked for me in a partner dance. The technique has always been there, no? But in that Foxtrot, she not only got the steps, but she also got the character, owning that gown and that hair and all that elegance and charm and she gave me the charisma and the shiny that I’ve seen in her better B3 solos. At this point, Randi’s my clear bottom girl, but I think I might like to see Caitlin outlast Kayla, and I definitely wouldn’t have said that last week. As for Jason, well, kittens, one can’t have everything, can one? I will say that in their Mandy Moore piece, shirtless Jason did make an impression. I concede. The fool is pretty. But he’s not special. And he’ll go soon, of that I’ve no doubt.
Foxtrot (Minnie the Moocher) – Melanie is back. Yes, yes, yes! I knew to expect great things from these two as soon as I saw her on screen. And I’ll be darned if that routine didn’t have the dash and sizzle that has been missing from some of Tony’s work this season. And an appropriate music choice. Thank you, Ms. LaPatin. These two got off to a good start right out of the gate. They absolutely looked the part. Caitlin has never looked better. And they used the good work of the crack hos in wardrobe (What? That’s right, shout out to the hos. They had a very good night last night. I must give credit where it’s due) to really get into character. They pulled off a lovely lift into a death drop, and while I might have wanted a little more rise and fall in the dance and I found them slow in parts and the last lift was a little bit tentative, overall that routine was so much fun. Throughout, these two were just oozing style, darlings. Tasty continued to be an ass on the panel here, and in other shocking news, the sky continued to be blue.
Lyrical Jazz (Show Me Heaven) – Good Mandy showed up and the crack hos had the bright idea to get this fool shirtless and look what happened! Caitlin’s beautiful lines shown through. Jason, in addition to being a fine hunk of man candy, was exquisite, light where he needed to be and powerful when it counted. And despite Nigel trying to pile on with his day late and a dollar short criticism of this pair’s connection, I felt that was the most chemistry that they have ever had. I expect these two to survive this week – I mean if BFree’s alien nightmare didn’t sink them, then these two really solid pieces won’t do the trick, and I’m anxious to see them break up. I’ve wanted Caitlin away from Jason forever, and now that she’s starting to find her sparkle, I’ll be interested to see if she can keep it going two weeks in a row. And who knows, darling? Jason just might show me something and justify the good things that Shankdaddy has been saying about him all along. Stranger things have happened.
Jeanine and Phillip
I don’t even want to deal with these two. Jeanine is made of win. She turned it out, upside down, and back around again and I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure out that she was totally carrying the Chbeeb on her back throughout the entire early rounds of this competition. She’s the person that I’m most happy about being released from her partnership and I think she’s a total sleeper to go all the way. The Chbeeb is bad at everything but hip hop. It has been ever thus. Let’s just chalk this entire year up to the long dark night of the hip hop soul, shall we kittens? Play a couple of DVRed episodes of ABDC and S1-3 hip hop from SYTYCD and try to pretend like it never happened.
Russian Folk Dance (Some Russian Folk Song) – Let’s all just remember that despite Unca Nigel’s revisionist history, the Joshua/Twitch Russian dance was a steaming pile of crap. As I said in my finale recap last year, they looked like two little kids having a dance battle in their driveway. So why the producers chose to bring this particular style of dance back is a mystery to me. Of course, Jeanine and Phillip looked like little kids. This is not a style that is ever going to work on this show. All the above being true, is it any wonder that the dance was garbage? Chbeeb’s lines were atrocious. He has no core strength to speak of, so every time he squatted down to do those Russian kicks, it looked like he was about to take a dump. And he partnered Jeanine poorly, which she was able to overcome because she is fabulous. I just don’t understand this whole exercise. Why would they put this on the show?
Jive (Stuff Like That There) – I was confused by the machinations of Simon Fuller here. With the Russian thing and then jive, it seemed clear that they were giving this couple the poison cocktail in order to get rid of Philip before top 10. And yet, I can’t imagine they want a touring company with no hip hop specialists, unless they are planning not to do any hip hop routines on tour this year, which could absolutely be a possibility as all of the hip hop this season has both sucked and blown, no? At least they got Tony and Melanie. I had no faith that Philip could do the jive, and I was vindicated in my belief. Jeanine was really good and she pulled focus from the Chbeeb which was a fucking blessing because he was so very, very not good. And . . . he almost fell. While doing the slowest jive I’ve ever seen. With the least amount of actual jive. Jeanine was cute as a button, and it clearly was the best that the Chbeeb has ever done out of his own style. And he was still really bad. It appears, darlings, that he will ride into the top 10 on Jeanine’s back nonetheless. And more’s the pity for his poor partners.
Randi And Evan
These two had an utterly horrible night and it’s a shame that they had their worst week of the entire competition the week before top 10 because I’m afraid that it’s going to cost at least Evan his spot on tour. And Randi could very well fall with him. They pulled styles that don’t suit them at all and in NappyTab, they got choreographers who do no favors for their dancers, having choreographed three great routines on the show (No Air/Bleeding Love/Party People) two of which I can now no longer watch without ruminating on how important it was that those routines were danced by the exact couples who danced them because they could so easily have turned into the typical, overly literal dreck that NappyTab normally cranks out. I’m worried for Evan most of all. Fat face, I could lose, especially as the unitards have made a triumphant comeback.
Hip Hop (Halo) – I’m sorry, noodles. Did NappyTab just say, with straight faces, that Randi is supposed to be portraying an unwed, pregnant hip hopper? And did Nappy just announce proudly that they had choreographed a move for every syllable in the song? Well, fuck. Of course they did. Of course they had. And they chose to have them dance to Halo and they choreographed Evan making a big halo with his arms while Randi stepped through it with attendant pointing to her heart and up to the heavens. Again, I say, fuck. They looked like cheerleaders. I thought maybe they were competing at the UDA Dance Championships at the Milk House at Walt Disney World, Florida. I don’t even know what that was, kittens, other than crap ass choreography. It certainly wasn’t hip hop. That was like anti-hip hop. They were both bad and deserved relevant criticism from the judges. Too bad they didn’t get it. And while I think Evan lacked just about everything in that piece, the de-pimping with him is out of control. His fan base must be enormous. Nigel is afeared!
Samba (Did not Catch the Song) - That samba just made me mad, noodles, because the choreography was on point and I really, really wanted to see two much better ballroom dancers do it, like say Pasha and Anya themselves. I know the judges are trying to pump the girls up, but seriously here neither Randi nor Evan turned it out. Both of them were disappointing, and Randi should’ve been called on it. Instead, Mary put her on the damn train. Perhaps if she were laying tied across the tracks like Nell in those Dudley DoRight cartoons? Eh, by rights, Randi should definitely go home tonight. Evan should outlast the Chbeeb, but I don’t think he will. Without Randi, there’s no girl left short enough for him to partner effectively. I think that’s a premier reason why, at the end of the day, the show is willing to roll the dice with Phillip in the top 10 and on tour, even though Evan is a stronger dancer.
Janette and Brandon
Save the best for last, right? I will admit up front that I did not write down the song for either of the two routines this couple danced because I couldn’t even take my eyes of the screen for a second. I was captivated. My stars and garters, kiddies, these two are head and shoulders above the pack! They have consistently turned it out week after week after week. And while I’ll be sad to see their partnership broken up, I don’t worry for them at all. I called top 4 for these two last week and nothing that they served up on performance show night makes me question that call even a whit.
Tango – I love that they had the guests from the show a few weeks ago, Leonardo and Miriam, come back as choreographers. They set an incredible piece on these kids. It had to be hands down the most technically demanding tango I have ever seen on this show. And with all of that, these two straight up delivered. Janette looked like a total sex bomb. Her legs were like whoa! And some of the moves they did were astounding. How did they learn to do all that in three hours? How did he flip her around between his legs like that? How did they get those ganchos so clean, so tight? When she whipped her legs around in the air in that assisted lift? Where did she learn how to do that? For a minute there, I thought I was watching Forever Tango, kittens. These two are seriously no joke. I was blown away. Blown away. Best tango ever on this show. And then Tasty had to come on and spout some nonsense about squeezing orange juice. Orange Juice? Really? WTF, Tasty? I think he’s had brain damage.
Jazz – As soon as I heard Cat say they got a Wade jazz routine, I knew that they would kill it. And they did. Wade is some kind of crazy genius. And sure, it wasn’t the best, most original piece that he’s ever choreographed for the show (I definitely saw some recycled steps from both Rama Lama and the Angel/Devil dance he set on the Hunchback and Mischa Chan), but it was quirky, slinky fun. That swivel-y walk forward with hips thrust out, kind of Fosse-esque? Genius. Wade said he was going for a cartoon feel and I definitely got a Spy vs. Spy vibe. And of course, Janette and Brandon were practically flawless. They got the character of the dance. They had the technique. They both have star quality. If one of them doesn’t walk away with the title this year, I’ll be surprised.
Bottom Three
Once again this week, I feel that only Janette and Brandon are 100% safe. Randi and Evan will definitely hit B3, and deservedly so. With that Russian mess they served up, Chbeeb and Jeanine are probably the second couple most likely to, but they may get the sympathy vote for the producers foisting such a horrible style on them and their second routine was not awful thanks almost entirely to Jeanine being fierce. I can see an argument for Kayla and Kupono in B3 because their second dance was not very strong and Kayla is just unlikeable. Jason and Caitlin should probably be safe this week, but their routines were not “best of the night" memorable and they are up against a power couple, in Melissa and Ade, who had a decent night. So if I were a betting woman, kittens, I’d lay my money on Randi/Evan, Kayla/Kupono, and Jason/Caitlin, although Chbeeb/Jeanine stand an outside chance of taking the place of one of the last two couples.
Going Home
If the B3 were as it should be, I’d send Chbeeb and Randi packing. As I doubt Chbeeb will hit B3, and even if he does, I doubt the judges will let him go having built up the narrative of “Phillip has his best, most grow-y week outside his specialty ever,” I’m anticipating losing the Liliputians this evening as Randi and Evan exit, stage right.
Ade and Melissa
Normally, I adore these two, but they were really just kind of there for me tonight, neither great nor terrible. I think they are obviously a lock for top 10, but I’ll be interested to see how they do once they are separated. I have a sneaking suspicion that Melissa might actually fare better than Ade. There is still an unfinished quality to his dancing, which was especially apparent in the Waltz, that puts him a notch below my top guy, Brandon, and could really show him up with a less seasoned partner.
Disco (Move On Up) - Kittens, I said to myself that if Ade and Melissa could conquer a Doriana disco, then they would really prove themselves to be a super couple a la Janette and Brandon. Well, mission somewhat accomplished? Clearly, Doriana used up all of her halfway decent stuff (for she has no good stuff) on B&J, because this routine was out and out crap. I mean, they looked like they were doing aerobics there at the beginning, no? Usually Ade is so smooth with the lifts, but here, ugh. I don’t know if it was just the usual Doriana trick overload (recall how Danny struggled with his lifts in his disco with Lauren) because clearly Melissa knows how to hold her own weight and help her partner. But some of those lifts, darlings, it looked like Ade was hauling cement. And Melissa was so stiff. That routine looked like a parody of disco. In trying to not look cheesy, Melissa and Ade came off looking terribly cheesy. In order to do disco well, you must embrace the cheese. Become one with the cheese. They barely let the cheese get to first base. And then, of course, Melissa fell out of that final pose. Too sad. Nigel lied from the jump, as is his custom with couples he likes. They weren’t awful but they were far from good. Mary couldn’t really see because she was so high her eyes were closed into small slits. As for Tasty, well . . .“It’s not just store bought?” What does that even mean? Tasty is such a bad judge. Awful.
Waltz (You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman) – What a shock to see Ron Montez, kiddies. He hasn’t choreo’d since S1 maybe? These two are always pleasant to watch. And Melissa is lovely; her lines are always so impeccable; her position in that overhead lift and the center on that girl! Heavenly. Ade had a nice moment with the triple turn into the battement. But I had to agree with Mary that Ade lacked a little rise and fall and he could’ve been smoother across the floor. And she called Nigel an English Muffin. Ha! Overall, these two were something more dangerous than bad. They were forgettable. I like both of them immensely, so here’s hoping that getting new partners next week will put a little life back in them.
Kayla and Kupono
Now that I’ve accepted that Kupono is no Mark, I can groove on him without all of the expectations that I had been harboring, which is nice because I do greatly enjoy this Hawaii boy, drama over his druggie family aside. Kayla, on the other hand, is losing charm by the buckets. Technically, you can’t touch her. She’s a gorgeous creature out there on that floor. But she’s missing something, a quality that makes her real in the dance. As much as I hate Mia’s crunchy, Earth Mother speak, I’m going to have to go ahead and say that there is something almost inorganic about Kayla's dancing. She’s like paint by numbers. All of the stuff is there, but she’s lacking inspiration, magic, that intangible quality that makes a true artist. She doesn’t sparkle, and it’s a shame because she has talent to burn. She’s already flamed out with Maks, and Kupono, who has that organic quality in spades, couldn’t save her either. I once thought this little one could be a contender, noodles, but now I’ll be shocked if she reaches top 6 even.
Contemporary (Gravity) – Obviously, Nigel and Co. disagree with me about Kayla as they got Mia and she got a dance smack dab in her wheelhouse for the millionth time in a row. Just, wow. They are really trying to prop this couple up. That said, the dance was pretty. So, so pretty. Both of them showed an excellent quality of movement. Just look at those body rolls at the top of the piece. And that throw. . . uh, gorgeous. Those synchronized leaps? The same ones that Asuka and Vitolio tried to pull off but couldn’t? Gorgeous. Kupono was quite good here. I’m a cynical bitch, as we all know, and I did roll my eyes during his confessional, but I must admit that he was connected and present in that dance in a way that was powerful and lovely to see. Kayla, I wanted more from, as we’ve discussed. Unlike Nigel, I don’t think the hair has anything to do with it. She’s just kind of . . . plastic.
Broadway (The Dance at the Gym) – I want to like this Joey girl and at the very least she did give us a break from Faux!Fosse with some faux Jerome Robbins. I just am finding that Broadway isn’t working for me this year. And truth be told, it normally doesn’t work for me on this show. There have been a few exceptions (and those have mostly been group routines) but I’d put this genre barely above hip hop in terms of the success rate on SYTYCD. This routine was fun and as usual with these two, they showed some solid technique. Nice double turns on both of them. Pretty, clean lines. But just as with Randi and Evan last week, they need to give more. More character work, more expression, more everything. They needed to dance bigger. What did we learn last week, kiddies? Broadway dancing is all about over exaggeration and playing to the cheap seats. What Kayla and Kupono did was lovely and way too restrained to work in this type of piece.
Caitlin and Jason
Finally, finally this week Caitlin worked for me in a partner dance. The technique has always been there, no? But in that Foxtrot, she not only got the steps, but she also got the character, owning that gown and that hair and all that elegance and charm and she gave me the charisma and the shiny that I’ve seen in her better B3 solos. At this point, Randi’s my clear bottom girl, but I think I might like to see Caitlin outlast Kayla, and I definitely wouldn’t have said that last week. As for Jason, well, kittens, one can’t have everything, can one? I will say that in their Mandy Moore piece, shirtless Jason did make an impression. I concede. The fool is pretty. But he’s not special. And he’ll go soon, of that I’ve no doubt.
Foxtrot (Minnie the Moocher) – Melanie is back. Yes, yes, yes! I knew to expect great things from these two as soon as I saw her on screen. And I’ll be darned if that routine didn’t have the dash and sizzle that has been missing from some of Tony’s work this season. And an appropriate music choice. Thank you, Ms. LaPatin. These two got off to a good start right out of the gate. They absolutely looked the part. Caitlin has never looked better. And they used the good work of the crack hos in wardrobe (What? That’s right, shout out to the hos. They had a very good night last night. I must give credit where it’s due) to really get into character. They pulled off a lovely lift into a death drop, and while I might have wanted a little more rise and fall in the dance and I found them slow in parts and the last lift was a little bit tentative, overall that routine was so much fun. Throughout, these two were just oozing style, darlings. Tasty continued to be an ass on the panel here, and in other shocking news, the sky continued to be blue.
Lyrical Jazz (Show Me Heaven) – Good Mandy showed up and the crack hos had the bright idea to get this fool shirtless and look what happened! Caitlin’s beautiful lines shown through. Jason, in addition to being a fine hunk of man candy, was exquisite, light where he needed to be and powerful when it counted. And despite Nigel trying to pile on with his day late and a dollar short criticism of this pair’s connection, I felt that was the most chemistry that they have ever had. I expect these two to survive this week – I mean if BFree’s alien nightmare didn’t sink them, then these two really solid pieces won’t do the trick, and I’m anxious to see them break up. I’ve wanted Caitlin away from Jason forever, and now that she’s starting to find her sparkle, I’ll be interested to see if she can keep it going two weeks in a row. And who knows, darling? Jason just might show me something and justify the good things that Shankdaddy has been saying about him all along. Stranger things have happened.
Jeanine and Phillip
I don’t even want to deal with these two. Jeanine is made of win. She turned it out, upside down, and back around again and I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure out that she was totally carrying the Chbeeb on her back throughout the entire early rounds of this competition. She’s the person that I’m most happy about being released from her partnership and I think she’s a total sleeper to go all the way. The Chbeeb is bad at everything but hip hop. It has been ever thus. Let’s just chalk this entire year up to the long dark night of the hip hop soul, shall we kittens? Play a couple of DVRed episodes of ABDC and S1-3 hip hop from SYTYCD and try to pretend like it never happened.
Russian Folk Dance (Some Russian Folk Song) – Let’s all just remember that despite Unca Nigel’s revisionist history, the Joshua/Twitch Russian dance was a steaming pile of crap. As I said in my finale recap last year, they looked like two little kids having a dance battle in their driveway. So why the producers chose to bring this particular style of dance back is a mystery to me. Of course, Jeanine and Phillip looked like little kids. This is not a style that is ever going to work on this show. All the above being true, is it any wonder that the dance was garbage? Chbeeb’s lines were atrocious. He has no core strength to speak of, so every time he squatted down to do those Russian kicks, it looked like he was about to take a dump. And he partnered Jeanine poorly, which she was able to overcome because she is fabulous. I just don’t understand this whole exercise. Why would they put this on the show?
Jive (Stuff Like That There) – I was confused by the machinations of Simon Fuller here. With the Russian thing and then jive, it seemed clear that they were giving this couple the poison cocktail in order to get rid of Philip before top 10. And yet, I can’t imagine they want a touring company with no hip hop specialists, unless they are planning not to do any hip hop routines on tour this year, which could absolutely be a possibility as all of the hip hop this season has both sucked and blown, no? At least they got Tony and Melanie. I had no faith that Philip could do the jive, and I was vindicated in my belief. Jeanine was really good and she pulled focus from the Chbeeb which was a fucking blessing because he was so very, very not good. And . . . he almost fell. While doing the slowest jive I’ve ever seen. With the least amount of actual jive. Jeanine was cute as a button, and it clearly was the best that the Chbeeb has ever done out of his own style. And he was still really bad. It appears, darlings, that he will ride into the top 10 on Jeanine’s back nonetheless. And more’s the pity for his poor partners.
Randi And Evan
These two had an utterly horrible night and it’s a shame that they had their worst week of the entire competition the week before top 10 because I’m afraid that it’s going to cost at least Evan his spot on tour. And Randi could very well fall with him. They pulled styles that don’t suit them at all and in NappyTab, they got choreographers who do no favors for their dancers, having choreographed three great routines on the show (No Air/Bleeding Love/Party People) two of which I can now no longer watch without ruminating on how important it was that those routines were danced by the exact couples who danced them because they could so easily have turned into the typical, overly literal dreck that NappyTab normally cranks out. I’m worried for Evan most of all. Fat face, I could lose, especially as the unitards have made a triumphant comeback.
Hip Hop (Halo) – I’m sorry, noodles. Did NappyTab just say, with straight faces, that Randi is supposed to be portraying an unwed, pregnant hip hopper? And did Nappy just announce proudly that they had choreographed a move for every syllable in the song? Well, fuck. Of course they did. Of course they had. And they chose to have them dance to Halo and they choreographed Evan making a big halo with his arms while Randi stepped through it with attendant pointing to her heart and up to the heavens. Again, I say, fuck. They looked like cheerleaders. I thought maybe they were competing at the UDA Dance Championships at the Milk House at Walt Disney World, Florida. I don’t even know what that was, kittens, other than crap ass choreography. It certainly wasn’t hip hop. That was like anti-hip hop. They were both bad and deserved relevant criticism from the judges. Too bad they didn’t get it. And while I think Evan lacked just about everything in that piece, the de-pimping with him is out of control. His fan base must be enormous. Nigel is afeared!
Samba (Did not Catch the Song) - That samba just made me mad, noodles, because the choreography was on point and I really, really wanted to see two much better ballroom dancers do it, like say Pasha and Anya themselves. I know the judges are trying to pump the girls up, but seriously here neither Randi nor Evan turned it out. Both of them were disappointing, and Randi should’ve been called on it. Instead, Mary put her on the damn train. Perhaps if she were laying tied across the tracks like Nell in those Dudley DoRight cartoons? Eh, by rights, Randi should definitely go home tonight. Evan should outlast the Chbeeb, but I don’t think he will. Without Randi, there’s no girl left short enough for him to partner effectively. I think that’s a premier reason why, at the end of the day, the show is willing to roll the dice with Phillip in the top 10 and on tour, even though Evan is a stronger dancer.
Janette and Brandon
Save the best for last, right? I will admit up front that I did not write down the song for either of the two routines this couple danced because I couldn’t even take my eyes of the screen for a second. I was captivated. My stars and garters, kiddies, these two are head and shoulders above the pack! They have consistently turned it out week after week after week. And while I’ll be sad to see their partnership broken up, I don’t worry for them at all. I called top 4 for these two last week and nothing that they served up on performance show night makes me question that call even a whit.
Tango – I love that they had the guests from the show a few weeks ago, Leonardo and Miriam, come back as choreographers. They set an incredible piece on these kids. It had to be hands down the most technically demanding tango I have ever seen on this show. And with all of that, these two straight up delivered. Janette looked like a total sex bomb. Her legs were like whoa! And some of the moves they did were astounding. How did they learn to do all that in three hours? How did he flip her around between his legs like that? How did they get those ganchos so clean, so tight? When she whipped her legs around in the air in that assisted lift? Where did she learn how to do that? For a minute there, I thought I was watching Forever Tango, kittens. These two are seriously no joke. I was blown away. Blown away. Best tango ever on this show. And then Tasty had to come on and spout some nonsense about squeezing orange juice. Orange Juice? Really? WTF, Tasty? I think he’s had brain damage.
Jazz – As soon as I heard Cat say they got a Wade jazz routine, I knew that they would kill it. And they did. Wade is some kind of crazy genius. And sure, it wasn’t the best, most original piece that he’s ever choreographed for the show (I definitely saw some recycled steps from both Rama Lama and the Angel/Devil dance he set on the Hunchback and Mischa Chan), but it was quirky, slinky fun. That swivel-y walk forward with hips thrust out, kind of Fosse-esque? Genius. Wade said he was going for a cartoon feel and I definitely got a Spy vs. Spy vibe. And of course, Janette and Brandon were practically flawless. They got the character of the dance. They had the technique. They both have star quality. If one of them doesn’t walk away with the title this year, I’ll be surprised.
Bottom Three
Once again this week, I feel that only Janette and Brandon are 100% safe. Randi and Evan will definitely hit B3, and deservedly so. With that Russian mess they served up, Chbeeb and Jeanine are probably the second couple most likely to, but they may get the sympathy vote for the producers foisting such a horrible style on them and their second routine was not awful thanks almost entirely to Jeanine being fierce. I can see an argument for Kayla and Kupono in B3 because their second dance was not very strong and Kayla is just unlikeable. Jason and Caitlin should probably be safe this week, but their routines were not “best of the night" memorable and they are up against a power couple, in Melissa and Ade, who had a decent night. So if I were a betting woman, kittens, I’d lay my money on Randi/Evan, Kayla/Kupono, and Jason/Caitlin, although Chbeeb/Jeanine stand an outside chance of taking the place of one of the last two couples.
Going Home
If the B3 were as it should be, I’d send Chbeeb and Randi packing. As I doubt Chbeeb will hit B3, and even if he does, I doubt the judges will let him go having built up the narrative of “Phillip has his best, most grow-y week outside his specialty ever,” I’m anticipating losing the Liliputians this evening as Randi and Evan exit, stage right.
Friday, July 3, 2009
SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep8 Same As It Ever Was
So, no surprises. America did not find a way to foil the producer’s nefarious plans to drop Karla and Vitolio like bad habits. Kittens, it’s a sad day when the invited special guest performers are a million times more entertaining than the kids who are starring on this show. But kudos to Simon Fuller and Co. for landing Desmond Richardson and Patricia Hachey and the original American Idol and eternal keeper of the EEEEeeeeeee Miss Kelly Clarkson. Righteous! And they did not disappoint, right? That pas de deux was mesmerizing and the gran plies in second (and en pointe in the case of Ms. Hachey)? What? That was beyond ridiculous. Miss Clarkson? Forget about it. She is more adorable than a box of kittens. And I love the little shimmy shake on the “I don’t come cheap” line. So, so cute. And she consistently resists attempts by the industry (read: the undead husk of Clive Davis) to become a skinny bobble head.
Other thoughts on the show? Well, darlings, Cat Deeley’s decision to forego the ministrations of the crack hos in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up has in general paid off in spades, but last night was something of a misstep. Her hair looked like she’d just had some great sex on the couch in her dressing room which is great for her but sad for the hair. As for the dress, well in addition to the fact that it was made from the Studio 57 disco ball, I feared that we were about to learn more about Cat Deeley’s hooha than we ever needed to know. But everyone has their off days, and her batting average is still so far above the crack hos that they can’t even count that high.
As for the B3, well, I was disappointed by not surprised, kiddies. They set out to get Karla and Vitolio and they got them. I have to sadly admit that Kupono is not Mark 2.0 and Kayla is not Chelsea. I have been trying to fall in love with the Hawaii boy and the girl with the lovely feet, but it’s just not the same. Kayla’s bitch baby routine each time she hits B3 is not cute and it certainly doesn’t help that her solos make her out to be the kind of hair flinging nightmare I originally feared upon first catching a glimpse of her in the audition rounds. And I know six year olds who have better chenais turns than Kupono, kittens. Tragic. At least the Chbeeb and Jeanine hit B3. Their solos were made of win, especially Jeanine who displayed flawless technique and center from heaven. I have been so not knowing about that one. And while the Chbeeb’s solo was fantastic, he can still only do hip hop well. If he does make top 10, he will be a drag on his partners. Trust. I foresee many, many work arounds for the choreographers until he goes home. The Twitch/Katee door routine times a million.
The primary saving grace of last night’s show was that I got to see it live and in person from CBS Television City, what? That’s right, noodles! Your loyal blogger was in the house. And not only did I see the results show, they also did some pre-taping for the 100th episode special which I will write about anon, so if you don’t like spoilers, then please don’t read my next post. But you know you want to read it because it is going to be awesome. It’s a Katie Holmes free zone, I promise.
Other thoughts on the show? Well, darlings, Cat Deeley’s decision to forego the ministrations of the crack hos in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up has in general paid off in spades, but last night was something of a misstep. Her hair looked like she’d just had some great sex on the couch in her dressing room which is great for her but sad for the hair. As for the dress, well in addition to the fact that it was made from the Studio 57 disco ball, I feared that we were about to learn more about Cat Deeley’s hooha than we ever needed to know. But everyone has their off days, and her batting average is still so far above the crack hos that they can’t even count that high.
As for the B3, well, I was disappointed by not surprised, kiddies. They set out to get Karla and Vitolio and they got them. I have to sadly admit that Kupono is not Mark 2.0 and Kayla is not Chelsea. I have been trying to fall in love with the Hawaii boy and the girl with the lovely feet, but it’s just not the same. Kayla’s bitch baby routine each time she hits B3 is not cute and it certainly doesn’t help that her solos make her out to be the kind of hair flinging nightmare I originally feared upon first catching a glimpse of her in the audition rounds. And I know six year olds who have better chenais turns than Kupono, kittens. Tragic. At least the Chbeeb and Jeanine hit B3. Their solos were made of win, especially Jeanine who displayed flawless technique and center from heaven. I have been so not knowing about that one. And while the Chbeeb’s solo was fantastic, he can still only do hip hop well. If he does make top 10, he will be a drag on his partners. Trust. I foresee many, many work arounds for the choreographers until he goes home. The Twitch/Katee door routine times a million.
The primary saving grace of last night’s show was that I got to see it live and in person from CBS Television City, what? That’s right, noodles! Your loyal blogger was in the house. And not only did I see the results show, they also did some pre-taping for the 100th episode special which I will write about anon, so if you don’t like spoilers, then please don’t read my next post. But you know you want to read it because it is going to be awesome. It’s a Katie Holmes free zone, I promise.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep7 No Vaseline
Kittens, if you are familiar with the Ice Cube oeuvre, then you know what I’m talking about. Or if you’ve ever seen an episode of OZ. Tremendous amounts of bullshit were strewn on that dance floor last night, no? Let’s start off by acknowledging that the dancing was good to excellent last night with none of the couples really having a miss. And normally, I care not one whit for the backstage machinations of Simon Fuller and Co. because we all are aware that this “reality” competition is about as real as Mary’s weave. But, darlings, come on. Last night strained all credibility and exposed the producer’s agenda so blatantly that the disrespect burned. If they really wanted Karla and Vitolio gone that badly, noodles, they should’ve just kicked two couples off last week and given us this week as a free performance by your top 12, no? All that said, BFree and his magnificent weirdness may foil Unca Nigel’s plans and get Caitlin and Jason sent home instead and that’s just one more reason to love the awesomeness that is Brian Friedman. But let’s get down to the grimy business of last night’s show, shall we?
Light ‘Em Up, Burn ‘Em Up, Flame On
Janette and Brandon/Cha Cha (Hush, Hush; Hush, Hush) – These two have not missed a step and they were “Oh my stars and garters!” amazing once again last night. Keeping with last night’s theme of fucking over Karla and Vitolio, the dance was style adjacent for Janette, but mercy did she bring it darlings! All of her steps were so down into the floor and the snap in those legs? Fire. And Brandon is a superstar. On occasion, he had the stiff arm, pinky of terror pose going when he was turning Janette, but other than that I was floored by how well he picked up that ballroom technique. As Mary pointed out, his feet were gorgeous in that number, good hip action, excellent carriage. And Jean Marc and Franz did not hold back in that piece. There was some tough stuff in there. I’d put money on these two getting to top 4. Now give them either a contemporary piece or a real salsa. I know someone in LA besides Alex da Silva is available and knows how to choreograph a salsa. Hell, I bet Janette could probably do it herself.
This is where I will take a break to state that I will not be recapping Mia. She had some good points during last night’s judging and gave some helpful notes to the dancers, but heavens I have never seen someone who needs to get over herself more. The show is not about her, or any of the other choreographers for that matter, it’s about the dancers. She is reaching Judge #4 levels for me. I really do not want her on panel again.
Kayla and Kupono/Contemporary (Eyes on Fire) – Sigh. I loved this piece. I love the two of them with Sonya. They both showed amazing body control here. The lifts were lovely. Darlings, you know how much I love Kayla’s feet, but Kupono displayed some fantastic feet of his own. And leaps with nice amplitude. And More flexibility than I knew he had. He rocked it. I thought they were exquisite. So why the sigh? Can you say unfair advantage, noodles? And these two don’t even need it. They are wonderful dancers. Challenge them to get out of their comfort zone. Kayla needs to do some hip hop right the hell now and Kupono needs to show that he can master it. They need to do a ballroom dance, smooth or Latin, that is not just a contemporary piece in disguise. They are a lock for top 10, especially Kayla, but if they go any farther, I want them to earn it.
Karla and Vitolio/Quickstep (Putting on the Ritz) – Jean Marc and Franz have put together some really great numbers for the show this year and I am loving that they are giving Franz equal billing because hello? Homegirl is fierce. So I adored this routine. The concept was great; there was a decent amount of actual Quickstep; the choreography called for the dancers to spend a good amount of time in closed hold. And best of all, of course, Karla and Vitolio put their foot in this dance and offered up a big old “Fuck you” to Nigel. Both of them held their frames quite nicely even in closed hold, which so rarely happens with couples where neither partner has a ballroom background. And the side by side dancing was so, so pretty. Vitolio got the character of the dance more than Karla, but she definitely held her own. What a fun piece! I can see why it got the pimp slot. Now it’s up to y’all to do the right thing, kiddies. We’ll see if you did soon enough.
Now Let’s Play Big Bank Take Little Bank
Melissa and Ade/Pas de Deux (Romeo and Juliet) – Kittens, raise your hand if you find it even the least bit plausible that Melissa has never danced this piece before in her 29 years of ballerina-dom? Nobody? OK, then. Look, she was lovely. She had a light, airy quality. She brought the innocence and joy necessary to the piece. Her pointe work was exquisite. But really? And isn’t she from LA? Do we really believe that she is not familiar with Thordal Christensen, the artistic director of the LA City Ballet? Hmmmm. I think I’ll pass on the Kool Aid, Mr. Jones. Ade gave it the old college try and for a non-balletomane, he did a good job, but some of those lifts were labored and he got tangled up in his feet quite a bit. It was lovely and rigged and Melissa outshone Ade in every way possible.
Jeanine and Phillip/Hip Hop (Love Lockdown) – NappyTab for this couple again. How utterly unexpected. And they’re in their literal vein (Do they have another one?) and we know how much mama loves that about them, don’t we? It was a clever routine. Everyone raves about NappyTab’s smooth hip hop but I actually think that some of their harder hitting stuff is more successful when the dancers can handle it, think Mark and Comfort’s NappyTab routine to Party People. And Phillip and Jeanine definitely hit it. The chain was overly literal and not necessary because the choreography was strong enough to stand on its own. Shame that NappyTab are not confident enough in their work to forego the gimmicks. And Jeanine outdanced Chbeeb again. Some more. And this time in his own style. Darlings, I’m so over the Chbeeb. I really, really want for him to go home before top 10 because he’s just a limited dancer. Obviously Simon and Unca Nigel have other plans.
Ya Done Run 100 Miles, But You Still Got One to Go
Randi and Evan/Broadway (Rich Man’s Frug) – I’ve lost my ability to be outraged at the blatant rigging, so now let’s be outraged about something else. Down with the faux Fosse! Joey Dowling does it better than Tasty Oreo, but that’s very faint praise. SYTYCD, let me introduce you to Jerome Robbins, Gower Champion, Robert Alton, Agnes De Mille, Jack Cole, and we could go on. I mean, it’s so predictable, so cliché at this point to see Fosse, Fosse, Fosse all over that stage. As for the dance, I wanted more from these two. Neither of them seemed to have a clue what Sweet Charity is actually about, which is a fault again of the choreographer, and since they didn’t get the show, they couldn’t give the character work that they needed to make the number sing. And they both needed to dance so much bigger. Broadway is all about over-exaggeration and playing to the back of the house and these two would’ve barely made it to the orchestra rows. It was cute, and as I’ve said so many times before, Fosse should never be cute. But I enjoy these two in general, and Fat Face, despite her unfortunate return to the unitard this week, has grown on me tremendously. I think they should both hit B3 this week, but neither should be in any danger of going home.
You Could Yell All Day But You Don’t Come Close
Caitlin and Jason/Pop Jazz (Creator) – That was a great routine with a killer song. Unfortunately, these two just do not work at all as a couple. Taken individually, each one of them danced this piece well. They both have solid technique. Caitlin gave good lines. Jason was super clean and displayed some real power and lift in his jumps and had lovely lines himself. The choreography had a lot of intricate hand motions, for Caitlin especially, which they both mastered pretty well. But I felt no connection between them. Caitlin as a menacing alien on the make? Yeah, she was about as menacing as a basket of kittens. Jason scared for his life and finally impregnated? Umm, he looked like he needed some Gas-X, noodles. They might have thought they were committing, but to what? Certainly not to each other. Both of them played to the audience way more than to their partner. I’m tired of these two. Jason never sat well with me and while I still think Caitlin sparkles on her own (her intro dance was a joy), she just hasn’t gelled on this show. I wish she’d had a different partner, but she didn’t, and they’ve turned in a couple of lackluster performances in a row, so it’s time for them to go home now.
On a Permanent Vacation
I can’t see how Caitlin and Jason avoid B3 this week. They should be joined by Evan and Randi and Phillip and Jeanine, not because the latter were bad, but they just weren’t up to the standard of the other couples who were excellent at shit that they should have been excellent in. Ahem. Darlings, the show is trying so hard to ensure that Vitolio and Karla leave tonight, that I’ll be quite pleased if anyone but those two goes home. I’m gonna go ahead and put it on Caitlin and Jason, and I think it’s earned for the extreme lack of sparkage. I still feel dirty from the foulness of this whole sorry affair, noodles. Thanks goodness we have the original EEEeeeeeeee! Ms. Kelly Clarkson to look forward to as a palate cleanser.
Light ‘Em Up, Burn ‘Em Up, Flame On
Janette and Brandon/Cha Cha (Hush, Hush; Hush, Hush) – These two have not missed a step and they were “Oh my stars and garters!” amazing once again last night. Keeping with last night’s theme of fucking over Karla and Vitolio, the dance was style adjacent for Janette, but mercy did she bring it darlings! All of her steps were so down into the floor and the snap in those legs? Fire. And Brandon is a superstar. On occasion, he had the stiff arm, pinky of terror pose going when he was turning Janette, but other than that I was floored by how well he picked up that ballroom technique. As Mary pointed out, his feet were gorgeous in that number, good hip action, excellent carriage. And Jean Marc and Franz did not hold back in that piece. There was some tough stuff in there. I’d put money on these two getting to top 4. Now give them either a contemporary piece or a real salsa. I know someone in LA besides Alex da Silva is available and knows how to choreograph a salsa. Hell, I bet Janette could probably do it herself.
This is where I will take a break to state that I will not be recapping Mia. She had some good points during last night’s judging and gave some helpful notes to the dancers, but heavens I have never seen someone who needs to get over herself more. The show is not about her, or any of the other choreographers for that matter, it’s about the dancers. She is reaching Judge #4 levels for me. I really do not want her on panel again.
Kayla and Kupono/Contemporary (Eyes on Fire) – Sigh. I loved this piece. I love the two of them with Sonya. They both showed amazing body control here. The lifts were lovely. Darlings, you know how much I love Kayla’s feet, but Kupono displayed some fantastic feet of his own. And leaps with nice amplitude. And More flexibility than I knew he had. He rocked it. I thought they were exquisite. So why the sigh? Can you say unfair advantage, noodles? And these two don’t even need it. They are wonderful dancers. Challenge them to get out of their comfort zone. Kayla needs to do some hip hop right the hell now and Kupono needs to show that he can master it. They need to do a ballroom dance, smooth or Latin, that is not just a contemporary piece in disguise. They are a lock for top 10, especially Kayla, but if they go any farther, I want them to earn it.
Karla and Vitolio/Quickstep (Putting on the Ritz) – Jean Marc and Franz have put together some really great numbers for the show this year and I am loving that they are giving Franz equal billing because hello? Homegirl is fierce. So I adored this routine. The concept was great; there was a decent amount of actual Quickstep; the choreography called for the dancers to spend a good amount of time in closed hold. And best of all, of course, Karla and Vitolio put their foot in this dance and offered up a big old “Fuck you” to Nigel. Both of them held their frames quite nicely even in closed hold, which so rarely happens with couples where neither partner has a ballroom background. And the side by side dancing was so, so pretty. Vitolio got the character of the dance more than Karla, but she definitely held her own. What a fun piece! I can see why it got the pimp slot. Now it’s up to y’all to do the right thing, kiddies. We’ll see if you did soon enough.
Now Let’s Play Big Bank Take Little Bank
Melissa and Ade/Pas de Deux (Romeo and Juliet) – Kittens, raise your hand if you find it even the least bit plausible that Melissa has never danced this piece before in her 29 years of ballerina-dom? Nobody? OK, then. Look, she was lovely. She had a light, airy quality. She brought the innocence and joy necessary to the piece. Her pointe work was exquisite. But really? And isn’t she from LA? Do we really believe that she is not familiar with Thordal Christensen, the artistic director of the LA City Ballet? Hmmmm. I think I’ll pass on the Kool Aid, Mr. Jones. Ade gave it the old college try and for a non-balletomane, he did a good job, but some of those lifts were labored and he got tangled up in his feet quite a bit. It was lovely and rigged and Melissa outshone Ade in every way possible.
Jeanine and Phillip/Hip Hop (Love Lockdown) – NappyTab for this couple again. How utterly unexpected. And they’re in their literal vein (Do they have another one?) and we know how much mama loves that about them, don’t we? It was a clever routine. Everyone raves about NappyTab’s smooth hip hop but I actually think that some of their harder hitting stuff is more successful when the dancers can handle it, think Mark and Comfort’s NappyTab routine to Party People. And Phillip and Jeanine definitely hit it. The chain was overly literal and not necessary because the choreography was strong enough to stand on its own. Shame that NappyTab are not confident enough in their work to forego the gimmicks. And Jeanine outdanced Chbeeb again. Some more. And this time in his own style. Darlings, I’m so over the Chbeeb. I really, really want for him to go home before top 10 because he’s just a limited dancer. Obviously Simon and Unca Nigel have other plans.
Ya Done Run 100 Miles, But You Still Got One to Go
Randi and Evan/Broadway (Rich Man’s Frug) – I’ve lost my ability to be outraged at the blatant rigging, so now let’s be outraged about something else. Down with the faux Fosse! Joey Dowling does it better than Tasty Oreo, but that’s very faint praise. SYTYCD, let me introduce you to Jerome Robbins, Gower Champion, Robert Alton, Agnes De Mille, Jack Cole, and we could go on. I mean, it’s so predictable, so cliché at this point to see Fosse, Fosse, Fosse all over that stage. As for the dance, I wanted more from these two. Neither of them seemed to have a clue what Sweet Charity is actually about, which is a fault again of the choreographer, and since they didn’t get the show, they couldn’t give the character work that they needed to make the number sing. And they both needed to dance so much bigger. Broadway is all about over-exaggeration and playing to the back of the house and these two would’ve barely made it to the orchestra rows. It was cute, and as I’ve said so many times before, Fosse should never be cute. But I enjoy these two in general, and Fat Face, despite her unfortunate return to the unitard this week, has grown on me tremendously. I think they should both hit B3 this week, but neither should be in any danger of going home.
You Could Yell All Day But You Don’t Come Close
Caitlin and Jason/Pop Jazz (Creator) – That was a great routine with a killer song. Unfortunately, these two just do not work at all as a couple. Taken individually, each one of them danced this piece well. They both have solid technique. Caitlin gave good lines. Jason was super clean and displayed some real power and lift in his jumps and had lovely lines himself. The choreography had a lot of intricate hand motions, for Caitlin especially, which they both mastered pretty well. But I felt no connection between them. Caitlin as a menacing alien on the make? Yeah, she was about as menacing as a basket of kittens. Jason scared for his life and finally impregnated? Umm, he looked like he needed some Gas-X, noodles. They might have thought they were committing, but to what? Certainly not to each other. Both of them played to the audience way more than to their partner. I’m tired of these two. Jason never sat well with me and while I still think Caitlin sparkles on her own (her intro dance was a joy), she just hasn’t gelled on this show. I wish she’d had a different partner, but she didn’t, and they’ve turned in a couple of lackluster performances in a row, so it’s time for them to go home now.
On a Permanent Vacation
I can’t see how Caitlin and Jason avoid B3 this week. They should be joined by Evan and Randi and Phillip and Jeanine, not because the latter were bad, but they just weren’t up to the standard of the other couples who were excellent at shit that they should have been excellent in. Ahem. Darlings, the show is trying so hard to ensure that Vitolio and Karla leave tonight, that I’ll be quite pleased if anyone but those two goes home. I’m gonna go ahead and put it on Caitlin and Jason, and I think it’s earned for the extreme lack of sparkage. I still feel dirty from the foulness of this whole sorry affair, noodles. Thanks goodness we have the original EEEeeeeeeee! Ms. Kelly Clarkson to look forward to as a palate cleanser.
Friday, June 26, 2009
SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep6 Makes Me Wanna Scream
Since everyone in the entire world is morally obligated to lament the passing of MJ, let’s just start with that, shall we? Who didn’t love MJ? And Scream was one of the latter day MJ classics and had a cool video to boot in which Janet (Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty) sported some aggressively fugly hair and fantastic cleavage and a good time was had by all. I’m sad he’s dead, but the man’s whole entire face was falling off, he was a freaky weirdo child molester in his twilight years, and apparently hopped up on pain pills all the time, so really, what did we all expect, kittens? MJ had been heading this way for a while now. But hey, at least we’ll get to see the MJ themed AI episode from this season and watch that glitter bomb sexy baby Adam Lambert destroy Black or White (not “and” Nigel, “or”. It’s Black or White) so something wonderful has come out of MJ’s death already.
Moving on, noodles. I’m so proud of America. You bitches really got it right last night. I may not totally be feeling the love for this season yet, but the SYTYCD voting public and I are as one. So much more sophisticated and discerning than the crazy people who vote for AI. Sigh. I love this show, so, so much.
Oh my god, can’t believe what I saw as I turned on the TV this evening
That group dance was the hotness. Brandon is a wonder, darlings. The kid is ridiculously talented. It’s no wonder that he’s been prominently featured in every single group number this season. Last night, he was sexy for me for the first time. Damn. Janette is a diva and now I really, really want to see her do a salsa routine on the show so I hope that they have found a choreographer to replace Alex da Silva. Kayla, Karla, Jeanine all wet on that table, all the girls were sizzling except Asuka who continued to disappoint. And the boys really worked well. I thoroughly enjoyed that group dance, and kittens, that had me in a tizzy because initially I thought Cat said that NappyTab had laid that down. How could it be possible? Would I have to rearrange my entire world view and admit that NappyTab are not 90% crap choreographers? Well, no, I wouldn’t because upon review I realized that there were other steamy fingers in the pie. Fingers belonging to the original bare-chested ballroom hottie, Dmitry. So obvi, we know who brought the fabulosity to the party, right? I hate Pitbull and almost everything about reggaeton, but that routine made me cross my legs and breathe out. Mercy.
Also bringing the hotness? Miss Cat Deeley. The crack hos just get shadier and shadier by the minute. And they are acting out by dressing Mary in ever more bizarre bed sheet fashions.
As jacked as it sounds, the whole system sucks
Darlings, SYTYCD is even worse than AI at building B3 suspense and I didn’t even think that was possible. Five couples bang off the mark, four of whom are so obviously safe that it’s laughable? That is not the way that the game is played. So poor, doomed Asuka and Vitolio had to trudge out to center stage with Cat and a quartet of Janette and Brandon, Randi and Evan, Melissa and Ade, and Jeanine and Phillip. Hmm, let’s see. The three couples who danced the best routines last night plus the fan favorite dancer of the season, none of whom have ever been B3, versus Stankface and her partner who damn near went home week one. I wonder who is not safe. I’ll say it again America. Well done, for not letting Unca Nigel manipulate you into putting Phillip in the B3 this week. Of course, next week would be a perfectly appropriate moment to send his ass packing. Think on it.
Kinda disgusted, so what does this mean?
I’ll admit I was worried when I saw Kayla and Kupono in the final trio of losers and wannabes. Years of watching AI where good contestants get sent home while the Tattoo Sleeves and Kristy Lee Cooks of the world live to bleat on another day has conditioned me to expect the worst of the home voting audience. I knew Karla and Jonathan were toast, but Jason and Caitlin got unduly praised for that horrendous Paso they unleashed on an unsuspecting viewing audience. And Caitlin was practically naked and playing into years of nerd boy fantasies by sporting the Princess Leia bikini. And O Fortuna, while not at all appropriate to the dance, is a song with magic powers. But I needn’t have worried, kiddies. Not even Nigel can turn shit into shineola. I really think Kayla and Kupono can gel into a second tier power couple, kind of like a Courtney/Gev situation from last season. Just for the love of all that’s holy, don’t let them pull Broadway next week.
Side Note: Because it’s been so long since we had one, no? Just being young and cute does not make you a good dancer. Many of the members of Rage Boys Crew were more adorable than a basket full of kittens and puppies and rainbows. And the little bittiest one that Cat wanted to put in her pocket? Yeah, I hate kids and he made my ovaries ache he was so sweet. That said, the vast majority of those boys couldn’t dance and they looked like a poorly synchronized, barely choreographed mess up there on that stage. A cute mess, but a mess nonetheless. You can do better, Show. I know you can.
You tell me I’m wrong, then you better prove you’re right
Solo time. Once again, only one was worth anything.
Asuka – She looked defeated, didn’t she kittens? It’s like she could tell that she was going home. I suppose it was on par with, or maybe even a little bit better than, her week one vamping. At least there were actual recognizable steps this time. It’s a shame that they weren’t done well.
Vitolio – So last night I said that I thought that Asuka was just really not that good, and I still hold that to be true, darlings. But on the real? Vitolio is starting to look real suspect his damn self. That was just a series of random leaps and the occasional arm movement. And the end of that solo was watch from the hall material. I was embarrassed for him and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he weren’t the kind of “dancer” who regularly has dollar bills stuffed down his pants. Nigel nailed him perfectly in the critique. He has got to bring it better than that if he has any hopes of making it past next week.
Karla – Her technique let her down a little bit last night. She absolutely did fall out of every turn she attempted. Having said that, noodles, I enjoyed the piece. She did a complete, choreographed routine. She obviously thought about what she would present on that stage. She had some quirky and interesting movement going on and some very dynamic and lovely, grounded dancing. I think this girl has talent, but right now she’s barely hanging on by her fingernails. I’ll be amazed if she doesn’t go home next week.
Jonathan – What was he even doing? Y’all, this kid should’ve never gotten within 100 feet of this show. Hell, even Big Pasty was better last year. There was nothing in that dance to even comment on. He flailed around for 20 seconds and then did a tumbling pass. Cirque du Soleil awaits, my son. Go and be all about that because you will never be a dancer.
Caitlin – Kittens, I’m so frustrated with this one. That solo was gorgeous. On her own? Sparkle. She has it. Great technique, a lovely, airy quality to her dancing, poise and charm. I didn’t even mind the back flip in pike position (what?) she threw in at the end there. I don’t know why she’s not popping on the show. I really think it’s that the partnership with Jason is just not working well for either of them.
Jason – I admit I’m not a Jason fan. I know that Shankdaddy thinks this kid is so SYTYCD, but honestly, I just don’t see it. This was another solo that was frenetic and disjointed with a lot of twisting and turning and leaping but not much dancing or musicality or artistry. He so far away from the top 3 guys (Brandon, Evan, Ade) that it’s not even funny. And I truly believe that his partnership with Caitlin is not serving her well, and since I care about her far more than I care about him, well, I’m just about ready for him to go home, aren’t you?
Kicking me down and I got to get up
Perfect eliminations tonight, kittens. Bye bye, Stank Face. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. And Jonathan Who? Exactly. I think Vitolio and Karla will do much, much better together. I'm not sure they'll be as successful a new couple as Kayla and Kupono turned out to be. What I'd truly love is if they paired Caitlin with Vitolio. Her solo last night was beautiful. She really sparkles away from Jason, but together they just don't mesh. I think Caitlin and Vitolio could be quite good together. And then Jason could wind up with Karla and I wouldn't care if they went home next. Come on, Simon Fuller. You can break the rules this once, can’t you? MJ would want you to.
Moving on, noodles. I’m so proud of America. You bitches really got it right last night. I may not totally be feeling the love for this season yet, but the SYTYCD voting public and I are as one. So much more sophisticated and discerning than the crazy people who vote for AI. Sigh. I love this show, so, so much.
Oh my god, can’t believe what I saw as I turned on the TV this evening
That group dance was the hotness. Brandon is a wonder, darlings. The kid is ridiculously talented. It’s no wonder that he’s been prominently featured in every single group number this season. Last night, he was sexy for me for the first time. Damn. Janette is a diva and now I really, really want to see her do a salsa routine on the show so I hope that they have found a choreographer to replace Alex da Silva. Kayla, Karla, Jeanine all wet on that table, all the girls were sizzling except Asuka who continued to disappoint. And the boys really worked well. I thoroughly enjoyed that group dance, and kittens, that had me in a tizzy because initially I thought Cat said that NappyTab had laid that down. How could it be possible? Would I have to rearrange my entire world view and admit that NappyTab are not 90% crap choreographers? Well, no, I wouldn’t because upon review I realized that there were other steamy fingers in the pie. Fingers belonging to the original bare-chested ballroom hottie, Dmitry. So obvi, we know who brought the fabulosity to the party, right? I hate Pitbull and almost everything about reggaeton, but that routine made me cross my legs and breathe out. Mercy.
Also bringing the hotness? Miss Cat Deeley. The crack hos just get shadier and shadier by the minute. And they are acting out by dressing Mary in ever more bizarre bed sheet fashions.
As jacked as it sounds, the whole system sucks
Darlings, SYTYCD is even worse than AI at building B3 suspense and I didn’t even think that was possible. Five couples bang off the mark, four of whom are so obviously safe that it’s laughable? That is not the way that the game is played. So poor, doomed Asuka and Vitolio had to trudge out to center stage with Cat and a quartet of Janette and Brandon, Randi and Evan, Melissa and Ade, and Jeanine and Phillip. Hmm, let’s see. The three couples who danced the best routines last night plus the fan favorite dancer of the season, none of whom have ever been B3, versus Stankface and her partner who damn near went home week one. I wonder who is not safe. I’ll say it again America. Well done, for not letting Unca Nigel manipulate you into putting Phillip in the B3 this week. Of course, next week would be a perfectly appropriate moment to send his ass packing. Think on it.
Kinda disgusted, so what does this mean?
I’ll admit I was worried when I saw Kayla and Kupono in the final trio of losers and wannabes. Years of watching AI where good contestants get sent home while the Tattoo Sleeves and Kristy Lee Cooks of the world live to bleat on another day has conditioned me to expect the worst of the home voting audience. I knew Karla and Jonathan were toast, but Jason and Caitlin got unduly praised for that horrendous Paso they unleashed on an unsuspecting viewing audience. And Caitlin was practically naked and playing into years of nerd boy fantasies by sporting the Princess Leia bikini. And O Fortuna, while not at all appropriate to the dance, is a song with magic powers. But I needn’t have worried, kiddies. Not even Nigel can turn shit into shineola. I really think Kayla and Kupono can gel into a second tier power couple, kind of like a Courtney/Gev situation from last season. Just for the love of all that’s holy, don’t let them pull Broadway next week.
Side Note: Because it’s been so long since we had one, no? Just being young and cute does not make you a good dancer. Many of the members of Rage Boys Crew were more adorable than a basket full of kittens and puppies and rainbows. And the little bittiest one that Cat wanted to put in her pocket? Yeah, I hate kids and he made my ovaries ache he was so sweet. That said, the vast majority of those boys couldn’t dance and they looked like a poorly synchronized, barely choreographed mess up there on that stage. A cute mess, but a mess nonetheless. You can do better, Show. I know you can.
You tell me I’m wrong, then you better prove you’re right
Solo time. Once again, only one was worth anything.
Asuka – She looked defeated, didn’t she kittens? It’s like she could tell that she was going home. I suppose it was on par with, or maybe even a little bit better than, her week one vamping. At least there were actual recognizable steps this time. It’s a shame that they weren’t done well.
Vitolio – So last night I said that I thought that Asuka was just really not that good, and I still hold that to be true, darlings. But on the real? Vitolio is starting to look real suspect his damn self. That was just a series of random leaps and the occasional arm movement. And the end of that solo was watch from the hall material. I was embarrassed for him and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he weren’t the kind of “dancer” who regularly has dollar bills stuffed down his pants. Nigel nailed him perfectly in the critique. He has got to bring it better than that if he has any hopes of making it past next week.
Karla – Her technique let her down a little bit last night. She absolutely did fall out of every turn she attempted. Having said that, noodles, I enjoyed the piece. She did a complete, choreographed routine. She obviously thought about what she would present on that stage. She had some quirky and interesting movement going on and some very dynamic and lovely, grounded dancing. I think this girl has talent, but right now she’s barely hanging on by her fingernails. I’ll be amazed if she doesn’t go home next week.
Jonathan – What was he even doing? Y’all, this kid should’ve never gotten within 100 feet of this show. Hell, even Big Pasty was better last year. There was nothing in that dance to even comment on. He flailed around for 20 seconds and then did a tumbling pass. Cirque du Soleil awaits, my son. Go and be all about that because you will never be a dancer.
Caitlin – Kittens, I’m so frustrated with this one. That solo was gorgeous. On her own? Sparkle. She has it. Great technique, a lovely, airy quality to her dancing, poise and charm. I didn’t even mind the back flip in pike position (what?) she threw in at the end there. I don’t know why she’s not popping on the show. I really think it’s that the partnership with Jason is just not working well for either of them.
Jason – I admit I’m not a Jason fan. I know that Shankdaddy thinks this kid is so SYTYCD, but honestly, I just don’t see it. This was another solo that was frenetic and disjointed with a lot of twisting and turning and leaping but not much dancing or musicality or artistry. He so far away from the top 3 guys (Brandon, Evan, Ade) that it’s not even funny. And I truly believe that his partnership with Caitlin is not serving her well, and since I care about her far more than I care about him, well, I’m just about ready for him to go home, aren’t you?
Kicking me down and I got to get up
Perfect eliminations tonight, kittens. Bye bye, Stank Face. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. And Jonathan Who? Exactly. I think Vitolio and Karla will do much, much better together. I'm not sure they'll be as successful a new couple as Kayla and Kupono turned out to be. What I'd truly love is if they paired Caitlin with Vitolio. Her solo last night was beautiful. She really sparkles away from Jason, but together they just don't mesh. I think Caitlin and Vitolio could be quite good together. And then Jason could wind up with Karla and I wouldn't care if they went home next. Come on, Simon Fuller. You can break the rules this once, can’t you? MJ would want you to.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep5 The Question Is
Here are some questions for the group to ponder: Why is the hip hop choreography so bad this season? Was Mary wearing a bedazzled bed sheet last night? Did Brandon’s dancing in that hip hop routine give anyone else really bad Chris Brown flashbacks? Was Caitlin and Jason’s Paso the worst one ever performed on this show, surpassing whatever it was that Twitch and Kherington thought they did last season? Why was Caitlin wearing the Princess Leia bikini? How difficult is it to dance in only one high heel shoe with your butt poked out at an odd angle? How did Mia get so skinny all of a sudden? Didn’t it look like Phillip shit his pants during that Broadway piece? Why would Tasty choreograph a leap over the couch as this show is SYTYCD not Jackass? Why does Kupono think that being a designer somehow entails putting lots of tacky chains and green Muppet fur on top of silk screened t-shirts? Who else would like Ade much, much better if he didn’t always wear that afro pick in his hair? Can we finally get rid of Jonathan because he is really awful? Can we also get rid of Asuka because her stank face and constant “look at me” drama are on my last nerve and no one should ever, ever wear a body stocking as an outer garment?
Kittens, these are the things I need to know. The finals continue to underwhelm for the third week running and now I’m getting a skoosh worried. I’ll never stop watching this show, but it’s looking mighty AI S4 Taylor Hicks-ian at the moment. Let’s breakdown last night’s performance show and pray to the reality TV gods for a rebound once we hit Top 10.
I must say, darlings, that Cat is looking so much better since she escaped the clutches of the wardrobe crack hos. It started out last week with her sassy white suit and last night that orange dress was fierce! I covet it. Of course, since the hos no longer have Cat to kick around, they’ve put all their effort into making the kids and the rest of the judges look an absolute fright. And speaking of judges, we love Toni Basil, no? I mean, obviously she makes no sense, just like your crazy Aunt Sally, and she’s a terrible judge, blathering on and on about emotions up, technique down and using that to justify praising Caitlin and Jason’s truly execrable Paso. But noodles, she is so, so serious. As a choreographer and true dance pioneer, much respect due. She was Paula before Paula was Paula, breaking out of the dance ghetto to grab mainstream pop culture by the throat and scream “Look at me and appreciate my fabulousness!” For that alone, she can babble on about whatever she wants for as long as she wants. But really, she’s a crap judge and she looks like she got dressed at a homeless shelter.
What about the kids, you ask? Well, what about them.
Hip Hop Hell
Hip hop continues to catch hell this season, kiddies. Maybe they should just take the rest of the season off?
Karla and Jonathan/Hip Hop (By My Side) – I love Dave Scott, darlings, but he rarely impresses on SYTYCD. Nonetheless, I had high hopes for last night’s routine because he got the only girl who’s worth a damn at hip hop when he pulled Karla. But oh my, did that choreography suck ass. Karla was amazing. She did what she could with that flavorless pabulum and tried to bring some swag to it. Jonathan was awful. The fact that he is yet another former gymnast explains so much about his inability to be an actual good dancer. Shades of hunchback, indeed, noodles. Seriously, hip hop is like 0 for everything this season. I was happy to see some of the harshest judging I’ve ever seen on this show because that horrid routine really deserved it. I’m right there with Nigel. If these two don’t hit B3 again tonight, I’ll be shocked. Although Nigel can suck on it with the whole hip hop = fear equation. The man should not be able to speak about hip hop ever again. Just no.
Janette and Brandon/Hip Hop (What a World) – I was hoping against hope that Dave could bring something better but oops, guess not. It wasn’t bad choreography, but it was extremely watered down hip hop. Luckily for him, Brandon and Janette killed it. They were amazing. I have no words for how far they are setting themselves apart from the rest of the pack this season. Mary got it exactly right when she said that they have served up a sizzling performance every single week. Haven’t missed a trick, and neither one has danced in their own style yet. They are as close to favorites as I’ve got this season. I can’t see them not making Top 10 and I believe they will be two of the final four unless they seriously slip up once their partnership is dissolved.
Ballroom Bounce
What goes up must come down, kittens. After two thoroughly lovely ballroom routines, we ended the night on perhaps the worst Paso of all time. When Jean Marc and Franz are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad . . . well, you know.
Ade and Melissa/Rumba (Emotion) – I really do enjoy this couple, darlings. I realize that I never worry that they won’t be able to pull a dance off. When I see them step to the stage, I just sit back and prepare to enjoy some great dancing. And these two don’t disappoint. That’s fun, right? There were a couple of little bobbles here and there. Maybe Melissa could’ve had a little more hip action in those rumba walks. Maybe Ade’s leads could’ve been a little more down into the floor. But on the whole, they were smoking. There was a lot more rumba in that rumba than we’ve seen in the past on this show. It was technically fairly demanding and I felt they really rose to the occasion. And, kittens, can we just deal with the look? Melissa’s body is sick. I would kill babies to have that back. I was groovin’ on this performance. What was I not groovin’ on? The continued absence of Melanie in the Tony and Melanie equation, and thank heavens for Crazy Aunt Toni Basil giving a shout out to Ms. Lapatin. Where is Melanie? What, Tony doesn’t even need an assistant now? He’s just got it like that? Mmmph.
Kupono and Kayla/Viennese Waltz (Sweet Dreams of You) – Jean Marc and Franz served here. This routine was beautifully choreographed with lots of difficulty, a fair amount of closed hold and lovely lifts. And Kupono and Kayla certainly look well together. They are a nicely matched pair. And in this dance, darlings, they both had great lines. Nice rise and fall from these two in both the side by side dancing and in the closed hold. Kupono lost his frame a little bit dancing in hold, but overall they had a solid start as a duo. The beginning was quite spectacular. But like the judges, I’m concerned for them. Smooth ballroom routines have not traditionally been vote getters on this show and as a new couple, they have no built in fan base to prop them up. Also, I am coming to really dislike Kayla’s personality. She seems kind of plastic. Mary gave it her level best to drum up votes for them, but I don’t know how successful that’s going to be, kiddies. I would not be surprised to see them hit B3 again.
Caitlin and Jason/Paso (O, Fortuna) – Entertainment makers everywhere. Stop using this song. Thank you. Everything about this routine was just wrong, from the costuming to the music to the choreography to the poor execution. It was just really, really bad. Much worse than the judges made it out to be. I honestly wouldn’t have known that this routine was supposed to have been a Paso Doble if they hadn’t announced it up front. The choreography was flashy, but lacked actual ballroom content. The few times that they were asked to perform Paso steps, both Jason and Caitlin lacked power and intention. They both did a horrible job at holding their frame and the general lack of technique was distracting. And contrary to what Crazy Aunt Toni was spouting off about, the bad dancing did get in the way of the performance quality. I just don’t care for this couple, kittens. They should work together as they are both really solid dancers, but somehow they just don’t.
Grab Bag
We’ve got a jumble of jazz, contemporary and Broadway which was either forgettable or adorable depending on how you feel about the couples involved.
Vitolio and Asuka/Jazz (Heartbreaker) – Hit or miss Mandy was a miss here, no, noodles? I don’t know what thrash rocker jazz is, but I don’t like it. And the clip package was tailor made to make me hate Asuka even more than I already do. So much unnecessary drama. Vitolio deserves much better than bitchface in a body stocking. And I think the bitch just can’t dance that well, because they have had ridiculously easy routines thrown at them for three weeks running and Vitolio's lines, leaps and spins are simply too high quality for me to think that it’s him keeping the pair down. He was lovely in this and she lacked amplitude in her jumps and fell behind in the choreography causing an appalling lack of synchronization in several spots. It was especially egregious in those tour jetes, kiddies. It wasn’t my favorite routine and Asuka didn’t dance it well, but I think they might be saved by Vitolio’s generally fine dancing and sweet nature.
Evan and Randi/Contemporary ( Koops Island Blues) – I quite enjoyed this Mia piece and don’t think it was nearly as simply choreographed as Nigel made it out to be. The exaggerated emphasis on the booty and some of the positions that Evan and Randi were required to get into called for a ton of body control and they pulled it off effortlessly. I mean, going from that contorted pose after he smacked her booty and into another position where her bent knee was wrapped around his neck in one motion? Not easy. And that shambling, shimmying walk with so much emphasis on the backside, which she did wearing only one high heel? Not easy. And the two of them are just as cute as they want to be together. Kittens, I found that number all kinds of perfect.
Jeanine and Phillip/Broadway (Moses) – Sweet mother, they are just trying to fuck with me now. Tyce Broadway again? Make it stop. And why did these two get the pimp slot? The dance was so not worthy. Well, at least Tasty does better with Broadway when he stays away from the Fosse. And this routine was about a million levels of cute. Once again, not that demanding from a technical standpoint, but fun and adorable. I felt a hundred times better about the dance, darlings, once I realized that Phillip had split his pants rather than wet himself at the fear of jumping over the couch. And how much did I adore Crazy Aunt Toni totally dissing Tasty? “It depends so much on the choreographer you get.” Ha. I love it! The judges’ preemptive warning did not sit well with me. Phillip gave it his all and I thought he did a more than creditable job with that routine. Now, he’s not versatile enough to be long for this show, but it almost sounded like they were trying to get him kicked off this week. Not cool and not warranted.
Bottom 3
By rights, it should be Karla/Jonathan, Caitlin/Jason and Asuka/Vitolio, but I believe Asuka/Vitolio will be saved by the sappy factor. In their stead, I anticipate a wholly undeserved visit to the B3 for Kupono and Kayla. There’s also a slim chance that Phillip and Jeanine could wind up here if Nigel sowed enough doubt in the audiences’ minds. The only folks who I think have no worries for tonight are Evan/Randi, Ade/Melissa and Janette/Brandon. Those three couples look like locks for Top 10 unless something really unexpected happens.
Homeward Bound
If it’s the B3 as it should be, I’d love to see Asuka and Jonathan go. However, since I don't anticipate getting that bottom 3 this week, I think Jonathan will go and probably take Karla down with him as I don’t imagine the judges will have the appetite to split up another couple so soon after ditching Maks. If Kupono lands Kayla in B3 again, though, all bets are off. We might see the Hawaii boy island bound, at which point I think they’d also boot Asuka as neither Jonathan nor Jason would be tall enough to partner Kayla well.
Twisty season, noodles. And yet somehow still incredibly boring.
Kittens, these are the things I need to know. The finals continue to underwhelm for the third week running and now I’m getting a skoosh worried. I’ll never stop watching this show, but it’s looking mighty AI S4 Taylor Hicks-ian at the moment. Let’s breakdown last night’s performance show and pray to the reality TV gods for a rebound once we hit Top 10.
I must say, darlings, that Cat is looking so much better since she escaped the clutches of the wardrobe crack hos. It started out last week with her sassy white suit and last night that orange dress was fierce! I covet it. Of course, since the hos no longer have Cat to kick around, they’ve put all their effort into making the kids and the rest of the judges look an absolute fright. And speaking of judges, we love Toni Basil, no? I mean, obviously she makes no sense, just like your crazy Aunt Sally, and she’s a terrible judge, blathering on and on about emotions up, technique down and using that to justify praising Caitlin and Jason’s truly execrable Paso. But noodles, she is so, so serious. As a choreographer and true dance pioneer, much respect due. She was Paula before Paula was Paula, breaking out of the dance ghetto to grab mainstream pop culture by the throat and scream “Look at me and appreciate my fabulousness!” For that alone, she can babble on about whatever she wants for as long as she wants. But really, she’s a crap judge and she looks like she got dressed at a homeless shelter.
What about the kids, you ask? Well, what about them.
Hip Hop Hell
Hip hop continues to catch hell this season, kiddies. Maybe they should just take the rest of the season off?
Karla and Jonathan/Hip Hop (By My Side) – I love Dave Scott, darlings, but he rarely impresses on SYTYCD. Nonetheless, I had high hopes for last night’s routine because he got the only girl who’s worth a damn at hip hop when he pulled Karla. But oh my, did that choreography suck ass. Karla was amazing. She did what she could with that flavorless pabulum and tried to bring some swag to it. Jonathan was awful. The fact that he is yet another former gymnast explains so much about his inability to be an actual good dancer. Shades of hunchback, indeed, noodles. Seriously, hip hop is like 0 for everything this season. I was happy to see some of the harshest judging I’ve ever seen on this show because that horrid routine really deserved it. I’m right there with Nigel. If these two don’t hit B3 again tonight, I’ll be shocked. Although Nigel can suck on it with the whole hip hop = fear equation. The man should not be able to speak about hip hop ever again. Just no.
Janette and Brandon/Hip Hop (What a World) – I was hoping against hope that Dave could bring something better but oops, guess not. It wasn’t bad choreography, but it was extremely watered down hip hop. Luckily for him, Brandon and Janette killed it. They were amazing. I have no words for how far they are setting themselves apart from the rest of the pack this season. Mary got it exactly right when she said that they have served up a sizzling performance every single week. Haven’t missed a trick, and neither one has danced in their own style yet. They are as close to favorites as I’ve got this season. I can’t see them not making Top 10 and I believe they will be two of the final four unless they seriously slip up once their partnership is dissolved.
Ballroom Bounce
What goes up must come down, kittens. After two thoroughly lovely ballroom routines, we ended the night on perhaps the worst Paso of all time. When Jean Marc and Franz are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad . . . well, you know.
Ade and Melissa/Rumba (Emotion) – I really do enjoy this couple, darlings. I realize that I never worry that they won’t be able to pull a dance off. When I see them step to the stage, I just sit back and prepare to enjoy some great dancing. And these two don’t disappoint. That’s fun, right? There were a couple of little bobbles here and there. Maybe Melissa could’ve had a little more hip action in those rumba walks. Maybe Ade’s leads could’ve been a little more down into the floor. But on the whole, they were smoking. There was a lot more rumba in that rumba than we’ve seen in the past on this show. It was technically fairly demanding and I felt they really rose to the occasion. And, kittens, can we just deal with the look? Melissa’s body is sick. I would kill babies to have that back. I was groovin’ on this performance. What was I not groovin’ on? The continued absence of Melanie in the Tony and Melanie equation, and thank heavens for Crazy Aunt Toni Basil giving a shout out to Ms. Lapatin. Where is Melanie? What, Tony doesn’t even need an assistant now? He’s just got it like that? Mmmph.
Kupono and Kayla/Viennese Waltz (Sweet Dreams of You) – Jean Marc and Franz served here. This routine was beautifully choreographed with lots of difficulty, a fair amount of closed hold and lovely lifts. And Kupono and Kayla certainly look well together. They are a nicely matched pair. And in this dance, darlings, they both had great lines. Nice rise and fall from these two in both the side by side dancing and in the closed hold. Kupono lost his frame a little bit dancing in hold, but overall they had a solid start as a duo. The beginning was quite spectacular. But like the judges, I’m concerned for them. Smooth ballroom routines have not traditionally been vote getters on this show and as a new couple, they have no built in fan base to prop them up. Also, I am coming to really dislike Kayla’s personality. She seems kind of plastic. Mary gave it her level best to drum up votes for them, but I don’t know how successful that’s going to be, kiddies. I would not be surprised to see them hit B3 again.
Caitlin and Jason/Paso (O, Fortuna) – Entertainment makers everywhere. Stop using this song. Thank you. Everything about this routine was just wrong, from the costuming to the music to the choreography to the poor execution. It was just really, really bad. Much worse than the judges made it out to be. I honestly wouldn’t have known that this routine was supposed to have been a Paso Doble if they hadn’t announced it up front. The choreography was flashy, but lacked actual ballroom content. The few times that they were asked to perform Paso steps, both Jason and Caitlin lacked power and intention. They both did a horrible job at holding their frame and the general lack of technique was distracting. And contrary to what Crazy Aunt Toni was spouting off about, the bad dancing did get in the way of the performance quality. I just don’t care for this couple, kittens. They should work together as they are both really solid dancers, but somehow they just don’t.
Grab Bag
We’ve got a jumble of jazz, contemporary and Broadway which was either forgettable or adorable depending on how you feel about the couples involved.
Vitolio and Asuka/Jazz (Heartbreaker) – Hit or miss Mandy was a miss here, no, noodles? I don’t know what thrash rocker jazz is, but I don’t like it. And the clip package was tailor made to make me hate Asuka even more than I already do. So much unnecessary drama. Vitolio deserves much better than bitchface in a body stocking. And I think the bitch just can’t dance that well, because they have had ridiculously easy routines thrown at them for three weeks running and Vitolio's lines, leaps and spins are simply too high quality for me to think that it’s him keeping the pair down. He was lovely in this and she lacked amplitude in her jumps and fell behind in the choreography causing an appalling lack of synchronization in several spots. It was especially egregious in those tour jetes, kiddies. It wasn’t my favorite routine and Asuka didn’t dance it well, but I think they might be saved by Vitolio’s generally fine dancing and sweet nature.
Evan and Randi/Contemporary ( Koops Island Blues) – I quite enjoyed this Mia piece and don’t think it was nearly as simply choreographed as Nigel made it out to be. The exaggerated emphasis on the booty and some of the positions that Evan and Randi were required to get into called for a ton of body control and they pulled it off effortlessly. I mean, going from that contorted pose after he smacked her booty and into another position where her bent knee was wrapped around his neck in one motion? Not easy. And that shambling, shimmying walk with so much emphasis on the backside, which she did wearing only one high heel? Not easy. And the two of them are just as cute as they want to be together. Kittens, I found that number all kinds of perfect.
Jeanine and Phillip/Broadway (Moses) – Sweet mother, they are just trying to fuck with me now. Tyce Broadway again? Make it stop. And why did these two get the pimp slot? The dance was so not worthy. Well, at least Tasty does better with Broadway when he stays away from the Fosse. And this routine was about a million levels of cute. Once again, not that demanding from a technical standpoint, but fun and adorable. I felt a hundred times better about the dance, darlings, once I realized that Phillip had split his pants rather than wet himself at the fear of jumping over the couch. And how much did I adore Crazy Aunt Toni totally dissing Tasty? “It depends so much on the choreographer you get.” Ha. I love it! The judges’ preemptive warning did not sit well with me. Phillip gave it his all and I thought he did a more than creditable job with that routine. Now, he’s not versatile enough to be long for this show, but it almost sounded like they were trying to get him kicked off this week. Not cool and not warranted.
Bottom 3
By rights, it should be Karla/Jonathan, Caitlin/Jason and Asuka/Vitolio, but I believe Asuka/Vitolio will be saved by the sappy factor. In their stead, I anticipate a wholly undeserved visit to the B3 for Kupono and Kayla. There’s also a slim chance that Phillip and Jeanine could wind up here if Nigel sowed enough doubt in the audiences’ minds. The only folks who I think have no worries for tonight are Evan/Randi, Ade/Melissa and Janette/Brandon. Those three couples look like locks for Top 10 unless something really unexpected happens.
Homeward Bound
If it’s the B3 as it should be, I’d love to see Asuka and Jonathan go. However, since I don't anticipate getting that bottom 3 this week, I think Jonathan will go and probably take Karla down with him as I don’t imagine the judges will have the appetite to split up another couple so soon after ditching Maks. If Kupono lands Kayla in B3 again, though, all bets are off. We might see the Hawaii boy island bound, at which point I think they’d also boot Asuka as neither Jonathan nor Jason would be tall enough to partner Kayla well.
Twisty season, noodles. And yet somehow still incredibly boring.
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